AA Step Five And The Courage To Tell The Truth

We talk through AA Step Five and why telling the truth to God, ourselves, and another person can feel terrifying while also being the most freeing move we make in sobriety. We connect the work of Step Four to the relief of Step Five, and we share practical ways to protect sobriety during holidays and high-pressure moments.
• why Steps One through Five set a strong foundation
• protecting sobriety during holiday weekends and drinking-heavy events
• the role of secrets, shame, and isolation in addiction
• why Step Five is not confession for forgiveness
• what “exact nature of our wrongs” means in plain language
• why sharing with a trusted sponsor or recovery-informed listener matters
• how trauma and what happened to us can belong in Step Five
• practical guidance for pacing, pausing, and continuing later
• reflection questions to identify the secret with the most power
If today's episode encouraged you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear what I had to say.

Transcript

Welcome And Step Five Focus

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello, and welcome to Unbottled. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. I'm also an alcoholic. I forgot to say that. Anyways, I'm glad you're here. This is my sobriety podcast, Unbottled. I've been sober for 38 years, and I thought it was time that I put something out there in this space. I also have two other podcasts. We'll talk about those later. But today we are working on our summer series, The 12 Steps of AA. The 12 weeks of summer, I thought perfect for the 12 steps. So this is episode five. And this is step five, the freedom of finally telling the truth. Actually, it's episode like 28, but nonetheless, it's the freedom of telling the truth. Big book step five says, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. Pretty scary, huh? Last week we went through step four. So that should help a little bit. I'm just wondering, have you ever carried a secret so long that it became part of who you thought you were? Not because you wanted to, but because you believed no one could ever know. Maybe it wasn't even one big secret. Maybe it was dozens. I think we've talked about in this, I know we have talked about, making sure that you do one, two, three, four, and five very slowly. Take your time. I just want to remind you of that as we go into step five. I'm not not rushing you. You shouldn't be doing them along with me. This is learning about them. I think that step one through five set an extreme foundation for your sobriety. I worked really hard on my steps one through five when I first got sober. I made sure that my foundation in this program was strong. So when the wind came or the weather shifted or what have you, I had a base. And I think that's extremely important. That's my opinion. And again,

Building A Strong First Foundation

SPEAKER_00 2:28

on this podcast, take what you like and leave the rest. But don't leave the podcast because I think sometimes I have some really good stuff here for you. So if you're new to Sobriet and you're working on things and you're working through your steps, make sure you get those first ones right. Make sure you're confident in who your higher power is. It will change. It may or it may not. I had a higher power that I've kept the whole time. But if you've had to find a temporary higher power, that's fine. Keep moving forward. At some point, that higher power might change. You never know.

Holiday Weekends And Protecting Sobriety

SPEAKER_00 3:06

But we're coming into 4th of July weekend. This is gonna drop on July 3rd. I want to take a moment to address holidays and sobriety. If you're newly sober, a holiday is no reason to go out, leave the program, have a drink. If you do, come back. We're always here for you. But let me tell you something. If you've been working on this, find something to do that keeps you away from people that drink. I'm not saying you have to do that forever, for heaven's sakes. I'm having people over and we'll have beer here. I don't drink. I haven't drank in 38 years. Doesn't even bother me that it'll be here. Someday you'll be there. If you're not, and maybe you're there now. If you're not, though, port protect your sobriety this holiday weekend. All right, that's my last lecture and speech. I don't like being lectured. I'm sure you don't either. I hope you see that as a friendly reminder and a place that I want you all to be successful. So we

Secrets, Shame, And Isolation

SPEAKER_00 4:19

we started to talk about secrets, keeping them lies, shame, resentments, things you did, things you things that were done to you. There's a saying in AA, and it's probably outside of AA too, we're only as sick as our secrets. So today we're talking about the step that begins setting all of that down. And yes, it's terrifying. Oh, it's terrifying. If you're terrified right now, you are in the right place. You are handling it. But it's also one of the most freeing things you'll ever do. So again, I want to introduce myself. I'm Marcy and I'm an alcoholic, and I want to welcome you to unbottled sobriety that's uncorked, unfiltered, and unapologetically real. Whether you're sober, thinking about getting sober, supporting someone who is, or simply trying to become the healthiest version of yourself. Because there are people quitting drinking these days who don't really have a problem but find that it doesn't suit them. So I'm glad you're here, no matter what your story is. Again, this summer we're talking our way through the 12 steps. Week one, one step, one honest conversation at a time. I do want to let you know however my next two podcasts will be repeats because I'm going on a vacation. I am going on a vacation. And I used to record ahead of time. I used to record podcasts while I was on my vacation, and I've decided now that I have got enough in my arsenal for all three of my podcasts to leave a repeat episode. So come back next time and there will be a repeat episode. Hopefully, it's something you haven't heard. I'm going to pull some ones from my early podcasts on this from January, and I'll pop those in. So there will be something here for you, as always. You will hear my voice if that's something that's helping you through sobriety. If just listening to these podcasts is helping you, there will be something here. It just won't be one of the steps. When I get back, we will continue on. All

Step Four Sets Up Step Five

SPEAKER_00 6:31

right. So last week's recap is really important because last week's step marries with this step. So last week we tackled probably the hardest written assignment in AA. I wouldn't say probably, I think it is. We looked honestly at our resentments, our fears, our relationships, our mistakes, our selfishness, our dishonesty, and our patterns. Many people spend weeks, sometimes months working through step four. And as I told you, I want you to take as much time as you need. Because it's a lot of things. It's emotional, it's exhausting. But here's the beautiful part. You weren't writing your inventory just to fill a notebook, you were writing it to prepare for today. Because an inventory sitting in a drawer doesn't change your life. But guess what? Sharing it with another alcoholic does. All right. So let's be honest. No one gets excited about step five. Because as much as it was hard to get through step four, when you get to the end, you're kind of relieved. And then wham! Right in your face comes step five. Nobody gets excited about step five. No one walks into AAC and I can't wait to tell another person everything I've ever done. I'm telling you, nobody. But it set you free. Most people would rather clean the bathroom with a toothbrush than do this. But here's what I discovered. The things I was most afraid to say were exactly the things keeping me sick. So if something's making you sick, why are you keeping it? Right?

Step Five Is Freedom

SPEAKER_00 8:26

So what step five really is, and I think people sometimes misunderstand this step. It isn't confession to earn forgiveness. See, especially those in the Catholic Church, but I I, you know, I'm I'm Lutheran Methodist Episcopal, is what I am. We do confession in our not the same way as in the Catholic Church, but I think it's in religion, it's inbred to us to confess is to get forgiveness. Guess what? Step five is not that. We're not confessing to another human being to earn forgiveness. I am the next alcoholic and I grant you forgiveness. That's not how it works. It also isn't a punishment, it's not a humiliation. It's something much better and bigger than all of that. It's freedom. Notice the wording admitted to God. First, you're admitting it to God. So you're gonna go through that inventory that you wrote and you're going to share it with God. You're gonna go through it again and you're gonna share it with yourself. You're going to really think about it and then let it go. And the last step is to share it with another human being, another alcoholic. The exact nature of our wrongs. Not every tiny detail. Doesn't have to be detailed people. I stole money out of my grandma's purse. That could be, you know, that that's a pretty classic one. You know, it doesn't have to be super detailed. I disappointed my parents. I disappointed them by not finishing college. I disappointed them by lying about finishing college. You don't have to get super detailed. You can plug in whatever's right for you, but just keep it. I don't want to say simple. I do want to say simple. Keep it simple. But honest. The character defects, the fears of underneath the behavior, the patterns. So you're giving them the exact nature of your wrongs, the patterns, the character defects, the fear underneath the behavior. And why do we share this with another human being? And I don't like to just say human being, because I think I think it's important to share it with another alcoholic because I've become this old timer that has a saying, but alcoholic anonymous works because it's based on one alcoholic talking to another. So this is where people push back. Can't I just tell God? The answer, of course, you can pray. But alcoholism loves isolation. And we've talked about this. Alcoholism loves isolation. Secrets grow in silence, they're like mushrooms, they grow in the shit in the dark. They shrink in the light. When another trusted person hears your story and doesn't run away and doesn't make you feel worse and doesn't shame you and doesn't say, well, I was worse than that doesn't do any of the things you're probably expecting. Something incredible happens. You begin believing you might actually be worth worthy of love. I also think you think you might be worthy of being sober and being a happy human being. Shame thrives in the dark, people. I want to spend some time here because shame is gasoline for addiction. Shame whispers, you're broken, you're disgusting. If people knew what you've done, they'd leave. Addiction answers. This is what addiction says. When your brain says all that, addiction answers this. Have another drink. And then the cycle starts all over. Step five interrupts that cycle.

A Sobriety Win Years Later

SPEAKER_00 12:43

All right, I want to tell you a little story here. When my kids, when we moved to Orange County in Southern California from Oregon, we'd live in Texas before that. We'd lived in California before. You know, you you you kind of sometimes still hang on to that person. And this isn't going to be the first time you let him go. You're going to let him go over and over. And I remember thinking, PTA president. Huh. I told her no. She followed me, found me in Nordstrom's, and asked me again. This is my friend Annie Lush. And I said, I'll think about it. And I came back and I thought, when we're asked to serve, we're supposed to serve. And that doesn't mean just at AA meetings. So I did. But here's the funny thing. In my capacity as PTA president, I was at events for the school. And I looked over. And when I was in my deepest addiction, I worked at a place called the Syndicate, a very high-end posh hair studio, hair hairdressing place, haircuttery. I can't even think of my own words. In Encino, California. Lots of famous people went there. We were high, high-end. And I was good at what I did, but I was in my deep addiction. And there was a hairdresser there named Danny. And his sister Sharon came to work there. And Danny was as clean as they come. God, Danny exercised. Danny was clean. And Danny knew what I was. You know? And here's this one day I look out over the parents at an event, and there's Danny. So through the event, I walked over and I said, Hey, Danny, it's good to see you. And he said, It's great to see you too, Marcy. And I said, you know, he said, I have a daughter here in the fifth grade, and blah, blah, blah. And I shared mine. I said, I bet back in the early 80s, you never thought I would be the PTA president of the school that your child would attend. And we both laughed. But sobriety, years of sobriety brings you so many wonderful things. Honestly, it does. I I think about that story often. I ran into Danny a few times here and there because we lived in the same little area, Rancho Santa Margarita. And it just made me smile all the time.

Sponsors, Trauma, And Relief

SPEAKER_00 15:45

So now let's talk about how nervous you are. Driving to meet your sponsor, not sleeping, wondering what they're gonna think about your four step, thinking they'd be shocked, then discovering they heard it before, and insisted, I'm sorry, and instead of judging you, found compassion for you. That moment changes everything. It'll change you. I promise. What have sponsors heard? Here's some good news. Your sponsors probably heard far worse than what you're carrying. And even if they haven't, it's time they do. Sponsors hear about infidelity, stealing, drugs, lying, cheating, abuse, trauma, prison, bankruptcy, broken families, lost children, shame, walking away from your family, and they stay. Because you know what? As a sponsor, we understand. It's not just about what you did. I want you to remember that. Sometimes step five includes what happened to you. I'm going to tell you this. Many alcoholics carry guilt that never belonged to them. Child abuse, neglect, violence, abandonment, things that shape us without our permission. Talking about those experiences often lifts years of unnecessary shame. And I'll share this with all of you. I don't remember most of my childhood. I think my memories kick in about fifth grade. Anything I remember before that is negative. I don't have happy birthday memories. I don't have happy holiday memories. I don't have anything happy about my childhood. And I don't know why. And I've never wanted to find out. I've come to terms with it. I've let it go. But when I share it with you, it's sad. I wish I remembered the happy things. My life was a little crazy. I grew up with a periodic alcoholic mom and a tyrannical dad. My dad changed as he got old. My mom not so much. A little bit. So I'm not quite sure, but I think it's my own body protecting me. And you know what? I'm gonna let my body protect little Marcy. Because whatever it is, she doesn't deserve it, she didn't deserve it. It wasn't her fault, and I'm not gonna drink over it. The big book promises after step five, it says something beautiful. It tells us we'll feel delighted, able to look the world in the eye, closer to our creator, peaceful and no longer alone. Those aren't empty promises. Thousands of recovering alcoholics described exactly that feeling. So if you want to feel delighted, able to look the world in the eye, closer to your creator, peaceful and no longer alone. Do your fifth step. I'll be judged. I'll lose respect from people, they'll think I'm awful, they'll tell everyone. These fears keep people stuck.

Choosing Who Hears Your Fifth

SPEAKER_00 19:12

That's why we choose as our sponsor somebody trustworthy. So before you share your step five, make sure you believe in that sponsor. Okay. Usually your sponsor, you you know, if you if you want, I really feel it needs to be with a sponsor. But if you're working this program outside of AA, I've told you, however, you're working a program, no judgment here. You can do it with a sponsor, a clergy member, a therapist, someone experienced with recovery, though. They need to understand recovery. Not your best friend, not your spouse, someone who understands what this step is designed to accomplish. If you cry, take a break. Come back to it. This isn't a race. If it gets too much for you, you can tell your sponsor, I need to stop here. Can we meet again to finish it? Of course you can meet again to finish it. What if you forget something? Hey, guess what? Relax. This isn't perfection, it's honesty. If something surfaces later, you deal with it later. You can do as many four steps as you need. All right, I want to remind you, I have two other podcasts. Inside Marcy's Mind is where we laugh, we learn life hacks, I tackle everyday questions, we explore things from AI to travel, relationships, modern living. And if you're navigating that second half of life, I have Aging Aid for Sissies, where we talk about aging with humor, purpose, and a reminder that growing older doesn't mean growing smaller. Wherever you listen now is where you can find my podcasts. Now let's get back to this episode. And I also have a website, marcybackismedia.com. You can find worksheets, things that I've added there. Go check it out. I try to add little worksheets from these episodes and things that you might find interesting. There's also a link to AA right on that website. Always go to aa.org. All right.

The Questions That Loosen Secrets

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I want you to ask yourself, what secret was the most what has the most power over me? Why? Who have I convinced myself I'd become if people knew? And is it actually true? So what I'm asking you is, what is your most powerful secret? I know I've convinced myself that I'd become something because of that secret if people knew it, that I would become a this, fill in the blank. And now that you've shared it, is that actually true? Family members, I want to talk to you for a minute. If someone chooses you for step five, remember, your job isn't fixing, it's listening. No lectures, no shock, no advice, just compassion. The kind of listening changed lives. I really do recommend that you do this with someone in the program, but I want you to do it however you do it. I just want you to do it.

Schedule It And Keep Coming Back

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So this week's challenge, if you've completed step four, schedule your step five. Put it on the calendar. Don't overthink it. Don't rewrite your entire inventory 10 times. What you did is fine. Don't wait until you're ready. Courage usually shows up after you begin. So next week, reminder, there will be a fill-in episode next week and the week after. I'm going to pick two of my earlier episodes that kind of generally talk about things. Not sure what they'll be. So check in and see what they are. Three weeks from this episode will be step six, where we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Oh, yes. Amen and hallelujah. Do you really want your defects of character? I don't think you do. All right. Recovery isn't about becoming someone new, it's about becoming who you were before fear, before shame, and before that lovely drink convinced you that you had to hide. Every secret loses a little bit of its power when it's spoken. Every honest conversation creates room for healing. If today's episode encouraged you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear what I had to say. You're not alone. And until next week, keep coming back, keep doing the work, keep choosing honesty over hiding. One step, one day, one conversation at a time. I am Marcy. I am an alcoholic, and this is Unbottled.