Step Six Readiness

We walk through Step Six and get honest about why “defects of character” aren’t proof we’re broken but proof we learned how to survive. We trade perfection for willingness and use simple questions to start letting go of the patterns that quietly run our lives. 
• step six unpacked and why twelve words can take years 
• redefining “God” as a higher power that works for you 
• character defects as survival strategies rather than identity 
• alcohol as a solution that covered fear, control, resentment, and perfectionism 
• why sobriety doesn’t erase anxiety or perfectionism overnight 
• willingness before change and surrender over force 
• the closet analogy for readiness to let go 
• one-defect practice for the week and the question “what am I trying to protect” 
Share with a friend, share with the people you know. 
On my website, MarcyBackusmedia.com, will be a companion worksheet, step six reflection.

Transcript

Welcome Back And The 12 Steps

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Well, welcome back to Unbottled. I am Marcy and I am an alcoholic. First of all, welcome back. I took a little vacation, spent some time recharging, laughing and making memories, and yes, reminding myself that recovery gives us a life worth taking vacations from, not a life that we need vacations to escape. Very big difference there. I am so glad that you're here. If you are new, this summer we're walking through the 12 steps one week at a time. Not as homework and not as a religion, not as something that you have to get perfect. Perfect is overrated, FYI, but as a conversation, one alcoholic talking to another. And if you know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous, you know that that is the premise that we were built on. Dr. Bob and Bill W. learned that they could stay sober, one alcoholic talking to another. Or maybe someone who simply wants a better life, because these steps aren't just about quitting drinking, they're about becoming someone you actually enjoy being. And today we arrive at one of the shortest steps in the entire program. But don't let the length fool you. This one can take years. Today's step is step six. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. It only has 12 words, but those 12 words can change your entire life. And if the word God scares you, please, please don't let it. As we've talked about early on in all of these steps, God is a word that you can fill in. Is it the rooms? Is it the people? Is it a tree in your backyard? Is

Step Six And A Flexible Higher Power

SPEAKER_00 1:48

it nature? Is it the beach? Is it is it a rushing river? Whatever you find that is your God replacement, put it in there and allow it to remove all these defects of character. I want to just remind you that if you enjoy listening to this podcast, I do have two others, Aging Ape for Sissies, 40 and above, I'm telling you. It's it's I try to give great information on aging. And Inside Marcy's mind is my other podcast. It is where I talk about what's on my mind. I think this week we're talking about summer beauty tips for men and women, kind of what the summer brings to our outside. This podcast we work on the inside, that one is a little bit more superficial. But join us on either one. You can find them where you got this podcast. I'd love for you to follow along. All right. Let's talk about it. Wait. Wait, wait, wait a minute. What are defects of character? Character defects. The word character defects scares people. They sound harsh, right? Like someone is pointing a finger and saying, you're defective. That isn't what this means. Character defects aren't who we are, they're how we've learned to survive. I want you to think about that. Character defects aren't who we are. These are things, they're there, and it's how we've learned to survive. Think about that. Maybe lying protected us. Maybe pleasing people kept us safe. Anger made us fear feel powerful. Isolation kept us from being hurt. So think about those words I've used: lying, anger, isolation, perfectionism made us feel worthy. That is my defect of character for sure. Control kept our anxiety manageable. Hello, Marcy. Are you hearing yourself in any of this? At some point, those things worked. The problem is they eventually stopped working.

Character Defects As Survival Skills

SPEAKER_00 4:06

Kind of like alcohol. Alcohol was one of mine, not because alcohol was my defect, alcohol was my solution. The defects were underneath fear, control, self-centeredness, dishonesty, resentment, those drove the drinking. Amen to that for me. Absolutely. Do you hear yourself in that? Let me say it again. Not not alcohol, not because alcohol was my defect. Alcohol was my solution. The defects were underneath being masked at and probably not masked very well by alcohol. Fear, control, self-centeredness, dishonesty, resentment, perfection, anxiety, those drove my drinking.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Let me tell you, I have been sober for 38 years. I still struggle with my anxiety and my perfectionism. So when I tell you this is a lifetime step, it really is. And it's and that's okay. It really is okay. I don't have to drink over it, and I don't drink over it, and I haven't drank over it for 38 years. I still work at it. Wanting things fixed immediately is a huge defect of my character. For my kids, for my life, for my friend, I am a fixer. I'm a fixer. Why do you think I do this podcast? I want to help you. I want to fix you. It's another part of my fixism. Thinking sobriety would magically erase your personality problems. Nope. Instead, alcohol left, but the defect stayed. That surprised me. But it's okay. It's okay. They get better. They really do. Okay. Another thing about step six, it isn't about becoming perfect. None of this, none of this is about becoming perfect. Please understand that. None of it. We do our best, our very best, but we do our best. And sometimes our best isn't much. And sometimes it's a whole lot. Our best changes. But this is not about becoming per perfect. This is one of my favorite truths. God never asked us to be perfect. Your higher power is never asking you to be perfect. It asks us to become willing. There's a huge difference. Did you hear that in that step? The word willing, it's there. Entirely ready doesn't mean completely changed. It means I'm done defending my problems, my issues, my insecurities. I'm done pretending that those insecurities that I have surrounded myself with are helping me. I'm willing to let go of all of that, even if I don't know how. Imagine cleaning out a closet. You know that you'll those jeans you'll never wear again. You know they don't fit. You know they've been hanging there for five years,

Alcohol Was The Solution Not Defect

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but somehow you can't donate them. Step six is finally putting the bag by the front door. Not because it's easy, but because you're ready.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

I think that is a great analogy, personally. But I I do love that.

SPEAKER_00 7:53

So in the big book, and in a lot of ways, we've discussed how willingness often comes before change.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

You need to be willing in order to change.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

And in some ways it comes easy, and in some ways it doesn't. Recovery isn't about forcing ourselves, it's about surrender.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

I want you to think about that. Okay? Just keep keep that in our mind.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

There may be defects we secretly like. Some defects we actually enjoy. Sarcasm, that is me. I had a phone call in there. Sorry about that. I will do my best to edit that. Hopefully you won't notice anything. But you might, and if you did, that's why. Sarcasm is me, being right, control, martyrdom, gossip. These aren't all me, but I would tell you being right and sarcasm are. But for you, it might be martyrdom. It might be gossip, judging, being the fixer. That's me. Let's be honest. Sometimes our defects feel like old friends. They do. They're comforting. They're warm. They embrace us. Are they good for us? Not always. We know they're hurting us, but they're familiar.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Recovery asks us what would life look like without needing them. I want you to think about this. What habits keep showing up? And what do you get from it?

SPEAKER_00 9:23

What would happen if you let it go? And what is scaring you about that change? Readiness doesn't readiness doesn't mean confidence. I love this idea. When I got sober, I wasn't confident. I was desperate. When I worked the steps, I wasn't confident. But I was willing, and that is enough. Did you hear what I said?

SPEAKER_01 9:49

I was willing, willing to do this.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

And that is enough. God has never asked me to have everything figured out. Just keep taking the next step, a step at a time, a day at a time, a

Willingness Beats Perfection Every Time

SPEAKER_00 10:05

moment at a time. Sometimes in the beginning of sobriety, it's a second at a time. But we need to move forward and we need to be willing. People pleasing, anger, self-pity, need for approval. Any of this sound familiar? Control, fear, procrastination, judgment. These begin as a protection for you, but they eventually become a prison. Because defects have benefits. Control feels safe. Anger feels powerful.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Isolation avoids rejection. Perfectionism avoids criticism. Oh, and I hate to be criticized.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

I it it triggers me, but I need to accept it and I need to learn to accept it. The brain says, if you let these go, who are you? I'm gonna give you the answer. Recovery answers by saying, you will finally get to find out who you are. Because that's not who you are. Those are defense mechanisms. So what does entirely ready look like? Well, I can tell you it sounds like I don't want to live like this in this way anymore. It can look like tired.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

You could be more open. You could say things like I don't know how. But you're saying you're ready. I'm willing. That's step six.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

I want you to I I want to challenge you. I want you to choose one character defect, only one. Write it down. Notice it all week. Don't fight it. Live with it. If it's perfectionism, live in your perfectionism. Don't shame yourself. I just want you to notice that defect all week. And then I want you to ask yourself, what am I trying to protect? Okay, can you do that for me? What am I trying to protect? Recovery isn't becoming someone new, it's uncovering who you've always been underneath the fear. Step six isn't about losing yourself, it's about losing everything that keeps you from yourself. And that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Next week, we'll talk about step seven.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

The shortest prayer in the 12 steps, and one of the most powerful. As always, I thank you so much for being here. And if these episodes are giving you something that are helping you, I am so pleased. Share with a friend, share with the people you know. We're growing, our little audience is growing, and that's what I want. My goal is to help one person. So if you're that one person, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for spending this time with me. I am proud of you. I want you to keep coming back. It works if you work it. On my website, MarcyBackusmedia.com, will be a companion worksheet, step six reflection. It'll give you some questions to answer and some things if you if you're

Pick One Defect And Study It

SPEAKER_00 13:18

into that. And if that helps you, I try to provide things that will help you. I want to thank you again. I look forward to seeing you next week. My vacation is over, so live episodes every week, every Friday. Thank you. Have a great week, everyone.