How To Make A Step Eight List Without Shame

We break down AA Step Eight into something you can actually do: write the list, name the harm, and build willingness without drowning in shame. We talk about impact, boundaries, safety, and why you don’t rush into Step Nine just to get quick relief.  

• Step Eight as preparation, not punishment  
• The hardest name to write being your own  
• Trust, boundaries, and why healing has multiple timelines  
• What counts as harm and how subtle harms show up  
• Willingness versus readiness and “willing to become willing”  
• Step Eight versus Step Nine and why speed can cause new harm  
• Safety considerations around abuse, trauma, legal issues, and no-contact requests  
• A practical four-column worksheet for your list  
• Options when direct contact is not appropriate, including unsent letters and restitution  
• A weekly challenge to start the list gently  

If this episode helped you, please follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who may be working through the steps, or share it with someone who doesn't have a program. And this podcast could perhaps become their program.  

Transcript

Welcome To Step Eight

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello and welcome to Unfogble, sobriety uncorped, unfiltered, and unapologetically real. I am Marcy and I am an alcoholic. And today we're continuing our journey through the 12 steps. We're on step eight. If you missed the others, you can go back and catch them. This is actually my 34th episode. We started this podcast in January after I've been sober for 38 years. Yeah. That's crazy, right? 38 years. Yeah. So my kids encouraged me that this is something that maybe I might do, considering I had two other podcasts. So welcome if you're new. Welcome back if you've been here with us. But today we're continuing to go through those 12 steps of the summer with step eight. And that is made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Now, when I first heard step eight, I thought, oh, absolutely not. Oh, a list of everyone I harmed? I don't know. How much time do we have? That's what I thought. Do I need a legal pen, a notebook? Now, back when I got sober, there were no cell phones to talk into. Sad, right? All we had were pagers to get hold of your drug dealer, but I digress. Anyways, should I alphabetize it, color code it, add footnotes? I didn't know what the heck to do. And then there was the second half of that whole statement, which was willing to make amends to them all. Amends? I don't even know if I was sure what amends meant back then. Anyways, all, like all. Like are you sure all? And I thought, that's very ambitious little word there, all. Because they're making people, there may be people on that list whom we have love deeply and genuinely want to make things right with. There may, I can't talk today. I'm so sorry. There may also be people who we would prefer to never see again. There may be people we harmed accidentally. There may be people we harmed while we were drinking, people we harmed after we stopped drinking, people we blamed for everything, people we still believed harmed us first. And there may be one name that is surprisingly difficult to put on the list. Can you even think about what name might be the hardest for you to put on that list? Your own. Your own name needs to go on that list too. Today we are going to talk about step eight, what it really asks us to do, what it does not ask us to do, because we always tend to read into things, how to build the list without drowning in shame, and how willingness can grow even when it is not there at the beginning. Because step eight is not a punishment. I know it can feel that way. It's preparation. Everything we've been doing, all of these steps are leading to something. They work off each other. Not one of them is good alone. You need all 12. So it's in preparation. It is preparation. It is the beginning of clearing away the wreckage that keeps us tied to our past. Being tied to our past doesn't give us any ability. And I want you to think about that being tied to your past. I want you to think about your past being a heavy weight that you're just dragging along with you. You cannot move forward easily with that weight tied to you. You may be able to do it trudgingly. I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm just saying we can make it a lot easier. So I want you to breathe in. Breathe out. Amazing how breathing can just relax things. Nobody is being sent out today to knock on doors, call an ex at midnight, confess every thought they ever had, or walk into every family reunion wearing a sandwich board that says, Ask me how I ruined everything. Today we are making the list. That's enough.

From Humility To Real Impact

SPEAKER_00 4:28

So I want you to take a quick look back at step seven. Before we move fully into step eight, let's remember where we have been. In step six, we became entirely ready to have our defects of character removed. In seven, we humbly asked our higher power, and you know my feeling about higher power, whatever your higher power is right now, that's what I want you to look at. And I want you to ask it to remove your shortcomings. Actually, I don't want that. Step seven does. Step seven was about humility, not humiliation, not making ourselves small, not declaring ourselves worthless. It was about recognizing that we cannot bully ourselves into becoming different people. We need help, we need honesty, we need practice, we need a willingness to let go of the patterns that once protected us, but are now hurting us and the people around us. And then step eight says, in effect, now that you have looked at your behavior, let's look at its impact. Yes, we're looking at its impact. That is an important shift because recovery cannot only be about how much better we feel. Sobriety is not just, I stopped drinking, so everybody should be thrilled. Sometimes we stop drinking and discover that the people around us are relieved but also cautious. Can you blame them? They may love us and still not trust us. And so don't get that twisted. If somebody in your life is not trusting you, don't come out hard at them. They can love you and still not trust you. Have you given them any reason to trust you? They may be proud of us and still be hurt. They may want a relationship with us, but still need boundaries. You know, I didn't tell anybody in my life, not my friends, not my family, nobody that I was going to AA until I was 90 days sober. It was a decision I made. Now I am a one and done. I did go to my first meeting. I've never drank sets. Proud of that. And I'm also understanding that I did the work to make sure that that happened. And I know for some of us it's not that easy. And again, you know, I never condemn anybody for going out because you never lose your sobriety, even if you do go out. Remember that. You still have that sobriety. Yes, you may have to start at day one, but you have that wisdom and you have that knowledge. So, you know, people can still not trust you and still love you. They may want a relationship with us and still need boundaries. And that can feel unfair when we are working so hard. But remember, they need to be cautious too. And they don't have a program to work, we do. We may think, I haven't had a drink in three months. Why are you still bringing up what happened three years ago? Because while we're counting sober days, somebody else may still be counting the promises we broke. That does not mean we deserve to be punished forever. It means healing has more than one timeline. Step eight helps us to begin respecting that.

What Belongs On The List

SPEAKER_00 7:47

Let's break the step into two parts. Make a list of people we harm, not a list of people who annoyed us. Really, that list could include the harms that you have done, could include just dishonesty, neglect, manipulation, anger, broken promises, financial irresponsibility, gossip, infidelity, emotional absence, reckless behavior, unreliability, control, cruel words, taking people for granted. There's one you may not think you need to atone for, but you do. Creating fear or instability, think about that. Did you create fear or instability for a roommate or for a husband or for your children? Failing to show up, making other people responsible for our emotions, using silence as a punishment, expecting people to rescue us, blaming everyone else for the consequences of our drinking. Some of the harm may be obvious and some of it may be very subtle. And it'll be interesting when you do this step, the reactions that you'll get. You will think something was very small and you're making amends for it. And that person gives you the biggest negative reaction. And you may have something that was horrible. And when you work with that person and talk to that person, they are kind and understanding and give you grace. Remember, we are not responsible how others respond. We are responsible for our words, our actions, what we have done in the past and making the amends. But you are not responsible for their reaction.

Willingness Is Enough For Now

SPEAKER_00 9:37

And the step also tells us we need to become willing to make amends. Notice the step does not say feel completely ready and excited to make amends. It says become willing. And willing really is the bare minimum there, right? Like, are you willing to do it? We know we should. I'm willing, I'm willing to become willing, and that counts. You may look at one name and think, I can make this right. You may look at another name and think, I would rather clean every public toilet in Chicago with a toothbrush than talk to that person. That does not mean you have failed step eight. It means you have found the place where more work is needed. And right now I have an amends I probably should make in 38 years sober that just happened this year. And right now I'm not willing. And I'm working on it. I'm willing to become willing, and that's all I know I need to do. And eventually I will work my way there. But I need to do this in my time and all of this in steps. Nobody's pushing you to do them fast, people. If you're here for 38 years like me, you got plenty of time to get these steps done. So if you're rushing yourself, take a step back, get ready. And again, it doesn't mean that you failed step eight. I've done step eight. You know how many times in 38 years I've done step eight? A lot. I need to do it again. And I will, just not right now. Willingness does not mean you approve of what someone did to you. It does not mean you deny your own pain. It does not mean you allow an unsafe person back into your life. Absolutely not. It does not mean every relationship will be restored. Ones will and ones won't. And I think it'll shock you which ones go where. It means you are become willing to take responsibility for your part of your keeping your side of the street clean. You've heard that saying, right? That's all you can do. What the other person does on the other side, not your business. Stay in your lane. Step eight is not step nine. This is one of the most important things we can understand. Step eight is the list. Step nine is the action. So step eight is creating the list and asking if you're willing. That's all you got to do. Step nine is the act, excuse me, got the hiccups, the action step. So please do not rush ahead. Work with your sponsor on this. Work with them. They've been through it, they can help you with this. And a lot of, you know, remember, sponsors are just people. So I do this podcast to just give you a lot of information that you can take. You can take it back to your sponsor. You can have your sponsor listen. And I am not the be-all end-all. This is my experience, my strength, my experience, my strength, and my hope for you. I am not the AA monitor, but I've taken time to look at these steps and try to break them down in ways that help all of us understand. Oh, okay. So some of us hear the words make amends and immediately start sending texts. Don't do it. Because we want instant relief. We want to get this over with as fast as possible. No, no, no, no, no. I want you to take some time with this. Sit with this step. Don't rush this step. We want the other person to tell us it's all fine and I forgive you. You are wonderful. Let's never speak of this again. And guess what? That's not what always happens. And I'm going to tell you right now, there's going to be one of your amends. That's what you're expecting. You're not going to get it. And there's another one that you think somebody's going to clobber you over the head and they're going to give you the most grace. I'm telling you, it's how it works. Not in all instances, but if you have a decent sized list, I think that's going to happen. And making amends without guidance can cause new harm. So that's the other thing. Don't rush this. Work with someone.

Do No Harm And Stay Safe

SPEAKER_00 13:56

I want to remind you there are certain situations that may involve abuse, trauma, legal consequences, financial complications, former relationships, family secrets, infidelity, people who have requested no contact, people whose safety and stability could be affected by what we reveal, people who are no longer living. These situations need to be put in a separate box, in my opinion. They require thought, patience, and often guidance from a sponsor or a counselor or another experienced person because your ability to be given grace should not come at the harm of someone else. Step eight, while you're making that list, should be a do no harm list. An amends is not, I felt terrible over the years. And now I'm going to tell you a very awful detail so I can finally sleep. If what you did, let's just say, is unknown to the other person, and by telling them can cause them an emotional scar or harm, are you really doing any good? Or can you sit with that amends on by yourself and work yourself through it? Because your job is not to make yourself feel lighter while making others heavier. You need to ask yourself, is this for healing or for relief? Could this information hurt them unnecessarily? And here's the big one for all of them. Are you prepared to listen without defending yourself? Because the the defending is going to negate the whole thing. You need to sit there and accept your part in it. Are you prepared for them not to forgive you? For them to be angry? Are you prepared for them to say thank you and not want a relationship? Today we do not make the call. We write the name, we identify the harm, we work on willingness. Can I say that again? This step is three small parts. Write the name, identify the harm, and work on willingness. The people we do not want to put on the list. So there's going to be difficult names. There's going to be people that we've hurt, we've betrayed. There are people whose lives we made miserable. There are actions could have caused civic significant physical and mental harm to someone. Step eight does not ask you to rewrite history. It asks whether somewhere within that relationship you caused harm. Okay? Or maybe after careful and honest consideration, you did not harm that person. Maybe talking with someone else and talking through a situation that you see one way, they'll see another. This is why we do not do step eight alone or in our own head. Now, if you're working, if you're working in AA and you're working through this great, if you're one of my listeners that is doing this just through this podcast, maybe, or with a couple of different podcasts, find someone you absolutely trust and have them work this through this with you. Our minds are creative little attorneys. One minute our mind says you're responsible for everything bad that has ever happened. And in the next minute, you have never done a thing wrong in your entire life. Neither is accurate. If someone has abused you, an amends does not mean placing yourself back in danger. If someone abused you and you did something negative, no, I don't want you putting yourself in danger. That's not this step. Or putting others in danger. This is not this step. Sometimes it is respecting a no-contact boundary. Maybe your kids have gotten no contact because of your freaking behavior and alcoholism. No. You don't get to say, I need to talk to you because I'm working my program and I'm not going to stay sober if you don't listen to me. Screw you. If somebody's gotten no contact on you, respect that. Respect people's boundaries that they may have set up when you were using drinking and misbehaving. Sometimes it is making a donation, changing our behavior, writing a letter we do not send, or refusing to repeat the harm in future relationships. If your kids have gone no contact because of your behavior, make a donation in their name. Do some good if you can't actually fix it. There is no spiritual prize for walking back into a burning building. Okay, step eight can wake up some shame. I'm not gonna lie. Shame wants us to hide. It does. Responsibility asks us to tell the truth. Shame says we are permanently broken. Responsibility says change is possible. Responsibility gives us somewhere to go. Okay. We drank because we felt bad, and then we behaved badly because we drank. Then we felt worse. We've been through this. I don't want you to put yourself through that cycle again. There's tremendous freedom in being able to say, yes, I did that. I regret it. I cannot change the past, but I can decide what kind of person I will be now. This is not weakness, this is integrity.

A Simple Four Column Worksheet

SPEAKER_00 20:27

So, how to build the list? Let's talk about something practical. I know the last few episodes have been a little bit long. I try to keep these short because I know our alcoholic attention span is not that long. So let's just talk about how to build the list real quick here. I want you to take a notebook or a worksheet and create four simple columns. The person or institution. So it may be a bank you stole from when you work at. I don't know. The person, the institution, or the institution, what I did, how it may have affected them, and my current level of willingness to make amends. And you may need categories under willingness. I'm willing now, I'm afraid, but will, not willing yet, unsure need guidance, or no direct contact may be appropriate. Your sponsor will love this type of a list because it gives them something to go on with you. You've already thought through it. I think a lot of people wait, they make a half-assed list, no offense. Okay, they get with their sponsor and they have to work through it. And that's all well and good. And if that's all you're capable of, I get it. But if you're capable of more, do more. Do the work ahead of time. So let's say the name is your spouse. Under what I did, you might write, I lied about my drinking, broke some promises, became emotionally unavailable, and made them question their own judgment. Under how it affected them, you might write, they became Became a very anxious person, distressful. They were lonely. They got angry. Or they took more responsibility than they should have. Under willingness, you might write, I am willing, but I'm afraid of hearing how much pain I cause. That's all fair. That is honest. Maybe the person is your child. You might write, I missed events, I embarrassed them in front of their friends. I made them take care of me emotionally, or created a very unstable home life. The effect could be they became fearful, overly independent, people, pleasers, angry, have horrible relationships of their own because they were never shown a good relationship. You name it. And here is something important. We do not decide for people exactly how they felt. We can consider it. And I want you to think about how they may have felt, but we may be totally off. You may have harmed an employer. Think about those coworkers in the past who might have covered for you or had to work late because of you and all those things. If you can hunt them down, I know I would love an apology for that. Neighbors, institutions, communities, strangers, yourself. I currently have a neighbor across the hall who is definitely a practicing alcoholic. And he stresses me out because I know his life doesn't have to be like that, but he's not ready. And it's not my job to make him ready. But he does stress me out. I see him in that uh just he comes home with a cut across his eye. I he's in all different shapes of disrepair when he's going out or coming back. I he is the sweetest man, but boy, does it break my heart. So having 38 years of sobriety doesn't mean that it's all rainbows and lollipops, you know what I mean? Do not worry about getting that list perfect on the first try. Just work on it, okay? Just work on this list. I want you to work on this. And the last part I want to remind you is that we put ourselves on that list. Because we harmed ourselves, absolutely. We harmed our bodies, our finances, our careers, our reputations, our peace of mind. We ignored our health. We've spoken to ourselves in a level of cruelty, which I cannot fathom ever saying to anybody else. We lied to ourselves, we put ourselves through hell. Put yourself on that list. That's okay. And that's why you put that on the list. You may not get to it today, but as you stay sober longer and your toolbox gets full of more tools, you'll be able to revisit that. This is not a list that's won and done. You're gonna keep this list ongoing. Family members can be some of the hardest because they have the longest memory of hurt. So give them grace. Give all these people grace. You're asking for grace, and we need to give them grace too. Financial harm is a tough one. If you stole, pay it back. If you can, it may require a payment, repayment plan. Even if it's small, that's something I get asked a lot about. I want you to fix that. The people we cannot contact, as I said before, write a letter that is not sent, speak the truth to a sponsor, make restitution anonymously. Do what you can to make that right. And you can be as creative as you need to be for that, but make it right. I, you know, I this is a point where I wanted to share a personal story, and I kind of already

Boundaries When People Hurt Us

SPEAKER_00 26:19

did that. I had an event happen in January between me and a family member, and I was taken off guard by what happened. My behavior was not, their behavior was not good, my behavior wasn't not any better. And I need to make amends for that. I'm willing to, but I'm not ready. Because I don't want that person back in my life ever. I'm not willing to risk it again. I've risked it before with that person, and this time it lasted a long time. And I got bit. And looking at it from all angles, honestly, and talking about the situation with people, I did not deserve to be bit. They had feelings, and I was bit so hard right off the bat that I didn't even get to address those feelings. Their feelings may be very valid. Their thoughts about me may be very valid, all of those things, but I got bit so fast that there was no room for conversation. And to be honest, I'm not willing to have that conversation anymore. I'm not willing to have that relationship anymore. We need to set our own boundaries. But at some point, I need to make amends for my part in that interaction. And when I do, I'll let you know. So here's our challenge for this

Weekly Challenge And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_00 27:50

week. Week. I can't talk. Set aside 20 quiet minutes. Write three headings: people I know I harmed, people I may have harmed, people I am resisting putting on the list. I don't want you to contact anyone, text anyone. Do not compose a 12-page confessional. Just write the names. I'm not asking for any more than writing the names. Well, I am asking a little more. Next to each name, I want you to write one sentence describing the harm. And then mark willing, afraid, but willing, not willing, need guidance. I will do the same. There will be one name on that list. I will write how I may have harmed them. And we know that I am not willing yet. I don't need any guidance at this point. Sometimes I do, not today. I do want to remind you if you enjoyed this conversation, that I do have two other podcasts, Aging A for Sissies, where we talk honestly with plenty of humor about getting older. And trust me, getting older starts at 40. So if you're 40 and above, I think you'll enjoy it. If you're under, it might be a little over your head. And on Inside Marcy Mind, I talk about everyday life, food, relationships, culture, strange habits. This week on Inside Marcy's Mind, I'm going to be talking about all those little things that make us happy, like clean sheets, for example. You can find all three shows where you listen to this podcast and other podcasts, because apparently one podcast was not enough for me. No, it was not. I got a lot to say. Step eight is an act of courage. Don't kid yourself. Not because we are forced to relive every mistake, but because we are choosing to stop running from the truth. We make the list without excuses. We consider the impact without drowning in shame. We allow willingness to grow. And we prepare to do what we can to repair what we damaged. It's making me a little emotional. Some names will be easy to write, some will make your stomach turn. Some will bring deep grief. Some will bring a great amount of relief. Take your time. Ask for help. Do not rush into step nine without guidance, and we will cover step nine next week. And remember, you are not making this list because you are beyond redemption. You are making it because redemption asks something of us. It asks for honesty, responsibility, humility, courage, and a willingness to live different. I want to thank you as always for joining me today. That really got me emotional. My apologies. Thank you for joining me today on Unbottled Sobriety, Uncorked, Unfiltered, and Unapologetically Real. I am Marcy and I am an alcoholic. If this episode helped you, please follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who may be working through the steps, or share it with someone who doesn't have a program. And this podcast could perhaps become their program. I just want people to be sober. However you get there, however you do it, just do it. Next time we move into step nine, making direct amends wherever possible, except for when doing so would injure them or others. And yes, step nine is where things get real. Until then, remember, you do not have to repair your whole life today. You only have to be honest about the next right thing. Stay sober, stay honest, and stay unworthy.