Step Nine Without The Shame

I walk through AA Step 9 and why making amends is about responsibility and repair, not shame, forced forgiveness, or dumping guilt onto someone else. I share simple, practical ways to do direct amends safely, including when not to make contact and how changed behavior becomes the most meaningful kind of amends. 

• Step 9 as action after Step 8 willingness 
• Why amends are not humiliation or closure-chasing 
• Working with a sponsor or trusted guide to avoid harmful “great ideas” 
• The injury clause and how psychological harm counts 
• Apology versus amends and what repair looks like 
• Living amends through consistency and changed behavior 
• A simple face-to-face script and removing the word “but” 
• Letting go of controlling the other person’s reaction 
• Financial amends with a realistic payment plan and follow-through 
• Family amends built on reliability, honesty, and listening 
• Options when someone is unreachable or unsafe to contact 
• A small Step 9 challenge focused on today’s relationships 

If Unbottled helps you, please follow the show. Share it with somebody who might need it. Leave me a rating or a review. 

Transcript

Welcome And Step Nine Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello and welcome to Unboxable. Sobriety uncorked, unfiltered, and unapologetically real. I am Marcy and I am an alcoholic. And if you've been following along with me this summer, we've officially arrived at step nine. And what does step nine say? Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except for when to do so would injure them or others. Well, here we go. Because step eight let us make that list. And if you missed last week's episode, please go back and listen. And we did step eight. So we have this fabulous list that we have created, we have worked hard on, we have agonized over, we have thought about, we have put a lot of work into, and now what? Well, step nine tells us to actually do something about it. Ooh, isn't that exciting? And suddenly step eight doesn't seem nearly so bad, does it? Honestly. It's one thing to sit at the kitchen table with your sponsor and write somebody's name on a piece of paper. And again, if you didn't catch last week's episode, go back because I tell you how to make a really good list at doing this, or I give you suggestions. I don't tell you how to do anything. Pardon my language there. I give you suggestions, take it or leave it, because I am not about bossing you around here. But I do have some good ideas. Go back and listen to that one. So again, it's all it's one thing to sit there, write these names down, write down what you think you've done, etc. It's quite another thing to pick up the phone and say, Hey, remember me? The person who made your life absolutely miserable for a while. Or, hey, remember me, I used to work for you. Or, hey, remember me, I used to be married to you. Yeah. Honestly, it takes a little more courage to make that phone call than it does to actually just sit down and write a list. So if you think writing that list was hard, this next part is challenging, but totally doable. You can get through this one bit at a time. Excuse me, one bit at a time. But here's what I want you to

Step Nine Is Not Self-Punishment

SPEAKER_00 2:25

know right from the beginning. Step nine, just like step eight, step nine is not about humiliation. It's not about crawling back through your past and beating yourself up. Absolutely not. It's not about forcing someone to forgive you either. And it's definitely not about showing up unannounced on somebody's doorstep because you suddenly decided you need closure. There's a lot of thought that needs to go into this. And please don't do that. Step nine is about taking responsibility. It's about cleaning up your side of the street, what you can clean up. Because as we talked about last week, there may be some things on there that you are not going to get the closure you want on. Whether it's the people won't give it to you, or even asking it is risking their sanity. So it's about learning to live differently. Step eight to step nine. Last week we talked about step eight, like I've talked about, made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Willing, remember that word willing. It's a very important word, willing. Step eight prepares our heart. And step nine, asks for action. And this is where working with a sponsor becomes especially important. Again, if you are working a different program or a program on your own, find someone that you trust that you can work this through. Because alcoholics, and I say this with tremendous affection, because I am one, we can have some spectacularly bad ideas. True, true. We can convince ourselves that something is a terrific idea simply because we really, really want to do it. Oh my gosh, that's so true. I think I should call my ex at midnight. No. I think I should explain every detail of my affair to everyone involved. Maybe not. Maybe not. Absolutely not, really. I think I need to tell my elderly mother every horrible thing I ever thought about her. Absolutely not. The step itself gives us a giant warning label. Except for when to do so would injure them or others. And injure doesn't mean breaking an arm. I mean, is it gonna psychologically scar this person? I mean, an elderly mom? No, no, it's not okay. Just

Apology Versus Real Amends

SPEAKER_00 5:10

make yourself feel better. Oh, except for when to do so would injure them or others. That sentence matters enormously because step nine is not supposed to relieve my guilt by dumping pain onto someone else. And guess what? An amends is not just an apology. Here is probably the biggest thing I want people to understand about step nine. An amend and an apology are not exactly the same thing. An apology says, I'm sorry. An amend says, I recognize what I did, I take responsibility for it, and I want to repair what I reasonably can. And then comes the really important part. I change my behavior. Because if I say, I am so sorry I borrowed money from you and never paid it back, and then I leave without talking about paying back the money, that not is not much of an amends. If I say I am sorry, I was constantly late and unreliable, and I continue being constantly late and unreliable, again, we may have missed the point. Again, it's saying you regret something and changing the behavior. Sometimes the greatest amend we can make is what AA people sometimes call a living amend. It means I live differently now. Maybe I neglected my children when I was drinking. I didn't have any. But if I did, I would have. I cannot go backward and give them those years back. That's painful, but it's true. What I can do is show up today. I can answer the phone. I can keep promises. I can listen. I can be dependable. I can stop making everything about me. That is an amend that happens over and over again. So that's a living amends. And frankly, those may be some of the most meaningful amends we ever make. It could be to your wife, to your husband, to your parents, to your children, to your best friend. I have been a living amend to my best friend, I hope, for the last 38 years. I was a hot mess there for a while. Oh, and then there's the dreaded face-to-face amend. Now let's talk about the one everybody worries about the direct amends. You're sitting across

Living Amends And Face-To-Face Talks

SPEAKER_00 7:55

from someone you hurt, your stomach is flipping, your mouth is dry, and suddenly moving to another country sounds like a perfectly reasonable alternative. Again, there's that alcoholic thinking. And this is where simplicity helps. You do not need to deliver a 45-minute monologue. Actually, don't. You don't need dramatic music. You don't need the doink doink from law and order. You do not need a full PowerPoint in presentation entitled Marcy's Greatest Hits, 1982 through 1987. Yes, I did get sober in 1988, a very long time ago. You acknowledge what you did, you take responsibility, and you don't make excuses. You don't even say, why was drinking then? No. Acknowledge and take responsibility. That's it. And when appropriate, you ask, you ask what you can do to make it right. Something along the lines of, I treated you badly. I was very selfish and unreliable. I know my behavior hurt you. I am really not here to make excuses. I want to take responsibility for what I did and make things right where I can. Notice what's missing? Think about it. What's missing in that? I'll say it again. I treated you badly. I was selfish and unreliable, and I know that my behavior hurt you. I am not here to make excuses. I want to take responsibility for what I did and make things right where I can. What's missing is the butt. That wonderful little word world word we love. I'm sorry I screamed at you, but you were really annoying. No. I'm sorry I took the money, but I was drinking. Nope. I'm sorry I cheated, but our relationship wasn't very good. Still, big fat no. Alcohol may explain our behavior. It does not erase our responsibility for it. Nobody made us drink, nobody forced a drink down our throat. We chose to drink. We made that decision alone. And here's the next part of all this. We don't control their response. And now we come to something really important. This is so important. When you make an amend, you do not get to decide how the other person reacts.

Drop The But And Own It

SPEAKER_00 10:25

And that's brutal. Because somewhere in our heads, we may have scripted the whole thing. We imagine saying, I'm deeply sorry. And they say, Oh my gosh, thank you. I've been waiting 20 years for this moment. And then they hug you. Everyone cries. Hallmark buys the movie rights. Now that may happen. Or they may say, I don't forgive you. They may still be angry because remember, while you've been getting ready to do this, they had no idea it's coming. They get a chance to digest it and react immediately, or they may come back later. And you need to be okay with that. They may not want a relationship with you, they may say almost nothing and give you nothing to go on, and you're just gonna have to say, okay. And your job is not to argue with them into accepting your amends. The purpose of step nine is to clean your side of the street. You've heard that a million times in a million different scenarios. It's the truth here. Sweep it up, deal with it, and move on. You take responsibility for what belongs to you. What they do with it belongs to them. And sometimes their responses may surprise you. You may have carried guilt over something for years and finally say, I need to apologize for what I did. And they say, Marcy, I barely remember that. Okay. Meanwhile, you've been carrying it around like you're wanted by the FBI. That happens too. Or it could work the other way around. You apologize and for something that you may have not seen as such a big deal, but it deserves an amends. And you're thinking, okay, they're going to accept this because and it may have been a huge deal to them.

You Can’t Control Their Reaction

SPEAKER_00 12:20

All right, now let's get to the part when direct amends would cause harm. This part deserves a serious deserves serious attention. The step specifically says we make amends wherever possible, except for when to do so would injure them or others. And again, we're not talking about a broken arm. That may mean a direct amends isn't appropriate. Maybe contacting someone would reopen a wound for them that is too great. Maybe the person has made it clear they do not want contact. If it's a child, an adult child, and they have walked away from you. That's not fair to get into their world. Again, it's it would be a selfish act for me to break into that world that they've asked me to stay out of so I could tell them I'm sorry. And if you don't see that as selfish, take a minute, sit back with it, and digest it. Maybe the other person could be placed in danger. Maybe there are legal, financial, relationship, or safety complications. That is exactly why step nine is not something we should do freestyle. Talk it through with a sponsor or another trusted person who understands the steps. That's important. If you're working outside of the AA program and you want to do this, you need to explain to someone, have them listen to this episode so they get it. Because again, we can us Alkies can be very creative when we're trying to convince ourselves that our motives are pure. Sometimes they are. And sometimes what we're actually thinking is if I confess this to you, then I won't have to feel guilty anymore. Yeah. I, I. Too many eyes in that sentence. Except now you get to feel really horrible. That's not recovery, that's guilt relocation. How about those financial amends you might need to make? Some amends are very practical. You owe somebody money, the amend may involve paying them back. And maybe you can't pay everything tomorrow. Fine. The amend might begin with I owe you $2,000. I cannot pay the entire amount right now, but I can pay you $100 a month until it's paid. Then the living amend is actually spending the hundred sending, excuse me, not spending, sending the $100 every month. Not $100 the first month, then $75, then forgetting. Pay it off. Pay it off. Otherwise, the amend is worthless and actually worse. Made direct amends, except for when there was something really cute I wanted at Nordstrom's. Nope. That's not how paying back works. Recovery

When Direct Amends Cause Harm

SPEAKER_00 15:10

can be terribly inconvenient. So is drinking, by the way. All right, family amends. Family amends can be especially complicated because families remember things. Boy, do families remember things. You can forget something you did 30 years ago. Your sibling remembers what you were wearing. And I want you to think about that. Think about your childhood. Your sister remembers when you borrowed that sweater and stretched it out. May have nothing to do with your alcoholism. Families don't forget. But when making amends to a family, one of the best gifts we can give to offer is not just words, it's consistency. If you were unreliable, become reliable. If you were a liar, practice honesty. If you disappeared, show up. If you made promises you didn't keep, keep your promises. If everything always had to revolve around your needs, start asking, How are you? That'll shock them. And then actually listen to the answer. We cannot change yesterday, but we have enormous power over how we behave today. And how about those people we can't reach? What about someone who has died? Someone you cannot find, someone you absolutely should not contact. And that could be somebody you were married to that's moved on. I don't know. But if you absolutely should not contact them, do not. You might donate to something else meaningful, a women's shelter, anything. You you might change a behavior. You might sit quietly and say what you wish you could have said and picture that person across from you. There are many ways to take responsibility without causing additional harm. Again,

Financial And Family Amends That Stick

SPEAKER_00 17:25

this is where guidance matters. Before we keep going, I want to remind you that Unbottled is one of three podcasts from Marcy Bacchus Media. If sobriety isn't the only thing bouncing around in your brain, and let's hope it isn't, you can also join me over at Aging Name for Sissies, where we talk about getting older. I say that one's for the 40 and above crowd. Inside Marcy's mind, that's all ages. And we talk about pretty much everything. This last week I talked about all those little unexpected joys that you find in your life. I have three podcasts, one slightly overactive mind. Look for all three wherever you listen to podcasts. All right, now let's get back to step nine. All right, step nine. There is something extraordinary that starts happening as we clean up our past. We become less afraid of it. Think about how exhausting it has been spending years hoping certain people never see us or we never see them, or hoping certain stories never come back up, or carrying around shame about who we were. Step nine begins removing some of that weight. Not because everything gets magically erased, it doesn't. Because we stop running from responsibility, we can finally say, yes, I did that. That was wrong. I wish I had done things differently. And this is how I live now. There is tremendous dignity in that. One of the beautiful things about the this part of the program is that AA talks about changes beginning to happen as we work through the process, the promises. We start to know a new freedom. We stop regretting the past quite so intensely. Fear starts loosening its grip. We begin understanding ourselves differently. And here is what I love. It doesn't say our past becomes wonderful. It says our relationship with our past changes. And that's very different. I didn't have to pretend everything that happened was okay. I can say that happened. I learned from it. I repaired what I could,

Amends When You Can’t Contact Them

SPEAKER_00 19:55

and I am no longer living there. That is freedom. That I couldn't talk to. And I had to do my amends without that part being there. And I did it. What step nine is really teaching us? I think step nine is teaching us how to live as responsible adults. Not perfect adults, responsible ones. We hurt someone, we address it. We owe something, we repay it. We break something, we repair it. We mess up, we own it. Imagine how different life would be if everybody did this. I have said over and over again, if the whole world would work the 12 steps, it would be a lot happier place. Imagine Congress doing step nine, or our current president for that matter. Actually, never mind. We only have 25 minutes. But seriously, this step isn't just about our old drunken behavior. It's training us for the future. Because guess what? Sober people still screw up. Oh, shocking, right? Shocking. 38 years sober does not suddenly turn you into the Dalai Lama. No, it does not. We're still gonna say stupid things. Oh Lordy, yes. We're still gonna hurt someone's feelings. We're still gonna get defensive. We're still going to make mistakes. The difference is now we have tools. We don't have to wait 15 years to fix something. Sometimes we can say, I was wrong, I shouldn't have said that, I hurt you. What can I do to make it right? Step nine becomes a way of life. All right, what's our challenge for the week? If you're actively working the steps, please do not hear this episode and immediately start calling everyone. On your step eight list, okay? Work with your sponsor, decide

Weekly Challenge And Closing Call

SPEAKER_00 22:05

which amends are appropriate. Remember, I told you how to make that list, so work with that list with your sponsor, decide what needs to be said, decide what should not be said, and then take the right at next right action. If you're listening and you're not working the steps formally, here's something that everyone can do. Think about one relationship in your life today, not 30 years ago, today. Is there something small you need to repair? A phone call you haven't returned, something you said that came out wrong, a promise that you didn't follow through on, a resentment that makes has made you behave badly. Maybe your step nine this week is simply saying, I owe you an apology and then changing the behavior. I think that one is probably something you could do at work. Or at least most of us. All right. Step nine sounds frightening because it forces us to face people in situations we may not we may have spent years avoiding. But underneath all of that fear is something beautiful. Freedom. We don't have to keep hiding, we don't have to keep explaining, we don't have to keep rewriting history. We can acknowledge it, repair it, repair what we can, learn from it, and move forward. And please remember making amends doesn't mean everyone will forgive us. It doesn't mean every relationship will be restored, and some of them shouldn't be. And it doesn't mean we have to keep unsafe or unhealthy people in our lives. No, you get to cut people out and things out too, if it's appropriate, and do it kindly. It simply means we become willing to take responsibility for our part, and that is enough. Next week we're moving into step 10. And step 10 is where the whole thing begins shifting from cleaning up our past to learning how to keep our lives cleaned up on a daily basis. Here's a little spoiler. Apparently, we're supposed to keep doing this stuff. I know I was a little disappointed too that we were done. Thank you for spending this time with me. If Unbottled helps you, please follow the show. Share it with somebody who might need it. Leave me a rating or a review. It really does help people find us. The more reviews I get, the better ratings I get. And again, I don't do this for the glory of a podcast. I do it to help somebody. And if I just help a one person, I'm grateful for that. But if we can help more, I'd love to do that too. I want you to remember recovery isn't about becoming perfect. It's about becoming honest, becoming responsible, and it's about becoming a little freer than we were yesterday. I am Marcy, I am an alcoholic, and this is Unbottled. Sobriety uncorked, unfiltered, and unapologetically real. Guess what? I'm going to see you next week for step 10.