Step 10 Recovery Maintenance

We talk about AA Step 10 as recovery maintenance that helps us stop creating new wreckage while we live sober day to day. We focus on awareness over perfection, including how to admit wrongs promptly without turning inventory into self-criticism. 

• Step 10 as daily housekeeping rather than a huge excavation 
• The truth that you can be sober and still be wrong 
• Owning our part without taking responsibility for someone else’s behavior 
• “Promptly” as the relationship-saving word 
• Clean apologies without “but” plus the need to change behavior 
• Treating self-talk like you would with a best friend 
• Noticing progress through positive inventory alongside mistakes 
• A simple nightly check-in that helps you let the day go 
• Catching yourself mid-reaction and starting over 
• Resentment as an early warning sign plus questions to interrupt it 
• Using Step 10 to clarify boundaries and stop people-pleasing 

For seven days, take five minutes at the end of the day. That's it. Five minutes. Ask yourself, what went well today? Where did I get off track? Do I owe anyone an apology? Is there something I need to address instead of avoiding? What am I grateful for? And finally, can I let today be finished? 

Transcript

Welcome And Step 10 Overview

SPEAKER_00 0:06

And welcome back to Unbottled. I am Marcy Backis and I am an alcoholic. And if you've been following along with me through this summer series, we have officially made it to step 10. Woo! And I have to tell you, I do really like step 10. Not because I'm particularly good at it. Let's just get that out of the way. But because step 10 feels like the point where recovery starts becoming less about looking backward and more about figuring out where you're going to live today. The first nine steps have asked us to do some pretty serious work. Don't you agree? Are you exhausted yet? Yeah, it's a lot of serious stuff. We admitted we had a problem. We started believing that maybe we didn't have to do this all by ourselves. We looked at ourselves. We talked about the things we weren't proud of. We became very willing to change. We made lists. We made amends. And now here we are. We arrive at step 10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Aha. This step isn't so deep. It's fairly straightforward, if you ask me. But if you're anything like me, you might hear that and think, oh good, more inventory. Because apparently one inventory wasn't enough. Well, it was for the moment. But step 10 is different. This isn't another giant excavation project. We're not digging and dragging out every resentment we've had since the third grade. This is maintenance. Maintenance is always easier than the big project. Just remember that. This is basically recovery housekeeping. This is noticing the mess while we sorry. This is noticing the mess while it is still a coffee cup on the counter instead of waiting until the whole kitchen looks like a crime scene. Just like maintenance that we do for anything. Doing your laundry is maintenance. Putting gas in your car. You do it right away when you notice you need it. You do lot, well, some of you may not do your laundry right away when you notice you need it. I do. But when you need gas, you put it in. These are the things. And that's what we're talking about today.

Recovery Housekeeping Not Deep Diving

SPEAKER_00 2:40

So, so I don't want you to tense up listening to this particular podcast. I know they can be a lot. I got them a little long. I'm I'm cutting back on them again. I know that our attention span is short. The last few felt a little too long for me. And I'm sorry if they were too long for you, but there was a lot to squeeze in there. This one I'm going to be a little more concise. It is not as deep. One of the things I love about the 12-step is that eventually they move from getting sober to living sober. And there is a difference. Getting sober is one thing. Living sober, living peacefully, honestly, responsibly, and without constantly blowing up your own life is another. And let me tell you, living sober is a great way to live. I've done it for 38 years. No regrets. None. None. I just don't have any about getting sober. I don't feel like I missed anything. I've been to weddings, funerals, parties, you name it. I've been to the lake, I've been to the beach, I've been around people drinking. Don't miss it. This too can happen for you. But let's focus on this step. Step 10 is one of the steps that helps us live sober.

You Can Be Sober And Wrong

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Because here's what nobody tells you. You can quit drinking and still be wrong. I know, very disappointing, right? You can do all that work and still be wrong. You can get sober and still be impatient. This is what I mean by wrong. You can get sober and still be impatient. You can still be selfish. You can still be defensive. You can still gossip. I work on that one daily. You can still get jealous. You can still say something you regret. Well, that happens. You can still decide somebody else is the problem before breakfast. Sobriety, sobriety does not magically turn us into saints. And thank God, because I would find sainthood exhausting. I prefer being human. The goal isn't perfection, the goal is awareness. Step 10 says pay attention to yourself and not everybody else. When you're pointing the finger at this is one of my favorite sayings. When you're pointing a finger at somebody, there's three pointing back at you. And that is a fact. There is, this is where step 10 gets annoying. Because when I'm upset, I am usually very clear about what you did. Again, that finger pointing at you. I'm ignoring those three pointing back at me. I can build a case, I can present evidence. What is that? Time screenshots, timeline screenshots, that whole I got witnesses. I could probably make a full-on PowerPoint without using AI. But, you know, step 10 comes along and says, All right, Marcy, what is your part in this? What are those three fingers pointing back at you saying? And I say, Excuse me? Me? I didn't do what they did. Did you not hear the presentation? It says to me. But that is the work. There are going to be times when somebody else really is wrong. Step 10 does not mean we take responsibility for other people's bad behavior. It does not mean becoming a doormat. It does not mean apologizing just to keep everybody happy. What it's telling you is did I behave the way I want to behave? We need to shift that focus to others. And as alcoholics, it's everybody else's fault but our own. And we really need to look at our side of the street, our piece of it, those three fingers that are pointing back at us are pointing at us for a reason. We do need to look at that and ask that question. We don't need to take responsibility for other people's bad behavior. But did I behave the way I wanted to behave? That, my friends, is a very different question. Maybe someone hurt me. All right. Did I respond honestly? Did I respond cruelly? Did I exaggerate? Or did I retaliate? Did I drag five other people into this whole mess? So what I'm saying is, someone could have hurt you and been totally in the wrong. But did you keep your side of the street clean or did you make it messy? Did I spend three days rehearsing imaginary arguments in the shower? Oh my God, I am so good at that though. Because that counts too. Step 10 asked me to worry less about winning and more about who I'm becoming. You're looking at yourself, people. Am I happy with my behavior? Am I the wrong one? Are they the wrong one? If they're the wrong one, did I behave appropriately? The answer is in the beginning is usually not.

Promptly Admitting It Saves Relationships

SPEAKER_00 8:22

There is one word in step 10 that deserves its very own spotlight. Promptly. It's a lovely word, isn't it? Promptly. Say it with me. Promptly. When we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Not next Thursday. Not after they apologize first. Not once we've gathered enough evidence proving that technically we were only 17% wrong. Promptly. That word is probably saved relationships. Because most little problems become big problems when we leave them sitting there. And you know that's a fact. You know any problem in the world, whether it's your car, whether it's your kitchen being dirty, every problem we have becomes bigger when we ignore it. You say something sarcastic. You knew it was unnecessary. And somewhere inside where you almost immediately there's that little voice. You should probably apologize. And another voice goes, let's wait. Because maybe they deserved it. It's kind of like the angel and the devil on the shoulders, right? The angel is, you should probably apologize. And that little devil goes, ah, hold on. There's a possible chance that that person deserved it. And then six hours later, you've written history. You've rewritten history, and now somehow you're the victim. Not good. That's what promptly means. Step 10 interrupts that process. It says, nope, you know what? You know what happened. Go clean it up. Did you hear me? Go clean it up. You know exactly what happened. You know your part in it. Fix it promptly. The magic of I was wrong. There is tremendous freedom in being able to say, I was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. I handled that badly. I was so defensive. I wasn't listening. I'm sorry. No speech, no courtroom, no defense, no 10-minute soliloquy on all the reason you behave badly. Because one of my favorites is I'm sorry, but if you watch The Housewives, that's a great housewife apology. I'm sorry, but now should be no but. That is not a real apology. I'm sorry, but you made me mad. Nope. I'm sorry, but you know how you are. I'm sorry, but if you hadn't filled the blank, no, that is an accusation wearing an apology costume. An accusation wearing apology costume. I've done my share. A step 10 apology can be beautifully simple. I was wrong, or I'm sorry, or how could I make that right? And then this part is important. Change the behavior. What did we talk about last week? Changing the behavior. An amends is no good if you don't change the behavior. Because if I apologize for the same thing every Tuesday for six years, eventually I may need a new strategy. No, we you need to stop that. This is that is not recovery, that's self-abuse. And we're all good at that.

Inventory Without Self Abuse

SPEAKER_00 12:05

So you need to be aware that none of these steps are about self-abuse. And for some of us, criticizing ourselves comes very naturally. I'll tell you what I try to tell myself. Doesn't always work, but I'm going to tell you anyways. Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your best friend. I want you to think long and hard on that one. Don't ever say anything to yourself in your head, out loud, however you criticize yourself. Don't do it unless you would say the same thing to your best friend. If you wouldn't say it to them, please don't say it to yourself. We don't need training. We could go professional and self-criticizing. Step 10 is about honest inventory. And honest inventory includes the good stuff too. Where did I show patience today? Where was I kind? Where did I pause instead of reacting? Where did I tell the truth? What it would have been easier not to. Where did I set a healthy boundary? Healthy boundaries are great, and we've talked about that. Where did I help somebody? Where did I handle something differently than the old me would have done it? So see, these are positive things. Recovery deserves to be noticed because if all we ever do is look for deficits, we miss the evidence that we're actually changing. And you are. You are changing from day one. Some of us extremely painfully slowly, but you're changing. And recognize and give yourself credit for that.

The Nightly Check In Questions

SPEAKER_00 13:49

I suggest a nightly check-in. Some people do step 10 throughout the day. Some do it at night, some do both. You don't have to make this complicated. Again, before bed, you may ask yourself a couple of questions. Was I resentful today? Was I dishonest? Was I afraid? Was I selfish? Do I owe anybody an apology? Is there something I'm avoiding? Did I do something today that I'm proud of? And then my favorite question. What can I let go of before I go to sleep? Because I don't know about you, but carrying yesterday into tomorrow is exhausting and it's not necessary. Sometimes the greatest gift of the tenth step is that it lets us put the day down. We look at it, we clean it up, we learn something, and we go to bed.

Catching Yourself Mid Reaction

SPEAKER_00 14:48

There is another way step 10 changes over time. Eventually you start catching yourself during the behavior. This is progress. Maybe you're halfway through saying something snippy and suddenly think, oh, look, I'm being an ass. I've done that. That's called spiritual growth, by the way. Maybe not elegant spiritual growth, but growth nonetheless. And sometimes you can even stop. I'm sorry, let me start again. That sentence is magic. If you catch yourself in the middle of something, look at somebody and go, you know what? I need to start this over again. And just start over again. You can explain it or not explain it. It's up to you, but start over and behave better. We don't have to keep driving down the wrong road just because we already missed the exit. Stop, correct, move on.

Resentment As An Early Warning

SPEAKER_00 15:48

Resentment, that big fat red flag. For alcoholics, resentment gets a lot of attention in AA, and there's a reason for that. Because resentment is like cancer, it grows. I've had cancer, I've had treatment. Just like that, a resentment can grow. It starts out very tiny. Someone says something, someone doesn't call, someone leaves us out, someone disappoints us, someone behaves differently than we think they should. And before long, we have written an entire story about their motives, personality, childhood, and probably their future. Step 10 lets us catch resentment early. Why am I upset? What am I afraid of? What expectation did I have? Have I talked directly to the person? Am I assuming something I don't actually know? Assumptions are the worst. It just killed me in the last couple days. I had a situation and I assumed a lot of things. Is there something here I need to accept? Again, that's this doesn't mean every resentment is imaginary. Sometimes people hurt us, but even then, we have choices about what we carry. I'm sorry, I got distracted. The Air and Water show is here in Chicago this weekend, and they weren't gonna practice, and all of a sudden they're practicing. And let me tell you, having these jets fly overhead is a little here it comes. Can you hear it? It's a little distracting. They said they weren't gonna practice, and now here they are practicing. All right. Again, this doesn't mean every resentment is imaginary. People can hurt us. But even then, we have choices about what we carry.

Boundaries Without Taking All Blame

SPEAKER_00 17:46

Step 10 and boundaries. This is important too. Sometimes people think recovery means apologizing for everything and tolerating everybody. Uh-uh. No, it doesn't. Step 10 can actually make boundaries clearer. Maybe my inventory shows me. I kept saying yes when I meant no. I kept avoiding difficult conversations. I kept letting resentment build because I'm afraid to speak up. My part may not be what that I was mean. My part may have been that I was honest. A healthy step 10 might sound like I should have told you sooner. That wasn't working for me. So if something's happening and it's not working for you, and you're letting and you're getting angrier and angrier, that's a great way to say I should have told you sooner that it wasn't working for me. I realize I or here's something, I realize I agreed to something I didn't want to do, and then I became resentful. That wasn't fair to either of us. That is taking responsibility without taking all the blame. There is a difference. All right. Recovery in real time. This is where step 10 becomes incredibly practical. The first steps taught us how to clean up the past. Step 10 teaches us how to stop creating quite so much new wreckage. And believe me, that is convenient because making amends is wonderful. But eventually you realize you know what would have been better? Having a few amends to make. That's the dream, right? Not zero. We're human, but fewer, smaller, faster. Instead of letting something sit for six months, maybe we address it in six minutes. That's a very different life. Step 10 has taught me about staying teachable. It means I can be sober a very long time and still learn something about myself. And that is a fact. 38 years, people still learning. But it's not painful. I'm still learning, but I don't want you to think, oh my God, 38 years. And no, we're always growing, hopefully. Makes us better people. I can still catch myself reacting instead of responding. I can still apologize. I can still change. And I can do all of that without deciding that I'm a terrible person. Sometimes I'm simply a person who had a terrible moment. There is a difference. And recovery gives us permission to correct course over and over again.

Seven Day Practice And Step 11 Tease

SPEAKER_00 20:23

Here's a little practice. So here is your challenge for this week. For seven days, take five minutes at the end of the day. That's it. Five minutes. Ask yourself, what went well today? Where did I get off track? Do I owe anyone an apology? Is there something I need to address instead of avoiding? What am I grateful for? And finally, can I let today be finished? Write it down if it helps. Think about it while brushing your teeth. Talk it over with your sponsor. Do whatever works for you, but practice paying attention because awareness changes things. Alrighty then. Step 10 is not about becoming perfect. It's about staying current. It's keeping your emotional books balanced. It's cleaning up your side of the street. It's saying, yep, that one was mine. Well, turning it into a character without turning it into a character assassination of yourself. And maybe most importantly, it's recognizing that recovery is not something we finished back at step nine. Recovery is something we practice today, tomorrow, and the day after that. One conversation, one decision, one apology, one pause, and you know what I'm gonna say one day at a time. Next time we're moving into step 11, where we start talking about prayer, meditation, consciousness, contact with a higher power. And yes, we are going to talk about what that can mean, even if the whole God thing makes you uncomfortable. Do you got that? Because you know me, we are not skipping the uncomfortable parts. Thank you for spending this time with me. I am Marcy. I am an alcoholic, and this is Unbottled. Take care of yourself, keep your side of the street clean, and I'll talk to you next time.