why is body image still so hard in recovery — what actually helps | recovered-ish with chloe cox

Honest confession: my body image has been pretty rough lately. And yes, I know — I'm a recovered eating disorder therapist who just last week talked about how quiet my ED voice has gotten. So what gives?

In this episode I'm getting real about what bad body image actually looks like for me now, 11 years into recovery. How it's different from the eating disorder voice. What body dysmorphia really feels like from the inside. And the specific things that actually help me move through it — not the textbook DBT stuff, just what genuinely works for me right now.

This one is honest, a little messy, and I think a lot of you are going to relate.

This Episode Is Brought to You By Cozy Earth

Bad body image weeks call for a soft place to land at the end of the day. Cozy Earth makes the softest, most comfortable pajamas and the absolute coziest bedding — and comfort is something I don't compromise on anymore. Visit CozyEarth.com and use code RECOVERY for up to 20% off.

In This Episode:

• Why you can have a quiet ED voice and still have terrible body image — and how those are actually different things
• What body dysmorphia really is and how it shows up as a sensory experience, not just negative thoughts
• Why bad body image days are often a signal that something else is off in your life
• The wardrobe disaster phenomenon and what it actually has to do with body image
• Why body neutrality is more accessible than body positivity — and what it actually looks like in practice
• What I do instead of white-knuckling through a bad body image week
• Why clothing and personal style have genuinely been a game changer for my body image
• Somatic tools that help when you want to completely dissociate from your body
• How to talk about body image struggles in a way that actually helps you process them
• Why showing your body care — even when you don't love it — is what actually heals the relationship

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro 1:00 Life update — a weird season, turning 31, and learning to meet my own needs 5:30 This week's topic: my body image has been rough lately 6:00 How body image and the ED voice are actually different things 8:30 What body dysmorphia really feels like from the inside 12:00 The wardrobe disaster and what it signals 15:00 The sensory experience of body dysmorphia 18:30 Social media, idealized bodies, and wanting to dissociate 20:30 Body neutrality vs body positivity — and why neutrality is more accessible 23:00 Riding the wave vs actually doing something about it 25:30 Feelings change — they always have a beginning, middle, and end 26:30 What actually helps me: clothes, comfort, and personal style 29:30 Nuuly subscription — and why it's been a game changer especially for variable sizing in recovery 33:00 Zooming out: bad body image as a signal, not a fact 35:30 Somatic tools for when you want to crawl out of your skin 38:30 Orienting exercise — how to arrive back in your body 39:30 Body patting and butterfly taps 40:30 Talking about it — but in a specific way 43:00 Showing your body care even when you don't love it 45:00 Closing thoughts

Practical Tools Mentioned:

• Zoom out: when body image is off, look at what else is going on in your life — it's usually a signal, not the whole story
• Orienting exercise: find the farthest point you can see, then the closest, then no

Resources + Connect with Me:

• Instagram: @recoverwithchloe
• Recovery Skills Training: use code PODCAST for $57 off!
• Leave a 5-star review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
• Subscribe on YouTube! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Even if I don't fully believe it right now, I'm going to show you, body, that you deserve care. Doesn't matter how you look, you deserve care. And the more that I practice that, the more that I do start to believe it, and the more that I actually feel better. I'm not going around my house saying, I think I look gross. I gained however many pounds overnight. I want to hide under the bed so no one can ever see me again. Like that's what I'm thinking. But it's not what I'm going around the house saying. Frankly, my body image has been trash. Like totally trash. And you may be surprised to hear this. You're listening to the Recovered-Isch podcast. I'm your host, Chloe Cox. And yeah, I know a thing or two about eating disorder recovery. Between my own very complicated history with disordered eating and the work I do now, I've seen this thing from pretty much every angle. This podcast is where we talk about the messier parts of recovery that don't really make it online. No platitudes, no inspirational quotes, just the real, raw, sometimes frustrating, sometimes surprisingly liberating process of building a life beyond your eating disorder. Let's get into it. Hello and welcome back once again. This is the Recovered Ish Podcast. I am Chloe Cox. Thank you so much for being here. Where to even begin this week? You all know it has been kind of a weird season in my life. Cryptically, it has been a weird season. You all know, you know, my son has been sick. This week my husband got sick. So I've been once again doing the like mom business owner juggling dance that's been so stressful, uh, to be quite frank with you. But you know what? It's also forced me to do a lot of soul searching, if you will. I am turning 31 next month, May 4th. Everyone's gonna say May the 4th be with you. I I don't love that because I've never even seen Star Wars. But anyways, I digress. But yeah, I'm turning 31 next month, and I'm completing the first year of my 30s. And you know, a lot is great and a lot is challenging. And I think one thing I can say for sure is I know myself better today than I ever have. And so in these seasons where life is a little bit more chaotic, a little bit more challenging, I guess what I'm learning even more clearly is how to take care of myself and how to actually meet my own needs. That is something I maybe haven't been the best at in my life. And maybe you all can relate. Certainly, if you are someone that's recovering from an eating disorder, meeting your needs that is a challenge. At least in one respect, I can variably assume that that is a challenge. Meeting your needs on a nourishment basis is a challenge when you're in recovery. And sometimes that generalizes to other areas of your life. And for me, you know, now that I am, I'm very solidly, solidly in recovery at this point in my life, meeting my nourishment needs isn't so much of a problem. I do that kind of on robot mode at this point. I can be pretty intuitive about it. But rest, that's something that sort of falls by the wayside. I kind of just go, go, go and then crash. My sleep is all over the place. I'm just not a good sleeper. I don't know if any of you can relate to that. I have a lot of thoughts in my brain. And so whenever I lay down to sleep, it's like, oh, remember that thing that you've been putting off doing for like two months? Yeah, you should do that. It's like due tomorrow. Or do you really want to be doing this with your life? Maybe you should have been a lawyer. I just like the things that you don't need to be thinking about. That's what comes to my mind when I'm lying down to sleep. So I'm realizing how important sleep is. I'm realizing how important it is to have other things going on than just being a mom and running my business and showing up for my clients, which of course I really prioritize. I really prioritize that because I'm passionate about it and I really love doing it. And it also is what supports my family. But I can't only be those things. And I've been having an interesting time, I guess, trying to figure out what do I actually like to do at this point in my life? What does it mean to relax? And that doesn't mean just crashing out on the couch after the workday and watching Love Island. I mean, it can mean that, and it certainly does, but it can't just be that. I think I need to find more ways to fulfill myself spiritually and fulfill myself creatively. One thing that has actually really helped has been this podcast. Granted, it is a part of my work, but I feel like I'm getting back into a creative flow. I really love making things and exploring ideas. And so that's been really nice. And I guess I have you to think that it's actually something that people care about and listen to. So thank you. Anyways, all that being said, it's been a weird phase. I'm almost 31. I'm grateful for where I am in my life. And also, I think I have a lot of growing to do. And I feel like this decade is going to be one where I fully come into my own, where I expand my life in ways that actually fit instead of trying to fit myself into an idea or an ideal of what my life should look like. And instead, I turn to myself and let that guide what I need my life to be. Hopefully that makes some sort of sense. But that does lead to our topic today, which really comes from a place of just being honest with all of you about where I currently am in this moment, this week, and I guess intermittently throughout this month, this has been a thing. Frankly, my body image has been trash, like totally trash. And you may be surprised to hear this because just last week I did an entire episode about the eating disorder voice and whether that's something that really sticks around. And I said quite clearly, no, my eating disorder voice is nothing, nothing like it used to be. That version of the eating disorder voice is so very gone from my life. Yes, I have disordered thoughts at times, but the eating disorder voice is gone. It no longer influences me in the same way that it once did. So you might be like, how do you not have an eating disorder voice, but your body image is also in the toilet? And this is how I can kind of explain the nuance, I suppose. The eating disorder voice for me has been something that is quite directive, critical, abusive, but directive, where it will say, you look awful, or you've gained X amount of weight, or you look, I mean, let me just be real about how the thoughts sound. And I hope that this feels relatable. Like my brain will tell me I look disgusting. And the eating disorder will use that observation and use that criticism, the warped observation, albeit, and turn it into anxiety, panic that you have to do something about to get rid of it. It's like you can't tolerate sitting in that feeling of I look disgusting without acting on a behavior. And that's where the eating disorder voice lived for me and how it interacted with my body image. But I do see body image as kind of a separate concept. Body image and self-perception is highly subjective and it's influenced by a lot more than how we actually look. My brain's response to that self-perception and my emotional response to that self-perception is something that I believe my eating disorder voice took advantage of and turned into a disorder. That's where I see the separation. Body image starts with a lens that we see ourselves through, but the eating disorder voice takes it a step further where it uses that and it manipulates our emotions so that we take action on, or at least it tells us to take action on something that would be harmful for us. It assumes that the body image observation is fact. And even if it doesn't assume that, the feeling is extremely real and highly challenging to tolerate. So in that space, the eating disorder voice swoops in and gets strengthened. So I stand by my statement. My eating disorder voice is definitely not what it once was, but or should I say, and it's still true that body image is not always stellar. And unfortunately, that's where I find myself this week. I think several factors are at play, and we can unpack that a little bit more too. But when I have a bad body image day, it's very much a sensory experience. It's I think back in the day I would spend a lot of time body checking and analyzing myself in the mirror and feeling the way my clothes fit, and you know, all those little almost like ticks that we do to check and make sure that our body is still the way that it's supposed to be. That was really prevalent when I was in my eating disorder and sometimes in recovery as well. I don't do that anymore, the body checking. And I think that that is, you know, a really important thing to get a handle on because it feeds body image issues so much when we body check and our body is not the way that our brain deems acceptable. Boom, it feels like fact. And then it so quickly jumps to your body is wrong and you've got to do something about it. And it's just like a spiral of negative emotion. The best way I can describe my current bad body image day is like waking up in a bit of a fog. It'll come out of nowhere, or seemingly it will come out of nowhere, where I'll just wake up one day and feel like my clothes don't fit right. I hate everything in my closet. That's usually the first sign, is I'm like, I have nothing to wear, I hate everything in my closet. I have plenty of clothes that I don't hate. I know that I don't hate them, but that's usually the first sign. And when I can't find something to wear that I feel good in, it so quickly becomes I need to put on a paper bag and walk out this door. Like I can't, I cannot engage with the trying on of everything. I used to call these, and I would have these in high school too, where I felt like I was trying on every single thing that I owned and nothing looked right. And I would call it a wardrobe disaster. And it kind of was because by the end of it, my entire room, like the floor would just be covered with all the clothes from my closet, and it would be like I had to be at school in 10 minutes, and I was still trying to figure out what to wear. Uh, it was bad. I usually would end up just borrowing something from my sister at that point, and you know, whether she liked it or not, we had a rule about how long we could own something before our sister was allowed to borrow it. So I tried to live by that. But this sort of wardrobe disaster situation really sets off my body image. And practically one way that I can avoid it is making sure that like my laundry is done. And if my laundry is done and most of my clothes are clean, I can usually find something to wear and I sort of curb this issue. I'm super lucky that my husband tends to do my laundry. I hate the laundry. However, this week he's sick, so he hasn't done the laundry, and I haven't done the laundry because I've been very busy. And what do you know? Every single morning has been a wardrobe disaster where I do not know what to wear. I hate all of my clothes, it's just felt like terrible. And when I'm in a regulated space, I can pause in those moments now and see this is not my body's problem. This is literally a laundry issue at this point in my life, at this point in my recovery. And I can go, all right, I'm not gonna be satisfied 100% with my outfit today, and I can live through that. I can live to see another day. This week, that's not been the case. This week, I feel like when I haven't been able to find an outfit that I'm comfortable in, my brain tells me if your body was different, you could wear anything. And you know what? I actually don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's exactly what my brain says. More so it's just a feeling of I'm not comfortable in my clothes from a sensory point of view or a sensory perspective. And so then I start to feel like I'm not comfortable in my body from a sensory perspective. And this is where body dysmorphia becomes a real reality warping experience, if you will. Some people think that body dysmorphia is having bad body image, like looking at yourself in the mirror, feeling like I don't love my body today, or I really can't stand the way that I look. Body dysmorphia is actually a psychological phenomenon where you perceive, truly perceive, like you see and feel a different body than the one that you are living in. Some people have body dysmorphia that's fixated on certain traits. Other people, and I think this is quite prominent if you've struggled with an eating disorder, you feel it as far as like weight, shape, and size. And that's the way that mind functions, and it's very much a sensory thing. I feel physically that my body has changed, even if it has not. Now, body change isn't wrong or bad. Our bodies change across a lifetime. They're supposed to. It's important that they do. We're humans, we're dynamic, we are meant to change. But it feels like it happens overnight. So I'll wake up, maybe I'll have a wardrobe disaster, and then whoa, I feel like my body is physically different than it was even five minutes ago. And that's really kind of scary. Uh body dysmorphia is also this sense of I don't know what I look like, where you think you look one way, but you're not sure. And then you think you might look another way, but other people are telling you that you don't look that way. And it's like, I actually have no idea, I have no clue what I look like. I think for a lot of us, that's why we get so attached to the scale because it feels concrete. It feels like, okay, I do know. Even if I look in the mirror and I see something or I feel like I'm a different size, at least I know the number, and that feels certain. So much of eating disorders comes from a place of needing certainty and certainty indicating security. And I think that's why, because body image is such a subjective experience of ourselves, when we don't feel good in our bodies, it can drive the most warped interpretation of how we look from a sensory perspective, and actually like perceiving in the mirror a different body than the one that you're in. Sitting with that discomfort when you're in such a bad negative body image space is so hard, and it can have you reaching for certainty so fast. So for me this week, I have truly felt like I can't get comfortable in my skin. Like when I'm sitting down, it's almost like I'm sitting in the suit of a body that doesn't feel familiar to me. And I don't know if that makes me sound cuckoo, but maybe some of you understand. I that's the somatic experience of body dysmorphia, the way that I live through it. It's felt like the way that my clothes feel on my body has been really overstimulating in a way. If you're watching me on video, you can kind of see I'm like squirming a little bit in my body too. Like I can't get comfy in my chair today because I don't feel comfy in my skin. And it's just hard. It's just hard. And you know what doesn't help is uh getting online. And once again, as somebody that creates content, I am sitting here telling you to delete Instagram in bad body image moments because I'll be sitting here feeling bad in my body, not necessarily having critical thoughts, just like my body just doesn't feel right, it feels wrong. And then I'll get on Instagram and I'll be scrolling and I'll be seeing just like every beautiful girl that ever was in the body trend of today, and I'll think, no wonder I feel uncomfortable in my body, like my body is wrong compared to that person's. My body should be different. And all it makes me want to do is dissociate completely from myself. Just I wish I could exist from the chin up in my brain and not even have a body. And you know what's interesting is I've had so many clients tell me, I just wish I didn't have a body. I wish I didn't have one so that I didn't have to think about it so much. I've had a client say to me that she wishes that she was just like a floating orb of consciousness that doesn't have a body but could still live a human existence. And I was like, you know what? That sounds rad. That sounds really rad. And that's kind of how I feel when I go through these weird body image phases where it's like, I just don't want to encounter myself. And it gets hard when, like, hi, I need to take a shower. Like, I need to take a shower. So I'm going to have to encounter myself. I'm going to have to put soap on my body, I'm going to have to walk by the bathroom mirror on the way to the shower and see what my body looks like. And I don't want to in these spaces. Uh, I don't want to. And then, like, I don't want to be crusty and dusty, so I'm gonna put lotion on. And I don't want to touch my body to be so vulnerable with you all. I don't want to see it. Even like doing my skincare in the morning or putting my makeup on. It's like, I just don't feel like engaging with my cheeks today. I don't feel like it. I wish that I didn't have to. Um I posted a couple of days ago now on Instagram basically a reel about how I unintentionally started a career that made me engage in daily exposure therapy for body image. And by that I mean I'm doing something like this, where you know, you all might be listening to it on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, but I also post a video version of this podcast on YouTube. And that's what I edit when I edit even the audio. So I'm like sitting here watching myself, watching my face and watching my body in the video. And it's usually fine because I've done this so many times now, but I anticipate editing this video is not gonna be super fun for me this week, uh, which is fine. I can get through it, but it's like, whoa, okay, I have to encounter myself so many times, so many times, and even in posting on Instagram, like so much of that is my face and my body, and it's cool, it's all good. Usually it's fine, but then weeks like this hit, and I'm like, I just don't want to see you. As much as I as much as I love me, I don't want to see me all the time. Okay, before we continue, I want to talk about our sponsor, Cozy Earth. And I actually really mean it when I say this one feels aligned with everything we talk about on this show. You guys know how much I believe that recovery shows up in the small stuff, the tiny daily choices that are really just acts of kindness towards yourself. And one of mine lately has been what I'm putting my body in at the end of the day. I've been wearing Cozy Earth's bamboo stretch knit pajama set, and they feel like I'm wearing nothing. Genuinely so light, so cooling, and the waistband doesn't dig in or squeeze at all. They just exist on your body. I put them on and I'm like, oh yeah, this is what comfortable is supposed to feel like. I also have their bamboo sheets made from viscos from bamboo, and they actually regulate your temperature while you sleep. So no more waking up hot and sweaty at 2 a.m., just real rest. If you're someone who's learning to be a little bit gentler with yourself and like, hello, that's exactly what we do on this show. This is such an easy place to start. Seriously. There's a 100 night sleep trial, completely risk-free, and a 10-year warranty. Head to cozyearth.com and use my code Recovery for up to 20% off. If you get a post purchase survey, let them know you heard about it here. Because home isn't just where you live, it's how you feel. Comfort lives here, cozy earth. So it really just creates this I wish I had a break from you vibe. Which is weird because there are other weeks where I really. Am feeling myself where I really am feeling good about how I look and feeling confident in how I look. I talk a lot about body neutrality and feeling like, you know, the body's irrelevant to your happiness. And that is something I truly believe that you can get to a point, and it's actually the most accessible point of like a body relationship, moving from one that's a really challenging, hard body relationship to one that's less challenging and hard. If we shoot for body positivity, that's usually going to be so out of reach from the place that we're starting that it feels kind of silly and sad. But body neutrality feels really functional. This idea that I don't have to love my body to live a happy life. My body is just the vehicle through which I live my life. And it's not even a sense of like I'm grateful that I have legs that I can walk around in, which I am, and that's a privilege. But it doesn't even require that of you. Because I think some of like body gratitude can also be quite ableist. Not everybody's bodies can do all of those things. And sometimes people aren't super grateful for their bodies because they struggle with chronic illness. And that is a whole other can of worms. But body neutrality allows you to have body image days that are rough and still realize okay, this is hard, and I can still do what I need to do and be happy. I can still focus on other things. I actually don't need to love you, body, to be okay. I don't need to love you to live a joyful life. And so normally, most days, that's where I land. But there is the odd day where I'm like loving my outfit. I feel really great, my hair is falling just right. And I'm like, hey, you are not bad looking. I kind of like you, body. Those are great days, wonderful days. They happen sometimes, they do, which is cool to be at that point. I didn't think I would ever really get to that point. So it can be odd to go from that to I don't want to engage with you, body. I don't want to see you. I wish that you weren't around. I'm uncomfortable sitting in you right now. I I wish we could amicably separate. It's such a whiplash because sometimes those days happen right in succession where you'll feel really good about your body, and then the next day you wake up and it's like this body? No, no, no, no. So I suppose that gives you a bit of a picture of what my difficult body image moments look like and feel like at least 11 years into recovery. They used to be much more disastrous, where it would derail my food and it would send me spiraling back into compulsive exercise, and it would just set me up in really destructive ways. Now it's kind of just like, ugh, this again. Ugh, how do I get through this? I don't want to sit in this. I wish I didn't have to deal with this. I think most people on the planet right now can identify with having bad body image days. Even if you haven't had an eating disorder, you don't always feel your best in your body, which is not fun, but it's it's it's an occasional occurrence, particularly as I mentioned, the the exposure we have to social media and idealized bodies and the trends. It's just like a crazy world right now with pressure to look a certain way. But I think if you've struggled with body dysmorphia and an eating disorder, even if you are in recovery, body image can hit you like a big slap in the face out of nowhere, and it puts a damper on things. To say the least, it puts a damper on things. However, I I think I used to just think, all right, I'm gonna ride this wave. This sucks. This is a temporary thing, it's gonna pass, I'm gonna ride it. And that is true. It always passes. I don't stay in a bad body image space for an excessively long time anymore. This period has lasted for maybe a week at this point. And I'm hoping it'll start to lift soon. But I used to just kind of white knuckle it and think, like, all right, this sucks. Uh, I can't do anything about it, and I won't do anything about it. As in this is not an opportunity for the eating disorder to take a hold of me again. But I would just think, all right, I would urge surf it in a way, just knowing like this is gonna rise, it's gonna be bad, it's gonna hurt, and it's gonna go away. That I think is still helpful because any emotion, it has a beginning, it has a middle, it has an end. Emotions change. I don't know if any of you with kids watch Miss Rachel, but my son loves Miss Rachel, and on one of her Netflix specials, she talks about sadness and big feelings and all of that. And she says something to the effect of it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to feel the way that you feel, and you might need a hug when you feel this way. But feelings change. Feelings always change, and too true, Miss Rachel. They do, they always change. You will not be in a state of perpetual sadness that is one note, one level forever. There is nuance in that sadness, and feelings do change. There's a beginning, a middle, and an end. We can watch it change. If you get really good at mindfulness and observing your own emotional state, you can watch the different flavors of an emotion. And usually there's a turning point. And I find that it's the same at this stage for me with body image. But there are other things that you can do to help when you're having a bad body image day or week or season. And I'll say for myself, the things that help me now are not the most conventional things, not necessarily the things you would have heard about in treatment or like I'm not going to prescribe DBT skills to you here, but I just want to share what actually truly, really, really, really does help me when I feel this way. And kind of just overall for maintenance in my body image. The biggest thing that has made the difference for me has actually been liking my clothes and feeling like I have a personal style at this point in my life. When I was in my early recovery, I threw away a lot of my clothes that I had worn when I was in my eating disorder. I like ripped them up and I didn't throw them away. You know, some of them that I did rip up, I unfortunately did have to toss, but donated, etc., got rid of my clothes because there was such a strong emotional tie to them, both with memories of bad moments I'd had in my disorder and also, you know, using them for body checks. So I got rid of a lot of my clothes and I went through a period of shopping a lot. I had just come off of my first like real adult job when I went to treatment, and I had some money in the bank, and I was young and I was silly, and I would end PHP for the day, and then me and my friends would go, I went to treatment in LA, and then we would go out shopping on Santa Monica, and I would just buy a bunch of clothes. And part of it was like exposure therapy of me actually having to buy things and understand my size and get used to that. And that part of it was hard, but a lot of it was just kind of fun. And when I felt good about what I was wearing then, I didn't think so much about my body because I felt like, okay, this is cute. Even if I don't feel good in my body, I look cute. I can still look cute, even if my body isn't my fave. And I remember that was really helpful for me. As detrimental as it was for my bank account, it was helpful for me at that stage. And then I went through a period of time where I just didn't care so much about clothes, and that lasted for a while, probably until recently, like in the last year, I was very much a beige person where I would wear a lot of beige and tan and black and white neutrals, which is fine and cool. And I didn't think much of it at the time. I just didn't want to think very much about clothes, and I didn't want to think very much about my body when I was getting dressed. So I thought that that was a route that was helpful for me. Turns out it actually wasn't that helpful for me because I felt neutral about my wardrobe. I didn't feel good about it. And oddly enough, the more that I posted on Instagram and the more I got into my content creation, I found myself wanting to wear more color. And that was different than before. I was kind of afraid of color in the last five, 10 years of my life. I really just wore a lot of neutrals. And I realized I kind of hated everything in my closet at that point. So I got a clothing rental subscription, and this is not sponsored, but I use Newly and absolutely love them. Newly, if you're out there, if you're listening, I love you. Sponsor me. I would love to work with you. Send this to Newly. Anyone listening, I want to be sponsored by them. I think I do have an affiliate link, so I might link that in the description. But I got a Newly subscription, and I think they don't understand that there's an untapped market for people in eating disorder recovery that have variable sizing. What this allowed me to do was experiment with getting different types of clothes, different styles, different colors that I wasn't used to wearing and actually seeing what I liked. And then if I like a piece, I buy it and it stays in my closet. And that's been so fun. But also it's been great for my body image because every month I feel really excited about new clothes that are being shipped to my door that I can style and see if I like and try out something new and put together cute outfits. And if I feel good about an outfit at this point in my life, I feel good about my body. The other part of it, newly take note. I'm giving you a free promotion. If you're in early recovery and you're in a space where your body is changing and your size might be changing, but you don't want to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe just yet because you don't know where your set point weight is going to be long term. This is the perfect solution, seriously, because you can rent clothes for a month, send them back, get a different size the next month if you need it. And all the while, feel really good about what you're wearing because they're the clothes are super freaking cute. So, anyways, just wanted to turn you on to that resource because I do think it has been a game changer for me and my personal style, but also me and my body image. But the other thing is the clothes that I wear now, not only do I prioritize style, but comfort. I pretty much only wear clothes and I only buy clothes that I know feel comfortable on my body. And that means clothes that aren't tugging at my waist and clothes that aren't like wrapping tight around my legs. For me, in my body image struggle, my legs have been something that my mind tends to fixate on. And so if I feel anything wrapping tightly around my legs, my brain latches onto that sensation and won't let go of it. So finding there's one particular pant that I think either free people or anthropology makes that's listed on newly, and I've gotten it in so many colors at this point. I should just make you all a shopping list of my body image approved pants because I'm living in them. They feel like pajamas and they're also really cute and like kind of bohemian looking. I'm wearing a pair of them today, everyone that is on video, because they have this really wide elastic waistband, and you can wear it low rise, you can wear a high rise. But just feeling like my clothes are weightless on me has been really, really helpful. And then also just being able to go to my closet and feel like I have a selection of things that I know I feel good in and I don't have to think about it is everything. Anything I can do to avoid a wardrobe disaster where I'm trying on everything in my closet and then it becomes this problem I have with my body, that comes in clutch. So whether it's newly or not, having a rental subscription to close, at least for a little while, has been everything to me. It's been so helpful. The other part of body image for me, and this might be a thing for you too, I encourage you to zoom out when you're having a bad body image moment and look at what's going on around you. What else is happening in your life? Because body image is highly influenced on mood and it's highly influenced by stress levels. Usually, when I have a difficult body image period of time, there's something else happening. There's something else going on. So I zoom out and I look at what else is happening in my life right now that could be impacting why I feel bad. Because the way my brain works is if something is wrong in my life, it's so kind, my brain. It doesn't alert me to that thing that's wrong. Usually it alerts me to your body is wrong. And that's not true. It's usually something else, but I have to do a little digging. So now I kind of look at this as when my body image is off, it might be an alarm or a signal that there's something else in my life that is off. In this period of time, I think it's that I'm really freaking burnt out. That's what I think it is. Is I haven't been feeling well, I haven't been getting enough sleep. Work has been really nonstop in the best way, really amazing things, but I haven't been taking care of myself well enough to sustain that level of productivity. And that's what's actually happening. My body's not wrong, but it doesn't feel right because I'm not taking care of myself. That's what my bad body image is actually about. It's just hard when it gets translated so directly to a sensory experience of me not loving my body. But that's the kind of real talk I'd encourage you to have with yourself. Okay, let's hold the fact that your body image is trash right now. That's true. Let's validate it. It doesn't feel good. And also, what else could be going on? Look at other factors, look at the way that you feel beyond this, and maybe even unpack the emotions that it's bringing up. When I have negative body image, I feel emotionally kind of hopeless. I feel sad, I feel heavy, and not just physically heavy, but emotionally heavy. And that tends to give me a hint too. While my brain can attach it to, well, you feel all of these things because your body isn't right. There's also usually another explanation for all of those feelings that are coming up. And that's probably the more true explanation. It's just getting filtered through this lens of body dysmorphia that has lived in my brain for so long. So have some real talk with yourself. Do a little digging. And if it's hard to let go of the idea that your body is wrong, can you at least add, and these other things could be impacting it? And this is probably not the only thing happening in my inner world. When I'm in a really bad moment where it's all that I can think about, or I just feel all consumed by this ickiness, I tend to turn to somatic tools because body image is so sensory for me. So things that bring me into my body in an aligned way when all I want to do is dissociate from it. So one of those things is really arriving in my space wherever I am. What that looks like for me is orienting outwards. This is so easy to do wherever you are. You could even do it right now. If I'm looking at a window, which I am currently, I try to see the farest point that I can see. And right now that's a mountain or a hill, I guess, way off in the distance. I look at that, I notice the light coming into my eyes, and then I focus on something that's very close to me, the closest thing I can see. And right now it's my nails. I'm just looking at my nails, I'm noticing that they're yellow, I'm noticing uh that I probably could use a manicure in like a week just here in my body. This is what's in front of me. And then I find the space. I think about where am I sitting? How does it feel to be sitting on this seat? The seat is kind of soft and velvety. Um I look around and I see what's to each side of me. I see what's above me, I see what's below me. I take in the temperature. How does the air feel on my skin? I take in the sound, I can hear just outside my door is my sound machine, so people can't hear me speaking to clients. I can hear cars driving by in the distance. I just really arrive. And then if I have a beverage or a snack around, I've got my water here. I take a sip of water, I feel internally the coolness of the water going down my throat. And now I'm here. I'm in this room, I'm in this space, I am in my body, but I'm not in the distress of my body. I'm actually just present. So that's a really quick tool that you can use systematically to just arrive back to your body in a way that feels within your control and doesn't feel so disturbing and alienating. That's how I tend to feel when my body image is off. Another really simple somatic tool is just patting the body, patting with a T. And that might be just like using your the palm of your hand and patting your legs up and down, or butterfly taps one arm over the other and breathing all the while, shaking out your shoulders, tapping your eyebrows. I just try to return to myself in a way that's regulating and less about observing my shape or my size or my form and more about feeling centered. So many other little tips and tools that I could give you. If any of you are interested in learning more schatic tools and skills, I could totally do a whole podcast on that, or I could even run a one-time workshop for anyone that's interested. I the other thing that I think is really important is to talk about it, but in a really particular way. So I'm not going around my house saying, I think I look gross, I gained however many pounds overnight, I want to hide under the bed so no one can ever see me again. Like that's what I'm thinking, but it's not what I'm going around the house saying. First of all, I don't want my son to hear me say that. And also, my own brain doesn't need to hear me say that out loud. Neither does my husband. I try to speak to the emotion around it, and I talk to somebody I trust. So that could be a therapist, that could be a friend. Uh for me, it's usually my husband. He's kind of my best friend and always around and a great listener. And so I'll say things to him like, I feel off in my body today. I feel this really sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel unsettled, and it just all feels wrong. He is a great listener, so he asks me probing questions like, what is that telling you about what you need? And what can I do for you? Can I give you a hug? And sometimes he just listens, and that's all I really need. But I need to give words to it. I need to speak to the feeling instead of just keeping it all bottled up inside of me. That doesn't tend to end well. That's where if you keep it all bottled up inside, it's gonna come out in another way. And usually in the past for me, that was my eating disorder. And if you don't have someone that can listen to you without giving you ideas to fix yourself or fix the feeling, that's super hard. And in that case, I would say let them know, like, I just need to say this. I don't need you to say anything. But I feel like today is really hard. I'm struggling with my body. I'm struggling to feel okay in my body. I feel really unsettled. I feel icky, frankly. And I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. It makes me feel really sad. It makes me feel really hopeless. It makes me feel like I'm failing, like I'm doing something wrong. And then just breathe a sigh. Ah, like you've let it out. It's out, it's in the air. You're not holding on to it alone anymore. And talking about it in that way actually helps you process the emotions behind it rather than just piling on and adding to the critical voice, it helps you weed through the critical voice to get to the actual substance of the feeling underneath it. And that's where the gold is in moving through this more quickly. The last thing that I do that really does help might seem counterintuitive. So when you're in a space of body image really feeling awful, kind of the last thing you want to do is engage with your body. It probably feels really wrong to, as I said earlier, like I don't even want to put lotion on. Like, I don't even want to engage with myself. But what I do Is try to do the opposite of what my brain wants me to do and actually show my body that I still care about it, even if I don't love the way that it looks right now. And that is hard. It was not always easy for me to do this. But that is actually what heals your relationship with your body is understanding that even if you don't love how it looks, you can still care for it, you can still show up for it. And it will start showing up for you too. You will start to feel safer in your body if you show it that care. So what this means is I'm still eating, I'm still having my meals and my snacks. This also means I might do something like, okay, I'm booking a massage, I'm splurging. This might mean tonight I am going to sleep early. Or it might mean I'm gonna go and buy a little sheet mask and do a like self-care skincare routine tonight. That might feel hard to engage with your body in those ways, but it's a little act of even if I don't fully believe it right now, I'm going to show you, body, that you deserve care. Doesn't matter how you look, you deserve care. And the more that I practice that, the more that I do start to believe it, and the more that I actually feel better. So even if it's something small, like dishing up your usual dinner, but saying to yourself in that moment, I don't love this feeling, and I'm still going to nourish my body, add the intention on top of it. Even if you can't do anything different than you normally do, add that layer of intention and communication with yourself and your body. And it really does make a difference. Sometimes not right away, but over time, that makes such a difference. And you know what, you guys? After sitting down and talking about this, I think I'm already starting to feel a little better in my body. You know what's so interesting about doing this podcast is I hope that you all are getting something out of it, but you don't know what you're giving to me as well. Having this space where I can really just sit and reflect on my own recovery and what actually does help, it reminds me of what helps. And it reminds me, oh shoot, girl, you should probably be doing those things more. And it also gives me just such a space of gratitude for where I've landed. And so thanks for being here and thanks for listening and thanks for giving me a space to be vulnerable and understand myself even deeper. As I said, I'm in this phase of life where so much is challenging and so much is being clarified, and this podcast is such a part of it. So thanks. Um I hope some of that was helpful, if not relatable, and I hope that it gives you some ground to walk on in navigating your own body image challenges. You're not doing recovery wrong if body image is still an issue. It's hard. It's so freaking hard. And for a lot of us, it's the hardest piece. And it will, in fact, follow you past when you are recovered because body image is a human experience. We all live in bodies, we're gonna see them a certain way. Mood impacts body image, our life circumstances impact it, what we see online impacts it. So it's something to really learn how to manage through rather than fully eliminate the issue. And I hope that can feel, I suppose, tangible in a way that is manageable, if that makes sense. Okay. Thanks again for being here. Thanks for listening as always. Would so appreciate if you rated or reviewed on Apple Podcast and Spotify. That helps me so, so much, and it helps get this out to more people that need to hear this message. If you're on YouTube, please give it a thumbs up and subscribe. Would love to have you on the YouTube, fam. Even if you listen on Apple or Spotify, I would love to have you come and subscribe on YouTube. I do a video version of this. If you ever just want to like see my face, give me a smile. Next week, we will be diving into a heavy hitter topic, and I have something that I've been meaning to share with you all that I will be announcing on next week's episode. So you're gonna want to tune in, you guys. You're gonna want to return. I will see you then. Eat your food, eat your snacks, take care of yourself. You are deserving of that. Your body deserves that. We will talk next week. Bye.