There Is No Way People Are Supposed to Be

People are not who we wish they were—they are who they repeatedly show us they are.

In this walk, I explore the painful trap of expecting others to respond the way we would. When someone repeatedly refuses mutuality, negotiation, or shared reality, it may not be a misunderstanding—it may be their structure. A reflection on projection, acceptance, difficult personalities, and learning to make decisions from what is actually in front of us, rather than what we wish were true.

Walk with me.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Good morning. Welcome to Embodied Wisdom, a walk in the talk with Dr. Brock. Why? From my neighborhood. Apologize still a little. A little froggy in my throat uh this week, so sorry in advance if I uh have this little sniffly. Um so I don't know, today uh a theme that has arisen this week um that I seem to be talking a lot about. I talk a lot about a lot about this in general, but it the this this core idea, I probably touched on this in lots of uh pre-existent walks and talks. Um but I'm gonna hone in on this idea today of well, I don't do this. I mean, I don't um stab people in the back, I don't tell go and tell other people's secrets when I feel betrayed. I go to the person, I have a conversation, I try to discuss it with them, I try to negotiate. So why would someone do this to me? And I hear this a lot. I am a negotiable person, I am willing to admit I'm wrong, I'm willing to apologize. So why aren't they? And um, so I'm gonna say this. I say there is no way that people are supposed to be, they are just the way they are. There is no way that any that anyone is supposed to be they are just the way they are. You don't have to like them. You don't have to like the fact that they won't negotiate with you, you don't have to like the fact that they want to dominate with their truth and they don't care about shared realities because the reality is it's not that they don't care. You can't flip yourself, project yourself onto another person because you think that's the right way to be. There is no right way to be. We got sold up the river on this idea that good people do this, and everyone's supposed to be inherently good. And also, I mean, now when you start defining what's good and what's bad, I mean, most of the time people are basically talking about, I don't know, I'm gonna say, basic levels of consideration that they expect from another person, but it's all based in perception. So if you ask someone you consider to be inconsiderate, if they think they're inconsiderate, the answer is most likely going to be no, despite the fact that you might have evidence, evidence of inconsideration, endless evidence, because in their perception, the reason why you don't think they're considerate is you. You and also we don't even know what how people define consideration, and sometimes they just stand by, oh, I'm that way, because it's just shameful not to be that way. So they're like, no, I'm that way, you know, kind of like I've been a great husband and father. I've been a great husband and father. Like, what does that mean? Great mother, been a great daughter, I've been a great wife, but maybe not to the other person, and then we have a definition about what a husband's supposed to be. I mean, where do we even get these definitions? Right? So I think what it comes down to is we don't like the way we feel when someone we don't like someone we love. We don't like how it feels because it feels really crappy. It feels really happy to not like someone you love, it feels really crappy, right, to love someone who hurts you. And I've heard not just mentors say this, but I've read it over and over again. Whether I know it's true or not, I don't know, I would argue it would make sense if it's true from an evolutionary standpoint, but it's sort of like we love our parents no matter what. We can't help ourselves. It's sort of like that idea with the um imprint of the, you know, the first, we see a lot of renditions of this. We learn about it with the little chicks, with the the first person they see, that's their mom. And they love that person, right? Like, and then there's the Dr. Seuss, are you my mother? No, it's not I don't, I don't, that's not a Dr. Seuss one. I think it's Eastman. Anyway, I really love that book. Um it's a kid's book if you you don't know what I'm referencing. Um and so so we're just wired that way, let's say. And so we're gonna feel this way. So this is this is the issue. I people say, or institutions say, or indoctrinations say, or society says, you can't. Um just like hi. Just like some you can't you can't feel that way. You can't feel that way. I'm like we feel how we feel. So if we don't like how we feel, right, that's okay, too. You still feel how you feel. So I really think that this whole negotiation around others in consideration, the way other people should be, the negotiation around that when you are frustrated because is because you want to change them so you don't have to feel the way you feel. And I think that's an intrusion. Even in the people that are like the I don't know, that disgust you, it's an intrusion because they have the right to be anything they want to be. Because especially the people that are gonna argue the considerate ones, right, or consider themselves to be the considerate ones, and the others to be the jerks. I always think about this when I'm talking about um assholes in my um when I'm talking to people in my with my patients about assholes. And sometimes I wonder, I'm like, not only do I think about this for myself, but I think about like, is the the person that we're talking about, do they act, do they think you're an asshole? They might think you're an asshole. Now, let's say when we're compatible with people, we have a basic um compatibility. Like we see, we see maybe what we want from people is the same, maybe how we act towards people is the same. Because people who are negotiable, they're just simply negotiable, and they tend to like um warning high, they tend to like other people who are like them for all the obvious reasons because they enjoy being around negotiable people, and that makes sense, doesn't it? Makes sense to want to be around negotiable people. It feels good to be around negotiable people, it feels reasonable to be around negotiable people. It feels I don't know, basically you can get along with anything that any any I don't know, you can get you can just get along, you can get along, right? And that's nice. Except who do we usually focus on when we're not those people? Nope, I don't ever hear about those people. I hear about these other people, and then people go, I mean, I didn't see this coming, I didn't understand, I don't see it coming. And this is the funny part. People forget that people are like this, it's a structure, it's not a behavior. So if you don't like how someone behaves over and over, it's a trend, it's a trait, it's a way of being. You can't go in on the one behavior and be like, you know, you really hurt my feelings on this. You could, but this is the thing, those people are not often impacted by the these conversations, and then you get even more upset. But a lot of times people go offline about who other people are because they don't like how it feels, because it doesn't feel good, and maybe you grew up in a house with people like this, so it's kind of in your bodies and your it's in your neurology, it's in your um, I don't know, it's it's it's in your bones, you can can feel it. Right down to the heart of you. And very nice out today. It's getting warmer. Okay. It's definitely something on my lens because this ghost is back. You guys can see it in another part from last week, too. Okay. Um maybe it's starts. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's over here too. It's a reflection off the light, definitely. Okay, so I'm just, you know, on the ghost walk. Anyway, okay. So I'm really, I'm really fascinated, just as a side note, that ghosts are like a normal part of my communication at this point in my uh the way that that I uh feels good to be myself anyway. Um so okay, so so if you grow up in environments like this, right, and you just feel some part of you might just like you know never learned to push down, push it away, distract yourself, what what it feels like, because that's how you survive, and also you don't know any different. This is the confusion, you don't know any different. So if we decide we talk about things like um like well, who is really the considerate one? Like what is really the reality? Um, and a lot of times people I work with because their reality has been, I'm just gonna say, overly negotiated with, probably with people who want they want to be right, right? These are usually people, and they're justifying, I mean, they are giving me a list of evidence as to why they can they are showing you that this person is just an a hole, and I'm like, Well, I don't need any more evidence. I've been sitting here sometimes, I've been sitting with people for a decade, they're giving me evidence for a decade, and God bless everybody who does, I do it too. These are blind spots, and the reason it's a blind spot is because we are so busy being like, I would never do that. I mean, I don't understand what they would do because I would never do that. Instead of going, wait, every time I see them, they do this. Every time holiday they do this, and instead of tracking that as a trend, as a structure, as the way the person is, we go, you know, next time I'm just gonna say it like this. Next time I'm gonna prepare the speech like this, next time I'm gonna prepare the meal differently, so that person's not gonna comment on it. And listen, I'm always gonna draw from examples from my own experience, but you I mean, please fill in the blank, just fill in the blank because uh this is a really good picture too. I'm looking out out of myself today, sometimes like in my head, which you know, that's what we're talking about. You're in your own head, like um, isn't people you know, you're like instead of looking outside of you and being like, look at this trend. Because you know the thing about personality structures, traits, the things you see in your little babies or little kids, or little, you know, like preschool kids, you can see who they are from the get. You could see it if you observe them, it's fascinating. Um, I remember early in my career I've always been focused, was always focused more on the um latter half of life, not the beginning of life. And one of my mentors, the same, the same ones, it's all the philosophers, you know, that said, we just love our parents. It's just the way it is. You know, Freud said it, you know, a lot of these founding fathers of psychology, they talk about it, but this guy I'm talking about, yep, he was uh God, I just lost my train of thought. You know, I lost my train of thought because it is really nice back here today, and and I'm wasn't paying attention to what I was what I was saying. Um and okay, so I'm uh hoping it's gonna come back. Hoping it's gonna come back. Um well anyway, I'll go back to like we're gonna pay attention to you know what is on the outside of us, and we're gonna look at the trends rather than focusing on individual behaviors because the traits that we oh, so he was talking about um you gotta go observe children, you gotta go observe children, and I'm like, observe children, and like this listen, this is like when I have been like like through six years of postgraduate education, and I'm studying like end-of-life care, and he's like, Listen, Brooke, you gotta go observe children. I mean, it's fascinating, and now I'm like thinking, I gotta go observe children. I mean, I have my own children, but like because this is fascinating, and then you see everyone, it's not personal, and I think maybe that's also what is this big theme. So this week the themes were didn't expect for them to cross over, but they do, is when people are a-holes, it's not personal, but it feels shitty, it feels crappy, it's still not personal, and the reason it's not personal is because the asshole a hole in your life has been that way since they're I don't know how old, basically, because they have certain traits that start to show themselves early. Now, some of you know life's complicated or human existence is complicated, so there's always where the where the struct, you know, where the they the person's nature meets the nurture. But I'm still gonna say, I hear it all the time. He's like that since he was a little boy. The easy ones, the hard one, uh like that since she's a little girl, she's always been like that. Um, and you see it, you see it in them, you see it when they're on the like getting their little graduation certificate from preschool, and then you see it when they're 20, and you see it when they're 30. And let's say some of these things get hardened or more difficult or loosen, but it's still part of it, because it's what it is. So it this it's this. I hope you can take this with you because so much of our suffering is based on misunderstandings. So, especially if we project this onto people who are, they're not so bad, but we don't give them a chance. I mean, here there's this is the other way to look at it. Why isn't this person more like me? And you start to see some things about them, um, and let's say they're a mixed bag, they are gracious, they are, but they did this thing to you, and really in the end, to me, how we figure out for me this is my preference, this is what I can tolerate, and then there's that. Oh, by the way, we all have different tolerance levels. So the next thing people do is they go, Well, why can this person deal with this? I must be weak. I must be weak if I can't tolerate tolerate this a-hole. Uh, no, and those people go try to do go back over and over again. I go, but the last five family events you went to, this person stabbed you in the back. So why are you pretending like that didn't happen those other five times? They're like, well, so-and-so doesn't care about it. Well, that doesn't matter. Because guess what? So-and-so might not care about it because so-and-so might not have intolerance for that because they have a different thing, and a lot of this has to do with your history, your past experiences, your constitution, your dharma, like your purpose in life. This is why people are all so different from each other, because we're all here to do different things. And by the way, some people are just here to scroll on their phone, and that's it, that's their role. And it doesn't the thing is the people who scroll on their phone, it doesn't bother them, like they just scroll all the time. That's that's what they're doing, and we go, that's not the way you're supposed to do that. Then you shouldn't live like that. But who says? Right? So, no matter how we slice this, dice it, people are what and who they are, they have choice to some extent that their awareness allows. Otherwise, uh, they're oh, and so here's here's another layer. Oh, the layers and layers and layers in this one. Well, they don't know. They don't know, they don't know they're like that, they're ignorant. So I gotta cut them slack. Uh no, you don't, because they still make you feel bad. Okay, so you you could use that if you want, like you could be gracious to whoever, to whoever this is about for you. You could be gracious, you know what I mean, because you understand, but they're still gonna F you over because if that's what they do, that's what they're gonna do. So that's why I always tell people you might need to distance yourself, or you may need to stop giving over information. Now, this is the thing when you are the kind of person that tries to fill that space because it's uncomfortable, and you fill it with why are they like this? What you're left with if you back off is usually very little. You get to see that person, and if you don't feed it, feed them, and you don't fight with them, they don't fight with you, they just go on their merry way, they're not interested, they're not interested in this mutual affection, they're not interested in this mutuality, they're interested in being right, or whatever else they're interested in, but you're not negotiating that with them because they're not negotiable. So when I go back to what I can't tolerate, I I really, really have a hard time when people cannot share their reality. And this is a structure, meaning um I there's the I'm I'm Right and you're wrong. That's it. There's a hierarchy in the way they perceive their relationships. And coming soon, I don't know, Ann. I haven't seen to a theater near you. There, I am going to be teaching about this very directly. The gaslighter experience. The gaslit experience. I'm trying to find another word for it because that this is a lot of what I'm talking about today, but the context of that is often it's to me, it's not used the way I'm trying or making efforts to use it. Because I'm looking at this structurally. I'm not looking at it behaviorally. Because we all can gaslight each other. We all could do that. But but those of us who are, I'm I'm looking at it as a structure for those who are non-negotiable. And because I work a lot with the personalities that are negotiable, that's mostly the people who seek out change and psychotherapy, are people who are negotiable. And again, I'm going to remind everyone, most people are these types of difficult people. You know, there's one or two in every bunch. I always warn people, they're like, I'm gonna get a new job, I'm gonna get away from this person. I go, don't worry, they'll be, you know, they'll be that person somewhere else. And they're like, uh and I've told my kids this since they're very little when they're when that per the couple of disrupted kids in the class, why does she have to be in my class? I go, because this is this is because she because that there's one in every class, one person. And uh they're there, they're there for a reason. They're they're they're living out, they're living out their their uh role. And so we could, and so the real goal here is you you to the extent that you can, you see this for what it is, you feel it for what it is, like not liking what you don't like, not like not liking seeing the trends, and then you decide how do I want to behave in light of this? Do I want to separate completely? Do I want to just stop talking as much? What is it? And sometimes we sometimes there's like a a need for a separation period, because you have to like refine your ground if you've you know had a very upsetting moment, especially if it's somebody close to you, and you might need some space to figure out how you want like to move forward, um, and because it's the stuff we're talking about. I'm encouraging you to not project, but it doesn't mean you're not going to because we we find ourselves here, but it's like almost like I'm saying, look out, look out, look outside you, don't make decisions about people inside of you based on who you are, because they owe you something back, it doesn't work like that, right? So I'm I'm saying pay attention and accept and work with the feelings, and when you work with the feelings, and this is really where the things really begin to change, you go, I don't I don't like the way this feels to be around this person, I don't like the way this feels to overextend all this. I don't like the way it feels what I'm doing here, and when you use that as a guide, even though the decision making might be a lot harder because now you're in a higher level of truth and you can't think it's you that can change what they are, you're gonna make better and wiser decisions. Because the decisions you're making are actually based in reality. Because if we go back to perception versus reality, when we have evidence that someone has done this for 25 years, when you have evidence that you have repeated something positive or andor negative for 25 years, for 52 years, whatever, you can trust it as evidence, sometimes I would call it evidence procedure. It's evidence. Why does my mom have to say that? But she says it every time. Why is my sister like this? Why? And it's like, does it matter? Psychology asks why, spirituality says let go, because spiritual spiritual underprintings understand this that you're not gonna change people just because you you're not the change, people change, they they are capable, they can change from within. That's it. They can change if they're inspired by another person to change, they can, but they're still doing it. And when I work with personalities, the ones that want to learn to be negotiable, because they have something on the line and they're older and they've decided, you know, I don't like being this way anymore, and they want it to change. It's they can't see, they don't they don't understand they're non-negotiable. I mean, this is what has helped me. I'm gonna say, with radical types of forgiveness, because I can see like they really don't know what they're doing. It's it's scarily, scarily. So these people you don't like and cause you all this disgust and upset that then you go, can't deal with that feeling, and then go, why do they have to be like this? Why don't they be more like me? Now you're negotiating. This is also because we've gotten this idea from every institution about the way how things should be and how people should treat us and etc. when they just are what they are. And I do think that all of that is because all of this and a good all of it is really because it is hard to live in our truths, it hurts, it hurts. So if we don't have to admit it to ourselves, then we don't have to feel this way, except if we don't feel like good or accurate decisions. We make decisions based on what we wish we could feel based in our negotiation because we're gonna change. So, anyway, the that those people that are the difficult people, they really don't know. They just don't know. They don't know what they don't know, they don't realize what they're doing because they are usually very focused on behavioral, you know, like I don't know, she told me to, you know, I I clean the dish, I clean the dishwasher out every day. I do all these things for her. I go, that's not what she asked, she doesn't care if you do those things, right? She wants you to be emotionally available. What does that mean? What is and then I have to explain what is kind of a deficit. I mean, and really I'm just gonna say they don't get it. Even when they want to, it's hard. Because it's um I don't know. I don't know what it is. Honestly, I don't know. Um how I conceptualize it is they they their constitution doesn't allow uh for them to work with these feelings, and um it just it got too hard at some point and they just kind of cut off. And I don't know if they you know ever really plan to return, but other personality structures are able to manage it better. So I I think it's probably an inherent I don't know, I always leave room for change, but I do think that it is when I look at this, it is a very different structure than people who can be negotiating can negotiate. So today the overall lesson that we're left it with is look at what's in front of you and let that be the evidence for what is, no matter how badly it hurts. Don't try to project yourself onto other people and then change it. And if when you back off of this and you start to see what I'm saying, you see that almost it's uh it's different than what you thought it would be, because you didn't realize how much emphasis and how much energy and how many words and how much contribution you were making to the feedback loop in the relationship. And when you back out, you see, wait, this person can't, this person is nothing, like they can't, they're not me. They can't negotiate. So if you don't give them anything to negotiate with, they can't fight about being right because they don't got anything. And when you back off like that, you see that they maybe don't have a lot to offer you, that you were doing a lot of the offerings. So be careful of this type of self-projection. Look at what's in front of you, let people be what they are, and make your decisions from there, because even though it hurts, it's uh it'll lead to better outcomes for you. So thanks for being here. This is an enthusiastic one for me. You kind of expect all that to come out. Um I hope you enjoyed. I hope you gained something from it, and have a good week and walk with me again soon. Thanks.