Validate Yourself

Safety begins when you believe your own experience enough to act on it.

In this walk, I reflect on validation, trauma, and the deep importance of learning to trust your own experience. Using a personal health example, I explore how self-invalidation can keep us stuck, confused, or overly reliant on outside authority—and how true healing begins when we create safety within ourselves. A walk about self-trust, integration, and the courage to say yes to what you already know.

Walk with me.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello, good morning everyone. Welcome to Embodied Wisdom, a walk and a talk with Dr. Brock, live from my neighborhood. Today is a picture postcard, beautiful spring day. Haven't had one of these in a quite while it feels like. Beginning of June, end of through the middle of July, end of July before all the humidity got kicked up. Beautiful day for a walk and a talk. So anyway, I was thinking about which way to go today in terms of a topic. And what has floated to the surface is validation. The need for validation. And in my um meditations this morning, after a week, which I think is very interesting, I was at a trauma conference, a virtual trauma conference this week, and I have a whole bunch of thoughts to digest, but quite ironically, they're not new ideas. I didn't learn anything really new. Um, but there what I did learn is really about integration of lots of parts of ourselves that have been maybe hurt. Because when I think about this this trauma conference that I've that I went to, of course it's uh the most extreme cases often rise to the surface, but uh in this in this um in this conference, some of the examples that were used were not not people, just high-functioning people, people like you and me. You know, and so trauma is an interesting area, especially if you have come out the other side of it a lot of times very hard. The traumatized part of us doesn't um get a lot of validation because of the nature of how the neuroscience operates and the way the brain operates, and the way the left brain versus the right brain operates, and when they when they um when when they integrate in our development. So basically, I mean your left brain and your right brain, um, you know, one side of the brain is like kind of more responsible for the more subjective parts of life and the and the um and I would say the art of life or the feelings of life or and then and the other side of the brain is more object, you know, more objective, more mechanical. And and not and and these two parts of the brain, they don't really come together till you know age 12, which I think is uh interesting because at different points in our development we're using different parts of our brain. And if we are have memories, you know, we have ways that we coped, which are adaptive strategies with painful things that happen to us, um, it could be very, very difficult to get that validated because one side of you, I mean, and then they're showing like these different types of interventions where you can really hone in on like one side of your side of you versus another side of you, right? So, I mean, I don't know if you guys have as much of this experience as I do, is it's like what sometimes it's like which shelf is forward because the other self understands this circumstance like last week, and now another party came out and is screaming over the same thing you calmly managed the week before. And it's so like, or I don't know, like if you ever have left a drawer or a cabinet open, and you um and you come back later and you're like who left that open? Like, you definitely don't think that was you who left it open, and this isn't a human phenomenon. This isn't because of trauma, this isn't because of dissociation, this isn't because this is because of the nature of how we operate in the world. So if we're willing to understand this type of complexity and understand that maybe like not all of us is accessible at different points in time, and from the point of view that I'm talking about, there's been interruptions, there's been trauma, there's been mean people. And one side of you knows all about this. The traumatized self knows all about this, but the other self or selves, I mean, please, it's like you could look at it in a million different ways if you want to. I'm not, don't want to be, but I'll just use two like kind of split-off selves, doesn't experience what the traumatized self experience, or you could look at it as the left part of the brain doesn't really experience what the right part of the brain experiences, or you don't experience that. The more accessible, the more flexible your brain is, the more these two sides speak to each other, the more fluid your life becomes because you're not living stuck in invalidation. So if the one side of us has been traumatized and invalidated, which also is particularly interesting, because what does that really mean that we were invalidated? To me, it means uh an important part of us, ourselves, was not um was hurt. So that kept us from being ourselves, being our true selves. So that's a lot of also what conversations come up. Um, why do we keep going in the conference? Why do we keep going back to the same relationship over and over again? Why that we know isn't good for us, why do we go back to the same people over and over again that we know invalidate us? Now, in the psychodynamic literature, or um, you know, like the idea like where Freud came from and all of that, it there's an idea that we keep going back to that to fix it, and and that's not lost in the current work. Like we go back there, it's all we know, it's what we feel comfortable with, it's it's what we remember, you know, because these are the relationships we grew up in, no matter how invalidating they are, and maybe that even sets us up to continuously seek validation from the invalidating. Um that also goes on inside of ourselves, right? Because we've internalized these experiences as much as we've had them. And the more that we're able to have each of these sides of our brain, our objective, our subjective brain, speak to each other, the more we can validate what happened to us and not live within it. Because we start to be able to see it, because we're integrating. It's like both sides of the brain starts to mirror and understand. I'm gonna argue it's resiliency because this was all normal, it was normal, it happened. Bad things happen in childhoods, everybody knows that. Negative things happen, positive things happen, all kinds of things happen. And we are built to adapt to what has hurt us. Makes perfect sense. But if we don't validate that experience that we had and we don't let ourselves remember it, even in the moment it's reoccurring, we don't validate that that's happening again and that's not okay with us. Now, a lot of times what they've shown is you won't have this accessible in your body, in your mind, but your body will be telling you. So that would be the you know, circumstances where your body's shaking and you're so scared, but there's no real stimulus to be scared of. You know, like I don't know, sometimes people describe like they they're not sure why something that seems so innocuous could could set them off so much. And it is, it's because these two sides of the brain aren't really aren't really talking to each other because there's no intrinsic feeling of safety. Now we could argue, if you want to look at it just from this point of view of validation today, that the um lack of safety. Sorry, is come is is just awesome. People, it's a weekend. I don't usually do this on the weekend. I guess I see people, but these are more like not the usual neighbors, so let them get ahead of me. So sorry, got interrupted. So, so a lot of also what they talked about at this conference. So, this is the cutting-edge trauma research conference, which means that it's for all these types of um ways we torture herself. That's basically what it what it specializes in. Um, I guess I guess today I'm how I'm looking at it, it specializes in how we learn to invalidate ourselves. So if we're gonna invalidate ourselves, it's not a safe environment. And basically, a lot of these researchers saying from all different perspectives, if you don't have a safe environment within you, yeah you can't do this work. You can't feel better. Um, when I say can't do this work, I don't mean you can't work work with yourself. I mean it's it's like it's not gonna work, is what they're basically saying. That we want to create a space of safety so we could validate ourselves within the old relationships and with the old relationships with ourselves. The old relationships like you know, with ourselves that were created by the people who invalidated us. Now, the thing that's real tricky about this is this is all about finding ways then to uh validate yourself. Okay, so here, here we didn't learn how to do that. We didn't learn how to do that. But I'm gonna give you a really simple example. I have um this post-injury swelling in my foot. I've been to, I don't know, lots of people about this. No, I wouldn't really, that's the funny part is my let's say my invalidated self. Okay, let's say. Um no, that's let me see how I can. Go to mama. Sorry, this is this this interrupts with a cutie. Hi, buddy. Morning.

unknown 12:34

She's getting in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

She lift her mom. Um sorry about the interruption. Okay, so I'm talking about my foot. So this has been a really big issue with my foot that I had this uh injury too. Because this injury is very upsetting to me because I didn't really do anything to injure. It's like I wore shoes the wrong day and it gave in this part of my foot gave. And as a result, um, I have this soft tissue injury that really never resolved. And I think that it might have damaged my lymphatic system, so there's swelling that hasn't resolved. And I've gone to three orthopedists about this, and all of them were like, we need to get another MRI, whatever. And I'm like, no, I know that's not the way. Here, here's the self-invalidation. No, I know. And then I have my holistic people that are all like, it's swollen. It's okay. Except this is the first time ever that I was traveling, I was in a hot environment, I was on sand, then I, you know, I got on the airplane, and then my whole like bottom half of my leg felt like it's it's swelled up. So now I've got now I've gotten increasingly worried, right? So I do some research because I ask around to some people like that, you know. Do you know a vascular person? I let me say this uh before I even get to the vascular person, I do some research and I'm like, oh, I probably need to see a cardio, I need to see a vascular specialist about this. I think I think I'd like their options because I worry about the swelling. And when I go ask about the vascular, everyone sends me back to the orthopedist, including like even a f even my own like family member. Like, oh well, if you're looking for the him to drain it, whatever, you could go back to the orthopedic. And I'm like, I don't want it. I saw three orthopedists about this, and they all were like, uh, you know, kind of like that, like, or or one was like, we have to get better imaging. And I'm like, better imaging, like you, okay, but like there's there's damage. It's not like I don't I wonder where the swelling is coming from. That's why I had the MRI, so I know that. So anyway, then last year I did this whole thing with it, which is more like a whole PT neurostimulating whatever, and that resolved the pain around it, but not the swelling. And he's like, Oh, that guy's like, oh, that's just a condition, you know, now it's a condition. So I don't know, I get worried that when I get older, like these things become bigger issues, and I'd like someone to take a look at it. And I and I do then I do some research myself about post-swelling. Um well, I'm making this long for no reason, but I like post, but I but I want to make a larger point, and I think it's a really important point, actually. So I'm just invalidating myself on this, but I I think it's a great example because it's outside of us. I didn't do anything to cause this. I have a long-standing injury on the other side, and I think that um, you know, this is just wearing care from different, you know, parts of my life. And you know, I think I really like to really get involved in martial arts, and I really don't want to re-injure myself, so I'm trying to resolve these things, right? So I could do what I want, validate myself, right? So there's a whole process of validation. Just around one piece of our health can open up so many doors to understand this one side of us that's validating, and the other side of us that is not valid, you know, not validating. Um, and maybe if these parts are not connected, it's like one day you're like, oh, this isn't my fault, but the next day, like, you're it is. Now, this is very interesting what happened because I wouldn't have expected it. So I'm thinking all about, I don't know, all these things are swarming around in my head about the conference, and everyone's sort of deterring me not to go in the vascular direction with my foot when all of a sudden I kind of made this point of discovery. Like, why did I not know this before? Like, why didn't anyone tell me, and this is really upsetting to me right now, that I should go see a vascular person? Like, and then I go, now if I validate myself, ready, if I validate myself, I go, because it wasn't time yet, because you just this problem just exacerbated and it made you look into it further. And before that, you just thought it was something you had to live with, and now you know you're kind of right that maybe it could have larger implications, and maybe you'd be willing to make a bigger intervention. That's what, and then I think, and some of you listeners out there know this, I would be doing the research for you in one heartbeat, and be like, you need to validate yourself. No, you go see that vascular person. Is there some other specialty you think you need? I mean, I'm starting in the whole non-for-profit based in this very idea of validating agency within the healthcare system. An entire, I'm I'm creating a whole thing for this. That's how important this is to me. But it's about validation. I did not realize this, and so I'm getting to my larger point still, is that I didn't realize till I was reading something this morning while I was in my meditation space, and it was how important validating yourself is. That and it was like all of a sudden, because of all this recent understanding, I was like, oh my god, that is what creates all this pain for me. Because if I was to validate myself around this, and then the next thing that I did, I I put in the research in and I said, who is the most compassionate of these? Because I looked because when I I did, I was brave enough to go in and be like, what is this possibility? Because I was like deciding whether or not I should go to the urgent care around this extra swelling. And that's when the vascular thing came up. And match what my acupuncturist said. I I agreed with it, but all along I realized I was in the self-blame spiral about this, that it was something I had done, something I had done wrong, completely invalidating the fact that one day I put on the wrong pair of freaking shoes and traipsed around a lacrosse tournament. Don't do that, but I didn't even know they were the wrong shoes. I was not even like trying to be pretty in the shoes. I just thought these are these are supportive enough. Well, I probably had other issues going on in my lower extremities because I have complications there for years. Okay, so and I know circulation has always been an issue for me. I always have had cold feet. I know this. So if I want my body to operate more efficiently and effectively, going to see a cardiovascular doctor is really exactly what I would like to do. But it didn't occur to me to do before. So then I felt all like lost, and everyone's sending me back to the orthopedist, and and and there I there I am in like invalidation mode. Invalidation. Go go and please everybody else, go to where they tell you to go. That's what makes them feel safe. Go and do that. And I'm like thinking, like, that's not what I need. Why am I gonna go do that? But I could find myself maybe gonna go do that, just follow their lead, even though I already know that's not what's right for me. Because of, oh I I have just seen a um uh blue jay feather with represents ownership of like your power, owning your power, not dabbling in it, owning it. Okay, so this is a part of that over my over a foot injury. Because when I was sitting there before I did like the real follow up research to try to find like a couple very local people who are seen as very compassionate to find the right, you know, fit for me. And I'll wait to see them, whatever. I cried. I cried. I cried because. I don't know. Maybe it was an integration. Maybe it was like I thought to myself, because I had just read this validation piece about how looking on the outside for validation is never going to satisfy someone like me. That the only validation can come from the self. The entire conference was about this. That the safety comes from the validation of the self that could not happen in childhood because of these difficult relationships. And then the brain split off. It's like no one's fault. It's like I'm going to walk around and blame myself for whatever happened in my body as a result of whatever happened to me. It doesn't, it really doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense to one side of me. But the other side is quietly there, going, they're not going to understand. They're not going to understand. Just stay here with me. They're not going to understand. Let's not go. Let's not go there. I don't I don't want to go there. They're going to tell me there's nothing they can do. Well, this is what happens when you go back to the orthopedists they're like, you there's nothing you can do. Well, of course, there is always something you could do, by the way. Always. So here I am believing there's always another form of healing. There's always something that there's always something out there. If it's broke, there's something to fix it. That's the balance in the universe. Always I believe this. It's a law of nature. But I'm not going to do that with myself. And I think that's what made me sad. There's a ton of literature on this. That we have this sacred self. There's a ton of literature in all modes of understanding, philosophically understanding the self, spiritually understanding the self, psychologically understand. It doesn't matter that there's this whole place that we all come from that interconnects us all, that we're all part of, and that that exists inside of ourselves. And there's there's something that sorry that that sorry to you guys. And comes up with the doctor to go to, I found I found, and I, and I'm thinking to myself, like, you tell everybody to do this. And then I'm crying because I'm doing it for myself and attaching this really deep, uncomfortable space inside of me. And it might be that it's so deeply connected to not feeling safe because I don't create safety. Now, again, my neurology doesn't create safe. There's a million ways to look at it. It doesn't have to be me. But that there's a part of us that knows how to do that just because. You know, I've talked about this being maybe the God space. I mean, it's just this space where you know it's pure consciousness. It's like what all meditation is supposed to be for. It's why you go to psychedelics. It's the Tao. And it's a part inside of us. And it that part just helped me find a doctor for myself. But by the way, here comes the invalidation part. I go and then I go, I tell an outside person. Oh, I found this person. I think this is gonna be are you are you sure? Like you could go back to the author Pete, and I'm like, um, wow, wow, this has a lot of I don't know, this is hard. Now I've talked about it from a million different angles, but I will tell you that that basically what the all the literature is saying is it if you are looking to find the truth of the pain within your heart, this is the what to look, this is the way to go about it. This is the hi, hi, come on. This is the integration. Like it is the self-validation is saying yes to yourself when when you want to say yes, and no to other people when you want to say no. And it's very hard, especially if that people don't react well to that outside of you, because guess what? People want you to do, guess what they want you to do? Validate them, and validating you can make them question their own decision making. I don't even and in ways that you can't even really imagine because you're not, you're not, you don't care. You know, like people who think like this, who's listening to these podcasts, like you don't really, you're not, you're not interested in changing people. You you really all want peace in your heart, and you you tend to try to change yourself to create that peace, and then you're miserable because you didn't go to the doctor you wanted to go to. I mean, it's like really that simple, but the inner workings, like this whole thing, I hope it made sense to you on a level because it's really complicated, it's really, really complicated. So, and it's okay, whatever whatever happens, it's like it's really okay because this is what happened, what came out is I wasn't, and and I think I want to make this point really, it's a very important point. I wasn't gonna do the research, and I wasn't gonna look for the doctor if I didn't validate myself, if I didn't validate my concerns, if I didn't stop invalidate, oh, because one piece, this they're gonna be like, why'd you wait so long to come see us? Why'd you wait so long? You should have known. I didn't know, and even when I even was gonna go in that direction, someone told me not to go three times. So they were gonna take me down their rabbit hole, which I didn't want to go down, of clearer MRIs. My time's very precious to me. I don't want to be going for additional MRIs, right? And then I go to my acupuncturist, and she's like, Brooke, you don't need another MRI. That's ridiculous. So if I don't find my way back to myself, and one of my spiritual teachers once said to me, like, Brooke, that this is your sadhana, right? This is your sadhana. This is your this is the space inside yourself you need to go to. So you can find peace in your heart, and it's contemplation around my well-being won't make sense. I'm a healer, but I didn't realize this deep place that I could touch. Because I really wasn't, I was so scared to look in that direction about the swelling because I was in so much self-blame about it. Even though I knew the origin was this injury, it's been swollen since that day. It's it's it really doesn't make sense. But wow, it hurts so bad inside. And I think it's because this injury is like our trauma. It's it's just like it. It's like our trauma. Like we didn't cause it, we couldn't see it coming, we didn't do anything. In a difficult relationship, you don't have to do anything for someone to hurt you, just have to be there. And this is what happened. I was just there. This happened to me. Maybe somehow it's can't it's just too much to bear for it to be so representative. And when I was early in my career, I used to note this in vets, in Vietnam vets. Some of them all over their trauma dealing with it. They dealt with their health, they, you know, they don't avoid. And then there's a whole group of other guys who didn't deal with their trauma and then didn't deal with their health. And so it's like a metaphor. I mean, it makes perfect sense. It's like the whole mind-body thinks connected as much as it ends up getting unnecessarily separated. But it's interesting. You can you can look at some of these, and and I guess what I'm saying is it creates a gateway for interrupt inter umpting these patterns, not just externally, so you get the help you need, but internally. And you know, I don't ever say to someone when they come see me, why didn't you come sooner? I never say that. It makes my heart or would hurt my heart to say that. I would say you came exactly at the right time. And I don't think these doctors are gonna be like, I can't believe you didn't come sooner. But that's what I expect them. I'm supposed to know. So it doesn't matter where that idea came from, but it's planted in there, and it creates a space for me of invalidation. So validate, validate, validate. When there's data, okay? Do not validate shit in your head. This is a disclaimer before we finish. That has no backup that has no data. This is data. See, my foot's actually swollen. You don't want to, if you have data that someone has hurt you, like they sent, you know it. That is very different than if you think you did. Okay, this is only for real life stuff, everyone. Okay, don't validate negative crap in your head if you're making it up by someone look a look at someone gave you. This is evidence-based stuff. So, uh, thanks for walking with me today. Our time is up, about to be done here. Um, and during this beautiful day, yeah? Snap coming out. Um, thanks for walking with me, and hope you have a good week and we'll walk together again very soon.