Changing the Framework

Real change may begin when we stop trying to fix ourselves by rules that no longer fit.

In this episode, I reflect on social expectations, belonging, and the pressure to live according to inherited ideas about what we should be doing, wanting, or becoming. I explore the difference between rebellion and true self-authority, and considers what happens when familiar ways of healing or understanding ourselves no longer work. Rather than forcing change within an old framework, I invite listeners to use discernment, courage, and experimentation to create a new one—and to discover what becomes possible when we stop measuring our lives by outdated rules.

Walk with me.

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Hello. Good evening, everybody. Unusual for me to do this in good evening. Welcome to Embodied Wisdom, a walk in and talk with Dr. Brook. Switching it up a little bit this week for myself. I guess this is the Labor Day edition. Um so given the space I'm in in my life currently, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on social norming, doing what it is we're supposed to be doing with our time as a woman, as a mother, as a person, as a human in the northeast of the United States, and what do we do on Labor Day, right? We go to a barbecue, right? Or we have a barbecue, it's usually what we do. And this year, I didn't have a barbecue, and I didn't invite anyone to a barbecue, and I didn't get invited to a barbecue, and I didn't try to create a space to go to, I just didn't. And it's a beautiful day, and I did, I would argue, very unconventional activities for a labor day. And this is the thing that I found, I found really interesting, is that when I was around other people whose and listen, I'm not really proud of this, I'm gonna say in advance, but I wasn't around other people like doing what I was doing just for you know, I don't know, like because they were there, and it was more an untraditional Labor Day thing to do, because they were wherever I was, and I felt comforted, like they're giving me permission. Permission, like who right, who is giving me permission to do what I wanted to do this Labor Day? Because this is really what I wanted to do this Labor Day, or the circumstances allow for, or the newness of my experience uh showed me, or whatever. So, where do we get those ideas? I know I go over this and over this and over this, but I think this is just what I'm supposed to talk about over and over again, like and they think it's expectations over and over and over again that make us sad or make us sorrowful or make make us discordant or because I'm there's supposed to be something I'm doing with this time that is dictated by a certain level of an orthodoxy. And when I say orthodoxy, it's like a certain level of an expectation. I'm gonna probably run into people now, a lot of people on this walk in the evening. Hi. How are you? Hi Hi, how are you? Um so what I mean by an orthodoxy is it's really like the ideas you grew up with. So, you know, if it's a religious orthodoxy, we know what those are. Those are, but let's say just say like the whole whole societal like navigation process, the whole cultural is that we're supposed to right be spending our time in a certain way, and when we don't, we're left to feel upset about that because that means something. But it doesn't mean anything, it means nothing. Um so I I think that that let's say we do what other people do, and it's a very nice reassurance of, oh that's okay, just because your people didn't do it this way doesn't mean that you can't do it this way, and it's okay, you'll still be loved. I mean, this is crazy. The level by which this permeates, and I will just speak for myself, but I have listened to a lot of people, like every aspect of the human condition, how this permeates us, and it's everywhere that we are not making decisions from within ourselves about how to spend our time and what to do with it, and what kind of mother do we want to be, and what kind of sister do we want to be, and what kind of person do we wish to be. We don't. There's a whole set of circumstances that preempt that. And what I hear over and over and over again is people will go back to that. I don't care how old you are, and they will distinguish themselves from that egoic standpoint. From that, I did this, so I'm lovable. I didn't do this, that means I'm not lovable. Um, you know, I have this much money, which means I'm I don't have this money. I saved this much money, which means I didn't save this money, I'm working this hard. And meanwhile, what do I see around me everywhere? Misery. Everyone's unhappy, but they say this is the way be happy. Follow what everyone else is doing, but everybody's miserable. So what's the core, what's the core tenant is making us miserable? Is we're consulting times and places that we reject, ways of being that we reject. Saying we will never be like this. Never be like that, never follow what everybody else is doing, except we are, and we're doing that because we want to be loved. And you know what? That's not nothing. And that's conditional love, and that's approval seeking, and that's all these things that everyone's trying to get away from. I want it, I people seem I don't want to care what other people think. But your entire life is about giving into that and or about can or about um complying with that, because the opposite of that is still a compliance. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. Not I'm gonna do the transcendent thing, the revolutionary thing, not the rebellious thing, which I'm gonna create a new life for myself. How many of us said I'm gonna create a new life for myself? I'm not doing it this way. But did we? Or are we operating out of some artificial response pattern to either go with it or against it? How often are we creating something new in our lives? And I see it, I see it all too often, and I see it all the time. So how do we want to be different? And how do we make that happen? It's um at the very least, what I can argue is it's not easy because when you get around people or you're on social media or you're around them, the promotion is to do things the same because it makes everybody feel safe. And you don't want to be the one to make everybody feel unsafe. Because if you do, you're gonna get scorned and rejected. So in so in the end, if you're gonna get scorned and rejected by the very thing that you claim you want to be, well, that's a little bit of a downer, right? And I don't mean, and let me be clear, I don't mean any this is not even conscious. No one's trying to hurt anyone. They're really just trying to uphold their their situation. So I've heard this before. So some you know, one person says, you know, I just like to have a quiet alone weekend, but everybody feels so bad for me. I said, but do you feel bad? No, I like my quiet alone weekends. Um okay, or you know, I shouldn't, I should feel this way when I'm alone. Well, you know, people have different orientations of what makes them feel good and what makes them feel bad. And I'm just gonna use myself as as an example. So what I find that happens is a lot of times if I say astrology, um, maybe the listeners that are understand what I mean by astrology, but a lot of times they get like a face tell, like, oh she then she here she goes, moving into I don't know, la la land with her belief system. Um, but when I use terms like ancient mythologies, ancient healing tools, it well, it's different because it's it's grounded in such high intellectual worth and intellectual prowess when I say it like that, then there's a deeper understanding. So if one of the deepest levels of understanding I've gotten from myself is from studying um my astrological chart, but that's in the in the it's in the realm of me desiring. See, listen, this is the thing. So there's cars, you know, a bunch of cars in the street, and so I'm like, oh, it's Labor Day. It's like the same feeling I had July 4th. Like, but I was going to something on July 4th, so this didn't show itself. But it's like, but I'm not going to say, oh, look at all these people, they have all this stuff to do. I don't have that stuff to do. So now I'm gonna feel bad inside. I mean, it's it's a thing. But if I didn't see the cars, then I wouldn't know that and I wouldn't feel bad because I would be doing the thing I'm doing, but maybe I still would feel bad because that would still be something I would argue that you know other people aren't doing. So I shouldn't be doing this because that means I'm not really lovable. But that's only from the meaning that we give it. If we don't give it that meaning, it doesn't have it, right? And then it just has like I'm doing this today, objectively, and they're doing that today objectively. And sometimes if I become a video camera in my own life and I look at what I'm doing, even if I'm discontented with it, right, then I'm gonna still look at it from the portal or the point of view. Um I'm I'm gonna be like, oh look, I I look like I have that. I look like I have this charm life, but from the inside out, my mind's very disturbed from because that's the nature of my astrological chart and my experience, for my mind to be very disturbed. That means that there were disturbing circumstances in my home growing up. I mean, there's all these disturbances and I'm managing, and what I've come to terms with is I'm not gonna get over that, and I really thought I was going to. And as a result of that, that's very sad for me. Because I thought if I follow all these rules, I do all of these things, I work really, really hard, then I'm gonna overcome this disturbance. But it's right there in my, if I want to look at it from an astrological, it's right there. I can't. And I could come up with all the psychological reasons why, or why, you know, the idea of what's incurable doesn't even need to be cured. It's more that if I speak from my experience, which is what I'm talking about today, the whole thing becomes a non-sequitur. It becomes, you know, somehow irrelevant to the larger framework. Because what I'm doing is I'm changing the framework. And that's really what any kind of therapy is, in my opinion, psychotherapy. It's about changing your mind, it's about changing your perspective. And it's kind of that simple. It is about changing your perspective, it is about changing your mind. So here it is, is I'm offering a different framework. I'm offering a different framework, because even that framework, which is very disappointing, I must say, for me. And I say very, I really thought that that if I was able to turn up what was underneath, as let's say Freud had somewhat promised, or that nature of psychoanalytic thought had um had promised that I was gonna become, I don't know, healed. Because I was gonna work this hard at it, and I was gonna get that result because I was going to uncover something at its root, which would be, which would somehow, and although there is a a viewpoint on this, it didn't work for me. It works to a point. It works to a point because if something's unresolved and I need to deal with it and it comes up, great, but to keep going back to the same thing that's unresolved over and over and over again is is sort of reprocessing something in the wrong way because it doesn't need to be reprocessed, it needs to be transcended. And how do we transcend something is we accept that what we thought was true isn't going to be true? What I thought was true, an endeavor I'd been on my whole life. It's not, it's actually just not true, not true for me, and it might be true for others, and that's the thing that's interesting. The latest trauma conference, that's what talked about. What could work for you may not work for another people, so it depends on the nature again of your astrological chart. What a cutie, hi. Um so um interesting thing just came up in my mind. Um, hi, which would be like the idea of like a wish. So let's say like I don't identify with all the people that are back here with their dogs when they're alone or they're with their small family. No, no, no. I'm not going, oh, look at that. That's where it is. It's like that's oh, that's permission to be me. Right? That's like coming from a negative space because I'm not included over here. Now I get to be the left out person over here. But I have never been like anyone else. It's a whole the whole thing's so ridiculous. I've never been like anyone else. It's it's not my nature. So I'm never really gonna feel, even when I'm there, like I belong, because this is the nature of who I am. Just like my mind is never, it's it's like never gonna be okay. And here comes the irony. So I became a psychologist so that I could figure out how to make my mind okay. And um in the end, that's not really what's gonna happen. Hi. That's not what's gonna happen. I'm gonna be okay in light of that or in spite of that. And I'm like, wow. Wow, that's crazy. Because the reason why I think that's crazy is because wow, it's so it's so far away from what I thought it was gonna be. I mean, it's so far away. Yet, uh let's say all roads have lead here. No joke. All roads have lead here. Um, and let's even say there's a part of me that knew that knew I couldn't crack this code no matter what. I knew it. Because it's not crackable, it's a disturbance that can't be cracked. And although, let's say, okay, it's not crackable in the way that I thought it could be cracked because of other sources and resources that had been offered to me and that I had believed in, and that's life. And it just didn't work, so I found another way, or I'm finding another way, but that finding another way is like trading in something that was known to me, extremely well practiced and comfortable, for something that's like, ah, surrender. Oh God. I'm gonna apologize to anyone I have ever told to surrender. I don't think I use that word often or ever. I hate that word. And it's because I don't know what it means. Because when I surrender, I think that means I'm gonna surrender to my hysteria. I don't think it means I'm gonna surrender to a higher calling, a different negotiation, a better way of being. I don't think that, even though let's say maybe that's what ends up being asked of me, and that's what it means that like I'm gonna rest in to a different framework and move from that space. And I do believe that that will be what heals me. I do agree with that, but it's a complete shift in framework. It isn't that I have to fix myself within the pre-existing framework. I hope this makes sense. So, in other words, I would never be able to get better if I was working from the old framework. I would never get better. Better because I expected better to look like something that isn't possible for me. But I am not saying it's not possible for someone else, and that's the rub. How do we figure out what's best for us if we don't know what that is because we've never encountered it before? It means we have to be try new things and be brave all the time. And for me, that's my that's it. I gotta be brave because I gotta try new things, and I just have to do them, and kind of like this podcast. I could act like it's all for this other thing, but really it's because I just have to be brave, and this is the way I'm brave. For me, this is spontaneous, this is completely outside of what I would have normal been comfortable. It's based in in a very high level of knowledge, but it is not rehearsed. I could argue I'm speaking as a conduit. I don't even that word even tweaks people out, especially from an intellectual standpoint, which means I'm talking from a space of a high level of knowledge, right? But in the end, I mean it is ironic how many people are out here. This is the funny part. I would have never noted how many people are doing what I'm doing. I only know what people are not doing, and that's a training, and that's what I was taught to think, right? So, what if we were to focus on, I don't know, contentment. Hmm, am I contented right now walking through this this wooded area? Oh, I am very contented. Would I rather be at this barbecue and it be 10 years ago and with my much younger children? And no, no, I wouldn't rather be there. That was really hard for me, and I did it for their sake, but I didn't want to do it. So that's a lot of honesty. But wow, it was a lot easier to be dictated to things outside of myself and go along than it was to really decide because it was it was too hard. It was too hard, and it links back to what I was talking about in the last uh in the last audio, just about the nature of what's really underneath when things get quiet. You know, what's really underneath if we don't keep believing what we believe, like what is possible for us to change if we actually give ourselves a chance to change our perspective and move from our authority, except the authority we're operating from still needs to be negotiated because we're still operating from that space, whether we like it or not, it because it is the nature of human existence to be in that frame of the world, in what we were taught. We don't know any different, and to go into I don't know, I mean, who wants to be in I don't know? Who wants to be and change your mind? I mean, you know, who wants to be. in there and you know and then and then there's just like being observant like this and this is like you know so an exam in life or whatever and then there's like the whole thing of everyone promotes that even people who are not doing doing this promote it what is it but it's hard it's really hard because then you start to notice things you start to notice people's hypocrisy you start to notice things that are antithetical things that are paradoxical things that you can't explain even about yourself to yourself things you have claimed that you have now ch find to no longer be true that means you have to be humble to be humble everyone loves pridefulness we all love it love love love it except then we we except when we examine ourselves through that lens and then we go yuck yuck because it reflects back all these things we claim we didn't want to be what we became anyway because we're resentful because we're not conducting ourselves in the way we desire and this is all stage of life so it can feel different at different stages of life you know and and maybe sometimes it's even more important to be this way at certain stages of life for the sake of your family or your children like there is no judgment here there is no way you're supposed to be there is nothing that you need to compare yourself to on Instagram but that means that you're kind of navigating without a rule without rules and then that could be really scary or if you have a vulnerability like the way my mind can play tricks on me then I mean this is the funniest thing I just have to say I'm like laughing at myself there are so many people back here which means they're all not at a barbecue you know it's like come on like what auspice are you moving from and it is from I don't know do I want to still be living in 19 I don't know 87 eight nine nineteen ninety two I don't know because it seems antiquated to be doing that to myself when I have come so far studied so much have been living the examined life and I and the other day I felt frustrated because I was like I don't feel like I'm getting the benefit of all this work I've put in and because I wasn't because I wasn't transcending my mindset which is the benefit of all this work I've done because I've created through repetition so um the ability to be able to see what my mind does and understand it's gonna do that. So what I kept doing is try to go into it um as um as so I discussed the design of things I tried to go into it to get out of it when really I just have to stay out of there. Well okay that's what I teach is how to stay out of there stay out of the past meet the present you know deal with the context you're in so for example today if I was to deal with the context I'm in rather than the expectation well first I had a meeting this morning I had as much time as I needed to meet it was for myself it was wonderful it went on and on and it was lovely to not have a space to go to but wow wow I could feel underneath it the dog's been left alone what's what's my husband doing is he upset is he home yet like oh my god what's underneath it that's pulling down all the time is this societal expectation in my mind of where I am supposed to be even when I have nowhere to be and no one expecting anything of me and if it was last Monday the dog was left all alone all day and he was just fine you know well you know what I mean left alone within reason so I I'm I'm see how when I don't have a road map I immediately click into where's that expectation and I look for it so why can't if I do that why don't I just create a new version of that because the ones that my minds have which is who I don't know the mind is inf is so highly influenced by I don't know like you know you could have you could be like standing by a rule that your third grade teacher said who you didn't even like you know it's like the mind has that it's full of the ancestries ideas it's full of societal ideas it's full of ideas you had in school TV shows sitcoms I mean it's just layered in fact I've heard it's like oh just like they're like antenna it's like static you know it just picks up anything and so if I'm gonna base my feelings about myself on ideas that are completely outdated and I don't even agree with well that's frustrating and I don't and I'm not gaining the benefit of all these years of watching my mind and my work in this regard because it is to understand that that can be transcended that's what the work is for it's not to make it stop it's to for me to outframe it hi how are you nice to see nice to see you um so yeah so I mean I keep coming at this stuff different angles because I think that is the ultimate message I'm delivering is that we have to use discernment discernment before we come to any conclusions about what it is that we're you know wanting and needing to navigate through um what we're trying to navigate through of course I took my phone out to look at what time was and I got distracted distracted sorry so by an expectation of someone who I should fulfill before I finish this talk and call back right so if my kid calls me I'm supposed to stop everything I'm doing and call them back. There's no immediacy the need but I guess because oh he's calling me he's away I you know it's kind of like that and it's like I find myself every single time well no no pause and use discernment no I'm gonna figure finish what I'm saying there's no need for that but we're operating automatically a lot of times on this stuff and so we're just on demand and on demand and on demand and listen I'm talking about from my framework but I hope you can see if you have anything similar operating that to step outside that and watch your mind that is the best we can offer ourselves no matter what we're doing. So yes do I think that some mind can be healed from the inside out I do think that's important work but if it doesn't work for you because you've been trying it over and over and over and over again um then you know try something different and so sometimes people they talk about you know some people love they love talk therapy and other people just go I I I don't know it doesn't work I just keep talking about the same thing and it doesn't get me anywhere or if you go back in your journals and you realize you've been writing the same thing for God now it's like 40 god 40 years writing the same thing in my journal and it's like wait what are the themes what are the themes that are generated in my life over and that's what I mean. It's like okay look at these themes and you know sometimes I tell people I'm like everybody has a theme song um but it's like somebody I could see I could see you as like I could see someone as a Billy Joel song Barry Manilow song these are some of my favorites um you know but like and and and maybe I'm gonna use 80s icons as a you know um as a you know because that's where I come from or I understand things because I know the lyrics from those songs better than the current lyrics whatever it doesn't matter but we all have a theme song and what if we just changed our theme song what if we change the channel I mean this is possible maybe it's not probable but it's possible but you have to know what channel you're on first and this is how we learn. So I don't think I could have learned this any other way. I have to be live long enough to know what influences my mind to know how biased I am to know I keep going into those biases and I don't transcend them and to wonder ways about ways I can so just know that there's always a way to heal and even in your greatest levels of frustration we can pause and we can wonder and we can establish new frameworks so we don't think the way we used to think especially if those frameworks have put us into despair over and over again and that's what I'm talking about for me I'll just re-enter a despairing space after I have after I've already discovered the cause of the despair so that's just a mechanism I don't have to do that I can reverse that I can back out of there I can maneuver the car in a different way I mean I have so many different ways I've come up with it I'm happy to have them and happy to share them but you can change at hello it's just that there's all these layers of karma in between that and you know that's really the truth of it. So that's what I mean so it's really hard to change to really change is so hard because yes you could change on hello but then your skares the crap out of you because you don't know that space you don't know that rules you don't know that world you've not been there before so it scares you and it should because you've not been there before but if you have bravery you can always be in a new space use your bravery just be brave and do something new and what the hell I'm telling you changes it'll change your world in a dime do something new today anything new and you'll see because maybe there'll be a whole bunch of people on the in that experience you didn't expect expect to be there um maybe you'll do something and experience something unexpected for yourself and maybe just do it the art of doing it will make it feel different will make it feel better so do something new try something new face a fear just you know go go do the walk the opposite way at the opposite time because fear is nothing but false evidence appearing real we will always face fear in the light of change because that's just the nature of being human so thanks for walking with me today and um welcome to September and walk with me again soon