Inside the Teen Mind
Inside the Teen Mind is designed for parents, educators, and anyone who cares about teens. Together, we’ll explore the emotional and social world of adolescents—what drives their behavior, how they think, and how we can better support them through the ups and downs of growing up.
Inside the Teen Mind
Episode 5: Teen Stress, Burnout and Perfectionism
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In Episode 5 of Inside the Teen Mind, we explore why so many teens today are experiencing overwhelming stress, burnout, and perfectionism. From academic pressure and social comparison to fear of failure and the emotional toll of chronic performance demands, we take a closer look at what is driving teen stress in today’s high-pressure world.
In this conversation, we discuss what the data tells us about teen stress, what is developmentally normal versus concerning, how perfectionistic thinking begins to form, and the warning signs that may indicate a teen needs additional support.
We also share practical insights for parents, educators, and caregivers on how to respond in ways that build resilience, support emotional well-being, and help teens separate their self-worth from achievement.
If you are raising or working with teens, this episode offers an important perspective on how to better understand what they may be carrying beneath the surface.
Read the Blog! For those who want to go deeper, our companion blog, “Why Are Teens So Stressed Right Now? Understanding Burnout, Pressure, and Perfectionism,” expands on the themes from this episode. We take a closer look at the growing pressures teens face today, including academic stress, social comparison, and perfectionistic thinking, while offering practical guidance for parents, educators, and caregivers. It’s a helpful next step for those looking for deeper understanding, validation, and actionable strategies to support teens through stress and burnout.
About Us: Inside the Teen Mind is hosted by Dr. Lisa Konick, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Founder of Konick and Associates, and Amanda McMillen, LCSW, Executive Director of the Alive Center.
Together, they bring a compassionate, real-world perspective to understanding adolescent development, mental health, and the systems that shape teen lives. Through clinical expertise, social work insight, and a shared commitment to supporting teens and the adults who care for them, Lisa and Amanda aim to equip listeners with clarity, empathy, and practical tools to help teens thrive.
But today's teens are more driven than ever before and more overwhelmed than ever before.
SPEAKER_05We're seeing middle schoolers having panic attacks over grades, high school students who haven't slept properly in weeks, and college-bound teens who feel like their entire future depends on every single assignment.
SPEAKER_03In this upcoming episode of Inside the Teen Mind, we're talking about what's really driving this level of pressure and how it's affecting teens' mental health, motivation, and sense of self.
SPEAKER_05We'll break it down why academic stress is rising among middle school, high school, and college, how to recognize the early signs of burnout and perfectionism, and most importantly, how parents, caregivers, educators, and clinicians can help teens build resilience without lowering expectations or sacrificing their goals.
SPEAKER_03You also learn what actually helps teens to stay motivated in a healthy, sustainable way, and what unintentionally makes stress worse. Because success shouldn't come at the cost of a teen's mental health. And no teen should feel like their worth depends on their performance. Join us for this important conversation. Episode five of Inside the Teen Mind, Managing School Stress, Burnout, and Perfectionism.
SPEAKER_05Presented by Conick and Associates in the Alive Center, supporting teens and families with expert, compassionate care.
SPEAKER_04Having to worry about what I'm gonna bring to each of my houses and planning ahead so I don't forget anything.
SPEAKER_03Welcome back to Inside the Teen Mind. I'm Dr. Lisa Conick, licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Conick and Associates, where we specialize in therapy and assessment for children, teens, and young adults.
SPEAKER_05And I'm Amanda McMillan, Executive Director of the Alive Center, and license and I'm a licensed clinical social worker at the Alive Center. We're a teen-driven nonprofit focused on prevention, leadership, and creating a space where teens can truly belong.
SPEAKER_03Today we're going to dive into a topic that feels incredibly relevant right now. Teen stress, burnout, and perfectionism.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, Lisa, I see this in my own family right now. I have a kid that is a senior in high school, and I see them going through so much, right? They have a job. They have uh two different clubs that they're a part of. They're um have two different AP classes. Um they are just recently found out about what college they want to go to, um, but you know, the stress of like applying and then waiting to find out where you're going, figuring out where all your friends are going, um, plus trying to do all the senior activities, uh, the the dances, the senior night outs, and also the feelings of loss of getting ready to transition and say goodbye. The other day, um, she was like, you know, this time next year I'm not gonna be here. I'm like, you're gonna be here, just not here, here, you know. You know, but like just being able to process that, and both of us got a little emotional, right? And what I notice is that she's a high achiever, but she just wants to sleep all the time. Every break she gets, I find her in her bed, all cuddled up, sleeping, or she'll get a lot of headaches. And you know, this I'm interpreting as the stress. The stress. And the fear of like possible burnout uh as she gets ready to uh enter graduation.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and the launching to college, I can speak on a personal level, and not just for my own child who's a college student, but also from a lot of our our clients at the practice, is there is by the time they get to postgraduation, whether that be college or vocational, school or even work, they may be kind of burned out academically. Um and they're making a lot of transitions. There's so much pressure to know their path in life at before they even hit the age of 20. Right. And I see um stress influencing my kiddos with stomach aches, headaches, like you said, Amanda, but also kind of that just procrastination of important tasks because they're just um mentally and probably even emotionally overwhelmed.
SPEAKER_05And because of our our our background, we know what this stress looks like, right? We understand that this excessive sleeping, the stomach troubles, the headaches, you know, it's their body that's showing that they're the stress is too much.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Right? So what we'd like to do in this segment is to break some of this down for our listeners so that they can understand what is going on in their uh adolescents when they're experiencing stress, and what are some of those factors.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, today we're going to break down what the data tells us about um stress and burnout, what development developmentally is normal versus concerning, how perfectionism forms, the emotional consequences of constant pressure, and I might add physical consequences, and what parents can realistically do to help.
SPEAKER_03Yes. So we're hoping to give you some tips, but before we do that, we'd like to ground this in some numbers. Local data, including surveys like the Illinois Youth Survey, consistently show that teens are reporting very high stress levels, especially during the academic year, as we can all probably relate to, and that stress is related to grades, performance, and future planning.
SPEAKER_05Right. And it's not just locally. Nationally, research from the common sense media shows that more than one in four teens report feeling burned out. They're emotionally exhausted, disconnected, and questioning whether their effort even matters.
SPEAKER_03And there's more. The American Psychological Association reports teens consistently describe their stress levels during the school year as exceeding what they believe is healthy. So this tells us our teens are not just busy, they're emotionally depleted.
SPEAKER_05Right. We're seeing this at uh the Alive Center. You know, the teens that come there are dealing with all kinds of stress. With the middle schoolers, it's more about social stress. But with the high schoolers, I tell you, some of these teenagers have resumes longer and more impressive than mine. I mean, they're in, you know, AP classes, they're doing different services, they're in sports and clubs, and uh they're also like starting their own nonprofit organizations. I mean, it's insane what these teens are able to accomplish these days. I mean, most of the times I'm like, when I was 17, I played softball, and that was it. You know? Yeah. And so that kind of um makes me realize like, what has been the shift from like what the expectations of uh it was when we were teenagers versus the expectations of our teenagers now and why they feel like they have to try to achieve so much.
SPEAKER_03I think that this is the exceptionalities uh standard, right? We have to be exceptional. And that's the message that teens are taking on. And it is a heavy load because there is a world of s of social comparison, and they're seeing what everybody else is doing, and they think they need to add that to.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03I need to add that to the list of things that and uh that I'm already interested in. And I think that the impact can be that they're they're patting their resumes with things that might not even be meaningful to them because they want to be viewed as exceptional.
SPEAKER_05Right. It's like a mile wide or uh and an inch deep, or like what's that?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's yeah. They're stretching themselves too thin. Yeah. So let's talk about breaking this apart into some of the contributors that's driving these levels of stress stress in our current youth. So I'm gonna go through these with Amanda for you. Um, academic intensification is one of the things that really we're just right now talking about is that expectations have increased. Students have expectations that they have to take more AP classes, they are building their resumes early. I didn't even think about a resume until after I got out of high school.
SPEAKER_05Me pretty much.
SPEAKER_03I had some and then there's that special that pressure early on that they must specialize. So it became a, you know, why are you slacking? You got to get these done, and it it really became an ugly scene unnecessarily. So I I think we're all guilty of getting our own parental stress in the process and having that roll over to our kids. And they're already carrying quite a lot of stress about the case.
SPEAKER_05Well, there's the financial stress of college too, right? You know, so not to distract too much from that, but that is a real thing.
SPEAKER_03So yeah. And then there's also the social media amplification. Um we also still have some pandemic residual effects. Absolutely. So, you know, uh that skill that interrupted skill development of the social uh interactions is still being ex you know ex experienced.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I mean uh one of the phrases that I really resonates with me about coming out of the pan uh the COVID pandemic is that we experience a pandemic of loneliness. Right? You know, like we were forced isolation. And in some ways that that was really hard for everyone because then when we had to re-enter, there was this fear of getting sick or like, you know, a lot of people you didn't know if you were gonna get the COVID that was just like more like the flu or is actually deadly, you know. And uh so some of my kids became germophobes around that um and still have high anxiety and just prefer to be alone.
SPEAKER_03And then and the other thing I think that they um struggle with with stress management is you can block somebody on your phone. Oh my gosh. And and you know, either you're overly plugged in or you just block somebody when you don't want to deal with them anymore. Well, that's not real distress tolerance skills. That's not conflict resolution. Right. We've got a lot of um uh uh of challenges that we're dealing with that lead to other stress when it comes to social interactions. So um we talked about how you know some of these different these different factors contribute to stress. Um let's talk a little bit, Amanda, about the developmental aspects of stress in adolescence.
SPEAKER_05Yes. We'll explore that after the break.
SPEAKER_00For me personally, I think the difference between feeling stressed and burnt out is stress is more of a temporary feeling because everybody feels stressed sometimes, but burnout is for me more like when I lose motivation for something I have to do, and I feel stressed when I'm burnt out, and I also feel a mix of some other emotions when I feel burnt out.
SPEAKER_05Welcome back from The Break. Now we're gonna talk a little bit, we're gonna start off talking about the differences between our different developmental stages. In middle school, this is where we really start to see the signs of what we might uh understand as typical stress, right? This is where their executive functioning is starting to emerge, their identity is really fragile here, and it's really focused. The stress really um mostly highlights around peer belonging and wanting to fit in. Middle schoolers want to be like Stepford wives. They all want to look the same, you know, type of thing. But and we talked about this in previous episodes where the problem is this is the one stage where nobody looks alike, right? I mean, um, because everybody's changing, developing at different stages. But it's also the first part where they start moving from uh elementary where you're kind of graded on, like meets expectations or exceeds to A, B, C, D, E, F, right? A more traditional grading system, and it feels a lot more high stakes, like everything needs to be an A type of thing, right? And um and also there's this fear of disappointing adults, right? Because adults start treating you a little bit more like adult. You're not coddled like you were in elementary school. Um, there's more expectations, like you need to um you have homework and you need to remember your homework and you need to turn it in, and you know, these types of things that um, you know, they're not necessarily used to. And I know for at least myself as a parent, it was a big pain point because I'm like, why are you telling me about this assignment the day before? Right. Right?
SPEAKER_03Absolutely, that lack of planning. Right. The the one of the things that I think is a problem for um parents to not realize at this stage that might contribute to stress in their middle adolescence is that they have expectations that kids can do these things. And unfortunately, teachers may also sometimes have expectations that kids are good at planning, they're learning this in middle school. So please keep in mind to not expect your child to think about long-term consequences of their homework not getting done or their exams or their grades, or they're expecting perfectionism, uh perfect perfectionistic organizational skills.
SPEAKER_05Right, because really this stage is more about learning how to socially adjust to a new type of thing. Like this is they don't have the same teacher every year, every I'm sorry, every class. They're now changing classes every period and have different like a science teacher and a math teacher and a you know, so they are getting used to a bunch of different people. They usually run a lot more teens. So it's more about like uh uh developing their identity and that social uh component. Um I mean, not that academics aren't important, but it that shouldn't be the focus.
SPEAKER_03And they're very stressed about their their peer relationships during the middle of middle school. Now, if we look at high school, high school stress is gonna be a little bit different. Um we see high schoolers more capable as abstract thinkers, but emotionally they're still developing. Right. So some of the stressors that are gonna spike in uh high school, as we mell well know, are are gonna be around academics and balance. So we see GPAs being much more important to students. They're working on their standardized testing for college, they're very anxious about those scores in many cases, or um anxious about the prep for it. They are carrying um some students are carrying a fairly high honors or AP course load. So they're balancing some high demand academics while they're also trying to be involved in clubs, um, in athletics, and in uh activities. Um and they're making a lot of college comparisons among their peers. Where are you going? Where are you applying at this stage?
SPEAKER_05Um and so Yeah, and and so that's where, you know, kind of going circling back to the beginning of this episode, it can come and show up as like sleep deprivation, um, maybe some anxiety disorders might be starting to emerge, or components of um um obsessive-compulsive disorder or perfectionism um types of coping patterns. All those things can kind of come out um during the stage to try to have a sense of control. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then we move into the college, right? So for college and vocational students, this is where autonomy really increases, and the expectation is that they, you know, launch, right? Launching and they might have some sort of like imposter syndrome of like, I'm supposed to be adult, but I have no idea how to do this.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And I you know, we talk a lot about imposter syndrome um with students because it it's the idea that everyone else knows more than me and eventually I'm going to be found out as a fraud. Dun dun dun. I'm faking it. I'm faking my way through this. So there's a lot of imposter syndrome as we see kids in college comparing themselves to other students and feeling short. Right. Yeah, they they're falling short of what their peers have or are doing. So keep that in mind that that's a piece that um is developmental, um, but it is something that's very real. Um, and then some of the other st uh struggles that students at this stage are likely to have are related around their identity formation as who they are as they're emerging into young adulthood. Um, lots of career uncertainty.
SPEAKER_05Right, like this pressure of like whatever job I or college you know path I choose is what I have to stick with forever.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and there's no going back. Um they also are probably experiencing some burnout right now from years of overperformance. So if they were high achievers in high school and involved in lots of activities, you might be seeing your college student trying to play that same card and it is gonna start cat catching up with them. So we're seeing some uh difficulty maintaining all the uh juggling all the plates, if you will.
SPEAKER_05Right, yeah. And then they're also just you know building their own uh usually a brand new social uh group, right? Too, and relationships and all that that kind of goes into that. So um now with with the young adulthood, now it becomes um I have to succeed independently and the and all of the sudden, man, I have financial stress and it's real. Like I have to start paying back these student loans, I have to get a job that actually supports me ideally. Um, you know, who knows? Maybe they have kids, um, you know, there's this launch anxiety of being independent from their parents, and a lot of things these days are so unaffordable. Like it's $2,000 a month just to rent an apartment in this area. Barely any of us jobs coming out of college pay for that, right? You know, so there's just so much pressure for that um that age group.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I think for perfectionistic teens and even for maybe ones that are aren't as perfectionistic, this is where we really can see burnout surfaces. Right, yeah. With that fear of like hopelessness.
SPEAKER_05Right, yeah. So let's talk a little bit more about stress versus burnout, you know, and Lisa, can you help kind of like in in your words help me understand what is the difference between stress and burnout?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So I think stress, uh when I think about stress, we think it is time limited. So it's tied to a deadline, maybe a very tough week. If you think about your own life, you got lots going on this week, but you can see next week is gonna maybe have a light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, yes. Right? And so it's gotta get through this, get through this week, get through this period of time, and then it'll be light again. Yeah. I just need to do this one all-nighter, and then I'll get my stuff done, and yeah. So, even an example from my own college-age son, he said recently, Mom, you know, I can't really talk to you this week, my schedule's really intense, but next week it's gonna be lighter. Can I give you a call over the weekend? So that's him recognizing this is busy, but I'm gonna have a break.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Um and sometimes that stress can be good for you know, people not not l for long periods of time, but like stress can help you perform at your best. Absolutely. Right.
SPEAKER_03It's giving you some adrenaline.
SPEAKER_05Right, but there's like that tipping point, right? You know, like where it can it when it's sustained longer, um, it can really start affecting you. And so um, you know, help me understand what uh how you define burnout.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think that distinction is pretty critical because some of the signs of burnout, it's is a deeper problem. And that's when we see a loss of motivation. We may see some signs of increased irritability, that kind of jaded perspective of what's the point, maybe some apathy involved, a lot of invoidance or a procrastination for tasks. It just feels overwhelming. Um, and then we may see some increased physical symptoms. Um, Amanda, you talked about this a little earlier in your kiddo, headaches, stomach aches, um, you know, physical symptoms, and then a real decline in performance despite effort. So this is where we're seeing something kind of moving into a deeper layer.
SPEAKER_05So it's really important to understand that um burnout is not laziness, it's actually like this feeling of overwhelmment and like paralysis, like it's a it's the nervous system depletion. Um when teens, and honestly, this feels very real to adults too. Like I'm I'm like relating to this right now, uh to some of this components. Um, but like really losing your motivation and being like, what is the point of being concerned about possible depression? And that's when parents need to step in more actively. You know, stress calls for support, a burnout may require intervention.
SPEAKER_03Yes, yes. So as we think about this, Amanda, let's move into a discussion of what contributes to both stress and burnout, which is a good introduction here to perfectionism and what we think of as the exceptional standard among teens. Oh
SPEAKER_05Please let's talk about this perfectionism component. Um, because this one sneaks in pretty quietly, doesn't it? Yes, it does.
SPEAKER_03Uh perfectionism is often misunderstood as high standards, but clinically it's fear-based. Oh. Yes. I don't like that. Yeah. So think about, let's kind of go through this. So it c perfectionism can develop through conditional praise. So some of these factors of uh what what contributes to perfection is one is being told that you're smart when really you're just um achieving. So that's that conditional praise piece. But I like to tell my kids they're so smart. I know. But this is this leads to a fear of disappointment. Okay. Right? So if I think that I'm only gonna get praised if I'm smart and when I'm achieving and getting good grades, then if I don't get good grades, I'm not smart and not lovable. And I'm disappointing you. Yes. So we kind of have this uh this is a underlying cultivator of perfectionistic. Um and it also, you know, creates some anxiety sensitivity. Um, so that that sense of some kids are just very easily anxious when they're uh and perfectionism helps to relieve some anxiety. If I get it I perfect, I I know that it's right. This pressure shows up differently across the different stages of adolescence, Amanda. So let's let's dig into this a little bit more after we take a short break. Sounds good.
SPEAKER_01I deserve a break to recharge after whatever hardships I've overcome in this period of time. And kind of with that recognition comes the acceptance of the fact that I am experiencing burnout, and I deserve to validate myself and appreciate the hard work that I have completed thus far. And it's important for me to be okay with taking a break and be intentional about my breaks and making sure that I'm using my rest time wisely and making it focused on myself and kind of setting myself up for what's next.
SPEAKER_05So now we're gonna talk a little bit about what do teens wish that parents knew when it comes to their stress? And I think it's we've done um surveys and ta I've talked to a lot of teens about stress and you know, just ask them this question. And believe it or not, the answer is pretty simple and I hear it across age ranges. And that is one that parents listen. They don't try to fix it, they just listen to their teen and try to understand their perspective. Two, that they recognize that whatever stress they're dealing with to them is a big deal. Don't minimize it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, right?
SPEAKER_05You know, don't be like, oh, that's nothing. You know, you know, I have to pay bills. No, like that's whatever's they're dealing with is important to them and so treat it as it's important. Um and third is just to be there for them as they work through it. Don't don't fix it for them, but be there for them and support them. I think those are the biggest things. Listen, um, validate and support.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think it and it is a good point that you say don't minimize it, Amanda, because I think what we see our kids struggling with, it's like, ah yeah, that's that's gonna be a small issue in the big scheme of life, but it's their first time dealing with it. Um and as a first, it is a a critical point for them. Um and so helping them navigate the process of managing the disappointment that comes with um missteps, failures, losses um is really helping us do the most important job I think we have as parents, and it it is teaching kids to be resilient.
SPEAKER_05Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Yeah, I mean, because resilience, what exactly is resilience? Resilience is when things don't go the way that you expect them to, being able to pivot and either make something else great about it or be open to whatever comes out of it, or learning something from it and realizing that you can get through it and you're okay. Yes. Right? And that is something that if you try to fix that problem for them, they're not gonna learn themselves. The hardest thing as a parent is to see your child suffer. But that's how they learn.
SPEAKER_03I mean, because that's life, right? And I think as our as my kiddos get older, and I think even working with lots of teens, they they say to me, I don't want to tell my parents about this because they're gonna start giving me suggestions. And they may not want to do it your way, unfortunately. Um and and they may want to struggle a little bit and figure it out on their own. So we want to give them that opportunity. Yeah. So I think we let's let's take this uh a bit further, Amanda, and talk about what parents um they're probably asking right now, well, what do I do with this? Right, yeah. Right? So let's let's give you some ideas. We have some um we cannot eliminate academic expectations, and we've talked a lot about that in our episode today, how the academic expectations contribute to stress. We don't want to reduce or eliminate academic expectations because growth requires change. But what can we can do is change how we respond to stress at home. So we want to give you some practical ways that parents, caregivers, um, and supporters of teens can help their kiddos build balance, self-compassion, and sustainable motivation without lowering your standards or abandoning your goals.
SPEAKER_05Right, yeah. Um so one of the uh first things that you can do is recognize that your words matter, right? So really sh trying to shift from outcome praise to a process praise. So an outcome praise is I'm so proud of you for getting that A. Here's a hundred bucks to go uh, you know, buy yourself a new outfit. Versus try, you know what? I'm really proud of how you prepared for that test and stuck with it and tried your best. You really put a lot of effort into it. It looks like you learned a lot.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and this this uh wording focuses on the process that the teen took to reach the goal. So you're really praising their effort. So they're feeling like their outcome, their their actions matter to reach a goal.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_03And that's a big shift that can be extremely helpful and and then they don't internalize the the academic outcome.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, because then they're really recognizing like what they did versus just remembering the grade.
SPEAKER_03Right. They're working on planning, persistence, and decision making as part of that. Right. Yeah. Tip number two is model mistake tolerance and healthy coping as a parent. Our teens are taking cues from you and the other adults in their life. They notice their parents, they notice adults, and we are setting the stages for how to problem solve and cope with stress. So I I'd like parents right now to take a moment to reflect on do you take breaks? Do you set boundaries? Do you ask for help? Or do you lecture in overfunction? And I think particularly as moms, we tend to do a lot. Um, and we tend to juggle a lot. So I think having some self-reflection on am I setting good examples? And if not, do I need to get some help on how to manage this better so that I am setting some good modeling for my child.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. I mean, modeling speaks louder than instruction, right? Our kids are always watching. You know, I know that when I am stressed out, I get quiet and irritable. And um, like my kids will sometimes be like, Are you mad at me? I'm like, no, sweetie. I just need you to know that I had a very stressful day at work and I am processing it, and my patience is really short because I'm very tired. But tomorrow everything will be fine, you know? And so, but being able to articulate how I'm managing the stress lets them know uh for themselves that it might be normal if they're experiencing the same thing in the future.
SPEAKER_03The other thing I think we can model is what we call mistake tolerance for your child. So when you make a mistake, you can say out loud, oh, I messed that up. But I am learning from it, and here's what I'm gonna do differently. So they're watching you recover. Right. That's seeing the resilience in action is really helpful.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Or, oops, I I didn't mean to do that, but oh, cool, look at this thing I got now, right? Yeah. Yeah. And uh the other part is encourage like sustainable motivation. So to do this, ask your team what feels meaningful to you, like really listening to them, and what feels realistic to you for this semester? What are your goals and what you'd like to achieve? Um, and where do you need to flex? You know, do you really need to do volleyball, uh club, and basketball, team, and uh three AP classes? Does that feel realistic to you? Or do you want to just focus on one or the other? What's most important?
SPEAKER_03And I think this is so critical that we give our kids, they're probably gonna say, I can do all that. And you and you may want to let them, but when they slip and they realize they're overextended, please don't say I told you so. No, no. We don't like that as parents. We don't like other people to tell us that. It is so much more helpful to say, wow, I I see that you are feeling a little overwhelmed. What do you think you need to do to make adjustments in your schedule?
SPEAKER_05And also don't underestimate the power of downtime. You know, like teens don't need to be busy every single second of the day. They need time to be at home, to be able to relax, to be able to do things that are healthy stress management components, to do fun and play. You know, those are also very important parts of development during this stage.
SPEAKER_03And that's distress um decom decompression from stress. Strategies to decompress and take a break are extremely important. And those are good strategies for our kids to be able to have a party without feeling guilty.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, and also to avoid burnout.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_05Right? We have to have downtime. Yeah. We have to recharge.
SPEAKER_03Agreed. Tip number four is validate before you try to fix. Amanda, you spoke about this a few minutes ago about you don't have to always have to fix it for them. Um, don't tell them you'll be fine, don't worry. That comes across as dismissive. Um, what you can do is validate their feelings. Wow, I know you really wanted that. You really wanted to get that higher grade, you really wanted to make first chair. Um, I'm so sorry. I saw all that effort you put in. I'm so sorry that you didn't get what you were hoping for. Um this this is helping them to feel heard and that you recognize that this was important to them.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, and one of the best things that you can do for a parent is just sitting with them through whatever emotion. Like if they didn't make a certain team and they're really upset about it and they're crying, just sitting with them and letting them know that it's okay to be sad around me. I can take it. And I'm here for you, and we can get through that, and then we'll, you know, we're family, we're always here for each other, right?
SPEAKER_03The other thing this does is it fosters that connection that a lot of parents want with their kiddos. Um it it really fosters connection and allows them to feel safe and that they can explore things with you without feeling ashamed.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_03Because remember, they really don't want to disappoint you.
SPEAKER_05Right. That we love them uh at their best and their worst. Absolutely. And then finally, um we want to support skill development, remembering like these soft skills of resilience and um executive functioning are things that they're just developing, and we really want them to be able to practice in a safe way and recognizing that they're not gonna start off with perfect time management and prioritization of you know whatever activities they have, setting boundaries with friends or activities, um, being able to speak up for themselves, um, having perfect study strategies. They're not gonna do this uh perfectly right away. They have to practice that. And that's where you can kind of model and help them set up like times for uh those areas. Um and this is where you also might want to restrict like um maybe uh like ha taking away their phone at night so they're not on it uh too late type of thing, um, but so that they have structured periods of developing a routine to help them be most successful.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I think as we are helping our kids develop life skills, not just academic skills, um, this process starts in school, but it extends well beyond that. So, you know, for example, teens are involved in extracurricular activities, sports, clubs, organizations, and work. And they have to learn how to balance these demands with their social life and find time to decompress from busy days. And our their parents and their caregivers play a really important role in modeling and teaching life skill development during these formative years.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, this is where we really recommend starting early, you know, starting in middle school, teens can start learning essential life skills, focusing on independence, um, including like doing their own laundry, basic cooking. Why don't you cook with your kids or like cleaning up uh together, like have every uh kid have a chore that they do uh to do the practice life skills? Money managing. Um I know I started in middle school. I was like, okay, for school, this is your budget, so you can buy whatever you want within this budget, but after that, it you know, we're done. Um that helps them like go into a store and be like, do I really want to spend fifty dollars on a t-shirt? Um, or do I want to, you know, go to this other store where I can get you know much more for my money?
SPEAKER_03You know, or do I want to eat this semester?
SPEAKER_05Exactly. Um you can give you know kids like uh debit cards and stuff like that through um you know Cash App or Venmo, whatever, um, that you can kind of control that. Um taking responsibility of cleaning uh their rooms, but also you know, being very specific about what that looks like and setting those um expectations. Um safety and um you know around first aid, you know, uh safety in public when you're um maybe they want to go out downtown and hang out with their friends without any adults. Well, what does that look like and how do you stay safe? You give them that space, but you set the expectations for them. And if they uh violate that, you have to set those boundaries and discipline them and let them suffer the natural consequences. Um those are some of the tidbits that I have.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I think ideally we want to start by having our, you know, kids in middle school, again, like you said, Amanda, we want to start having them manage one task uh and then gradually adding more responsibilities so they're developing a sense of confidence and autonomy, um, which is preparing them for later uh throughout their course of development is and and when they launch, they know how to boil water in college.
SPEAKER_05Right, yeah. And we really want to recommend to parents that they allow their teens to experience and handle consequences like forgotten homework or unwashed clothes to learn accountability. You know, if they wake up in the morning, it's like, my where's my favorite sweatshirt? Well, did you do your laundry? No, well, you're gonna have to find something else today, right? Like those are um things that they have to learn for themselves. If they don't feel the pain, they're not gonna make any changes.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And I think these are small stressors that are manageable stressors in these early stages, but they when they have that consequence of that, um, I don't have my work shirt cleaned for work. Okay, well, I guess what are you gonna do about that? Um, rather than fixing it for them, they learn accountability, they build resilience, and they learn stress management skills.
SPEAKER_05Mm-hmm. Yeah. They are much more likely to remember if they experience something unpleasant, right? You know, just like I said, you know, um uh, you know, discomfort leads to change.
SPEAKER_03Yes, it does. And it's uncomfortable for parents too. Right. So the last tip we want to I'll leave you with here is watching for warning signs. Right, yeah. Stress is a very normal part of life, but we do want to keep watch out for warning signs. And those might look like withdrawal from activities, chronic exhaustion, uh, you know, slipping in hygiene from a kid that's typically pretty on top of those things, not taking care of themselves, not taking care of their body, um, feeling excessively irritable, refusing to go to school, and losing interest in life overall. Is you know, these are all very concerning warning signs that we want to be mindful of.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, because that's when it's more than stress, you know, it's burnout. Your teen may be experiencing um this burnout and displaying these signs of depression. Um, and that's where they really need intervention and professional help.
SPEAKER_03Yes. So if stress does start interfering with daily functioning, like sleeping, eating, relationships, school attendance, that, like you said, Amanda, is when of professional support can be incredibly helpful. And this support can be beneficial for both teens and their parents, um, especially if your child is still living at home.
SPEAKER_05Right. And you really need to re-evaluate like what do they have on their plate? Is all of this stuff really necessary? Um and uh so honestly, uh uh therapy doesn't have to wait till a crisis either, right? You know, just like having um, you know, someone there to help work through that stress all the um time is uh also really help them to be preventative so they don't get to that point. Because it's harder to dig out a burnout than it is just to manage regular stress.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely. And sometimes teens just need someone who isn't their parent, but who's more experienced than a peer to process things with. So that's where we see therapy can be very helpful. Um I'd like to leave parents with this perspective. Most teens we see who are struggling with burnout are not lazy, they are not over uh unmotivated, they are overwhelmed and afraid. And many of our high-achieving teens are operating from a feel of fears of failure, fears of disappointing you as their parents, and also fears of falling behind. And so what they need most at this time is not more pressure, it's relational safety.
SPEAKER_05And teens don't need their parents to remove every stressor. What they need parents to do is help them set realistic expectations to encourage flexibility, um, allow for imperfection, support sustainable pacing, listen to your teen, and also uh check yourself in regards to your expectations for your teen. Do they have time to just play and have healthy downtime?
SPEAKER_03So if your teen is losing sleep regularly, crying about school, with r withdrawing from friends, becoming rigid or self-critical, or saying things like, I'll never be good enough, there's no point, that is not something that they should push through alone. At Conigan Associates, we help teens untangle i anxiety from identity. We work with high-performing students who need tools for sustainable motivation, executive functioning, uh, and healthier self-talk without lowering standards.
SPEAKER_05And at the Alive Center, teens have space to build belonging outside of performance, which is often a powerful antidote to perfectionism. Your teen is more than their GPA, more than their acceptance letters, and more than their productivity.
SPEAKER_03And success that costs mental health isn't success. We're so glad you dropped in to listen today. For more information on this topic, please refer to our blog, which is linked in the description and also posted on our web pages. And we'll see you next time on Inside the Teen Mind.
