Inside the Teen Mind
Inside the Teen Mind is designed for parents, educators, and anyone who cares about teens. Together, we’ll explore the emotional and social world of adolescents—what drives their behavior, how they think, and how we can better support them through the ups and downs of growing up.
Inside the Teen Mind
Episode 7: Supporting LGBTQ Youth
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In Episode 7 of Inside the Teen Mind, we explore what it truly means to support LGBTQ+ youth—not just during the coming out process, but throughout their ongoing development, identity exploration, and mental health journey. We discuss common misconceptions, the emotional experiences many LGBTQ+ teens face, and practical ways parents and caregivers can foster connection, trust, and resilience.
The goal is not perfection. The goal is presence, openness, and a willingness to learn alongside your child.
Read the Blog! This companion blog for Episode 7 of Inside the Teen Mind: Supporting LGBTQ Youth explores how parents and caregivers can better support LGBTQ+ youth through acceptance, emotional safety, and open communication. The blog discusses the importance of affirming family support and its connection to stronger mental health outcomes, resilience, and self-esteem for teens navigating identity development.
Learn practical ways to respond when a child comes out, including listening without judgment, respecting privacy, using affirming language, and advocating for their child in schools and social settings. The blog also addresses common parenting missteps—such as minimizing identity exploration or making the conversation about parental emotions—and emphasizes that supportive parenting is about staying connected, willing to learn, and emotionally present.
Ultimately, the blog reminds families that creating a safe, loving, and accepting environment can have a lasting positive impact on a young person’s emotional wellbeing and sense of belonging.
About Us: Inside the Teen Mind is hosted by Dr. Lisa Konick, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Founder of Konick and Associates, and Amanda McMillen, LCSW, Executive Director of the Alive Center.
Together, they bring a compassionate, real-world perspective to understanding adolescent development, mental health, and the systems that shape teen lives. Through clinical expertise, social work insight, and a shared commitment to supporting teens and the adults who care for them, Lisa and Amanda aim to equip listeners with clarity, empathy, and practical tools to help teens thrive.
Welcome to Inside the Teen Mind, where we explore the emotional world of adolescents and give parents, caregivers, and professionals practical tools to better understand and support teens. I'm Dr. Lisa Conick, psychologist and founder of Conick and Associates.
SPEAKER_00And I'm Amanda McMillan, social worker and executive director of the Alive Center. We're glad you're here for what is a timely, important, and deeply meaningful conversation. One that is not only professionally, but also personally relevant to both of us.
SPEAKER_01Right. Today's episode focuses on supporting LGBTQ teens, who they are, what they're navigating, and how the adults in their lives can become safer, stronger sources of support.
SPEAKER_00This is an important conversation because for many LGBTQ plus youth, identity development unfolds in a world that can feel confusing, invalidating, and at times unsafe.
SPEAKER_01And while adolescence is already a period of self-discovery, LGBTQ plus teens often carry the added burden of navigating that process while also managing stigma, misunderstanding, and fear of rejection. And the data makes this uh uh clear that this population is facing disproportionate challenges. Amanda, tell us a bit about the data. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00LGBTQ plus youth are at significantly higher risk for anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation than their heterosexual and cisgender peers. According to the Trevor Project, 39% of LGBTQ plus youth uh seriously consider attempting suicide in the past year, including 46% of transgender and non-binary young people. And LGBTQ plus youth of color report higher rates than white peers.
SPEAKER_01This is staggering.
SPEAKER_00They are also overrepresented among um youth. Many of them are experiencing um things like homelessness, being in the child welfare system, and disproportionately in the juvenile justice systems where many have histories of trauma, family conflict, and community exclusion. Again, staggering.
SPEAKER_01And and these and you know, it it's interesting to note here too, Amanda, that these outcomes are not because LGBTQ plus youth are inherently more vulnerable. They are the result of these environments that make teens um stressed and they're forced to navigate.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. I would say that these youth are actually stronger, you know, internally more self-confident because they have to hold on to something that feels so true to themselves. And it's an important distinction that uh we'll return through throughout this episode that LGBTQ plus identity itself is not the risk factor. The risk comes from the rejection from family, isolations from communities, uh, stigma, discrimination, and chronic stress that they might be dealing with uh to try to fit in or maybe being bullied.
SPEAKER_01Yes, and Amanda and I can speak personally to a lot of these topics and we'll integrate that throughout our session today. Um, we're gonna break this conversation down into a few key areas for our listeners. We want to help you understand the language that is being used within the LGBTQIA community. We want you to understand a little bit more about the identity development that is occurring within this community, as well as the unique stressors these youth are facing, and most importantly, how adults can provide meaningful support. All right, let's dig in. Yes. Okay. Um let's talk about understanding the sh having a shared language around this, Amanda. There's a lot of terms and it can be very overwhelming for somebody, especially entering into this process for the first time. Um and for many adults, this is often where some of the anxiety begins. They're really afraid and worried that they're gonna say the wrong thing.
SPEAKER_00Right. I mean, we live in a culture that's pretty heteronormative, so you know if you've never had to think about what do all these letters mean, uh, then it can feel pretty overwhelming and uncomfortable. But understanding the language is one of the simplest and most meaningful ways to create safety for your teen. I agree.
SPEAKER_01Let's start with some of these foundational terms, and we'll start by explaining the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. Right.
SPEAKER_00So gender identity is a person's internal sense of who they are in terms of gender. This is how someone experiences themselves internally and whether they feel like they're male, female, both, or neither, or something else entirely different. Gendered identity, like I mentioned, is internal. It's about who someone is, how they identify. Yes.
SPEAKER_01And sexual orientation in comparison refers to someone who is emotionally, romantically, or physically attracted to that that's who you're physically attracted to. So this is about tr more about attraction and relationships. Right. Um it's some who someone may be drawn to, whereas gender identity is about who someone knows themselves to be.
SPEAKER_00Right. And with uh, you know, sexual orientation, they may not be attracted to anyone, and there's a letter for that too. Yes, there is. Yeah, so those are different things, and that brings us to gender expression. Gender expression is how a person presents themselves outwardly through clothing, hairstyle, voice, body language, or behavior. And really, you have to recognize that this is all societal norms. Gender expression is a societal norm and expectation, right? So you may have um a boy uh that identifies as a boy but likes to put on pink uh nail polish or um wear their hair long or whatever. And and people that are uncomfortable with that are those that are really stuck in those kind of gender expression norms. And so that's um um an example.
SPEAKER_01Aaron Ross Powell So Amanda, would you say this is how someone expresses gender to the world? Right. And it may not align with what others expect based on their appearance.
SPEAKER_00Aaron Ross Powell Right. And just uh really it's just about how they express themselves. Like you're dressing how you feel most comfortable, right? Like my colleague likes to wear dresses, I prefer more pants. You know what I mean? Like it's just how I feel more comfortable, like walking around this world. And there's nothing wrong with that. So another term that we often comes up in this conversation is the word cisgender. So can you break down what cisgender means? I will.
SPEAKER_01Cisgender means that a person's gender identity aligns with the sex they were assigned at birth. So for example, someone who is assigned female at birth and identifies as a girl or a woman may describe themselves as cisgender. And and this term is important because it helps normalize that everyone has a gender identity, not just transgender people.
SPEAKER_00I love that you said that because we do, whether you have to say it or not, right? So tell us more what about that. Yeah, so in contrast, transgender refers to someone whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were uh assigned at birth. For example, someone assigned female at birth who identifies as a male might might as identify as transgender. And there are also things called to spirit, which often comes from the Native American culture where people feel like they're both genders. Um it's actually in that culture a very unique and those people are considered you know very spiritual.
SPEAKER_01It sounds lovely actually when you just describe it that way. Yeah. Um so it's important to remember, I think, that transgender is an adjective, not a noun. We say transgender teen, not a transgender. Absolutely. So language does matter. It really does. Um and then there are other gender-related terms that might come up. So let's define some of these for our listeners, Amanda, because there are quite a number of them. All right, let's take these one at a time.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Yes. Okay. So I'll start with the first one. Okay, so non-binary. Non-binary is a person whose gender identity does not fit exclusively into male or female. Yes. They just are they can be both, they can be neither, they're just a person.
SPEAKER_01Yes. And we'll talk about the pronouns that associate in a minute here. So genderqueer is another term you might come across, and that's a broad term for someone whose gender exists outside of traditional categories.
SPEAKER_00And then there's gender fluid, who uh someone whose gender identity may shift. I don't know if you watch um the show Queer Eye on uh Netflix. I don't, but I really have it on my list. Oh my gosh. It is such a heartwarming one. But there are several characters on there, specifically thinking of Jonathan, who wear has a beard uh but often wears dresses and heels, right? And so there's kind of like that gender fluidity uh around um how they present themselves.
SPEAKER_01Sure. And then there's the word agender, which uh is a term that refers to someone who does not identify with a particular gender.
SPEAKER_00Yep. And then there's questioning, someone still exploring their identity because it's not something that just pops up, you know, it's something that you can explore and uh it may fluctuate a little bit. So you're just kind of testing the waters to see what fits best for you.
SPEAKER_01Aaron Ross Powell And the the other term that we see that comes up is intersex. And that would be someone who is born with biological sex traits that do not fit typical definitions or of male or female bodies.
SPEAKER_00And so we really explored like the plus here in the LGBDQ plus because you have the lesbian, gay, bisexual, um, transgender, and and then we also have like pansexual, which is someone uh uh that doesn't care about what someone's gender is in the romantic affiliation. So there's a lot of different terms. And what's most important is that you're just sensitive to how someone identifies and being respectful.
SPEAKER_01Yes. I think not every teen's gonna use all of these terms um or use them in the same way. Right, exactly. Um but it the idea of being open to how are they using them and you know aligning with that. Right. And then there are the pronouns. Yes.
SPEAKER_00Let's go through the pronouns. Yeah. So pronouns um can also feel like one of the biggest points of anxiety for adults, um, but they're actually fairly simple. Okay. Um Let let me jump into this. Okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_01So pronouns are the words we use in place of someone's name, right? We learn this in English class. Some of the common pronouns that we typically are are relatable to are he she, her, he, him, uh-huh, and they them. Yep. Um but there are some others.
SPEAKER_00Right. So they might have they, them, or she, they, he, they, or anything respectful. You know? And there's some uh less common ones uh like z or zer uh that could also be used. Um but basically it's a way that, you know, people communicate how they would like to be referred to. Um and using someone's correct pronouns is not about politics, it's about respect, respecting who they are.
SPEAKER_01Aaron Powell And I want to add here too, you know, I think when we typically this is where a lot of these terms come together because you could s present as someone who appears to be female, but prefer they pronouns. Absolutely. And so that that's something to adjust to. And I think that's where some of this anxiety comes in. Uh and and I think the other piece too is that for many adults, they them can feel grammatically unfamiliar at first because it was previously they had existed as an everyday language for a long term when someone left their backpack or tell them I'll call later. Um so now it may take some practice. It's if it's unfamiliar.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. You know, I think this is actually beautiful because like when I was growing up, I was an LGBTQ teen. And growing up in the 90s, it was not safe. And like there were also very limited buckets of what she could be fit into. You were uh basically the LGBT LGBT. That was it. That was it. There was no plus, right? And um and it was she or her or the he and him, right? Um and so it's actually beautiful that we've um gotten more language to help people identify the diversity of how they present. I think that's actually really empowering. And so I love this. And so one of the most uh the easiest way, okay, so a lot of people are like, well, how do I know what the pronouns are? Don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to make a mistake, okay? Here's the easiest thing uh to find out what someone's pronouns are when you're meeting them for the first time. And I I often do this, you know, like when I'm interviewing like younger people, I'll just be like, hi, my name's Amanda, and I use she her pronouns. How about you? I mean, if you just lead by example, then they know it's safe, right? And you're kind of setting this um uh setting this example for everyone in the room that we recognize that there's diversity and we celebrate it. Yeah, we need to honor it.
SPEAKER_01If you correct yourself, you just say I'm sorry and fix it and and move on. I think the long apologies actually make the other person feel awkward. Yeah, more about you. It's more for you for than for them. And I do think this is something that parents do need, they they talk about in therapy, is their adjustment is getting used to using the pronouns.
SPEAKER_00Right. Yeah, yeah. It just feels weird, but you know what, get used to it.
SPEAKER_01Well, and then you will adjust. And I think it's a lot easier when you meet someone for the first time and you're already set to go with the pronouns they're asking. But if you've known somebody and they're shifting it, it's just an adjustment process.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. Um, and so we talked a little bit about already about the L being lesbian, G being gay, B be bisexual, T transgender, queer questioning. It's the Q. Yes. I is intersex, um, A is asexual or aromantic, which means that they don't um experience romantic feelings for anyone else. Or um they aren't sexually attracted to anyone else. Okay. Um it doesn't mean that they don't want relationships. They're just not um interested in that physical or romantic component of it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I think that's that's been around for a long time. We just haven't had a a a way of describing it, really.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Um so and then the plus is inclusive of like all the other acronyms like we m had mentioned earlier, like pansexual, to spirit, and others. And so for some people, this can feel like a lot of terminology. They often call it alphabet soup. Um but for teens, language can be profoundly validating. And some teens use the word queer. Lisa and I actually had this question about earlier about like, do we use the word queer anymore?
SPEAKER_01I'm glad you brought that up, Amanda, because that is a question that a lot of people and parents will say, can I use that word? Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00And I what I always say is follow the lead of your teen, right? Um but for a lot of people, um queer is kind of been a word that's been taken back. You know, uh for the especially the boomers and older generations, that was like a slur, right? It was a terrible word that was called to people and it was really unsafe. And so it can be really triggering, especially for older generations. But um younger generations are like, you know, I prefer queer because it's just easier than saying LGBTQ plus, right? Um But in this case, we're gonna continue with LGBTQ plus for this um this podcast, but again, just follow the the uh lead of your team. Yeah, thank you, Amanda, for that explanation.
SPEAKER_01Um we also heard the term ally used a lot. And for our purposes, we want to identify allies as persons who do not identify as LGBTQ plus themselves, but actively support, affirm, and advocate for the rights, dignity, and well-being of LGBTQ people. Yes. And now that we've provided an overview of the terms, let's give you a moment to digest all of that information. We're gonna take a short break, and when we return, we're gonna talk more about identity development in youth. Sounds great.
SPEAKER_00Welcome back from the break. Now we're going to talk about identity development and adolescence, specifically the extra layer that LGBTQ plus youth have to go through. And what is typical type of development versus the things that they're thinking about is like, who am I, where do I belong, how do others see me, what feels true to me? I mean, that's the typical thing that every teenager thinks about. But now we add on who's safe to be myself around? Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think exploration is going to be develop me developmentally appropriate for all teens. Right. They're going to be exploring their identity in general. Um, and we talk about that in our first few episodes. But let's talk about the dis the difference between typical identity development and the inaccurate assumption that LGBTQ plus identity is just a phase.
SPEAKER_00Oh my God, I hate that term so much. It's so triggering every time I hear it.
SPEAKER_01I understand that would be for a lot of how invalidating is that to individuals, right? So I think we want to be mindful that all teens are exploring identity and that is normal. Right. Um what's gonna shift over time is how teens understand themselves, how they describe themselves, and what language feels most accurate to them. And that doesn't mean make the experience invalid. It means that they're developing insight and self-awareness.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. I mean, for some teens, identity becomes clear early. They may know as early as three years old. I hear that typically. Um for others, it evolves gradually. And for questioning, it's part of the process. Um I know when I first was uh coming out myself in my early 20s, I was like, I'm gonna try buy first, and it definitely wasn't buy. Um and then for others, uh certainty um comes out later um or quickly. So like I also know people that came out in their 40s. Um you know, actually my wife did. So, you know, and now we're very happy.
SPEAKER_01You know, it's interesting, and I I I think the piece to this too, when we think about coming out and evolving in your identity is societal norms, what are those like in our family of origin? Right, yeah. And then we kind of align with that as a young child. So this process of exploring yourself and your true self could mean that you're deviating. Right. And the safety associated with that is gonna differ across families, across cultures. Um, so I think that's really important to think about um when you're reflecting as parents listening to this. What is the safety in your home with this process? Um and I think it's important to add too that there's no single correct path. Like you just said, Amanda, people are coming to this awareness at different stages of their life and probably based on a lot of their personal experiences.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I I mean, just personally growing up, because of different people that I tried to come out with th since high school, um until my late or mid-20s was when I finally felt safe enough too, because I kept trying to come out and people would reclause me and being like, no, no, no, you just haven't met the right man. Or no, no, no, that's uh you're going to go to hell. No, no, no, no. I mean, like all those kinds of components. And so I try to change myself, and eventually I was like, I can't. I have to live my true identity, and um, you're just gonna have to, you know, accept it or not, you know. But I I could not deny who I was internally. Um, but it was a long process.
SPEAKER_01And trying to deny who you are internally, I mean, we think about that being where the mental health issues come from. Right, yeah.
SPEAKER_00I was super depressed, super anxious, you know. Um and what I, you know, we were talking earlier is like, you know, there's this joke about having a gay dar, you know, being able to see someone. But really what I like to call it actually as a safety dar. Right, as a as a queer person, um I get kind of like this instinct, is this person safe to be my true self around, or do I have to be super guarded? Right? And that's what's been refined over the years. Aaron Powell Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I think if we think about this talk about coming out and exploring, the pathology is related to the stifling of your true self, not necessarily the explorance of who you really are. Absolutely. So I think let's talk a little bit more about coming out. So what what can be different for LGBTQ plus teens in terms of exploration is there is that added risk of safety. And because for many teens it's not just self-discovery, um, we want to really focus on the safety process of the coming out. Um and also kind of it's not just one conversation. Yes, okay.
SPEAKER_00So this is literally every day I have to choose to come out, right? With people that I don't know, right? Um, so especially when I became a parent, and now I know we're talking about teens, but as a parent, I was like, okay, once they started preschool, we know we're gonna be the different family where our kids have two moms, and we're scared are that our kids can be treated differently. Um, almost every form that we filled out, there's a mother father versus uh parent parent. Um, you know, and you know, when you meet Certain friends, and I know that some of my kids' uh friends' parents, once they found out that we were a same-sex couple, then they uh the kid wasn't allowed to hang out with them anymore. That only happened once or twice, but still, it it's something that you're very sensitive to and just goes into again that safety dart of like, hey, um, is this person how are they gonna respond when I share my authentic self? And um, you know, there's also this um heteronormativity where um people just look at you and assume that you're straight. And so, like when I'm talking about like uh you know, I wear wedding ring and people are like, oh, what's your husband do? And I'm like, my wife is blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? And and so like I but I have to decide. If it's someone older, I typically just let it go and just like, yeah, whatever, let them assume whatever they're gonna assume. Um but other people I like to correct them, you know, especially if I think I'm gonna have an ongoing relationship, because again, I'm gonna be my authentic self, you know. But that's be I'm older and I have experience. And for younger kids, this is really hard to navigate because they're experiencing for the first time that risk of social exclusion. Um and then also if they're getting involved with someone else, let's say at junior high, and they're just um, you know, maybe experimenting and they have they, you know, kiss another person that's maybe the same gender, and they're excited about they go to school and tell their friends, but they just outed the other person that might not be there yet.
SPEAKER_01That's a good point.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And then that person could be like freaking out, right? You know, because they're also scared. And so it's just like really complicated when it comes to uh each youth about what kind of um how to be I'm sorry, I'm rambling on a little bit, but what I really want to say is like what's really important as a parent is to help them think about what coming out looks like and um how to allow them to keep the control.
SPEAKER_01Yes, I think that's important because I think about what k kids are questioning. Right. And we get this in therapy, and I've dealt with this with my own son. Um well will people see me differently? Am I going to lose relationships? Will I still be safe at home? Right. Even one parent might be more receptive to another than another parent would be. Um and people have to navigate this. And will I still be loved? Right. That's terrifying for for for teens and for kids to carry alone.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, those are enormous questions for any teenager. And for many adults, coming out can sound like a moment of honesty and relief, and sometimes it is, but also it could be um a feeling of loss. Right. You know, some parents can be really upset or mad, like they might be they might kind of grieve the idea of what their child was going to be in the future. And because and they also recognize that the world isn't the safest for LGBTQ people. Um, and so they might be afraid for their safety.
SPEAKER_01And I could speak as a mom here for a minute, Amanda. You know, when my son was navigating this process, he was in high school and he had a lot of physical symptoms of anxiety, and he did give me permission to share this on this episode, which I respect and appreciate. I did get his permission. Um, he was sick and he didn't we had a lot of school anxiety, a lot of school avoidance, because his perspective of fear was, am I gonna lose my friend group? How are people gonna respond? Um, and then also how are we, how did he how will I respond? Right. How will I respond? He didn't want me to know the reasons for his distress. Um, finally we came to a safety space where we could talk about it, but then it was also like, how do you want to navigate? Like you said, giving the control to the other person. Who do you want to know? Who do you not want to know? This is your journey. I'm here to support you on your journey, um, but also being respectful that there are certain people in the family that he might not feel will be supportive and he chooses not to share that with.
SPEAKER_00Right. Yeah. So he starts with you, but then there's like, what about dad? What about grandparents? What about that uh super religious uncle that you have, you know? Like, who do we choose to share with and who do we not?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and there were actually people in the family where I was concerned.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, luckily, when we put it out there, they were like, oh, okay. That's great. Yeah. I kind of figured one of them kind of figured was one of them. I mean, this is the son that said when he was what five um he wanted Barbie doll for Christmas. And family members were like, Are you gonna get him a Barbie doll? I'm like, Yeah, I'm gonna get him Barbie doll. And he looked at me and he says, Mom, sometimes I like boy stuff, sometimes I like girl stuff. Yeah. That's one of our favorite stories, because it's like, yeah, if you want it, you what's the problem? Right. You're not hurting anyone. You know? Let him explore. So uh yeah, let's talk a little bit more about the environmental issues.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I let's so this is what is going on, right? You might think, okay, what's this not safe thing, right? So let's dive into this. So, first of all, you had just mentioned this, there's this huge fear of family rejection. Rejection, right? Risk of conflict. If they uh don't kick you out of the house, but maybe they're just like super upset and they're always disappointed in you now, or they just can't see you this uh same way. There might be emotional withdrawal. Um, and uh some of them might become physically violent and uh or become homeless, right? So that's a big risk. Or also can you bring your partner home to meet your parents.
SPEAKER_01Right. That might not be acceptable for some families, and that's gotta be very devastating. Um the other thing I think about is peer bullying and social exclusion. That can happen in many environments, not just the school environment, but at work or in the community where you live. There can be verbal harassment, there can be cyberbullying or physical intimidation or assault.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. And then for our kids, school-based discrimination, right? There could be lack of supportive staff that misgender or refuse to uh use the child's uh preferred name. Um and so that can feel very invalidating and is of a type of microaggression. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And we also talked a bit a little bit m uh about mental health impact. So that internalized stigma if responses are negative and repeatedly negative. And if you're coming out every time you meet new people, you're being, you know, re experiencing that fear and anxiety repeatedly. It can transition into some real mental health challenges like depression, anxiety, social anxiety, um, OCD, things of that nature.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um I just want to jump into also the cult uh community or cultural consequences, right? We live in communities, so faith communities or cultural communities. Um there can be a lot of stigma um in especially some countries people flee because they can be killed for being queer. Yes, right. You know what I mean? And so like that's a cultural component um that is really literally life or death. Dangerous.
SPEAKER_01And I also think about the uh uh religious trauma.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01Um, like you said, like this, you're gonna go to hell.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01This is wrong. It's against our religion. Um, and then there are people that are very faith-based, that are having a hard time, you know, they want to find a religious community that is accepting that will marry them.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, or recognize their bond. So I think there's a lot of trauma-based um factors that go into this process of being authentic.
SPEAKER_00Right. Yeah. So I think that really uh covers uh a lot of what is kind of like surrounding that may not be able to articulate, but are really the things that they're worried about, you know?
SPEAKER_01Aaron Ross Powell, yeah, and I think this is the other piece of coming out should not be treated like a performance. Right. It's not an announcement, a one-time thing, or or a debate. It's really an act of vulnerability if we really think about it. And how people respond in that moment matters very deeply. Um let's, Manda, let's talk about this more in the context of some of the unique challenges that are faced by LGBTQ youth outside outside of this.
SPEAKER_00Right. So beyond what we just discussed, right? Um what are other some of the um environmental factors that contribute to risks of higher mental health challenges? Is again, it's not because of who they are, it's because of what they experience. So um I talked a little bit about um youth facing heteronormativity and cis normativity, and this is the baseline assumption that everyone is either straight or their gender identity matches their assigned sex at birth. Okay. Um that is, again, something I face every day, right? Um then there's also microaggressions and everyday language like that is so gay. Or misgendering or refusing to use correct pronouns or using someone's dead name. Um that's especially for transgender people. If they um have transitioned and uh found a uh a new name that represents who they are, and people refuse to call them by that and then use the name that was on their birth certificate, that is so insulting. Yeah. Um and that's uh you know what I'm referring to.
SPEAKER_01I'm glad you brought that up because not everyone may know what a dead name is. Yeah. And that's what that's referring to. There's also, as we mentioned, bullying, harassment, and social exclusion. Um and then a lack of representation and and visibility.
SPEAKER_00Right. Um you know, representation is so important. That's what I like to say. Um an unsupportive or inconsistent adult response is like ignoring biased language or minimizing concerns. I'm especially thinking about like um schools or coaches. Um I mean it can be parents too, but like this is um, you know, uh in those kind of uh environments where youth have less control um when those things happen it can be very hurtful.
SPEAKER_01And Manda, you mentioned and and we talked about family and cultural messaging with negative comments of LGBTQ plus people. And this kind of stress really accumulates for individuals in general. But particularly for kids that don't have a lot of strategies or safety to cope with these issues, and they may be dealing with it for the first time. So when teens are repeatedly told directly or indirectly that who they are is unacceptable, controversial, or invalid, those messages do not stay external. They will become internalized over time. And that can look a lot like shame, anxiety, hypervigilance, depression, um, withdrawal, self-suppression. Um so I I just want to highlight that our external environments shape internal identity, notably.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and and just kind of validate what you just said. I mean, um, you know, you you you know shared for yourself like what it was like having your son struggle so much when he came out. And I think as a parent the hardest part, and we kinda talked about this, is that you don't have control over that, right? It's something they have to face alone and you just have to support from the sidelines. Yeah. Even though you're a supportive parent, they are still facing all these external things.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I worry about that often. I mean, he's away at school. Yeah, we worry about safety in our kids in general when they're not home. This adds another layer to that to that concern.
SPEAKER_00And I just I can't go throughout this episode without saying that many LGBTQ plus youth today are growing up in a climate um, well, we kind of regressed, right? In the 90s it was real bad when I was coming out. I feel like it got pretty uh better, but it's starting to regress again, especially transgender identities are publicly debated in ways that can feel deeply personal and destabilizing, like restrictions on bathrooms or sports participation, dress codes that reinforce gender norms, um, putting biological gender on state IDs and passports, et cetera. Yeah. I mean, I remember one time going to a um a baseball game with a friend of mine um with our kids. And my friend happens to be transgender, but they hadn't fully transitioned yet. And so they still physically represented um their biological gender. And we were there and they're like, Oh, I really have to go to the bathroom, but I don't feel safe going to the bathroom here because I can't go into the restroom that I choose because I'll get harassed. And so they just had to hold it and wait until they got home. Yeah. Isn't that sad? It's very difficult. You know, I never would have thought about that.
SPEAKER_01I think we don't think about that. Um I I think the other things that affect our youth are they're hearing a lot of arguments about names, pronouns, and identity. They're hearing arguments and concerns about access to care and whether the people who are like them should be recognized or affirmed. So even if they're not directly involved, they're still absorbing these messages. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00And for chan transgender youth in particular, there's often the painful experience of erasure. The repeated message that their identity isn't real should not be acknowledged or should not be accommodated accommodated. That creates significant stress in schools, healthcare settings, peer groups, and public life. I mean, we have people in um our downtown community that are trying to raise controversy, holding up signs uh that are anti-trans, and it's it's really gross.
SPEAKER_01Um, and when these and young individuals are constantly managing these messages, it is really exhausting. Yeah. It is very exhausting and um really has an impact on their emotional well-being. So let's share some uh care insights about how parents and caregivers can provide support to LGBTQ plus teens. And we're gonna cover this topic after taking a short break. All right. Welcome back from the break. We want to move now into talking some more about providing support to LGBTQ plus teens. And while this might seem complicated to some adults who are navigating this process, the good news is that support does not require perfection. It requires intention, consistently, consistency, and willingness.
SPEAKER_00You do not need to have all the right language immediately. You do not need to understand every identity term overnight. Honestly, it changes every day. Um you do not need to get everything right the first time. What's most important is that you show up and love and celebrate your kid in the ordinary moments.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I would totally agree with that. And I think affirming support is really communicated in everyday language, right, Amanda? Absolutely. So let's give examples of what that might sound like. So an a really important example might be, would you like help navigating this or would you prefer I follow your lead?
SPEAKER_00Right. Or you could say, wow, uh we do not and and I'm not referring to the coming out, but just like in the day-to-day things that they're navigating, thinking like, wow, you don't have to figure this out today, but I'm here for you and you let me know what you need.
SPEAKER_01And I think just saying how can I support you right now when you're seeing your c your child being stressed or recognizing they're stressed, and these responses will communicate safety rather than interrogation. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_00And it keeps the control in their court. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That kind of humility goes a long way. Yeah. And and I would say remember that your teen's identity is not a rejection of your parenting. It is not a statement about your values, and it is not something that is actually happening to you. It's about who your child is. Ooh, that's deep. And we talked a little bit about the grief, Amanda, that you are likely to experience as you envision that your child is a different person than you might have thought when they were a little kid. And and that, but their story is still can be pretty amazing.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. At the end of the day, the majority of parents just want their kids to be happy. And when your kid feels safe to be their true selves and celebrated by that and loved by their parents unconditionally, that is the core of what brings happiness.
SPEAKER_01And I do think as a sidebar here, Amanda, you talked about your own journey a bit and having you can still be a parent, you can still have grandchildren, you can still have a wedding. Yeah. You know, all those things. You can have a great job. Absolutely. So I think as a parent, when you feel like you might be mourning these things, you're really celebrating a different version of it. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I think that's really, really great. So it's important for adults to depersonalize and just have create more room for connection. Remember that they're still your kid. They're still that funny, creative, anxious kid.
SPEAKER_01They're still figuring out friendships. They're still figuring out who they want to become in the future and where they want to go in life. Um, and those are all the parts I think as parents we want to protect.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. Ultimately, your job as a parent is to support and celebrate who your child is today. And this shows up in your actions. So it's time to put on your big person, ally pants, and learn what it means to be a real parent ally.
SPEAKER_01I think this is an important piece, Amanda, because we hear the word ally a lot, but it really is important to think about how to be an affirming ally. So, and and this could be a parent or a caregiver or a family member or a teacher or a mentor. There are so many people that can be allies to our teens. Absolutely. So let's talk about what that kind of entails when we think about being a good ally.
SPEAKER_00So, in addition to things we already talked about in regards to that emotional safety and helping your child feel secure in who they are and that you're going to love them no matter what. As a parent, these are things that you can do to be a good ally. First of all, do your own research. Read books, uh, listen to podcasts, watch movies, watch TV shows, listen to music. I mean, however you like to get your content, there's plenty of stuff out there now that is easy to find for parents to learn about the different identities, the genders, um, and you know, even who does your kid relate to? Like, do they have a favorite performer or someone? Just, you know, be figure out why they connect to that person.
SPEAKER_01I want to add to that, Amanda. When my son was going through this process initially in high school, and he's in college now, so we're in a different stage of this process. But one of the things we did together was there is a lot of amazing LGBTQIA movies on Netflix. And we watched a lot of these stories, and a lot of them feature queer kids. Yeah. And in their real life, the trans kids, you know, there was a lot of romance and typical adolescent identity development that they're experiencing really showing up. Yeah. And we talked about how do you experience this? Do you have this in your school, in your group, in your social group? Um, it really did allow us to have really important and meaningful conversations. I love that.
SPEAKER_00That is so great, Lisa. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Um, the other thing is um make sure that your child has a safe community where they can be completely themselves. Um, like uh making sure they have access to some sort of pride club or going to a pride events or parades and organizations. This is being released in June. So there's definitely tons of pride things happening in June all over. And a lot of, especially in the suburbs, at least where we are in the Chicago area, most of the pride events in the suburbs are very family friendly. So going with them and hanging out and just um, you know, showing, and that's where you can find all the uh queer friendly resources out there um for you and your family.
SPEAKER_01There's also a lot of um supports in some of the school systems. They have clubs, they have groups where they have allies. Um I think that's a great community to be supported with in the school setting because our kids spend a lot of time in school. Um and then there's also, you know, conferences in the area. So I know there's a organization locally that has a uh a conference of LGBTQ plus, and those are things that could be helpful for parents who want to educate themselves.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. Yes, those are great. Um another thing is is uh speak up and speak out. When you hear people using derogatory terms uh or anti-LGBTQ, say something. Don't just let it pass. Let them know that this is not okay. Um, because they'll only change um if someone uh, you know, change comes from discomfort. And so you know, like let them know that this is not okay and this affects you personally and you're gonna speak up and speak out for your child. That's a powerful message. It is.
SPEAKER_01And I think you even mentioned this earlier when people used to use terms like, oh, that's so gay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um and we don't always realize, I think people when they don't always realize that can be offensive to someone in the room.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I I always say I counter that be like, what what do you mean by that? Like what word are you using to replace the word gay? Like stupid, um weird, like what? Are you saying gay people are that? Like and like usually that shuts it right down.
SPEAKER_01But I think having people be aware that these are things that are if you're standing by, your child is gonna be uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_01And they may not feel comfortable speaking out.
SPEAKER_00And so if you speak up for them then or at least in general, you don't have to out them. With that, but just say that, dude, that's not cool. And how how validating is that when somebody sticks up for you? Absolutely. And then uh for parents, uh also there's resources um such as organizations like P FLAG. So P FLAG stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, and this has been around for decades, um, I think since the 80s. Um, and there's support groups for families that have kids in the LGBTQ community as like a support group. And there are chapters everywhere. So you can always look online for uh P Flag and you can find a chapter near you if that's something you're interested in.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, thanks, Amanda. And I think these are some really good options for parents. Um and so in conclusion, I mean, we've covered a lot of topics today as it relates to LGBTQ plus youth. Um I think in closing, what we'd like to say, um teens LGBTQ plus teens do not need perfect parents. They do not need perfect language, they do not need perfect allies. They need adults who are willing to listen, learn, and stay connected.
SPEAKER_00That's right. When a young person feels seen, respected, safe, and celebrated and loved, their outcomes improve. Not because their identity changed, but because the environment around them did, and they have a space that is safe to be themselves.
SPEAKER_01I love that you use the word celebrated, Amanda. That that is uh a way of thinking about it that is just very positive. Yeah. Um and that support can really be life-changing for youth. Um so we want to close by saying if your teen is navigating questions around identity, belonging, they're having anxiety or emotional uh safety concerns, uh support matters, and they do not have to navigate this process alone. At Condigan Associates, we have queer affirming therapists who provide specialized support for LGBTQ teens and their parents, offering a safe, supportive space to explore identity, strengthen communication, and navigate this process with greater clarity and connection.
SPEAKER_00And at the Alive Center, teens every day have access to a safe, affirming community where they can connect with their peers, build relationships, and show up as their authentic selves in a space designed to foster belonging. We also do facilitate teen-led pride groups and camps at our center, specifically targeting the middle school and high school youth, to have a core group where they can just be themselves and reminisce about the things they're dealing with. Yeah, it's a very awesome space.
SPEAKER_01Um so whether your teen needs therapeutic support, community connection, or both, there are affirming spaces available and reaching out can be the first step.
SPEAKER_00Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Inside the Teen Mind. If you'd like more information on this topic, please check out our blog, which is posted in the show notes. Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of the teens in your life.
