Asking for What You Need Doesn't Have to Feel Like Begging

Asking for help, support, respect, or clarity isn’t a weakness—it’s a healthy part of life. So why do so many people feel guilty for speaking up? 

In today’s episode, we explore the difference between healthy communication and unhealthy patterns of over-explaining, over-pursuing, and seeking validation from people who have already shown us their level of willingness. If you’re ready to communicate with confidence and stop shrinking your needs, this episode will give you a new perspective.

Transcript

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I'm your host Tierra and welcome to Rooted Thoughts Podcast. We are back with an all-new episode, and I am really excited to talk to you guys about this particular episode. Well, I always get excited for episodes, especially when it's talking about something that I have dealt with in my own personal life because it's just a little bit more meaningful. So on this particular episode, we're actually going to be discussing begging versus asking for what you need. Have you ever found yourself not willing to ask for what you need because it felt too much like begging? Me too, child, me too. So the thing is, society often praises independence so much that people feel guilty for asking for anything. But if I'm being honest, I can't put it all on society because some of us actually do it to ourselves. And when I say some of us, yes, I'm including myself in that because this is something that I've had to deal with and learn from and overcome as well. Some of us develop this belief very early on that we can only rely on ourselves, which then caused some of us to become hyper-independent adults. But in case you didn't know, I'm gonna go ahead and tell you right now, you are not weak because you have needs. And asking is a healthy life skill. Though you guys know that I do like to keep it short and sweet. However, I do want you to walk away from this episode. Well, I don't know why you would be walking away from the episode. That sounds crazy. But anyway, you know what I mean. I want you to leave this episode being able to ask your boss or your supervisor for clarification when you don't understand something. I want you to be able to ask your doctor questions about your care. I want you to be able to ask a friend for support when you need that. I want you to be able to ask for help when you feel overwhelmed. And I want you to be able to ask for opportunities and not just let them pass you by. And the reason that I want you to be able to do all these things is because having healthy relationships and workplaces and communities requires a healthy communication. And a part of healthy communication is asking for what you need and not expecting someone to automatically know what it is that you need. You are listening to Real Thoughts Podcast with your host, Tiara. Follow and leave me a review. So let's break down what makes asking different from begging. Asking is honest, respectful, it provides clarity, it gives the other person space to respond, which also means accepting that no is a possible answer. But most importantly, it protects your dignity. But now, begging, on the other hand, begging can be constantly having to repeat yourself or trying to convince someone to care. It's also over-explaining, it's ignoring repeated patterns, it's feeling desperate for validation and negotiating your own self-worth. The biggest difference isn't just the words that you use, it's whether you are communicating your needs or just trying to force someone else's willingness. So, how do people slip into that begging place? Because it doesn't just start with begging automatically. For some people, hearing the word no feels so unbearable. So they keep asking the same thing in different ways, hopefully or hoping to get a different response or any response at all. And there are some people who actually have a scarcity mindset and think that if they don't get a certain opportunity, then they will never get an opportunity. Or if this person says no, then no one will ever tell them yes. And there are some people who learn or were taught that no one is coming to help. So you have to do everything on your own. And though sometimes I do sort of agree with part of that statement. And when I say I agree with part of it, I'm referring to the part that learning how to rescue yourself, basically. But I can also say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having someone, especially a circle of support, to help you along the way when you are going through certain things. And then there are also some people who slip into begging because they over-identify with the outcome. You have to be open to the outcome also being no. That way it does not feel like a personal attack on you when someone tells you no. But there can also become a time in which you have to recognize when you already have your answer. One of the hardest truths is that sometimes people answer with their actions instead of words. This is why I always tell people to pay attention to actions more than you listen to what someone is telling you. And I'm speaking on this from a place of experience because it took me a very long time to learn and to practice this myself. It will help you out so much in life once you learn and realize that silence is an answer. But even if you experience these unsaid answers, that doesn't mean that you have to shut down and stop advocating for yourself. It just means that you have to stop investing your energy where there is no willingness. Ooh, y'all heard that? I sound like a preacher, don't I? But on a serious note, there are cases in which it is appropriate to be persistent. For example, if you are doing something such as appealing a decision, negotiating a salary, seeking medical answers from a provider, or requesting accommodations through the proper channels, those are situations that you do want to be persistent in. The difference in these examples is that you are pursuing a solution and not just pleading with someone who's an unwilling person. So, what does respecting yourself look like while also asking for your needs? I'm gonna tell y'all a quick story or lesson that I learned about in therapy last year, right? So I was in therapy, and I think something that had come up was this exact thing that we're actually talking about on this podcast. Um, which, and we were talking about, I guess I may have said something to her like, sometimes I don't ask for stuff because I don't like to seem like I'm begging for something when it doesn't get done. And so she, you know, she kind of asked me to explain why do I feel like it's begging when I ask for something. So I explained to her the reason why. And so the tool that she gave me was she told me to set a limit for myself, a limit for how many times that I'm willing to ask for that particular thing, whatever it is, before I find a different solution. And she said, for example, her number is I think it was like three or something like that. And so I said, okay, I think I set my number at two, if I'm not mistaken. But the way that it went was when I need to ask for something, I ask that first time and I give it time to get done. You can't just ask for something and say, do it immediately, unless it's emergency, of course. So I ask that first time and I give it time enough for it to get done. Whatever that looks like, it depends on what it is I'm asking for. So if it's not done by that time period, I then will go back and ask again, just for a reminder and just in case a person forgot, because people are capable of forgetting it, I forget things all the time. So I go back and ask a second time, like, hey, you know, can you do X, Y, and Z, whatever it is. And after that second time, that's when I started finding a different solution. Because I always tell people there's always more than one solution. And when I say that worked for me so well, because for one, it stopped me from feeling like I'm begging by having to constantly ask for something. And you know what? If I'm actually remembering correctly, it may have been three was my number. Because I believe on that third go around, that's when I would kind of ask one final time and say, like, hey, you know, I asked you to do X, Y, and Z. If you're gonna do it, could you please have it done by such and such date? If not, then I'll just figure something else out. And like I said, it worked for me very well. Not only did it work for me, my therapist at the time also told me that this is a tool that you can actually give your kids. So I had to actually give my daughter the same tool because she was having the same feelings and everything like that. And so I had to tell her the same thing like, hey, set yourself a number. Three is my number. You can do three if you like. You ask for somebody for something, you can ask again just to make sure they heard you or understood you or just to make sure they remembered. And if you want to, you can do one final time, depending on what the situation is. And after then, don't ask anymore. We will figure out another solution. And I can say it worked for her too, and she's only 12. So I say all that to say that asking for what you need is not a weakness, and neither is it begging. But there does come a point when protecting your peace and your self-respect means accepting that not every person, place, or situation can or will give you what you're asking for. And when that does happen, your next step isn't always to ask louder, sometimes it's to act somewhere else, seek another path or release what's no longer serving you. I'm your host, Tierra, and this is Rude Thoughts Podcast.