Momfuel & Mindset - Episode 14: Single Parenting

Single parenting comes with a unique set of challenges. The responsibility, the pressure, and the strength it takes to keep everything moving forward on your own. In this episode of MomFuel and Mindset, we talk honestly about the realities of single parenting, the emotional and mental load that often goes unseen, and the mindset shifts that can help single parents stay grounded while raising their families.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We're back. It's your mom friends. I'm Chrissy. And I'm Jess. And today we are talking to the single parents. Single parenting comes with a unique set of challenges. The responsibility, the pressure, and the strength it takes to keep everyone moving forward on your own. In this episode of Mom Fuel and Mindset, we talk honestly about the realities of single parenting, the emotional and mental load that goes unseen, and the mindset shifts that can help single parents stay grounded while raising their families. You've talked before in previous podcasts about doing the first decent portion of the older kids' childhood on your own. Will you talk to us a bit about the struggles, the things that you came across, maybe that being a single parent really being a young single parent too? Like that's you add that piece into it as well. It came with a bunch of unique challenges.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Yeah, for sure. And I was also a first-generation college student. So I was learning how to be an adult, go to college, and be a parent all at the same time. I had no clue what I was doing. None. In fact, when I had my first son, my first child, you know, I I have to say, I say all this to say I had an a fantastic village, and I could not have been the mom that I was or raised my kids as well as I did without them. So I say I was a single parent, and I was a single parent with a hefty village that was always there for me and my kids. So super thankful. We'll always be so grateful for that. But you know, the struggle between getting yourself up to go to work, getting your kids off to daycare, paying for daycare, paying the bills, you know, picking them up, going to the sports, planning sleepovers or whatever, birthday parties, all the things that come with the expense of being a parent, the ongoing just work of being a parent, figuring out how to be a parent. I remember going back to work after I had Travis, he was six weeks old, and it was horrible. And I was like, I have to work, like I can't not work. And I think you talked about that, Jess, in our you know, former our prior podcast. That was my reality. I had to work. I didn't have the ability to stay home, and I don't know that I would have either because I'm definitely a career mom and I don't have any shame associated with that. And it was really hard, and I would have liked to take more time off. Now I did get a full 12 weeks with my girls, and that was a different, different experience for me for sure. But I have to say, you know, relationships, I just wasn't in a good space. Relationships were just not working, and I knew that I I couldn't get it, it wasn't, it wasn't an option to give up. I had to be the best person I could be for my kids. I remember filing taxes every year, and I used to get pretty good tax return. I mean, I would put that away so I could take them on a vacation in the summer because I was like robbing Peter to pay Paul, living paycheck to paycheck, barely making ends meet, and I never had any extra to take them anywhere. So what I would do is put that tax return away so I could take them somewhere in the summer. And so we used to travel to the beach or to an amusement park or whatever the case was for a few nights together because I was able to put that money aside. Because I was such a young mom and I had a lot of responsibility thrown at me. I learned how to budget like the best. And so I still to this day budget the same way I did when I was 18 years old. I have a paper and pencil, and I put a line down the middle, and I have my first check and my second check and all the bills that each check is paying, and that's just how I budget. I've brought that skill with me since I was 18 years old, and I've always been a master at managing my money because you know, when you don't have any, you really have to be careful. So, and I didn't really learn a lot about finances as a teenager, how to manage all of that stuff. So I was learning that too. I was I was learning all of it, and I've made some pretty hefty mistakes financially as well as a as a single mom and trying to figure out how to do all the things. And I used to have a lot of shame associated with that too, but I've done a lot of work to let that go. And I truly believe that I am and always will be the best like version that I can be. I will always strive to be the best version that I can be for my kids, for my family. Sometimes it's good enough, sometimes it's more than good enough, sometimes it's not. And recognizing that asking for help has been a huge thing for me. My kids had an auntie and uncle and a Grammy and Papa growing up, and they just their core support. And then my parents were meme and Pepe. They moved probably 14 and a half, 15 years ago. Before that, they would help, you know, pick up the kids or whatever. And they used to do a snack buffet with my kids. And when they did a snack buffet, it was like all processed like donuts and chocolate and all the things, and then they wouldn't come home and eat dinner or whatever. And my parents, you know, my dad since has passed, but my mom still giggles about that. I was very lucky with the support that I had for them for sure.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

So being a young single mom, you almost like grew up with your kids. Like you were a young mom, you had these kids young, and you're a single mom and you're kind of going through life and you're learning with them. So like you're growing as they're growing. Do you find, did you see any difference in the relationship with those kids? Like, was it more of like you leaned on each other, or were you able to still differentiate being like a mom who's learning as she goes while also parenting and disciplining these kids? Because I'm assuming like that would be very different than raising Emily in that you were in a completely different phase of life.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

So I think the difference so one I was a very, very, very strict mom, very strict. And I think it was partially because of the work that I was doing, and I saw some pretty heavy stuff. So I felt the need to protect my kids. I started for child protection when I was 24 years old, and I saw some pretty heavy stuff during that time, and so I just felt like I needed to protect them. In that sense, I was always very much their mom. Yes, growing up, growing up with them per se, but really I always knew like I'm their mom. I set the rules, they have to respect me, and always really we've we've always been that way, and we still are now as their adult children. The difference between them and Emily, I would say, is I'm just not in survival anymore. I'm not an on autopilot every single day. I'm more present and available, and I'm not reaching out to my village as much as I had to. And I'm in a healthy marriage, and we're not living paycheck to paycheck, and we're able to take vacations without having to chuck away tax money. So that is a very different experience for Emily than what it was for Maddie and Trev.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

Which, okay, so I love that you said that because I do think that sometimes we struggle with when you're in survival mode, like having your kids going through that with you, you almost want to protect them from that survival mode. So you try, and I know a lot of moms try and want to just love their kids through it, want to make sure that they don't, you know, and sometimes that comes with feeling like you say yes more than you should, or you give in more than you should, or you, you know, you do things based off of what you think is going to help protect them from this struggle that you're going through. And I love that you said you were a mom first because it is important to, you know, set those boundaries and you know, really you're raising these kids and and a lot of that comes with being able to set boundaries and say no and do all those things to help them grow into functioning humans. And it is hard. I know, like, so I don't have a I don't have like a single parenting whole full-fledged journey, but there was a stint. Jimmy and I separated for three years. And although I don't feel like I ever was single parenting because we did work really well together during that time, despite our differences, the kids were always first, you know, despite what we had going on personally, relationship-wise, uh, making sure the kids we were on the same page for the kids was something that was super important to both of us. So we still made decisions that, you know, affected both houses and, you know, things like that when it came to like discipline and just doing things with them and whatever. We were definitely on the same page. Because at the end of the day, my the goal for me, I was I went through my parents' divorce when I was younger. And I remember it like it was yesterday. And there's so many pieces. And I so told myself, like when Jimmy and I separated, I'm not putting my kids through this. Like, I'm not putting them through what my brothers and I went through because it did leave a lasting impression. And I do, I did not want them to have to go through parents hating each other and things like that. And so it was really important for me to see, have them still see us be a team. We will always be a family no matter what, despite what mom and dad looks like. And so I but I did find that there was pieces of me that wanted to like give in and say yes, and yes, you can stay up because I felt guilt of these kids are going through something that they didn't sign up for.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

Yeah, yeah, I all of that. I um couple things. I I mean they I was a co-parent. So, and it very similar to what you just said, Jess, is they always came first. So no matter what my feelings were about anything, they never knew it, you know, and they didn't know I was robbing Peter to pay Paul. They didn't know that I was tight on money, they didn't know that. They knew that we took a vacation every summer. They, you know, that that that so I was a single parent, yes, and I was also a co-parent. And so, you know, co-parenting is a whole other beast. And of course, when two people are co-parenting and you could put the kids' needs first, everything is so much better. Yeah, and when I mean there were times where like things were eating me alive, right? And I was struggling, I was a hot mouse, I was struggling pretty badly. My kids didn't know that. And so sometimes when we're so angry and resentful and mad about whatever happened, we can't put that aside and we end up putting our kids unintentionally in the middle. It only does further harm. And so, because of my experience in the mental health and social work field, along with my education, and then of course, lived experience, I was able to navigate that to the best of my ability. And thankfully, I was able to raise pretty healthy, emotionally healthy children. That's not all the always the case, though, for folks that are co-parenting. And so, you know, I understand the difficulties of single parenting and also co-parenting, right? Like those two worlds can coexist and they're both very difficult. And I understand.

SPEAKER_00 11:14

Yeah, I I I just wrote down controlling what you can control. Like there's so many, uh, you know, I I do feel for the for the single moms or single, you know, single dads, it can be too as well, who struggle in that co-parenting piece, right? Like being a single parent is hard enough with the financial strains, but managing the household, making sure that the kid, you know, everything. Jimmy was Jimmy was out of town for four days this week. And I was a I was a single parent for four days, and I'm like, man, I was reminded how difficult this is. Like, I give you guys so much credit because it making, you know, more I work early in the morning, so Jimmy kind of handles the mornings, where then I'm done with working by the time, you know, when the kids are done with school, so I do like the afternoon stuff and managing both while managing my work plus the stuff around the house, it was just like it felt impossible. And it was like I do not have the systems in place to be able to do this and do this well. It was very much a reminder that like I rely on him, I really do. We we tackle stuff together, and so to the moms who don't have that, like I feel for you, and and you have to have good systems in place to be able to do it all and do it well, and so that is something that should be championed. Like you you you really are incredible to be able to do that. And if you don't have a good co-parent relationship or a good support system in that you're working together for these kids, that does stink. And I like I do feel terrible in that, you know, but you can only control you. And that's the the moms who are in the position where they don't have a good co-parenting partner or you know, different, you know, situations come up because of it. You can only control you. Like it speaks to your character, how you react, the things that you're able to do. It's the only thing that you can control is yourself. And there are pieces that you can work on so that you can release a little bit of the weight that comes with carrying that. Maybe it's not what you hoped it would look like. Maybe the situation is not what you had wanted or what originally intended. Maybe your goal is to have a good co-parenting relationship and it's not reciprocated. There's so many things that are out of your control, right? And can we can relive it, we can stress over it, we can grieve it. These are all things that are very normal feelings, and then that's certainly okay. But at the end of the day, you can only control you. And then what does that look like? Because sometimes we let other people's lack of effort or lack of emotions or overabundance of emotions negatively impact the way we react, the way we think, the way we try and show up in this relationship. And ultimately, is it negatively influencing the way that you're trying to be parent to these children? Because it that all does matter.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

We get to choose how we feel, we get to choose how we respond. So if you know someone is miserable or difficult, we get to choose how we respond to that. Uh and I think, yeah, you make a lot of good points. And can I just say, Jess, when you were saying you were a single parent for four days and you had to do it all, right? I was like, oh Jess, and you had to cook dinner. You had to cook dinner. Okay. So like I I think back like, you know, when when I was a single parent, I was like the one doing it all, getting them ready for school, you know, getting to school, picking them up, doing all things, and cooking dinner and thinking about what we're gonna cook for dinner. My kids have horror stories about some of the food I've fed them, or so they they think it wasn't edible. I I beg to differ, but anyway, I don't have that issue anymore. My husband is the chef of the family and he cooks for us about 90% of the time. He's actually downstairs now cooking as we record this. But I think I don't mean to make light of the situation, but that's just one more thing, right? How many moms are like, what the heck are we gonna have for dinner tonight? Such such an easy thing, but such a big thing. And like you have to plan ahead. Is your meat frozen? Do you have to stop at the store? Do you have time to cook? And so then we talk about processed food because it's just so so much quicker. We're gonna throw some chicken nuggets in the oven and make a mac and cheese, you know, craft mac and cheese or whatever. Like, and if that's your world, that's okay. Because that was my world, and my children grew up fine. They're healthy emotionally and physically healthy, and then they can choose now as adults how they choose to cook their food, right? But like I I had I used to have a lot of guilt and shame around that. Like, I'm not the bad I mean, I can cook a mean meatloaf. Like, don't get me wrong, I can cook just not a lot, and I hate it, quite frankly. So my kids did grow up on a lot of processed food. You know, Emily's very different, like what we feed her is very different than what the kids got, the older kids got. So I guess the point of this is like we we feel that pressure of planning for and cooking meals. I'm right there with you. And if it's a box of craft mac and cheese, that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Yeah, and I feel like again, we could talk about all of the unrealistic expectations that society, you know, puts on itself and and the awareness around back when we were kids, like growing up on Elio's Pizza and Chef Boy RD and fruit roll-ups in our lunchbox every day, and all of that stuff was a norm. And we weren't the only kids, you know, like everybody at the lunch table had the same stuff in their lunchboxes. And now it's like, oh my gosh, like you feed your kids that? Like, do you realize that there's like red 40 in there? And do you realize that there's, you know, seed oils and all of this stuff, which makes the awareness of, okay, I shouldn't be feeding my kids this, but I don't want to maybe have not have the budget for all of this fresh stuff that, you know, cost a bazillion dollars. And then I also have to now, you know, I have to make meals from scratch and I have to go like, and there's just these unrealistic expectations of would it be wonderful if everybody and everybody's kids would eat it? If I put some of this stuff down in front of Briley, she would literally laugh. And there are parents who are like, I get comments when I post about Briley and her, you know, lack of her eating struggles. I get the parents that are like my parents, the the women on my Facebook that I'm friends with who are like my parents' age, who are like, Well, when we were kids, we ate what was in front of us or we didn't eat. And if we left it, then we ate it for breakfast the next day and yada yada. And I get it. I get it. Everybody has very, very, you know, real opinions about what people should be eating, what kids should be eating, how they should be eating it. People are very opinionated and they're it's very easy behind a computer screen to share with me their thoughts on what my kids should be eating. I, you know, nobody is the bigger critic than myself. Nobody struggles with this more than me. But I also know that I don't want my kid to grow up with negative food, you know, trauma. And I don't use that term lightly. Like I don't want her to be dealing with at 30, you know, her mom forced her to eat something that she didn't like. Her palate is going to change, it's going to grow. And my child is fed. Is it all the way that I would love it to be? No, not even close. Does she get like carrots with her mac and cheese at dinner? Yes. And guess what? I chalk it up too. That's the best I can do. And she's getting some vegetables. You know, there's there's little pieces, there's little things that I do to try and make it seem in my brain a little bit better than what it is. But at the end of the day, she's fed, she's happy. And there'll be a day when she gets to choose what she wants to eat, and that's gonna be her. And I'd rather have it be, it's okay not to like something. You know, we do the trying, try different things. She tried steak last night. Of course, she didn't like it. She has like a texture thing. I that's what I've learned. Things that are like she'll she'll label them chewy. She hates like her toast, the darkest setting on the toaster, that's what she puts it to. She wants it crispy. Any ounce of like chewy bread, it gets spit out. So I feel like she's got like some kind of texture thing going on because she anything that's chewy, she hates. Like Chrissy's saying, like, I think that we just, you know, it's not easy. There's so many other pressures that we deal with. Again, like in the last episode, we talked about where do you want your energy to go? You know, if there's little things that we can do that make you feel better, like trying to cut out red or you know, trying to cut out dyes, we have to be a little bit more aware of things because of Deegan's food allergies. So that already makes me hyperfixated on certain things. Like, oh yes, let's just add in, you know, some more stuff to it. It's hard. It's not easy. We say this a lot. Everything that we talk about, it's easier to talk about than it is to actually implement because it is really hard. But when you are in the thick of solo momming and trying to balance what does balance look like for you, sometimes making the kids air fried chicken nuggets and mac and cheese is dinner, and that's okay. And that's you know, we can't say that more or enough that doing the best you can. I'd rather have your kids eating box mac and cheese for dinner and throw a couple raspberries on the plate and have you put them to bed at a decent time so that you can have some time to like move your body or just sit with a journal or, you know, have like just have some time for yourself. I would rather have that than spend six hours in the kitchen cooking a meal that they're gonna hate, which is gonna end you in tears because you're trying to force them to eat food that they don't want to eat, and ultimately you feel like you're failing because your kids just ate processed crap for dinner, and now you're gonna go scroll TikTok and watch all the other moms who feed their kids healthy choice meals because they can afford to, you know, like it's just it is a spiral that can easily get out of control that makes you feel completely inferior and like a really crappy mom. And that's just not true.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

Yeah, and I think it comes right back to values. We bring values up every single time. But what is it that you value? And and I at the time when I was just surviving, I valued like feeding my kids, but whatever was quick and easy, right? At the time in that season of my life and career in momming, that is the best that I could do. And so that's why yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

Some moms have kids who have great palates, like who can who can and they do love to cook. Like Chrissy and I don't love to cook, neither one of us. So we are not an advocate for like the moms who love to cook and who have kids who eat incredible, you know, have incredible palates. That's just not us. But I I that's incredible. Like if you have kids who love good food, Deegan loves good food. He will eat salmon and ribs and steak and like the chicken and rice is his favorite meal. He'll eat it every single day. Like Deegan has a good palate. And so cooking for him is a lot more fun and a lot easier because well, take out all the allergies. His his palate is very simple because that's what he can eat. So it just it's easier, right? Like go figure the kid who can't eat all of this stuff is the easier one to feed because ultimately he does like good food. And so it is easier to whatever you kind of make, as long as it's got some kind of easy basic protein, he'll eat it. Whereas the other one who has not a single thing, not a single allergy is the one that's a struggle. And so if you are a mom who is in the situation where life feels heavy automatically with everything else that you're balancing and going on, what your values are and where you want your energy to go is okay. And really not allowing society, other moms, other outside influences try and tell you where you need your values to be so that you then spend this time trying to create things that ultimately don't feel natural, right? Like if you're not a cook and you don't love being in the kitchen and you are running ragged every other area of your life, then not trying to recreate, you know, Hell's kitchen and yours to feed these kids like that. There's certain areas where it's just like we talked about playing sports. If it feels so heavy for you and like not something that is obtainable for you to put your kids in sports and handle the schedules and all that stuff, then don't feel like you have to. There's so much pressure as moms, and then to take the factor of being a single mom who's trying to figure this out and do it on her own. Even if you have a village, there does come with a pressure of like feeling like you need to ask for help and ask for support and working around other people's schedules. And like, if all of this feels heavy, don't feel like you have to do it. Your kids are gonna have an incredible childhood, no matter what, because the more present you are, the more your energy is just calm and there and able to enjoy it is going to mean so much more than, yeah, we did it all, but my mom was a you know lunatic the whole time because she's trying to figure it all out. There's only so much time in a day.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

I mean at the end of the day, right? There's only so much time in a day. What is going to make your morning routines easier? What is going to make your after-school, after work routines easier? Starting there, I think is important. Really making sure that like everybody's on the same page when it comes to it. Find a bedtime schedule, try to stick to it. I know a lot of parents struggle with bedtime routines, especially single parents when you're all alone and you may have one or two kids and they require a lot, maybe bedtime, a book. You have to read a book at bedtime, brushing the teeth, all the things, right? A lot of parents co-sleep, a lot of moms co-sleep. What does that look like? How do you transition them out of your bed? You know, those types of things. There's so much that goes into just being a mom. And when you add being a single mom to that, it's a lot.

SPEAKER_00 24:45

Yeah. And as you're like rolling through these things, like be realistic with yourself. Are these habits helping or hurting your ability to have energy at the end of the day for the things that you value most? So getting really honest with ourselves and saying, okay, is our morning routine, is it helping or hurting us? Is it, is it creating space where everybody leaves the house, running, screaming, nervous systems out of whack because nobody's on time? What can we do to shift that? The afternoon. Like be realistic about what does your afternoon look like? Your bedtime routines. Be realistic about, you know, is letting the kids stay up and watch TV helping or hurting us? Is the kid sleeping in our bed helping or hurting us? Like what does our routines look like? And how can we create them to be more sufficient in the long run? Is there stuff? I think sometimes we get in situations as moms where we're like, well, this is just working. This is working. But is it working for us or against us? Because change is hard, and especially as a single mom who's the only one who is there to support going through the change, are we willing to do it? Like potty training by ourselves. Like if I had to go back and potty train by myself, like that's difficult. There's situations, you know, transitioning kids from cribs to beds or your bed to another bed. Like those things are difficult, but ultimately will it help you in the long run be able to be more alive, is the word that's coming to my brain. That's not really what I was going for. But just more, you know, have more energy, have more ability and space to handle other things that are coming and going in life. And so, you know, we've talked about this before. When you're in the thick of it, it's really hard to feel like you could make changes that are going to positively impact the season that you're in. But I wish somebody could have shook me when I was in the thick of a hard season and been like, hey, you're not even helping yourself. Like you are just going through it day after day, and you're not really doing anything to help you get out of this situation. You're waiting for somebody else to change the situation for you instead of standing up and being like, I am the only person who can pull myself out of this water. I am the only person who can make decisions that are going to help me think clearly. I am the only person who can go through the hard. And I did this when I was quote unquote co-parenting, single-parenting. When we were separated, it's when I decided to, I need to change. Because if I'm being honest, I don't, I didn't have intentions of reconciling my marriage when I was in the thick of it. It wasn't until I said, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be this mom anymore. I don't want to, like, I'm not, this is, this is not who I want to be. And I chose to work on myself that my view and my perspective on him changed. And that's when we started to, gosh, okay, maybe this isn't over. Maybe this isn't the end. Maybe it took taking responsibility and just looking at things differently that for the change really started to unfold in my marriage. But I didn't have that intent. But the intent I had was I just don't want to live like this. And I felt like I was living underwater. I just shared a post in Happy Mom's this week that was like, we do tend to wait for things to change, outside influences to change, the circumstances to change. But what can we change in us? Because it took me being like, I'm the problem. I need to work on me. But it's so hard to do that in the season because you're just, you're just living. You're just living in it. And you think that this is all that life has to offer for you. But there is so much that you can be in control of that allows you to become a better version, a better version of yourself that becomes allows you to start to heal. If you are single parenting, then there are probably circumstances that you've been through that you need to heal from. And that starts with taking the time and space for you to be able to learn about yourself again. Get back to, you know, who you are and what you want and what you want out of life and what you want to look like, what you want life to look like, because there is a lot of pieces that I think we leave up to chance or we leave up to the circumstances outside of us because we don't even see it as something that we can control.

SPEAKER_01 28:55

Yeah, we're just drowning. We're just in over our head and we're just looking for ways to escape, whether that's, you know, alcohol, drugs, phone, you know, whatever it is, jumping into another relationship, whatever that, whatever that is, looking for ways to escape this overwhelming just feeling of life in general and how to manage it all, and you're just in survival mode and you're just going through the motions. So when you're able to pause, someone can throw you a snorkel, you can start breathing again, and you can really start kind of thinking like, okay, where do I start? What's what's not working for me? And change is hard. And when you're looking to change anything for yourself, for your family, for your kids, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. And when things get worse or more difficult, we tend to go back. And I I said it before old habits die hard. So you you go back to what's familiar, but that's our brain's way of keeping us safe. That's really what they call self-sabotage. We go back to old behaviors that are not working for us, and so we have to work through that and understand that sometimes when change happens, it does get worse before it gets better. We have to go through the hard to get to the other side. Being uncomfortable is not comfortable, right? I mean, it's just not. And so, yeah, I mean, I think we have to pause and slow down in your situation being a single parent. I lived it for many years. I understand it's hard. It's one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had. And I can tell you what, I've had some pretty hard careers, like jobs in my career, but single parenting takes the cake. It is hard on so many different levels, and it doesn't always have to be hard, right? We get to choose our hard, we get to choose to do something different, we get to choose to ask for help, we get to do things different.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

And it starts Yes, yes, because it's not sometimes I it's easy to look at things like, why is this happening to me? Or why do I keep, you know, why am I in this situation? This wasn't what it was supposed to be look at. And I think sometimes our mind can allow us to kind of wallow in that, you know, for periods of time where we can't ever get to the other side, we're like, this isn't happening to you. This is happening, you know, this is a part of your journey. This is like you get to become the best version of you in this because this is a part of your story, and that's not a bad thing. Like we we've talked in the past about like we tend to look at struggles and you know, difficult situations that we go through as a negative thing. But if we could change our mindset on it and be like, I get to be a single mom, I get to parent these kids, I get to become a better version of myself. We get to, me and these kids get to, you know, figure out what routines work for us best. And it doesn't have to look the way that it does for other people. And we get to decide and we get to learn and grow and become something incredibly beautiful. Like it doesn't just because you're a single mom doesn't mean that you have to stay in a the mindset frame of man, this sucks. Because it does. Like there are a lot of situations, but it does that doesn't have to be the end. The story doesn't end there. This sucks, but I get to decide what it looks like moving forward. And we too often, I think, no matter, you know, uh just moms in general, no matter what season you're going through, it's really easy to stay in the hard to allow it to to steamroll you, to allow you to just become your identity. Like I'm a single mom. Yeah. So what? That that doesn't have to be just who you are. Like your identity is what you choose your identity to be. And that can be something strong, strength, courage, brave, whole, calm, patient. Like all of those things can also be your identity, not just a single mom. Which I think is something that, you know, it's in a world that is so focused on the negative, it's easy to be like, well, this piece of my story, you know, I'm not most proud of, or I feel, you know, feel victim by like there's so many pieces of it that just can kind of feel like you're stuck in this, the crappy identity of the situation when in all reality, like you get to choose what it looks like.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

Yeah. And what was your statement just this sucks, but I get to choose, or something? Yeah. Is that what you said? I don't remember exactly. I think I I should take notes like you do. What I'm gonna add, like encourage you and all the listeners, replace but with and right. Replace but with and this sucks, and I get to do something different, and right, because I feel like but but has a negative connotation, right? And so if you replace but with and, it really helps shift that mindset. And this is what this is all about. It's like honoring where you are and how hard it is, and you get to choose what happens next. You get to choose something different, right?

SPEAKER_00 33:44

Like you're the author of your story. We don't always control what happens to us, but we get to control what comes of it. And I love that you said that. And this happened to me, and it's not gonna define me. And I get to choose what it looks like moving forward. You get to write the next chapter, you get to define what being a single mom looks like for you and your kids, not what the world says it has to look like, or social media says it has to look like, or your mom says it has to look like. Like you get to decide what that looks like for you, and it can be anything. I love this. Yeah. Any last thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 34:21

Well, I would just like to say thanks for hanging out with us on Mom A Fuel and Mindset. If today's conversation spoke to you, take it as your reminder that happy moms don't come from doing more. They come from choosing themselves and owning their growth.

SPEAKER_00 34:36

And if you loved this episode, please be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another mom who needs a little fuel and a mindset shift today.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

Until next time, keep showing up for yourself, keep growing forward, and remember happy moms own their growth. See you soon.