Momfuel & Mindset - Episode 15: Navigating Blended Families w/ Special Guest!

Blended families can be complex, but they can also be incredibly beautiful when built with intention and grace. In this episode, We sit down with a special guest who shares her journey of creating a healthy blended family. She talks about navigating co-parenting, maintaining positive relationships with the fathers of her children, and building unity within her current marriage and family. This conversation is honest, encouraging, and a powerful reminder that with communication, respect, and the right heart posture, blended families can thrive.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

We're back. It's your mom, friends. I'm Chrissy. And I'm Jess, and we have a special guest today. I'm super excited. Our topic today, we are talking about blended families and how blended families can be complex, but they can also be incredibly beautiful when built with intention and grace. In this episode, we sit down with a guest who shares her journey of creating a healthy blended family. She talks about navigating co-parenting, maintaining positive relationships with the fathers of her children, and building unity within her current marriage and family. This conversation is honest, encouraging, and a powerful reminder that with communication, respect, and the right heart posture, blended families can thrive. Welcome. Thank you for being here. This is this episode is going to be super special to me because I know you outside of this, and I have admired your journey from the very beginning. I think this is something every time I see you share a post about celebrating one of your boys' birthdays and seeing your whole family, like the whole family around the table. It just warms my heart. And I literally comment like your family's my favorite because seeing this is incredible because not many families who are blended or go through divorces or go through separations are able to maintain healthy relationships and be able to do this, to come together to celebrate their kids when at the end of the day, that's really what it should be about. So I'm excited to have you here. I love your story. I love watching your journey. Can you take the listeners back to the beginning and just share with us a little bit about how you've gotten to where you are today?

SPEAKER_01 1:54

Absolutely. It was my goodness in my early 20s. And I was married what I considered young, maybe not anymore. I got married at 24, and I had my first child at 26. And we were just a typical young family. And I think we were young in our personal lives as well. And as we started to grow and mature, we grew in different directions and we separated. And my son was just a little over a year old. So it was very early on. But I'm kind of the person who is like, if it's not going to change, it's not going to change. And you got to make the change now. So I, you know, went with it. And it was it wasn't an easy decision. It wasn't overnight. We went to marriage counseling. We had our supportive families, our supportive friends. And in the end, we ultimately separated. And I think at first we thought we could kind of figure it out ourselves. And I think a lot of families that might be listening or have been through it know that that doesn't always work because sometimes you just need that guidance. And that's where you end up in family court and those sorts of things. Our marriage didn't work out, but our co-parenting plan did. And we really got past the pain. And I think that that's the key. That is the key to the once you can get past the pain and the anger and go back to where it all started. Was there a friendship there? You know, the love. There's still love there despite everything. And if you can get back to that love in a non-romantic way and put your child as the focus, then you know you can build that relationship again. So it's kind of what ultimately led to our blended family and creating our blended family as it is today. Shortly after that, I was in a new relationship, which is also equally as hard on your old relationship. It brings up, you can be getting along, and then it brings up a whole new plan to navigate, a whole new dynamic. You think you've got it all figured out, and then bam, you throw another monkey wrench into the mix. And that was about four years, and it it did not work out either. And I have to just put a disclaimer in there that it's just not for not for everybody, some people, and if it is for you, that's awesome. It is not rainbows, glitter, unicorns, dinner around birthday tables at first. It takes a lot of work to get to that point. So through a lot of work and building, rebuilding a friendship and ultimately putting the children at the center of working out the plan, we were able to now coexist as two dads, two kids. We'd walk around the primary school with the kids and together for different events, and we'd show up to sporting events, and it really became a beautiful thing. I then had gotten engaged to someone else, started a family, had two additional boys, bringing my count up to four boys. And sorry. You're okay. And you know, we all we all continued to co-parent well together. There'd be highs and lows. My ex, my children's dads would be in relationships, and so that would enter another person into the mix. And I think it's really something to say is that I didn't then, but now more than ever. I don't know if I really took into consideration the other person's feelings of their starting a woman, starting a relationship with a man who talks on the phone to his ex, the child's mother, texts constantly, comes and jumps her car when she's stranded because her car died, you know, is the first to, you know, the first person she calls when something goes wrong. I don't know how I would feel if I was on that end of it. And I think now with some grace and mercy and growth and a lot of faith, if I put myself in some of those women's shoes, I can see how that would be really intimidating and maybe not understanding that, like, well, what do you mean there's nothing going on between you type of thing? So as they started, my one son's father got remarried, another one got remarried, and you know, kind of building the dynamics of now my children have not only a stepparent on my side, but a stepparent on their dad's side, and that dynamic and what they bring to the table. You just really had to have an open, open mind. Unfortunately, with my younger son's father, things did not work out either. A lot of moving parts in the mix, one being, you know, the things were changing in the world and a lot of things were going on in 2020. And I knew I wasn't happy and I wasn't being my best self for my children. And you have to be okay before they're okay. It sounds kind of like a Facebook meme or a Hallmark card, but you cannot pour from an empty cup. And there's a reason those quotes are out there. There's a reason why people share them and they're there because they're true. As much as sometimes we read them and we're like, here it is. They're true. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You have to be okay if your kids are gonna be okay. And I just wasn't okay. I cared a lot about this person, but I just did not see it working out. And so we separated. And that was probably not the most successful co-parenting journey. I can proudly say today that we sat together yesterday at Archery, we meet at gymnastics, we can joke around. There were times where we couldn't even text each other without going through our lawyers, and now, you know, we'll send each other funny jokes or stories about our kids or pictures from our time with them. When I remember weekends going by and just wondering what my kids were doing, how they were. It was a definitely a rough journey, but we're there. It's maybe not as magical as my relationship with my other son's fathers. We do not share holidays or birthdays, but this works for us. And if you asked my kids what are some of the slogans that mom says, am I frozen? Okay. If you ask my kids what are some of the slogans that mom says, one of them is do what works for you. And this is what works for us. The other version of my blended family does not work for us, but this is exactly what works for us. So I find that this is the way to go for that relationship, that it's more of a parallel, parallel parenting plan versus a co-parenting plan, but it works. And then I was going through that separation and I reunited with my high school sweetheart. And we recently got married about a year and a half ago and blended our families into a family of eight children with us two adults. So we are 10 people living in a house together. It is the first time I've really been a step parent. It is the first time that my children have had, you know, had to live with other people outside of our home in our home. So yeah, it's it's been a wild ride for the last 17 years. Love this.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

Amazing, amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that. You know, so much has hit me, but really just your willingness to put your kids first above anything else. And, you know, I think when people separate, feelings are so raw, and there's so much anger and resentment, and they often sadly use their children like as a tool to manipulate. And I hate, and I say that lightly, I don't like that word, but that's what happens, unfortunately. And so the fact that not only you but your children's fathers have been able to do that really is amazing and and good for those kids. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 10:18

Well, I was just gonna say, and I have to say that looking back, there's parts of myself that were very ugly in that process. I had to let go of a lot of pride and accountability really had to come in. Was very self-righteous in the beginning, especially as mom. I thought was, you know, end all be all, and I was supposed to be the only one, and I would give the orders and we were gonna do it my way. God said, okay, let me knock you off this little pedestal and show you my plan.

SPEAKER_02 10:49

So I get that was gonna be my question. One of the things I wrote down is how do you feel that you have changed over these last 17 years? Because you definitely are not the same person you were at the start of this at 24, you know, first marriage, first baby to now. I mean, look at your family now. And what you've done is incredible to me. But I'd love to know like your how you've changed over these past 17 years.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

A lot of faith, a lot of growth, self-help. I am not ashamed to say that I went through trauma therapy and I saw a therapist regularly. And my family, I have a very, very supportive family that has always loved and accepted me for me, even when I didn't love myself and anyone else who came into the mix. So I'm very, very blessed in that department. And I do acknowledge that not everyone has that. I also realized that sacrifice is growth, even though it feels like decline in the moment. And that really taught me a lot. You know, when you have to change and give up things, and I don't think it's really changing who you are, but just having an open mind. But yeah, Crystal from 17 years ago, you know, it was a lot different than Crystal today. And she's still working on herself.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

I say that all all the time about myself, Crystal. You know, the the the the mom of my adult children is a very different mom of my 14-year-old now, and I still have a lot of growth to go. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:23

It's not, I love how you say you're not changing, like if to me, and you've said it a couple times because I keep I keep circling it, it's changing your perspective. So the perspective of Crystal 17 years ago and going through those motions versus crystal today, like your perspective changed. And I I think that that is something that completely changed, that's what saved my marriage was changing my perspective. Because I had that too. I had that pride. I had that, like, you know, you're not doing these things. And then I had to like look at myself and be like, I'm not doing these things. And there's so many pieces that was a huge eye-opener for me. And perspective was one of them. So I love that you say that, like the perspective of the other person's feelings as, you know, parents, stepmoms roll into the scene, like changing your view on like letting them love them too, right? I think people do struggle with I'm the mom and you know, it's my way and releasing that grip. Moms struggle with control. Chrissy and I talk about this all the time. There's so many pieces of our of our lives that when it comes to our families or our kids that we try and control, when would it be lifting a weight to release some of that control and let other people in to support and love and help?

SPEAKER_01 13:36

I think I I I know I am a control freak. My my exes obviously know that. And I think some of the mercy that they've bestowed upon me is that they know that about me and they accept it in to a to a point, and so they know how to deal with it. I I think one thing that's like really important is that there's no superior parent. And when I learned that, like when my kids aren't with me, I miss them so much. And when I started thinking, well, that's how the other side feels when they're with me. And that's like a huge mind shift. And then you just learn to that there's no instruction book. We none of us, like nobody gets married planning on getting divorced. So that's the thing. 17 years ago, I had a cute little yellow house and a brand new baby, and I had a huge, beautiful, big storybook wedding, and it was everything that I was told I was supposed to do. You know, you graduate high school, you go to college, you get engaged, you have kids, and you live happily ever after until you don't.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

I'm curious. I have some logistical questions because like I I am stepmom and you know, blended family and all the things. Tell me what it looks like with um extended families and holidays and all the things. How do you how did you go about navigating that? Because some of that is really difficult, right? Do you give up Christmas? Do you not? Do you give up a birthday? Those types of things. And then grandparents and all the things, right?

SPEAKER_01 15:12

So schedules and custody orders really rule that part of our lives. Because of my very beautiful co-parenting with my kids' dads, we have gotten to a place where we have just kind of, it's like a final machine. We know that every other year, Christmas morning, they wake up with me, they wake up with them, and then we switch to a clock, seems to feel like the good spot because it feels like the middle of the day. My family celebrates my extended, you know, my aunts and uncles and cousins. We do Christmas Eve. It's a tradition since before I was born, and everybody goes to my family's house. And so I am so lucky that they have always, whether it's my Christmas Eve or not, allowed my kids to come to Christmas Eve with my family. That is what it's about. You know, and that's the thing. No, and it's like it's just two hours, and it's it's written into, I think, one of the orders that I have out of fear that it wasn't going to happen. But they they are so gracious with that. Birthdays, we kind of split the day in half. If it's a school day, we just kind of figure it out. Um, when we do kid birthday parties, which I don't do a lot of because they're super expensive, we'd rather do an experience. We'll both be at that party. And, you know, in the past, in the beginning, it wasn't always that way. But we've just really found a good way of saying, okay, what time is your family doing this? And, you know, my ex-husband, and I hate calling him that, I'd rather say my first husband because ex just feels so negative. But his parents and I are very close. They're involved in all of my children's lives, all of my stepchildren's lives. They come every year now for Thanksgiving to my house. So it's so amazing. My second oldest son, his dad, came to Thanksgiving this year. They show up for the other kids' sporting events, even if their kid isn't running. With my stepchildren, it is it is not as easy as that. And it is everything by an order, and it's an out-of-state order. So unfortunately, if if it's, you know, there's no there's no way to uh meet in the middle or trade or work it out. It is we stick to the schedule, and unfortunately, sometimes they miss out on things, but I don't view it as missing out because they're with their mom, you know, they're with their other parent. And it's kind of like if I take my kids, you know, to McDonald's when they're not here, I have to say to myself, but they're doing things with their mom too. And these are my kids and they're doing things with their mom. So yeah, but for the most part, for my four biological children, holidays, birthdays is just a lot of communication and such a fine old machine that every year we do the same thing. For my stepchildren, we follow a very strict, clearly defined custody order.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

That's amazing, though. I feel like the fact, I mean, there's so many things that you said, but the fact that like your first husband's family is still very much involved and involved with all the kids and they're showing up for holidays and you're doing things together, that shows your kids that they come first, always. Like, and that is how you raise emotionally healthy children doing what you do. So kudos to you because I feel like you're part of the 1%. I feel like this is so this is not normal. Unusual.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

And I have to share. So, my my family, my aunts, uncles, cousins, we used to do it every Sunday, but at least once a month now we meet for dinner. And when my grandmother was still alive, now we're talking anywhere from 15 people to sometimes close to 50 people, depending on who can make it. And we were doing this every Sunday for a good 20 years, and now we're down to one to two Sundays a month and we celebrate birthdays. But my grandma always used to say, you know, I used to think that other people were weird who didn't do this. But then I realized we're the weird ones because we, you know, we know it's very uncommon. But I have to say, my in-laws, my in-loves, we all would be extremely lost without them. And my parents, who don't live in state, but my parents support us from afar. They send boxes of snacks every month from Sam's Club. Every, you know, thing that the kids have involved. When they come up, my my parents took all eight kids and us to Six Flags for like a treat on a weekend. So I have to say we are very blessed, very supportive. There's nothing sweeter than seeing like Nick's kids call my parents poppy and grandma, you know, and those and those sorts of things. And with my my in-laws from my first marriage, we're talking like the most support that we've ever gotten as a family. My second son, who is not their biological grandson, would have a fever and they would keep him for the day at home sick, so I could not have to call and sick to work. Like that, it's it is, it's it's rare. It's really rare.

SPEAKER_00 20:16

It is rare. We talked about needing to have a village in our last podcast. It'll drop pretty soon there, but having a village is so important. And then when you have a village of just extended family and everybody's included, that's just pretty dang special. I love that.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

Yeah. Well, something you said early on that just keeps like resonating with me is rebuilding that friendship because you know, they are special to you in a certain way. And like we've said, we emotions in the moment. I think I talked about this on the last episode too, that's gonna drop this week. About just are we making decisions based off of a rush of emotions in a hard situation that could ultimately negatively impact these kids? Like I want to make decisions with a clear head and and an understanding of the situation prior to ultimately negatively impacting these kids. And so, really just getting back to the root of, you know, we may not work. This relationship may not ultimately, but a friendship should always be able to be there for these kids because you know, I did, I've talked before, I went through a divorce. My parents couldn't be in the same room for years, like they hated each other. And when I had Deegan, I was like, I'm not having two birthday parties, I'm not having two Christmases. You guys will come together for this kid because I'm not doing what we went through as a kid. And it does stick with you. There are things, you know, that I've had to work out of myself because I just thought it was normal. So when Jim and I separated, I was like, I'm not doing it that way. We're gonna co parent, we're gonna be friends, we're gonna, despite what we have going on, I want to do this right for these kids. Your boy. Your older ones are now teenagers. And do you do you ever get like feedback from them? Like this is just a norm to them. So this is incredible that they'll just grow up knowing that they have one big, beautiful, blended family, and they can count on all of these people because they show up for them in ways that, you know, it just becomes a norm to them, which is incredible. But do they ever say anything to you or ever have insight about the situation?

SPEAKER_01 22:26

They do. There's a really neat story. We were around the table and we always call them the bigs, the big kids, you know, versus the little kids, because we have four teens, you know, back to back consecutively. So right now they're a year apart, year apart, year apart, which means just so you know, four cars, four sets of braces, four college tuitions, right back to back. But that being said, as we are going through the thick of it of my husband's situation, and we feel we can be very open with some of the older teens, my boys, we we don't share with Nick's kids because it's protecting their peace and their things. But being able to communicate with my son, he's 17 years old, he's almost a man, he is a man. It's very scary. We were sitting there and we said I said something. Well, when your dad and I went to court and the look on his face and he goes, You and dad went to court. And I think he was about 16 at this point. And I was like, Yeah, I said, you know, that's why you go to dad's on Thursday nights and come home Sundays and blah, blah, blah. And he never knew. And he he was blown away, I was blown away. I was like, Yes, we did it. We did such a good job. He didn't ever know. And then he was just shocked that, like, oh, I thought you guys just, you know, were so good at this and figured this out. And I thought back to so many times where it didn't matter, we could be in a full-out war, and we would be at an event, and I'd be like, the three of us are taking a picture together. Because, and there were smiles. We would be at an event, and I would force us to take a picture together, the three of us, and we'd be smiling. And because I always wanted him to look back on his childhood and see both of his parents there with him. And I'm so glad we did, because now we I don't have to force anyone to take a photo and we're all smiling together and happy.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

You know, it's funny, it's so you are part of the one percent. Most people don't are unable to, for whatever reason, co-parent like this. And I do think more people can keep it from the kids like you did, though. Even though you're not best friends and texting each other every day and having dinner and sharing holidays, and the kids end up having two of things, the kids don't need to know all the bad. They don't need to know all the things, right? And so not only do you not only did you create this beautiful blended family, but you were also able to keep them from all that adult conversation and heaviness of a separation. It gets really hard when parents put that on kiddos. And sometimes it's it's not even intentional, they don't even realize that they're doing it, they're just so hurt that they might be confiding or telling their kids what's happening and unintentionally putting them in the middle. And so, even if to the listeners who might not be having their, you know, exes over for dinner or shared holidays or anything like that, there still is a way to be able to navigate co-parenting that makes it so the kids don't know how you truly feel. Right.

SPEAKER_02 25:24

Preserving the kids' childhood. I think that is the you only get a few short years of this kid's where their childhood is a pure childhood. And despite what's happening relationship-wise, really putting them at the center and the core of it and making decisions that are best to preserve their mental health, their childhood moving forward. What kind of emotional support are they getting? But the problem is, I mean, if we're being honest, because we like to be here, there's a lot of adults that walk around that are not emotionally capable of having these kinds of situations and thinking about emotional support or mental health. We don't have these conversations enough. We don't talk about this enough where a lot of times people are making rash choices, rash decisions. They're letting anger lead the way, they're letting their emotions make the decisions for them, and the kids are just a bystander and we're just this is an unfortunate situation that the kids are gonna have to go to, but we don't think about in 30 years how is it affecting them? What you know, yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 26:23

Well, I was just like, I think if whether you're married or not, if it's just a relationship, if you're married, that is ended, but your commitment to your kid hasn't. And so, like, that is like the the thing for me is just keeping the child so center focused. And like it's easier said than done because I'm not gonna say there hasn't been times where I haven't been like so fired up or so upset, or the number one thing is that you have to get in your head is it's not about winning. Correct. For so long I just wanted to win that you lose sight of like what what it is. Once you realize like this isn't a game, like you it's not about winning. Actually, in my last custody battle with my younger twos father, I had to admit defeat. I gave up things I didn't want to give up. I walked away from things that you know, I just literally was like, I can't do this anymore. And I have to be okay, so they're okay.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

Yeah, that's incredible. And that's a not it's not an easy choice to make. And there are people who are not willing to make that choice who then go on to continue to fight ultimately. Like you said, if you're not okay, these kids aren't okay. We have to do what's best for your mental health so that you can ultimately be there for these kids. We were just admiring you, and we were like, This is why I was like, Chrissy, this is why I want to have Crystal on, because you are not the norm. But I think if we can share this story with people and just change perspectives, be okay. I literally, it's not about winning. Probably I'm gonna use that for a quote because it just what an empowering as moms, we do want to win. We do try and maintain that control, but just knowing that your mental health and your kids' mental health is more important than winning. Like it's that's it can't be about that in spite of the other person. You want to come out on top over this other person when ultimately it should be about, you know, what's doing best for these kids, not about winning.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

And I love that you said this. And again, for those people that can't maintain a friendship, I want to go there because I've been, you know, I've I've been around a lot of different circumstances. I've been in the field for 25 years. I've seen a lot of families go through a lot of stuff, and there are just some families that can't be friends, and that is okay. This is not us telling you that you need to be friends with your ex, that you need to like your ex. That's not it. But this is us telling you your kids don't need to know you don't like your ex. Your kids don't need to know your true feelings about your ex. Let your kids be your kids, let your kids love you, let your kids love their other parent and their extended family without guilt or being, you know, made to think one thing or another. So this is about really putting them first because that's how we win, is when our kids win. And when our kids win, they're allowed to love both parents when it's safe to do so. And even though when it's not safe to do so, kids still love their parents. We need to protect them, of course. So this is not saying if it if they're unsafe, I have to put that plug in too. If you have safety concerns for your kids, by all means, protect them.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

Right. Yes. First and foremost. I had taken some notes, you know, before we did this of writing down things that came to mind and some of the things Jess and I had sent over. And one of the things was like, that was like the disclaimer. Yeah, unless your kids are in harm's way or trouble, then by all means, you know, you're aware. But I, you know, I think it's just really, really important communication, schedules, consistency, stability. You don't have to fix everything. And the season doesn't last forever. But if you but I think like if you can't, I can't be friends, then I s highly suggest looking at parallel parenting because it's it's a form of co-parenting that doesn't have all the mushy stuff in between, and that can really work for some people. And you know, you could be the best mother, father, anyone in the world, and your kids still figure you out. So they're gonna figure us all out. They don't need our help telling them about their other parent to figure that out. They'll they'll figure it out. True story. They always do. Thank you for hanging out with us today. Thank you so much for having me. It feels good. I know we I think you know, I might have shared privately. I don't know if I shared on here, but I carried for a very long time a large amount of shame because 17 years ago I had this idea in my head of what a family looked like. And back then I felt like I failed. And this really feels really good being able to share my story. And I one time was sitting with my cousin and I was crying, and I wanted to have another baby so bad. But I had two children with two different fathers, and this would be father number three. And I remember saying, But I'm gonna have so many like baby daddies, and she said, But they're all yours, and they're all mine. And that's that's the thing. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. There's no instruction book, you know, there's no rule book. You gotta throw all that away and that shame and that fear. And this was God's plan for me and God's plan for my family. You know, I'm just gonna do my best to serve him and my family and hopefully help others and continue to help myself because I'm in a whole new journey. Maybe we'll meet up in a year or so and we'll go down that road. But becoming a stepparent is extremely, extremely hard. I have much more respect than I already did have for my own stepparents, but and my husband for taking on four additional children as well. But it is it is brought out sides of me that I know need a lot of work and still continue to work on. And then it's also brought out sides of me that say, okay, nope, this is firmly where I am. This is this is what I can't budge on, this is what I can budge on. I've already gone through this much, I can't go through this much more. And just finding like there's such a difference between grace and mercy. But if you want to do your homework, if you want to look up the difference, I highly suggest the two things that have gotten me this far in the last 17 years is grace and mercy. I love that.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

Powerful, perfect way to end because I that was a super powerful ending. And I love and appreciate everything you've shared with us. I know that it's not always easy when you carry shame for situations, but to see you use your story and your power for good and to really make the best of it. And now you get to be an example. Like I said, I've just I've followed you and I'm like, I love this family. I love what you're doing in this space. And God did have a plan for you, and he sure does, and it's good plans. And I just appreciate you coming on here and sharing that with us. Well, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 33:19

Awesome. Wow, thanks for hanging out with us on mom fuel and mindset. If today's conversation spoke to you, take it as your reminder that happy moms don't come from doing more, they come from choosing themselves and owning their growth.

SPEAKER_02 33:33

And if you loved this episode, please be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another mom who needs a little fuel and a mindset shift today.

SPEAKER_00 33:41

Until next time, keep showing up for yourself, keep growing forward, and remember happy moms own their growth. See you soon!