Momfuel & Mindset - Episode 16: Permission to Change w/ Special Guest!

Abigails journey of choosing change!
Today we are going to hear the journey of a mom who gave herself permission to change. To choose a path that felt uncertain but deeply right. Not from a place of selfishness..but from alignment. Not to escape her life but to build one that she can fully be present in.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

We're back. It's your mom friends. I'm Chrissy. And I'm Jess. And today we are going to hear the journey of a mom who gave herself permission to change, to choose a path that felt uncertain but deeply right. Not from a place of selfishness, but from alignment. Not to escape her life, but to build one that she can fully be present in. And with that, would you introduce yourself to us?

SPEAKER_03 0:42

Yes. Hello, everyone. My name is Abigail Knoll, and I'm so excited to be here on this podcast, this episode today, because what better conversation than moms, right?

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Yeah. Thank you so much. We would agree.

SPEAKER_03 0:55

Yeah. My gosh. It's so fun.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Will you take our listeners back to kind of where your journey began when you kind of started to wrestle with needing to choose change?

SPEAKER_03 1:06

Yeah, absolutely. So I think any mother or parent can just kind of, you know, attest to like when you have a kid, your entire life changes, right? Like I think you hear that before becoming a parent, you know, as you're right before you start really dabbling in, okay, we're gonna do this. And then it truly is, yeah. I mean, it's a completely life-altering. And it should be, like in the best way possible. And so I had my daughter in 2018 and life was great. Moving, you know, we're working full-time, my husband has a full-time job, like we're just doing life, you know. Then COVID hits in 2020. And I think that was probably honestly where my my journey started is because I never saw myself as like a stay-at-home mom or owning my own business or anything like that. I was just doing the grind, right? Like you go to your nine and five, your kid goes to child care, you meet back at home at the end of the day, life moves on. And then COVID hits and everything shuts down. And you know, daycare shut down, my office shut down for like four months, the daycare was down and everything. So then I was working from home full time and my daughter was home full-time with us. And my husband's a first responder, so he's on shift work. And so that was kind of our like, it was really such a blessing in disguise for so many reasons. But then it was like, oh wow, we have all this time together that we probably would not have honestly gotten otherwise. With his job, he's gone a third of our lives. That's just his schedule of life. He works 24 hours, and so he's gone a third of the time. That's just how you know, first responder work. And I never really thought about any of that until like COVID hit, until we got all that time together. And then as I started going back into the office and she went back to daycare, I'm not gonna lie, I hated it. I think I had more anxiety going back, not because of COVID and like the fear of the virus, but like the fear and the the hustle and bustle and the craziness that all that came with that, you know? So I would say that's when my really the seed was planted in my head for sure. And then life moves on, kept going through, and then it came for my daughter, time for my daughter to start kindergarten. So this was 2023. She started kindergarten, and we live in a very tiny rural town in Texas, and the town that we work in is like a 40-minute drive away because our little town has like the school, the post office, and a gas station. So that's kind of it. And so every, you know, we do life the rest of our life in that town, you know, 30, 40 minutes away. And we were wrestling with, do we put her in school here? Do we take her to the town where we're working? Logistically, that was gonna be like crazy. And then as we were wrestling, it literally one day my husband's like, Well, why don't you just quit your job? And I was like, I'm sorry. That's not possible. Like, who are you? What crazy talk is this? He was like, for real, like, I'm a marketing professional. So I do marketing, I do PR for small businesses. I was in the tourism sector. And he was like, You have a job that can be fully online. He's like, obviously, I can't as a first responder. And he's like, So what if you just and then, you know, like we didn't really have a map, a plan. He was just like, There's a million remote jobs in the world these days. Like, let's just figure this out. We wanted her to go to this little school in our rural rural town, you know, small smaller school setting. And so I did it. It was, and I did it with zero plan, which I do not recommend. Like none. I told my boss in like February that year, I was like, I'll be done in June. So I gave my company like this huge runway of time. So I was able to like wrap up a bunch of projects and you know, give them time to really figure it out too, is like, you know, my replacement or what that was gonna look like for the company. And then yeah, I quit and or I I guess I quit. Yeah, I resigned. That sounds so weird to say because I was only 33 at the time. I resigned in June of 2023. Weird. I retired, yeah, at 33. That sounds nuts. So I finished, she so I finished in June and she started kindergarten that August. And like I said, I had zero plan. All I knew is I was just gonna take the rest of the summer and do literally nothing. And then once she started school, I was like, okay, remote work is like the norm these days, so I'll figure this out. And then organically, I had a small business owner reach out to me. They're like, I need help with my marketing, you help me, blah, blah, blah. And so I just grew this marketing business organically with no real plan. And it just evolved from there. So I did that. Oh my gosh, what are we? This is March of 2026. That's crazy to say. Um, so yeah, we we just kind of went with it. And then as life moved on and she got into school, and we really got plugged into our local church here, and I met a great group of people and they had a homeschool co-op. And so this past school year, we've actually homeschooled. So she went to kindergarten first grade, and then we decided for her second grade year to try homeschooling because I figured I can still do second grade math. I can still manage addition and subtraction. Beyond that, my math brain cuts off totally.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

Totally.

SPEAKER_03 5:43

Totally. So, yeah, that's that's like the very condensed version. I know we're gonna go into more detail, but that's kind of like my trajectory of how I got to where I am with a lot of struggle along the way for myself personally and like that mental battle of what that felt like as a female, as a mom, as a young professional, as a wife, like all those different factors. Yes. Because I do go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

I want to highlight one thing that you said because I think this is really important. I do think that if anything came, any good came from COVID, it's that our eyes really were open to how fast of a pace of life we were living. I know that it was really difficult for a lot of people. I'm originally from upstate New York. New York in general is just fast pace. Everything, everybody's in a hurry, everybody's in a rush, everything needs to be done right now. Every due date was three days ago. Like it just was, and and we were raising kids that were ultimately learning that same learned behavior. And so when everything stopped, everybody was like, What do we do? And I was like, let's just like I I have a Facebook post I can go back and find that literally said, like, being outside has been our saving grace. It's the only place that we feel like at peace. If be breathing fresh air is the only thing that's like keeping us sane because it really messed with us that we just didn't know what to do. We weren't doing anything and we'd never felt that before. It also was super eye-opening to be like, we need to be doing more of this. Like my nervous system is just finally like, like, you have nothing to do. And that is wonderful. And it's okay, but it very much was a mental piece for me to be like, how do we do this? How do like and and how wild that we're living this and and like dubbing it as normal.

SPEAKER_03 7:31

Right. Exactly. Yes. That's I think that's like with the biggest thing is that we just dubbed it as normal, you know, the hustle and bustle culture that we all live in. And we've all been victim of it. I'm not sitting here on the other side going, like, I can't believe you're doing that. No, no, I was there full hundred percent. Like, I was ready to climb that corporate ladder, take over the world, do all the things. And it just like I used to get so frustrated at my job because I was like, I've been in the professional career in the professional world for like 10 years at the time. I didn't feel like I'd done anything, made a name for myself. I was still in this smaller town, which I love. I'm from Houston originally, so I'm from big city, but I have no desire to go back to big city. And so I was, you know, working with what I've got being in a smaller community, but I was still like, there's gotta be something bigger I can be doing. Yes, it was part of chasing the dollar too, and the fame and the, you know, not to be like, I didn't want to be like some influencer person or whatever, but you know, recognition, if you're like you accomplished something, like that stamp of approval.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Yeah, making a difference. And I think as a young young professional and then leaving that, right? I'm so intrigued about that. Like, what kind of mindset shift did you have to go through? Because, like you said, you were super committed to your job and climbing the corporate ladder and all the things. And when you do that, there's so much tied to your identity. And then when that shifts to being a stay-at-home mom, which is fantastic too. And I'm not saying that that's there's nothing there's anything wrong with that. I'm just it's a different. So I'm curious, how did you go through that shift?

SPEAKER_03 9:03

Yeah, so I think it was multi-layers for sure. I think because it was like a gradual shift, right? Like I said, like it kind of the seed got planted during COVID lockdown. Yeah. But I was like, oh wow, this is and again, like I'm and I know uh everyone commutes and stuff too, but like I live in a small town. Like I said, there's nothing around me, like the nearest, like legitimate grocery store is 45 minutes away, like, right, other than Dollar General or you know, the gas station. And so, like my whole existence is like you really have to plan and think about your normal living routine and whatever. So it's not like oh, I can just run over here, run over there, whatever. And so when I got home during lockdown and could just stay home for multiple days at a time, like you said, Jessica, like my nervous system reset hardcore. And I was like, and that's why I had so much panic and anxiety about going back into work because I was like, I know what the peace feels like now. And I don't want to go back to that hustle and grind. So how can I do this differently? And so my best friend and I started a podcast at the time, just like y'all. And we were like, this is it, this is our ticket out of here. Like, we're gonna do it, right? Well, it didn't go anywhere. I mean, it was great. I think it was such a cathartic healing process for us in our own way for our journeys at that time. But it we made zero dollars from that. So it was not our ticket out by any means. But honestly, I think the biggest thing was my hand was forced because of my daughter starting school. Like, and so I I really foolheartedly believe if my hand was not forced, I'd still be in that in that hamster wheel today. And my hand was forced because of where we live and how we do life and where we were working. It's like a 45-minute drive difference. And so logistically, having your kid in school 45 minutes away and both you and your husband working in a town, and there's nobody, and at that time we weren't super plugged into our local community, like we didn't know these people very well, even though we've lived in our town for like 10 to 11 years now. But we had we've lived here, but we did work in the bigger town next to us, you know. Does that make sense? Um so yeah, the really the I think the biggest thing, I mean, I vividly remember telling my husband when he was like, Well, what if you just quit? I was like, that's not allowed. I was like, You have lost your marbles, dude. Like, what I sat with it. I mean, it probably took me a solid 30 days. I really sat with it. I was like, okay, well, who says I can't quit and why? Right. And so first it was like, you know, number one, dollars financially. Can I honestly quit and not work for a few months? I was like, well, we have a six-month runway roughly, so we can budget and plan and prepare. I was like, okay, well, thing number one, I'm not quitting tomorrow. Like, I've got a time, you know, I don't need to quit in February for her to start school in August when she was in a full-time daycare and stuff like that, right? So, so that was like thought number one. I had to think through that financially and we had to plan and prep for ourselves that way. Then two, it was now what am I going to do? And that was the biggest thing to sit with for a long time. I've done marketing, I went to school, I went to college for marketing, been in small business marketing my entire career in PR. And I was like, well, so much of marketing is digital and online. Like, I don't need to be in an office. I'm sure I can figure something out. And then three, I finally was just like, who cares? Like, honestly, so kind of cliche does that sound. It was almost just like my own healing of going, we've planned, we've saved the dollars, we have an idea. I'm not quitting forever because financially I had to do something. And then we agreed. I was like, I was gonna quit in June, and then she was gonna start school in August. And then sometime starting September, I was gonna find something to do. I was like, I'll just figure it out. I'll just figure it out. I'm just gonna wing it. I kind of live life that way a little bit. I'm like really hardcore cleaner, but on some things I'm like, I'll just figure it out. It's gonna be fine. And so that's what I did. Um I the I think the biggest thing, like you were asking, like the thought process of like wanting from to climb the corporate ladder to then switching to this. I realized, like looking back on my whole journey to where I started to where I am today, is I did it in stages. And I don't think I've could have gone from I'm working full time, I love my job, I'm doing all this to guess what? I'm quitting my job, I'm starting a homeschooling my kid, and I don't know if I'm gonna work or not. Like I would have self-construed, like deconstructed. What am I trying to say? Oh, thank you. I have like blown up, basically, is what that would have been. But I did it in stages. So she was in school for two years where I figured out my business, and that was ups and downs, left and rights, all over as I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do as a small business owner. And that's still evolving. And but I think that's natural as you still you know, and as moms, your kids are in different seasons. So what she was like at two is different than what she's like at eight, and it's gonna be different when she's 14. And so you've got to adapt what fits your family and your dynamic that works for you in that season that you're in. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

That's just confirmation. If you go back and listen to um one of the episodes, we well, we talk about the changing of seasons a lot, but we did one about that, just that. Like in whatever it looks like in that season, we have to be, I think, as moms in that control thing that we struggle with is that we struggle with the seasons as they change, right? So when we feel like we get something down and then it starts to evolve, it's like you're learning again all over. And everything you thought you knew and you got down a good rhythm and a good science now is completely blown up again, and you have to figure it out again. Which that takes a lot mentally to be able to be okay with okay, things evolve. I get to parent differently, I get to learn how to navigate a business differently, I get to navigate what it looks like to be home. You know, this is all different during these seasons, which is okay. We I think we take it as like we're being defeated. Like I don't know what to do in this situation, therefore I'm doing something wrong. And I have to look, I go into panic mode because I'm being defeated as a mom, which is certainly not the case at all.

SPEAKER_03 14:58

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I and I never had that like the life I'm living now as a small business owner, a homeschool mom, stay-at-home mom, whose husband is a first responder and is gone a third of the time. Like when I could like when I really sat down the other day and like compiled all those thoughts together, I was like, well, no wonder why I'm going great. You know, it just like, like I, it's a lot. And I never, and but this is all I know. Like my husband's schedule is the only schedule I know him working. He's been doing it the entire time I've in the 15 years I've known him. Like, I don't know anything different, you know, so I don't think about it that way. My mom was not a homeschool mom, she was not a stay-at-home mom. She was a corporate woman. She, I mean, she never said anything to me specifically about one way or the other by any means, but it's just what I saw. And I saw my friends' moms doing that too. And there was nothing wrong with it. My mom was there for every important thing in my life. Like, she was not, she never missed anything. So I was not deprived of my mom being there by any means. Like, but and we had a great family system. My grandparents lived down the street, you know, so they were there for you know after school pickup or could take us to soccer practice or whatever. So, like, I had such a strong family unit around us that I didn't think about like, mom's at work late again tonight. Like that never crossed my mind as a child. But I saw her work hard and accomplish some wonderful things. And I was like, that looks cool. Let me go, you know. But then I didn't. You know, I graduated, I met my husband, my senior of college, graduated, we got married two years later, like, and I had no desire to go work in a big city and do all that. So I think slowly, like, God planted seeds in my life that I didn't even realize until I got to this point. Like, going to a big city freaks me out, not gonna lie. Like, I appreciate them. Like I said, I grew up in the suburbs of Houston, but I've gone, you know, for work, I've traveled, gone to conferences in New York and all these big places, and I go and I'm a nervous wreck the whole time. I'm like, there's so many people, what's going on? You know, so it's it's interesting seeing my my path since graduating college in 2012 of like why I've stayed where I've stayed and then why I've done what I've done. And my husband's from a very tiny town in Texas, and so for him, where we live is huge, like and it's nothing. Yeah, like so. He's happy to live off the grid in the woods, not talking to anyone. And so it's it's really fun like seeing how we've merged that and then that path I've taken over the time too. But yeah, it's you know, and I think some of it's like the hustle boss babe culture of the 90s and the early 2000s that I grew up with as well. Nothing against it. And again, seasons, right? When you're fresh out of college and in your early 20s, or even if you're freshly married or like married, or even if you're third, like you can do all the things, or you can have all the things, you can't do all the things yourself, is what I tell a lot of people and moms, especially, right? Like you can have a career, great career. You can have an incredible marriage and kids, and they can do all the extracurriculars and all the you can do all these things, or you can have all these things, but you cannot do them. You are one human being and there's only 24 hours in a day. But unless you are a robot and you never go to bed, like which I don't recommend. So you have to be okay with either you outsource, you give up, you shift your priorities, you know. One of the great things I ever did was hire a house housekeeper. And I'm also guilty for doing it for even though I grew up. That's how you know my mom like that's how it was with my in my house too. Like my parents worked full-time, like well, they couldn't do it all either. And like I said, my grandparents were there and they could handle me and my brother, cook us dinners, you know, like so. You have to have your tribe of people too, and you realize like you as one individual can't do all the things, like it's not possible.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

It's just not. We talk about a village all the time, and I am big on outsourcing. I also, you know, in in different times of my life would have help cleaning the house and all the things, and so yeah, I mean, you have to you can't burn the candle at both ends. You have to prioritize and then ask for help. It's just so important, especially as a career mom, you know.

SPEAKER_03 19:00

Yeah. You have to show up for yourself first, right? Like, if you can't show up for yourself, how can you show up for anybody else in your life? Whether that's your spouse, your kids, your your employment, church community, volunteer opportunities, whatever. Like, if you can't even show up for yourself, and that's and that was the biggest thing. And like I I remember when we start dabbling in the idea of homeschooling, I looked at my husband, I was like, Are we crazy? Like, this is not off my radar. I didn't know anybody that homeschooled growing up. Like, you know, there was the homeschool stipulation, like the awkward kids, right? But here we are. We have an only we have one kid, we have an only child, and I was like, Great, like we're gonna be those people, the crazy ones. But it's so cool. Like, we've got such a great community around us, and in fact, she has more interaction than ever before in a that she did in a school setting. I mean, we're constantly with friends and playdates and field trip and you know, all these little things, and it's yeah, it's absolutely nuts. Like, I still I still don't believe them in this space.

SPEAKER_01 20:00

Did you ever have feelings of, or even still have feelings of like doubt or fear or things that you wrestle with? Because these are big changes, and I know that sometimes it takes us a long time to even, you know, the thoughts maybe come to us, we want something different. Like we live in a world where it's like the world of social media where things look perfect and on the outside, and and we'd comparison that comparison we talk about a lot. Is there, you know, and so you not only you know stepped out in faith and decided to like go through and make give yourself permission to make these changes. Do you deal with feelings now of like, did I make the right choice, or am I doing this right? Or, you know, the the fear and anxiety and things. Can you talk a little bit about those feelings as they come up and maybe how you navigate them? Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 20:47

So I would say when it comes to like my professional life, I don't doubt it much anymore. I definitely definitely don't doubt leaving like a nine to five. I would call it like the W-2 world. I don't doubt that. Like I it would probably have to take an act of God to send me back to a W-2 world. I'm not gonna lie, just unless I found something incredible, but it's you know, this is better for me. I've always wanted to do something on my own, have my own business of some sort. I mean, I'm still ironing out. I think there's doubt in like what I'm doing specifically for my business. And of course, even I was like, I got starting my business, and what's the first thing you do? You read all the entrepreneurship books, and you're like, how to hit a million dollars? And you're like, here I go, like, right? And then I'm like, wait, the whole point of quitting was to not be busy for eight hours a day. Like to not be glued at my computer. I was making up work, y'all. Like the husband's like, why are you up there in your office for eight hours? Like the whole point of you not working, I mean for the whole point of working for yourself was to not work eight hours. I was like, You're right, I'm doing literally nothing. Like, let me rearrange this spreadsheet 72 times and see if it looks different. Like I had like it was a lot you had to really untrain yourself from that eight to five mindset. Yeah, it was really weird. And I still struggle with that a little bit today, like and constantly being on, but set hard boundaries with my phone and my client. And you know, I basically work from like 10 to 4. And you can't talk to me anytime outside, anytime outside those hours, unless it's like a massive crisis kind of a thing. So yeah, in the beginning, there was a lot of doubt about was this a good. And then of course the biggest thing was financially, obviously, because you go from a paycheck to zero. So the first time that paycheck did not hit, I had a piled, mild panic attack. I was like, this is not okay. That got that got some fire lit under me real fast. Cause I was like, oh, wait till September and then really start looking. Well, you know, by July 1, when the paycheck did not come, I was like, yikes. So then I started looking and dabbling. And then so that for sure in the beginning. Yeah, it's that part's scary. But then here's the crazy thing too, and I've learned this from different business coaches, is again with the comparison of social media and stuff, like you see all these entrepreneurs and these business coaches, and they all they talk about is how to hit huge dollar numbers, how to hit six figures, seven figures, do all this stuff, like right? It's all about big, big, big, big, big. And I'm like, you guys, my goal, my goal, once we like re-budgeted our life knowing I was gonna quit, my goal is to bring in$1,000 a month. And we were like, that would be amazing. If I could just bring in$1,000 to our life, like we'll we'll be fine. We'll be more than golden because we re re-budgeted life and we were more than happy to do so. In fact, it was great. Like we cut Netflix and we cut all this other stuff that we really don't need, right? And so I remember the my very first client was like a$2,000 retainer on a monthly retainer. And I was like, okay, well, this is way more than I expected. So here we go. So you kind of shift your perspective too, because you get down to brass tacks of like, what do you really want? What is the purpose of all of this and what will bring you the most peace? And for me, and my in my family, peace is not me working like a maniac on my own business and going 9-0 all the time. Peace was, can I just bring in a thousand dollars a month? You know, so I really I think you've got to learn to like shift your perspective sometimes too. And that takes a lot of like inner thoughts and like inner self-reflection to see what that means for you. And that's different for everybody. So I can't answer that question for anybody, you know. You they really gotta answer themselves. And then I would say the doubts with homeschooling, I guess that was the next big shift was the homeschooling thing. Like, there was no, like I said, like at first it was a joke, but we still kind of joke. You know, I was like, Well, I can't mess up second grade too bad, right? Like if it doesn't work, she'll just go back to third grade. It's gonna be okay. But I've got such a strong community, and now I'm at first, I was I remember getting plugged into our co-op program, and I was like, wow, like these ladies have only ever homeschooled, and they know everything about these curriculums and these tips and tricks and all this cool stuff. And I was like, I just need math and language arts. I know she can do her core math and language arts, and we keep that going. That's all I can focus on in this first year. And now I'm that mom. I'm like Googling curriculum all night long, watching all these YouTube videos. Because then you just like your brain just starts whirling of like fun, cool things you can do, and the sky's the limit with whatever she's interested in. Like, she wants to study about birds for science next year. Great, let's do birds. Like, who cares? Like, that's what interests you. And so that part's really fun. I think there's always that little bit of doubt. And I think it's like in the general sense of am I doing enough? And I really have had to work on that on myself. I am an extreme perfectionist and a very high achiever. And so that's been the biggest thing for me. And I really think that's the lesson I've learned all this. Like, this is why God has put me in this situation, not situation, but this phase is because I had to erase that overachieving perfectionist of myself. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

I love that. I'd love to switch gears real quick. So you've said a couple of times that your husband is a first responder. So it's amazing. I have a whole lot of respect for first responders. And then as his wife, right? And the sacrifices you make, you and your daughter make for giving up their dad a 30-year time. Her dad is tell me, tell me what it's like about being a first responder's wife.

SPEAKER_03 26:01

Yeah. So he's a fireman, firefighter paramedic, and he has been his entire career, professional career, I guess like 17, 18 years now. I don't know any different. Like, but like, of course, like my parents had nine to five jobs, but for him, like he already had this job when we met. And so I don't know, you know, I've never had a very serious relationship before him, where, you know, like you figure out like work and life and all that kind of stuff. And so I on one hand, it's kind of like ignorance is bliss, because I don't know any different. You know, it's not like he was a nine to five person and switched like a few years into marriage. Now I'm like, oh my gosh, you're gone, kind of a thing. Because that happens. And I feel for those women because that I can't even imagine that shift, right? Like you're used to your husband home every night, and now he's gone every third day for 24 hours. And when they're, and I think what a lot of people don't realize about first responders, whether that's police, fire, or even like medical professionals, like doctors and stuff, like ER doctors and you know, that that kind of thing. When they're at work compared to someone who just works a corporate job, like they literally cannot leave work unless it is a massive catastrophe happening at your house. Like in the in the 15 years he and I have been together, I think there's only three times he's ever left work on shift, like he's left shift to come home, like because something was happening. One was a massive house disaster, like a pipe burst. Our dog died years ago, and one was when my daughter was an infant and I was like super dehydrated and like passing out. So he came home to help me, basically. So in 15 years, three times he's ever actually gone, you know, and people don't realize that. Like when you work a corporate job, you're like, okay, like something happened, I gotta go. I'll keep y'all posted. I can do this work from home kind of thing. Well, like he can't do his work from home. Like he has to kind of be at the fire station. And so, and again, it's all my daughter knows too, you know. So I think there's a piece of us that's ignorance is bliss, but that doesn't mean it's not easy. There's times, you know, he's just gone. He's missed, you know, like last year, she would when she turned seven, like he was at work the day of her birthday, which was like a Wednesday. So granted, we had already had a party planned for that next for that Saturday, but like the day of her actual birthday. And she was distraught. And yeah, I could tell it just like killed him. And so we spent the whole day in town and we went to the fire station, had cupcakes with them. Like we can go see him and stuff. Like, that's no problem. But there's gonna be the I mean there's been I mean, he's missed Christmases, he's missed birthdays, he's missed anniversaries, he missed Thanksgiving. But at the same time, we can easily go to the station and spend time with him there too. But it's just different. I mean, like, you know, when it was just us, it didn't matter. Like, because I would just go hang out with my family for that holiday or whatever, because they live pretty close. But now with a kid, especially a kid who knows, yeah, like that first Christmas, I think she was probably three or four old enough to understand Santa. So I'm just gonna put this disclaimer out there. If you got little ones listening right now about Santa, be careful for the next couple minutes. But like the first year she really understood Santa. He was on shift Christmas Day, and getting off on Christmas is hard. Like you have to have a lot of seniority to do that. And we were like, okay, but she was like, What well Santa can't come if dad's not here. Like she was just like, like her little before-year-old brain could not handle it. And so we came up with Firefighter Santa. Firefighter Santa comes the day before if your dad, mommy, or dad's on shift on Christmas Day, and so we did Christmas morning, Christmas Eve, you know, like so. You've got to adapt. And I think that's just kind of what you do. I don't know. Like, but it's not hard, like I would say the the hardest part for me, honestly, is, and I don't even realize it on a on a daily basis, is the mental load of being everything when he's gone. So when he's on shift, I now become mom, caregiver, house manager, protector, manage all the animals. We live on 30 acres. So we've got horses and dogs. We used to have cows. Like I've got, you know, like everything becomes my domain for 24 hours. It's not like, oh, I'll feed the dog, he feeds the horse, and someone, and then we both tag team dinner or whatever for the family, right? I'm it's a hundred percent me. And I've realized that more and more over the years, like that is hard and burdensome in a way, but it's like I don't think about it when it's happening. I just don't like when he comes home the next morning, we kind of have this ritual. I get like a solid 60 second hug. I'm like, I need my nervous system regulator to come back. And that's like the passing of the torch, like that 60 second hug regulates me, and I pass all the responsibility back over to him. Um, for then us to tag team life.

SPEAKER_01 30:33

I love that. I I think that this is super eye-opening. I think a lot of people don't realize when we're like in our own zones and we get in our own ruts of life, and you know, we're doing the same thing over and over again. We forget that other people live very different lives. And and other, you know, we rely on first responders. We rely on, you know, these people in human services to be there for us, and we don't realize what kind of toll that their family goes through. And so one, thank you for you know, your husband and and you and what you guys go through. Uh, because for me, like listening, it's like we just think that a cousin couldn't come to Christmas and we're like, this is ridiculous. It's the family tradition, you know, but giving right there are a lot of families that don't get to celebrate Christmases together or birthdays together. And it just kind of gives another perspective that like sometimes we make big deals out of things that I appreciate you sharing this because for me, just listening, I'm like, wow, yeah, okay. I, you know, I don't deal with that kind of stuff. And wow, what uh Chrissy does, she's got a daughter who's a police officer, right? And you know, and so you get that.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

Yeah, yeah, and it's not it well, yes, and no, yes, because of course it's my daughter. She doesn't live here and we don't share responsibilities. We don't have up, you know what I mean? Like the dynamics are obviously very different. Like I worry about her constantly when she's working, especially the overnight shift. So it's not so much like the time away, it's more like what is she being exposed to? Is she safe? You know, those type of concerns that families hold too. That you you didn't really speak much to that, but I'm sure that that weighs on you as well. It's like, you know, the unspoken piece of it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:11

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's always kind of in the back of your mind. Yeah. A little bit. I mean, granted, we live in a smaller community, like he's not like working in like the middle of like New York City or you know, Chicago or Houston or right, wherever it's like you're constantly doing like high-rise building rescues or something of that nature. Um, so there's a piece of that that it's, you know, they do more medical calls than fire calls, and that's very common for any first responder service. You end up doing more medical situations than actual like fire rescue situations. And so I guess his like immediate danger, I don't think much about that as much, but it's always there. You know, I think it's just always kind of there. But like I said, there's a piece of me that's a little bit thankful for the that's this is all I know with him, you know, and his career. Because I I understand, like we have friends in the fire service where the husband started as something else, like some other kind of nine to five job, and they switched, and that's a hard switch. And just like anything, whether you're military or oil field and you're gone for weeks at a time or months at a time, even two, right? Yeah, that becomes I mean, we can go down a whole rabbit hole of like feminine and masculine energy here, but like that's it. I don't I guess I never realized it until about the past year about how much I kind of subconsciously take on because I have to when he's gone, right? Right. There's no like, oh, can you do this and I'll do that and we'll meet in the middle and coordinate these things. Nope, it's me. Now, granted, it's much easier now that I have an older kid who's more than capable to go feed the dog and take out the trash and all that stuff. But when she was a baby and a toddler, that added a whole different level to it, you know, just because she you couldn't leave her alone, you had to strap her on, take her with you, or whatever. Like she wasn't helpful, but she was in your way. She's so tiny, she's there. And everything bad happens on shift. You can get a flat tire, the kid gets sick, the whatever. Like you just know that it will always happen that way. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

I did have a question that I wrote down earlier in the conversation, but it kind of makes sense to to ask it now in talking about your relationship with your husband and and kind of how that work life and how you guys navigate that together. Did you see a shift or was there a period of time where you guys had to like refigure out your because your identity kind of changed going from like corporate out of the house? You kind of both come home and you know, and then there's times when he's out. But kind of like navigating that that shift that you've that this journey that you've been on over the last few years, has there been, did it have any effect on your relationship? Did you kind of have to relearn each other or figure things out? Because I think sometimes we go into we fear change. We a lot of times, you know, people work against each other versus together, and then they're you know, and we just kind of have to re figure out what that relationship looks like amongst the change.

SPEAKER_03 35:01

Yeah, absolutely. So I'll backtrack just a tiny bit. So fresh out of college, my first job was actually a remote job. Oh, crazy enough. Before remote was like a thing, like a common working thing. So yeah, I got I got a job through a family friend doing marketing, but their their their franchises were all in different cities in Texas. And so I traveled a tiny bit, maybe one or two days a month, tops, but we were freshly married, and it was no big deal for me to be gone for like 24, 48 hours, right? No big deal. Then I switched jobs and got a job here in town. Oh man, I guess when did I start that job? 2017. And it was needed. I was going crazy at home. I talked to my dog way too much. It was not good. Like I needed to be around people. And so it was great to go actually be in an office. I was doing tourism work for our small community, specific, specifically our historic downtown. We ran events, I promoted the small businesses, we like anything in like hospitality and tourism. So I went from being at home 24-7, bored out of my mind, to constant everything. And it was great for that season, 100%. Like I needed people, I loved it. And then I worked there for about a year and a half and then I got pregnant. And then when my daughter was born in 2018, I went back to work. That's when things really shifted because now there was a whole new person in the mix, right? Like, and granted, my work was very flexible. Her daycare was five minutes down the road from my office. Like I could work from home if she was sick. Like, there was so much flexibility in that time frame. I had great opportunities that way, but I did a lot of weekend work and I worked for a nonprofit. So I did a lot of work for not very much money. No overtime, no extra benefits, nothing of that nature. You know, we ran events on Friday nights and the weekends, and thank goodness my parents lived close and could help with the kid if he was on shift and I had to work this event kind of a thing. You know, like granted, like if I worked on a Friday night, then I could just work from home on a Monday, right? Like I had flexibility. But the fact of the matter was I wanted to go be there. I wanted to do my job. It was so fun. I had such a great group of people, met my best friend through that job. At the same time, I wanted to be with my child and my husband more. But our, you know, as the universe would have it, our schedules never aligned. The day he would be off was like the two days I had a big event over the weekend. And then I would be off on the Sunday after the event was over, and that's the day he was on shift. So what really happened is like our schedules just became opposite. And so we kind of became roommates a little bit, and then COVID hit. And like I said, that was the huge pivotal factor for, like I said, not just us in like chilling, relaxing. Obviously, he was still working. Right now added a whole different layer because he was a first responder during COVID. But like we really spent more time with each other than we had had in the like the two or three years previous. Like, not only just as a family and with our kid, but as he and I as a husband at wife too. And so, yeah, that was like a huge eye opener. And I we had some good slash hard conversations about like, you know, we but for both of us in our own respective ways, like our identities are not in our work, you know. As he always, he's a very black and white man, and I love him dearly for that. And he's like, they can fire you tomorrow and replace you and the next day after that, and they will never call you again. And that's, you know, I had a six-month runway to quit, and I mapped out everything for them. I was like, oh, they're gonna call me, they're gonna need something. They will, I know it. Nothing. I've never heard from those people ever again. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's so like everyone's replaceable. And so it's like if you put your whole identity into your professional life, and there's nothing to say like you don't want to go and do a good job and do something you're passionate about or doing good work in the world and stewarding something good, but at the same day, you could be a seller employee and resign for the best of reasons and they'll never call you again.

SPEAKER_00 38:44

Yeah, you're definitely replaceable at work, but you're not replaceable at home. So it's really trying to shift that for those. And it's hard because I'm a career, I'm a career woman. I will always be a career woman. I've worked hard my entire life, I will never not work hard. And it it I've had to step back because I've I've always said my work got the best of me, my kids got the rest of me. And that was true for my older kids who are now adults. And I really wanted to shift for my younger one.

SPEAKER_03 39:12

So absolutely, absolutely, and you've got, and I think like the whole premise of today's episode is you have the permission to change in the different seasons, right? Like who I was at 22, fresh out of college, is vastly different than who I am today at 36, homeschooling a second grader and having my own small business, right? I'm not trying to hit 50k months or make a million dollars a year, whatever. Like, I'm happy just with enough. I'm happy with just enough. It's just enough. In fact, I'm even thinking, like, how can I stop doing what I'm doing now? It but still obviously still make some money and contribute to our household income. But like, how can I do less and be more involved and do more things for my family, for my kids? She's only gonna be eight once, you know. Like, how can I get more plugged in now, knowing I've got years to when she's older, something else might happen or come along. When she goes to college, I could do something different then. Like it's just, and I think that's the thing is we all kind of just have this picturesque thing, you know, image in our head of like you go to college, you graduate, you do the job with your briefcase and the things, and you know, then you get married and you have kids and you just do the status quo. Well, who says why? Like, why do you have to do that, right? You can be the corporate person for three to five years, and then you can start a family one day and realize you don't have time for that, and that's not your priority, and that's okay. I think that's the biggest thing we as women struggle with is because it's hard. You know, you always heard, you know, like you don't want to jump around jobs, it looks weird on your resume, people don't think you're stable and reliable. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I decided to put my kid first. Like, I don't how is that not stable and reliable? Like, I don't know what else to tell you.

SPEAKER_00 40:58

If a job is no longer what you want to be doing, it's okay to change. And people get stuck and they stay in the same career for 20, 30 years and they're miserable, and they're literally just on autopilot and just getting through the day and living for the weekends. They start Monday in a bad mood and they barely get through the weekend, and then they're celebrating on Saturday, and then Sunday they're complaining that it's already Monday tomorrow. When it's the same vicious cycle, I refuse to live that way. I refuse to do that, I refuse to stay in a job where I am completely miserable. I don't care. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 41:30

Yeah, and that's why I tell every college student, I'm like, take the weird internship, take the weird class, do the weird stuff, because then you might find something you never knew existed, or you might be like, haha, never again. Like I am not doing that. Important to know, right? Yeah, exactly. It's a knowing what you don't want or don't like is equally as important as knowing what you do like or you do want or what path you're headed on. I interned at a wine bar in college. I was a marketing intern for a super fancy wine bar in Houston. I was like, this is not my, this is not my cup of tea. Love a good glass of wine every once in a while, don't get me wrong. But it was like way out of my scope. Like I was in like the hoity-toity part of Houston, was like not, I was it was just not my personality by any means. I was like, well, check that box. Don't want to be in the restaurant business, you know. Like, you know, you just to me, that's part of learning and exploring of like who you are and what you do and what brings you joy and what your gifts and talents are and that you how you serve the world is you learn and you grow and you explore, whether that's through a volunteer opportunity, an internship, an actual job. And then guess what? You might wake up one day and you're like, wow, I don't like anything anymore.

SPEAKER_01 42:37

And how am I going to adjust that? And at any age, right? Society creates this picture that we have to, like you said, go through the the college, graduate, start a family, get in a career, start, you know, climbing this ladder. And it's like we should hit our peak by, you know, 35, 40. And it's for somebody to be able to make the choice to change at any age, it doesn't matter how long you've been in one career, or it doesn't matter how long you've been in a certain job or position. At any age, if you feel the need, desire, like I don't want to feel stuck anymore. I don't want to hate going to work on a Monday morning. I don't want to, you know, feel like I'm just surviving my life at any age, whatever season your children in. I mean, there could be empty nesters that are like, this is it. Like, I just want something different or I want something more, giving yourself the permission to be like, yeah, okay, I want to go back to school, I want to get a degree, I want to change jobs, I want to open, I want to become an entrepreneur, I want to open my own business. How do I do this? I think there's just something empowering by being like, it's my life. You get one chance at this. That's it. Yeah. And every day that goes by is one day closer to that's it. And deciding today that you're not gonna let the fear or you're not gonna let the society's standards for you, you know, the social, the social pressure, like you know, I'm gonna quit my job and go to it's like everybody's like, What? Why? You make good money, you have a great. Job, why would you do that? And it's like, because it's my life, and I get what it looks like. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 44:05

And you always like the grass is not greener on the other side either, right? Like I learned that lesson when my daughter was little bitty. And like my best friend who I worked with, like when our when COVID hit and the company was like changing and stuff, you know, with layoffs and different things. She became like interim director for a short stint. And I rem I mean I was so proud of her and so happy for her, but I remember being so jealous too at the same time. And I was mad at myself for being jealous. And I was like, but equally so proud of her and for like because she deserved it a hundred percent. And I remember I finally just opened up to her about it one day. We're on a Zoom call and like, you know, during COVID lockdown. And I'm like crying, and I'm like, no one's gonna ever look at me the same because I'm a mom. And I was like, I had already given like been passed up on opportunities because, like, oh, well, you have a little one, like you just don't have the time. I'm like, you didn't even ask me. Like, you didn't even give me the opportunity. You just assumed things. And she looked at me and she said, I would kill to have what you have right now. I would kill to have a child. After years of struggling with infertility, she was like, I don't have an answer. I would kill to have anything that you would have right now. I would happily give this up to have what you have at your house. I was like, wow, like that was a huge slap in my face, like in the best way possible. And I really took that to heart. And I really try to think about that in any state. If someone's like, and they want to go climb corporate ladder, they want to go backpacking through Europe, or they want to have 27 kids. I'm like, you do you, boo. Like, I love that for you. If that's what's gonna work for you, that's amazing. You go do it, and I hope you have like the most incredible experience ever. And I really try to keep that to heart because you just never know what someone's going through, you know, and you never heard some silly little thing on on social media the other day. It's like, don't yuck on other people's yums. And I loved that phrase. Yes, like it was kids say it all the time. Like there this lady was saying it in the like the life sense like don't yuck on other people's yums. Like if they want to go and you know, leave the world behind and just go live off the grid and explore life and nature, cool. More power to them. I like air conditioning. I couldn't do that. Like, you know, like like it's but it's so cool. It takes all types to make the world go around. And it's like if you just embrace and just be happy for those people, then I think it would be such a less judgmental place and we would not feel so compared all the time.

SPEAKER_01 46:29

Yeah, I agree. I think that's a really important piece to kind of sit with or end with. That was a we do tend to compare and the world we live in. It's so easy to see people's highlight reels and think, oh, I should be doing this, or I need to go over here, or look what she's doing. That's what I should be doing. But like you said, it's not greener. Stay in your lane and really put your head down and figure out what works best for you and what you want. Chrissy talks a lot about like your values. Like, what do you value? Just because somebody else values something else doesn't mean that you have to like really get to the root of you and your family and what's core for you, and then chase that because it really is easy to get sidetracked today. Yes, absolutely. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for hanging out with us and spending time with us and choosing to uh saying yes. I couldn't wait to to have you on to share your story because I think it is important for people to know that it is okay to change.

SPEAKER_03 47:23

Yes, thank you. Oh my gosh, I love this time like I can talk about this stuff all day long. So it's been so people.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

All right. Well, thanks for hanging out with us on Mom Fuel and Mindset. If today's conversation spoke to you, take it as your reminder that happy moms don't come from doing more. They come from choosing themselves and owning their growth.

SPEAKER_01 47:45

If you loved this episode, please be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another mom who needs a little fuel and a mindset shift today.

SPEAKER_00 47:53

Until next time, keep showing up for yourself, keep growing forward, and remember happy moms own their growth. See you soon.