Sometimes, I was the problem

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Good morning. Welcome to Gentle Hours. Before we begin, I want you to get comfortable wherever you are. If you're driving, simply listen. If you're sitting with your coffee, settle into that for a moment. If you're moving through your morning routine, allow these next few moments to be a gift that you give yourself. Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose. Hold it for a moment. Now release it slowly. Again breathe in and breathe out. One more time, breathe in deeply and let it go. Today I want us to sit with a phrase that may have taken me years to become comfortable saying. Now, before your mind begins to gather evidence about why you weren't, before you start remembering all the people who disappointed you, all the situations that were not your fault, all the moments where you genuinely were the one who got hurt, please let me say this. This is not about blame. This is about being honest. One thing that I've learned about healing is that it becomes difficult to grow beyond something you refuse to acknowledge. And sometimes we become so focused on what happened to us that we never stop long enough to examine what was happening within us. I want you to take another breath. Breathe in and release. You know, I used to think that maturity meant becoming really good at recognizing unhealthy behavior in other people. I could tell you who was inconsistent. I could tell you who lacked integrity, I could tell you who wasn't showing up properly, I could tell you who needed accountability, and I could tell you exactly why a situation wasn't working. What took me much longer to learn was how to apply that same level of observation to myself. Because, in all honesty, there were seasons where I kept saying I was tired of being disappointed by people, but I wasn't paying attention to how often I was disappointing myself. My intuition would tell me that something wasn't right. My spirit would become unsettled. The signs would be standing directly in front of me, and somehow I would convince myself to stay longer than I should have, explain away things I should have addressed, or keep hoping for an outcome that reality had already spoken against. Sometimes we know. We know the conversation that needed to happen. We know that the boundary we didn't have needs to be established. We also know the opportunity that we should pursue. We know the habit that is hurting us. We know the relationship that has run its course, we know the thing that we've outgrown, and yet we stay in negotiation with ourselves because the truth requires some form of movement. And for a lot of us, movement can be uncomfortable. Take a breath. Breathe in, and I want you to let that go. One of the hardest realizations that I ever had was understanding that some of my suffering came from repeatedly arguing with things I already knew. Some things genuinely happened to me. Some things genuinely hurt, some people genuinely mishandled me. But there were also moments where life had already given me the answer and I kept trying to change the question. I would see inconsistency and still think that there was some potential. I would see avoidance and still say that, you know, I needed time. I would see a lack of effort and call it, you know, just a rough patch, a rough season in my life. I would see the truth standing in front of me and then create a story that made me more comfortable. And baby, you know, that is difficult to admit. Because it requires you to stop looking for villains long enough to recognize where your own choices were, participating in its own pain. I want you to take a deep breath. Breathe in slowly. Hold it and release. Sometimes we hear the phrase, I was the problem, and immediately assumed it means that we are a bad person. But that's not the connotation or what I'm talking about here. Sometimes I was the problem because I was operating from fear. Fear had me, you know, shrinking myself when I should have been expanding. Fear had me questioning things God had already placed in my hands. Fear had me talking myself out of opportunities because I was more concerned with what could go wrong than what could go right. And fear, you know, sometimes it doesn't look all dramatic. It can be practical. It can sound, you know, very responsible. And fear can also look like caution, but underneath all of that is still fear. And there were moments where fear was making decisions that should have been made through faith, wisdom, and confidence. And I was saying yes, and I meant no. Giving from places that were already depleted. I was also, you know, showing up for everybody while neglecting myself and then wondering why. You know, resentment started creeping into spaces where love once lived. The problem wasn't that I cared, the problem was that I had convinced myself that being needed was the same thing as being valued. And those are not the same things. Sometimes I was a problem because I kept expecting different outcomes from the same patterns. You know, we pray for peace and then we entertain the chaos. We pray for clarity and then ignoring the signs of everything that shows us clarity. We pray for change while remaining committed to habits that keep producing the same results and growth. Require me to stop saying that I wanted something different and started behaving differently. I need you to take a deep breath and then let it go. The older that I've gotten, the less interested I am in being right, and the more interested I am in being whole. Because being right doesn't necessarily heal you. Being right doesn't automatically free you. Being right doesn't always make you move forward. Sometimes being right simply keeps you standing in the same place with evidence. It offers, you know, the courage to sit with yourself. You often say to yourself, you know, there is something I need to learn. There is a pattern that I need to examine in my life. There is a wound that is influencing my decisions, and there is a blind spot that I haven't noticed. And we gotta be comfortable with being honest with ourselves. Once you identify something, you can address it. Once you acknowledge it, you can work through it. Once you become aware of it, you can choose differently. I want to tell you something that I wish someone had told me years ago. You can take accountability for your choices, but it doesn't mean that you have to tie it to shame. Shame makes us think, you know, I made a mistake, therefore I am a mistake. But accountability says that I made a mistake, therefore, there is something to learn. One will keep you stuck, the other will keep you growing. And maybe that's why so many people avoid accountability because they confuse it with some form of condemnation. But accountability isn't standing in a courtroom waiting for a punishment, my baby. It's standing in front of a mirror willing to tell the truth. And baby, the truth is not your enemy. The truth is often the beginning of your freedom. So today, I want you to consider something. Where have you been asking why this keeps happening without asking what this keeps teaching? Where have you been focused on changing other people while avoiding changes within yourself? Where have you been hoping life would produce different results without requiring different choices? I don't want you to criticize yourself, and I don't want you to carry guilt. Because growth begins where honesty is an open portal to allowing you to live. So I need you to take one more breath because I know it was heavy, you know. Sometimes it's hard to say that we are the problem. And on another note, sometimes it's hard to say we are the angry one. We are the toxic one, we are the one who totes bad news. Sometimes we can be into situations that we shouldn't be. But the beautiful thing is learning what's on the other side of that. And I can admit that sometimes I was the problem. And I wouldn't link that to being broken. I wouldn't say that I was unworthy. I wouldn't even say I was a bad person because I was still learning and healing and growing and becoming. And the beautiful thing about becoming is that it leaves room for change. So I need you to give yourself grace today. But don't use grace to avoid truth. Allow grace and truth to sit right next to each other. I want you to allow compassion and accountability to also be married to each other. Allow yourself to be a work in progress and a person worthy of love at the same time. Thank you for spending these gentle hours with me. And until next time, be gentle with yourself, but honest with yourself too. Have a beautiful week.