Tap Out

Ever notice how a relationship can feel heavy even when no one is shouting? We go straight at the quiet habit that does the most damage: keeping a running list of old hurts and using it to punish the person you’ve chosen to stay with. Through Steph’s candid story about the early years with Chris—betrayal, apologies, and a cycle of emotional payback—we trace how resentment sneaks from “self-protection” into self-sabotage, stealing sleep, softening joy, and shrinking the best parts of who you are.

We unpack why waiting for one more apology never delivers peace, and how shifting responsibility back to yourself changes everything. Forgiveness here isn’t denial; it’s deciding to stop bleeding from the same wound. We explore practical tools to move forward: replacing global accusations with clear plans, setting boundaries you can actually honour, and choosing language that builds safety rather than debt. You’ll hear how letting go restored ease in our home, from better sleep to quicker recovery after disagreements, and why living in the murky middle—staying while punishing—hurts both the relationship and your self-respect.

If you’re torn between staying and simmering, this conversation offers a humane, actionable path: truly forgive and rebuild, or walk away with honesty. Along the way, we share a simple weekly challenge to help you close the book on old stories and reclaim presence, play, and warmth. Subscribe, send this to someone who needs it, and leave a review with the one belief about forgiveness you’re ready to test next. Your peace, your boundaries, your joy—start here.

Transcript

Welcome And Subscribe

Naming The Quiet Relationship Killer

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Hi gorgeous. It's that time again where you get to sit back, relax, and listen to another episode of Smell the Roses with Steph. If this podcast speaks to your heart, go ahead and hit the subscribe button. Make sure you follow the show so you'll get all the updates and never miss a new episode. Today we're talking about something that quietly destroys relationships. And honestly, it also destroys us if we let it. What is it you ask? That running mental list of things your partner did three months ago, two years ago, maybe even ten years ago. You know the one.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

You're not bringing that up again. Come on, really.

Steph And Chris: Early Wounds

Resentment’s Cost On Self

You Owe Yourself Peace

SPEAKER_01 1:09

You say you're still in the relationship, but emotionally you're holding on to every past wound like evidence in a courtroom. Today I want to say something that might feel a little confronting. If you truly wanted to leave, you probably already would have. Just pause and think about that for a moment. You're still here still sharing a home, still sharing a life, still waking up next to this person. So if you've chosen to stay, then the real question becomes why are you still carrying all that baggage? It's time for you to tap out. Early on in my relationship with my husband Chris, there were times when he betrayed my trust, hurt me to my core, ripped my heart out and threw it on the floor. And in return I did the same to him. We were young, and we were in the mindset of you hurt me, I am going to hurt you. After the first few rocky years of emotionally trying to get in sync, we tested one another. We pushed each other to our limits when it came to arguing. I held on to the hurt and pain. I thought about it over and over again, punishing him every chance I got, every wrong move he made. I was sure to make him aware of it. Yes, Chris hurt me once, twice, even three times, but what I was doing was so much worse. Every day I resented him. I made him pay by making him feel like he owed me. Even though I accepted his apology, it wasn't enough. I began toying with him emotionally, by withholding affection. Every mishap we had I would verbally abuse him, threaten to leave him. And do you want to know the sad truth? I had already forgiven Chris, and he did not deserve to be treated so unkindly for a mistake he had made, but I wanted him to pay in some cruel, unjust way, but in the end my actions only hurt me. Chris took it on the chin as he believed he was in the wrong. But I took it too far. Then one day I realized something. When I looked at Chris in bed at night, he slept like a baby. He would get up in the morning feeling light and carrying on with his day with a smile on his face and joy in his eyes. While I was restless, I had broken sleep patterns, and I woke up feeling tired, angry and bothered. My days were heavy and hard. Do you know why? Because carrying the burden of resentment and old judgments is heavy. So I decided to take a look in the mirror, and I made a decision to stop holding on to the past as it was altering my personality. I told myself to forgive and forget. I knew I wanted to be with Chris. I could see a bright future together, and the only thing standing in my way to achieving that was me. Here's the truth we don't always want to hear. Your partner actually owes you nothing.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

People make mistakes. We are only human.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

They don't owe you more apologies for something they believe they have already been forgiven for. A relationship is not a lifetime sentence for mistakes that you supposedly already worked through. I know that might sound harsh, but it's also incredibly freeing. Because if they owe you nothing, then you're not trapped waiting for them to fix it. You owe something far more important. You owe it to yourself. You owe yourself peace. You owe yourself emotional maturity. You owe yourself the ability to live in the present instead of constantly reopening old wounds.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

You hurt me too, but I won't hold that against you.

Choose Forgive Or Walk Away

Weekly Challenge And Close

SPEAKER_01 6:45

When we keep digging up the past, something subtle starts happening. We slowly erode our own self respect. We start becoming the person who nags, criticizes, punishes, withdraws, keeps score. And that version of ourselves is ugly and it doesn't feel good. It chips away at your identity because resentment isn't just poison for the relationship, it's poison for you. And here's the tough love moment. If you keep walking this path, holding grudges, replaying old arguments, punishing your partner for things you already chose to stay through, eventually you won't just damage the relationship, you'll damage the way you see yourself. You'll lose the version of you that was kind, open, playful and loving. And no relationship is worth losing yourself over. So at some point we have to make a decision. Either truly forgive and move forward or be honest enough to walk away. But living in that middle space staying while emotionally punishing someone forever, that's the most destructive place you can be for the both of you. Forgiveness doesn't mean what happened was okay. It means you're choosing not to keep bleeding from the same wound. It means you're choosing peace over being right. It means you're finally letting today be today instead of dragging yesterday into every conversation. So if this resonates with you, here's a little challenge for the week. Ask yourself one honest question. Am I staying in this relationship or am I just staying angry? Because if you're staying really staying, then it might be time to finally put down the old story. Let go of judges, stop pretending you want out when you clearly haven't left. Start building the relationship you're actually choosing to be in. Your peace depends on it, your self respect depends on it, and honestly, your happiness depends on it too. Chris and I are living proof. By choosing forgiveness, truly letting go of past resentment, hurt and pain, it strengthens your relationship, heals the soul, and help builds a long lifetime together. Thank you for tuning in, for sharing your time and your energy with me. This episode was a lot to reflect on, so take a moment to pause, breathe deep and let it all out on the exhale. Find some time to yourself to reflect, slow down and find positivity in your days ahead. Until next time, keep smiling.