Episode 12 | The People Pleaser: Signs & Symptoms

Welcome To The Womanhood Podcast.

In this weeks’ episode, we’re exploring the difference between being nice 💚 and people pleasing. We’ll also discuss how to embody this Wisdom, and integrate it into your life for lasting effect, and I end with #3 Hot Tips on how to embody this Womanhood Wisdom and integrate it into your life for lasting effect.

RESOURCES: 

🤸🏽‍♀️ 7-Day Beginner Somatic Practice (link to watch): https://youtu.be/I-0RYEQkZiM?si=kVrgR7vB53Z-BbLI 

🌀 2-Day Portal Into Stillness Mini Course (buy link): https://buy.stripe.com/7sYcN48lz1IldjY5Rw5EY0j 

🌀 2-Day Portal Into Stillness Mini Course (info link): https://www.somaticbody.com.au/programs-courses 

Join Our Sisterhood 💞 Community (link to apply): https://ywz8buru.forms.app/sisterhood-chat-application-form 

🔮 Book an Energy Session or Somatic Womb Session With Me: https://www.somaticbody.com.au/one-on-one-consults

Connect With Me:

IG 📲 @somatic.body

Website 🌐 https://www.somaticbody.com.au

With Love, Shannon

🔻 Somatic & Energetic Integration Specialist for Women,

🔻 Creatress of the Feminine Harmony™ Program and the SomaCycle™ Method.

🔻 Feminine Systems Educator | Reclamation Guide | Ritual Facilitator

🔻 Foundress of Somatic Body™ - a space devoted to helping women reconnect to their feminine bodies.

00:50 Introduction: What This Episode Is Covering

02:07 What Is People Pleasing? V.s. Kindness and niceness.

03:05 What You’ll Receive From This Episode

05:45 The People Pleaser Archetype & Trauma Responses

06:46 The Martyr & The People Pleaser

08:51 The Knee-Jerk Reaction: YES Response

10:00 Throat Issues: Communication

10:46 Chest-Space Issues & Poor Upper Body Posture

11:34 Physical Exhaustion & Irritability (Emotions)

12:40 A Real Emotional Hypersensitivity

12:25 People Pleaser Summary & Flagging The Compliments

15:53 Coming Back To Posture: The Guarded Heart V.s. Open Heart

18:00 The Solution: What Can Be Done

18:57 Challenges Along The People Pleaser Healing Journey

21:00 The Permission Slip (Which We Never Actually Need)

22:22 Where To Begin Your People Pleaser Healing Journey

23:29 My 3 HOT TIPS For Today

25:06 For Hot Tips 2-3: Using Discernment For Social Plans

26:49 Finalising & Whats Next On The Womanhood Podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the Womanhood Podcast. I'm your host, Shannon, Somatic and Energetic Integration Specialist for Women, founder of Somatic Body and creatrice of the Soma Cycle Method and the Feminine Harmony Program. And I'm here to inspire you to reclaim your rhythms, remember your wisdom, and root into your womanhood. Each week I'll be discussing topics centered around our womanhood from a multifaceted, somatic, and energetic viewpoint, weaving together both science with spirituality and masculinity with femininity. We'll be talking cyclical natures and rhythms, intuition, instincts, ancient womb wisdom, and grounded embodiment strategies. Find yourself a cozy space and let's get started. I think we need to separate people pleasing from niceness. Because niceness isn't a bad thing. You know, being helpful, being thoughtful for others, being accommodating and hospitable to others in your household, for example, all of those things aren't bad things. But it's people pleasing. When people pleasing the archetype itself and the characteristics, the way it presents, and the reasons behind the niceness, if that's there, that's something else entirely. And that's why I think we need to separate it. So we're going to be exploring that in this episode of the Womanhood podcast. We're going to be exploring the archetype, the signs and symptoms of the people pleaser. We're going to be unpacking them so that you or those around you, you can better identify when people pleasing is coming into the mix versus when someone's just being genuinely nice and has the capacity to hold space and be nice in that way. And also what niceness really means. You might start to unpack that definition of niceness for yourself. And to me, niceness is genuinely authentic and showing up to support when you do have space, but also having the boundaries to assert yourself when you genuinely don't have the capacity to hold space and be there and show up for others. And so I really do think there is a difference between people pleasing and niceness when we look at it from that perspective. So let's start to unpack that in this episode. And so let's start with what people pleasing really is when we're contrasting that with kindness. What people pleasing is in a way of being, when we're being that archetype, it is a survival response at its core essence. So it's it's the layer underneath the niceness. It's the layer underneath that superficial way of being, it's that depth. Where does that drive for being nice come from? Does it come from, again, holding space and having the ability to genuinely hold space and the energy to hold space so you're not exhausted afterwards? Or do you feel exhausted afterwards after helping someone? And what was driving you? Did you feel stressed in that moment or did you genuinely enjoy yourself when you were helping that person? Did you feel calm? Did you feel really anxious when you were helping them? This is where we start to look at what's happening underneath that surface level of niceties, of helping others, of showing up for others and holding space for others. We're looking at that fundamental deeper layer there, that that inner layer of the sandwich. And so when we look at people pleasing, we're looking at fawning responses, a lack of boundary setting, either self-boundaries and therefore the boundaries you hold with others, or just the inability to assert your boundaries to others, even though you know them for yourself. We're also going to be looking at somatic safety, which goes hand in hand with the nervous system and that fawning response, and emotional patterns also going hand in hand with our nervous system and our fawning response. And so this episode is really going to take you through that concept of people pleasing as an archetype, differentiating that from holding space and just being nice and having the capacity to hold space. And it's going to help you to identify whether you yourself are a people pleaser or those are around you who are people pleaser through somatic cues. We're going to start to explore that for ourselves as well, based on the characteristics that this archetype presents as both through signs and symptoms of the physical body as well as those metaphysical things. What are the thoughts going on? What are the emotions that come through as I'm people pleasing? What is that energetic drain or lack of drive underneath? What is the general energy underneath when we are showing up for others, holding space for others? And we're also going to invite some ways and tips to set boundaries and create a little more freedom for yourself in that way. If we can get better at our yeses and no's, but not only that on a physical way of speaking our yeses and no's, but just asserting our boundaries even energetically with our behaviors and how we how we respond to others. You know, it's like the perfect example, actually, is like when you are mid-conversation with someone and you are just not there anymore. You don't have the capacity to listen anymore. They've been talking at you instead of with you, and you're getting drained. The best thing you can do is say, Oh, I've got to do something. Yeah, sure, but it's not always that easy. Sometimes the behavior will speak for itself. Slowly start backing up out of the house and saying goodbye as they're talking, nodding. Like, yes, that's great. I I love that. I just, I gotta go, or I don't have the space for this anymore. If you're not at that point where you feel like you can't vocalize that yet, start working on that. Start working on your communication skills. I'm not saying don't communicate that to the person. Communication is always important. But also starting to express with your body language, for example. Starting to leave their environment as you're wanting to leave, because that's what your energy is wanting to do. It's wanting to go. So starting to respond in that way rather than being so rigid and like, oh yeah, and just like being somewhere you don't want to be and not saying what you need to say. So that's one example of how we're gonna look at everything from a behavioral perspective, from you know, metaphysical perspective, mental, emotional, energetic, as well as the signs and symptoms that will show up physically in the body through psychosomatic connections. So let's come back to what I believe people pleasing really is at its core, and that is a survival strategy. I truly believe that. After witnessing it for myself, having to unpack it for myself, and still having to unpack that from time to time for myself, or witnessing it in others and the ways they deal with it, I would say it is a survival strategy. And there is enough nervous system awareness out there now for us to know what the fawn response is. And essentially the people pleaser is rooted in that survival strategy, that survival concept, or I guess layout that they've set for themselves based on a fear of conflict, abandonment, or even early conditioning, you know, parental conditioning, teachers in school, families. It's the thing that says, if I stay agreeable, I stay safe. And that really is like the thought process when we think about the mental body. That is the thought process on an unconscious level or on a semi-conscious level, is like, oh, if I stay agreeable, I'll stay safe. That's that fawning response. I'll give you an example of a bit of an interplay. It's a bit of an interplay between people pleasing and the martyr archetype because it can go into both archetypes. Like the martyr tends to have more of a happy face, but then a negative, resentful reaction after the people pleasing. Whereas the people pleaser has the happy face and just puts it on the whole time. So they are very similar in terms of their archetypes and the ways of being. But an example of, you know, staying agreeable so you'll stay safe is that as soon as someone needs something from you, your mouth says, yeah, of course, before your brain's even had a chance to really register, feel out how that feels in your body and make a intentional decision before your brain and your body and your mind, your whole body even has a chance to intervene. And so that really is a behavior, if that's something you're listening to right now. That is something that is a part of the people pleaser, the way of being, that archetype. So that's one thing to flag, and that's an example of if I stay agreeable, I stay safe. And that really is that survival strategy. It's like I stay safe if I'm agreeable, I stay loved and appreciated if I'm appeasing others. As soon as someone needs something, I'm there. I'm the reliable one. And that also, again, plays into the martyr archetype and the martyrdom. But with the martyr, it's like it's been thrusted upon them. For example, a lot of uh older siblings in family dynamics who have had to take on the mother role or the father role for whatever reason, they tend to take on more of the martyr archetype. They are not hiding their expression of their resentment for needing to take care of people. But when it comes to the people pleaser, it's like this face, this mask of needing to appear perfect all the time, needing to be on all the time and say yes all the time. And it's not that that necessarily comes from something they learn from other people, because we're not here to blame, but it's just it's what our experiences as we grow up have come to teach some of us, some of us who play into the people pleaser archetype and the MADA archetype. So that's kind of an example of the mental body and what we we kind of notice in our brain that kind of happens as a like knee-jerk reaction when people ask and want to have your help or you feel needed. There's that immediate like yes response before your brain's even had a conscious chance to register if that's even something you actually want to do. And that's like one example. Another way that the people pleaser archetype can show up in the physical body, you know, when it comes to the signs and symptoms is a tight throat, having difficulty saying no, having difficulty asserting your boundaries, having difficulty telling someone when it's time to leave because you're done. You're just exhausted, you know? And even expressing that through behavior. Like sometimes at parties, I'll be like, Yeah, I'm just exhausted, I'm tuned out. But then if they're still talking at me, I'll just do something different that shows that I'm disengaged and not interested because I've already expressed it to them, but they haven't heard it and they're still coming at me, then I'll just go elsewhere. And they ask again, I'll go, yeah, I'm just disengaged. I'm just need a little bit of a brain break, for example, or go outside for a walk and come back in. You know, it's like that's an example of how it can show up on a mental body level. And we've got a little bit of a throat issue there if we can't even do the behavioral aspect of that, much less speaking the words of that. And so this is where the throat chakra in terms of energy body will start to present, will start to have a tight throat or throat issues, issues around communicating and asserting our boundaries and expressing what it is that we need because we're so busy people pleasing and meeting the needs of other people. And that's the other thing, is it's like sometimes we don't even know what we want or what we need because we're so busy putting our attention into pleasing others that we don't even know how to discern for ourselves when it's time to meet our own needs. And this again can play into the Mado archetype as well as the people pleaser. But we're here to talk about the people pleaser. Another somatic cue, like a sign and symptom that can show up in the body, is not only throat issues, but a collapsed chest. We are emotionally exhausted. The collapsing comes from the emotional armor of our shoulders. There's no boundary there. So again, it's that lack of boundaries, but on an emotional body level. And when the shoulders represent our emotional armor, it's like we don't have that boundary there to know when our emotional capacity is at full holding for someone else, and that we need to fill our own cup and empty it out so that we like empty out that holding space that we have with others in order to start filling our own emotional cup and taking care of ourselves emotionally. This is where the collapsed chest will come in because the armor will start to break down. We start to have that rounded shoulder, rounded posture. We have that physical exhaustion as well, can be a really big presentation, like energetically drained. I just don't have the energy. And that doesn't just play into the physical body, but also the energetic body. We are feeling energetically drained from the energetic exchanges that we are doing. It's like it's too much, we've gone too far. We aren't aware of our own social battery because we're too busy again, people pleasing, that we haven't even stopped to think for ourselves. Am I at full capacity right now to be able to take this on? Do I have the energy for this right now? And ultimately, the person or the persons on the receiving end, the people on the receiving end, are gonna receive you much more better when you are at full capacity rather than having to stretch and extend yourself out to a point where you start to become irritable because you don't have the capacity, you don't even register that you have the capacity, and you start to get irritable. So that's another thing that can show up as a sign and symptom in the body is irritability, anger. And this is, I guess, not so much a physical sign and symptom, but it is, it's like an emotional sign and symptom. This is where the emotional body starts to speak through the physical body, through signs and symptoms. There's also that hyper alertness of other people's emotions. Now, this is a big one for women, especially, but in anyone in general who's got that people please archetype will have that hypersensitivity to other people's emotions. They will be able to hold space for other people and their emotions really, really well, really beautifully. And it's a strength, but it's to the extent where it's at an expense of their own emotional well-being. As in, they're pouring emotional well-being into other people's cups from themselves, and they're not filling their own cup and emptying out that space where they've taken on everyone else's emotions. And this is what I was talking about is like emptying out what they're taking on from other people and starting to refill their own cup, emotionally speaking, as well and energetically as well. We've kind of talked about that. So these are the things to flag when it comes to signs and symptoms in the body and how it presents throat issues, collapsed chest and like rounded shoulders, that hunching position, hyper alertness of other people's emotions, the the comments that you're getting from other people of like, oh my God, you're so good at holding space for others, you're so nurturing. It's like, that's not a bad thing, by the way. Like, I get that too. And I've had to work on that. But it's like, yeah, take the compliment, but also start to think, when was the last time I did that for myself? And if you actually can't remember, that's when we start to flag those comments that we're hearing. If we hear that and we're like, cool, but I also feel really wholesome and energized when I'm doing it. And also there's no exhaustion after that energetic exchange, that social exchange, then we don't need to flag it necessarily, those comments of like, oh my God, you're so good at holding space and you're so nurturing and you're so caring. It's like, that's really good to take those on. But also, how do we feel taking those comments in? Do we feel a resistance in even being able to receive those compliments? Because if we do, there's a chance that there's a part of us that isn't comfortable receiving those compliments because we know that ultimately we are holding space for others, but not for ourselves. And then we start to feel that guilt and that shame and that fraud deep, deep, deep, deep down. And so that can be another thing is like when you start to hear compliments from others, if you are a people pleaser or a martyr in that archetype, in that way of being, and you do start to hear like, oh, you're so great at holding space for others, you're so caring, you're so loving, you're so thoughtful, you're so accommodating. It's like that's such a beautiful thing to be able to take on. But I truly believe that if we feel as though we are overcompensating, as in overgiving to others and under-receiving, when we hear those compliments, we won't be able to fully accept them. We will feel this resistance in not being able to fully be present in that moment of that compliment being given and genuinely go, thank you so much. That means a lot. Or even just feeling the acceptance of it through your body. It's gonna feel resistant if you know for yourself that you can't do that exact thing they just complimented you on for yourself. As in, yeah, you're right. I am good at holding space and I am very thoughtful. But it's like it could come with a weightedness or a shame or a suppression of emotions when we know we're not doing that for ourselves in return, you know? And so that's something else to flag when it comes to the signs, the symptoms, the presentations, some of the behaviors we might notice and some of the compliments that you might be hearing from other people that ties into the signs and symptoms of the people-pleasing archetype. Now, when it comes to that collapsed chest we were talking about as well, we can speak to the guarded heart and the open heart when it comes to the people pleaser. When we are over-guarding, we are isolating. There's a wall, and it's almost like a rigid, open chest, shoulders back posture. It's like a military position, you know, like not no there's no flexibility there. There's a real barrier there, a real harshness. And that's the opposite of the people pleaser. That's the opposite of the foreign response. And so when we think about that being the opposite of the foreign response, it makes sense, and the people pleaser, it makes sense that the opposite of straight up and down and tight and rigid is loose and uh floppy, like a lack of strength. And we lose our, literally on a physical, biological, anatomical level, we lose that, what do you call it? Spinal erectus, the spinal erector muscles. We lose that postural engagement of our muscles from a behavioral perspective, but also anatomically, we lose that engagement and we collapse because we just we're exhausted, we feel defeated, we feel energetically drained, and there's that lack of strength. And so where we think about that overguarding, that hyper military, hyper-strong, but also rigid version of someone who's super closed off and has those boundaries and you know, hyper-independent, hyper-weary, and a bit cold, that's that rigid posture. When we think about the opposite, it's collapsed and floppy. When we think about the happy medium in between, it's spinal muscles are engaged but not too engaged. They're also not too soft. There's that ideal posture. And I speak as someone who used to train and instruct Pilates and was a myotherapist. There's that ideal posture, that happy medium in between. And when we think about that on a biological level, a postural level, anatomy, and then link that to the metaphysical, this is also the representation of that happy medium in between being too closed off and having absolutely no boundaries and just allowing ourselves to become energetically drained, allowing people to use us at their beck and core whenever we're in like whenever we're needed. And so the work here when it comes to, and this is the key pivotal part of this episode that I'm going to be speaking to the people please that the work that needs to be done here when we're noticing these signs and symptoms, everything I've talked about from the tightness or issues in the throat, when it comes to that collapsed chest, the postures, when it comes to the compliments we're hearing and how we're receiving them, social exhaustion that we're feeling after energetic exchanges, we look at all of that and that fawning response as a need for being safe. If I stay agreeable and if I stay likable, then I'm safe. You know, if we look at all of that, when it comes to healing the people pleaser, what we really need to look at is the discernment, finding the discernment to be at a happy medium, to have an understanding of what our social battery is, to know when to assert our boundaries and when to communicate our boundaries so that we can have space for ourselves. That's the work. The work is the discernment. Having the discernment, having the connection to yourself. And there is no way that you can communicate what it is you need if you are not giving yourself the space to understand what your needs are. And you can sort of look at this as chicken and egg. It's like, yeah, sure, Shannon. I'm just gonna give myself space, but I'm a people pleaser. How the heck do I even get started? Being here and listening to this podcast is a start. Having the awareness is a start. I would just say that, and I say this for every scenario, not just the people pleaser or the mado archetype, any scenario, if you are not ready to work or process through that, what you see as an issue or that resistance or clear that stagnant energy in your body, if you are not ready to work through that, then of course you're not gonna make the moves and implement what is necessary to move through it. So I can give you these tips and these tools. Work through the discernment, give yourself the space, just prioritize it. I can say that. But at the end of the day, if you're not ready to do that, then you're not gonna do that. And what happens is we keep ignoring it to a point where our pain body will tell us it is time. Remembering that we are all on different timelines. We are all different people, we've all had different experiences in this lifetime, we've all had different familial upbringings, cultural upbringings, societal differences. So when it comes to the ways of the people pleaser and how we've come to be our ways of being, if we feel that there is something to unpack there and there's something to move through there, we really have to honor the timeline of that. I'm healing my own people pleaser, but in my own timeline, I've done a lot of the work already. And I feel I am quite good at communicating in a way that is not too aggressive, as well as not too much of a collapsing people pleaser. I feel I am somewhat in most days, most moments, a very well-balanced communicator when it comes to my boundaries and the ways in which I discern what it is I need and communicate that to others. But it's still a work in progress. I'm on my own timeline with that. And you will be too. And so what I'll say is if you're listening to all of this and you're not ready to work on your discernment, create the space to learn what it is that you want, learn what your needs are and which needs are not being met and how to communicate that. If you're not ready to do that work, then that's fine. You're here gaining awareness. That's still a part of the process. We are all at a certain part of our own journeys, and we're not all supposed to be at the exact same part of our journeys either. So just honor where you're at, take in what resonates for you in this episode and leave the rest. And the other thing is, is when we're a people pleaser and a perfectionist, because they kind of go hand in hand and a martyrdom, we have that knee-jerk reaction to forget all our needs and just put the other people first before us. This is why I'm specifically, it's because of that, that I am specifically saying don't put the pressure on yourself to integrate this if you're not feeling ready to do it. Just be where you're at. And that's the other reason I really wanted to drive that home is like as a people pleaser, out of all the archetypes, the Mada, the Queen Bee, the scale. Goat, there's many archetypes and different ways of being. But when we're talking about the people pleaser and the martyr, especially, sometimes we need to hear that permission to just be where we are. And so I just wanted to remind us of that, but I've digressed. Let's dive back into re-pattering through the body some somatic cues and practices that we can actually put into place so that we can really start to integrate if we feel the calling to. And so the best place to start if you feel that you yourself or someone around you is a people pleaser, the best place to start is creating the space. If you're ready to hear this and you're ready to integrate it, create the space necessary to dive into your needs, dive into what you need, learn how to discern what your yeses and your no's are. Learn what safety feels like in your body so that when you're exchanging energy with others, you can start to tap into the somatic cues. How do you feel when you're around that person? How do you feel afterwards? Are you feeling energized or energetically drained? How do you feel when you're saying yes and no around them? When you're asserting your boundaries around them? Do you feel like you cave and say things you don't mean? You know, we're gonna start to unpack that. Your boundaries start with sensation and safety and creating space for yourself. That's what I would say is hot tip number one. Start with creating space. Number two, figure out what safety is in your body, what it feels like in your body within that space that you've created. Do some somatic work, do some somatic practices. Start to tap into what safety feels like in your body so that you can discern that when you are asserting your boundaries. These are the three hot tips, the three stages I would go through is first create the space, prioritize the space. That has to happen and you have to be ready for it. If you're not ready for it, then you're just gonna keep repeating your people pleaser cycle. And again, that's okay. You are where you're at. Have reverence for yourself, be gentle on yourself. If you are a people pleaser or a mata, it's likely you're probably the hardest person on yourself. As in, you're the person who's the hardest on yourself. Give yourself the space to be where you're at. Keep coming back to number one, create the space, devote some space for yourself. It has to happen. That's what's going to cut that knee-jerk reaction of yes, I'll do anything for you before the brain's even had a chance to catch up. Number two, figure out what safety feels like in your body through somatic practices. This could be yoga, this could be mindfulness, this could be doing some of my somatic practices that I offer for free on my YouTube channel. This could be purchasing my two-day portal into stillness mini course on my website. That is a great way to give yourself the permission and to set up a really beautiful space for two days or for whatever capacity you have. It could be half a day. It could be joining a woman's circle for a couple hours one night. It could be going to the shops and booking in a massage for 90 minutes. It could be having an energy session with a Reiki practitioner. It could be having a Womhara session. It could be spending time with someone who you know energizes you and prioritizing that. That's number two. Find your sense of safety. What is it that makes you feel safe and happy and grounded? And then number three, through that sense of safety, start to use that feeling of safety. Start to use that to discern for yourself when it's time to put up a boundary and when it's time to accept and start helping and being nice and caring for others. Use that discernment of what safety feels like in your body and that sense of energetic capacity in your body from step two to then discern when it's time to put your boundaries up and when it's time to connect with others and have energetic exchange. And for me, this does change from cycle phases to cycle, like from one phase to another inner cycle. I have a greater social capacity when I'm in my follicular phase. And then when I'm in my ovulation phase, I have greater, even greater capacity. My mental resilience is there. I have more energy. My hormones are starting to climb and peak. When I'm in my luteal phase, that is probably the phase that I am the least, I have the least capacity and tend to be a little more irritated, irritated if I have overbooked my social calendar. Because again, I'm still working through People Pleaser in my own timeline as well. And then with my bleed phase, I just devote myself to having as much space for me as I can. And that part I'm, I feel like I'm pretty good at. So we're good with that one. But you're gonna figure that out for yourself, what that looks like. And that is the three hot tips that I just wanted to drive home before we finish up here is one, create the space. Start devoting yourself to weekly, monthly, even daily pieces of space for you. Absolutely for you. No one else is involved. No one else's needs are being met. It's just you and what you truly want. And then that comes with number two, within that space that you've created, start to work on body discernment. Start to familiarize yourself with somatic practices, things that are gonna get you to drop into your body, to feel a sense of safety, to ground into who you are and what it is that you want so that you can discern for yourself what your needs are. And therefore, once you know what your needs are, communicate these through boundaries, through your yeses and your no's. So those are my three hot tips. I hope you enjoyed it. And I'll see you next week, where we're gonna be exploring the four phases of womanhood, whether it be the lunar cycle or the bleed cycle. So whether you have a menstruation cycle or you don't, and you follow the phases of the moon, the four phases, we're gonna be unpacking all four phases throughout our womanhood, no matter where you are at in your womanhood. And I'm gonna see you then next week.

unknown 27:11

Bye.

SPEAKER_00 27:12

As we finish this week's episode, remember that you are your own rhythm keeper. So just keep listening for that rhythm and keep coming home to you. Until next time, with love, Shannon at Somatic Body.