Ep. 14 Postpartum Tips for Partners

Prioritizing your relationship in the early days of the postpartum period can make or break your future relationship. In this Episode, Alex and Lacey discuss many of the common pitfalls of the postpartum period and offer many tips for easy tweaks, adjustments and simple mindset shifts which can be implemented immediately. If no one gives you a play book, how can you know. Now that you have the tips, what will you do with them?

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:04

Welcome to Duel Let's Unhindered, the podcast where we tell the unfiltered truths and disrupt the accepted view of modern art and parenting.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

We're your hosts, Alex Shaw, and Lacey Morgan here to cut through the points, share the stories no one else will, and empower you with real talk that's equal parts unfunny and unapologetic. Let's get unhinged. I think that's funny. I would never. Uh-huh. Except that I think that you would. I would. It's unhinged.

SPEAKER_03 0:41

We're getting unhinged. It's today. I'm just feeling sassy. Truth telling. Is it the spring? It honestly is. I'm wearing a romper, so I'm just feeling sassy. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Alright. So what are we talking about today? Oh, we are gonna talk about uh some tips for the partner's postpartum. Um, and and I actually want to like roll it back a little bit into the delivery experience. And I think that um when we start thinking about relationship dynamics, and this all comes out of a desire to help protect the family, right? And I think that what happens in the first year postpartum really can set you on a course for a happy, successful relationship or one that starts to dissolve. Most divorces can be traced back to the first year of the first baby, which is wild. Wild. Uh but true, like when you think about the strain that a baby puts on the mom alone, right? And her transition into motherhood. This death of the maiden and birth of the matron is so profound. And and you know, like we don't have many um rituals in American culture that signify this transition to adulthood, right? And so I think that there are very few things that are uh given the the gravitas that it deserves, right? And so this transition is one of them. Dads do not experience it in the same way, and non-gestational carrying partners do not experience it in the same way, right? And so whether you are in a heterosexual relationship or a same-sex relationship, I think that partners experience some universal universality in like the person who carried the baby changes instantly. I agree, and the other partner does not, and sometimes I think that they feel a little bit left behind, right? Or or pushed aside. Yes, absolutely, right? Um but so uh it starts, I think, this shift obviously starts in pregnancy, but the way that the partner shows up in the delivery room matters so much. It signifies to the mom whether you are going to protect her or abandon her, right? Whether you are going to stand between her and a threat or stand by while she is abused, right? And so when someone says, We're going to do a vaginal exam, and your partner has made it clear that they do not want a vaginal exam, and you don't say, Hold on, she has said she doesn't want vaginal exams, let's talk about the risks and benefits and what other options there are. That says to her, I'm here to protect you.

SPEAKER_03 3:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Right? And then what happens, I think, is moms start to think that their partner is an idiot. Yes. Right? Like, and and some of this is society where we've like very casually started to make jokes about the dumb dad. Like, think about Homer Simpson, right? Like we we've kind of like created this narrative where men are stupid and and buffoons and can't do anything, and are right, are unreliable. Yeah, right, and and we fed this, and so and then we have this generation of men who are afraid to be masculine because it's toxic to be masculine, right? And and they don't know what their place is, right, in society, in their family, right? They don't know how to be nurturing and gentle and masculine together. Um, there's a great book called Iron John that I think all men should read. Okay. Uh, but anyway, so how he or she shows up in the experience in the delivery room signals to the mom you're safe with me or you're not safe with me, whether she processes that consciously or unconsciously, right? Subconsciously. Um so I think that the best advice that I can offer today is show up as a protector the day of delivery and do not be afraid to slow them down to say, what are the risks, what are the benefits, what are the alternatives? Cool, now get the fuck out and let me think about whether or not, let her think about whether or not she wants to do this.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_01 5:31

Yeah, because that shows her that she's safe with you, and then when it's time to hand her baby over to somebody, you're a safe person to do that.

SPEAKER_03 5:41

I can give my baby to you. Yeah, and trust that you're going to keep that baby safe.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Right? I agree. So, and then because she can do that, she feels like you're teaming in. Yeah. Right? And and then we we stop this cascade of experiences where I can't trust you, I can't rely on you, I have to do it all myself, and now I resent you.

SPEAKER_03 6:06

Yeah, I was just about to say it.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

Right because I'm doing it all, and you're an idiot. Yeah, yeah, right. So uh show up during the birth and showing up during the birth, asking questions, asking them to slow down, noticing whether she says yes or no, and that dad, we talked about them on the podcast before. The dad who was like, that sounds like a no to me, right? That in that moment he protected his partner. Yeah, yeah, right, and so then you can go home being someone that she can rely on, which increases the chances that her postpartum is less stressful because of the dynamics of the relationship, yeah, yeah, and because of the experience that they just had together, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then it can be really hard for partners in the delivery room too. They can be physically exhausted, they can be um emotionally exhausted, right? They can be sore.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

Yeah. Which leads us to our next one, which is gonna come off a little, a little, I don't even have a word, a little brash. Possibly. Do not, my next our next tip, do not whine to mom about how tired, how sore, how crazy it was in the birthing room, right? Talk to mom about your experience together, but don't go whining. Yeah, no. Some whining.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

No whining.

SPEAKER_03 7:41

Because she just did all of that, and you both experienced that together, but what you experienced was nothing compared to what she experienced.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Right. And you know, I would say I hate how social media does not give space for the partners to have their own experience. Like Kylie Kelsey complained about Jason sleeping in the delivery room, like falling asleep right away. And it's like, of course he did, because they're running on adrenaline, right? And they are terrified. No matter how many times you go through it, it is still the scariest thing that you've ever been a part of. It's the most beautiful, amazing thing. But our culture has, you know, really taught people that birth is scary, and so they're in fight or flight the whole time. And as soon as the threat is over, they crash. Right? And so it's not to this tip is not to minimize the partner's experience because it is hard. It is hard. And that one dad who did the hip squeeze forever, we had a client who did not want us to stop squeezing her hips, even between contractions. It was so much exhausting.

SPEAKER_03 8:55

Tag teamed in and out, mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Right, and he had every right to complain about how sore he was, but he did not complain. Right, and and so our advice is not to suppress the experience, talk to someone else about it. Someone else.

SPEAKER_03 9:11

Like if you're hiring a doula, you can come to us and whine all you want. Right. About how sore your pecs are from doing a hip squeeze.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Right, and we'll talk about stretches that you can do and magnesium and you know, resources that you can reach out to, go get a chiropractic adjustment, get them a massage, yeah, right? Like really take care of yourself in that. But mom is bleeding, she is recovering from stitches, most likely. She might be recovering from an abdominal surgery. Her hemorrhoids are probably like on fire, right? She's leaking milk, right? Like you leak from every orifice of your body. You're not sleeping, you're sweating at night. So, like the the challenge of birth doesn't end just because you had the baby, then you have all these physical things, and then your partner's like, oh, my shoulders sore, my gestus sore, right? Like I'm so tired. Like, yes. And mom is like, What? Like, no, you don't like, are you feeling the baby hurting your body and not sleeping? Like, so we want partners to know that it is okay to feel talk about your experience and feel those feelings, but share them with someone other than mom. Like, your role of support person does not end just because the baby is born, it actually amplifies in the postpartum. Now you're responsible for making sure that she's emotionally well and mentally well and that she is cared for because her job for six weeks is to do almost nothing other than take care of the baby. Rest. Rest in bed, letting your organs go back to where they belong. Like anybody who has seen those graphics of how the organs shove up out of place and then have to go back to where they belong more or less, that takes time. And if you're doing laundry and you're making dinner and you're washing the dishes, like you know, we did a great job of normalizing the leaking that happens, right? Urine leaking after babies because there shouldn't be shame about that, but that's not normal, it's not good, it's not healthy. You need public floor PT, and for so many people that comes out of not taking the time to recover. Absolutely, absolutely, right? And so, um, for partners, your your job really continues after the baby's born. Um mom needs to stay in bed, which means and and not for six weeks. That's not really realistic. I know that you know there are places in the world where they put mom in bed for 40 days, yep, they bathe her in bed, they take care of the baby when she's sleeping, bring her the baby to nurse, they nurture her for 40 days. American women are not accustomed to being still. Uh, you um you couldn't even get somebody to sit down for 40 hours really in bed, right? Um but limiting the stairs to one one time a day. You go down one time and you go up one time and that's it. So you stay in bed in the morning as long as you can. You come downstairs, sit on your couch as long as you can, you go back upstairs and go to bed, right? And that means that the partner or your village, your mom, your aunt, your uncle, your dad, your brother, your neighbor, whoever you're going to include in your story, comes over and takes care of you. And they should be bringing her water, lots of water, especially if she's breastfeeding. Like gallons of water.

SPEAKER_03 13:10

It's like the Sahara. As soon as that baby latches, you're like, Where's the water?

SPEAKER_01 13:16

It's crazy how dry your mouth gets so dry. As soon as they latch on. Yep, you're like, where is it? Mm-hmm. And hungry, right? Moms tend to be very, very hungry when they are breastfeeding babies. I wanted to stab my kid's dad with a knife when we would sit down. Because what happens? Every time this is the worst, right?

SPEAKER_03 13:42

It really is.

SPEAKER_01 13:43

Every time a meal is put in front of you, the baby decides they want to eat every single time. And I remember like, and we had such a hard breastfeeding relationship in the beginning, so I'd like finally get her latched, and then I wouldn't want to move. Yep, right? And he would sit down and start eating, and I am ravenous. You son of a bitch, right? Literally. I'm like, what is happening here? And I don't know why my throat chakra must have been blocked because I didn't say the things like, dude, can you cut my food for me?

SPEAKER_03 14:17

And feed me, right? Like, because I'm feeding our baby right now. I need help.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

If you just cut the food for me, I'll feed myself, right? Like, I but I only have one hand to do that with, and I can't cut a steak with one hand. And I'm the kind of person who likes to eat my food. Like, I want it to burn the skin off the roof of my mouth hot, like, right? And so I'm sitting there. I don't have time to let it cool. I don't want it to get cold. Well, I'm feeding the baby, and you're eating like cut my food for me. Yep. Mm-hmm. Cut the food. Um, yeah, I think that that's so important.

SPEAKER_03 14:57

My uh my one of my brothers has children that are younger than mine, and uh I try to do my best to hold babies, you know, when it's Thanksgiving or Christmas and we're all eating together, right? Because I know how hard it is to be that person, especially at a family like gathering like that. I remember when I when it was me breastfeeding doing the same thing, being like, This sucks. I'm feeding this kid while eating in front of all my brothers. Here we go. It sucks. So don't be that person. Speak up.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_03 15:31

Speak up.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

And as a partner, recognize anticipate. Yes, anticipate her needs. Yeah. She's going to be thirsty, she's going to be hungry, she's going to need her phone charger. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 15:46

It's a hard thing to do. I think, especially for men, to anticipate. Women, I think, do a lot. Uh they do a more effective, efficient job, right? I always explain it like women are like spider webs, where we can literally think about every A to Z. We can think about it. Men are much more linear in their thought process. So it is a lot harder. They think from A to B, from B to C, right? In the line like that.

SPEAKER_01 16:14

They're gonna get to Z, but they're not worried about all the steps in between.

SPEAKER_03 16:18

No. And so I think, you know, as a woman, having grace for that biological difference is important in that postpartum period because they're not going to think so quickly. And it might take that speaking up.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

Hey, you want to be an all-star partner? I mean, start tracking her habits before she has the baby. I agree, right? Like, oh, I noticed that when she sits down, she gets her, she has her cup of water already. She, you know, plugs in her phone, like whatever.

SPEAKER_03 16:53

Write it down. Yes. If that if you're not sure, make a note on your phone. Yeah, if that's something that'll help you to anticipate her needs, especially in that postpartum, like then do it. Do whatever, write it down, put stickies around the house, tell your friends, tell your parents. Yeah, right, because the more that you talk about it, the more that it becomes a habit, like, oh, my partner gets whatever, but yeah, does these things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Right. Uh, and I think too that, you know, open up that throw chakra, right? Like, as the person who's birthing the baby, I think that it's unfair for us to be mad that our partner isn't reading our minds. Uh-huh. Right. And so we need to be willing to communicate that, but also partners then have to be willing to receive that. Yeah. Right. It can be hard. It can be very hard. And so the next tip that I have for partners is don't let her truth hurt your feelings. And if her truth is aggressive, see that as a yellow or red flag. That means that something for her is not working. Right. And her frustration is a sign that there's an underlying problem that needs to be addressed.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

And that it's an opportunity for growth in your relationship and in the future.

SPEAKER_03 18:18

Yeah, it's not a threat, right? It's not an attack. It's not an attack, it's an opportunity to learn and grow and change and evolve.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Yep. And so having that time to say, I tell all of our clients, set an alarm on your phone that is just dedicated time where you guys are going to sit down, make eye contact, and do a check-in. Right. And I've said it before on the podcast because I think it is so important that when we do not take that time to prioritize one another, we miss the important things. And then we build that frustration and resentment turns into I don't like you. And then we get divorced 12 years down the line.

SPEAKER_03 18:59

After you've had three kids.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Right. Right?

SPEAKER_03 19:02

Yeah, absolutely. And you've said it before too, because if you don't come back and look your partner in the eye every day and ask how each other is doing, two years from now, you're probably gonna have another kid or three years.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yeah, because biology does amazing things to get us to procreate.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

Yes, it does. Love it. Yeah. However, then you get further and further and further apart.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

Yep, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 19:24

And it is really hard to come back when you're so, so far. It's a lot easier in that first kid postpartum when you do the things to stay connected and continue to have more kids.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

I remember my partner, I I guess I did a not a lot of not listening to him as I reflect back on our marriage as it was. Uh, you know, and he felt like he was not seen in the postpartum period that he wanted my love and affection and attention, and I had none to give. Yeah. Because I was so consumed with this baby. Yes. Right? And and he was a fairly attentive partner, really. Like when I look back, he really did try to nurture and take care of me, but I didn't have any space for being the wife that I was before because I was transitioning into a mother. And I think that's the challenge for a lot of partners, is they didn't go through this transformation into fatherhood or into parenthood. Um it's not, it's not as instantaneous, and so he was grappling with losing the woman that he knew. Yes, right? He was grieving the loss of our relationship, yeah, and I was processing this transformation of myself, yeah, right? And I was, I said to him, and it hurt his feelings, but it was my truth. I thought I loved you, and I do love you, but I love this baby, right? Like I didn't know what love is. Like I was never so in love with him that my heart felt like it was going to explode. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:15

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

You know that feeling?

SPEAKER_03 21:17

You're not alone. I think every woman who has a child has like feels that. And it's not always instantaneous. It's not. And we just chatted with a couple who and we said, you know, how can you love something so much? Like how, and I remember with my second, I remember thinking the same thing. She was born, and I was like, hmm, what's up with you? And I loved her, but it did. It took me a minute. I was like, I love this child. How is my heart going to be? And it truly like your heart is just mmm, it's amazing. Endless comparison. I love everything.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Right?

SPEAKER_03 21:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

But but the feeling of love, like love took on a new definition for me. Absolutely. Right? And and I think that that is. It's not to say that I did not love their dad. Yeah. Right? Or that I loved him any less as I became a mother. I loved him different the same and different. Well, I I loved him the same. The way that I loved him stayed the same. But my definition of love changed, right? My capacity for love reached a new level. Yes. That was almost physically painful. Yes. Right? And that's biology.

SPEAKER_03 22:33

Yes, because you don't chuck your kid through a window. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 22:36

When we act like an asshole. Yeah. Right? Like, yeah. Truly. Truly. So I think that for partners, recognizing that it is important to check in. So anticipate her needs. But then also make a uh make it a priority to ask, how are you doing? And what do you need different from me? Yeah. How do I serve you better in this time period? Yeah. And moms should do the same thing, right? My partner needed something different from me in that time. And maybe 10 minutes of sitting down and looking each other in the eyeball and doing a check-in would have been enough. Right? I don't think he was asking for me to move mountains for him. I think he was asking for a little bit of attention. More connection that he felt like he was losing. And in the moment, I didn't feel like I had capacity for that. But in hindsight, did I have 10 minutes a day? Probably. A hundred percent. Yeah. Right? Like the baby could have stayed in the crib. Yeah. It would have been the only time of day she ever spent in the crib. Right. But she could have been in the crib and she could have cried for 10 minutes while my partner and I reconnected. Because if you don't change, if you don't prioritize your relationship, your children grow up and they leave, and you are left living with a stranger if you make it to that point. Yeah. I agree. Right?

SPEAKER_00 24:09

I agree.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

Um, so partners check in about the needs that your partner that the mom has, and moms be willing to do the same for your partner.

SPEAKER_03 24:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:20

And also I think like recognizing that this shift of roles and responsibility is a very short time. So short. Right? Six weeks maybe. Yeah. Right? And and I think too that people don't realize what the moms carry. I had a girlfriend who had a um vascular arterial dissection. It was a very serious situation that left her laid up for months. And her partner had said, you know, I really thought that I knew what she did in our family until she was doing nothing. And he was like, I thought it was 50-50 and it was nowhere near 50-50. And so before a baby comes, I think it's really important to create a list of every single thing that you do. Like just carry a notepad or use the notes on your ad on your phone and write down every single thing you do every day. Even if that is creating a mental note that the kids have uh, you know, an event for school the mental load. Right? Write it all down and then compare notes and and talk about like what can you realistically handle in the postpartum period as my partner? Yeah. And what do we need to outsource? Yeah. Right? Because again, short time. Is it ideal to pay for uh laundry service for the rest of your life? Probably not, right? For a lot of families, not financially feasible. Can that go on your baby registry instead of the teethers? Yeah. Probably. Yeah, a house cleaner, maybe. Right. Mm-hmm. Right? So, or you talk to your friends and your family and you say, you know, I'm really worried about, you know, how is this going to get done? How is this going to get done? Goes back to that yes list that we talked about. Yes, please help us with XYZ. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Um, all right.

SPEAKER_03 26:20

Uh next tip. Yeah. Get involved, right? Partners get involved and don't be afraid to take the lead.

SPEAKER_00 26:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:30

How do you think partners do that? How do they not take the lead or how do they take the lead?

SPEAKER_01 26:38

How how would they do that in your mind?

SPEAKER_03 26:41

Yeah, um, I mean, going back to exactly what we were talking about, anticipating.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:45

Right? So it's like you, especially for first-time parents, you're both learning about your baby, right? You're learning your baby's hunger cues, you're learning your baby's sleep cues, right? And so as you learn, you will start to anticipate, like, oh, baby's up, baby's looking around, like, oh, as soon as we get to this point, it's gonna be all hell's gonna break out. So we need to change that baby and feed that baby immediately. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:13

Well, and I even tell partners, like, set an alarm for two-hour blocks, right? Because the hospital will tell you, feed your baby every two to three hours. No, no. You feed your baby every two hours until they're back to their birth weight. Then you feed your baby every two hours during the daylight until you're ready to go to bed. Then you feed your baby every three hours, right? This this is how we get through the early, early weeks. I tell partners, set an alarm on your phone for 15 minutes before that two-hour window. Yeah. And that way you can help, right? You can change the baby's diaper, get her water, grab her snacks, refill the changing station, right? Like whatever it is that needs to be done, you've got an alarm that's 15 minutes before she needs you. Correct. Because if you're doing it live time when the baby's up in crossing. So you're too slow. Too late. Yep.

SPEAKER_03 28:06

And you are slow.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

Yeah.

unknown 28:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

Yeah. And, you know, and I think too, like that taking the lead could be um initiating that, you know, guests are only staying for a short period of time, right? Like initiating the dialogue of, you know, what I've heard from my partner is that guests are staying too long or she's uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of other people or whatever. And so he says, Hey, it was so nice for you to visit. Uh, baby's gonna need to eat soon, so you know, I'm gonna have her go up and get ready and settled and whatever. See you later. Thanks for coming by. Right? Like that could be taking the lead.

SPEAKER_03 28:46

Yeah, or hey, we're having, you know, Italian for dinner tonight.

unknown 28:51

Right.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Not, oh God, not the question. Not the what do you want for dinner?

SPEAKER_03 28:54

What do you want like because then that puts the mental load and the decision making back on mom.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 29:00

And she some moms don't want that.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

Right.

SPEAKER_03 29:04

Right? So it's like, take the lead. This is what we're having. Or, you know, I made the reserv. I'm not like anyone's going out to eat, but I made the reservation. I booked the hotel, right? Like, take the lead. Don't don't be afraid to take the lead.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

Do it.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

Uh, and uh, you know, I think that that actually is really interesting because we, you know, we listed balancing self-care as one of our tips, right? So both parents need to take time for self-care. Absolutely. I tell moms, like he likes golfing, send him for a day of golfing. Yeah, right. And you invite your friends to come over that day so you're not alone. Yeah, right. And but so for partners, she likes getting her hair done. Call and find out from the salon when can she come in and get her hair done? Or say to her, next Saturday, you're going to do something for yourself. Yeah, I'm going to keep the baby. That's taking the lead. Yes. Oh, I love it so much. Yep. And it's telling her that this is non-negotiable, right? In our relationship, you being healthy, well, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally is important to me as your partner. Yeah. And I am going to make it so that you have to do that. And some moms will be like, but I don't want to. Yes. You need to. Yeah. You need to, because if you do not pour into your own cup, you will not be as good a mother as you could be. A hundred percent. And for some people, I was very much like, I don't want to be away from my baby, not for one minute, for the entire maternity leave that I have afforded to me. He could have sent me to go do something with my baby that would have been nourishing for me if I came home and all of the laundry was done.

SPEAKER_03 30:54

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:55

Or if the house had been clean. Right. And and how do we know what helps her mental headspace? When my house gets messy, oh yeah. I get into a freeze spiral. Right? Like I can't, I can't get myself going. I I have to maintain the house in order to be mentally well. Right. And my partner should know that about me and prioritize that for me. And that's a partnership. Yes. That is what a partnership is. Right. And so for you know, finding out like what fills her cup before you have a baby. Is it taking a long shower? Is it taking a bath? Is it yeah, going for a walk, sitting outside, reading a book? Right. And any of those things can be done with the baby, right? And be nourishing for her. Can you imagine a partner drawing a bath and throwing some Epsom salt in for you? Which really, you know, we know we know you shouldn't do that until you get clearance from your doctor, but also your uterus does not fill with liquid when you take a bath. Uh so do with that information as you please. That is not medical advice. Right? But like even a foot bath or a sits bath. Yes. Or a foot masat, like, you know. Right? So take the lead in making sure that she is nourished, but then also balance that and make sure that you're taking care of yourself.

SPEAKER_03 32:21

Yes. We had that uh client, they're a postpartum family. I sauna with the dad. That's how we met them. Um, and he was like, I saw him in the sauna. He's like, Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I love the sauna. How am I gonna get here? And I was like, You still come, you still need to take care of you. If you love doing this, like she will be okay. So you're not coming for three hours. Maybe you're coming for one and you're hitting up the grocery store on the way home and bringing her back something. Something special, a nice treat. Yeah, because it is still like very, very important that the partner is still taking care of themselves because they come in. Just like moms come in when they're pouring into their own cup and they're a better mother, partner, all the things, when uh the father or whoever is the unbirthing, the not birthing parent pours into their own cup, they come into it as a better partner, a better father, a better whatever.

SPEAKER_01 33:15

Yep. And when they don't prioritize self-care, it shows up as moodiness.

SPEAKER_03 33:20

It does, it really does.

SPEAKER_01 33:22

Right. And so recognizing that the hormones of postpartum are affecting you, whether you are male or female, right? And that while one in five moms, birthing parents, will experience perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, one in ten partners will as well, right? And so being aware of your own mental and emotional state, and if you're snappy or moody or grumpy or avoidant, right? Like we've had postpartum families where the doulas report back that the partner goes into the garage and doesn't come out for hours and hours and hours. Like that isolation is a sign of trouble, right? Like that's a yellow or red flag, and so be willing to recognize your own red flags in the postpartum period. And if they're creeping up, if you're moody or grumpy or snappy, it's not just sleep deprivation, right? It could be that you're not prioritizing self-care. Yeah. Right? Yeah, and moms don't generally want to be left alone for eight hours so you can go golf all day Sunday, right? So arranging for someone else to be with her and nurture her, and not every Sunday, yeah, right? Like if your habit was to go every Sunday, maybe now you're going once a month. Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_03 34:51

Like And it's only for a short time. I think we get into such a a headspace of like, oh, I'm never gonna do this again. And that's not true. You will, it's a short time. Yeah. That you're that you have to adjust and adapt, you know, your schedule.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

And I think sometimes moms feel bad uh taking a step back in the postpartum period, not being an equal partner, right? Uh, and I'm always like, dude, like it's not this is not forever. Like he's not going to suffer forever. He is going to pick up the slack for as long as it takes you to stop bleeding. Yeah, yeah. Right? For as long as it takes your uterus incision to heal.

SPEAKER_03 35:35

Also, do you feel bad for yourself for doing everything that you're doing? Like, there's no reason to feel bad that he has to the partner has to do it.

SPEAKER_01 35:42

Right.

SPEAKER_03 35:42

You know?

SPEAKER_01 35:43

Right. Yeah. And and I think having a partner who says, I couldn't carry the burden of nine months of pregnancy. I couldn't carry the burden of nine minutes, ninety minutes, or nine hours or nine days of labor. Right. But I can carry the burden of six to nine weeks of postpartum. Yeah.

unknown 36:05

Right.

SPEAKER_01 36:05

For our family. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and and I think that that could be very empowering for partners who often feel badly. Like I think that that is one of the gifts of this generation of partners, is that for the most part, there's like an awareness of the investment that the the birthing mom or or the birthing person or you know, whoever it is, like that that they are carrying, right? They like there's a recognition of the investment and the impact, right? But then what do we do with that? So, like, okay, we see it now. What do we do with it now that we recognize it? We find places that we can then shift the load and carry it. And the postpartum period is one of those places. Yeah. Um you know, and I I hear a lot, right? We talk to a lot of postpartum families in the work that we do, and uh a lot of times they'll tell us that, like, oh, we both wake up every every two hours. You're shaking your head.

SPEAKER_03 37:10

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

Yeah. I think our last tip was prioritize sleep. Sleep.

SPEAKER_03 37:17

Sleep. You need it. Even in the labor, I mean, with your, you know, the Kelsey comment, let him like let them sleep. We tell our clients all the time, especially in early labor, right? And you're like, oh, for the first time, mom, that's all excited. I'm in labor, I'm in labor, the sun goes down. We're like, go to bed, both of you. Yes, right? So even in that labor piece and bringing it to postpartum, get sleep.

SPEAKER_01 37:43

At at home births, it's a really interesting phenomenon because mom will have the baby and then the partner will like immediately fall asleep on the bed. Yeah, yeah. Like they lay down and almost immediately crash out, right? And and I think that it it is so important to give them the space and the permission because what happens when a mom has a baby, her hormones dump into her system to activate her to alertness. You could have been so dead tired, and now you're awake, and now you're wide awake, because you have to care for a baby, right? Your body's like, okay, now you're on duty. Yep. Right? And and partners don't have that, and so they crash and and they should sleep so that they can carry the burden of the rest of your life, yeah, right, for the next six weeks. And so my advice for parents who have exclusively breastfeeding relationships, I think that the partner should primarily sleep at night. Yeah. And then prioritize doing everything else during the day. Yes. So that mom can take a nap. When they are uh doing bottle and breastfeeding or exclusively bottle feeding, I think that it is a good idea for families to tag team the responsibilities so that one parent does late night shift and one does very early morning shift. I agree. Um that way they're getting chunks. Yes, because four or five hours of sleep makes you feel like a human in the postpartum period. Yeah. For families where like dad wakes up and changes baby's diaper and gets them awake and alert, and then mom breastfeeds, and then dad's responsible for diaper changing and swaddling and soothing again. That's a lot. Then you both are exhausted, and one of you should be coherent.

SPEAKER_00 39:34

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:35

One of you should be coherent. So you could hire a postpartum duo, which really, really helps with absolutely right? Um, or you can come up with a like figure out what your circadian rhythms look like and who is better suited for an early night feed or a late night feed.

SPEAKER_03 39:53

I mean, if we were to have a baby, Lacey and I, I would absolutely be going to bed early because you are the night owl. Yeah, right? And you would be doing all that nighttime activities and I'd be getting up early so that you could sleep.

SPEAKER_01 40:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:09

Because that's how our bodies work naturally.

SPEAKER_01 40:11

Absolutely. We're using our strengths. And you waking up at four normally, okay, so then you wake up at three. Yeah. Right? Like that's not a huge shift for you. And for me, like I'm good till two or three in the morning, right? Like I can I can usually hang. It's yeah, it's when I'm getting to that like 5 a.m. that I start texting you things that are crazy. Like, when are you going? Let me go back to bed. Yeah, I need my help. I need some sleep. Yeah. That's where I start to fade and you know, and really internally panic about going back to sleep. Right. And so, yeah, like if you and not every partnership has that dynamic. Right. But I think it's early birds. I think it's more often than not that one person is a night owl.

SPEAKER_03 41:00

Or or needs less sleep. Yes, I agree. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:03

Right? And so have these conversations prenatally about what does a lack of sleep do to you? How does it affect you? And then come up with a plan. Although, you know, my mom always said God uh man plans and God laughs. I know. Right. But I think having the dialogue before you have a baby can be really beneficial. I agree. Yeah. Anything else on the topic that you think that we should cover for tips for partners in the postpartum period?

SPEAKER_03 41:34

I think we hit them all. Yeah. I feel good about this list. I hope it helps a lot of people, a lot of partners. So please share it with someone you love. Leave us a review, leave us tips that you guys, you know, use and we didn't mention. Yeah. We'd love to hear it.

SPEAKER_01 41:50

Fill us up on Instagram and really tell us what did you do in your postpartum that worked or that didn't. Maybe things didn't work. And what advice would you give your best friend going into their postpartum period? We want to hear from you. Yeah. Um, because it's a journey, right? And maybe what we said doesn't resonate with our listeners, right? But maybe your tip will. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. All right. Well, until next time. Yeah. See ya. Thanks for getting unhinged with us today. We hope this conversation challenged you, validated you, or made you laugh out loud. Birth and parenting aren't meant to be perfect or polished, and neither are we.

SPEAKER_03 42:35

If you love this episode, share it with someone who needs real and raw truths. Leave us a review and make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss what we're unraveling next. We're Alex Schoff and Lacey Morgan reminding you that your voice matters and your experience is valid, and you're allowed to do this your own way.

SPEAKER_01 42:50

Until next time, stay unhinged.