Ep 19: What "They" Don't Tell You About Doula Work

In this week's episode Alex and Lacey pull back the curtain on how doula work impacts the individuals in the work. They offer insight and wisdom to new doulas entering the field. They openly discuss the implications to health, family, commitments and overall lifestyle while also sharing how much they truly love this work. It is both the hardest and most beautiful job. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Welcome to Lesson and the podcast overview how the unfiltered part of the fact that you look modern parts compared to your host, Alex John, and Lady Morgan here to cut through the mind, share the stories no one else will and empower you with real talk that's equal parts honest, funny, and unapologetic. Let's get unhinged. Welcome back to another episode of Doolis Unhinged. We're so excited to have you here. Uh this week we decided that we are going to talk about the things that they don't tell you about birth work. I don't know who that is. I don't know who they're telling it to, but but we're going to talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Yeah, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. The things they don't tell you about birth work.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

So let me frame it as a question. Um, what do you what would you tell a new doula coming into this work?

SPEAKER_00 1:02

I have my raw and unhinged answer. It'd be good luck, sister. Um, no, it would be um it would be many things. Um and making sure your sleep is still a top priority is one of them because that is one that is a top priority even in this work for me, because I function so much better with sleep. There are some people that can, I was just talking to my one of my brothers about this. He's like, I'm a five-hour night kind of guy. And I was like, I'm a 10-hour night kind of girl. Like I love my sleep. And when I don't get sleep, I in reality and I put on a good face for the world, but like I'm utter death inside.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

So sleep, like, like please maintain your sleep like as much as you can doing this work.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Yeah. So, so I guess the message would be doula work has a serious impact on your sleep.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Right. Like that, I think is it it's significant. We were called in the middle of the night. Um, and even when we're not going to births, I feel like, and maybe my experience is a little bit different as the owner of the company as well. But I I feel like there are times where I'm just having interrupted sleep constantly from people texting their random thoughts as if we can turn off our text notifications.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

And I mean, you're better about that than I am, especially right now. Someone's not, if there's no chitter chatter, it will go off. But you cannot because you are the owner.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

Right. Yeah. And and I have to be accessible to everybody. Um, not that they couldn't call my phone because I never turn off my ringer. Um, but that's a big one, you know, like 5 a.m. check-ins from clients where they're like, hey, you know, no real updates. I had a few contractions last night. Yeah. Right. And and maybe they don't go into labor that night, but man, it sucks when you got woken up at like four or five in the morning, and then you're going to a berth that night having not slept.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

I know. For me, it's also it's late at night. You you are up. And we've been getting better about telling clients like our natural rhythms, you are up later naturally than me. Doesn't mean you're up late, you know, compared like you know.

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Yeah, not 2 a.m.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Yes, not 2 a.m. appropriately for many people in the world. I'm an early bird, and that's appropriate for me, right? And so we've been getting better about like sharing our natural rhythms. Like so if it if it's a 4 a.m. text, you can text me, you know, like don't blow up Lacey's phone. Um, I don't know where it's going with that. Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Of the impact of sleep.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

Uh so okay, so yeah, sleep is a huge uh impact that doula doula work has on the professional. Uh I would say that another place that it really has impacted me is in my family. Um, you know, like I can't tell you how many times I've had to be like, shh, you need to stop talking because I have to respond to this client, right? Or I'm on the phone with this client. I know. Um, I do it too. Yeah. And you know, I said previously that I think it had a major impact on my marriage. Um, because I was, well, multifold, right? Like I was emotionally available for all the people, and so not as emotionally available at home. Right. And and I think that my partner craved that role of importance. Yes, connection.

unknown 4:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

Um, but also like even just like when we would be in the middle of a conversation and I would tap my phone to see who texted because I needed to know if a client was in labor. Yeah. And, you know, he took offense to that. So as as I started uh the dating process, it was very interesting to um, you know, to kind of like filter out the men based on their comfort and their like how they felt about an on-paul lifestyle. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And uh, you know, it's been funny with Andrew. Um, you know, there there are definitely times that one would hope that a telephone would not interrupt, right? Yes, yes, very um inopportune times, right? And and in fairness, there there are times where I'm like, it can wait, it can wait, it can, it can. But if it's multiple text messages in a row, I'm pretty sure that it's something that I need to at least peek at.

SPEAKER_00 5:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

And so, you know, I will say I've been in a situation where I've had to contort myself to check my phone uh in order to make sure that a client wasn't in labor. And that is something that people probably don't want to imagine they're doula doing, but also we're human, you know, like we're we're real people. And and your your text or phone call, like we will stop everything, including the best orgasm of your life, yeah, to make sure that you are okay and supported, yeah, right? Uh-huh. 100%. Uh things people don't don't have any idea of. Um, one of the duels on our team um had a situation where her partner was unavailable at the time and she was at somebody's, you know, like one of those monumental birthdays, right? Like the the big whatever oh uh it was. And she had to step out while they were singing happy birthday, right? And and that was something that made her really, really sad. But she wasn't gonna leave her client without the you know, someone to answer the phone in that moment. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah. It's beautiful, right? Like I think we're we're talking about some of the the really hard, challenging things. Um that is not to to discount the beauty of this work.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

Absolutely not, because there is nothing more that warms my heart more than than supporting women in this part of their life, you know.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

Yeah.

unknown 7:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

I tell everybody I have the best job ever.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Yeah, me too.

SPEAKER_01 7:23

Like, is there anything better than being with somebody when a human comes into the world?

SPEAKER_00 7:28

And the the like just that the the how they feel when baby comes up to them, right? And like that look, their eyes like roll back, they start crying, they're smiling, right? And they're like just in awe of what they just did that moment.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

It's like pure bliss. It is, it's pure bliss. And dads, I always love looking at partners, their faces, and and whether they're crying or you know, whatever, and just the love and the the connection and the intimacy, like it is such an intimate moment with that family, bringing new life into it. And I love being a part of that.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

Yeah, yeah, it's it's absolutely wonderful. But it's hard. It is hard, it's hard, it's hard. Um, I would say the you know, another area that is just an impact, right? And I I try to counsel new doulas is to have systems. Yes, um, which can occasionally feel like uh you're part of the system, right? Like as the client on the receiving end of that, um, it might feel a little bit contrived, right? But I think as as a doula, if you have systems in place, you make sure that you convey the information that needs to be conveyed. You keep track of because you've got people who are five weeks pregnant, yeah, maybe probably more like 25 weeks pregnant, right? All the way to 42 weeks pregnant and keeping track of everybody's things. Yes, right.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

They're upcoming, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

Right, like yeah, what appointments are coming up, like is their GBS coming up? Do we need to counsel them on information about that?

SPEAKER_00 9:12

Is their glucose test coming up? Right. If you want information, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Um, but also like is their baby shower coming up, yes, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Yeah, or an anniversary or you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

So, you know, keeping track of all of that, I think, is uh one of the pieces of advice that I give to new doors is like, you know, slow down and create systems so that you can make this work more sustainable. Did you know that the average um professional lifespan of a doula is about five years? Yes. Yes, I know.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

I do know this. Why? How do I know this? No, like why do you think it's short? Yeah. Um, because people who get into this work, you want to help people, you want to educate, like you want you want to give everything to to help someone, right? And and when you give it all, you're you're not going to be able to sustain that for very long.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Yeah. It's that like um artwork. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Heart work, I like that. Yeah. Um and if systems aren't in place, then you will burn out very quickly.

SPEAKER_01 10:21

I think it for a lot of people, I think it comes down to a lack of boundaries.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Yeah, I was just about to say boundaries. Yeah. Putting a plug in.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

Yeah, it's I I because when you when you love the work that you do and you're passionate about it. And I think for a lot of us who get into this work, it is about changing the dynamics of birth in the area. Yes, right. Like we see these uh bad things happening, we see bad outcomes, we see uh emotionally bad outcomes of use, right? And we want to help change that. And it feels so uh tell me if this is true for you. For me, it feels so pressing, like there's a short amount of time in which to do it, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Yes and no, because I know the reality is it's going to take a long, long time and a lot of people to change that narrative.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

So yes and no, I feel that.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

I do feel that. Yeah. So, you know, for me, it was like I I dove into this work just head first because uh I wanted to help as many people as I could in the time that I that I had afforded to me, right? And and I'm in my 40s now. Like I I think realistically, how long is this sustainable for me? Like, am I gonna I'm gonna live to be 120? Okay. So uh, you know, like I've I've got a lot of years ahead of me, but physically I don't know how many years I have as a doula, 20, maybe 25, if I'm lucky. Um, I don't see myself doing this at 70. Absolutely not. Right, and and really at 60, I I don't know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 12:13

No, but I do see myself in the role of an educator and helping people, you know, informed consent, like all like in an educator role, but not in the I'm sleeping with my phone next to my, you know, right, next to my head and getting woken up at, you know.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

But that's different. That role of childbirth educator is you can tell them till you're blue in the face prenatally. Right. But what are you remembering from your birth class? I I mean, I think that comes back to how much time are you investing in the information prenatally.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

I agree. I agree. And even even for some people, like you invest so much time and it goes out the way, you know, yeah, you can still go out the window.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Yeah. It's hard, it's hard to remember. Well, ideally, you're shutting off your prefrontal cortex in early labor, right? So you're not activating that recall of information, right? And in a perfect world, you would just go into a primal state, have your baby, and not need anybody or any of the information. Yes, correct. Right? Because um, before there were midwives and obstetrics and wise women in the village, people were still just having babies. Yeah, right. Nobody tells the cat what to do to prepare to birth her kittens. No, she just does it. Yeah, right. So we could. Um okay. So uh doulas, depending on their uh contract and their philosophy, sometimes they go on call at 36 or 37 weeks. Um, we don't do that. We go on call immediately. All the time, yeah. And so right. And realistically, if you have a full client load, it doesn't matter if you're on call at 36 weeks or or three weeks, like you're you're on call all the time for everybody all the time.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

All the time.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

Um, how do you feel like that impacts your life as a dual?

SPEAKER_00 14:09

I mean, you mentioned it um in the beginning, like I catch myself shushing my kids. A lot. We shush our kids a lot. Sorry, kids. I know, I'm like, and it hurt it hurts my heart, even thinking about it, because I do it. We're not perfect, we're all only human. Like, so I'm I let it roll off, but it does, it impacts my kids.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

Um, and my relationship with them. Even this morning, uh, my kids are off from school, and they're like, No, you're always working and doing that. And I was just like, Oh man, guys. I was like, Okay, well, cool, go have fun with your nana.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

I have this picture of one of my kids, and I can't remember which of the children it is, but she's standing, it was probably my youngest. She's standing at the window as I'm walking out the door, and I turned around, and she is just face up against the window, tears just streaming, because here I am going to another birth again. Yes, you know, and and I I took that picture um because I wanted to share publicly the impact. Yeah, the impact that people are unaware of. Yes. Right? Like, yes, and and I don't say that to like make friends feel bad. No, right? Because I love what I do, I love what I do. And side note here, two of my three children in the car this weekend said that they would consider becoming doulas, which has previously when I offered to leave them my company someday, they were like, hell to the no, mom. Nope, no, thank you. We see how hard you work, absolutely hard pass. Um, to to have my oldest, she was the first, you know, we were we had a client in labor and I was on my way, so I was dropping them off at their dad's. Um, and I'm on the phone with my client, coaching her through the contractions, you know, and reminding her of her strength and her power and and the beauty of what she was doing, right? And and my daughter, I I mute in between because I'm like revving my engine speeding along to get to the and my oldest, she looks at me and she goes, I think I'd be a good doula. Yeah. Right. And I was like, I think you would too. She's very empathetic and very nurturing and very sweet. And and she's been around birth her entire life, right? So she's heard the language, she knows, you know, she knows the self. And and I thought, oh, okay, I didn't ruin it for them. Right. Okay. Not that they need to become doulas because I don't, I don't care if they, you know, pursue that path, but all of it, right? All of the work, all of the hardship, all of the time lost, the you know, missing parts of their swim meet or you know, portions of their birthdays, like it didn't ruin it for them. Yeah, yeah. Right. That's amazing. That it was a relief.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

Yeah, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

How else do you feel like uh dual work has impacted your your life as a person?

SPEAKER_00 17:20

Well, I mean, as you know, I am also a spin instructor, right? And so fitness is like super important to me. Um and and it's hard going to teach a class when I've gotten no sleep for you know three days. And you know, sometimes I weigh, is it worth it? You know, my circadian rhythm is still very much aligned with the sun. So even if I've been up for three days and the sun is up, I am still awake until the sun goes down and that baby is born. You know, so it's hard, it's hard. So definitely my fitness for sure.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

Yeah. It it has taken a toll on me when I was in my mid-30s. I think that I was like, I was I was a psycho if we're gonna be real.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Yes, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:13

Like I would be up all day, go to a birth all night. I I had one client who they hired me and I said, listen, the only day that I can't come to your birth is the first day of um work as a teacher uh and the first day of school for the students, right? So we have like the teacher convocation and all of that. And uh I was like, these are the only two days. But what I didn't account for was the fact that she could go into labor the night before either one of those days. And I didn't I didn't present that as a limitation, and so I didn't feel like I could not go. Yeah um and so you know, she goes into labor and I had been up all day. I went to her berth, I had to go to convocation. So I literally left her house with maybe an hour to spare. And so rather than go home, I went straight to work. Yeah, I curled up in my car in the parking lot, slept for an hour, and then Ubered myself a giant Starbucks to help me get through the day. Was up all day, yeah, had to go home and see my kids. Yeah. So I went home, I hung out with my kids, I did dinner. I think I was probably in bed by like seven that night. But you know, what is that? That's 36 plus hours that I was awake so that I could fulfill my two responsibilities, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:37

I um feel like I do that all the time.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Yeah, yeah. And and even if you don't have a another job, right? You're still you still find yourself in that same situation. I think I'm I'm luckier now, but like so I would do that, and then the next day I would be okay. Yeah, you know, you're in a little bit of a haze, but you bounce back now that I'm in my 40s, yes, oh, it takes me days, days to recover.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

Yeah, I feel like I'm still recovering. I'm saying like the wrong words. We had some prenatals this week, and I was like, I'm like, I didn't mean to say that. And I don't, I'm very, I'm very aware of what I the words that come out of my mouth and how to articulate.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Yeah, and like you know, it's like I'm tired two days later, and it's still like you still feel it in your body, you still feel in your brain, yeah, fog.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

Like fog, yeah, a little brain fog. Like, I'm tired, I gotta recover.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

And even like the birth that I went to this weekend, it wasn't physically difficult, didn't impact my sleep, right? Like I it was an early morning call to come in, and um, you know, and I've gotten like probably six hours of sleep. So I mean that wasn't impact, but not not terribly, right? And I did I did wasn't even needed physically to support her all that much, and and I'm still like tired. Oh yeah, right, because you get that that you also adrenaline, yeah, just like partners, we get it too.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Yeah, the adrenaline rush and then the crash, yeah. And then like if you're not fueling yourself at a long birth, let's say I'm guilty of this. Guilty as charged. Yeah, we have to be very intentional about like our, I always say, like, I don't bring anything in our my doula bag, like these are my hands, right? But like food is a top priority at long births, and sometimes I slack. Um, but if you're not fueling properly, like it that just wrecks you even more on top of the lack of sleep.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Yeah, yeah. I mean, we'll have to do a an episode on uh doula bags because I I do think that they seem like a Mary Poppins bag. Uh that birth that I was just at, mom, mom bled uh a considerable amount, nothing nothing dangerous, but you know, enough that the midwife decided to give her Pitocin. And um, you know, one of the things that we know. Is like dehydration can affect how you feel if you're losing a lot of blood. And and I was not as prepared as I usually am. Usually I have like a big jug of water that I take with me, and or at least a water bottle. And I don't know. It I knew I needed to go right away. And this dropping off my kids thing is a new experience for me as a dog. And so there was urgency to get out the door. So I didn't, I grabbed one um like a power aid, um whatever it was, right? Uh it wasn't power aid, but whatever it was. Yeah, something body armor. That's what it was. There it is. And see the word. Yeah. And uh, you know, the the midwife is like, I need you to drink something with electrolytes. And they're like, Oh, we don't like, we don't think we have anything here. You know, I grab it out of my bag and I give it to the family, right? And I was like, Oh, if I just pour it into her cup, I can maybe drink some of that. But like I'm also dehydrated. And um, but I I ended up giving it to her. And after the birth, you know, we were talking and I was gonna run to the grocery store for them, which is not something I usually do as a doula, but just so happened to be that this was what they needed in the moment. And so um, I'm like, what do you guys do do you have like a preferred electrolyte drink? Um, you know, the midwife goes, Well, what about the body armor? And she goes, I don't even know where that came from, right? It came out of my magic dola bag.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

Yeah, that's for me.

SPEAKER_01 23:31

But usually like that stuff is for me, yeah, yeah, right. And I agree. The the self-care is so important in the ability to bounce back so hydration and nutrition. Nutrition. I am I eat constantly through labors because if I'm not sleeping, I have to be fueling my body with food.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:50

Um, you know, I I will say that I I am non-committal to almost everything.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

Me too. It's better now that we're, you know, in a partner role the first probably four years of my career, probably more than that, probably the first six years of my career were solo dual work, which meant it was all on me. And you know, like I arranged backups in case there was an emergency, but like realistically, um, you know, it was all on me. And so I think it's it's nicer now that we shared that, yeah. Um, because I feel like I can commit a little bit more firmly. Yeah. But I mean, people people who know me and love me, they know like I'm like, yeah, I'll be there unless there's a baby. Yeah, I say that all the time. Right? Uh I missed my cousin's wedding. I did, yeah. No, uh, in a partner model. Oh. Um, she, oh, it stunk so bad. Um, my partner got COVID.

SPEAKER_00 24:56

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

And so I had to go. Yeah. You know, and um I learned a lesson there though, right? Which was when there are non-negotiable family things. Yes. Right. And this came in with my evolution of you know, developing boundaries of Adula. Um, when there were non-negotiable, non-negotiable family things, uh, like I've started saying to clients, like, yeah, we'll take you, right? We just did this recently. Like the mom was due right before my trip. Yes. Right. I said, hey, we can take you, but yeah, it might be a backup. And and she was totally cool with that, and then had her baby anyway.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Um, but you know, like I I was at my my cousin's, my cousin was getting married and I was at a birth and I was, you know, texting my family, I think I might make it for the reception. No, I think I might make it for the end of the reception. No. Right. And so I missed that. So when my sister was getting married the next year and we had clients, I was like, listen, yeah, I'm like, I am 100% not committed to you the day before or the day of my sister's wedding. Yeah, yeah, right. Like any other time you have a hundred percent of me. Yes. But if my partner is at another birth, if she's sick or injured or anything else happens, it's going to be a backup.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

And and it impacted a couple of people in terms of like having to hear that. Her wedding did not impact anybody, thankfully. But that, you know, just yeah, just being on call and and knowing that you have to go no matter what, yeah, that's hard. It is hard. It is hard. Uh, there's something you haven't talked about that I'm gonna I'm gonna bring up for you. Um the waiting is hard for you.

SPEAKER_00 26:51

Oh, thank you. Yes, thank you. I love to talk about it. Um, the waiting is hard for me. And we alluded to this, I wanted to actually touch on this. We alluded in the beginning, and I was like, oh, I want to touch on this because it is so hard for me when the phones start blowing up at night before I go to bed. You're up later than me, but before I go to bed, and then I'm just like in this, like, who's going? And my adrenaline is high, my cortisol is high. Like, it's all, and I can't, it's hard, not that I can't, but it's hard for me to come back down and just let it be.

SPEAKER_01 27:28

Yeah, meanwhile, I'm like, oh, our water broke, put that down, go right back to sleep.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

I know I can't. My I'm a very, I don't know, I'm very rigid in my sleep. Yeah, I think it's and which makes it challenging sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

Yeah. Well, in the stress, you know, and and I joke that like I just go right back to sleep. I I don't, you know, like I'll I'll have stressful dreams or I'll just be tossing and turning. Oh gosh, I like wake up and check my phone because I'm sure that it didn't make noise and somebody needs something and I'm not hearing it. Um yeah. But you know, I think um I think even for you, I hear you talk about like even in the days that lead up to people's births, right? Like you're like excited and anxious about them having their babies. Like you get as excited as they do with the end of their labor or their end of pregnancy.

SPEAKER_00 28:25

100%. I need to calm down. It's me. I'm the problem, it's me. It's it is hard. I do, I get so excited because it's such a oh, it's so it's such a great, you know, they're bringing life into the world and it's there's nothing better. But I do. I feel like I've gotten better.

SPEAKER_01 28:41

Yeah, the more that you do it, I think, and you've been doing it a while, but I think the longer that you do it, listen, y'all. I I tell people all the time, you want the brand new doula, right? Like if you want somebody there when you're like three centimeters dilated and you want them to be enthusiastic and just like a go-getter, you want the brand new doula because you know, for me, I'm like, I did this last birth, I did a ton of phone support. Well, I was on the phone with her, what, for four hours uh before I went in. And I was on the phone with her pretty much constantly, straight through straight through for four hours. Um, and and there is wisdom in that.

SPEAKER_00 29:22

There is like they're really, really the phone support is where it's at because you aren't in their physical space, but you are there supporting them, right?

SPEAKER_01 29:30

Reminding them of the things that they already know, right? And she she looked at me, you know, with those beautiful doe eyes that people get after they have their baby. And you know, she said what they always say, thank you so much. I couldn't have done this without right. And I was like, No, girl, you absolutely could have done this without me. And I said, All I did was remind you of the strength that you have. Yes, right. That's all that I did. Yeah, and she rocked that birth. Yes, she really did. She birthed that baby so intuitively and powerfully and confidently, and I I mean, I hope she tells her story as you know, with so many positive um descriptors, because from an outsider's view, it was uh it was pure bliss. Yeah, yeah. Is there anything else that you can think of that you would give as advice to new doulas who are just jumping into the field? Like other than don't go too early. Don't go too early. Then everybody's tired and you're not really advantageous to the client anymore.

SPEAKER_00 30:40

Yeah, and chill. Chill, chill. There like there's no there's no rush, chill. Yeah, like it's good to be excited.

SPEAKER_01 30:51

I'm still excited. Like I know, I know that I'm still in the right field because when I get to go, there there is some anxiety. Like I'll label the feeling in my body as anxiety when I know that I'm going to be going to a birth, right? Because I don't know when I'm coming home. And I don't know when I'm going to get to sleep again or like even if I'm going to be able to poop, right? Like I know. Let's get real. Like there you you don't get to support your body's normal functions and needs when you're supporting someone else in that capacity. Uh but so like there there is some anxiety that builds in anticipation of that. But when I'm there, it it all goes away. It does, it all goes away. Nothing else matters. It is just so beautiful and wonderful. And I think that that's we just have the best job out there. We do, we really do. Yeah. Um, so boundaries, let's systems, yeah, slow your roll. What else would you tell a new doula?

SPEAKER_00 32:02

I would tell I would tell a new doula um you need to uh you need to talk to Lacey Morgan. I would say that.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

That's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 32:09

I would, I really would. I feel like you need to have a chat with her.

SPEAKER_01 32:13

I try to counsel our doulas who join the team uh with the things that I've learned over the years because I've you know I've had some triumphs and I've had some serious missteps and um may or may not be divorced because of my work. I actually I don't think that that's why, but um, you know, it had an impact on my family and my relationships. Um, you know, and if I can share that wisdom with new doulas to help them to to stay in this work long term. Longer. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I think that that that's huge. Let's touch on just take a few minutes to touch on the difference between um solo dual work and partnered dual work.

SPEAKER_00 33:00

It it is trust. I know I need I need to say that. Um it's trust, and you have to be if you're gonna work in a partnership, it you have to trust that other person, yeah. Um to to pick it up, to be available to um to support.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

Yeah, it's like a marriage, right? It really is. You're you're definitely in a an intimate relationship with somebody when you become doula partners. Yeah. Um, and I agree that you know, trusting the other person and and I think having a um a similar level of commitment.

SPEAKER_00 33:38

Absolutely, right? Absolutely, because it doesn't work if one person is real gung-ho about it and the other's like, cool, you got that covered. Like, no, that's not a partnership.

unknown 33:47

Right.

SPEAKER_01 33:47

Uh I would never go back to solo doula work ever again. Like there having done it, and and I've had, I mean, I've had two long-term partners, uh, you and Jackie, but I've partnered with lots of other doulas on the team over the years for one-offs or you know, a short window. Um, I would never again do this work solo. You're shaking your head here.

SPEAKER_00 34:16

Yeah, absolutely not. Nope, nope, nope. Why not? Because it's all on you. It's all on you, and it's it's exhaust, it's exhausting even being in a partnership. Granted, it takes a lot of it off, the pressure off, but it's exhausting even in a partnership, let alone doing it by yourself. Because then you're doing all the phone support, you're doing, you're doing all the prenatals, you're doing all the phone support. Um, you're the one that's no one's coming to relieve you if the birth is long and some births are a long, some births are so long. And sometimes when clients ask you to come in, it's really early and you're there for 30 plus hours and you have nothing left to give. And so if you're if you're solo doula, you have no one to come in and relieve you. Right. And in my opinion, you're utterly useless at a certain point.

SPEAKER_01 35:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:09

I'm sorry, like I'm just gonna say it.

SPEAKER_01 35:10

No, it's true. Utterly useless. It's 100% true. And that's why I think you and I, as doulas, you know, in in the way that we support clients, we really try to prepare them emotionally and mentally and physically so that they can manage early labor on their own. So that we are maximizing our benefit by coming in once they hit that active labor pattern. Yeah. And of course, they can call us whenever they want to for phone support, they can call us in whenever they want as well. They are in charge of that. Um, but I think we really try to guide them to a more active labor pattern. Yeah. Um, I love for the client's perspective, and that's why the the agency is set up the way that it is, that everybody gets a paired model. Um, because the doula is, you know, presenting her information and and her background and her experience. And when you have two of them, you double the amount of information and resources. And um, and so I think that that's really huge for clients. Um, you know, solo doulas have backups, right? So so if you realistically, if you were at a 24-hour berth, you could call a backup. Um, but I think that they're it's hard to pass off a client to someone they don't really know.

SPEAKER_00 36:30

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 36:31

And so um it's it's wonderful for the client. If you have to leave and I come in, they know me. Yeah, we have a great relationship and and it feels seamless, yeah, really. Yes. Um, and we share similar philosophies, right? And and that helps in the way that we support people. Um I also love that I am going to Puerto Rico in five days and we have clients, and I'm holding the fort down, right?

SPEAKER_00 37:03

And I am all about you going. I'm all in support of you going because you need it.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

Right. You need it, yeah, and ditch your phone. I am. I am for the first time in eight years of running this business. I'm actually like leaving my phone away from me and disconnecting. But like, think about that. Like, sit with that for a minute. That for eight years, my phone has been an appendage on my body, like it has been connected to me. It has never been more than five feet away for more than five minutes because I have to be available to everyone all the time. So for eight years, I have been physically connected to this device. I cannot tell you how excited I am. I'm so excited to like cut the line for six days. Um, it's gonna be so refreshing. But the the partner model allows us to do that without me saying, like, I'm taking off a four-week window so I can go on a one-week vacation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And even then it doesn't matter because you could take off that four-week window and then you could have somebody who's not due for weeks and weeks and weeks who goes six or eight weeks early. Yeah, yeah. Right. So you you just never know, right? And and those are the things that I think have a big impact. Like a lot of duels don't travel, yeah. They they don't make committed plans. Yeah, you know, they don't buy anything non-refundable in terms of tickets. Right. And they they pour from themselves when there is nothing to pour. Yes. Right. Yes. There are there are definitely times that we're drained and we're still pouring out.

SPEAKER_00 38:49

Yes. However, I think, I don't know, me personally, like, I learned long, long ago that you cannot pour from an empty cup, which is why I can say, like, 30 plus hours out of birth, I got nothing left. Like, you know.

SPEAKER_01 39:05

Yeah. I think that's a a beauty of our model though, too. Because I I have 100% side texted you and been like, girl, I don't have it. And you're like, I got it.

SPEAKER_00 39:17

Yeah, yeah. And same. I'm like, I'm fading quick. And this is gonna be a lot, like, this is gonna go on for hours.

SPEAKER_01 39:25

I'm talking about just prenatally. Like, there have been times that you've towed the line for me when I've just emotionally depleted, and you're like, it's okay, like I'm I got it. Like, I'm gonna, you know, reach out to these people, I'm gonna do the thing. Like you, you pick up the line when they're slack.

SPEAKER_00 39:45

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:46

And that's a it's a huge gift as a dual.

SPEAKER_00 39:49

Yeah, it is. And touching it per like personally too. Like we're we're so invested in each other's lives because we have to be.

SPEAKER_01 39:58

Right.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

You know, yeah, a hundred percent. Like the swim schedules, like right, who has who, you know, like it's we have to be.

SPEAKER_01 40:08

Yeah. We I think we are as um aware, right? We are we are, we're basically married. You're my work wife. Yeah, thanks for being my work wife.

SPEAKER_00 40:20

Work wife, hashtag work wife.

SPEAKER_01 40:24

Um, yeah. So this, you know, I think that there's when when people think about doulas, they think about the the benefit, right? That we improve birth outcomes and um, you know, we're we're changing stories for the positive and we're creating um less interventions and less cesareans and um, you know, just happier births and and happier families, and and that is a beautiful thing. It is. Uh, but everything comes at a cost. It does. Right. And so uh if any new doulas are listening, uh, I would say that uh it's really, really critical to uh establish boundaries, take care of yourself, yeah, focus on self-care, um, prioritize sleep and good nutrition. Yeah, um and take a trip once in a while without your phone and don't let it be eight years. Yes. Love that. Yeah. All right. Uh thank you to everybody for uh listening this week, and uh we appreciate you. Um if you'd like to support us, uh liking and following our podcast is the best way that you can do that. Um we hope to see you next week. Take care. See you guys. Thanks for getting unhinged with us today. We hope this conversation challenged you, validated you, or made you laugh out loud. Birth and parenting aren't meant to be perfect or public, and neither are we.

SPEAKER_00 41:54

If you love this episode, share it with someone who needs real and raw truth. Leave us a review and make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss what we're unraveling next. Or Alex Chaff and Lacey Morgan reminding you that your voice matters and your experience is valid, and you're allowed to do this your own way.

SPEAKER_01 42:09

Until next time, stay unhinned.