Episode 22-When Dads Listen: Creating Safety & Connection for Daughters with Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield

From her recent trip to the National Religious Broadcasters Convention, Aliza Prokop is joined by Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield to discuss how dads can be more equipped to connect with their daughters. In this encouraging and practical conversation, Dr. Canfield shares insights from her book Let's Talk, and draws from her decades of counseling daughters and dads to offer practical tools for moving beyond surface-level communication into honest discussions. This episode explores the powerful role fathers play in their daughters’ lives and how simple, consistent conversations can strengthen bonds that last a lifetime. 

Resources: 

●     The Abba Project

●     Let's Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters by Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield

●     Dad, Here's What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart by Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield

●     The Dad Whisperer Podcast

●     National Religious Broadcasters

●     AMP Counseling

●     Follow Aliza on:

○     Facebook

○     Instagram

○     TikTok

○     LinkedIn

Hashtags:#TheAMPcast #AlizaProkop #ChristianRadio #Christian #Faith #Healing #Trauma #Therapy #Counseling #Podcast #Podcasting #PodcastCommunity #PFCAudioVideo 

# theabbaproject #thedadwhisperer

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Good evening. We begin tonight with an issue that continues to affect millions long after the original events have passed. Trauma. Mental health experts say trauma from earlier life experiences often resurfaces years later, influencing emotional responses, physical health, and relationships. While the incidents may be in the past, the body and brain can remain in a heightened state of survival.

SPEAKER_04 0:33

I wish I could just forget about everything that happened to me so long ago. But these memories haunt me.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

I know it's over, but it doesn't feel over. I need help, but I'm afraid to open up about my past.

SPEAKER_05 1:47

And her name is Michelle Watson Canfield, PhD. She's a licensed professional counselor, speaker, author, and the founder of the ABBA Project, which is an educational process group form for dads of daughters ages 13 to 30. That is interesting. She's a radio and podcast host of the Dad Whisperer and co-chair of the Father Daughter Initiative at the National Center for Fathering. So the book that she brought is amazing. I'm going to read this even though I have no daughters. Let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters. Welcome to the podcast. So great to be here with you. I am so excited. So this is not new or is it new? When did this one come out? It came out actually in 20, you know, right in the middle of COVID. Okay, you know, that's good. Then you had conversation starters when we were cooped up at home.

SPEAKER_06 2:45

Right, right. And then I have one that I wrote before that in 14 called Dad, here's what I really need from you. Oh. A guide for connecting with your daughter's heart. That is more for dads to understand how their daughters are wired. Okay. Whereas this one is now action steps. Okay. With 60 scripts, dads, I want to equip you to lead. Your daughter needs you invested in her. Yes. And you know I always say as women, we figure things out by talking. Yes, we do. Don't we? We sure do. And when we open our mouth, our heart opens. That's right. When our heart is open, our dad's heart is open. So it comes back to I want to equip dads to open conversations by initiating those with their daughters, and that's what this is. So which book should come first then? Do you have one that you think they should go with first? I would say the first one, Dad, here's what I really need from you, is a great starting point because it helps dads understand the wiring of their daughter, the need for listening, and I have 15 tools for a fathering toolbox. Teaching dads, I mean, we can get to some of those if you want to, because I love practical action. Because men that I've interacted with the last 16 years are like, can you get to the point already? Yes, get to the nitty-gritty, give me action. Give me a list. Point already, and number two. Yep. And tell me what to do to fix it. There's the list. Give me the list. That's really what I love to do is to break it down and go, do this today, watch what happens.

SPEAKER_05 4:05

It's amazing. It is amazing because you're meeting that daughter where she is. Right? Totally. So tell us a little bit about yourself and how you began this whole thing and how you got there.

SPEAKER_06 4:17

Sure. So I'm the oldest of four girls, so I grew up in a home where my dad was outnumbered all the time, right? And I've loved Jesus since I was six years old. And I had learned in the Christian home that I grew up with in that my dad, you know, again, did his best to try to lead us different than he'd been led because he grew up on the south side of Chicago, was in gangs from the time he was 12. Three different last names among the seven kids, six boys, one girl, abuse in the home was rampant. I mean, there was really no parenting. His dad died of gangrene. Oh. Homeless. Oh. Work for the railroad, was an alcoholic. I mean, it just was tragedy and trauma on top of tragedy and trauma. And so he didn't really know how to be a dad, right? And little by little, once he came to seminary and decided in Portland, Oregon to go to seminary, he other men began to say, hey, do this, and really get up 15 minutes earlier and read something with my kids in the morning for devotions. Yep. And you go, kids, we're getting up 15 minutes, we're like, nah. But you know, just learned on the job, which is most dads, right? So that's just kind of a quick background. So now fast forward to later in my life, and I'm in an in an abusive dating relationship with a believer who was mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive. I call a counselor who really taught me how to see where Jesus was in all my pain. Yes. And no one taught me that in Bible college. Nobody taught me that in my Christian school. You just it was learning knowledge. And then when my trauma and my pain and my abuse started coming to mind and to memory, and I'm reliving things, I don't know what to do with that because no one ever taught me how to put the city. You never processed it, probably. I didn't talk about it, I didn't process it. But I was drawn to a guy who repeated everything that was familiar, right? Absolutely. Yes. There you go.

SPEAKER_05 6:06

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_06 6:07

Textbook. Yep. But I didn't know that was textbook at the time. Yeah. And so, long story short, I was eight years in counseling. And I, in that process, not only did Jesus become more precious to me and real to me, but all the Bible college knowledge in my head came down into my heart and my soul and my body, physical body. I said, I gotta do this, I gotta help others. And so I'd been mentoring girls since I was 19. I've been doing that for 45 years in different settings and churches and camps. And and so then, born out of that, once I became a counselor, I went, there's this theme among so many women that they have father wounds or father voids, things dad didn't do or things dad did do that's left an imprint. And so, born out of that, I got this download from God reading out of Luke 1, where God told Zechariah, your son is gonna help turn the hearts, not the heads, of fathers to their children. And I literally heard God whisper to me, Michelle, that's what I want you to do. And I'm like, I was 49 at the time, never been married. I'm like, You got the wrong girl. I disqualify myself from that assignment. I don't think he got the wrong girl for sure. And you know what? I use that to build a bridge to dads. I'm like, how many of you would disqualify yourself from this assignment? You know the mistakes you've done, the choices you've made that you would say disqualify you, or the addictions you've had, or and yet at the end of the day, we're all coming right to the foot of the cross, going, I need help from a you came to save me. That's because I don't have it all in myself. I need a redeemer because I can't redeem myself, you know. So in all of that, I began to then lead groups for dads of daughters. This would have been January of 10, 16 years ago, where I emailed eleven dads whose daughters were my counseling clients at the time in their teens and twenties, and I said, Dad, how would you like to join me once a month for six months? We're gonna see if there's a change in you, your daughter, and your relationship. I said, the name of the group is the ABBA Project. God told me to call it that. ABBA means daddy in Aramaic and men love a project.

SPEAKER_05 8:08

With some tools to do that. With some tools, toolbox there.

SPEAKER_06 8:12

But you know what, Lisa? I had no curriculum, none. I didn't even know what I was gonna do. You created it though. Every month, God downloaded the next topic, and that became really the first book, which is what I took men through. I did that for 10 years in Portland, and then, you know, the rest is history, podcast, radio, books, have all come out of this heart desire to see dads be more equipped to connect with their daughters.

SPEAKER_05 8:36

And that's kind of where my expertise comes in a little, which is the trauma. So I have to ask what the slant would be, trauma focused. So what would you say, not to scare people, that's not why I bring it up, but what is the thing that you want to avoid or what can happen, and if a person has made mistakes, what can they do? Okay, so let's start with the first one.

SPEAKER_06 9:02

Yeah. Is that I don't think we have to look very far to see the impact of father wounds or father voids, if you know what you're looking for. Right. So, you know, we've all heard the song looking for love in all the wrong places. Oh, yeah. Well, why do we look for love in the wrong place? It's because we didn't find it in the right place. That's absolutely right. So even if a dad means well, he may have missed the mark in depositing love into her heart, and then she's gonna look elsewhere. And one of my observations from my 16 years now of traveling from my planet of Venus to Mars is that I've observed that men would often rather do nothing than do it wrong. And you men are smart enough.

SPEAKER_05 9:48

Why is that?

SPEAKER_06 9:50

I don't maybe know the why, but what I'm telling you is it's pretty universal. Yeah. In 16 years, I've had a couple guys go, well, but for the most part, they're like, Yeah, you're pretty much right. I'd rather do nothing than do it wrong. They don't want to mess it up. But that's what I would say. We're like, why is that? Because I think men understand honor, men understand respect, and they're like, I don't want to cause more harm. So I'm gonna let mom go in and I'm gonna back off. And yet I have women that are like, I'm so exhausted. Oh, yeah. I need more support, so they're dying over here. But dad's saying, I don't want to make it worse, and you've already let me know, or my daughter's let me know what I've done to make it worse. I'm smart enough to back back away. But dad, here's what you gotta know: doing nothing is doing it wrong. No decision is a decision. Absolutely. Right. But here's where you and I come alongside is we know you want to do it right. Absolutely, they do. So we're here championing you, aren't we? Yes. To say, yeah, your dad may not have modeled to you what kind of dad to be. You may not feel like you have enough of a playbook to go from, but that's why you and I are here, Lisa. We're saying we want to equip you with more tools. That's why you're doing this podcast. That's why you're in the trenches in your counseling practice, as am I, to say we want to champion you as a dad. As women, we are standing alongside you. Right. And one guy called me once, the dad whisper. I was doing a radio interview at Moody, Chris Fabery. He goes, you know what, you should be called the Dad Whisper. You should, and I think we are. But here's what's interesting in my natural self, yeah, I would shout. I have no problem shouting directives. But men don't do real well with that, with a woman telling them what to do. So that's what's kind of stuck for the podcast name is I want to whisper something in your ear and go, hey, try saying it like this. Go try go say, tell me how I hurt you when. There's the script. Tell me how I hurt you when, and come back and tell me how she responds. And then they go and they're like, Whoa. Or I think of Andy years ago in the group that goes, I've raised four boys, Megan's 17. I don't know what to do. I ask her why she's skipping school all the time. He's a fire chief, by the way, so he's used to male bonding. Yeah, and let's just get her done and put the fire out. And he goes, She won't even talk to me. She either bites my head off or the wall goes out. What do you got, Doc? And I go, Okay, here you go. Making it make it easy, practical, action-oriented. Go home, ask the exact same question, why didn't you go to school today? But put two words in front of it. Men are like, I'm good with two words. Yeah, I got that. I can do that. I have an idea, but go ahead. I'm wondering. I'm curious. Yep. Yes, he goes home. Megan, I'm wondering why didn't you go to school today? She literally, without missing a beat, said, Oh, we actually had an early release, so I came home, and he was like, What just happened? I'm like, Dad, you're not sure. Connection happened. And the connection was because she heard you asking a legitimate question. Instead of being up here and she's down here. An interrogator, which he's used to in his job, right? I'm up here. I mean, literally, he's a firefighter. I'm up here on a ladder shouting a command. Yep. Following me. So I know he meant well.

SPEAKER_05 13:14

Of course. But he didn't know what he didn't know. He didn't know. And that's the part that I want to also interject here is uh in my practice, I've had fathers call me about their daughters a lot, actually. I need you to see so-and-so. Can you fit her in? I'm j I don't know what to do. They really do care. Yes. Like they care about their daughters, but they're fumbling. And I think it's not intentional. And I think that's uh the point that I really want to highlight, and maybe you'll agree, I don't know. It's not like they're setting out to hurt their daughters. No, I absolutely agree with you, 100%. Yeah, it just sort of is a byproduct of what they know or what they don't know. So why do you believe that they do struggle to connect, the fathers? Why what is that? Is it just the their brain is different and they're from Mars, and that's the reason?

SPEAKER_06 14:03

Or why do they struggle? Oh, I think there's so many reasons for that. Sometimes, and probably first and foremost, I would say it's your own history, it's your own experience. What did your dad model to you? Yep. Number two, what messages have you received from within your family of origin or from the culture around you, maybe even in your own marriage, that you don't matter? I think too many men have gotten some message somewhere that maybe men are dispensable, you're not as valuable. We can kind of do without you. Don't you see that in the media a lot? Yes, that's what I'm telling you. The messages are.

SPEAKER_05 14:34

There's comms, there's jokes about men, jokes about dads, jokes about fathers. He's like a big bumbling idiot kind of thing. And I hate that.

SPEAKER_06 14:42

And what we both hate that. We are standing here saying that is a curse over you, your God-given role from the enemy. Absolutely. And it's not a coincidence that in John 8 44, Jesus himself, red letter, he called Satan a a name, a descriptor, the father of lies. He didn't say the CEO of lies. The creator of lies. Of lies, the father. Yeah. He's a counterfeit father. So you also have an enemy against you that doesn't want father-daughter bonding, father-son bonding. No. So there's an agenda against you that says don't connect, you don't matter. And we are here today in unison, wrapping our arms and our hearts around you as men to say you matter, don't believe the lie of the enemy. And I'm gonna I'm gonna even throw in another stat here. Some men you may like research. The overriding themes in research confirm, and this is both for sons and daughters, but I'll make it specific to daughters. Okay, is that when a daughter feels connected to her dad, so feels connected, heart word, right? Yes. Interesting how it backs up scripture. The hearts of fathers have to turn, not the heads to their children so that God doesn't come and strike the land with a curse, which we see everywhere, don't we? The ripple effect, trauma of father abandonment, fatherlessness, father abuse, father neglect, whatever. But here's the cool thing, here's the positive, Dad, is that every area of your daughter's life will be be better, will be strengthened, she will thrive the more she feels connected to you. Specifically, this is all research-based, better grades in school, more likely to finish high school and attend college. She will have greater self-esteem, less depression and less anxiety. She will be more likely to gain steady employment, she will have less body dissatisfaction and healthier weight. Oh, feeling connected to dad? What about mom modeling? Yes, that matters. But dad, I can go on. She will also, you're gonna love this one, she will delay her sexual debut by a feeling of connection to you. She will on and on and on be better and more athletic performance will be higher, more connected. There's nothing negative here. I'm not hearing anything. More pro-social empathy, on and on it goes, all by feeling connected to you. So don't believe the lie that you don't matter, that you aren't important. So here's what I've got to follow that up with. Back to what I said about you don't want to do it wrong. Dad, do it wrong. Do it wrong. Just lean in, be willing to fail. And then if you say to your daughter and you fumble over the words, I mean, think about football. Can you imagine if both teams fumble the ball and then they go, I'm done. I can't do this game, I'm on the side. No, you pick up the dumb ball and you keep going and you run the next play.

SPEAKER_05 17:38

Absolutely. Dad, don't give up. Investment. It shows investment and that you care. Make amends if you need to. That's the whole thing, the daughter will know. Wow, he's making an effort. That goes a long way, doesn't it? Okay. So the other thing is when all of this is said and done, does parental estrangement come in in any way? Do you notice that that's because I'm seeing that in my clientele. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_06 18:02

Is that it's the it's the big thing right now. It is, isn't it? It's the hot topic. It's the hot topic. It's we all know the words, parental estrangement. Yeah. And you know what I could tell you for literally the past 15 years, probably about a year into doing the Aubur Project, I started, you know, kind of more getting more known as someone that works with father-daughters. And I would say 75% of the emails I get are about estrangement. And that's been there for a decade and a half, not just till it's become the hot button issue. And so this idea of estrangement has broken the hearts of dads for a lot of years, even before you and I have probably been in the field, but it wasn't always talked about. Now it is, I guess. But now it's a big thing and it's happening more where I think younger, and I would say probably 20-somethings, maybe some younger than that if there's been divorce, but are saying it's okay to just cut dad out of my life. Right. So I get that it's really complex, but that's why we can walk alongside people throughout the process of establishing boundaries and maybe dads, if you can take ownership. I say maybe because not all have the capacity to do that. But the more you can take responsibility and own the ways you've hurt her without defensiveness, coming with a posture of humility. As I said earlier, if you just start with the question, tell me how I hurt you when, watch what happens. Yeah. She'll open up most of the time.

SPEAKER_05 19:26

And I think sometimes it's fear like they don't want to know. I don't want to know how I hurt you, because then I'll feel badly and feel like a failure.

SPEAKER_06 19:34

So then hire a coach to walk with you through that as you expand your window of tolerance. I know that psycho babble that we use in our field that you and I both.

SPEAKER_05 19:42

Jahari's window, wasn't it, or something like that?

SPEAKER_06 19:44

But it's just like you d do at the gym. You you imagine if you stay with the five-pound weight forever. Yeah. Doesn't do any good. Absolutely. You want to build muscle. Will you do it emotionally and relationally too? And if you come with a desire to know, you know, your time on earth, every day it's getting shorter. I know. What's the legacy you're leaving? That deposit in your daughter's life outlives you. You know, I think about you remember that song years ago by John Mayer? Yeah. Fathers be good to you. You have a good singing voice, by the way. Oh, there you go. You know, and it just thing, she's gonna love like you do. And then it says, Mothers be good to your daughters too. But I listened to an interview where he won, oh my goodness, I think it was back in 2005, he won the song of the year with that. Oh, wow, really? About the fathers and their daughters. And you know what he said? He was single. I think he may still be single, even now. But what he said is, I'm having a hard time finding a woman that doesn't have dad issues, daddy issues, he called him. And he said, What I've realized is it because he said, I can't undo what a man before me did to lay a foundation. It's really hard to override those. It is and so again, we know, as we were talking about even before we started to record, Aliza, is that it's easier to build a stronger woman than to repair a broken one. That's right. The more you can think with a mindset, men, of you know, I try to use metaphors that men understand how do you move the ball down the field? You think strategically, you think with a plan. You don't just throw the ball, you know where the end zone is. You do. You have a goal. An outline of some kind. An outline of some kind, yes. And if that isn't how you're wired, I'm just telling you, listen to the Dad Whisper Podcast. I do Dad Daughter Friday blogs, I wrote so cool. So that you don't have to say, I didn't know what to say.

SPEAKER_05 21:42

We've got a book here. I've written the script. I mean, here it is, and it says it has hundreds of scripted questions for a dad to ask his daughter to strengthen the bond. And I can remember, I have to give some kudos to my dad, who's been gone since 2007. Um, he was a clinical psychologist. Wow. And You know, I had three little kids at the time, um, ages Ty, Chris, and Sean. One was uh six, four, and two. You know, I had very little. And he he would see me rush in, he'd say, he'd call me sissy, sissy, sit a spell. I'm like, Dad, I can't. Sit a spell. Sit a spell. What's your rush? I'm like, well, I gotta get the kids. And I would sit down, you know, he said, let them play. We bring them here anytime you want. And we would sit and talk, and I would, I would be able to tell him about people that were just not nice. And and he would have a wisdom that I miss because I don't, other than my husband, I don't have many people in my life that that do that. He was the only one. And he would say, uh, Dad, I don't know how to handle these people. Sissy, it's like going to the zoo. Some people, when you feed them, you have to put the food on the end of a stick and stick it through the and they'll bite it off. Some you can hold, the little koala bears, you can hold and feed them. Others you just pat them on the head and they're tired of you. And I'm like, that makes a whole lot of sense. So don't try to feed the koala the way you feed the lion, and don't try to feed the lion the way you feed the koala. Thanks, Dad.

SPEAKER_06 23:10

What look at you still?

SPEAKER_05 23:13

We'd be seven years old, and I remember it like it was yesterday. So these little vignettes that you've written mean something. Tell us about some of your favorites. Like what are there any that you recommend to start with, or just any of them? You mean any in this book? Here's what I would do with Let's Talk.

SPEAKER_06 23:30

So it has five sections. Okay. Lead her to laugh is the first one because sometimes it can feel really heavy. I've had some where it's like, mom's the good cop and dad has to be the disciplinarian or whatever. Maybe you just need to go back to laughing together, where you ask her, tell me what item of my clothing you would love to see me get rid of. Let her make fun of it. My dad would be get rid of the white socks that you roll up in your leg, you know, with the with the flip-flops or whatever. Or I would tell them not to buy any of the Kirkland jeans at Costco. I'm like, Dad, no more of those jeans. Kirkland. Do a weird wash or whatever. And just make the stretchy jeans. But then it has questions like, tell me about your wedding day. This is right at the beginning. Like, let's have fun and laugh. What colors do you want? Where do you want to get married? What are the flowers? Wow. And I rarely, almost never have had a dad say he's gone into much depth on that conversation. So I'm like, here, Dad, I'm giving you the script so that she'll open up. Because I love how you just said my dad would in the middle of the busy day with the kids sit down and you said, we'd talk.

SPEAKER_05 24:35

We did, and they they played cards and played games, and we sat there and talked. And uh it wasn't that way so much with my mom, but with my dad, it was. And and he took an interest and he really did, you know, have it. You could tell, and I I think that's what you're trying to impart here. You can tell when it's a wrote scripted thing, and you can tell when somebody genuinely cares. And a daughter knows, maybe he's fumbling, maybe he's not saying it exactly right, but I know he cares. At least he's saying something.

SPEAKER_06 25:09

Yep. And I'm so glad you just said this that some men may think, because I've had dads in my group say, I can't read a scripted question. Yeah. That that's beneath me. Right. Like she'll she'll read right through that, that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm like, try it, just try it. I've had so many come back and say, it was almost like the script was invisible after a while. Like, and that sh you get to model humility. Like, hey, I don't have it all together, I don't have it all in me, but I'm willing to learn. I want a closer relationship with you. What do we need to do? And I say, Your daughter did come with a playbook, but I'm gonna help you write one. So that's the leader to laugh. Then it goes into lead her to love. It's to love herself so she can love others and dream. How do you want to be a world changer? What are ten outrageous things you wish you had the nerve to do? Let's write them down. Like, let's work on being who God made you to be, understanding your love languages and personality. Then it goes into lead her to look. It's kind of like if you're, you know, the light on the dashboard comes on in your car, you have to pull off and lift up the hood and look at the wiring. So this is deeper complex things about maybe depression and anxiety or cutting or suicide or cyberbullying or sexting or some of those topics that I've had dads go, I don't want to go. I don't want to talk about. But I'm like, when it gets tough, just look down at the script. You're like, I'm looking at the book, because this is really awkward.

SPEAKER_05 26:32

There are sections then about those very topics.

SPEAKER_06 26:35

Yeah, because I'm like, dad, if you don't speak into her life, then every other voice outranks yours.

SPEAKER_05 26:40

And if they're cutting or they're doing something like that, there's some pain in there, and there's some trauma in there.

SPEAKER_06 26:45

There's some trauma in there, and if not her, most likely she has a friend that's dealing with being suicidal or cutting. And so it still has a benefit. Just adapt the question. Do you have any friends? And I have some of them like that. Then the next section is lead her to lament. And my husband says, I think that's the most important chap section in the book, because and then under each section there's multiple topics. Wow. Like I said, depression, anxiety. And so, dad, you can ask your daughter, you go, where does he start? Your daughter decides where to start. You open up the chapter title and each one and say, which one do you want to do today on your dad-daughter date? And I would encourage you to do a minimum of once a month, a dad-daughter date with just the two of you. If you can leave your house so it's somewhere special. And I even have a friend, Lisa, who her dad would take her to her voice lessons and they'd always stop at this tasty freeze.

SPEAKER_05 27:36

Oh, okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 27:37

And once dad wasn't there, where do you think she still goes? The tasty freeze. Because she has memories of her dad at that place. Absolutely. It might be outside at a park, it might be at a restaurant, but it that matters. And then the last section is lead her to listen. I don't think we have to look very far to say there is so much noise in our culture. Kids can't even hear themselves think anymore. That's absolutely right. So this way, instead of it being, you know, texting and electronic words, is you're now in real time teaching her how to have a conversation in real time about real things. So you hand her the book and she gets to ask you questions about your life. Like, Dad, tell me something you learned the hard way that no one ever taught you. Because we're drawn to quote unquote reality TV, but I think it's this is my theory. Not really real. Having an opinion. Yeah, it's not realistic.

SPEAKER_05 28:31

I found out it was scripted after watching all of Sister Wives. There you go. Yeah, it was. There you go. It's all scripted.

SPEAKER_06 28:36

It's not real. No. But I wonder if sometimes it's because kids want to see a train wreck worse than their own story to maybe help them feel better. Better about what they have. But you guys, there's no redemptive ending. There's no here's what I learned. It's just kind of another version of the same train wreck day after day. But Dad, when you go, Yeah, I actually started smoking pot when I was 15. I've had dads go, No, I don't want her to know that. Because maybe that'll give her permission to do the same stupid thing. I'm like, you know what? I haven't usually found that. I'm talking four and a half decades in now, bossing inside women.

SPEAKER_05 29:11

Okay, look at combine our collective wisdom. No, I haven't either. They feel like more their dad is more touchable, not untouchable, more real. Yes. And more organically part of them.

SPEAKER_06 29:23

And human. Yeah. But then when you say, here's what I wish I would have known then that I didn't know. Do you know what this did to my brain? Or man, I numbed out and I had to learn how to miss function later because I missed out on learning. You're letting her know that you're resilient and she's gonna encode that. She's gonna embodiment. And she is too. Yes, she's resilient too. Yeah, she'll take that in and going, if you were resilient, I'm resilient too. You're exactly right.

SPEAKER_05 29:48

That's it's exactly yeah, I think we need a practice together. That's what I think.

SPEAKER_06 29:51

Come on. Because both of us are trauma-informed therapists. Absolutely. And I'm not kidding you. You may you know you live in Ohio, I'm my licensed in Oregon, but I do coaching in in other states now. But because you can do that in any state, right? Yeah, you can under that heading. And so I love being a part of complex stories with dads and daughters. So reach out to me, go to dr Azellwatson.com. Oh, I am absolutely well. It is a joy for me to enter into I almost the harder the better. Because teaching how to listen and share the hard heart hurts from you or others. You know what the cool thing is? We've all been ruptured in relationships. We've all had hurt, but repair is possible, healing is possible. And you know what? I'm gonna be vulnerable here for a minute. My family's blown up in the last three years. Okay, it is not the family I've known before. Okay. My parents are now divorced.

SPEAKER_05 30:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 30:42

And it I've been caught in the crossfires really hard. That's hard. I have a lot of bullet wounds. That's hard. It has been excruciating. But I had to tell my dad, I can't talk to you for a while. I don't I gotta get my land legs. I'm part of a big family myself. I've been got married for the first time at the age of 60, just almost six years ago. That's cool. And I go, I got a lot going on here. 20th grandbabies on the way. I can't do all of y'all. It's too much. And it was not easy for my dad. But I sent a video, I explained why, because I'm a communicator. I'm not just gonna cut off. What kind of background? Is he in uh mental health as well or no? Nope, he was a pastor. Okay, okay. So it was hard, but you know what? He honored it. Of course. Didn't violate my no. He's so again, I wasn't trying to hurt him, but I was like, I can't stay afloat with all that everyone needs me to listen to and do, and I'm trying to keep my practice going myself.

SPEAKER_05 31:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 31:38

And so I have to live the stuff I teach, right? Yeah. And you are a fraud if I wasn't. But I'm telling you, we've continued to now process and talk and work things out. And it's not been easy, it's not been fun, it's not been for the faint of heart. But I'm telling you, if you're a dad that's in a place where you're so discouraged, I have dads that are bleeding out. Yes. And I'm telling you, continue to pray. Here's even a practical action step. Again, dad's saying we like practical action steps. Let's close with that. We need action. Is this could even be something to do if you have a great relationship with your daughter. Okay. But especially if you're in a point where there's block, there's estrangement, there's distance. Go get a journal, one for each one of your children. Ah. Find one that you know she would love. So that when you write in it, oh yeah, we're talking about bringing back an old fashioned skill of pen to paper.

SPEAKER_05 32:33

Absolutely. I love it.

SPEAKER_06 32:34

If you really hate it, you could do, you know, but it does something with your brain if you're writing. But there's something about writing that helps with trauma processing. It does. That's why I said absolutely. You're right. You and I understand right-left hemisphere, kind of coordinating. It helps. And how this helps process stuff in your body. I mean, I think it's not coincidence that we intuitively rock babies right-left, and there's something about writing with your right hand and you're thinking with your left brain and organizing words, which is left brain with trauma in the right. I mean, you're working stuff through, believe it or not, even by writing. But if you get a journal and you begin to date your entries, especially if it's not your high skill set, this will even carry more weight with your daughter to know what you did out of love for her or your son if there's estrangement. But you write in it and date each entry memories you have that make you smile, that bring back remembrances of the bond. There's nothing in there corrective or negative. It can only be a positive journal entry kind of book. But it will keep your hope alive, memories you have, dreams you have for her, things you wish you could tell her. You know, it may be prayers you're praying for her. Draw silly pictures in there, pick a flower and flatten it and tape it in. Like I think you would love this. Or this bright yellow daisy reminds me of you and your personality. It will keep your hope alive and imagine the power one day down the road. When you give it to her. Come on, girl. I know. You give her that time capsule because if she believed the whole time that you didn't care you wrote her out of her life story, or she wrote you out of her own or yours, you give her this time capsule to say you were never far from my heart, and here's proof of that.

SPEAKER_05 34:14

That's absolutely how do you think that would dad? It's amazing that you say that because I have suggested letter writing to people who are going through that. And I think your idea is better because now it's dated and it's kind of an ongoing thing. So awesome. Oh, we need more time.

SPEAKER_06 34:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 34:31

Okay, well, thank you so much for being here. Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield, PhD. Look at you. With the forward button bigger. That simply means piled higher PhD, and he said the same thing. Like every dad should have an honorary doctorate because you're all used to that all the time. Process as well. So let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters. Thank you so much for being here. That is all the time we have.

SPEAKER_06 35:02

Be sure to check out how can we find you, drmichellewatson.com, or go to the dad whisper wherever you listen to your podcast, and you'll find me there.

SPEAKER_05 35:11

All right, I am going to listen to your podcast. Come on. Okay. So you can also find me on social media, uh www.ampcounseling.com. Check us out, give us a like. We wouldn't mind a rating. I mean, you know, if you're listening, you might like this. This was a good one. So that's all the time we have. Have a great week. Talk to you again. Bye.

SPEAKER_03 35:35

You've been listening to the Amp Cast with Elisa Marie Pro Cop. To find out more, go to Ampcounseling.com. You can discover more information about all our services that we offer. Be sure to follow our social media platforms using the icons at the bottom of the page. Don't forget to check out our show notes for today's episode, where we will have links and contact info for today's guests. Well, that's all the time we have for this episode. Thanks for joining us, and we will see you next time for another edition of the Amp Cast with Eliza Marie Pro Cop Dealing and Healing from Trauma.