Episode 32-Is Social Media Quietly Destroying Your Marriage? with Dr. Sharon May

Social media was designed to connect us, but it can quietly become a source of conflict, comparison, and disconnection. In this episode, Aliza talks with Dr. Sharon May to explore how technology can function as a "competing attachment" in relationships, pulling spouses away from each other and creating misunderstandings. From unrealistic comparisons to emotional availability and trust, this conversation gives couples the awareness and tools to ensure technology brings them together rather than driving them apart.

Resources: 

●     Safe Haven Relationship Center

●     AMP Counseling

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Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:00

Good evening. We begin tonight with an issue that continues to affect millions long after the original events have passed. Trauma. Mental health experts say trauma from earlier life experiences often resurfaces years later, influencing emotional responses, physical health, and relationships. While the incidents may be in the past, the body and brain can remain in a heightened state of survival.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

I wish I could just forget about everything that happened to me so long ago. But these memories haunt me.

SPEAKER_06 0:43

I know it's over, but it doesn't feel over. I need help, but I'm afraid to open up about my past.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

I survived, but I don't feel alive. I want to heal, but I'm scared of what that means.

SPEAKER_04 1:26

Welcome to the Amp Cast. I'm Aliza Prokop, and I'm so glad you're joining us. Social media has become part of nearly every aspect of our lives. It helps us stay connected, share milestones, and keep up with friends and family. But it has also introduced challenges that many marriages weren't prepared for. From constant distractions in comparison to secret conversations and emotional affairs, our digital lives can have a profound impact on our closest relationships. Today I'm joined by Dr. Sharon May, a licensed marriage and family therapist, author, speaker, and founder of the Safe Haven Relationship Center. For more than 30 years, she's helped couples heal from broken trust, strengthen communication, and build healthier, more connected relationships. Her passion for restoring marriages and equipping couples with practical tools makes her the perfect person to guide us through today's conversation. In this first episode, we'll explore how social media has changed marriage, why it creates so much conflict, and where healthy boundaries begin. Dr. Sharon, thank you so much and welcome to the AMPAS.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

Oh, thank you for having me, Elisa. Such a pleasure to be here.

SPEAKER_04 2:43

I'm so glad you came and especially to talk about this because people are always thinking this. I don't know how many people are really talking about it, maybe today, but it was something that came up in my private practice, and I'm not sure how often does it come up in your world? Does it come up a lot for you?

SPEAKER_02 3:01

Oh, absolutely. I think social media has impacted every single area of our life and definitely has floated into the marriage relationship.

SPEAKER_04 3:12

How has it changed therapy, though? Do you find like people come in and we're seeing more issues in the therapeutic relationship, and now we've got to deal with this third issue. You know, we've got, you know, affairs and we've got pornography and we've got all of these different things. Now we've got a phone to contend with. Is that a third issue now?

SPEAKER_02 3:34

Absolutely. And what's interesting is even when clients are researching for a therapist, they are more educated. So they'll ask, you know, what model do you work from? Uh, do you know this theory? And this person says that. And so they're a lot more informed because they are on social media and they are Googling and they are asking uh all AI these questions. So they come in having been researching AI, but also I think the social media is definitely the third person in the marriage. It is the competing attachment. Everyone is hooked on their phones, they want to check one more email, they want to check a text message, they want to check the Facebook post or an Instagram reel that just got put out. And somehow, when they think I'm going to check on someone, and then it's just one more check, two more checks, and before they know it, there they're sitting at dinner, coming home from work, their attention is not there. So definitely social media is a competing attachment in a marriage relationship.

SPEAKER_04 5:00

So I know that in doing some research in your background, emotionally focused therapy is something that you're an expert in, and attachment theory. So I was curious, if you have somebody who's got anxious attachment, let's say the woman has anxious attachment, and the male has avoidant attachment, and you've got the male with the avoidant attachment in the phone, and the female with the anxious attachment, and we've got this dynamic, it's like a powder keg ready to go off. Do you see that as something that could happen?

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Oh, absolutely, because the anxiously attached person that is saying, Do you love me? and interprets what their spouse is doing through the lens of maybe someone's not going to be there for you, uh, that anxiously attached wife will interpret the husband being on social media as I'm not important. What are you watching? You always go there, uh, your attention is not here, and the meaning they put on that is negative, is I don't matter. And then the avoidant attachment style person is thinking, what's the big deal? I'm just checking one more email. I'm working, right? I'm just checking my social media. I work all day for the family. Can't I just check this? What is the big deal? I'm here at dinner, right? You've said you want family at the dining room table. Here I am. Yeah. Is it not good enough? So the avoidant attachment doesn't lead with feelings, they lead with the logic. Right. And it's not logical for you to be upset. Whereas the anxiously attached person is leading through that heartfelt, are you there? And then the conflict starts. Yes. Pack your phone away. Yes. Uh, your phone is more important. And then the arguments about what it means. And it usually, the meaning it usually has is about, do you care about me? Can I get your attention? Are you there for me? And if not, then my alarm sound, and then the argument begins.

SPEAKER_04 7:20

Danger, danger, not safe, not safe. Something's unsafe for that person. So right. It's not necessarily then that the phone, the phone just represents something, right? It's not the actual problem. Right.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

Right. You know, technology has been amazing, and it can be so, so useful. But how we use technology is what can be damaging. Just like eating a healthy meal can be enjoyable and wonderful. But, you know, overeating or eating all the wrong things every day is going to create health problems. Right. And so it's how we use the social media and the meaning we each put on it when our spouse is using it or when we are using it. We feel left out, uh, left behind, not in the know, not in the middle of our friends or our social network, if we're not checking it all the time. And that then becomes that um anxiety and the compulsion to look at it, to be in the know, uh, or to take the selfie and post it. It is, what does it mean if I don't go on social media, starting from when my kids come home from school or my husband comes home from work? Some women say they feel incredible anxiety about not belonging or fitting in or being out of the know.

SPEAKER_04 8:57

Exactly. So when you have people come in and you have people, now this could either be premarital or let's say they come into you after they've had problems. I think that's what your safe haven program does. Uh, do you ever see premarital people, or is it just generally after the fact? I think it's mostly after.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

Oh no, we do. You do pre-marital. We see premarried couples as they're preparing for marriage. Sometimes premarital couples, all their issues start before the wedding and as they're preparing. And social media gaming.

SPEAKER_04 9:37

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

Uh, and so men, especially that are now in their 30s or early 40s, have spent so much energy and time gaming and playing those games and investing in those games and becoming really good at those games. They weren't out on the golf field, you know, on the golf course, they were in front of the TV screen uh gaming. And so women uh feel very threatened by your connecting with your subcommunity and your gaming community. Yeah. You're doing that in your spare time, not coming to be with me. Yeah. And so we see this issue, um, the competition with social media and gaming starting early.

SPEAKER_04 10:27

Yeah. So it's a competition within that community, but then it's the competition with other females. I see like a lot of comparison in my practice. So females feel they have to live up to this expectation, if you will, of what you're supposed to look like, of what you're supposed to be like, uh, what you're supposed to keep your house like, how you're supposed to parent your children, all of that. And none of it is realistic, I don't think. And that brings me to a question of when they come in, what would be a good framework, do you think, to base a marriage on as far as ground rules? What do you think is fair to say, okay, passwords, keeping phones open to each other? I've had clients say, I am not going to give my password or my phone to my partner. And inevitably, in that situation, that is never, in my experience and my practice, has never been a good situation. What has your experience been with that type of a situation?

SPEAKER_02 11:39

That is such a good question. And I see that uh issue come up all the time in marriages. That is so good. And you know, in a marriage relationship, I see it as a safe haven, that the two become one. We become for each other a safe harbor, so to speak, that we can sail in from the storms of life and come into the harbor knowing you love me, you care for me, you're there for me, you've got my back. And there's three things that glue us together as a couple that bond us is this trust. I trust you to be reliable, but I also trust you with my heart. I can depend on you, count on you, and you'll be safe for me. And secondly, you'll be available both emotionally and physically. You care about how things make me feel. And then thirdly, I the way we respond to each other, we're gonna hold each other's perspective and respond in the best interest of each other. And that is the glue: trust, accessibility, and responsiveness. And what happens with the phone, our iPad, or our laptop, and now my spouse has total access to it, it means I give all trust. I am so vulnerable in letting my spouse see everything, but I'm also then trusting that my spouse will see my good intentions. That if I'm text messaging a friend and my friend says, Oh my gosh, my husband is like one of the kids. I can't even get him to put dishes on the dishwasher, he puts it right next to the dishwasher. And if then the wife responds to her friend, oh gosh, I know what you mean. And now the husband reads it, and then the husband is highly offended and says, How dare you, how could you? I'm shattered, I'm wounded. You know, you're sharing private things with your friends. Now the wife is saying, I don't trust you. You've got to know that I love you and I care for you. I'm just commiserating with my girlfriends. And actually, you don't put your dishes in the dishwasher, you leave it on the sink. And the husband's like, But why should you share that with your friends? And then the meaning about it. Husbands then feel you talk with your girlfriends, you say things about me behind my back. Girlfriends are uh wives are saying, I can't trust you. You take a little bit and make it a big deal. Or wives with the husbands. I read your text message and you texted your secretary. Oh, I'm so sorry, you're sick. I hope you get the rest you need. But you never say that to me. You just say, Yeah, you just say, good luck, and don't forget the kids have to still be picked up. And now the wife is highly offended. And now you get two spouses who say, I can't trust you with my heart. Everything is a battle. So, no, I'm not letting you have access to my phone or social media.

SPEAKER_04 15:06

So, what is your opinion on that? What do you think of that? How do you feel that a therapist should go with that? What do you think?

SPEAKER_02 15:15

Well, yes, and as a therapist, you know what we can say to our couples is, you know, what kind of relationship are you trying to carve out? And what are the values and the protocols that you want to have? These are our values, our beliefs. This is what's true about us. We want to trust each other and be available and respond in the best interest of each other. And because of that, these are our protocols, these are our rules. And a couple needs to have those difficult conversations, Elisa, which is really difficult to have. And a lot of couples can't have it without adult supervision, meaning a coach or a therapist, being able to say, what is our belief about text messaging the opposite sex? Or who do we get to commiserate about the difficulties in our marriage or the family without demeaning each other? And when those conversations are open and clear, and we understand our spouse's intentions and values and care for us, then we can trust. But you know, Elisa, I'm also one in saying, let's not give our spouse anything to be scared about, to be afraid about, or to mistrust us about. So no, don't text message your secretary, you know, uh friendship comments. Keep it business. Don't text message your old boyfriend or the guy that you met at the gym. No, no, no, no. I'm a firm believer that we should include our spouse in a three-way text if we're building a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, that everything is open when it's clear and open and we can be kind. Then there aren't these little hidden shadows that we're keeping from our spouse or we're snooping to see what our spouse is doing. And those are the little pebbles that get into the shoes, Elisa, that I'm sure you've seen that become very big deals uh between our couples.

SPEAKER_04 17:33

And then if you have, say, someone who comes from a history where, say, there was infidelity in their childhood with their parents, now you've got hypervigilance, now you've got someone who's on the lookout for it, and they're gonna attach meaning to the smallest of things, right? They're gonna look at something and say, boy, this this is they're gonna look for it and they're gonna find it. They're gonna attach that meaning to it, whether it's there or not. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

And that's why it is important for couples to do their deeper work. It is important for couples to go through their trauma or even just their life experiences that give them the lens of their fears and vulnerabilities and what they're sensitive to. And when we know that, we can be more sensitive to each other instead of saying, oh, that's ridiculous. You're always, you know, thinking I'm having an affair and your dad cheated on your mom. Now I'm paying the price. This is ridiculous. But being able to say, you know, my wife's father did have an affair, and she is sensitive to that. So I want to live with integrity and I want to come and answer questions that she might have. And I want to maybe be a bit more careful and have clearer boundaries so that I'm not triggering anything. But also, you know, husbands need to trust wives that they're gonna do their personal growth journey, and wives are gonna trust husbands. You're gonna do your deeper work so that we're each coming into the marriage a bit more aware of our issues, a bit more aware of what we're sensitive to, but also having the maturity to take ownership of it. So we can say things like, you know, I have a dragon, I have an issue of, you know, my dad flirting with um secretaries and waitresses. So I'm a bit sensitive to that. So, love of my life, source of all my trouble and strife. I just wanted to know that waitress, you seemed over-friendly. Was there something there? This might be my issue. I want to clarify. And we want to have those difficult conversations and to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt.

SPEAKER_04 19:50

That's perfect, the way you put that, because it shows you understand your spouse and you love them enough to give them that space to practice through it, to grow through it, to work on their. I mean, I know it's it's being talked about in the news, and no one really wants to use the word trauma so much now, but it is a trauma. I mean, they went through a a legitimate trauma. And so it is something that in many cases needs to be addressed, is it not in that case? I mean, that sort of situation?

SPEAKER_02 20:22

Oh, absolutely. And being sensitive to each other is part of in marriage, we are each other's growth partners. We're there to help each other grow and mature. We're not there to just please each other and walk on an eggshell so not to trigger an argument, but we are there to help each other grow. And if a man realizes, you know what, I do like to flirt, I like the attention of women, be aware of that and being able to name it and own it and saying, where did I get that from? Well, maybe I felt loved and cared for through my sport achievements uh or through my good looks or my successes. And so that is meaningful to me. And when we can name it and be aware of it and take ownership of it, and to say, I'm on the growing journey of that, then our spouse can trust us more. Yes. It loses its sting. Yes. Yes. Because it's not that we have those issues. We all have issues. It is that I'm aware of it and I'm on a growing journey, and you're my growth partner, and we're growing together to be the best versions of ourselves.

SPEAKER_04 21:36

Right. And it's not in the darkness, like it's hidden. When something's hidden, then it's like, wait, why is it hidden? It's out in the open and you're talking about it, and I'm here to help you with your stuff, and you're helping me with my stuff. And and that's why this is perfect. And you know, everything you're saying makes so much sense, and that's why that emotionally focused therapy I really, really like, because it's about that. you know, attaching meaning type stuff and and giving people like it gives them room to say, oh, I get it. Is that why? Like that makes sense. That's some meaning, right?

SPEAKER_02 22:13

Yes. And that if you are flirting with the waitress, I then feel like my feet are over the edge of the cliff. Like, am I still valuable to you? Is your attention going somewhere else? And that feels threatening, just like you said you would take the trash out and you didn't. Am I important to you? Am I a priority to you? We are always scanning the horizon, saying, you know, wondering, is my spouse there for me? And it's okay that we do that because it keeps us bonded and connected. It keeps our attention turning toward each other, but we need to be aware of it when it becomes always critical or always harsh or punishing or scolding. We need to have some grace for our spouse. And you know, Elisa, that's why I feel it's so important for couples to know what they're working toward. That each day we're saying I want to love with you. I want to be your safe haven. I don't want to flirt with other women. But you know what? I might notice a pretty girl walking by. Or I don't want anyone else besides you. I want to be loyal and faithful to you. But I am going to answer a man in the grocery store if he asks me a question. And when we can affirm each other about our safe haven and what we're really working on and growing toward in our marriage, we then can be each other's growth partners without always being triggered but having some grace and being kind and honest and then being able to say at the end of the day, you know, I'm sorry, what did I do today that maybe I did trigger you and hurt you. That's not my intent. How can we heal that and work on that?

SPEAKER_04 24:09

Right. And sometimes those things that trigger and hurt your partner really have nothing to do with your partner. I mean if you think about it when they are going back into the annals way back when of the needs and the things that they're fulfilling sometimes it's having to do with those things from their childhood or from way back when. And their partner is just sort of like observing this and they're internalizing it and taking it as a personal thing when it really isn't anything to do with them. At least that's what I have found with some of my my clients.

SPEAKER_02 24:46

I don't know if you've Oh absolutely and it's past experiences and also personality. You know that the red bubbly personality is where's the fun will come to the end of the weekend and say we didn't laugh enough. We didn't go out to a new restaurant we didn't have something different to eat we ate the same old thing that wasn't fun. And so they get triggered but it's about what's meaningful to them. Right. And maybe the way they grew up they had more of a critical parent and not so much fun. And so or the other spouse is more about quality time and and slowing down and they don't mind eating the same thing you know they just want the peace and so they said oh we had quality time we ate the same thing every day we stayed at home and snuggled it was a great wonderful wasn't that great and they're both saying the same yeah right and then we've got to look at why does it trigger you is it that I'm doing something is it from your past you know is it your personality or your issue but regardless of whether it's your spouse's personality and you didn't do anything wrong by wanting wanting to have a quiet weekend at home, you know, it is saying it's you plus me. Right. You have these wounds and triggers from your past you have this personality style and I have these triggers from my past and my personality style. I get triggered if you yell or if you go to bed without talking things through then I think danger danger. It is understanding those differences and coming together saying let's work them out. Absolutely because I love you I care for you and want to work that through.

SPEAKER_04 26:37

And that's why my husband Mike and I have always said we're a three chord strand. So no matter what if something doesn't go our way or my way or his way, we come back to that and and it's always been that we have that hanging in our bedroom. It's like a plaque that we have that we refer back to because it's sort of that grounding point that no matter what, that's what we are and that's kind of the unifying force and it seems to to be that unifying point that we have. And I think that that's kind of what you're saying a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 27:09

Absolutely and you know going back to social media it's being able to say you and I baby doll we're going to grow old together and we're doing life together. Yes we've got the kids we've got in-laws we've got work but it's you and me we are each other's safe haven and saying what kind of safe haven do we want we want to be trustworthy. We want to be emotionally available we want to respond in the best interest of us so how does social media how does our outside relationships and the choices we make impact our safe haven and then making rules or protocols accordingly in the best interest of us and that sounds so good because the last question I want to ask you then is if let's say something has gone awry and a wife does find out there's been some sort of emotional affair or some affair happening with the phone, let's say, what would you recommend at that point?

SPEAKER_04 28:14

We have listeners that have written in some questions about that. I've had clients that have come in is there a set protocol that you follow or do you feel that it depends on the particular couple?

SPEAKER_02 28:28

Well yes every couple is unique in their personality their history but the principles are the same. When we discover that the person we love that we're hoping we can grow old with who will love us and be there for us is not that becomes an attachment injury it's a wound to the bond. I thought I could trust you depend on you I thought you were my safe safest person. You were the last person I thought would be text messaging these overly friendly text messages to you know your secretary and they're wounded and they're shattered. And a couple needs to realize we're on a journey of growing together we are learning uh we're discovering our issues and we've got to be able to give each other a path of healing and I then highly recommend a couple if they can't sit down and talk this through to get help because it is possible to find out what happened you know the husband might say oh my gosh before I knew it you know here we're talking friendly and you know oh my gosh a frog in the kettle yes the water slowly heated up and what was small and innocent now is bigger and he needs to really think that through why did that make sense for him to get to that edge of the cliff why did that become an option in dealing with his pain his hurt his need for attention and he has to work through that and then also understand the impact it has on his wife.

SPEAKER_01 30:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 30:15

And his wife needs to expand her understanding of that and also own how it has bruised her heart. And trust has to be rebuilt. You were my safe haven I thought you would never do something like this. How do we rebuild that trust? And trust is rebuilt when we see that our spouse is on a growing journey when we see that our spouse is taking responsibility is self-reflecting understands why it made sense is saying that's not who I want to be that's not how I want to deal with my issues or my emotions or my hurts I see how I've hurt you that grieves me. I don't want to hurt you that way I actually want this marriage but maybe some things in the marriage need to change or grow and we both need to mature so our needs can be met. And trust can be rebuilt when someone is contrite is on a growing journey and wants to rebuild it is possible. It's not the end of the world a couple can get through it and actually come out the other side stronger and even better because of it.

SPEAKER_04 31:30

I have seen that I have seen it happen to where it finally uncovers things where they were walking on eggshells and maybe they couldn't bring up issues. This makes that become a discussion point. So now we have to talk about these things. So I really want to thank you for sharing so much practical stuff with us today and taking the time to talk. I really think one of the biggest takeaways is that social media itself is not always the problem. It's how we use it and what we do with it and whether it strengthens or weakens the trust we've built with our spouse is really up to us. So thanks for joining us on the AMPast.

SPEAKER_02 32:08

Thank you, Elisa joy to have been with you and your audience.

SPEAKER_04 32:11

Thank you. If this conversation encouraged you share it with someone who could benefit from hearing it sometimes one honest conversation is the first step towards a healthier relationship. If you like our program be sure to subscribe share and give us a like and review.

SPEAKER_03 32:29

Thanks for listening to the Ampcast we'll see you next time you've been listening to the Ampcast with Elisa Marie ProCop. To find out more go to AmpCoeling.com. You can discover more information about all our services that we offer be sure to follow our social media platforms using the icons at the bottom of the page don't forget to check out our show notes for today's episode where we will have links and contact info for today's guests. Well that's all the time we have for this episode thanks for joining us and we will see you next time for another edition of the Amp Cast with Elisa Marie Pro Cop dealing and healing from trauma