#5: Why Self-Awareness Is Keeping You Stuck

You've read the books, done the therapy, and can explain your patterns better than anyone in the room. So why are you still stuck doing the same thing? In this episode, we break down the self-awareness trap — the lie the self-improvement industry has been selling you — and shows you exactly what's keeping the gap between knowing and changing wide open. If you're ambitious, self-aware, and still spinning your wheels, this episode will finally give you the right answer.

In this episode you'll learn:

• Awareness is the starting line, not the finish line. Understanding why you do something doesn't automatically change it — that requires a completely different kind of work.
• The gap between knowing and doing is a belief problem, not a willpower problem. If you're disciplined and still stuck, something inside you is in conflict with what you want.
• Your "buts" are your beliefs. Whatever comes after "I want to change, but…" is the exact story keeping the pattern alive.
• You can't think your way into a new belief — you have to act your way in. Small, consistent decisions that contradict the old belief are what build the new one.
• Ambition without alignment leads to burnout. Ambition gets you somewhere, but if it's not paired with internal alignment, it's unsustainable and comes at a cost.
• The belief drives the behavior. Until you identify and replace the belief underneath the pattern, no tactic, framework, or boundary-setting exercise will stick long-term.

Enjoy!

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Transcript

Awareness Does Not Equal Change

Client Case: People Pleasing Beliefs

Finding The Belief After The “But”

Installing A New Belief With Action

Ambition Isn’t The Problem

Personal Story: Worth And Overwork

Beyond Insight: Align Beliefs And Goals

The Evidence-Building Method

Fear Mapping And Heart Desires

Act Your Way Into New Beliefs

You Can Be Ambitious And Well

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to another episode of Whole Man. This episode is about the self-awareness trap. This is for the ambitious people that have read the books, have gone to therapy, have taken some courses, have mastered ambition, yet they still feel stuck in their lives. So if you're somebody listening to this who's really ambitious, who has a strong work ethic, and who's burning out, who is still stuck, who knows what they need to change, but is not able to change it, then this episode is for you. This is the self-awareness trap. And I don't think anybody talks about this. I'm sure people talk about it, but it's not talked about nearly enough. The thing is, when it comes to self-improvement, we've been sold a lie. And that lie is that awareness equals transformation. It doesn't. And today we're going to break down why. I had a client recently that had been through three years of therapy, super ambitious, super ambitious. She's a business owner, and she struggles with people pleasing. And she asked me a question in one of our sessions. She asked, Brennan, I've been going to therapy for three years. I know I have a hard time saying no. I'm aware of all these things. So why can't I say no? Even though I'm super aware of this, why do I keep saying yes to everything? And she thought it was because she just wasn't good enough or because she was doing something wrong, when actually that narrative that tells us those things is what's keeping her stuck in the pattern. The fact that she believes that there's something wrong with her, and the fact that she believes that she's just not good enough to say no is actually part of the pattern that's keeping her stuck. And what we realized is there was a belief, an unconscious belief that was underneath that pattern. So instead of looking at what do I do differently, we started to look at what's the belief that's in the way of her doing the thing that she knows she wants to do. And what her belief was was that other people's needs are more important than my own. And because she adopted that belief, she learned that program at some point in her life, that showed up for her as stories in her head. Um, one one thing that's really cool that you can do is um, so whenever she told me what she wanted, she said, I want to stop people pleasing. She would say, but. So she said, I want to stop people pleasing, but I feel like it's really hard, right? I want to stop people pleasing, but I don't want to let anybody down. So after the but, whatever comes up that is in conflict with the thing that we want is actually the limiting belief. So for her, some of the limiting beliefs were um, she said, I want to stop people pleasing, but I don't want to let other people down, which means that she believes that saying no means letting other people down. So that's been that was the story. That was the thing that was keeping her stuck. So what we did is we went in and we actually talked about that. It's like, listen, there's something, there's a part of you deep down that believes that saying no to people is letting other people down. Maybe there's another part of you that thinks that saying no to people is actually unsafe. And so we started to dig and dig and dig, and we realized that her problem was not that she was not good enough. The problem was she just had a belief that contradicted what she wanted. So we went in, we decided what belief she would better serve her. So instead of saying no is letting other people down, it's saying no is protecting my time and energy and allows me to show up better for others. And then it's like, okay, so what's what's a different decision that you can make whenever somebody asks something of you that you know you don't want to do, instead of reinforcing the pattern by saying yes, even when you know you don't want to do it, what's a different pattern that's gonna reinforce the belief that saying no protects protects your time and energy and helps you show up for other people? And she said, Well, I can pause for a second. I say, Hey, thank you so much for asking. I'm not available to do that. I'm like, great. So the way that you're gonna build your new belief is by making a different decision in that moment. So you want to observe the pattern, you want to observe the story, and then you want to make a different decision. And what happens is over time, that old belief that's no longer serving her is gonna change and it's gonna actually um alchemize into the new belief that actually does serve her, which now it's not gonna be hard for her to say no. She also had a belief that says it was hard for her to say no, right? So whatever we believe to be true in an unconscious level is what we create in our reality. And we're not taught this, it seems really backwards. However, again, if you're listening to this and you're ambitious, you have willpower, you have discipline, I'm willing to bet that 99% of the time, the reason why you don't have what you what you want is not because you lack discipline. It's not because you're not working hard enough. It's because there's something within you that is in conflict with the thing that you want. This happened to me too. So I was a district manager and I knew exactly why I was overworking myself back in my corporate career. I knew exactly what was going on. I could trace it back to childhood, I could trace it back to my stepmom who would wake me up in the morning with a full to-do list. And I felt like no matter what, that I couldn't relax in my house, I felt like I always had to be doing something because my mom always had to be doing something. And uh, the way that showed up in my career was that whenever I wanted to relax, if I had a team member that called me or if I had someone that wanted something from me, I would drop everything and do it because that's what was safe to me. That's what I learned. And uh what I didn't know at the time was there was a belief underneath of that pattern. And my belief was you know, my worth equals what I do for others. So I believed that my value in the world came from the things I did for others. That was what was deep in the background. And the way that showed up was the pattern of people pleasing, the pattern of dropping everything for everybody else, even when I haven't prioritized myself. And uh that belief was running the show. And the thing is, is like my awareness didn't touch it. So now, like, I understand that there's there's layers to awareness. And when we become aware of the belief, which is the root of why we're doing the thing that we're doing, that's 70% of it. However, awareness alone isn't enough. We have to actually do something to change the belief that's not serving us, and this is where the self-improvement space stops typically. So this is the key. You want to go from just ambition alone, which ambition alone will help get you to a certain place, but it won't help you stay there. Um, it's very ego-driven a lot of times. It's very much so like I want something because it's making up for a lack of something within me. So it's not necessarily energizing all the time, it involves a lot of suffering. And ambition alone sucks. Okay, what we want to pair that with is alignment. And the way that we get in alignment is making sure that our beliefs are congruent with the things that we want. So the reason why we feel so much resistance towards trying to do the stuff that that is gonna lead us to what we want to do is because there's parts within us that are in conflict with what we actually want. So, to become more aligned, it's not to stop working, it's not to lose our ambition, it's not to just be a bum. It's actually to balance our ambition and make sure that it's in congruence with our alignment. So we need to figure out based off the things that we want, we need to figure out what are the things that are gonna help us get there. And then if there's things that are happening in our life that we don't prefer, if there's patterns that we're engaging in that are holding us back, we got to get really clear on what's the belief that's driving that. And a super easy way to do this is by getting clear on first, I want you to think about the one thing in your life that you want most. We all want a lot of things. I'll give myself as a personal example. If I'm being transparent with you guys, I'm super vulnerable. What I want most in my life is to help as many clients as possible in my business. I want to be booked full of clients to help them with this kind of stuff. That's what I want most. Okay, so I'm gonna do this on myself. So I want you to say that, and then I want you to look out for the butts. So for me, when I when I say I want to book myself to the possible max capacity I can with clients, my butt is, but I don't know how. Right? My butt is um there's just not enough time in the day. My butt is I'm not sure if people are gonna have what I love what I have to offer. So there's a few limiting beliefs there. Like one, the butt was um people aren't gonna value what I do. The other one is there's not enough time in the day to do what I want to do. And three is I'm not sure how to do it. So I can tease each of those apart, right? But those are the reasons why those are the things within me that are probably preventing me from being at max capacity with clients, like being so booked that I have to turn people down. That's what I truly want. And so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go within and be like, okay, well, um, I know that that's my beliefs. So what can I do differently in order to contradict those things that are holding me back? So now it's like, okay, well, um, if there's not enough time, if that's something I believe, then what can I look for in my life to suggest that that's not true? So the next step is we have to figure out, we have to build evidence to suggest that the things that are holding us back are not true. So that means that if the story I'm telling myself is there's not enough time of the day for me to get clients, then I need to look at all the different um things in my life and in my past that would actually prove that to be wrong. Same with um the big one for me, I think, is uh there's a fear that people won't find what I do to be valuable. So I need to look back at all the testimonials that I have from clients. I need to maybe reach out to people I've worked with in the past, and I need to look for reasons why that's not true. And I need to strengthen the belief that people actually find a ton of value in what I do and that there's a ton of people waiting to work with me. That's gonna better serve me and that's gonna be more in line with what I want. So the gap between the thing that you want to do and you actually doing it is unexamined beliefs. It's not laziness. So most people think they're weak or undisciplined, and they're not. Um, their old operating system that's now outdated is is just still installed. So you can't rest if deep down you believe you're lazy. You can't say no if you believe deep down that saying no makes you selfish. Um aligned behavior stacked on top of an unaligned belief is not sustainable. It doesn't stick. So real change comes from believing something to be true that's different first, and then your behavior to reinforce it. So you got to notice the pattern. You got to ask yourself, like, what am I scared's gonna happen if I do this thing? Like for me, okay, Brennan, like what am I scared's gonna happen if I reach max capacity with clients? Well, I'm scared I'm gonna have to sacrifice my relationship. I'm scared I'm gonna have to sacrifice my health. I'm scared that I'm gonna burn out because that's what I've done in the past, right? So it's like, okay, well, is that true? How do I know that to be true? How can I prevent that from happening? So we I could just start playing with that and playing it out. And then what I'm gonna realize is that if it's something that my heart desires, if it's not an ego desire, meaning it's not something that is just coming from here, but if it's a true heart desire of my mind to be filled up with clients, then there needs to be a certain level of trust that I have that that's for a reason. And I don't need to know exactly how that's gonna look. I need to trust that that's gonna fulfill me and that's what's gonna help me progress and evolve in my business. So I don't want to keep, you don't want to question your heart's desire. If it's something you desire on your heart, it's because you're destined for it. So if you want something from your heart, it's because you're destined to have it. That's really important. So if you believe that you're destined to have what you want on your heart, then that means you got to allow yourself to figure out creative ways to accomplish that thing. And you have to figure out what's in the way of you accomplishing that thing. Um, so yeah, notice the pattern. Ask him, what am I scared is gonna happen if I if I do this thing? Um, and then that's typically where the belief lives. So um, yeah, name the new belief that you want instead of the belief that's limiting you, and then prove that that new belief is true with small actions and then looking for evidence to support it. And just understand you can't think your way into a new belief. You have to act your way into it. So give yourself permission to do the stuff that's gonna feel initially uncomfortable to build a new belief. So um, awareness is the first part. It's the starting line, it's not the finish line. The gap between knowing and doing is a belief problem, it's not a character flaw. If you're ambitious and you know how to work hard and you're good at taking action, the gap between what you want and where you are is a hundred percent something within you that's holding you back. It's it's it's an alignment gap, it's not a willpower gap. Really important. Um, so if this stuff resonated with you, if this stuff hits home, then please subscribe. Uh, this is the kind of stuff that I dive into all the time. Uh, you don't have to sacrifice yourself to be successful. You don't have to hustle and grind your way into your goals. Um, everybody listening to this podcast can do both. You can be super ambitious and you can achieve all the things that you want to achieve, and you can feel good while doing it. And you don't have to sacrifice your relationships and your health to do it. I'm a firm believer of that. Um, again, if this resonates with you, please follow along, subscribe, and share it with some friends, share it with some family, and we'll talk next time.