#7: The Price of Soul-less Success

We explore why big wins can feel empty and trace the root cause to the beliefs that shape worth, identity, and behavior. Through personal stories and clear steps, we show how to trade soulless success for alignment that sustains energy and fulfillment.

• the trap of push burn recover repeat
• beliefs that equate suffering with worth
• achievement versus embodiment
• how identity filters shape opportunities
• two roots of hollow success
• questions to test true desire and alignment
• spotting limiting buts after naming wants
• choosing new beliefs and proving them with behavior
• building evidence for worth and ease
• sustainable ambition without self-sacrifice

Enjoy!

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Transcript

Why Success Feels Empty

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You hit every goal. You've accomplished the things that you thought would make you happy. So why do you still feel stuck? Why do you feel exhausted? Like you're trudging through mud. Why do you feel miserable? The answer to that question is what saved my life. If you're listening to this podcast, it's probably not the first podcast you've listened to. You're probably a self-help junkie. You've probably read a ton of books, you've listened to podcasts, you've gone to masterminds, you've hired other coaches. You're somebody who really cares about personal development. And you're somebody who cares about success. And lately, it's felt more and more hollow. Maybe lately you felt like that no matter what you do, it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe you've felt empty. Maybe you've hit the biggest record-breaking month in your entire life and you feel you kind of feel, lack of better terms, dead inside. So why does that happen? Because that's not what we're taught in society. We're taught that if we achieve the things that we think will make us happy, we'll be happy. We're taught that if we grow up, we go to school, we get a good paying job, we build a business, we get married, we have kids, and then we retire. That's the American dream. We're taught that we should feel plenty of fulfillment and pretty happ plenty of happiness if we do those things. And if we don't, then there's something wrong with us. If we don't feel that way, then well, we're depressed and we're anxious and we have a disorder. Well, if you're listening to this, I know that probably deep down you think that's bullshit as much as I do. Because here's here's the truth of the situation. The reason why you don't feel good in the success that you've built isn't because there's anything wrong with you, it's because you're not building success in a way that you truly want to. I'm gonna get really deep into this. Success without fulfillment is just a treadmill that never turns off. Meaning that if our goal in life is to be satisfied and to have high self-worth and to really love who we are, if we don't believe deep down that we're worthy, if we don't believe deep down that we're valuable, if we don't believe deep down that we deserve the things that we want, it doesn't matter what you do. You'll never feel good enough. You'll never feel like you deserve to have it. Even if you create the life that you think you want, if you don't believe you deserve it, you won't enjoy it. It'll stress you out because fundamentally it's not going to be in alignment with what we believe to be true about ourselves. So when there's a gap between what we believe to be true deep down at an unconscious level and what we're doing, that creates inner conflict. It creates friction, it creates burnout, it creates resistance, it creates this narrative that we have to hustle and grind and sacrifice to get to the goal, because when we're not moving towards things in a way that we're naturally designed to move towards it, then it does require sacrifice to get it. If we're not doing things in a way that's in alignment with our value system, with what we actually believe, with uh our true hearts' desires, when we have beliefs that are in the way of what we truly want and we have patterns and behavior that are in the way of what we truly want, then we can maybe muscle our way into achieving things, but we can't sustain our way there. There's this quote that I heard, I don't remember when a couple weeks ago, and it was you can bullshit your way to the top, but you can't stay there. So if you're listening to this, maybe you've been somebody who has um entered the push-burn recover repeat cycle, meaning you push really hard towards a goal, you exhaust yourself in the pursuit of getting to that goal, you collapse after you get the goal because it was so exhausting to get there, you fall behind on your life because you have to recover, and then you do it all over again. So if that's the way that you're accomplishing things, just know it's because you're fighting yourself. Just know that there are beliefs within you that are not congruent with the things that you want. And again, this is really easy for me to talk about. So it's like, Brennan, who are you to talk about these things? And maybe it's resonating, maybe it's not. Here's where I'm coming from. When I lost my job in my relationship at the same time, back when I was burning myself out in my corporate career, back when I was tying myself worth to my accomplishments, back when I believed deep down at an unconscious level that my worth came from what I did for others and how much money I made and the woman I had on my shoulder, when I believed those things, I thought I was failing. I thought that the reason why I lost everything and I burned out was because I wasn't good enough. Turns out the reason why I burned out was because I believed I wasn't good enough. And it took me a really long time to realize that. And for me, you know, the only way I was able to figure out the root cause of why I was feeling miserable was when I was forced to stop. So what happens when your work ethic and your ambition and your willpower, what happens when the pure grit that got you to where you are stops working, is you have to take a different approach. We can't fix the problem with the same beliefs that created the problem. What got me to be successful in my corporate career, and what got me to achieve the external measures of success I thought were tied to my worth, what got me there was a deep-rooted belief of I have to suffer to be successful. Who I am is not good enough. Once I do this, then I'm worthy of what I want. I had all these beliefs running in the background that I learned when I was a little kid, that I learned to survive, and I didn't know it. And what happened was my identity was based off these beliefs, and then my ambition ran out, and it took me burning out a few more times to finally realize that I didn't have an ambition problem. The problem was I didn't truly know who I was, and I didn't truly know how to create a life that reflected who I was. It was not an external problem, it was an internal one, and it was projecting as an external one. Our reality is a reflection of what we believe to be true about ourselves and the world. We don't experience life, we experience the life that we believe to be true. Meaning that if I believe that money is hard to make, that is gonna be what my brain scans for evidence in my life. If I believe that I have to suffer to be successful, the ideas I come up with on how to build my business are gonna be the path of most resistance. If I believe that rest is laziness, then I'm gonna believe deep down that I um don't deserve rest and I'm gonna do everything I can to avoid it in my life. Our beliefs create our reality. So all of this leads us to the biggest mistake that we make, which is confusing what we do with who we are. Achievement creates results, embodiment creates fulfillment. So achievement is about the trophy, and embodiment is about how your skin feels while you're holding it. You can nail every external marker, money, title, and recognition, and still feel empty if the person showing up to get those results isn't really you. If you have to wear a mask and become someone you're not to accomplish your goal, you do not get the reward of fulfillment. Because we don't get rewarded for not being ourselves. We get rewarded for having the courage to be us. We get rewarded for vulnerability. So the way that we get rewarded for that is not so much external. We can get money and we can have external accomplishments by being someone we're not. Right? We can fake that part. But what we can't fake is fulfillment. What we can't fake is feeling energized. What we can't fake is feeling good about ourselves, a deep sense of satisfaction. That's stuff that you can't manufacture. That's the stuff that's priceless. And what happens is when we're lacking the stuff in here, the trap we fall into and the drug that we take in our society is that we think we can fill the void through external accomplishments. We think the more that we do, the better we feel. And that is not bullshit. If we do a lot of things from a place of truth and wholeness, meaning that if I'm doing things from a belief that says I am more than enough and I deserve to have what I want, then how we approach doing the thing is gonna be way more satisfying, may more, way more aligned, and way more fulfilling than if we're doing it despite what we believe to be true about ourselves. Fear, anger, shame, frustration, all of that stuff is potent fuel and it can get us to a certain point. But at some point, you're gonna be forced to stop. And I say this as somebody who's been through it. I promise you, you can try to extend that fuel, try to willpower your way to make it last longer, but like everything, eventually it's going to run out. And when it runs out, everything's gonna catch up with you. You're gonna be forced to confront all the things that you've been using work and accomplishments to numb and avoid. I didn't really start making true progress in my life until I stopped running through my work and I started to confront the parts of myself that didn't feel worthy of having a life that I deserved. As soon as I stopped running, it was painful, it was hard, but that's when my life started to truly change. And obviously, I know we're not taught how to do this. We're not, this isn't something we learn in school. We're very much so rewarded by doing the things that typically burn us out or make us miserable and successful on the outside and miserable on the inside. So I get it, it's hard. That's why I exist, and that's why my company exists. It's to help other people stop surviving and start hustling and stop hustling and grinding their way through life and actually start living and start working hard, having ambition, but also having alignment to back it up. So how do we bridge the gap? How do we make the results actually feel good? Because we're allowed to want money, we're allowed to want results, we're allowed to be wealthy. All of those things are great. And if I talk about money right now and you're feeling a tightness in your chest, then I invite you to look at what you believe to be true about money. So I think it's amazing that we are able to succeed and accomplish things in our physical reality. That's great. I want to bridge the gap to making sure it feels as good as it looks. So, how do we do that? Um the way I start with my clients is I I typically ask them, when you hit your last big goal, how did you feel? If the answer is nothing, or I immediately started looking for the next thing, then that's a sign that there's something within us that's misaligned. So the big thing is the first thing that you want to do, if you're accomplishing things in your life and you feel like you're feeling empty, I want you to ask yourself the question, um, how can I make this thing more enjoyable? That's one. Two is, is this something that I truly want, or is it something I feel like I should want? And three is, how am I getting in my own way of getting the thing that I want? And four is what did what do I typically believe to be true that is causing me to get in my own way? So, what am I scared is gonna happen if I'm gonna get what I want? So it's very much so a simple process. It's um if you feel miserable, let's say you're accomplishing something in your life, let's say in your career, and you feel miserable, even though you accomplished the thing, you want to ask yourself the question, um, am I pursuing something that I truly want to do, or am I am I pursuing something because I'm scared of what's gonna happen if I don't? Step two is you know, how am I getting in my own way? Meaning, like, how am I typically able to fuck? I'm really going off track here. I'm gonna scrap it and do the whole thing again. Alright. I'm just gonna free vlog because I think I do the best with that. Let's talk about why it's possible for us to accomplish a bunch of things in our life and feel empty inside. I know, Brennan. It's a deep topic, and it's why I created this podcast, so buckle up. There's a such a thing, there's such a thing that I call soulless success. Meaning that we can achieve things in our physical reality, but feel empty inside. And it's not because there's anything wrong with us, it's because of typically two things. Either one, the thing that we're pursuing is not aligned with what we actually want, or two, the way we believe we have to pursue getting what we want is not in alignment with who we really are. From my experience, that's it. Those are the two reasons why if you are successful on the outside, you feel miserable on the inside. It's either because the thing that you've accomplished is not the thing that you actually want to begin with, it's what your maybe ego wants, it's what the voice in your head tells you you should want. Maybe it's what your parents want, maybe it's what your friends want for you, but it's not what you want. Or two, the way that you believe you have to pursue getting what you want is not in accordance with your actual values or who you actually are. So you felt like maybe you've had to sacrifice parts of yourself in order to get it. And this is super common, even in the self-development space. It's really common in the sense that we're told that in order to be successful, we have to sacrifice things. And I do agree, but not in the way that most people agree, I would say. So we're told that in order for us to be successful, we have to sacrifice uh friends, family, peace. We have to struggle our way to it. We have to hustle and grind 24-7. We have to stress ourselves out, we have to rely on that in order to actually make something happen. And that's something that's rewarded in our society. Like burnout has been talked about more so like a badge of honor. We're rewarded for putting ourselves on the back burner and it being as hard as possible to get to our goals. And I think there's a few reasons for that. One, it's uh ignorance. I think that for a while, the way that we've learned to become successful has been very self-sacrificial, and we don't necessarily live in a culture that teaches us how to do things in a way that has the most ease. Typically, we're taught how to do things with most resistance. And uh, this is for a very specific kind of person, by the way. So maybe I should tell you guys who this episode is for. This episode is for the ambitious high achiever who is a self-development guru. They've read books, they've listened to podcasts, they've taken courses, they've hired coaches, they're very competent in what they do, typically, and they're very self-aware. They've gone to therapy, probably even. So they know what they need to do to have a better quality of life. They know what they need to do to build their business or be more present in their relationship or have more friendships in their life, they or take care of themselves. They know practically and logically what they need to do, but they just can't seem to actually make the changes they need to make. It's the person who is stuck in the loop of awareness and they're frustrated because they don't understand why willpower and hustle and grind won't fix it. And this is the person I'm speaking to because the lie that we've been sold is that in order for us to be successful, we have to suffer. Meaning that we have to sacrifice our peace, our relationships, and our well-being in order to get to the goal. And once we get to the goal, then we're gonna feel happy and life is gonna be great. For the person listening to this, let me ask you this question. How many times have you told yourself that? Once I get here, then I'll feel better. Once I get here, then I'll slow down. Once I get here, then I'll make time for my family. It's a lie. It's an illusion. But the reason why you think that you have to wait until you get here to do the thing is because you have a belief deep down in your unconscious mind that you learned at some point in your life to survive that says, my well-being is not a priority, or I have to suffer to get what I want, or I don't deserve both. I don't deserve a family who loves me, to be present with them, to have peace, and also to have a thriving work life. And maybe you resonate with this, maybe you don't. This is just my experience. I know for me, I'm gonna tell you a story real quick. Um, back when I was working for the company I used to work for, and I was moving up super fast, I was dating this girl who loved me for me. She was very much so a ride or die. She was the kind of person that would do anything she could to make our relationship work. And in the beginning of our relationship, I believed the same thing. And what happened is I got an offer to move out to Rhode Island and to oversee a set of stores. And she wouldn't be able to move with me at that time because she was joining the Air Force. And we both made a commitment that we're gonna make long-term work, even though in the back of my mind, I kind of knew that as soon as I moved, work would take priority in my life. Because work was my drug. The thing that made me feel good about myself and made me feel worthy temporarily was accomplishments at work. And so I was willing to do anything to succeed. And this wasn't the first time this happened. However, we'll keep it one story for the simplicity of the podcast. And so what happened is I moved out. It was a super hard endeavor. Uh, I went to a district that was known as no man's land, meaning that every single person that tried to go out and fix the stuff that was broken uh would always fail. They would get fired, they would um burn out, they would leave the company. And so I was determined to not fail. And so I threw my entire head, heart, and soul into fixing the district, and I succeeded. However, a few months into it, I started to see my relationship as a burden. I didn't see the woman I was with as somebody who amplified my life. I saw her as a distraction. And that's hard to admit, even now. I really thought that she was just getting in the way. And it wasn't just her that I thought was getting in the way. I thought that rest was getting in the way. I thought that relaxation was getting in the way. Anything that I did that did not directly correlate to me being more successful in my career, I thought was a waste of time. And so what did I do? I broke up with her because I convinced myself I didn't need relationships in order to be successful. I kind of became this alpha sigma male, right? This lone wolf. It's like I don't need anybody kind of mentality. All I need is my job. And slowly, as I continued to pursue that path, I started to burn out more and more. And eventually it got so bad. Um, after a year of being out in that district, I did what I set out to do, but I was very burned out. And this was early on in my career. This is when I was 22, 28 right now, about to be 29. And what happened was because I couldn't keep going, um, I was in a depression, was having some suicidal ideations. I was like, okay, well, maybe if I move and demote myself, it's gonna get better. So what I did is I uh demoted myself. I asked my boss if I could just be a general manager. I moved out to Lafayette, Indiana, and um yeah, I felt better temporarily. I had less responsibility, and we had a new store that we were building out there. And uh, because of all my experience I had as a district manager, I crushed it. Uh, me and a few other people, we just we hit a record-breaking opening, store opening. It was great, it was awesome. Uh, I remember feeling that familiar high of like, yeah, I accomplished something, I feel good about myself. And a day after that, I got a phone call. Somebody called me. Uh, my dad actually called me, and we didn't talk a lot at this time, so I had this feeling in my stomach that something was wrong, and he called me in tears and he said, Brennan, uh, your mom passed away. And so my mom at that time, I considered my s I considered my stepmom my mom. And my stepmom was someone I knew since I was four years old. And she struggled a lot with addiction. She struggled with drinking and pills, and she really fell out the deep end after um Essentially, after my surgeries and I got better, she started to drink heavily because she didn't know how to cope with peace. Uh, she was very much so somebody who was a victim of her circumstances. She grew up with a really rough upbringing, and yeah, she never quite broke free from it. And I didn't really stay in touch with her that much. When I was 19 years old, I moved out of my house. I joined the Marine Corps, I ran away using work as an excuse. And so I joined the Marine Corps, I did all these things for this company. So me and her weren't that close. And a week before my dad called me to tell me that, she left me a voicemail saying, Um, hey honey, just wanted to call you and let you know I love you and I hope you're doing well. And I didn't call her back. And so what happened was I didn't know what to do. And all I did was I shoved it down and then I started to take stimulants because I was burned out. I had just lost my mom, and I had no idea how to process it. The only solution I had was to work harder. That's what I was taught in every facet of my life. The Marine Corps just tells you nobody cares work harder. You guys have heard that, right? There's this sign that says nobody cares work harder. That's what my uh bosses told me in my corporate career. That's what customers told me, the people I helped. Like my whole life was revolved around fuck your feelings, work harder. And so I bought into it. And yeah, when I started taking stimulants, I felt like I had a second wind because I was artificializing energy and passion. I was like, yeah, I figured it out. I just needed this medication. And what happened is I got promoted again. I went from general manager to district manager, back again, and uh bit off more than I could chew again, move to a different position, bit off more than I could chew again. So it was interesting because my solution to the internal problem I was having was to move cities, get a different role in my job, take a different substance. So I was always changing the what, and I was always changing the where. That was my solution was changing the what and changing the where. And even in rehab, they tell you in order to recover, you gotta change your people, places, and things. So I thought that was the solution. But you know what I wasn't focusing on? The who. I wasn't addressing the root of it. My problem was not my competency or ambition or work ethic, no matter what the stories told me. The problem was I didn't believe I was valuable. I didn't believe I was good enough. I didn't believe I was worthy. I didn't think I was worthy of feeling good. I didn't think I was worthy of having an amazing relationship. I didn't think I was worthy of having a full bank account. I didn't think I was worthy of those things. And so I created the circumstances in my life unconsciously to make sure that I wasn't. I devalued myself at work. I let people walk all over me. I didn't say no to anyone, I overcommitted my time and energy. I dated girls that were emotionally unavailable. I kept attracting things into my life that reflected my beliefs. And I saw them as problems instead of what they actually were, which were patterns that I was projecting based off of what I believed to be true about myself and the world. And it took me burning out and losing everything to finally realize the problem cannot be solved externally. If you even want to call it a problem, it was just a projection. It was because I didn't believe that I was actually valuable of the life that I wanted. And when I went in and figured that out, which was just a ton of trial and error and hopeless attempts at trying to work myself out of my internal state, when I finally realized that, oh my gosh, Brennan, like there's never been anything wrong with you. What's been wrong is your beliefs and your behaviors haven't reflected the true you. Talk about a wake up call. And I was lucky enough to figure it out. There's so many people that are probably listening to this that maybe if they wouldn't have heard it, they wouldn't have figured it out. There's so many people that have passed away from stress or heart attacks or have built entire empire in their lives that they're super successfully external, but internally they're miserable. Like they don't have a relationship with their family. And so my goal is to help people prevent them from getting to the point where they build a life that is such a misalignment in who they are that they can't get it back. And so if you're listening to this, the reason why your success may be feeling hollow is because you're not doing it in a way that reflects who you actually are or what you're trying to pursue is not the thing you actually want. So I beg you to slow down and listen. Ask yourself, what do I truly want in my life? What's the one thing that I truly want that I keep putting off, that I keep telling myself that I'm gonna get to once I accomplish X? Ask yourself, what is the one thing that I want? And two, I want you to ask yourself, what's in the way of me getting there? And what's gonna start coming up is patterns of behavior. Um, it's what's gonna start coming up is the all the things that you're doing that are taking you further away from your destiny. And a really good practice for this too is when you ask yourself, what do you want, or what do I want? Let's say I want to have an abundant bank account. Look out for the butts. So, whatever the butts are that come after you saying what you want, those are the beliefs that are limiting you. And so I want you to observe the beliefs, I want you to write them down, and I want you to really ask yourself, are these things true or are these things just what I had to learn to survive? And then I want you to make a different decision. I want you to choose a belief that actually aligns with what you want. Instead of I don't deserve what I want, maybe it's I'm worthy of everything I want and more. And then I want you to ask yourself, what is a new pattern of behavior I can engage in to reinforce this new belief? How can I build evidence in my life to suggest that this new belief is true? And here's the harsh reality of it. If you do not look within, if you're if you're the person I think you are listening to this, you are the ambitious high achiever who feels like work is consuming their life, who is competent, who has work ethic, who has discipline, if you are that person and you have achieved external success and you are not feeling good and you're feeling miserable, the only true sustainable way to address it is to look within. There's nothing you're gonna be able to do in your reality from an external perspective that's gonna fill the void that you feel. And I'm telling you this because I almost didn't make it out. So I beg of you, reflect on what you want, reflect on the butts. So, what are the beliefs that are in the way of what you want? Make a different decision, choose a belief that's more in alignment with who you are, and start engaging in different patterns of behavior. And obviously, it's easier said than done because there's some extra steps to this that I go over with my one-on-one coaching clients. So if you're somebody who really wants extra support and you're over it and you want to build sustainable success in your life and you want to stop sacrificing your personal well-being and your relationships to get there, then I'm your guy. Um, I'll put a link to uh contact me and we can talk. If you guys like this episode, um, if you're listening to this over audio, then please follow, please leave a review. I appreciate it. If you guys are watching this, please please subscribe. And remember, you deserve to live a life that feels fulfilling and you deserve to have what you want. So it's time to stop surviving, start living.