Episode 18 - 18 months of Grief

Grief doesn’t end-it changes. In this episode, Vit opens up about approaching the 18-month mark since the loss of her husband and reflects on what this stage of grief can feel like. The conversation explores how grief evolves over time, why comparing grief journeys can be harmful, and the reality that everyone’s path through loss is different. Through honest discussion, the episode reminds listeners that there is no timeline and no “right way” to grieve.  
The Therapist & The Wildcard is a mental health podcast hosted by The Wildcard, alongside The Therapist, where real conversations meet professional insight—and nothing is off-limits. Together, they dive into therapy, grief, healing, relationships, emotional chaos, and the moments that make you laugh, cry, or ask, “Is this normal?”

Some episodes go deep. Some go sideways. Most do both. The Wildcard brings the unfiltered conversation, lived experience, and humor people are

usually afraid to say out loud, while The Therapist grounds the conversation with clinical knowledge, compassion, and perspective—without killing the vibe.

This podcast isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about talking through the mess, naming the hard stuff, and finding meaning (and humor) along the way. If you’ve ever laughed through pain, questioned your own reactions, or wanted therapy talk without the therapy voice—welcome. You’re in the right place.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Therapist in the Wildcard, the show about grief, mental health, and all the messy stuff in between. One of us helps people heal for a living, and the other probably needs more therapy. Together we keep it real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous. Welcome to the Therapist and the Wildcard. I'm Vit, certified grief coach, psychology student, widow, and wildcard.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

And I'm Jen, the clinical social worker that tames the chaos. Today's topic is around the 18-month anniversary of Chris's passing, which happens to be tomorrow. But by the time you watch this, it'll have passed. For us. How were we feeling about this?

SPEAKER_01 0:44

I don't know, it's weird. Part of it feels like it was just yesterday, and then part of it when someone's like 18 months, I'm like, that's it. Like it feels so much longer, but I think it's because so much has happened.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Right? You've made a lot of changes in your life since the day he passed. Not everybody does that. I'm not saying it's good, bad, or right or wrong, but you have found a way to go on, but still the anniversary is difficult. And I think part of it is you're sad you miss him. You wish he was here. And the other part of it too is I've accomplished so much since he passed, and my life is completely different.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

And that fucks me up. Totally. And you and I talk about that all the time. Yep. All the time. And it it truly fucks me up because Yeah. I love my life. But I want him here. Right. But there's a lot of butts. There's a lot of butts. I wouldn't have this life that I have right now if he was here. Right. So that's where it gets a little dicey. Yeah, it it truly messes me up sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Right. Well, in in your grief group and stuff, has anybody else kind of hit these milestones and felt the same way as you? Like life is good, life is okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

No, and that's what fucks me up even more, John. That's what fucks me up even more. Okay. But I know, I know I called you a couple weeks ago after grief group. Oh yeah. Yep. And I was like, I I thought something was wrong with me. It was a very intense group that night. And you know, everyone has different lengths of like when their person has passed. Right. Some are very close to when Chris has passed, some are longer. And and I know it's a little different because I'm also the facilitator. Right. But I how do I word this?

SPEAKER_00 3:02

Okay, when you called me, you were wondering if something was wrong was wrong with you. Was wrong. If something was wrong with you, right? Like you thought because you didn't cry and grieve like they were doing that night.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

Well, and some of the stories also, and I'm like, you know, it's been this long, and they're like, I still cry every day. And I'm like, I'm at a point where I don't cry every day. So I'm like, well, damn, like, should I still be crying every day? Should I? And you, you know, you asked, you were like, you know, are these people in therapy? Are they, you know, on meds? Right. And they're not.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

So they're not making the strides like you have, but you've put in a lot of effort to make changes in your life. And I think maybe if you didn't have the OCD, the changes would not have been so drastic. But you literally needed to figure out how to live in your house by yourself and take care of everything, which Chris did for what six years. If you took that out of the equation, you wouldn't have as many successes, as many victories. But the more success, the more victories, you just kept going. But I really think that if the OCD wasn't an issue, you might be kind of in that same pattern. Just kind of interesting.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Never thought of it that way.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

When were you gonna share that with me?

SPEAKER_00 4:43

I waited for today. I don't know. It's kind of came to me while we're talking. But but in all honesty, I think that that you either needed to figure it out, or you were gonna go insane.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Yeah, and I still haven't fully figured it out. Like the OCD is still very much there.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

But you have been able to manage it a lot better. Yes. And and you had to find a way to do that. Like you had to come overcome. You needed to. What's the word I'm looking for? I don't know. You over thank you. Overcome obstacles that other people not didn't necessarily have to deal with when they lost their loved one.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Right. So are you like, you're saying I was basically focused on something else. Right. Per se. Did you break that? No, but it has a hole in it.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

No, it just that top flops up a little bit sometimes. We got needos. In case you guys are wondering what we're talking about. Or just be weird. But you know what I mean? Like, everybody at the 18th month, 18 month mark. Why can I not talk today?

unknown 5:51

Everybody.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

Everybody just do something super inappropriate, but thank you. Um everybody at the 18th mark is 18 month mark. Why can't I say that?

SPEAKER_01 6:04

Everybody at the 18 month mark is different. Yeah, in that in so this kind of like goes into like comparing the grief as well. Because you can't compare grief. Although I know I did, I'm well aware I did. I'm well aware, okay. But you can't. Everyone is different, everyone has different journeys and ways of grieving and coping. And I did go to therapy. And often. It wasn't like I was going the most people go once a week. Most people go once a week, to be fair.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

This is pretty standard, yep. I went. I did more frequently per week.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

It was it was generally around three days. Yeah, usually two to three days depending on the week. But there was a rough patch where I was I should have had a frequent flyer card.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

We were doing a little check-in kind of often, but that's okay. Like you have overcome so much in these last 18 months. Chris would be so proud of you. And it's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

I was looking at pictures. Thank you. You're welcome. Not to negate my compliments, but right. I was looking at pictures the other day, just scrolling back. I was on the phone with a friend, and I was like, damn, like so much has changed in the past 18 months. Like, yeah, and it's crazy. Only a year and a half. And you never thought you'd be here. No.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

No. It's crazy. It is crazy. So now that it's been 18 months, and look how far you've come. What are your goals in the next six months?

SPEAKER_01 8:19

I don't know what I'm doing tonight.

unknown 8:22

It's a valid point.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

This is what fucks me up. So much has happened, but I'm still flowing through life. So day by day. I mean, the next six months. I don't know. I feel like I'm still gonna be doing the same stuff I'm doing, which is crazy because I didn't think I was gonna be doing this six months ago. So which is true. Sky's the limit.

SPEAKER_00 8:41

Oh, there you go. Sky's the limit. Well, that's the thing. You just gotta keep pushing through, but you have to have the mindset in order to be able to do that. And the support. You were lucky enough early on where you met new people that could help carry you through some of those times.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

I did have very good support very early on. It may have not been the support I thought I was going to have. But yeah.

unknown 9:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

I often get asked why I do grief group, and that's one of my answers is like I had. Don't get me wrong, shit was hard. I didn't want to be here. Right. But without the support, there's a good chance that I wouldn't be here. So if I can be some sort of support for somebody else, then mission accomplished.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

Yep. So yeah. Well, and there you go. You're also sharing your story. You're normalizing some of these things that other people are going through who don't feel like they're valid.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

You know?

SPEAKER_01 9:49

Grief is so weird. Yeah, it's pretty messy. Because I think everyone knows grief, and then they don't. They don't. Because I'm like, it should be normalized. Death is normal. And then there's so many people that I'm learning who haven't experienced close death. Right. Because, like, yeah. Oh, a I don't even want to say a friend because that's close, but you know, a great aunt, or you know.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

Or is it different too if someone had a long-term illness versus a sudden death? You know what I mean? That's different. It hits different. The struggles are different.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

We talked about that in grief group this week, actually. Did you? Well, so Ange actually asked me like a week or two ago. You know, she's like, I know his was sudden. Right. She said, Do you think it would have been different if, you know, he was sick? And this is something we talk about in grief group a lot because everyone's situation is different. There's quite a few who their partners or their people were sick, so they had to take care of them. And you know, she was basically asking which one, not that I prefer which one or the other. But I thought about it a lot, and I think I prefer the sudden.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

But you've never dealt with somebody with a chronic illness.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Not super close, but just talking to other grievers, they have so much guilt in caretaking. Like, should I have done this or should I do you know, if I would have done this? Not that I don't have guilt, because in group someone was like, but you feel guilt too. And I was like, right, but would I have more? Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

If because I don't know, it's just well, and I think it depends on the situation. If there's nothing that can be done, nothing can be done. Right. You know, but if if you're in the point where you're making medical decisions for somebody and then they pass away, that's a different type of grief.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Or like you have to decide if you're keeping them on life support or not. Like that's I can't imagine what that feels like. Right. Having to make that decision. Yeah, there's no way. Right.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

There's no way. Just it's a different process. It still hurts. Oh there's still a lot to go with. There's still grief, you know, but it's also different if it's a 30-year-old versus a 90-year-old. You know, that sucks. It's hard. Right. Sometimes it's more understandable in certain circumstances, if you will. Yeah. I mean or acceptable or accepted.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Yeah. I mean, when somebody's old, that's kind of like the natural life cycle. Not that it's easy. Right. But, you know, you're able to, they lived a good life. They were 80, 90, some years old. Yeah. As opposed to Chris was 33 when he died. He had so much more life to live. Right. And like I I felt like his life was just getting started. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

It's just different. All right. So are you anxious about tomorrow or we get? Oh, okay. I mean, I kind of need it.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

Okay. Okay. No, I think there's always an anxiousness around the months.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Yeah. Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays.

SPEAKER_01 13:43

Yeah. Because you don't know what's going to happen.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

You know how you're going to feel.

unknown 13:48

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

Like his birthday's in April. That's already like it's coming soon and it's stressing me out.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

Well, last year was rough. No. We'll get it, we'll get that in a different episode. Last year versus this year.

unknown 14:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:04

Unless you want to talk about it now. Go ahead. Go ahead to me. Well, you were on the receiving end. I don't remember much. I was on the receiving end of that. It was his birthday. And you had an opportunity to be out of town alone at a pool. And you're like, I think I should, because I'll be good at the pool. And you told me no. Alone? That seems like a bad idea.

SPEAKER_01 14:27

So we actually were flying out that day. Right. But I was still home alone in the morning on the day of his birthday. Yep. I had, I think, a pedicure appointment and a therapy session. And I wanted to celebrate him. It was his birthday. And going into it, I wasn't feeling. I was okay going into it. You were. I wanted, I just wanted to celebrate him. Yep. So I took a shot at Jamison. And then I think it was on FaceTime with was it Kara? I think so. And I was like, I'm gonna do another one. She's like, no, you probably shouldn't. Don't ever tell me that because I'm gonna do another one. Challenge accepted. But I was like, no, just one more. I think I ended up, was it three shots in 15 minutes? I was wasted. Was it by 9:15 in the morning?

unknown 15:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

Yeah. Wasn't your your finest moment, but that was never your intent either. No, I genuinely started with the first shot as just let's celebrate him. It's his birthday. Right. He loved to take shots. And then I'm very much all or nothing. So I got carried away. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

What day of the week is it his birthday this year? A Saturday. Saturday. Okay. I think. Okay. Do you have plans that weekend?

SPEAKER_01 15:56

No. Well, so we were supposed to go to Florida for Brooklyn's Cheer Comp again, but it's not happening this year. Um, but with everything going on in the family lately, um, we've all talked about celebrating each other's birthdays more, like getting together for everyone's birthday, doing more. Um, and I had asked Kenisha, I was like, if we're not going to Florida, can we just do like a party for Chris? Or so hopefully that can happen.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

Um, so we can just all be together and it'll be nice to be with his family though. Yeah. And that's something that you can't really do to celebrate Chris. Yeah. So I like it. We'll see how it goes. All right. Well, any last words of wisdom or advice approaching the 18-month mark? Advice for myself?

SPEAKER_01 16:49

I'm just hoping. Or others that are in the same position as you. Or just do what you have to do. Do what you have to do safely.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

Safely do what you have to do to get through the day. There you go. There you go. I mean, do you want something from friends? Like what would help from friends? Hey, thinking about you, like honestly, that it helps so much.

SPEAKER_01 17:12

Like just the hey, thinking about you today. Just the fact that the they remember. Right. Um, and I know I probably won't get it from many people. Vanna usually will text me on the second of every month and just be like thinking about you. Um, but their lives have all moved on, and that's okay. Right. That's okay. Like, I don't expect anything, right? But it is always nice of just, you know, somebody thought about it thinking about you, or when someone like texts me like a cute little story about him. Nice. That's always nice.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

Okay. Thanks, bit. Thanks, Jen. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. All right, that's a wrap.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

That's a wrap for the therapist and the wild card. One of us brings the therapy and the other brings the chaos. Together, we'll be back with more laughter, healing, and everything in between.