Episode 21 - 2nd Time Around

This week we talk about Chris’ second birthday not being here and our second wedding anniversary without him.

Last year felt like survival mode.
This year felt different—still painful, still emotional, but not as impossible to carry.

We talk honestly about how grief changes over time, the complicated feelings that come with healing, and what it’s like realizing you can miss someone deeply while also learning how to breathe again.

Grief changed shape this year.
Love never did.

The Therapist & The Wildcard is a mental health podcast hosted by The Wildcard, alongside The Therapist, where real conversations meet professional insight—and nothing is off-limits. Together, they dive into therapy, grief, healing, relationships, emotional chaos, and the moments that make you laugh, cry, or ask, “Is this normal?”

Some episodes go deep. Some go sideways. Most do both. The Wildcard brings the unfiltered conversation, lived experience, and humor people are

usually afraid to say out loud, while The Therapist grounds the conversation with clinical knowledge, compassion, and perspective—without killing the vibe.

This podcast isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about talking through the mess, naming the hard stuff, and finding meaning (and humor) along the way. If you’ve ever laughed through pain, questioned your own reactions, or wanted therapy talk without the therapy voice—welcome. You’re in the right place.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Therapist in the Wildcard, the show about grief, mental health, and all the messy stuff in between. One of us helps people heal for a living, and the other probably needs more therapy. Together we keep it real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous. Welcome to the therapist in the wildcard. I'm Vit, certified grief coach, psychology student, widow, and wildcard. Why are you looking at me like that?

SPEAKER_01 0:27

I did it on the first try again. Because I was staring at the camera. I'm like, why am I staring at the camera? I'm not usually keeping rolling. So yeah, okay, I'm Jen the therapist that just messed up that intro. You're welcome. But today's topic birthday and anniversary. Chris's birthday was April 24th.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

25th. Close.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

I was gonna say 26th, so I would have off by one either way. Okay, and your anniversary was May 7th.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

May 7th. Our public anniversary. But that's the one that always like kind of felt more real because people knew. We had like the whole wedding. We had, yeah. So it was his second, yeah, second birthday.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Second birthday, he would have been 35.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Okay. And how did you celebrate or remember him in some way?

SPEAKER_00 1:21

So this year we went, we did like a little celebration with his family. Um his twin sister's birthday were I want to say the month earlier or like earlier in the month. Okay. Um so we celebrated them, him, and then one of my nephews on his side. And it went better than last year.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Last year, I was Do you want to recap just a brief synopsis of last year? Yeah, I was gonna take a birthday shot for him in the morning. Just one. Just to celebrate him. He like just to celebrate him. He liked Jameson. I was like, let me do a little shoddy shot. One turned into three or four within a 15-minute span on an empty stomach at nine in the morning. And then by 9 15, 9 30 in the morning, I was on the phone with you.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

True statement. This year was a lot better. Um well, I'm sure it was nice being with his family, though.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

It was. I love being with his family and just and actually my brother and Marilyn and the kids came as well. So that was kind of nice to have like all of my people together. Yep. Um, so yeah, it was fun. Like we just hung out, we ate, we partook in some.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

You partied a little.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

Partook in some festivities.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Got a little high.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

That's Ganesha's fault.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

I'm just gonna leave that for interpretation, but okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

Um, yeah, so it but it was just like a good time. Like everyone just vibes and everyone gets along, and like the kids were playing and screaming and just having a good time, and it was nice to see like all of my nephews and nieces from both sides. Like, I don't know, it just like makes me happy because you know, like I'm just I'm for the kids, right? So it's just nice to see them like all together and like crystal at one point. She like looked at my brother, she's like, So we're safe to say, like, our kids are cousins now, like um because like we had gone on vacation with them, and then you know, they talk about each other and they just they're just badass kids. Yeah, like Brooklyn. I was a little high, some other people were so like Brooklyn was kind of like watching the kids-ish. I mean, like they were around, but you know, she was like, we're like, go check up on them. The next day she was like, they're bad, they were bad. She was like, Eli was crying because Antonio, Kingston, Jack, and Benji were just destroying his room, his like creations, and Eli's like such a good, smart, like intelligent, not that the other ones aren't all of this, but like he's just a little bit more mature, and it was his space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brooklyn was like, they're bad. I was like, oops. Um, but yeah, so it was just like it was nice to be able to celebrate him like that. Yeah, and just be with people who like knew him, family.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Loved him and wanted to celebrate him. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

Yeah, so it was a good time.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

Good.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Better than last year.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

Did I cry? I did at some point.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Yeah. But it was better. I just, you know, I try to I try to like keep him alive. Like not obviously, he's not fucking alive.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Visibly, but yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Yeah. Where like a lot of grievers I'm learning kind of get stuck. And they're like, how do you move on? How do you we don't fucking move on? But like I genuinely tried to like still do things that he would have liked to do. Right. Um, this is probably fucked up. I was just telling Grief Group last week. I was like, I still buy him shit. Like, like when I went to Mexico, they had like, you know, like one of those art, you know, they're just vendors on the street, and they had like this Michigan license plate thing, and I bought it for him. He's dead.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

So like But if it's something that made you happy and remember. Yeah, and like I know he would have celebrated him, then that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Yeah, so I just try to I don't know, I just try to keep it alive and yeah honor him and whatever. Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

That sounds weird because No, but that's what you should be doing to help keep him as part of you, you know, and that helps with the sadness and the grief.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

You know, if you're doing something positive to remember him.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

I try. I try.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

So that was that weekend, and then what, ten days later?

SPEAKER_00 6:13

Basically. Yeah, I mean 1015. 1015. I'm an idiot, don't we're keeping that. Um yeah, it would have been our four-year anniversary. Um that was this Thursday? Isn't today Friday?

SPEAKER_01 6:38

Shit, was that yesterday? Oh my god, I thought it was Saturday.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

No, it was when?

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Wednesday.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

No.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Damn.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

No, I knew today was Friday. That felt like it was like three days ago. Holy shit, balls. Man, I'm tired. Oh my god. Okay, so yeah, our four-year anniversary was yesterday. Yesterday, our time. You guys will see this in a couple of days. Or weeks. Weeks. Um yeah, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to like work or not. And my bosses, you know, they were super sweet. She was like, Are you if she was like, if you need to take the day off, like feel free. You're like, so caught yourself up. Um so that was super sweet. And then I decided to go to work because I was like, best to be busy. I'm just gonna sit at home and be like, woe is me when I'm probably still gonna be like that, but at least I'll be a little bit more occupied if I go to work.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

Um, and I love my job. So I went to work, and you know how like on your phone or whatever, like the memories from the year before, and the like two, three, four, five years before. And so wedding pictures were obviously popping up. And we didn't do like professional video, but I believe Dana had taken a video of like our whole ceremony. Okay, and I've never watched it. He never wanted to watch it because he's like, I don't want to fucking look at myself on the video, and we were there. What do we need to watch it for? Fair enough. I don't know what what my brain wanted to do that day or what it would the goal was, but I decided to watch it. You were just missing him and want to see him. Yeah, and like don't get me wrong, like it made me happy and like I laughed, I smiled, yeah, and I cried. I was spiraling. Like, why did I why did I do that to myself?

SPEAKER_01 8:51

Okay, life lessons, but it was probably good at the same time for you to watch and remember how great of a day it was.

SPEAKER_00 8:59

Yeah, and then oh, I told you like his parents had walked back down the aisle, and that kind of hit a little differently as well. Right. I don't want to like say it hit me harder, but it kind of did. Like it was just like, damn, like what the fuck?

SPEAKER_01 9:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

So yeah, that was it was early because I texted you out. Whenever I text you, are you with a client? Like, what do you what what's your thoughts when I when it's usually I go, oh shit, what's the problem?

SPEAKER_01 9:35

Like, what could be going on today?

SPEAKER_00 9:38

So yeah, it was the are you with a client? And then you said no, and I think I called you. Um, yeah, so I mean, I was just at work crying, but like my boss was gone. It's fine.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

Kids were sleeping, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Um when my boss had picked up the two-year-old, she had brought, she had like him give me flowers, so that was like super cute. Um, yeah, it was super sweet. And then Ange wanted to take me out in Chris's place. She was super sweet. She's like, Where did you guys like to go? And um, and actually, like, she ordered what Chris would have ordered as well. Like, really? Yeah, he would get like the swarma sandwich, and he loved their French. We went to Sahara. Can I say that? Fuck it. Um good talk. So, and I was like, Oh, because she was like thinking about the meal before we actually went. She's like, Oh, they're fries. I was like, Chris loved those, and she's like, Yeah, I'm just filling in for Chris today. Um, but yeah, so that was like so. After work, I had gone to her suite because Ella had an appointment, so just kind of like filled some time there, and then we just all kind of went out and it was nice. We just ate and chatted, and yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Did you share memories of the uh wedding and all that or on Facebook or with her?

SPEAKER_00 11:09

With them at dinner or oh yeah, so they she watched because I told her like they knew that day that I watched the video, so she was like, Can I watch it? Um, so they watched the video, looked at some pictures, yeah. We talked about him. Um, and then of course the conversation gets brought up of she was like, I want to know you if he passed.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

I was like, dude, me and Jen probably every time I see you, I'm like, thanks, Chris.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

All the time. So yeah, we like talked about that and it was good, but you needed that, right?

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Sometimes you just need somebody to sit with you and be able to listen and experience your memories of something that was so amazing. You know what I mean? Not everybody has that, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

And actually, Vanna had texted me. Um, and she says this often. Sorry, I'm trying to find it. It literally just dawned on me that because I don't even think I answered her back, to be honest. Sorry. Oh, yeah, because we were just talking, and I said, I'm okay. Today's our anniversary. I decided to watch our wedding video video for the first time, so that was dumb. And she said, That's not dumb, you had real love. And she said, I'm so envious of that. Um, yeah, and like she said that before. She was like, I didn't know him. She goes, but she goes, I want to be able to find that type of love someday. Yeah. So that's always just like yeah. I'm like, oh. Anyways, he was just such a good guy, like right, there wasn't nothing to not like about him. So yeah. It was a I mean, those days are always hard, but like it was a good day. Yeah. Um, yeah. So it was good.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

Well, and that's the thing. So, what would you tell viewers when it comes to hard days like that? Anniversaries, birthdays.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

You just gotta embrace whatever goes on that day.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Yeah, and don't beat yourself up for it.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

No, you're gonna have your ups and your downs. I literally was crying one minute and then you calmed. Didn't I tell you I was like, okay, thanks. I just needed to hear your voice to calm my nervous system.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Well, and you know you have your people lined up, right? Like, yeah, and that's okay. You know, don't isolate on the times where you isolated, you had harder days.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

I did be around people, you're gonna want to isolate, like, and I never want to be that girl who's like the Debbie Downer, here comes it, talking about a dead husband again. I love talking about him, and I know it makes people uncomfortable, they don't know how to handle it.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Um, for instance, the woman who married us. I used to work for her, we're good friends now. Um I think she had seen my post about the flowers from my boss, and she was like, Oh, she goes, all the memory things popped up. She goes, I didn't know if I should say something, or and so it makes people uncomfortable. They don't want to like trigger you. Right. We're always triggered. Valid. Like, maybe trigger's not the right word. They're always on our mind, right? They're always there. They're we're always thinking about them. We like to talk about them. So just embrace it, celebrate them, be with people who loved them, love you.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

Do something that they loved, go to a restaurant that they loved. Yeah. I had a client tell me it was her mom that passed. Um, she went to Wendy's and ordered what her mom would always order at Wendy's. Oh. And then they went over to the cemetery. And I was like, okay, that's cute.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

That's a good way to like embrace it, you know, and it's not easy, but no, but it it's what we have to deal with, and that's what you gotta do. It is what you make it. Mm-hmm. That is true. And that's not to say I made it great all the time because Lord knows I didn't want to live for like seven months. But it becomes manageable. The grief doesn't go away. No, it becomes more manageable.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

And it's nice, and it's probably more manageable when you have people who can share that with you.

SPEAKER_00 15:39

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like Ella and Ange, like they were. Ella will talk to Chris like he's here. We okay, we were on a play date, and we're both nannies, and I was wearing my ring that day. I don't always wear it when I work because it just gets in the way. And so the one nanny was like, she had known both of us, like sort of like we had seen each other. Okay, and she was like, Oh, you're married. And Ella goes, Yeah, God, Chris, love him. He's he's up there, and I'm like, This girl thinks we're fucking nuts. And she's like, huh? I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. My husband died, and she's like, Oh, fucking Chris. And I'm like, Ella, stop.

unknown 16:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Like, even the other day we're like talking about him on the anniversary, and she's like, Way to go, Chris. Jesus Christ.

unknown 16:33

I'm like, whoa.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

So like, and like, yeah, like, so like I don't I like that though. Like it's okay to say his name. Yes, don't okay to say I'm a widow. Don't be weird, right?

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Like, let's don't make it awkward.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

So I don't know. Just check in with people. Check in.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Celebrate. Yeah. Celebrate them. Yeah. And like I had one friend, it's like 4 30 in the morning. She was like, thinking about you today. I don't even know how the fuck she remembered, but she did. And I don't care how she remembered. It's just like those make you just it just makes you feel good that like people are thinking about you and people care. Yep. For sure. So second anniversary without him? Mm-hmm. In the books. In the books. Keep him coming because I think I know. That's how it's gonna be. That's how you're gonna do it. So yeah. I mean, next year could be a fucking disaster. Who knows?

SPEAKER_01 17:31

Right, yeah, you don't know.

SPEAKER_00 17:32

So yeah, there's that. But no, it was good. Good. Both dates, anniversaries, whatever you want to call them, were better than last. There you go. There is hope. It does get better. It does. In a way. It becomes manageable.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

More manageable.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

Yeah. There you go. Because we had a grief. We were laughing in grief group because this girl's mom had passed away. Literally, like the week before. And she was like crying. She's like, I came to Group because I wanted to see if it gets better. And she was like, but apparently it doesn't after we had all the time. And we all started laughing. She laughed. We were like, well, sort of not really. A little bit. It changes. It does. It evolves and changes, and yeah. Yeah. You learn how to live with it. You have no choice.

SPEAKER_01 18:28

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

So.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Alright, well, thanks, bit. I guess that's a wrap.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

Thanks of it. Is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

Thanks, Bitty.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Okay. Thanks, bit. That's a wrap for the therapist and the wild card. One of us brings the therapy and the other brings the chaos. Together, we'll be back with more laughter, healing, and everything in between.