Episode 23 - The Third Wheel Club Nobody Wants to Join

When you lose your spouse, you don't just lose the person you love—you lose the person who put you first.

In this episode, Jen and Vit talk about the complicated reality of becoming the "single friend" after widowhood. We discuss what it's like to suddenly feel like the third wheel among couples, navigating social events alone, and trying to find your place in friendships that have naturally shifted over time.

We also dive into something many widows and widowers experience but rarely talk about: the realization that you're no longer anyone's priority. You're no longer someone's first phone call, built-in plans, emergency contact, or person at the end of the day. It's a painful part of grief that can leave you feeling lonely in ways you never expected.

This conversation is honest, raw, and validating for anyone struggling with the social and emotional changes that come after losing their person.

Because sometimes the hardest part isn't being alone—it's learning how to live in a world where your place has changed.

The Therapist & The Wildcard is a mental health podcast hosted by The Wildcard, alongside The Therapist, where real conversations meet professional insight—and nothing is off-limits. Together, they dive into therapy, grief, healing, relationships, emotional chaos, and the moments that make you laugh, cry, or ask, “Is this normal?”

Some episodes go deep. Some go sideways. Most do both. The Wildcard brings the unfiltered conversation, lived experience, and humor people are

usually afraid to say out loud, while The Therapist grounds the conversation with clinical knowledge, compassion, and perspective—without killing the vibe.

This podcast isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about talking through the mess, naming the hard stuff, and finding meaning (and humor) along the way. If you’ve ever laughed through pain, questioned your own reactions, or wanted therapy talk without the therapy voice—welcome. You’re in the right place.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61581431292635 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thetherapistandthewildcard TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thetherapistnthewildcard

The Therapist & The Wildcard is a mental health podcast hosted by The Wildcard, alongside The Therapist, where real conversations meet professional insight—and nothing is off-limits. Together, they dive into therapy, grief, healing, relationships, emotional chaos, and the moments that make you laugh, cry, or ask, “Is this normal?”

Some episodes go deep. Some go sideways. Most do both. The Wildcard brings the unfiltered conversation, lived experience, and humor people are

usually afraid to say out loud, while The Therapist grounds the conversation with clinical knowledge, compassion, and perspective—without killing the vibe.

This podcast isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about talking through the mess, naming the hard stuff, and finding meaning (and humor) along the way. If you’ve ever laughed through pain, questioned your own reactions, or wanted therapy talk without the therapy voice—welcome. You’re in the right place.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61581431292635 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thetherapistandthewildcard TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thetherapistnthewildcard

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Therapist in the Wildcard, the show about grief, mental health, and all the messy stuff in between. One of us helps people heal for a living, and the other probably needs more therapy. Together we keep it real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous. Welcome to the therapist in the wildcard. I'm Vitt, certified grief coach, psychology student, widow and wildcard. And I'm Jen, the therapist that keeps her in check.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Which you already know. Today's topic. I don't even know how to describe it. What's it like being a widow when you're nobody's number one anymore? How do you f I don't know how to say that? Yeah. Just roll with it. I don't know. You're nobody's emergency contact.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

You're my emergency contact. No, I know. I'll never forget the first time I was in the hospital and they were going through my information. And they were like, Christian, still your emergency contact. I start crying, crying, and I'm like, no, and I'm like, I'm okay. And he's like, the guy is just like, what the fuck is happening? And I was like, he's dead. It's okay. It's okay. Like, he's probably like, what the fuck? Whoops. Anyways, that was fun. Okay, so I don't even know how to like. So when you're a when you become a widow, you're no one's priority anymore. Your your person is gone. And it sucks. And then you end up being the third, the fifth.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

Uninvited.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Yeah. Right? Like, well, people don't want to invite you. Play like they don't want you to feel left out. Right. So they don't invite you at all. Right. Because they're like, oh, it's gonna be a bunch of couples, da da da da da. And then you're like, well, damn. It's like it's not my fault, my guy's dead. Right. Yeah, why were you being punished? But then I also get it. And like, well, I know you had even told me at one point that same thing. Because you were like, I had thought about inviting you, but I didn't want you to like be odd man out. Odd man out. But it is what it is. Right. You can't change it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

So how do you handle it? Do you ever feel so let's just say you get invited out with another couple or two couples in you? Do you agree to go in the beginning and then feel awkward the day of? Or like are you okay now after it's been over a year? I don't know if I've ever been invited out with couples. Wow.

unknown 2:56

You've gone out love.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Couples. We need to invite her out. Where? Uh no. Nope. Jen and I have only been seen in public one time.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

Oh yeah, with Maven, Georgia.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Yeah. Um, the first time I think it got brought up was I was in Mexico with Kenisha and Mark, and then Candy and her husband, Larry. Yep. Um, and they each have a kid, and the kids were there. And the kids were like, they're older. Yeah. Not like teenage older, but whatever. And Candy and I were walking somewhere, and she had just like, she was like, How are you feeling? She goes, I know like you're the only one without a partner here.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

And like Well this was your first trip, right? Without him?

SPEAKER_01 3:46

Yeah, this was like a month after he died. That's what I thought, yeah. Um, right? September, yeah. November, two months. Two months. Um none of them made me feel awkward or out of place. Right. But like there is just this realization of like, oh, everyone has their partner here. Right. And then, like, you know, am I bombarding if they're like, hey, do you want to come to dinner with us? And it's just the two of them, like, right. So it's like there's this weird like, are they inviting me to dinner because they feel because they feel like they have to, or because they actually want me there? Yeah. Um, so then it's like I never know what to do or what to say, or it's just yeah, but other than I like, I don't think I've been invited out with any couples.

SPEAKER_02 4:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

Yeah. Because even with Kenesha and Mark, like Brooklyn's always there, so we we just do like family things. Did you and Chris go out with other couples though?

SPEAKER_02 5:03

No, we didn't go out with people, so it's not like you were necessarily hanging out with couples consistently, like beforehand, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

But I guess that's a question maybe for the widows in your grief group, right? Is like, were you going out with couples before and then you just stopped going out with couples?

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Or I feel like before Chris, I was with couples a lot because I was still single before him.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

Okay, and that was fine, right?

SPEAKER_01 5:32

That was comfortable. Yeah, but now it's weird. Because you you had a person. But I don't I don't know if it's weird for me or for the other people, because like where the fuck they at? Why why am I not invited? Fair enough.

SPEAKER_02 5:46

Well, and you came over to our house one time and it was all couples and you. It was only what two other couples? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

How was that? That was I didn't feel awkward or out of place. Right.

SPEAKER_02 6:03

Yeah, and you've come over a couple times when there've been other couples and it's been yeah, it's been fine.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

Yeah. Well, maybe it depends on who it is, like, and I think it depends on the setting as well. Like, right. If you're going out to dinner with couples, are you at five, please? Are you seven? Like well, whenever I'm with Kenisha and Mark, like even if Brooklyn is there, I'm like, I'm the third wheel. Um, so yeah, I don't know. It's just I don't know. Do you want to be invited out by couples more often? Who doesn't want to be invited to things? Yeah, you're right. Like, it always feels nice to be included in things. But then I never want, but then in my head, I'm like, is this like a sympathy invite?

SPEAKER_02 6:53

You're always second guessing people's uh reasons for invitations. Because I don't think people actually like me. I don't. Vote of confidence. If you like Vit, like the video, okay? I just there's times where I think you don't like me.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

When I respond with one-word answers in text messages, dude, the thumbs up gets me every time. You're welcome. I think you do it on purpose now.

SPEAKER_02 7:21

Sometimes I do, not often. That's fucked up. But I will usually like follow it up with something. That's fucked up. You've done worse.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

The wild card. You should expect that.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

That's my role.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

But what were we talking about?

SPEAKER_02 7:38

You are so all over the place today. Yeah, we're not talking about widows being the software. But like, what were we saying like right before that sentence? You're saying that you're questioning why people invite you because people don't like you.

SPEAKER_01 7:50

Why do I think that? I know that's a whole nother topic, but like insecure. In in wow. Insecure, low self-confidence. But you say the opposite on another episode that we've had. You're a confident person.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

You just second guess things. And it's not, I don't think it's you just second guess like why people are inviting you. You second guess a lot of things. Some childhood trauma. You also are not a very decisive person. Oh. You need people to make decisions for you. Yes. Please. So like you challenge some things that happen in your life. Like, interesting.

SPEAKER_01 8:34

Your socks are cute. Thank you. What brand are those? Uh Balega, I think.

unknown 8:39

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Hey Pitt. I think you're a confident person with people you don't necessarily know, but when it comes to people that you care about and want to be a part of, you lose some of that confidence because you're afraid of losing them.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

Damn. Who's the therapist in the room? I trained him well. Trained us crazy. I've taught him well. Okay, I can see that.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

I mean, you've lost a lot of people over time.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

People suck. Yeah, I don't like getting close to people either.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

It takes me a hot ass minute because Well, it's also almost a foreign thing, too, because you didn't grow up like that. Just saying.

unknown 9:34

Interesting.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

Would you like to go deeper into that? Nope, not today. We'll save that for a whole nother episode. Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

So, what have people talked about in Grief Group that about being a widow? How it just sucks. Like you're no one's priority. Yeah. Like, and then even within your friends, and I know you and I have talked about this, but they've also talked about it in Grief Group. Like, most of my friends have a partner, whether it's a husband or a boyfriend or whatever. Right. So, and it's even like there's those stupid, like I used to text Chris, like just stupid shit throughout the day. Like, you know, whatever. And we don't have that anymore. Yeah. And when your friends are married or with somebody, it's not how I don't even know how to describe it. So hold on. Like, even with just friends, like you don't you have Steve to tell all those little stupid daily little things to. You don't need to send them to me. You have him. But you have nobody to send them to me. My guy's gone. So then, like, even if I send them to you or another friend, it's like not reciprocated. Right. Is that is that how you say that word?

unknown 11:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

So then it feels like the friendship is uneven. Like, I go to you for fucking everything. Like you're my man.

unknown 11:31

Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

But like you don't need to do that. Right. With me. You have him. So it's just, it's things just feel uneven. You know what I mean? So how do you deal with that? You don't. You fucking sit there, you overthink everything. You're like, oh my god, am I bothering her again? Is she sticking my bullshit? I mean, that's just I only got a thumbs up. That's how I deal with it. Yeah. So it sucks. Yeah. And like you're no one's the world's coming to an end. No one cares about you. Like, you've got each other. Like, everyone has their partners. They're okay.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

So is it different if you have a strong family relationship?

unknown 12:22

What's that like?

SPEAKER_02 12:23

You asking me because I don't know. Well, and so I don't know. I'm just kind of, I guess, thinking out loud is like, would it be different if there was a stronger family system around? I don't think so. Because right now you don't spend a lot of time with your family. But if things were better with your family, would that fill some of the void?

SPEAKER_01 12:51

It's not the same, but. Because you still don't have your person. Which is true. Marilyn still has Anthony. Anthony has Marilyn. Like, my mom and dad are a whole other subject, but I don't I don't think I don't know. I don't know either.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

But could talk. You know what I mean? Like I'm just putting it out there. Like, if is it easier for people who have more single friends or a stronger family system? Or right.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

Do I have any single friends?

SPEAKER_02 13:32

Kara? Vanna?

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Okay. I have a couple. A couple, but yeah, I mean you're also not hanging out with them regularly either. Yeah. Is it easier if you had a friend group when he passed and you guys were the only married couple? Would that be easier? There's so many different dynamics at play that could impact the awkwardness of being the third, fifth, seventh. I had to think about that. Caught on. Yeah, you're right. I didn't think about that. Well, and that's too why I tell people go get involved. Go go meet people. Go try pickleball, join a gym, like do something social. Because you gotta meet people. Pickleball's popular now.

SPEAKER_01 14:25

People love them some pickleball. I mean, I guess that's maybe I need to join like just a widow's group.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

Maybe. I mean, like it would be interesting, the dynamics of like a widows group versus like just a grief group.

SPEAKER_01 14:44

And I've thought about doing just like a widows group because it the dynamics are different when the person that you lost is from your everyday life. Um, like we have one person who her parents had passed, but she still lived with them. So it was still a significant yeah, her day-to-day routine. Like her day-to-day stuff was with that circled around her parents. Right. Because she lived with them. So that's different than, you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

Well, and there are a lot of, you know, specialized groups out there for survivors of suicide, survivors of homicide, you know, um, for kids who lost a parent. Like, and sometimes it's nice to know that you're not alone when you experience something like that, right? You want people to understand a little bit more of the deeper level of what you're dealing with, you know what I mean? Because a homicide is a homicide, but there's so much more to it. Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Got deep with the homicide. Homicide. Suicide.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

What's that? Going, going, okay. So maybe a widow's group will be good. You should just attend a couple random ones and see see what it's about.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

I don't want to attend them. I want to run them.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

I like to be in charge. Well aware. But you don't like making decisions.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

But I can.

SPEAKER_02 16:36

I make decisions. Fully capable of it.

SPEAKER_01 16:41

But sometimes I just need some help. My my partner is gone, okay. I told you you're like the fill-in husband.

SPEAKER_02 16:49

So wait, did Chris make all your decisions for you before? No, I ran shit. But it's harder now to make decisions, huh? Yes. I think we talked about that on a previous episode too, but like just the dynamics are different.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

But it's like a clinically proven grief thing. Which is crazy. Wild. This is really getting flat.

SPEAKER_02 17:17

Alright, anything else you want to add to this episode? Or I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

Do you have anything? No? No, I think we touched all of it. You made some good points though that I haven't thought of, but that's probably because I'm just stuck in my brain. Because you're the widow? The wild card.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

Psychology student. Grief coach. I was like, what, two, three, four, what's the fourth one? I couldn't think either.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

I was like, what the fuck? I was like, oh, she comes up with it. Thanks. Thanks. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_02 17:50

I can you can do the thing. Do the things. Alright, well then I guess that's a wrap for now. If you like Vit, like the video.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

No, don't, because then if it doesn't get any likes, I'm gonna be like, no one fucking likes me. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Ballad. What is wrong with me? That's a wrap for the therapist and the wild card. One of us brings the therapy, and the other brings the chaos. Together, we'll be back with more laughter, healing, and everything in between.