Episode 27 - Can Someone Just Decide for Me?

Have you ever spent 20 minutes deciding what to order for dinner, only to end up with the same thing you always get? In this episode, Jen and Vit talk about why decision-making can feel so overwhelming, especially after grief, trauma, or major life changes. From everyday choices to life-altering decisions, we explore decision fatigue, fear of making the “wrong” choice, and the mental load that comes with carrying too much for too long. If you’ve ever wished someone else could just make the decision for you, this conversation is for you. Sometimes it’s not about being indecisive—sometimes you’re just exhausted. 

The Therapist & The Wildcard is a mental health podcast hosted by The Wildcard, alongside The Therapist, where real conversations meet professional insight—and nothing is off-limits. Together, they dive into therapy, grief, healing, relationships, emotional chaos, and the moments that make you laugh, cry, or ask, “Is this normal?”

Some episodes go deep. Some go sideways. Most do both. The Wildcard brings the unfiltered conversation, lived experience, and humor people are

usually afraid to say out loud, while The Therapist grounds the conversation with clinical knowledge, compassion, and perspective—without killing the vibe.

This podcast isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about talking through the mess, naming the hard stuff, and finding meaning (and humor) along the way. If you’ve ever laughed through pain, questioned your own reactions, or wanted therapy talk without the therapy voice—welcome. You’re in the right place.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61581431292635 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thetherapistandthewildcard TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thetherapistnthewildcard

The Therapist & The Wildcard is a mental health podcast hosted by The Wildcard, alongside The Therapist, where real conversations meet professional insight—and nothing is off-limits. Together, they dive into therapy, grief, healing, relationships, emotional chaos, and the moments that make you laugh, cry, or ask, “Is this normal?”

Some episodes go deep. Some go sideways. Most do both. The Wildcard brings the unfiltered conversation, lived experience, and humor people are

usually afraid to say out loud, while The Therapist grounds the conversation with clinical knowledge, compassion, and perspective—without killing the vibe.

This podcast isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about talking through the mess, naming the hard stuff, and finding meaning (and humor) along the way. If you’ve ever laughed through pain, questioned your own reactions, or wanted therapy talk without the therapy voice—welcome. You’re in the right place.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61581431292635 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thetherapistandthewildcard TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thetherapistnthewildcard

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Therapist in the Wildcard, the show about grief, mental health, and all the messy stuff in between. One of us helps people heal for a living, and the other probably needs more therapy. Together we keep it real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous. Welcome to the therapist in the wildcard. I'm Vit, certified grief coach, psychology student, widow and wildcard.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

I'm Jen, the therapist. Keeps her in check. She brings the issue, I bring the tissue. I need a new tagline. Yeah, we're gonna have to chat GPT. If you have some suggestions, put them in the comments. All right, today, Vit, we're gonna talk about decision making.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Oh, you did this on purpose. Sure did. Sure did.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

Okay. So think about current decisions and choices in your life. Yep. What sorts of decisions are the hardest to make? All of them. What's for dinner?

SPEAKER_00 1:07

I've had the same thing for dinner the last four nights. I rest my case. And now the people at the restaurant know my name. So I walk in, they're like, hey Vittoria! And I'm like, oh fuck me, dude.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Anyway. Okay, so what sorts of decisions are the hardest to make?

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Ones gonna have to do with me.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Was making the decision to do your bachelor's degree easy or difficult? Easy. Why? Because I wanted to do it. You wanted to do more than just be a nanny for the rest of your life.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Yeah. Okay. I've always wanted to go to school. But then I got into nannying. I didn't need to go to school. And then my husband died, and now that I'm getting older, I don't want to nanny forever. Forever. Like I've raised kids for 20-some years. Like I don't want to raise kids when I'm in my 50s and play on the floor and like. Yeah. Um, and with nannying, your job, you typically have to find a new family every few years, unless they want to keep you through um whatever, high school, middle school, but a lot of them, you know, once the kids are in kindergarten, you're done. Right. And I just wanted something more stable and to be able to help people. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

So that was an easier decision. Yeah. How about deciding to go to urgent care last week? Was that an easy decision? All the way a football decision.

SPEAKER_00 2:47

We're gonna narrow this shit down. That was a hard one. Why? I mean, it was easy to decide not to go after telling us you were going. I panicked.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

So, what was so difficult about that?

SPEAKER_00 3:02

I don't like going to the doctors alone, and then like it brings back memories of like when I had cancer and stuff, and then like Chris would be here telling me to go, and I just then they asked me who my fucking emergency contact is, and then I have to put Jen. It's just and then like what if they tell me something bad, then I have nobody there with me to like process with. Yeah, what the f yeah, I'm good. Yeah, like I don't know. I think I'm just like kind of scared of like the bad news, or like if they have to do something, I'm just like, I'm just here by myself.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

Well, I guess that brings up another thing, too, is like, okay, let's just say you had to have surgery. Who's taking you? You the fuck this is my point though, right? Is like who do you have that can step in and do the things that Chris did? Right? Not everybody has other people.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

I have nobody. You work. I mean, I'm sure if I hadn't needed a groundbreaking surgery, you'd figure it out, but like, right. There's nobody that I can just call in the middle of the day and be like, oh my god, blah blah blah. I need you to be here. Unless it was like a dire emergency.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

Okay, so that was a difficult decision and an easier decision. Right? Okay. Or any more that come to mind where you're like, No, but I'm sure you have a few. The decision to start dating. More curiosity than anything. Yeah. So it was an easy decision. Where are you going with this? I'm scared. I don't know. I'm just asking. Was it an easier decision or more difficult? I think it was you debated it for a short time because you were worried what other people were gonna think, but you still made the decision that you wanted to make.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Yeah, it was one of those, I don't know, it was like easy but hard at the same time. Right. Maybe an easy decision, but like the feelings behind it were hard. Were harder. Okay, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Okay, in what way has the death of your loved one led to the sorts of choices you're currently facing?

SPEAKER_00 5:32

So when it says choices you're currently facing, it makes it sound like they're bad things. Or are we going with positive and negative? Positive and negative.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

In what way has the death of your loved one led to the sorts of choices you're currently facing?

SPEAKER_00 5:50

Let's start with the positive because I can't think of a negative right now, but I'm sure you can. Okay. What you got for positive? I'm going to school. That's all I got. Okay. You know I don't do well about myself. I know.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

So if Chris were still alive, yes. Do you feel like at this point, at like the 29th point, you would have been married for four years? Four, four and a half years, something like that, right? Do you feel like you would still be going through the same motions of commuting to work together, going to your job, picking him up, going home, cleaning, showering, yeah, cooking, like would you be hanging out with other people outside of the house? No, I think you would still be in our little bubble. Right. So because he's not here, you have grown. I don't want to say like more independent, but like your choices have been around how you're going to survive without him and have a meaningful life. Life was meaningful before with him in it.

SPEAKER_00 7:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

But then the meaning changed when he died. Look at you. Well, because you wouldn't be debating about what classes to take and all the other stuff. You know what I mean? Like those wouldn't be changed. Well, things would be totally different. Right. You have to make choices now about finances and what to spend and what not to spend. To travel or not to travel, right? Like these are decisions that would have been easier before.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

The financing sucks. We were good.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

Things were going really well. We were good. Yeah. Okay. In what ways has the death of your loved one opened up your life to the possibility of change? Because you weren't open to that possibility in the beginning.

SPEAKER_00 7:55

No. And now I really do live by like YOLO. You only live once. So try new things, do new things. Like, I don't have somebody that I can fall back on anymore. Um, yeah. I wouldn't be going to school. I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be a grief coach because I wouldn't have had like were you afraid to do all these things when he was alive or after?

SPEAKER_01 8:27

After when you started making these decisions to go back to school to do a podcast to a grief coach.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

Like on a scale of one to ten. How afraid were you?

SPEAKER_00 8:42

I don't know if I was super afraid. I don't like change. No one usually does. Um, no, I really don't. We know. And it's just the unknown. Right. Like, but I still, like, even this past week panicked about the six classes for summer semester because I didn't know what that was gonna look like. Right. And then I mostly got through my first week and it was done in a couple of days, and I was like, I'm fine. So I don't know if I I don't know. There was a lot to it. Like, even for grief group, I was like, what if people don't show? Like, right, you were scared of failure, I think. Yeah, that's a big part of it. And then, like, you just said you don't want to tell anyone when your exam date is because the pressure is more. I was like, oh, I can't fuck this up. Like, I don't want to disappoint you. Like, fair enough. You know what I mean? Like, you were so involved and still are, yeah, that it's like, yeah. Like, I just don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to disappoint myself. I'm hard on myself. Yep. So, yeah. I think it was like a fear of disappointment. Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

Mixed with some excitement in there. Yes. You're excited to like do these new things, so yeah. Okay. Um, what sorts of things in your current life force or limit your ability to make decisions? Fear of failure.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Literally. I don't want to make the wrong. It's easier when someone else can just kind of decide for me because then I'm like, oh, nope, they told me to do it, I'll just do it. It's I overthink everything.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

You don't want to have to blame yourself if something goes wrong. It's easier to blame something external than internal. But I would never blame you for something either. No, but you'd say it. But you wouldn't actually blame me. Tell me I'm wrong. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

I would never blame you for something. I want to give you a little shit.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Correct. All right, what other things um in current life force or limit your ability to make decisions? My OCD. Yep. It's a little uh limiting. Just a tad. Okay. Um where do you see yourself in five years?

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Working for serenity. Okay. I like it. I like it. I like it. I love it. I want some more of it.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Nope.

unknown 11:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Keep going. You're doing great.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

I like these questions. They're making me think.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

That's part of the whole exercise. Decision making is tough. In general. Then you throw grief and OCD on it and you're like, I can't do this.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Just the other day, I don't know what it was. You and I were on the phone. We were well, we were texting about something. Yeah. And then I called you, and you literally answered the phone. I am not making this decision for you. I don't even remember what it was.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Oh, it was about the classes. I was like, no, like I literally broke it down by pros and cons and limitations.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

And you're like, Yeah, I was like, do I drop some and just do four for the summer, or do I do six? And like I'm trying to think everything out, and like literally going back and forth with you, probably for like an hour over text, and then yeah, that's literally how you answered the phone when I called you.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Because I knew what you were looking for. And me to make the decision.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

And I was like, Yes, you are.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

I I can give you my perspective and outline the pros and cons, but after that, man. You still made the decision. And you went with it. Yeah, I did. Because you thought it was a good decision.

unknown 13:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

If I had said drop the classes, would you have dropped them?

SPEAKER_00 13:18

Probably. Really? Yeah. Because I would have been like, if Jen thinks it's too much for me, it's too much.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Do you ask anybody else like to make decisions for you, or is it just me? Just you. You should be honored. I don't think I am. Well, you should be. It's good to know. Good to know.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

That means I respect you and your decisions and your thought process. I feel like you know me well enough to be able to make some of those harder decisions for or with me.

SPEAKER_01 13:51

Well, and I think part of it is your reluctance to make the decision because you don't want to make the wrong one. You're afraid to fail. Have you ever discussed this in like grief group like decision making? No. It'd be interesting to hear other people's. Yeah. Maybe I'll bring it up. I can feel us coming back to this topic.

SPEAKER_00 14:19

I think there's part of it in this book though that talks about like brain fog and like decisions. Right. Yeah, I think you're right. It's just so much. I have to decide things. Like what?

SPEAKER_01 14:33

Yeah. Was it easier to make decisions about his funeral?

SPEAKER_00 14:39

Oh. No. No, I'm glad his family was there for that actually, because shit. That's like that replays in my mind all the time. Like us just sitting around a table planning for his fucking funeral.

unknown 15:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

It's messy. Because he wouldn't have really wanted one. He thought funerals were weird. He was like, dude, they're fucking weird as fuck. You put a dead body in the front of the room and then people show up. He goes, people that literally haven't showed up for you in years. And I was like, you're not wrong. Um yeah, no, those decisions were hard. Yeah. Cause like I wanted to like honor him, but then honor, like, I don't think I would have done an open casket, but his family, because I've fucking seen the guy dead. But his family needed that closure too. Right. So then we only did it like open for us. Yeah. He wouldn't have wanted it open and for people to see him. He didn't even like when people saw him when he was fucking alive. Right. Let alone dead. Yeah. So, yeah.

unknown 16:00

There's that.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

I don't know how to do it.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Alright, any last words of wisdom?

SPEAKER_00 16:06

I got nothing. I guess that's a wrap. I got nothing. That's the wrap for the therapist and the wild card. One of us brings the therapy and the other brings the chaos. Together, we'll be back with more laughter, healing, and everything in between.