7. People Pleasing: How to Stop the Stress on Your Body and Be Present in This Moment

Have you heard someone refer to themselves as a people pleaser? They likely don't realize they are reinforcing this behavior by labeling themselves. I can deeply relate to this role of trying to avoid conflict. Do we really get to interact with the unique person when they are agreeing with everything and everyone around them? Are there people in your life that prefer others around them to stay in this role if their opinion is different than their own?

In this episode, I will give examples of people pleasing behavior and other choices that allow everyone to feel safe to have a different opinion, make our own choices and learn the lessons we are here to learn with grace for ourselves and others.

Disease is much more likely when there is constant stress and pressure. Only you can make better choices moving forward. You get to choose what people have the privilege of knowing, with what you choose to share and what type of relationship to have with others. If asking for advice, choose people with a history of integrity and an unbiased opinion in order to discern your next step.

Are you creating an example for your children that forgiveness is available and honoring better choices moving forward is possible? If each person in a relationship takes 100% responsibility, there isn't a victim. This concept allows each person to own their part leading up to, during and after a situation to move forward.

In This Episode:

-Notice patterns of consistently judging you from people and choose if you want to nurture a relationship or care for them from afar instead

-Safety, belonging and community we all crave, is possible with the choices you make

-Acknowledging 100% contribution of both people in a relationship to a situation eliminates one being a victim

-Everything is happening in this moment

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Transcript

Sarah Swift 0:11

In today's episode, I am going to be talking about people pleasing. This is such a popular topic and it's a label that I hear a lot of people call themselves. I am a people pleaser and it's really interesting because I think I could have claimed that for myself over the decades, but I can see where when people call themselves a people pleaser, they're staying in the role and that's really not the healthy approach to overcoming whatever it is that you're doing in order to get the positive attention you're craving by people pleasing. So I look at it like the effort of like holding a beach ball underwater, that takes so much effort and it's just going to keep popping up and popping up. So really understanding what is causing you to act in a way that's pleasing other people, rather than just being your true, authentic self and feeling safe to do so. I love this, I heard it on a song today by one of my daughter's favorite artists, and the quote was, "Let it be, then Let It Go by Zach Bryan." And I just thought that was so perfect because truly we're living in the moment now. So what happened in the past at this point, there's nothing we can do about it and worrying about the future, you know, we're, we can't control that either. So what others are choosing to say and do around us is not within our control. And so therefore, just being the most loving people that we can be here and now in this moment is really just such a gift to everybody around us. And if we're suppressing our desires or our own feelings in order to make other people feel more comfortable on a regular basis, how is that serving anyone? It's, it's truly not because you're just living in a role at that point, and if you're really living out your best feelings, desires, and how you want to communicate with others. It is a gift because you're being yourself and that's what we're all called here to do. I think that the other thing was so interesting is this week I was reading a book and the theory in the book was that in a relationship it's a hundred percent both people's fault, and I love that. I, I thought that was just so interesting because if you take a hundred percent responsibility for your actions and experiences, you're not a victim like you are taking a hundred percent responsibility. And then the other person in the relationship, they can do the same. So it's not divided. So it's not like one person has 80%, the other person has 20% or whatever the division may be, which leaves one person in the victim role. So I thought that was super interesting. It really landed for me. And the other thing I just wanted to mention before we dive into the episode is for those of us that are celebrating Lent this week, tomorrow is Good Friday. And I just think about what Jesus did for all of us and what a great gift. I mean, we are here for as long as we're here on this earth, living in experience in the moment We're living right now. Right now is what is happening, and he sacrificed so much so that we could forgive and give compassion and grace to others and we should receive that back from others. And when we don't, then I guess that's when you decide what kind of relationship, if any, you want to have. But just know that people pleasing is not going to be the answer. So I hope you enjoy the episode and really get something out of it. And moving forward into this beautiful celebration of Easter this weekend, can really enjoy the gifts that we've been given and have such a positive outlook in the spring ahead. Today we're going to talk about the stress on the body from people pleasing. I'm going to give you examples of how you allow it, what is actually healthy, signs that you're people pleasing and solutions. So let's dive in. We're going to start with examples that you allow, and I just want to say that when you're stressed all the time, which I was for most of my life, your body can't heal properly and you do have a higher chance of disease. I actually found out about my autoimmune disease in my twenties already, and it really isn't a surprise because I knew I was stressed all the time, and that continued on for several more decades, and the people that were actually closest to me that cared about me deeply. They knew it and they would talk about it. So let's give you some examples so that you can move on to the healthy choices and we can stop this pattern that's affecting health because we don't want that ripple effect. So when people talk over you or they interrupt you in the middle of a conversation, or maybe they're scanning the room when you're talking to them. If you are allowing this repeatedly with that person, you're people pleasing. If they say something that's intentionally diminishing to you or in front of you to others, that's definitely people pleasing, if you are not going to ask them why they would say that or if they're intentionally trying to hurt you. Just allowing that behavior to happen is so not authentic to caring for yourself that if you allow it, and I have done that just because it felt so uncomfortable, and I notice it, and I allowed the behavior to happen. And now looking back, I, I know it's about her and her insecurity, but at what point are we going to not allow behavior like that to continue without questioning it? Also, when others make everything about them, this is such a common one, and certain people just really have this unhealthy pattern. I think most of the time they probably don't even know it. And if it's someone close to you, a relative, a coworker, a girlfriend, whatever it may be, if there's a pattern when they make everything about them, every story kind of circles back to them, depending upon what kind of relationships that you want to have moving forward, that might be something that you want to address with them, or maybe you're going to move them to your outer circle. But I definitely wouldn't continue to listen to a story any longer from someone that repeatedly makes everything about them when I am trying to give my point of view or tell my story. I am, I am just not interested anymore, so that one-sided relationship is people pleasing for sure when you allow that to continuously happen with somebody. Very different than when somebody needs an ear because they've had a really extremely hard day or a loss. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about this is the behavior pattern of somebody. Another behavior pattern. If you allow it, you're people pleasing, if you notice that there are people in your lives that only acknowledge you when you're performing or agreeing with them, so it's not even safe to be yourself. And they don't tend to ask about you, and if they don't like the answer when they do ask about you and you answer, then it's really obvious that if you're not being authentic to yourself, your people pleasing in these situations. I call it the privilege of knowing. Honestly, sometimes people just want to know about you and they want to know about everybody likely, and that's their personality. And so you have to ask yourself when you're allowing these things to happen, do they have the privilege of knowing? What are they going to do with that information? What's even the point of sharing. So think about that, the next time you give somebody the privilege of knowing something about yourself, especially if you have that feeling that it's just to know versus they really care. I'm going to give you some examples now of healthy relationships that are reciprocal and when you're in these kind of relationships, you're not just people pleasing. So when people are genuinely happy for you on a regular basis, when you try new things, you evolve, you mature, you have the courage to move in a different direction. And whether or not they understand it or would choose it themselves, they're happy for you and they encourage you to go in that direction because it's a healthy relationship and it's not about them. I know last year I lost 15 pounds. I wasn't even really trying, but I had a lot of things going on in my life and I was holding a lot of that energy. And throughout the year when I just used all the foundation tools that I've been working on for the last several years, I noticed that I was losing weight, but because I wasn't actually on the scale, I had a doctor appointment and the woman said to me, have you lost weight? And I said, yeah, I think I've, I've lost a little bit of weight. She said, you've lost 15 pounds in the last year. And that was a moment where I realized, yeah, you know what? I am aligned enough to hold capacity for really hard things, and I wasn't going to let them fester. I was going to work through them and I did. And that was one of the results and it was healthy. So I was really proud of myself, when I discovered that it was 15 pounds, that's a lot. Another example is that you can help with healthy debates with people and you feel safe. So again, we don't have to agree with everything that everyone around us believes. I mean, that would be a really uninteresting world if everybody had the same opinions about everything. Everybody looked the same, did the same things, but you can have healthy debates and it can still be respectful, and people don't have to always completely understand where you're coming from, but they can respectfully agree that you have different opinions, and that's okay. And that's a choice. And it doesn't mean that you can't have a relationship with that person just because you don't agree on a subject, but they genuinely care about you. That's, that's healthy. Again, I'm going to end with the healthy examples of when I feel like concern for me is coming from a genuine place. I feel like I can have conversations that go deeper. And I feel like even when somebody may have no understanding of what I'm going through or what I've chosen to do, it doesn't even matter just because it feels so safe and aligned and healthy to have conversations with those people. So moving on from those examples, we're going to talk about signs that you're people pleasing. These signs probably will resonate with you, maybe all of them, but when people make your choices about them, that's definitely a sign that you're people pleasing, if you're going to allow that to alter your feelings about your choice or maybe choose not to do it because you're worried about their reaction and you don't want to deal with that negativity. When you're expected to support others, where in reverse situations they wouldn't reciprocate the same way. So maybe if it was their family in the same exact situation. They wouldn't be as forgiving or accepting as you're expected to be, and they wouldn't share information and they demand it from you. Those are examples. And also in business, if they're not going to, for example, ask for your advice or change how they do things in their business, or take a pay cut in their line of work to support you on a regular basis, then when you flip the situation, you're expected to do something that they wouldn't do for you. Another sign is patterns of not supporting others, but they expect and demand it from you and from people around you that you know, and people know about this happening and it's just allowed. And they just say, well, that's just how so and so is. And when everybody keeps just allowing the pattern of these people not supporting, but expecting to be supported back, that's really enabling that behavior to continue and that's definitely not healthy. That's a sign of people pleasing when the rules change for certain people and they tend to demand blame others, but they won't acknowledge their part in a situation or even try to understand maybe where they went in a direction that wasn't in alignment. That's definitely a sign of people pleasing if you are just going to continue to accept that kind of behavior, and maybe even you've tried to explain and have conversations with these people and they still choose to act in that way, and that's not supporting you, so you have a choice at that point. You can take a pause or you can release them depending upon who it is and what the situation is. But we don't have to react and we don't have to accept these behavior patterns. So when you feel that ick feeling and everybody knows what that is, it's just like people make excuses, but they definitely notice something about that person often, everybody's people pleasing if they just keep accepting it. I've had several situations where, and this is again in all different aspects of my life, it's people wanting to know, but they don't want to be vulnerable or share it with me. And it's just interesting because is the knowing part feels like judgment and it feels very different. So you do have like that ick feeling and it doesn't feel like a mature conversation. So consider how your body actually reacts. Your body often tells you, and sometimes people are just being unsupportive and they're being inauthentic, and we choose to engage anyway. That's people pleasing, so hard conversations can be productive. They don't have to be reactive and most of them that I've actually had, the really hard conversations, and this is in all aspects of my life, they've gone really well. I've only had a very few not go well, and those really are interesting to me. They stand out because when I reflect, it's like their ego takes over and it's about them, and their own sense of self-worth. So I notice that, and I notice how, especially as I've worked on my own inner alignment, how I'm handling these situations instead of just going into people pleasing and allowing it. I only allow it to go on if I feel like there's going to be a healthy solution. I've allowed so many things to go on my entire life that have been detrimental to my mental and physical health, that now that I see and feel how good alignment can be, I get to choose, and I make choices that contribute to a healthy lifestyle. And then there's a ripple effect that flows into those closest to me and into my workplace and interactions I have, even in the grocery store. Like if you're in a good place and you're feeling joy and healthy and happiness, you're just much more likely to do things authentically and not to people please. And people can feel that energy. It's just very obvious. It's this completely different feeling. I can have conversations now and these are solutions to the people pleasing and the conversations are productive in a healthy way, and I just don't want to engage with someone when I'm dealing with their ego. I see it and I know the ego just enhances itself and it keeps reacting and it likes conflict. It's not necessarily who the person is, and I realize that, but if there are people that tend to go into this mode and I have a choice not to interact with them, it doesn't even matter to me who that person is, I'm going to choose not to interact with that person. If they're just going to keep living in the ego mode and people come to different places in life where maybe they do evolve and maybe they do change, and I think that's great. I think it's an opportunity for everyone. It can happen at any time, at any age. So if it's something that something somebody has worked on and in the past, I just felt like it wasn't safe or aligned to continue that relationship. I'm open to, repairing it or maybe trying again, but I'm not gonna keep going back to that same pattern. It's not healthy, it doesn't feel good, and I just don't want any part of it. I noticed that I can actually go into integrity really quickly, and I've had a few really stressful situations in the last, I would say, like decade or so, and, and I think about these situations, I can even see how my integrity reacted and how much more calm I am, and that I was able to quickly go into integrity even when I messed up. So we all have said things or maybe commented or just didn't react in the best way possible in a situation. And I noticed that I have this ability to quickly change that, and I'm really proud of myself for that because I've just really been working on it and being around reactive people for so long in environments where it's normal and it's accepted, it's really easy to defend yourself in a manner that's not authentic to yourself. And I tend to talk calmly. I definitely don't raise my voice at people and yell at people. That's just not something I choose to do. Name calling. I've been on the other side of that. Specifically actually only one time that I ever know, that I've ever known about. And it was not, a good feeling, but it was definitely this person's reactivity and ego acting out, and it was days after a conversation had been had and a lot of explaining had been done in the conversation. And still even with calm over explaining we weren't getting to a point where this person could just finally accept that it's not even about them. I had chose to do something that was best for me and if they didn't like it, which they didn't, then it just wasn't, going to continue because the decision had been made. So what they were expecting was no longer going to happen. It just, it was so interesting to me because I had taken a break from engaging, I just really paused. I wasn't sure if I wanted to engage with this person again at all ,and so I was pausing and during that pause, the reactivity came back on their end and it really showed all the work that they needed to do on themself. I think sometimes looking in the mirror is really hard to do and I do have the ability to do that. And I definitely try to work on myself when I can do things differently, but I'm not going to have a conversation when somebody's in that mode. It's just, it's not. It's not productive. So also, another solution is that when we understand that things have a ripple effect on money, this is just so helpful and this is really where I, the big decisions that I've made in my personal life and in my business come from this place. Like I actually really realize the choices I make for my health, mental and physical, how that ripples into my children's lives, my life with my husband and close relatives and friends, and also into the experience that my customers have with me and my business. So I have a healthy structure now, and that means that everybody gets the best of me instead of the overstressed, depleted, people pleasing part of me. I want to just say that honoring my choices without judging or having people make it about them has been such an eye-opener. I can't believe the amount of people both in my business and in my personal life with some of the things that have occurred over the last several years. How many people are just truly wonderful and supportive, and I've seen so much of it and I'm so appreciative. It, it just really makes my heart full and I'm very lucky to have these type of people in my life. For sure. A little story that, Cathy Heller had shared about her life is, she has tried different things and evolved over the years and when she had decided that she was going to make a pretty big change, it was right for her and it was in alignment. And she's a very spiritual person as am I, she had her aunt actually take her aside and tell her how irresponsible it was and she should just have like a regular job and she shouldn't be pursuing this new career. It was so interesting because Cathy mentioned that it was her aunt that was so dysregulated because of her own lack of courage, and she put that onto Cathy and it makes complete sense to me. And hearing that story, I can see how that has happened many times in my life. And I've watched it with others as well, where people are just so reactive when someone chooses something for themselves because they don't have the courage to do it themselves, and they feel that sense of lack. And so then again, they're making it about them. And look at Cathy now, like she is so extremely successful and thriving, and she's being herself. She's not continuing in a job that she no longer liked. She had outgrown it and didn't want to do it anymore, and she's created this beautiful life for herself and her family. And had she listened to her aunt and stayed where it made her comfortable, instead of pursuing her own happiness, none of this would be the reality that it is today for her. So, other people that can give us the courage when it's hard and people are judging and not supportive because of their own lack. Solutions to that is, really ask yourself, are you in alignment with your decisions? Is it safe and okay to try things? Think about the integrity of the person judging you and when we're in doubt and you have a history of going to people with integrity for advice, that's really helpful. That's what I really started to do when I had hard situations. I would actually go to people that I could trust to give me honest advice, that wouldn't necessarily be biased or take my side or that would, you know, just berate the other person or situation to my favor. I knew that the people that I trusted to ask for advice could give me honest advice, and that was a maturity that I had developed, and it felt really good. I felt like I was directed in a way that I could honor, the decisions that I was making and how to move forward. So having people in your life that you can really trust that they're not doing it for their own gain, and they're not going to just side with you if they don't agree with you. Interestingly enough in these situations, and there were a few, personal and, business where I did this because it works and now I just really believe in it. It was a few people instead of just going to one person because I wanted to get a full idea of, you know, what I was going to do moving forward in my pause and not reactivity and the answers were also similar, and I felt like, wow, this is great because I can trust myself. This is where I was leaning anyway. But now I have the advice of these people that I really, admire and I can move forward and not second guess myself because I have opinions of others that help me have the courage to do what is hopefully the right situation. And so I think giving yourself the ability to re-pivot when that happens, that's self-honoring as well. So I'm going to end with my takeaways. Sometimes we just need to move people to our outer circle, meaning that like if we can't come to a resolution and we just notice patterns in people, and maybe we don't want to completely have them out of our lives, or it's not possible to have them out of our lives, we just move them to our outer circle. We don't share the same kind of information with them. We don't engage in certain conversations with them or maybe any at all. Maybe they're just in our outer circle and we care for them from afar. Sometimes that just is what is necessary. Another takeaway is I get to choose, and if I want to nurture a relationship or interact in one or not, or maybe it's just less, it is my choice. The last takeaway is that people that care about you are not people that are consistently judging you, but they support you and they're necessary in your life. They help you to create that sense of safety and community and part of belonging that we all crave and need. So I hope that this has been helpful. I hope that you'll start noticing the examples this week already of people pleasing, feel free to DM me and share some of your stories, and I hope moving forward that we are going to move into a healthier solution situation, and we're not going to let the people pleasing, keep stressing us out and affecting our health. Thank you so much for joining me today. If you found this episode helpful, please follow or subscribe to the Integrative Mother experience on Spotify, apple Podcast or wherever you listen, so you're notified about the new episodes coming up. Please also take the time to leave me a review. This really does help me. I would love to see your beautiful faces. If you want to take a screenshot of this episode, I would love it. Take me on Instagram or Facebook at time with Sarah Swift, period between the word time on Instagram, so then I can reshare your post. You can also start today by grabbing my free checklist and check out some of my favorite things on my website, the integrative mother experience.com. Until next time, my beautiful mamas, thank you so much.