Do Boundaries Protect Our Peace: Does Time Feel Different to Moms with More on Their Plate?

Have you heard the saying protect your peace? Is it really necessary to create boundaries to make this happen? What does time feel like for a mother with multiple children, clients and business roles versus one without as much on their plate? 

Do some people look for things to complain about because they don't have enough on their plate? Or maybe they are afraid to expand and evolve?

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Transcript

Sarah Swift 0:10

Welcome to the Integrative Mother Experience Podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Swift, wife for 27 years and mother of three teenagers. I want to have conversations about why so many mamas wearing multiple hats, working, serving others, or owning a business, especially in the beauty industry, feel like they need to choose between their work and their family. We'll also uncover common causes of overwhelm, lack of wellbeing and joy. I am here with over three decades of experience working in the beauty industry, owning several types of businesses starting in my twenties, and sharing stories to help other mothers avoid feeling that they're always missing out. Time is an asset we can't get back. I can't wait to dive into these deep conversations. I hope you will join me. Don't forget to check out my free checklist for joy and fulfillment on my website, the integrative mother experience.com, and join my free private community of mamas supporting each other. Welcome back, my beautiful mamas. Today's episode is going to be a good one. We're talking about whether or not we need boundaries to protect our peace and how time looks to some people that maybe don't have as full of a plate as others. So when we dive in, we're actually gonna talk about. What is the intention of the people that choose to take more on because they want impact, and why do they do this? It's so interesting. Margaret Richards refers to this as dancing on the skinny branches. I definitely look back and see, I've danced on the skinny branch so many times, so why do some people just default to negativity? Do they just not have enough on their plates or are they Maybe negative because they're unhappy'cause they're not trying new things and they're not evolving. So they're just looking for something to complain about or be negative about. And that just is affecting everybody around them because negativity really spreads and I'm here to spread joy. That's what I want for my life. That's what I'm here to help with all the moms that want more joy in their lives and want that to have a ripple effect onto their families. So we'll talk about more of this in the episode today, but I think it'll be really interesting and I want you to really think about like, are you allowing one person in your life, whether it's your personal life or your business life, to affect. How you feel and do you really need to put up big walls of boundaries? Or maybe that's just on them and, and maybe we're just gonna worry more about what we have control of, which is how we choose to perceive things. I have something super exciting coming up at the end of May, and I really want you all to be able to get the information on a timely basis. So if you haven't already signed up for my email list, go to my website. The integrative mother experience.com, and there is an area where you can put your name and email list and become part of my private mama's community and you'll get more information. So enjoy this episode. Okay. Today we're going to be talking about the word trust. We're also going to dive into what does it mean to protect your peace? Is it actually even necessary? And trusting yourself in the new season of being a mom. Let's dive in. So what does it mean to protect your peace? Does this mean that we're not responding to people or we're putting up really strict walls and boundaries to the point where we're not even willing to have conversations, or does it just mean that we have standards and there are certain ways that we are willing to interact with others and we want to feel good and taken care of before we start giving back to everybody around us. That's the interpretation that. I can relate to and it makes sense because you just can't give from an empty cup and you definitely need to put on your life jacket first. As we've all heard, when we've taken a flight and the flight attendant shows us the mask and shows us where your life jacket is under your seat, how can you possibly help somebody else if you can't even help yourself? It just makes complete sense. So the word trust in this example, for me, it's knowing that if I am at my very best and I'm able to help others, then I'm giving from a place of fullness and overflow, and it feels good to me and it feels good to others. As a mom, I know for my children, they can tell when I'm really overwhelmed and stressed and that energy, it's in the air and reactivity is a little bit higher during those times, for sure. It doesn't feel good, so it has this ripple effect that's not positive. And being able to discern when this happens and having a foundation where I can trust myself to know what I need to do. For me at this point, I've worked so hard on my foundation in the areas that I know work. If I haven't taken a walk yet, for sure, that's the first thing I'm going to do. I'm going to put my shoes on, grab the leash for Nora. We're going on a walk in nature. I'm going to reset. My husband has often asked me when he can tell, I am in a state of just overly stressed, overwhelm and reactivity. He will ask, have you taken a walk yet today? And the answer is definitely no almost every single time, because it doesn't happen as often anymore. I just, I really know what I need to do and my mornings start very slow and intentional. So that sets the stage every single day. And so things of course come up that's life and life owning businesses and all the responsibilities behind that. As well as having three children and a household and a dog to take care of. Things do happen, and I'm able to reset and figure out what needs to happen next to realign. So how is it different as a mom? Is your time spent differently? I would argue that it is. If anyone is saying that time is exactly the same for everyone. I would argue that some plates are fuller than others, so it's more of a feeling. There might be a sense of feeling that somebody with a plate that's not stacked really, really high like most moms are, especially moms that are business owners. The feeling of somebody that doesn't have a lot going on might still feel the same to them because they might feel like they have a lot to do. But the reality of what there actually physically is in front of you as a mom. With laundry, lunches to make, driving your children around, showing up for activities. Oftentimes there is a bigger stacked plate in front of you. And so how do you deal with that? What is the intention behind your day when you look at your schedule and you're like, I don't even know how I'm going to do this. Like, it's just not even physically possible to do all of these things and to do them well. So that's when trusting yourself to reset, step back and realign, and then move forward one step at a time. What is the most important thing I need to do right now? Not three hours from now, but what is the thing that I need to do right now? I also want to talk about how different it is when you're a mom and you have to trust yourself with decisions that you didn't have before. So for example, the cost of raising a family, especially a large family like mine, evolved into something I could have never imagined. And I was open to it because the desire was on my heart. And I trust God that this is here for a reason and that we'll figure it out. But I'm not saying that it's not difficult, and I'm not saying that we didn't have to make sacrifices because the cost of raising a large family is very different and decisions that needed to be made in order to make that happen in a way that was conducive to everybody. It was a learning experience for us and we pivoted along the way the best we could. Having two children was very, very different than one in in all the ways. In cost. In time, and honestly, just not even physically being able to always meet the demand of each of your children if you didn't have your partner around. And I remember one of my cousins that I loved so dearly, she also desired to have a large family, and we had this discussion about how two was from, going from two to three was the hardest. She went on to have a fourth, which we did not, but she was really right. Wow. Like each child that, you know, we brought into this world. It added something so wonderful and so different to our lifestyle, but going from two to three, that was something that I couldn't even explain to somebody just how different that was, and that's when things for me definitely started to become very, very overwhelming. It's not that I didn't have overwhelm before that, it's just that at that point. My husband and I were always outnumbered, and it was just such a learning experience in what we needed to do in order to be the best possible parents we could. In all the ways you go from having diapers and then childcare. Uh, for expenses and then the activities start and dance and sports definitely are a huge part of our lives, and they are so wonderful and I'm so glad that we chose to support that. But definitely the cost of that. And then private Christian school tuition was something that we chose when our children were very young, as a foundation, and then you move on to things like driver's ed, who would've known the cost of driver's ed. In my day in the nineties, it was included in our school curriculum and it's definitely not in our school system and in most now. So that was a shock. And then of course, just the insurance and upkeep of vehicles when your children are driving and now we're experiencing what it's like to have a child in college. So of course, that's. A whole new ball game. So the point being is trusting yourself that as you have these new responsibilities and choices, that you are able to figure out what's going to work best for you and your household and family moving forward. So elaborating a little bit more into the protect your peace. I think about honoring your decisions and choices. So if you make a decision, and it's just not always easy, it can be making a decision on a rule that you want to have a curfew or what you are or aren't going to allow for cell phone time for your children. Or it could be in your business if you decided that something isn't working anymore and you're just not going to continue down that path, or you're making a new policy because you've had too many experiences with things not being respectful. Those decisions aren't always easy, but on the flip side, when you make decisions that aren't easy, but they seem like they're really aligned. Sometimes we don't even know what the outcome is going to be until we have the courage to make the decision and try it. And maybe that means pivoting, and maybe it means that you trusted yourself and it was the best decision you could have possibly made in that given scenario. And what I have found that has happened is when I really trust myself and I discern and I make some of these really hard decisions and. I love it when everybody around me is happy, but sometimes the best thing I can do for those around me is make a decision that's going to be best for everyone. And then I'm allowing joy to enter because I am able to feel the joy and the positive effects of that decision for everybody as a whole is felt and. That's really hard to do. But as I mature and as I go further along this journey in life, especially being a mom, I've found that that's just part of it. Another thing that I've really embraced, and I've heard it before many times, but a good girlfriend of mine was discussing this within this last year and we were agreeing that it's one of our favorite terms. And it's the term I get to and I love it as well because I've thought about, since I've made all these really different pivots and decisions in my life and in my business in the last probably five or six years. Definitely in the last three or four have been where I evolved to the point where I am in a place that I love right now. And that took some experimentation, both as a mom and as a business owner. But now I get to say I get to feel good. I get to try things and play. I get to actually have fun. I wouldn't even allow these things before, like it just wasn't even part of what I thought was possible for myself. I would just go from one responsibility to the next and I definitely would not be described as somebody that was, trying new things and having fun often by those that know me best. Now I get to drive my kids to school. I don't have to miss their functions or choose between work and seeing a dance performance or a soccer game or whatever the activity may be. And I definitely don't have to miss family dinners. I get to, I get to be part of all of this. I get to choose to spend time with people that are kind. I get to choose not to spend time with people that are not kind and that don't treat me with the kind of respect that I know I deserve. So these are things that I really embrace when I think about the term I get to. I get to try things and then pivot when they don't work out. And I get to give myself grace when I make a decision that maybe wasn't the best decision. But I'm proud of myself for trying, and I get to choose as an entrepreneur what I want to do in my business. That's the whole point of being an entrepreneur. That is why I think from a very young age, I was so attracted to the idea and it was on my heart, and I started out that way, and then I pivoted to being an employee, which I had some really awesome. Owners, um, bosses, if you will, because they had different types of jobs, not just salon jobs, other jobs before that. And I did learn something from each. And yes, you know, everything wasn't perfect and never is. But I can look back and say that I learned so much from every experience and I really respect that maybe I wouldn't choose to do the things that some of my bosses chose. But I can honestly say going in that I knew that there was something about each of the places that I worked at that would be worth trying that experience. And some of them, you know, I didn't stay very long because it ended up not being what I wanted, but it's not like it wasn't worth trying, and it's not like I didn't learn something from it and appreciate the opportunity that I was given. I certainly did. The next thing I just want to say is it's okay to be human. I mean, honestly, people are so judgmental and we're all human. I mean, we're here having a human experience and that means that we have to try things and we're going to make mistakes. And I have learned that repetition is how I've gotten better at anything in life. My goodness. When I did my first haircut in beauty school, it was terrible. I wasn't good at it. It took repetition to get better. My first few podcasts, they're not going to be perfect. I'm learning. I'm trying something new, and I'm going out on a limb specifically to serve moms. I'm not doing this for everyone. I really in life like to focus on on serving a particular group of people, and that's how I work best. I'm not here to serve everyone. That's just not how God made me. I work better when I'm doing less in a better way. That's more aligned with my personality and my experience, and when I'm in flow. And I know that, and that's where I'm giving from. I'm giving from a place of overflow to the people that I want to serve, and that's okay. That's part of what I'm here to do. I also have standards of how I wanna be treated as we all should. We all should have standards, and that means not self-sabotaging. It means that when my children are pushing back. They know I have a standard and the first thing that I'm going to do is say, give me your phone. Done. That's where it's at. It works every single time. I definitely know that making myself smaller so somebody else can feel better or dimming my light and just again, so somebody else can take over. It's not something that I'm allowing anymore. I did that for way too long and I couldn't really truly be who I was and I was performing, and I don't want to do that. I know I am a genuinely kind person and I have really good intentions and being human. I definitely do make mistakes and if others need to be the loudest in the room or be right, then they can have that for themselves. But I'm not going to dim my light in order to make them feel better. I'm gonna go shine where I'm meant to shine, and that's okay. I don't need to fit into someone else's ideas for my life because we're all here with a different purpose. If we can stop judging each other and shoulding. We can trust ourselves that trying new things will bring to light what God actually wants for you. And you're not going to know if you just keep repeating the same thing over and over. And I know for me, I've seen the overall response when I've done things that are different and I've tried things that I really felt was worthwhile. The overall response was just so positive and it continues to be that way, and it's just so interesting because then the ripple effect is also positive and you're affecting more people in your personal, private life and family as well as in your business, given whatever the situation is because the overall ripple effect is positive. And you're not just bouncing back and forth between demands of people that don't have the insight, that it's not just about them. Like not everything is just about an individual. And when businesses make policies and pivots and try new things, that's okay. There's restaurants that completely change their menu. And in our small city, I hear about it and people complain. And it's really interesting because being a small business owner, I understand they might have a new chef that actually just wants to try new things and they'll figure it out. You know, either there's going to be clients that are going to come to the restaurant and they're going to the new menu, or maybe it'll be a flop and they're going to have to pivot. So trying new things. That's part of the creativity of being in the industry where you're serving and your creativity flows from trying new things. If we want to have standards, we can go to a fast food restaurant where we know this is what we're getting every time, and that's okay too because that works out perfect when you're just looking for something that's maybe not necessarily as costly. It's not an experience where you're being served and you just want something quick. There's a place for that for sure. In my experience with my business though, I found that I love the human connection and I love taking the time to have deep conversations, and then my creativity can flow because. I am actually able to pause and have plenty of time to do what I think is right for that person, and that feels really good to me. It feels really good to be able to trust myself that this is my gift and my gift isn't being a barber that's repeating the same three haircuts over and over again. There's a place for that and that's wonderful. And I'm so glad because that is not something that I'm good at. So if we moving on, I just want to say that if I'm not doing well as a mom, my kids can feel it. And if I'm not doing well as a business owner and a human being not feeling good mentally or physically, my clients feel it. If I'm not doing well, the ripple effect is my family and my friends will feel it. So trust yourself to know what you need. Use the tools and the actions there reset and realign. So if you don't have a foundation for this, this is where not adding more knowledge, not repeating the same things really comes into play. Maybe you need to build a stronger foundation and find different tools so that you can reset and realign. That is what I'm here for. That is what I'm here to help moms do. Are you able to reflect with compassion for yourself? Because my goodness, I think of like the crazy things as a mom that have happened over the years. When I was in overwhelm, and I can laugh about them now, and my kids can laugh about some of'em as well. Some of'em not so much. But if you can have compassion for yourself and know that you're in a better place, that's what matters is that you learn from those lessons. I can trust myself that now I find consistency and it feels aligned when I react out of integrity. I am able to calm down really quickly now, and I know that about myself because of course I'm human. And of course that happens, but I notice it. I notice that it comes really quickly, and I'm proud of myself for that because that's a muscle skillset that I've built. I'm also available to have conversations, but I'm not having conversations when people are raising their voices at me and making me repeat something over and over again, and they're just not absorbing it because they're in a place of reactivity. And then I'm pausing, like I'm not available for the conversation in that moment. I will have it later if they so want to, but I know now because I have matured and I have wisdom and I've learned from my mistakes and can call them lessons. So God is the cornerstone for me and the Holy Spirit guides me. I know that I'm unique and it's okay to embrace that it's okay to be me, and it's okay to trust that I am here as an individual and I have a unique purpose. I don't need to control everything around me anymore. I try doing that for most of my life, and I've released that. I can't control people's reactions. I can't control unforeseen events that happen. I can't control the weather, like I just, I don't need to control everything. And I really notice it about people that are in that mode needing to control and needing to fix everybody else and judging everybody else. And I see it for what it is. And I never liked that feeling when I was on the opposite end of it, where I felt like people were trying to control me. People are going to have negative opinions. That's just how it is. And people who will have negative reactions, they will be judgmental. But the important thing is are you able to pause? Are you able to say yes or no? My kids really respect when I actually just make a decision and this happened again recently. We were trying to discern whether or not to let one of our children go out in the cold weather by choice. It wasn't something that they needed to do and we paused and we talked about it and we said no and that was the end of it. There was no pushback. It just was what it was. And it's interesting because I've noticed this also in my business, people respect when you have standards and you say yes or no. And I've had it happen so many times in the last few years since I've really structured in a way that everybody knows what's going on. There's communication a lot. There's policies that they read before they become a client of mine. There's plenty of information on my websites. The conversation can be had if needed further, but I communicate, I do newsletters quarterly, and I put any kind of new information in those newsletters so that it's very clear. And if anybody has further questions, we discuss it when we're together and it just, it works so well because the standards are there. So people know, and I've even heard from people that have chosen to move on from my business because it's just not the right fit for them anymore. I'm not the right fit, they're not the right fit for me, whatever it may be. I've actually gotten so much positive feedback. It's so heartwarming. It's just, it's interesting because I think people respect the fact that they know what you're doing and even if they don't fully understand it or they wouldn't choose it, or it doesn't even maybe serve them so they don't quite understand it. It's very similar to a mom that wants to have a larger family. A lot of people don't understand that, and it's easy to judge. It's easy to judge having the choice of not having children, but is it someone else's choice what you do? My answer for that is, no, it's not. It's our individual, unique human experience that we're here to find out what works best for us, and if we're moms, we definitely have more people to think about than just ourselves. And just like those of us that are married, we're not just thinking about ourselves all the time. We do have to communicate with our spouse. Like it needs to happen if you're going to have a reciprocal relationship. So when things are difficult, I definitely notice afterwards, and here's my positive takeaway. I have a pattern of miracles that keep showing up. I'm leaving you with this positive statement because it's just continuing to happen and I can see it. It's not that I don't have negative or hard things in my life. I definitely do, and I've been through a lot as probably all of you have, but I have these miracles and they keep showing up and I notice them, and I'm so grateful. And I don't just pass it off as being nothing. I really appreciate it, and I know that in each new season there's new responsibilities, but there's also opportunities for different choices. So here's my takeaway for today. When we're trusting ourselves, and especially when we're trying new things in a season, like being a mom. We have choices that we can make and we can learn from trying new things and we can pivot when they don't work out, and that's okay. The Holy Spirit will guide us if we listen. If we pause instead of reacting, take some time to discern and hear what God's trying to tell you. And I'm going to leave you with the last thing, which is my new course is available. It is spirit led. It is here to help moms that want to have a foundation that is strong and they don't want to keep missing out with their children, and they don't want to keep feeling overwhelmed. And if you need more help in these areas, you can join me and we can go deeper together. Have a blessed day, mom. Thank you so much for joining me today. If you found this episode helpful, please follow or subscribe to the Integrative Mother experience on Spotify, apple Podcast or wherever you listen, so you're notified about the new episodes coming up. Please also take the time to leave me a review. This really does help me. I would love to see your beautiful faces. If you want to take a screenshot of this episode, I would love it. Take me on Instagram or Facebook at time with Sarah Swift, period between the word time on Instagram, so then I can reshare your post. You can also start today by grabbing my free checklist and check out some of my favorite things on my website, the integrative mother experience.com. Until next time, my beautiful mamas, thank you so much.