22. Knives, metal bars and learning to look over my shoulder

Growing up in London - I witnessed a lot of violence, and it's only when I moved away from the city that I realised how good life is when you're not constantly on guard.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I've been thinking a lot recently about how my life changed when I moved out of London to the swanky suburbs. Not that I live in the countryside at all, but I'm on the I'm on the border, you know, I'm just outside of London now, and there's all fields around and the vibe is so much different. I grew up in well, near Heathrow Airport basically, just on the outskirts of London. And when we moved out, it was a time where my eldest daughter had just been born. I was sort of freshly married, and we moved out, and instantly I was blown away by how nice everyone was. There's like less less anger and less violence when you move out of London. My whole childhood there was always violence around. There are always people, you know, if you walked into a pub, there would always be fights, there would always be glasses being thrown, and then when you walk down the street, or say when you're coming home from the pub, there would always be something kicking off that you had to avoid and walk around, and there was always the risk of I might get mugged, someone might try and try and take my wallet or my phone or my watch, that kind of thing. The amount of times I can remember coming home from the pub when I was about sort of 18 years old or 19, and then walking past people and then taking my watch off and like sticking it down my sock or something just because I didn't want to I didn't want them to see it and try and try and mug me or beat me up and mug me, or worse. I think it's it's got worse since I grew up I've grown up because now knife crying is like a huge thing. But when we moved out, suddenly everyone was nice, it's just like the vibe in the air. You know, when you're driving around, people let you go and they say thank you, and it's just so much nicer. As I was thinking about this, I remembered a time when I was about 11 years old, and I was I got beaten up over the park basically, and it's a bit of a long-winded story, but basically, I was over the park with two of my friends, um, one was a girl, one was a boy, and I was just I was going around on my bike, I had this new BMX, and we stopped on one side of the field, and the girl I was with asked if she could take the bike for a spin. So I jumped off, she jumped on, and she rode off around the park. And I was talking to my other friend, and I could see her flying around the park, and at the other end of the park, on the other side of the football pitch, I could see this group, this sort of gang, if you like, all standing round by the thing, and I was thinking, Oh no, they're gonna try and steal the bike or they're gonna do something to her as she goes past them. So I was watching them with a sort of beady eye just across the field, and my friend was talking to me, and the whole time I was like not focused on what he was saying because I was I was watching this bike, my bike going around the park, and sure enough, she stopped in front of them, and I could see there was some sort of not an argument, but there was something going on between them, and then she jumped off the bike, handed it over to this much older kid who I recognised straight away because he was like, I remember I don't know if I should say his name actually, all these years later, like 30 odd years later, and I'm still Oh, do I mention his name? What if he comes around my house? He was like the rough kid, the kid that was like he'd got in trouble for he got expelled from school because he stabbed someone with a pencil or something, and he'd I think he'd hit a teacher. It was this kid was like bad, bad, bad, and he came from a rough family. I won't say his name because I'm still a bit nervous that he might come around my house, find me, and beat me up. But he he jumped on my bike and off he went, and he went out the other gate at the other end of the park and disappeared. And I was thinking, no, I've lost my bike, and I was so angry with my friend who had jumped off the bike and given it to him. I was thinking, why didn't she just pedal away, like go, you know, across the grass or just get away from him? So I was watching him and I was like, Oh no, and I was saying to my other friend, he's stolen my bike, and that's it, I'm not gonna get that back. And then basically, about 10 minutes went by and he came back, and she got on the bike again and came back to me. And when she came back to me, I was relieved that my bike was in one piece, but I was also fuming. I was like, why did you get off the why did you give him the bike? I thought I was never gonna see it again. So that interaction happened, right? And then about a week later, I was over the park playing football with a friend of mine. Again, my bike was there on the floor next to us, and basically I didn't I didn't have a clue what was going on behind me. I was I was um standing with my back to this sort of tennis court kind of area with all broken glass, typical London tennis court, and next first thing I knew that there was anyone behind me was bang, straight in the back of my head, I got cracked with something, and I sort of fell to the floor, grabbing my head, and I stood up, turned around, and there were about 12 or 15 of these much older boys, and this kid that was on my bike the other day was standing there and he had a metal bar in his hand and he just whacked me over the head with it. So I'm laying on the floor, dazed, with blood coming out of my head, and then two more of them, another one that I knew was like a really bad kid from a bad family, and I knew that he was like a a karate champion or something, everyone knew that about him. Um, he he came over and started kicking me while I was on the floor, he'd like kicked me in the face, kicked me in the stomach, and I was trying to get up, and I've eventually I sort of scrambled over to my bike, jumped on my bike, and cycled off. My friend who I was playing football with was just standing there looking confused, and basically this boy, the one that hit me over the head with the bar, he he had been told that I'd said something about him when he stole my bike. My friend, who had the girl who had gone around on the bike, had spoken to him during the week, don't know when where, and she'd told him that I'd said something about him, so he'd come to exact his revenge because you know I'd said something about him and besmirched his name. So that happened, right? I remember going home feeling like I was about to I thought they were gonna follow me, so I was like, no, I was scared to get home because they were two of them were on bikes and they kind of went after me as I went off. Um and I got home, chucked my bike in the back garden, and I just I squirreled myself away, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just sort of hid away in my room. And then for from that moment onwards, for like the next year or so, every single time I went out of the house, down the road to the shops at the end of the street. This gang of these boys were there outside the shop, all in their Ben Sherman shirts, and they would like as soon as they saw me come in, they would like pop their chests out and they'd be they'd be storming towards me as if they were gonna come and kick the shit out of me again. So I was like scared to go out of the house for about a year after this. Bearing in mind I'd done nothing wrong. This was just a completely unprovoked attack, and there was no reason for them to want to beat me up. But this went on for ages, and I mean, fortunately I went to a different school to them, so I wasn't I actually had to travel like an hour across town to get to my school, whereas they were at the school that was right around the corner from my house. But this went on for ages. I was I would not go down the shops by myself, I didn't want to go over the park by myself because they're all there waiting for me. And since since you know I've grown up and moved out and I've got my own kids now, I'm so aware of that violence that's always was always there before and now it's not. Where we live now, the teenagers that I see walking around, they're not they're not um they're not violent, they don't have that air of violence around them. You know, I remember when I when we first moved into our house, I walked outside one day, and this group of teenagers walking down the street, and bear in mind I was like a fully grown man at this point. I still thought, oh, I hope they don't do something to my car as they walk past, or I hope I don't they don't give me any lip as they walk past. And I remember they were like, Oh morning, as they came past, and they were just friendly, and it blew my mind because I was like, oh man, I I'd sort of I'm so far removed from teenagers being just friendly and just saying hi, you know, and then oh do you mind if I sweep your driveway for you? Things like that. But that's that's the thing, isn't it? You move out of London, and now when I go back to London, like when I visit family and stuff, that same air of violence is always there, and you see when you get on the train, like we get on the Lizzie line now, because it's all posh and nice, um, but as you go into London, I feel like you can sense the air changes, the whole the whole environment changes as you the further you go into London, people start becoming angry and a bit more dirty, you know, throwing litter, snorting, the manners disappear. And as you get right into central London, again, you always have that thing of, oh I better watch out, I don't want to like wave my phone around in case someone comes and nicks it, or that kind of thing. So that's so I was thinking about this the other day about this story about me getting beaten up, and there was another time actually where I was probably about 15 or 16, and I was going through my my my grunge stage at that point, and um so I had a dentist appointment, and I got on the bus, went into town, and um I walked up the road to this dentist appointment, and as I was walking along, this Irish traveller sort of sidled up next to me, and he's walking along next to me, sort of almost touching shoulders with me, and he asked me where I was going, and I sort of I was aware of danger straight away, and he said, I said, Oh, I'm gonna go, I'm just off to the dentist, and he was like, Oh, do you want to come down this alleyway with me and we'll roll a joint together? And I was like, No, roll a joint with some of course I don't want to do that. And I sort of remember saying to him, No, no, you're alright, I'm just gonna I'm gonna go to my appointment. And I walked into the dentist, went up these stairs, sat in the waiting room, and then shortly after I sat down, I sort of checked in and sat down, he came up the stairs and sat down next to me, and I was like, Oh no. And I went into the dentist and he stayed in the waiting room, and I was hoping that when I came out he'd be gone, came out and he was still sitting there, and I in retrospect, I remember thinking I should have um I should have said something to the dentist, said this guy's followed me in here, but I didn't, I just left it. I was just young and stupid, I guess. And I remember coming out of the the doctor's uh wait the room into the waiting room, and as soon as I sort of said, I'll sort of pave my appointment and walked out, he's come out with me, and he's walking along next to me, and again he's asking me if I want to come and roll a joint with him in this alleyway. And I was thinking, I just want to get away from you, to be honest, I don't want to be anywhere near you. And we're walking down quite a busy high street, and as we're walking back to the bus stop, suddenly I feel something in my side, and he basically had a knife, and he had this knife out, and he had it kind of under his arm like that, and he had it pushed into my side, not stabbing me, but just like I could feel it against me, and he said, Um, we're just gonna go around here, and he kind of walked me around this corner into a park that was there, and the park was empty, there's no one in there, and there's a tennis court at the back of it. Walked me through the whole time holding this knife to me, and once we got into the tennis court, I was I was thinking, What where is this gonna how is this gonna end? Am I gonna get stabbed or is he just gonna rob me? What's gonna happen? And then suddenly he this knife was in full you know, right in front of me. Now I had it up against my stomach, and he asked me for my wallet, so I gave him my wallet, and I remember how it was horrible because he he was like thumbing through all my cards and things and throwing them on the floor one by one, and there was a picture that I had in there of my baby brother, which is like I love my little brother, and he just threw it on the floor, and I was the idea of him like touching my personal stuff and just launching it on the floor, it was like infuriating. Um and I said to him, I was like, There's no money in there, and he said, Well, then you're gonna give me your bank card and we'll walk to the cash point. I said, I'm not gonna do that, and then he held this knife up to my throat and he said, You're gonna give me all your fucking money, otherwise I'm gonna kill you. And um, I remember sort of there was a moment where I was like, I need to just run here, I need to get away from him, but he's gonna chase me and I'm in the middle of nowhere, no one's here, no one knows I'm here. So if he does stab me, that's it really. There's no he's he if he catches me, that's it. So there was a moment where he kind of he put the knife down to get something out of his pocket. I don't know what else he had, but he went to get something out of his pocket. I just punched him as hard as I could, bosh, straight in the face, and he kind of stumbled backwards into the fence, and I just ran past him out of the gate, sprinted off, and I ended up I ended up getting to the swimming pool, and I ran into the reception of the swimming pool, and I said to the woman behind the desk, I need your help, someone's chasing me, he's got a knife. And I looked around and he'd gone, he hadn't he wasn't behind me, he hadn't chased me, he'd just I don't know, he'd given up, I guess. So she called the police, and I remember she called this was before like mobile phones were a thing. I didn't have a way of contacting anyone. So she called the police and then she also called my granddad to come and pick me up. So he came and picked me up, and um we went home. I remember speaking to the police briefly and told them what had happened, um, and they just they said that they would be in contact. From that moment onwards, I was terrified, I was constantly worried about going down the town because I thought in my head I was thinking he's gonna if he sees me again, if he's down the town and he sees me again, he's gonna make a beeline for me, and that'll be it, you know, because anyway, so a few weeks after that I was um with a few friends at school, and this sort of group I was with, my friend group, they decided to go bowling um in the evening one day, and I remember getting on the bus with two of my friends arriving at the bowling alley, and there was a girl called Sam that I used to be sort of fairly good friends with, and as I walked into the bowling alley, I could see all of our friends over there at the lane sort of getting ready to bowl, and we were gonna go and join them. And as I walked over, I saw that same the guy with the knife, he was there chatting to my friend Sam, and I freaked out. I literally stopped on the spot, I turned around, walked out the out the bowling alley, straight on the bus, straight back home, and I remember just trying to work out how she would know him and why she would know, why she'd have anything to do with him, why he would be there bowling with my friends. He didn't even go to our school, he wasn't someone that we knew, he was a a traveller, I don't even know if he went to school, but there he was with my friends bowling, and oh yeah, so and then I remember shortly after that a police officer came around to our house and he had this like a folder with loads of pictures of people, and he was asking me if I could point out who if this guy with a knife was in this in this folder. Sure enough, there he was. I can remember his face now, like I could see him there. It was like it was like a mug shot they had of him, like an old-fashioned lineup shot. I said, There he is, and they basically said that he had been in trouble for lots of other things as well. Uh the most recent one was assault, and they said, Oh, are you are you happy to come to court and to basically give a give a statement and point him out in court? And I said no, and I my my parents were so disappointed in me, I think, because they they I think more so because I was wasting police time because they'd come around to the house with this folder and they they'd shown up and they were ready to utilise me in this um court case, and I'd said no, and I think I think I was just scared because I was thinking this guy has probably from what I've heard got like a lot of people behind him, like dangerous people. I don't want to get on the wrong side of them. I don't want people to be after me, even more so than they were might have been already because of this guy. So I said no, and I've always I've always had this this sort of feeling of what would have what would have happened if I did go to court and if I did do that. I don't know. I honestly don't know, but there are there are loads of things like that that happened when I was younger living in London, and I feel like that stuff just doesn't happen. You still have crime out where I live now, but not it's not always there, it's not something that's always present, always a threat. And I'm glad because I mean I don't want my kids to grow up in a world where or in an area where you know they have to fear for their life every time they go out of the house or they have to constantly be on guard. I think I probably do overreact. I probably I'm a bit more streetwise because I had to grow up around that stuff. There was like there was a pub down the end of my road um when I grew up, and all my friends used to go there, and it was like a bit like EastEnders, everyone knew everyone in this pub, and I'd go there every Friday, most Saturdays, and if there was any special events, I'd go there. Sometimes I'd watch the football there, and they used to used to play darts and pool there. Even when I was under eight, I remember being like 14 going down there, and the guy in the run the bar used to just serve us, this Irish guy, and um anyway. But going there, most weeks I would say at some point there was a fight, or there was someone that got dragged outside, beaten up. Sometimes there would be things like I remember one time I was sitting there outside with a couple of friends sitting on a bench, and this car screeched up, and all these guys, big guys, came running into the pub with baseball bats, and then the I remember the window being smashed, and we just had we just we just left, didn't wait around to see what was happening. But things like that were quite common. I remember as well there was a guy who um there was an argument going on at the bar between two people, and he just pulled out this massive knife and stuck it on the bar, and everyone else kind of went silent, and then again I left, so you know not I don't know what happened afterwards because I was gone, but yeah, things like that just don't happen where I live now. Maybe also I'm I'm you know grown up now, so I don't you would like to think that people after a certain point don't just resort to violence all the time, but I'm glad I'm not around that anymore because it's horrible to live constantly on edge or constantly waiting for something to happen or waiting to have to protect yourself or defend yourself or that sort of thing. Yeah, so that's definitely affected the way that I act when I'm out in public, and you know, like I spend a lot of time in central London now with work and with other things, and whenever I do go into central London, I'm constantly aware of my surroundings, I'm constantly watching who's around me, what they're doing. And I think when I go when I go into London with my two daughters, they're so young, and there are certain areas I just won't go to. Like I think both of my kids would love to go to Camden. Camden town's brilliant, there's so much cool stuff there. You can go and see all the live music. There's the I know the market, the old market's closed down now, but there's still all these cool shops and cool pubs, there's all these food places to eat there now. There's it's a big, they've got like a huge hub with all sorts of food from around the world, street food. They would love that, but I also think that if I go to Camden, I don't feel 100% confident in being able to keep them safe, so I just won't take them there. I mean, the last time I went to Camden, I stepped outside the station. Straight away, this guy came over to me and um asked me if I wanted to buy weed, and I was like, no, I'm right, thanks. And then he turned around and some guy just punched him in the face. Don't know what it was about, but I just don't want my kids around that. And I don't feel I don't I don't I don't feel like I could I could 100% be confident in keeping them safe. So I just won't go. It's a bit like um I also wouldn't walk them through a lion enclosure for the same reason because I I don't feel confident that I could keep them safe. It's weird, isn't it, that that's part of living near London that you have to be on edge about protecting yourself and protecting your family. I went out yesterday and bought myself a new toy. I say toy, more of a tool that's gonna propel my business, hopefully. But I went out and brought this camera, I'll show you that, and it's like a proper, nice camera. I've done loads of research, I've got a decent lens for it as well. But this is gonna be what I use for doing my spotlight days and for doing my photo shoots. I'm gonna do some portrait work and I'm gonna do some headshots, that kind of thing, and also for filming the podcast, this is what I will use uh for a more high-end picture now, and everything's gonna be a bit more high-end. Because at the minute I've got this um, I'm filming this on like a it's an Insta360 webcam and it's 4K, like it's good quality, but this is gonna be a different level, so it's really annoying actually because I bought this and then realised when I got it that the memory cards I have a shit, they're not gonna be good enough to use in this. I need something with a fast uh processing speed. So I've had to order two more memory cards today, which cost a fortune. Um, but that's this this is like this is what happens when you um when you start a business, right? You're gonna have right overheads, it's just part of the part of the experience. I'm also looking at actually hiring out a a studio space, like leasing one to myself. Um, and I'm going out this afternoon to view this place up the road from me, and this guy's gonna come and show me around. And I think if I did have my own studio space, I could use it for so much. Like I could do all my interviews in there, I could do my podcast in there, I could do my photo shoot sessions in there, I can create music in there. There's just so much I can do, and also it's a business address, so it might be also it's a little bolt hole, it's my own little space that I can be in. Because our house at the moment doesn't have like an office. I've got I've got an office space in the house, but it's not. It's not mine, it's just like a shared space, really. And I just want like a little area where I can go and do all my work, where I can get everything done, and I'm not going to be interrupted. I'm not going to be I'm not going to have anyone come in and take over the area because it's my space. So I'm going to look at that this afternoon, and that might be a game changer for me. I've always wanted to have my own office space. I've always wanted to have somewhere where I can go and just operate from, if that makes sense. So that's that's something that might be coming up in the near future. I've got a I've got to work out all of the um there's like a a six-month licence that this place operates on, so I need to find out what that includes because I don't know if there's maintenance fees for this building, that kind of thing. Um I know there's 24-7 access, it comes with Wi-Fi, and there's like a a well, it wasn't working when I went there the other day, but there's like a an intercom system which is really good. So yeah, that might be the next part of my evolution into business owner Dan. Because at the moment, like I'm I'm just an employee, and I'll I will continue to be an employee as well. But business owner Dan is gonna be a bit more cool, I think, a bit more exciting, and my life is gonna be a bit more frisky once I get that going, and also the the location where this office is, there is it's like a quaint village, there's no violence there at all, there's no dodgy people, it's clean, everything's kind of nice there. So that's gonna be a good place for me to set up shop, I think. And the other thing about this place is there's like a shit, there's common areas, so they have meeting rooms in there that you can use, or you can book them for included in your package. There's kitchen areas, toilets. It looks like quite a nice place, but this is my first ever time hiring or uh renting like an office space or a room like this, so it's all a bit new to me, and I don't like the idea that there are going to be rules and things that I don't yet understand that could be included in this. And luckily, I've got you know, my mum is very clued up on policy and anything related to housing, so I can I can run things past her, which is gonna be really useful because I don't want to have my trousers pulled down by this guy who's meeting me later on. He sounds like a nice guy when I'm spoke to him on the phone, but yeah, I don't know much about the actual leasing process and what it's gonna entail. I mean, I've obviously I've I've rented a house before and obviously owned a house as well, but renting an office, I don't know what is involved with that. So yeah, he's gonna explain this to me later on. But how nice would it be if I had my own space, my own little office, little corner tucked away, 24-7 access, and I can do all of my I can interview people there, I can get my clients to come there for um spotlight days, I can do photo shoots there, there's so much potential. Um, and I think you know that's the the idea is the rental that I would pay for there is gonna be offset by the money I make from actually running the business from there. So that's that's uh the plan, and also I can imagine my wife coming down and she'll probably level the place up because she's very good at that. Oh, my wife and the podcast um she agreed to do this podcast with me, and last yesterday was the day that we planned to set up our first episode, right? So she was at work during the day and I was off work, so I set up a little home studio, had the lighting right, I had microphones out, all the recording gear, the camera was set up, everything was like good to go, and the kids were at a school party. So my youngest daughter was at a party in her school, and my eldest was going to go to her school to help out, be one of the people that serves food and stuff. So we had like a couple of hours to ourselves, so we're like, get in, this would be the first podcast. And I was actually weirdly felt a bit nervous about doing it because me sitting there talking to a camera now, I could say whatever the hell I want this, you know, whether people want to listen to it or not, is one thing, another thing altogether. But sitting there with my wife, whose opinion I properly respect, I I felt I felt a bit nervous. So she came home from work and uh she didn't say anything about she walked in and saw that I'd set things up to go, didn't mention it at all though. And um I was playing it cool, like oh I'll put the kettle on, we'll have a cup of tea, and then we'll sit down and we'll just do it. So I was talking to her about her day, and then all of a sudden, my oldest daughter comes bowling in the house. Oh yeah, I've decided I'm not going to help out of the school now because I went there and it's just chaos, I don't really want to be there. So, in that instant, all of our plans went out the window. We no longer had the had the free window to do it, so I was a bit gutted, but such is life, eh? So I kind of slowly sloped off and put all of the stuff away like a wounded animal, and um yeah, we'll have to do it another day. I don't know how this is gonna work because if we're gonna do a regular weekly podcast, I don't really know if it's something we can do with the kids in the house. Because I mean it might get a bit sweary, I mean we don't swear in front of the kids ever, so you know we'd be like we'd have to restrict ourselves if the kids were in the house and the things we're talking about on it as well, we'd have to be a bit wary because you know there are certain things you don't really want to talk about in front of your kids, and also they could just run in the room and make a noise, and yeah, I don't know, and then and then also if if we sort of banish them to their room for an hour or whatever it is to do the podcast, I feel like it's a bit out of order to just go and go and be in your room for an hour so that we can do this thing. I don't know how it's gonna work out. Maybe if I had this office space we could go and do it there, but then we'd have to either find a childminder or do it in school hours. But my wife works in a school, so that wouldn't work. Yeah, I don't know. Is it all we do it maybe when they're in bed? But that's gonna be quite late. They go to bed a lot later now, they're older, so I don't know if that would work. Ugh, difficult to plan this really. But yeah, at some point we'll do it. I don't know when. I mean the kids are going away for a week uh next week, so maybe we'll have some free time then to do it, but maybe we could just batch record like 2020 episodes and then just like roll them out week after week or something like that. I don't know. No, but I'm looking forward to it because I feel like you know, when when I talk to my wife, we have some really good chats. We we're such good, we're so close with everything, and I think having a format where we sit in front of a camera and we have to record something, I feel like it will structure the conversation a bit more. So instead of just chatting and then intermittently doing other stuff, it'll be like a focused chat, which is always a good thing. I think that that could work out really well, and also like because you you know that it's gonna go out to people, you're gonna put it online for the for our friends and family and stuff to hear. I think it will have will be inspired to be a bit more interesting and to talk about things that are actually fun to listen to or interesting to listen to, so that would be a whole new thing in itself. Yeah, so I still have no idea if this podcast is going down well with people or not. I mean, I said the listeners are going up, downloads are going up, but when I first started it, people were contacting me and saying, Oh, I really love what you're doing with the podcast, and I got some feedback, whereas now I don't get any feedback, it's very rare. Every now and then someone will say, Oh, I listen to your pod, I really liked your episode this week. Sometimes people will say that to me, but of all these listeners I see on the on the stats for the podcast host, it just tells you a number and it tells you like some like there's people in America listening to this all over the world, and um, yeah, so I don't know. Out of some of them, I mean sometimes I can guess, I can go, okay, there are three listeners in this town, and I think, oh, I know who lives in that town, so I'm guessing it's them, but then also there'll be complete strangers, which is I'd like strangers to listen to this, so yeah, I don't know. It's just I it would be nice to have some kind of feedback to have from someone to say, Oh, I yeah, I really like this that you're doing with the podcast, or I don't like that that you're doing the put with the podcast. It's but yeah, but I don't know, maybe this is just the way it goes when you do stuff like this, you just don't get feedback even though you really want it. I don't know. And there are some there are some people like I have um there are some parents that I see on the school run every day, and I know they've listened to it because they've messaged me a few weeks ago, and I think they're continuing to listen to it, but I haven't spoken to them, so I don't know. They're just there's this thing where they kind of you know, if you've listened to someone doing a podcast and then you see them later on, I think I would be compelled to go over and be like, ah, yeah, your podcast is going well, or oh that's shit, and don't do any more of that. I just some kind of I want to I would want to talk to them about it, but no one's doing that, so that either means that this is going down like a lead balloon and and no one's enjoying it, or it just means that I'm just overthinking this and it's actually not a big deal. I'm not sure. But I feel like doing this, these solo episodes, it's it's so much harder to sit and just talk by yourself. Whereas when I have guests on everything is smoother because you're just bouncing off of each other and you can have a conversation and it just everything flows much nicer, and also you've got a whole nother person's perspective, it's not just coming from me. That's this is why I want to do the episode with my wife because I think she she will bring so much to the equation because she's um she's lovely, and you'll you'll you'll see this when she comes on, and I'm sure all of her friends as well will straight away be bigging her up and saying, Oh, you're amazing, she will get loads of feedback, and this is probably what's gonna happen is you know, I've I've spent two months now, two and a bit months, maybe three months, doing this podcast, and had very little feedback. But I guarantee we'll do one episode and she will get so much feedback, she'll have so many people telling her how wonderful she is. That just tends to be what happens uh with her and her friends, and then I'll feel bad because yeah, I will probably still get no feedback from people, but anyway, it's not a competition, it's uh a race to success or something like that. Hopefully, next week I'll be able to record an episode with my wife, and you'll get to see how awesome she is, and that maybe that will change the whole direction this podcast takes. Because part of me thinks that I should do my own separate podcast with her, you know, if it if it goes well and she enjoys it and it sort of goes down well, maybe we'll just do our own thing, a separate podcast, and I'll keep this as a separate thing altogether, or maybe she will just co-host with me on this from now on. It's gonna be tricky because I the I think the the guests that I want to get on I don't think are necessarily would go with the vibe of a podcast that I did with her. So I don't know, we'll find out. But um yeah, more is coming and hopefully next week there'll be actually a decent episode with her. Because I'll keep I keep promising that I'm gonna bring more guests on, but life has got busy and I've had to I've had to hold off a little bit with with reaching out to people recently because life has been so hectic. But I do want to get more guests on. There are people that have said to me they really want to come on to the podcast, interesting people, people that I think you would love to listen to. So yeah, that's that's coming, it's all gonna grow. And if I get this new office space, I'll have a dedicated space where I can just invite people around to record the episodes. Because I mean I I did go through a phase of um hiring out rooms in a hotel, like a meeting room, or like a I did a couple in um in a studio, a music studio up the road. And as much as I would love to keep going back there because I love just being in the studio, I can't keep spending you know six£30 an hour,£60 for two hours every single week to do that because this that soon adds up and you've got massive overheads then. So yeah, but maybe maybe the maybe this new office space is the way forwards, and that will all change. So, yeah, I'll say bye for now, and hopefully next week I'll see you with mimices. Bye for now.