Starting Anew: Embracing Online Dating After Divorce

In this episode, Kaley sits down with a newly divorced woman to talk about stepping back into the dating world: nerves, apps, awkward moments and many new experiences. From online dating profiles and first-date stories to meeting people beyond the apps, they explore what it really looks like to date again after divorce. An honest, hopeful conversation about vulnerability, self-love, and rediscovering connection in a new season.

Laura Brost is an Edina-based mom of three navigating life after divorce with honesty, humor, and openness. As she steps back into the dating world, Laura brings a real, relatable perspective on vulnerability, self-love, and rediscovering connection in a new season.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Hi, I am Kaylee and this is Reality Renewed. Today I have my very special guest, Laura, on. Hello, everyone. To have a very fun topic, which is all about embracing online dating after divorce, which is something that a lot of people don't want to talk about.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Fair.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Because they feel like it's being vulnerable and raw and hard to navigate. But when I knew I was putting together the podcast episodes and thinking about what I wanted to talk about, I knew that this was one I wanted to have. And you would be the perfect person for it because you have such a good outlook. Well, on life in general. You're just a very extremely positive, wonderful person. But also you're so real. And I knew you would just tell it like it is. And so I'm very thankful that you came on to this. I'm happy to be here. Thank you. Um, so Laura and I have been friends now.

unknown 1:21

Gosh.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

It's been a long time. Since our since my oldest in your middle, I think we're like two. Mm-hmm. And now they're ten. Now they're ten. Uh, and we ironically have the same wedding date. Same wedding year. Same wedding year. Exact same day. Yeah. And we didn't know each other then. We didn't know each other then. So that day I would say we're we're 0 for 2 on the day. We are. But now we get to celebrate together. We do. And someone else can take over that day. Yes. We won't say the day because we don't want people watching to be like, they might think it's jinxed to jinx. We don't need to do that for that. And it's not. We're two out of you know billions of people. But there's more. Still not a great day. But well, we have great kids. The kids that came out of the situation are wonderful. And that's that's what matters. So I know as we both went through this together, obviously there were a lot of emotions surrounding the divorce itself, right? And I felt that too. Like the grief around divorce and kind of losing that lifeline and our sort of what we what we consider that modern family, right? The American dream. The American dream. Yes. Uh, and I know for me, it was very daunting to get back into you know the dating world. Uh and just kind of figuring out, you almost figure out like what your non-negotiables are. Absolutely. And the next life or the next chapter. Yes. And it is kind of like a next life. Yeah. Yeah. And what you're looking for and what you're definitely not looking for. Yes. Um, but yeah, I would say like there's definitely sadness around it. I think so. I think that you know, when you get married, you don't go in assuming that you're gonna be divorced after any amount of time. You assume that this is gonna be your life. And so to come to that conclusion that you're ending your marriage is overwhelming, and you know, I'm very grateful that we were going through it at the same time so that we could, you know, help one another and lean on each other. But I think the the thing about like going on to the next chapter is I feel much better equipped for it because I'm older, which is not a bad thing. No, it's not a bad thing. No, and like still have energy, I have plenty of energy. And I think that just having that the experiences that I had, and when I was younger dating, all I wanted to do was get married.

unknown 4:15

Totally.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

I wanted to get married, I wanted to have babies. I had these like restrict time restrictions on myself that like, oh, by the time I'm 25, by the time I'm 30, by the time this, now I'm like, I don't want to get married again. I don't want to have any more children. This is just like I can figure out what I want and what works, what doesn't. And somebody who comes into my life is gonna have to be like a value add. Absolutely. It's gonna have to be something that, like, I'm perfectly fine hanging out by myself on a Friday night and having a couple glasses of wine. I sometimes I can't think of anything better. I'd love to have somebody join me in that, but it has to be just as fun as it would be if I was by myself. Right. And I think there needs to be a stigma away from like it's okay for women to hang out on a Friday night by themselves. By themselves. It doesn't mean you're a crazy cat lady and I don't have any cats. Yeah, exactly. Or like you're just like a hermit. It it doesn't mean any of that. It is okay and it's healthy just to like be able to have that solo time. Because if you think about it, we never really did. I mean, you you're with your partner, you get married, you have kids. It's like even to this day, I still have a kit at least one kid in my bed every night, unless when they go to their dads, it's different. So it's like, oh my, you don't realize like how much bigger your bed gets with. It is unbelievable they're not around. I'm like, I can just like there's two sides. Yes, exactly. I'm like, I'm just gonna do snow angels uh in my bed. But I would love to pick your brain on like your initial thoughts on dating, you know, after divorce and sort of the challenges you faced. Absolutely. I think first you bring up a really good point in that and something that when I first got on the dating scene, I was so shocked that other people that were in my situation didn't weren't on the dating scene. That they were these single women were content just being by themselves. And initially I was like, why? Why would you do that? That's so weird. And I think that's a big stigma that like 1000% people just don't understand why you would want to just be alone. And I think like, especially when you've just gotten out of a marriage that you needed to leave, right? It makes sense that you need to be alone for a little bit. Absolutely. So I think that like I almost went I went straight into dating, and then now I'm kind of like finding some room for like the kind of fine tuning the process, yes, and like finding where that balance is. Um, but that's it's funny that you brought that up because I do feel like that was something that right off the bat I was so judgy of some friends about that I'm like, why you've been you've been divorced longer than I have. Why aren't you dating? Right, right. And they're like, oh no, no, just wait, just wait, you'll get totally. But I think like dipping your toe into the dating scene is so uh overwhelming because I mean, I was with my ex for almost 20 years. Like, like I said, when we were getting together, when we were together, I was like, marriage, kids, you know, finishing college is where I was at in my life. There was no online dating. There was no the online dating thing to me just is I don't know, I would be like a nutcase. It's it's weird, it really is. But I'm sure there can also be fun. Like, I have a lot of girlfriends that met their husbands on it, and they're you know, like there is totally a place for it. I think there's definitely a place for it, especially like in a post-COVID era where like people don't do as many things like socially. You don't go to sit at a bar, or like maybe it's just living in the suburbs, like you just don't sit in the bar or sit somewhere and like meet people. Yeah, no, I think that's it's kind of what you have to do. Totally. And I mean, especially like you think about where you are all the time. Okay, I'm at my kids' school, I'm at my kids' sports, I'm at my kids' next activity. Exactly. I'm with the kids everywhere, and you know, unless I'm gonna meet some random single dad, there's not really any opportunity in my like day-to-day life. Well, it's like, oh, he looks cute. I'm like, I wonder what his ring up. I wonder what his stories. So, you know, it's like kind of your last option and really the only option. And I think it's kind of like a rite of passage at this point of like going into that next chapter of finding, I don't know, like, who are we gonna be in this next chapter? So it's interesting to say the least. I actually love it. Um and I think like because obviously there is that sigma around online dating, but like, how did you sort of just get past that to just be like, fuck it, I don't care? I think, well, first and foremost, I downloaded all the apps, and then I was your what was your first one to download? I downloaded Hinge because friends had told me that that one was a good one. Like Lee's creepers? Yes, and then I sat on it for probably two months before I like even because it was very overwhelming to like create a profile. You have to choose six pictures, you have to answer all these questions, you have to tell what you are interested in. Like, do I care if somebody's 20 years younger than me? Do I care if somebody's 20 years older than me? I'm not sure. I've never had those experiences before. So it was like I finally had a night where I had a bunch of girlfriends over and they were like, oh Laura, you have to just do this. And so they helped me set up my profile finally. And throughout the time I've been on this on hinge, like I've had girlfriends with me to like update my profile in different ways. And like, what's working, what's not? You've been a part of it. So it's like, I think, but that's like, I mean, talk about a barrier to entry. They're like, okay, here, give us a whole interview of your entire life story, is what it feels like. And you're like, I don't know. I don't know. And like, even just choosing six pictures. I'm like, is that is this what I really look like? Is does this make me look too fun? Does this make me look not fun enough? Totally. I mean, I really shouldn't care because the men post pictures of their like fish. Look at the fish. I remember when I was scrolling for you, I was shocked at the amount of men that posted pictures with cats. So many cats. And fish. Yes. It's like I saw one yesterday that was he had his whole line of must have been ducks or pheasant or something. Still, he had like mud on his face, a whole lineup of like dead blood. Like sexy mud, like navy seal sexy. I mean, if maybe if it was like zoomed in on him, and you got like that vibe, but you were really focused on the like 15 birds that were hanging, just like that just would not, that wouldn't do it for me. No, it really I it boggles me. I would love to listen to this podcast of like two guys going through this and like what goes through their mindset of like what do you put in your profile? Yes, let's definitely put the picture with the biggest fish. That's for sure gonna be the winner. She's gonna love that. Maybe it's like the well, or like my ex-wife hated when I went fishing, so my new wife needs to love it. Oh, and nobody will. I'm sure you found that too. Where I would imagine, like, you're on there and they say they're hobbies. It's like, yep, not gonna be a hunter wife. Nope. All of that show is great. That was a great show, but like not gonna be a hunting wife, not gonna be, you know, I mean, as I I said in a previous podcast, I just don't enjoy cooking. I don't like cooking, I don't want to be a cook, I don't, you know, I can make the basics for my kids, but that's just not something I enjoy. And so for me, it's like with this next chapter, I'm just like, I I don't cook, and I'm not going to cook. And you're not gonna pretend to like you cook. No, no, I think that's that's totally you can't show up and be like, oh, I love cooking and I love doing this, and then you actually meet the person and they're like, Oh, I don't cook either. And then you guys are just totally fucked, but then you're just like a Door Dash dream. Yeah, which is all it's great. I love DoorDash. So if I this is not sponsored by Door Dash, but I'm hoping I do enough of these and DoorDash will sponsor it. Uh but well, I mean you kind of I was I was gonna ask you about tips creating for an a great online profile, but you've kind of I mean, you've kind of already crushed that. The pictures. The pictures, the I mean, okay, this is what I was gonna say. I made a note about this, that I think, and this is really hard to do, is that what you need to do in this profile is really like self-reflect and be like, this is what I actually want, and not try to put somebody out there that's just trying to like catch a fish. No pun intended, but to really like get the right people interested. Right, absolutely to be your real self, and I think especially for women, that's really challenging because it's hard as as a mother and as a previous wife to like really turn that in on our like on ourselves and be like, this is who I am, especially in this stage of life when you're just like refiguring it out, anyways, who you are as an independent person slash single mom slash mom taxi.

unknown 14:08

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Unpaid Uber driver, the moober, that's what a friend calls it. The moober, the mom uber, 1000%. Well, and I think you bring up such an interesting point because in this chapter of our life, I think you do want to come being your most authentic self. Because if you aren't, you're not really gonna get that person that really knows who you are. And that's really what you want to be training is like, hey, you know, I I don't really need any of that bullshit at this point. Like, I don't want to get married again. I have my kids, like at this point, if you fit into my life and my lifestyle, great, but like this is the person I am, and sort of take it or leave it. And I think that's really empowering, especially for women who had this societal norm that we always had to sort of fit every box. You know, we had to be, we had to work hard, we had to be a great mom, we had to have dinner coming home, our kids had to be high achievers. You know, it's just it was just this laundry list of things. And I think it's really empowering when you get to a point where you're like, look, I know my kids are doing great because I know I have confidence in myself to know I'm a good mom. Yes. And now I'm in the stage of my life where if you can fit into my sort of little ecosystem, that's really into ecosystems now that I have a fish tank, you know. Super into well, the fish tank got bigger. Maybe I'm the fish person, I don't know. But you know, if you want to fit into my little ecosystem world, then these are honestly, these are my honest things that I feel, want, need. Yes. And if you align, great. But if not, no pressure. Exactly. No pressure, and there's that you don't the the ability and the strength to be like, okay, you're really hot and I really like hanging out with you, but like this isn't gonna work. Yeah. Because like I had one guy I was talking to that, like our kids were on completely opposite schedules, so like our parenting time was completely flipped. It was like we we both were like, this isn't gonna work. No, and we're like, have a nice, have a nice life, basically. Like, it would be fun to get to know you, but like, not a thing because And that is real. We can't do that. I'm not gonna like get a babysitter just to hang out with someone. No, to like go on a date. That's not, no, I'm not doing that. And also, you're not gonna start having your kids meet each other right away and be like, hey, I'm gonna let's start dating and let's have our kids hang out while we're dating. Not sure if I like you or not. Like, you don't want to go kind of down that road either. No, like here's your new brother. That'll go that would go over really well. Uh, okay, they go home to their dad. Dad, I met my new brother. Oh boy. That would be uh that would be that would be funny. Uh so I mean, just because we're here. We gotta talk about your best date and your worst date. Which would you like to go first? Um, my worst date is the better story. Um ironically, I have two pretty bad dates, but one just takes the cake. I think you know which one I'm talking about. I think I sure do. Um okay, so we'll go with worst first. So I'm seeing this guy for probably like six weeks at this point. Oh. It had been a while, and we had these like cute like day dates where we would go like meet for coffee or like go on walks. And very mature. I know, it was very nice. I mean, we'd end up like making out in like the parking lot, but that's still mature. So one night in particular, he was working, he worked in restaurants, and I was hanging out with a friend determined to hang out with him that night. So I was kind of like just basically waiting at the restaurant until he got off work, told him where to meet me, told him he should invite me over to his place, and he was like, Yeah, I think I should. And so he picks me up, and this is my not my, I guess not my first time seeing his car, but my first time being in his car. And I was like, hmm, okay. Odor, just interesting, okay, yeah, definitely an odor. Definitely, I mean, it was like an old car like serial killer odor, like he just buried a bed, dead body, or are we thinking like just not clean? Not clean. Okay, like you know the smell of like an inside of a hat. I sure do. It was like that, like mixed with like cigarette smoke. Which he was also a smoker, and I didn't know that. He didn't disclose that until this night. Okay, so let me just take so the car smelled like inside Inside Hat mixed with cigarette. Cigarette smoke. Okay. Yeah. So we're and at that point, you still were feeling like I was on a mission. Okay. So that is what I need to just keep saying. I was on a mission, so none of the red flags were red. They were just yellows, and I was just screaming right past him. So he drives me to his place, which ends up being a downstairs apartment. It wasn't like a basement apartment. It was a basement apartment. That was a nice way of saying basement apartment. A downstairs apartment, aka So you went a basement into the basement, and I'm pretty sure he was like the caretaker of the building. Well, that's that's that's I'm not sure. Um I mean he who knows. Okay. Well, that's kind of admirable. I'm not sure. So we walk into his. The things we tell ourselves to make the shelves feel weather. Red flags all over the place, but we're calling them yellows. So he opens the door, he's like, it's gonna be a little messy. I'm like, oh you know, I've got kids too, like, no big deal. This wasn't messy, this was dirty, filthy. Like, even with the lights off, I could tell that this place was just disgusting. Again, on a mission, on a one-track mind, straight to one place. So we go like to his bedroom, which was mildly cleaner than anywhere else in the like two-bedroom apartment. I think it was a two-bedroom. I didn't see another bedroom. Yeah, I took my coat. At that point, it probably didn't matter. It didn't matter. I took my coat off and I looked around for somewhere to set it. I ended up hanging it on the door because I didn't want it to touch the ground.

unknown 21:25

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 21:29

Oh my gosh. So I got what I came for. And I don't know, we like watched. Which was obviously to read a good story. It was like a good book. You wanted him to like you played card games. Uh huh. Yeah. Yep. And then he's like, I gotta get up early for work. And I was like, okay, so you want me to leave? He did take me home like a gentleman. In your I cannot imagine in your right mind, you would have wanted. To sleep there overnight. No, I did definitely did not want to sleep there, but also this was like pretty late at this point, and I was like, like, I live pretty far away from him. It just felt like a long way to go. And then honestly, at that point, I would have preferred an Uber home, but he's like, no, no, no, I'll take you. I'm gonna take you in that cigarette hat car. And he's like, I'll meet you outside. So I go into the bathroom. Not gonna lie, there are literal spiders. Not dead spiders, live spiders crawling around the bathroom. No. He has a daughter. His daughter lives in this apartment. It was so disgusting. Like the toilet was. I mean, you I don't even think you could open the door the whole way without or close it the whole way without hitting the toilet. It was bizarre. So I left there being like, well, I'm not gonna go back there again. Absolutely not. But I wasn't like totally done with him yet. Like that wasn't enough red, yellow, orange flags. So I kind of he must have been really nice. He was very nice. So I kind of like strung him along a little while longer, and we didn't see each other in and then he calls me like two weeks later, and he's like, Hey, have you like noticed anything in your hair? Like, what are you talking about? No. He's like, Well, you might want to get checked because me and my two kids and my ex have lice. I am dead. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Now, mind you, my kids all had lice the year before, and I was like, I am not doing that again. Could you imagine going home to my children and being like, we gotta all get checked for lice because mama had a sleepover? I go into the I have to go to the freaking lice lady get cheap. And she goes, Well, why do you think you got lice? And I go, Oh, I slept over at my friend's house in her daughter's bed. Like I felt like I needed to lie to the life lady. Yeah, I would too. And she looks at me and she goes, Oh, that happens. Oh, needless to say, I did not have lice, but that was the most disgusting thing I have ever experienced, and I never saw him again. It's gotta be one of the most epic, epic. So now we affectionately call him the lice guy. Oh my god. I mean oh god, but that it's just so good. And like you have to have some of those stories just to like laugh at the process. Because it's you can't make that up. Like and the books are the best thing is that like of all the things these calling, like, have I mean like I'm sure you're like I have like crabs, like something like chlamydia, I have gonorrhea, I have herpes, like I'm sure your list of all those things went through your head, and then you're like lice, fucking lice. And let me just tell you, all my kids had lice last year. I would take gonorrhea over lice. Give me a pill for something? Absolutely. You have to like strip the whole house, strip everyone. I mean, do I spent like a thousand dollars on having the lice lady come do all of our hair? Yep. Then you have to leave everything outside in the freezer, like outside where it's cold. I mean, and my parents were living in our house, like we were all living in the same house at this time, too. So I wouldn't have not only had to tell my children and my ex the reason that we needed to all get tested for lice, my parents too. They would have it would have been just a dream. Everybody would have loved it. Thank God. There was there was a God that day that did not give you. There was, and there was a God. Well, there is a God, and he also was just like, Laura, I'm gonna save you for this. No more basement apartments, even if he is the caretaker. Caretaker. That sounds terrible. Oh my gosh, that was that's hilarious. Okay. Uh the other one I have that just I'll say it real quick because I do feel like it's a lesson to learn. Okay. Um, I gave my number to a bartender because I thought he was cute, and so I was paying my tab, and I gave him my number. Well, have you ever heard of drunk goggles? Yeah, beer goggles. Beer goggles, yeah. Oh yeah. So I'm he texts me like that night or the next day, and we were like texting for a few days. He asks me to go to brunch with him because again, he's a bartender, so he works at night. Yeah. I was like, yeah, brunch sounds good. He shows up late. Like I was late, but then he was later. Oh, that's not cute. So that was first problem. Second problem, he walks in and I'm like, uh oh. Did you know it was him? I thought it was him. Like it, it was, but it was totally like what they show in the movies where you like think it's this like super hot guy the night of, and then he walks in and you're like, uh, well, he's tall. But then he had like the most intense Minnesota accent that I I couldn't even handle it. So my lesson to be learned is don't do a full meal on a first date. Oh that's way too long. Like, we could have met for drinks, we could have met for coffee. I'm sitting there being like, he went to the bathroom and I thought about leaving. Like, I which I probably should have, like, I'm never gonna see him again, but I felt bad. So that is a good point. It's like meet at a central location, do a quick thing. You can always stay longer, but you can't, it's harder to like leave than it is, it's harder to leave early than it is to stay longer. So you could you could go get drinks and then be like, oh my gosh, we're kicking it off. Like, let's let's stay for dinner. Not the other way around. Or you can do the hey, call me in five minutes. There's an emergency. Then you're like, hey, mm-hmm. I have to go. I'm so sorry. Bye. Gotta get out of there. So really it could work. So that was not not recommended. Not don't do brunch on first date. Okay, I love that. Okay, so what's been your best date? Um my best date was probably my first date with the guy we affectionately called the bear. Oh, the bear. He was so cute. R.I.P. I know. That's another lesson to be learned. But the first night, it we just like clicked right away. It was we just like met for drinks. I think I I texted you that night. He was like, he wants I was like, he wants me to meet him for a drink. Should I do it? And you were like, Yes, yes, absolutely. You were like, share your location with me and get over there. Yes. And it was just like so natural. I just was relaxed and we had a really great conversation. Um he ended, he like ended up driving me home, and I didn't, I was like, you can't come in. These men just love driving you home. They're just what you find these dapper drivers. Yet to find any sort of nice car, but it'll it'll get there. It'll get there. But it was just like, and it I think being that it was like my first time out there, it was just like, oh, what a refresher. It was so nice. Um but then after like the second or third date with him, I drank too much and came on way too strong. That one didn't work out. I think that is, but also it's like it was practice, like it's your first person dating, and it's like you had a lot of fun together, and then like you also are figuring out like what works and what doesn't, but also I'm sort of like there's gonna be that guy that likes that you come on really strong. Exactly. You know, like but that's where like I don't have to like try to be anybody that is not like if you want to have a couple glasses of wine and come on strong, like you're fun, you're hot. Like a guy should be like amazing. I'm sorry, that's just my philosophy. Well, and I think you're exactly right. Like, there's there's somebody for everyone. Absolutely. I do sometimes think back and be like, I wish I didn't, I wish he wouldn't have been my first one, because I do feel like we could have clicked a little better had I known a little bit more. But you know, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. It's meant to be, exactly. And I think it but in a way, like it maybe it was good that it was just for your first. Yeah. Because you was so nice and kind and you clicked, and so totally after that. I think you can kind of be like, okay, this was my first date. There's gonna be others out there. Exactly. I think you brought up a very important point though, sharing locations with a friend. Oh, totally, so necessary PSA. If you are going on a first date with someone you met online or even anywhere, even in real life, yeah, share your location with a friend, and make sure, yeah, make sure somebody also know, like, not only are you sharing their location, but like knows that you're doing that in that moment. Exactly. Because there's some weird people out there, and sometimes we just need to be rescued, let's be honest. Yeah, or I mean that too. So would you say there are other good avenues and good ways to meet people besides just the online dating? I think, well, per I don't have a ton of experience there because, like I said before, like I'm going to my kids' soccer, my kids flag football, my kids' school, and like that's pretty much where my time is. And so that's harder. Um, I think, and I also like I go to Pilates, that's all women, or maybe gay men. So not a lot of options there. I've been considering like joining the gym again, going to lifetime to be able to have like I don't know, exposure. Yeah, absolutely. Which is probably something I will do in the next, I don't know, six months or so. But I think that there's there's so much room to like just say yes to things, and maybe it's like going with a friend that you don't know that well to this thing that you wouldn't have ordinarily gone to, and things that would have been like, hell no, I'm not doing that two years ago, or like, well, maybe this is an opportunity for me to get myself out there a little bit. Just saying yes to more things, saying yes to more things. Quick anecdote: I had my my aunt's godmother, so she was my grandmother's best friend. She lived to be, I think, 107. She just passed away like last year or the year before. And people would ask her, May, what is the secret to living this long? And she said, just say yes. Oh, I love that. Even like post 100, her son would be like, Do you want to go out for dinner? Do you want me to come pick you up from the home and go out for dinner? She'd be like, Absolutely. Do you want this? Yes. Like she said, the second you start saying no is the second you start dying because you're just you're not living. So just say yes. Just say yes. Sometimes it's scary, but I love that. The wise words of May at 107 years old. Yes. I think if anyone of us can take, you know, advice from someone, I think I I trust her who's lived who lived a long, yes, full life. Absolutely. That's amazing. I know. So I think that there's like, I don't know. I have yet to like meet anybody out in the wild, but I have faith that it will happen. But I think that But after this podcast airs, men are gonna be lined up around the block. I think even silly things like I don't know, like going bowling or like doing karaoke at a restaurant, just like putting yourself out there a little bit. Like I went out with friends a few weeks ago, did karaoke. I didn't meet anybody, but like it definitely got me talking to more people and like absolutely, and just putting yourself out there. I mean, most of the people there were like 25, but they were like, ah, cool, you're fun. I was like, thank you. Thank you so much. Well, also, like, that's okay too. And there's a lot of women who date younger. That's true. So you could, you know, dip your toe in that. I don't think you need to I'm definitely not opposed to it. I think I get more in my mind about it though, because like I have cousins that are like in their early 30s, and I'm like, so I'd automatically be like, is this like dating that like their friends that I've known for their whole lives? So it just feels a little weird, but I don't think it would have to. No, like I really don't think I don't care very much about age. No, I think in this era of your life, you just gotta be do what makes you happy. Because I think we're all so in our heads about what society deems respectful and deems what we should be doing. Like we should be dating someone with everything listed on this piece of paper. They need to be great on piece of the paper, yeah. They need to be providers and do all these things, and yeah, all that's really great. But at the end of the day, we're not on this planet for that long, and I think everyone just assumes that you're just gonna live to 100. And trust me, I hope that I do. I hope you do, I hope all of us do. But like life is not guaranteed, and I think once we stop getting out of our heads and stop thinking like, oh, I can do that next week, or oh, I can, you know, in a couple weeks I'll do that. It's like there will be time next year. There'll be time next week. It's just like we have to stop and just say to ourselves, like, no, like nothing is guaranteed. Like, we we you have to just put yourself out there and do those things and say yes, like May said absolutely because life is short. Mm-hmm. I just that reminded me of a quote I just heard in I was listening to an audiobook, and they said going into love, people go into love like thinking about the end. And they said, Don't like you don't live your life thinking about the end every day. So the more healthy mindset of going into love, going into a relationship is not thinking about how it's gonna end, just think about today, tomorrow. Absolutely, don't think about oh, I'm not gonna do this because like in five years it's not gonna work out, or I don't want to do this because in six months it's gonna be this. Just do it. Absolutely, and I thought that was a really cool perspective of just like you don't live your life thinking about the end. No, so don't live any portion of your life thinking about how it's gonna end. Absolutely, do not I love that I think moving on from a from a divorce from I was married for 14 years or something like that, 11, that seems like too many. 13 years. It 13, 17 years, I know it really was the difference. Yeah, we were together for almost 20. And so going into that next relationship, I think it's really easy to just like carry all the weight of the past relationship into it. And so I think that what I have to keep reminding myself is just starting fresh and starting new. You've learned a lot, you've lived a lot, you've you're not doing this as you were as a 20-year-old finding somebody back then. Totally, but you don't need to like automatically assume that this new person in your life is gonna do all the same things that your ex did or be the same way, or so I think just like kind of trying to be as fresh as possible and looking at it from a new perspective, knowing what you now know, but without carrying all that baggage into the next chapter with you. I love that as much as possible. Well, and I think it's so easy, and I think all of us, I mean, divorce is a trauma. Absolutely. Getting divorced is a trauma in your life, and obviously there's grief around it. And so I think it's easy for you to go into a new relationship and take all of those parts of you from your last marriage or from your last marit or from your last relationship, excuse me, and think those somehow need to fulfill and are how you are in this next relationship. Right. And I think if you do that, you're just gonna constantly have skeletons in your closet, and you're gonna run into the same exact issues. Exactly. If you do the same thing, you're gonna get the same outcome. Exactly. It's like, what's the definition of insanity? It's insanity insanity, doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Exactly. And I think to your point, it makes so much sense. It's like as much trauma and grief you have in your last relationship, and and and I think we can both agree, like, there are good things that happen to us in the relationship. There's a lot of things I learned. I'm sure there's a lot of things you learned. I have a lot of respect for my ex in the sense that like, you know, we are co-parenting, we have these three girls together, like, and so I I don't want it just to be this negative this that that's a person that that's a father of my kids. He's always gonna be in my life. Yeah. So I don't want it to always be this negative connotation around that because I don't think that's healthy either. Absolutely not. So I think it's realizing that that at a place that was a you know, we created three wonderful children. There are a lot of things in that relationship that I treasure, and the things that I don't, it's like what you know, our middle kids teacher would say have that feeling, feel it inside, crumble it up like it's a piece of paper and throw it in the trash can. You know, it's like feel that it's okay to feel that, yeah, but at the same time, we cannot let that define us into the next relationship, or you're gonna just repeat the same patterns over and over again, and you're gonna be fucked. I think the other thing you just said that with your respect for your ex, I think it's really important we're co-parenting for the next 15 years, being plus. Yeah. For life. I mean, let's be real, for life. I mean, you're gonna be dealing with this for the rest of your life because children are gonna get married, you know. Exactly. And so to, I think there's like in the world, in the stigmas again, there's so much that says, like, oh, like you have to hate your ex, and like the relationship that you had, like, is completely traumatized and terrible. And I think that post breakup, post-divorce, I've really done a lot of like thinking about how that relationship moves forward and how you can't, for the sake of your children, especially, and for yourself, you can't keep it in that like negative, negative, negative box. No, it's like by ending the relationship, you cut off all those things that you were allowed to be that the brokenness that happened inside the relationship. That's over, that's done with. Now we're moving on to the next thing. Like, we can't dwell on that, we can't hold that forever because there's way too much life left to live. There's way too much. There's weddings, there's graduation, there's I mean, fifth grade graduation is this year. We're gonna have to sit all in a row with a family. Hello cloak coacher. So I just think that it's I'm trying, it's not easy. I'm trying to make myself think that and believe that that we we had this wonderful life. I don't regret what happened. I don't regret being married, I don't regret that I married him, I don't regret having that relationship in the same way that I don't regret getting divorced. Like that was a chapter of life, and it kind of ran its course. And now you have to take what you can from that, learn from it, and bring what's left to the next. Situation, the next the next man, the next chapter. Yeah, and even just you know, I star you know started dating my partner obviously quickly after my separation and uh consequent divorce. And you know, we went through a lot, and I was he was getting out of a relationship, I was getting out of a relationship, and I think we both really learned a lot because we were both like what what the fuck is happening right now? We're both getting out of these relationships, we're trying to figure out what works. We both know what didn't work in our last relationship, so now we're trying to figure out how do we make this work, and it was fucking hard, yeah. And we would fight and we would you know go around in circles, and I would feel threatened with his relationship, his ex relationship, he would feel threatened with mine, and you're just trying to figure out all those pieces, yeah. And I think at the end of the day, it's not about that other person, it's about yourself, right? And if you can't figure out how to get your own shit together, and how you can and figure out how to be happy in the person you are, in the parent you are, in the co-parent relationship with your ex, if you cannot figure out how to keep all of yourself together, it will never work. And I remember it was such a turning point with my partner and I where after going to therapy and realizing like this has nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with my ex. This has nothing to do with his ex. Like I need to get my own shit figured out, and I need to be the best version of myself for everyone around me, yeah, or else none of the shit matters. Yeah, you're not gonna expect somebody to come put you back together. No, and you can't put that on screen. You can't because that's only for yourself. You can't, and I feel like that's hard, that's a lot of work. Yeah, and I think once I felt the independence of buying my own house and all the stuff that comes around with that, which I mean you love homeownership. I need to do a whole episode on like the things I wish I knew about home ownership. But there is something empowering about like having your own pay place and doing all that. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, yeah. I remember the first total like side note. I remember the first time coming in here and just feeling so peaceful and happy that like it just felt like this domain and safe space for for all of us, all of your little minions that oh my god, follow you and love you so much. But you know, but at that time I didn't like going home because I didn't want to be at home, and so to be able to come here and just like like let my hair down and just be able to breathe, it just was like literally a breath of fresh air. I'm so happy. I mean, I still love this place, I'm much happier as a person now, but I still love being here and it's just got such a good energy. Good juju. Well, and that's what I when I when I walked this house, I was like, this is the house I see my friends being in, my kids being in. It's fun. Like, you know, you saw I just put lips wallpaper in my bathroom, in my master bathroom. I'm like, this is my she shed. I love it. We're sitting in hot pink chairs with gold floral wallpaper. Mm-hmm. So this is our There's a Chanel scarf framed on the wall over there. There is. So this is this is what I wanted, and that's why when thinking about this podcast, why I wanted to do it here at my house was just that feeling of like, because everyone does feel comfortable and happy here, and like this is kind of been my transformation, if you will, to have my own house and have my own place. And so it's been and I think all of that like really helps build you up. Like you were fortunate enough to have your partner throughout that time, but that didn't define you, no, no, and it was oh and actually he wasn't even you you kept that mostly to yourself, especially in the beginning, where he wasn't a part of everything, and so from my perspective, this is you that you built this and you built yourself block building blocks, building blocks, building blocks, and it really transformed into something absolutely beautiful. Well, thank you. I mean, when I met my partner, he knew very much that I wanted to be financially independent because I had never been before, per se. And so for me, that was something like I wanted my own house. I wanted to pay all the bills, I wanted the house to be exactly me. Like, I don't ask anyone now for permission to put lips in the bathroom, you know? Um, and I think that's something that I want like viewers of this to realize too, is like when you are going in through that next chapter, like, yeah, it is totally about like dating and finding something, finding someone, excuse me. But it's also just as much about finding yourself and finding 100% who your true self is in that next life, and finding people around you who appreciate that person and want to be supportive of that person. Yes, definitely. So I love you, love you, Laura! You're the best. Cheers, thank you, cheers, cheers to reality renewed and Laura for coming on, and many more episodes after. So thank you.