The hidden Cost of Always Being The strong One

In this episode, we're exploring what happens when being "the strong one" becomes more than just something you do;  it becomes who you are.  So many of us spend our lives supporting others, carrying responsibilities, and pushing through challenges without asking ourselves what we need.

Join me for a gentle conversation about permitting yourself to rest, receive support, and put your own wellbeing back on the priority list.

Transcript

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Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Rooted and Rising with me, your host, Tanya Parker. I will just start off by apologising if you can hear any tapping in the background. I've just filled up my bird feeders. I've got three bird feeders on my window that are on my suckers. And I've just filled it up so they think it's tea time and I've got all the birds fighting and tapping away at the window. So if you do hear the tapping in the background, I do apologise, but that's what it is. And we've got a nice sunny day here in Yorkshire, which is unusual, but hey oh, we're gonna make the most of it. So yeah, I've not been on for a while actually, for a few weeks. Life's got a little bit busy and in the way, so I thought it were time for me to come back on and give you another load of my waffling for what it's worth. So today's topic is the hidden cost of always being the strong one. We all know that one person, be it that you know them, be it that you are them. The one person that holds the family together. Now I'm not saying this is me, I this is not a self-serving podcast, um, but I'm just saying there will be elements of my, you know, takings on it, but we know the people, the ones that, you know, I've seen it with people that I know with friends, you know, the whole family lead on them, they're the strong one. I remember having it with one lady who who I know a friend from years ago, and she was the one that did everything, everybody relied on her, there were sick family members, and she was always the one that did everything, she worked hard and held it all together, and she just died suddenly. Which that's not a bit of a chasing start, I suppose, is it? But it's kind of that thing that you know, while she was looking after everybody else, nobody really looked after her. And I'm not really sure if that's her doing, their doing, you know, because sometimes we kind of create that role for ourselves. I know I do. It's um we struggle to let people help us. We want to be that person that kind of does everything sometimes because maybe that's the role that we've created for ourselves. You know, maybe you know, the the martyr type of thing, really, which you know, not meaning that we want to be that martyr, but sometimes it's like is that your self-worth that you've give yourself that role? And if you're not doing that, where's your self-worth? Where do you get your gratification from for you know for other things? So, you know, sometimes it's not that everybody around them has made that person the go-to and that they're not taking care of them. Sometimes they won't tell people that they need help or they won't even know they need help themselves. Um I know this lady just thought she could just keep going and going and going and do everything for everybody and you know, nature kind of showed her differently, I suppose. So it's you know, it's kind of a bit of a warning that we are important and you know, while we can take care of everybody else around us, you know, we can be the strong one of the family or of the it might be a friendship group or whatever it is that you know, don't forget yourself, don't get lost behind. I know there is times in my life where I've you know, I'm a mother, so you know it's kind of goes with it, don't we, that we put everybody else first, you know, as long as they're happy, make sure they're got everything they need in life and you forget about yourself and I think the one revelation point for me was when I was on hypnosis therapy training, we did the inner child training day, and we were told to bring a photograph ourselves, and I you know, I urge you to do this actually, because it was quite eye-opening. Bring a photograph in yourself of a certain age. You choose whatever age you want. Um and it's about healing in a child, about repairing in a child, and sometimes it's not necessarily that you've had a bad childhood or you know, you know your parents make mistakes like any parents, but for me I took a picture of me, I would say I was probably about six or seven in my photograph. And I looked at this photograph, and you had to write a letter to this, you know, your alter ego, your your child, as if you were going to ad as if you were going to adopt them and you were gonna look after him and how you would look after him and how you would nurture him and make their life better. And I looked at this little girl and I thought, you don't look after her. You put everybody else before her. You'll make sure everybody else has got everything they need before her. And I looked at this little girl as if she wasn't me. And how like but she's just as important as anybody else. You know, we all come into this world as a as a human being as uh you know, I don't believe in the VIP thing, I just think we're all humans and we're all equal. Um But yeah, I looked at this little girl and thought, you actually quite neglect sometimes, you know, you make sure people have got food that they need and everything else that they need that, you know, you try and look after them and you kinda just give her scraps, not I'm not saying that, you know, I just, you know, hurt people's leftovers, I don't mean that, but you know, I would make sure that everybody else got the nutrition and things that they wanted and then forget about myself. Um you know, make sure that they had things that they were doing that give them joy, you know, be it days out or things like that, and you know, I'd stay at home and and, you know, pick up the pieces, do the decorating, whatever, you know, I've done that while my husband and my son have gone off camping and I've stayed behind and decorated, and I was like nobody made me do that, it was myself. I'm not saying that anything was anybody else's fault. I w I created that role for myself and I wanted to be that person that they could come home and be proud of that what I've done. But there come a point where you kind of lose who you are, and you just become this person that does everything for everybody. And it gets to where you don't really know how to break out of that role. Um I mean I know I started off in the beginning saying that I didn't really see myself in that role, but I suppose I kind of just contradicted myself now, because I suppose over years I have done, but since I did the inner child exercise and I wrote that letter, it did make me have times where I do stop and think, hang on, what does that little girl need? So for instance it might be that, you know, one day means we might say, Do you want to go and do X, Y, and Z for a day? And I'd just go along with whatever you want to do to kind of, you know, make him happy, not that he mechs me or anything, but and it made me just go, Well no, actually I don't want to do that, I want to do something else. It might be that you go off and do that yourself and I'll go off and do what I want, or we compromise and we do what you want and then what I want or what have you. But I kind of made it that that little girl then had something that she wanted to do, and I remembered that she needed taken care of and not neglected, and she was important. So like I said, I would for anybody, go and go and try it. Just get a photograph of yourself from whatever age, you know, be it a baby, be it a little girl, be it a teenager, whatever else that you whatever age you think, you know your own life better than anybody. And just write that letter to them, you know, just explain how you're gonna look after them, how are you gonna nurture them? We we treat ourselves sometimes worse than we'd ever let anybody treat anybody else that we love. But yet we treat ourselves that way. You know, we we're as we're as big as critics, aren't we? You know, I know I can say to people, yeah, you're capable of doing this, and you're good enough to do that, and I see potential in you this, and then I'll look at myself and just run myself down, and it I don't know why we do that, but you know, maybe that's another episode, something that needs to analyse of why why we can't be a zone supporter. Um But yeah, it's just that thing of you are important and you do need that rest, and sometimes if it's okay to ask for help, because I know, you know, I know people who struggle to accept help, including myself. I've seen me struggle with things and even if it's just like carrying shopping in, it's like, I can do it, I can do it, and we want to be seen as being strong and you know independent and what have you, we don't rely on anybody, and I can do things myself, but you know, and there's somebody there just saying I'll share that burden with you. Why is it so hard just to let them? We don't have to do everything by ourselves, do we? We And sometimes, you know, I get pleasure out of looking after people, I get pleasure out of, you know, cooking for them or making sure they've got things that they're like, creating a nice home for them to come home to. But then when somebody wants to do it for me, I don't want it. But I do want it. But I kind of like Well I don't want them doing that because that's my role, but they might actually want to do it for me. Although I don't really want my husband to cook for me because he can't cook, but anyway. Um that's another start. Um But yeah, sometimes it might be that they want to do that nice thing for you and by saying no I can do it myself or I don't need that help. You know, sometimes we help people, and as much as it's kind of like a selfless thing to do, you know, you want to go and give somebody an hand with something, you help them with something, it's kind of like a you know, a thing back for yourself, because you get some something out of that, you know, if you can go and assist somebody with something or you know, if somebody's broken down at the side of the road and it's a complete stranger and you can get out and you can help them and you can make sure that they're safe or get on the way, that gives you a good feeling and a good buzz. So it's you know if they didn't allow you and just said, Oh no, no, just drive on, I don't need your help, you don't get out of that. So although you've took time out of your day and helped them, you still get something out of it because it's nice to help people, it's nice to be appreciated. I think we all want to be appreciated in life. And it is that just allowing other people to do stuff for you. We don't have to be the ones that do everything, do we? But yet we still seem to create that role for herself. But then the thing is we get to that point where, like I said, the lady that I know, you know, she tragically lost her life through not putting herself first and caring for everybody else. Now I'm not saying that's gonna be what happens to everybody, but we at burnout, we you know, your nervous system can only take so much. And then it becomes that you take it out on people around you that you you do care about, that you what you want to, you know, you want to love and look after them, but then you're also tired and you're giving from an empty cup. You've got to take that time out to take care of for yourself. There's no shame in saying, do you know what today, and this is something I've really struggled with, I don't have to do anything productive. I can actually have a day of just doing what I want. I've always had this thing where if I'm not doing something, I'm not cleaning something, I'm not doing a chore. That I I find it I find it I struggle to kind of just take that time out, just maybe to sit down, read a book, watch telly, just sit in garden, I find that then I've it makes me feel lazy, and nobody's ever put that in me, that's myself. And then I did see a quote the other day and it kind of triggered me a little bit and it said I think it was something, I can't quite remember it now correctly, but it was something on the lines that we've created that self-worth by being productive and by not being productive if in that day and not doing anything productive, we see that we're not worth anything. And it kind of made me stop and think, and I'm like I can still be a worthwhile person and sit down and read a book and watch telly. You know, we weren't put on this earth to run around after everybody and be constantly doing something and be constantly busy and productive. But we won't we're not really here for that, are we? What's why can't we just take that time and just sit in the garden and just like I said, read a book? Maybe just sit and do nothing, maybe listen to music and relax. And it's like we don't allow us that I have to feel that I've got to have gone a hundred miles an hour all day and worn myself out to have earned that time to relax. The only time I can ever really do that without is if I feel ill, and then it's like I'll I'll give myself permission because I feel ill. And even then I still struggle. And it's becoming a bit aware to myself lately that why do why do I feel the need to do that? And like I said, I saw that quote and it and I thought maybe there's something in that because nobody. My husband will say to me, just chill out, you know. Have a have a have a chill day, you know, read a book, like I said, take yourself out or what have you. And I've I've started trying to do that. And I think the more you do it, the more you allow yourself to do it, and the more you enjoy it, and the more, you know, you've got to say, uh give yourself permission for it. Because I don't give myself permission to I'll be one of them that I can be sat down if I do give myself time to sit down. And then if somebody pulls up, I jump up as if I've been caught doing something I shouldn't be doing, and it I've I've just sat down. So, you know, I've had to like look at myself in that way and think, why do I feel that need to? Where does that come from? Maybe that's come from something in my childhood that maybe I need to look at, or do we really need to look at it, or do we just need to say that not by analysing it now and finding where it's come from? Do I just say, right, from here on in, I can give myself permission if I feel tired, or I even if I don't feel tired, I just feel like having a day of just relaxing and doing something enjoyable. We're allowed to give ourselves that permission. Because if not, the burnout, it's not only is it not good for you, it's not good for everybody around you. I mean, that lady the the family lost her But it's not even just losing somebody, is it? It's that they come home and you're snappy or you're er, you know, on edge or nervous or weepy just because you're burnt out. And then there does come a point where that that tips. And then you're not going to give your family the best, are you? So to be able to give the best to them, you've got to be in good shape yourself, mentally, physically. So to be able to do that for them, you've got to be able to look after yourselves, haven't you? I just think that, you know, when in a day and age where everybody wants to achieve something, everybody wants to be productive. Um you know, we see so many programmes on Tally, I know there'sn't so many now, but a few years ago it were like everybody were obsessed with having OCD, and we've got to have these perfect houses, and if you're not, even now you'll see people on social media, on TikTok, and I'm a bit of a I won't say I'm OCD by any stretch, but I'm a little bit of one who constantly wiping stuff down or sweeping or what have you. But I'm by no means OCD, but it's as if the pressure's put on people to have these perfect homes. Homes are not if you look at probably videos from 30, 40 years ago when, you know, before when I was a teenager child or whatever, people's homes looked lived in, they looked like homes. They had things on side, they had, you know, they just had things that you needed in home to be comfortable. Whereas now you look at people on TikTok and Instagram and you know they've got choppy cushions where they've had to chop the cushion so it looks plumped and chopped in middle. You know, since when did that become a thing? You know? And that's just more stress we're putting on ourselves, isn't it? And your home should be your your sanctuary, your safe place where you can go, where you can just be yourself, where you can relax. Not somewhere you have to rush about and make everything look perfect for ooh, for nobody's seen it anyway, really, have they? And the people that come in don't really care. And if they do care, well they have to question why why they're bothered whether you're 'cause cushion's got a chop in it. Um I hope you know what I mean by that, if you don't have a look, it's just where they've fluffed the cushion and then, you know, they have to put a chop in the middle, like a dint. I don't even know why that's a thing. It d I don't even think it looks good, but hey oh but yeah, it's just that m it's just more pressure, isn't it? And I just think that as time's moving on and if we've got more things and we're putting more pressure on ourselves and there's more other stuff, we're not allowing us just that peace, just that time just to sit, just you know, go lay on grass, take your shoes off, go for a walk on beach, do something that's just about feeding your soul. So it might not be productive in terms of monitoring or achieving anything, you know, you've not decorated your house that day, but you've fed your soul, and I think we need to look back now and and do more of that, me included, you know, I'm the world's worst at it. And it's something I've got to learn to do as well, which is probably why maybe this was an episode that's I wanted to kind of do, because I want to do it with people, you know, I I want to be that person and I am trying, I'm trying to let things go, I'm trying not to get stressed because that's not been swept today, because it it doesn't really matter. In the grand scheme of things, if your floor's not being swept one day, it doesn't really matter. And the thing is as well, I expect everybody to who lives around me to kind of have that same and that that they haven't, and it's not fair to expect people to have that same concept of how they want an house to look. That's my problem. And it's something I want to learn to let go of. Because I want to be able to have that time where I sit down and I enjoy a rest, I enjoy reading a book. I've got I must have fifty books. I know I've said on previous episodes, you know, of a bit of a book book order, but I must have about fifty books, and it's like I ain't got time to read 'em, but I have got time to read 'em. We can all find that time. It's do we choose to clean a window or sweep a floor that like I said, it doesn't really matter. I think we need to get out of that era of being overly house proud. It's nice to have a nice home, and I want a nice clean home, but it don't it shouldn't have to be a show home. It shouldn't have to be somewhere that has to spend all day cleaning it that you can't actually, you know, enjoy living in it, because otherwise what's the point? There's just absolutely no point in it. So I urge you to go and do the Inner Child letter. Like I said, get a picture of yourself, write to yourself and and see what comes up, because for me that's what came up. Might be something completely different for you. Um you might look at that child and think, well, I've spoiled it, maybe I need maybe I'm the person that needs to start looking after somebody else. There could be anything that's come up, but but do it, because for me it were quite like I said, it were a bit of a turning point for me. It's slowly, but it did make me sometimes just stop and say, No, she's got I don't want to say a voice because that sounds a bit cliche, but she's got wants that she and needs and it's okay to allow her to have that fun or let her have that choice of what what you do or where you go and it ain't about everybody else all the time because that little girl's as important as anybody else. And it's just remembering that that you you can't look after other people and be there for everybody else if you've got an empty cup you know, you need to have that that strength to be able to give them. You know, being a strong person's a w it's a wonderful quality and it's something that you know people aspire to But we don't have to be stupid with it either do we? We can be strong but it's equally okay to be uh I don't I want to say weak, I don't want to say weak at all, because I don't think it as being weak. It's equally okay to have days where you're not so strong. Maybe that's a better way of putting it. You know, they're not days where you're weak, they're just days where you don't want to be that strong today. Let somebody else be that strong. You know, if you're in a family or you're in a couple and a partner. I think I watched something with Jimmy Carron the other day, and you know, as always a comedian, he does say some things that's quite insightful. And somebody asked him about, I think he'd just got married, and he asked him on his live show what his advice for unhappy marriage, and I thought it was quite good actually. And he said, you know, some days it's 50-50, you bring 50-50 to the table, some days you bring eight to twenty, maybe you were feeling a bit stronger that day and your partner's having a bit of a bad day, so you'll bring the eight to twenty. Some days it's sixty-forty, whatever, and you make up that whole between you, that 100% between you. It's not going to work if you're always the eighty-90 and they're always the 10-20, of course it's not. But it's okay some days if you've only got 30% in you to let them be that 70%. And that's the problem. Sometimes I've only got 30, 20, 30% in me. But I want to be the 50-60% because I want to be that equal, at least equal, if not stronger. And like I said, I don't really know where that comes from, whether it's like I said, whether it is just a self-worth, whether that's something I've done, I don't know. But that's something for me to probably look at and analyse. But it is okay to let somebody some days be that 70 to your 30. It's it's doesn't mean you're weak. And equally they might enjoy being that 70 to your 30. The way that you enjoy being the 70 to their 30 or their eight to their 20, if that makes sense. So yeah, that's my um wafflings for for this week. Like I said, I hope that if anything resonates with you, that you can go away and just be okay to take that rest. Allow yourself that time. Allow yourself to do things that's just for you. Allow yourself to go off and and treat yourself, be don't necessarily have to be buying something, but treat yourself to go to an event that you want to go to or go meet your friends, or just do something that's just for you. But allow yourself that time. Because like I said, you can't give anything to people from an empty cup. So it's important that you look after yourself. I think now more than ever, but we have to kind of be our number one Then you can look after other people too. Because do you know what? Like I said, that friend of mine, she was that strong woman. But her family ain't got her now, and I think they'd rather have done a bit of fifty-fifty and still add her around. So, you know, allow people to give you that help. Allow people to step in and, you know, take over and allow yourself that time to just rest. Put your feet up. Because do you know what? I think what I'm gonna do now, might go get a book. I think I might just have one that I've not read somewhere in my collection of 40 50. And I might get myself a nice cold drink, go sit outside because it's still warm, and with a book and just enjoy that peace and quiet. Because is there a lot of jobs I can still find to do, yeah. Do they matter right now? Not particularly. And nobody else is asking me to do 'em, and they'll still be there tomorrow. In fact, the same job will will be there again tomorrow, because, you know, I've got an hairy dog, so we're constantly sweeping up anyway, so even if I leave it today, it's only going to be the same tomorrow. So yeah, on that note, I am gonna go get my book and go sit outside. So I hope you've all enjoyed listening to this episode. Um I know I kinda go off a little bit round the houses or on a tangent. Um I don't really script anything I say, I just start talking and what comes out comes out, so you know you have to bear with me sometimes. But I hope that there's something you can take from today's episode. Be it like I said, maybe you're the one that don't relax, or maybe you live with somebody, or you you know, your partner whether is the one that wants to do it all. And maybe you can help step up to play and just show them it's okay that you can help them. And they don't have to be that superhuman. Because, you know, superhumans don't can't keep going like that. So yes, thank you for listening, and I hopefully I'll see you on the next episode. Goodbye.