If You’re “All In or All Out”… This Is For You | E13

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Hello team and welcome back to Train Like a Girl. My name is Abby. Thank you so much for being here. I know everyone says that, but honestly, this is such a passion project for me, and I by no means feel like this is gonna kick off anytime soon. I would love it too, so please, you know, spread far and wide if you find any use in this. But I truly love doing this because I hope and I feel like it can really help people because I think there is so much overcomplication in health and fitness, and that's the last thing we need, especially if you are somebody that is or somebody that labels yourself as a perfectionist, because when we suffer, I'm gonna call it suffer with perfectionism, it can really make us go into that sort of freeze mode. And so I'm speaking to you guys today, and this might feel like I'm calling you out a bit. I might be giving you a bit of tough love today, actually, but I feel like you'll appreciate it, and I'm not doing it out of malice, I'm doing it because I also identify as somebody that is all or nothing or a perfectionist, and so I have battled with this for my entire life. We won't get into the psychology of it because we could go down a rabbit hole if we go there, but I think you'll know if I'm talking to you. This episode is for anyone who feels stuck in that all-in or all-out kind of thinking. So it's the person who struggles to keep results because it's either perfect or it's nothing, right? It's that kind of black and white mindset with training, with nutrition, with routine. It's kind of that person that will think if I can't do five sessions a week, I'm not gonna bother at all. Or it's that person who, if they can't get their 12,000 steps a day, they'll just stay on the sofa all day. It's that very and it doesn't always show up as obviously as that, but I think those of you that do struggle with this, you'll you'll really find some help in this podcast because I am lived experience. And so from one perfectionist to another, I understand how frustrating this is. But in today's episode, we're gonna cover why we fall into this kind of all or nothing thinking, and um sometimes why it can feel helpful actually, but crucially, why it is not helpful, and how actually it is really holding you back from your full potential. And when I say full potential, you're probably already thinking, I'm gonna put the full throttle on, but it's it's the opposite of that, which we'll get into. And most importantly, what we'll cover is practical ways to move out of this headspace or move away from like identifying as this kind of perfection, perfectionist kind of person. So let's start from the top with maybe again, like difficult to get into this without digging into singular psychologies of each and every one of you, but I think we'll do a bit of a surface-level chat about why perfectionism happens. And I think in large part it comes down to, and certainly this is in my experience too, like it's the fact that binary thinking is actually easier. Like, if we think about it, when we've got very clear rules around something, when we've got like certainty around something, like a structure. If we think about dieting, let's take, I don't know, keto, for example. Because that is a hard and fast rule, no carbs, it feels easier in a sense. That doesn't mean that it's easier in its practicality, but there's less thinking required, right? There's no grey area, it's very black and white, and the grey area is actually more effort as a result. There's more adaptability with it, it's less clear cut, and therefore it's more kind of difficult. So I think in large part, perfectionism is born out of it just feeling easier, like it's very black or white. So if you're on, you're on, and if you're not, you're not. As an example, um, what's that fitness thing called? Uh 75 hard. That's a really clear example. You've got hard and fast rules, it's rigid, there's strict rules, it takes away decision making, and so it's therefore like easier to follow, right? But crucially, it might be easier to follow, but only for the short term. It avoids us kind of learning balance, it avoids us really digging into like lifestyle habits and things that are actually gonna move the needle forward in the long run. And instead, it like stings us because it it requires of us really extreme measures, and that is the problem with the all or nothing, right? It's easy to follow, yes, until real life happens. So the problem with perfectionism is that it doesn't take into account a normal life, like on track, for instance, for a perfectionist, is very most often is very unrealistic perfection. It's about like hitting every step, it's about taking off every single workout and doing them all optimally and not missing a single rep or set. And it's about tracking every gram perfectly. So it might be, it might be um, you know, in its most extreme, let's say you were calorie tracking, it might be if I haven't weighed out that last bit of spinach, that's not perfect. It's about getting your protein perfect daily, but real life doesn't allow for that. What happens when a birthday crops up or a holiday? What happens when you have Christmas Day, Christmas dinner with your family? What about social events? And so naturally, because real life doesn't allow for perfection, real life is the gray area. What that then leads to is falling off track. I say the words off track in quotation marks for obvious reasons because, well, maybe not so obvious if you're a perfectionist listening to this, but what we really need to learn is actually there is no on track and off-track. It's finding that middle ground, it's understanding that we live in the grey area. We live in, I'm tempted to say we live in flux, but I'm not sure that quite makes sense. It's a bit more flexible. And so this falling off track and then starting again repeatedly, that isn't really practical, is it? That's not that's not perfect, really, is it? As a perfectionist, is it perfect to not be able to live your life? Is it perfect to not be able to socialize? Is it perfect? So, you know, from a practical standpoint, we probably know actually, this all or nothing thinking is really not actually very helpful towards my goals. So I guess the reality check is we don't live in a vacuum. And I talk about this a lot with my clients. You would be amazed at how common this is. But people come on board with me at times when they think, you know, people will sign up when they're like, quote unquote, ready. And I'm like, what do you mean by ready? Oh, I've got I've got no not no big events coming up. You know, I've had people in the past say, oh, I don't want to sign up right now because I've got X, Y, and Z coming up. Oh, we're about to head into the summer, there's lots of weddings, or oh, you know, we're heading into the summer, the kids are off school, like I'm not gonna be able to go to the gym like every day. But what this what this creates is this it this reinstills that belief that it that in order to get results, we need to be fully in. But that's just not the truth. And actually, it's quite the opposite, which we'll get into. So you have to first, I think, appreciate that we don't live in a perfect world. We don't live with perfect circumstances for our health and fitness goals, right? We don't live in a vacuum. And as a fully functional human being, I think it's reasonable for me to assume that you have have values outside of health and fitness. And if you don't, that's not what this podcast is about. And I think you probably would get better help elsewhere if your only values are health and fitness. But I'm sure for the majority, in fact, all of you listening to this, I am positive that you have values outside of health and fitness, like friends, family, travel, career, you know, things you want to achieve in life that are not just about your health and fitness. And so if you are approaching your health and fitness through this lens of like, I'm only doing it when things are perfect, I'm only doing it when things are rigid, that's that's gonna set you up for failure. You're kind of shooting yourself in your foot because if your routine makes you rigid or anxious or unavailable to live your life in other ways, then that's not really actually perfect, is it? So I guess what this leads me on to tell you, and I'm sure you know this, but it's just so worth hearing because when we live with perfectionism ourselves, it's really hard to step outside of it and have a look, have like a good look in. But it's really worth me stating clearly that having really high expectations of yourself, and oh my god, I'm literally speaking to myself as I say this because I do struggle with this. But when you've got seriously lofty expectations of yourself, that doesn't mean better results. So thinking that you need to hit every step, thinking that you need to count every calorie, thinking that you need to tick every single perfect box in order to get results is actually wrong. This is typical of people that have really unrealistic standards. And you know what? I don't even blame you because we live in a world where the perfect is pushed to us. We live on Instagram, we live in a world where we are constantly in front of our eyes on our screens, seeing the top 1% of people with the best physiques, but very often we need to strip this right back and look at it for what it is. It is the top 1%. These people are probably, they do have a probably a career in bodybuilding or whatever, right? So we need to set our expectations differently because having these unrealistic, unrelenting standards does not equal better results. And actually, I'd argue it quite often leads to worse results because it leads to this yo-yo. Your expectations are probably not marrying up well with your current life if you are somebody that you know identifies as like all or nothing, in or out. And so we need to readdress, right? We need to think about where are you starting from? If you are somebody that sort of says, Oh, I can't, I can't start right now, I can't lose weight because I've I can't um commit, I can't do four sessions a week, therefore I I can't get to the gym for uh 60 minutes a time. Actually, we need to then strip it back and be like, well, if we think about health and fitness on a scale of one to a hundred, one hundred would be going above and beyond hitting every single box, taking every single thing possible that you can think of. That's probably your expectation right now, 100. But because you can't get there, instead, you're sitting at zero. You're not doing anything. If you are in those shoes, if you're experiencing that right now, this is classic all or nothing. But what if I said to you, well, what if we just focus on getting to 20 out of 100? That is gonna be substantially better than sitting at zero, right? So this is about having a bit of flexibility with your standards. Your standards and your expectations of yourself need to match your current life. And sometimes this crops up as well with like comparing yourself now to old versions of yourself. So this might look like, oh, but when I was in my 20s, I played lacrosse and I did three strength sessions and I did this and I did that. Well, what does your current life look like? Have you got a bigger career now? Do you have kids now? Are there other expectations of you? Do you have more hobbies now? Do you travel more? So it's not just about like what can I do? Because you might even be comparing yourself to your old self. It's about looking at what does my current life entail? What values have I got as a whole person, not just in health and fitness, and then working from that place instead? Because the opposite, this all or nothing mentality, it actually creates pressure, and it creates a pressure to get this flawlessness. And we all know perfection doesn't really exist, and what this leads to is almost like paralysis, right? It's this like you analyze things so much, you've got the perfect plan in place, and so you just you just don't do any of it. If I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all. And this kind of thinking really leads to like it can at worst lead to anxiety, harsh self-talk, you know, guilt and shame, really low confidence, and just like complete avoidance of any healthy habits. And unfortunately, even when you do manage to succeed with these standards, it's not attainable because again, we don't live in a vacuum. But also these extreme efforts that don't match up to your life, they often lead to burnout. Or, you know, worse, potential eating disorders. The list goes on. So I I know you're understanding what I'm putting you're picking up what I'm putting down here. It's unrealistic and it's also can be quite harmful, but also just really not practical to have such high expectations of ourselves. So what this now brings me on to is we need to have a bit of a mindset shift, I suppose. If you are somebody that fully is like, oh no, I'm somebody that's all in or all out, I'm so black and white thinking, I'm such a perfectionist, you know, I will put my hand up and say that I have identified as this kind of being myself before. But in itself, having those thoughts is not gonna help you, right? Because if you identify so deeply with these um kind of titles, if you identify as a perfectionist, it's it's gonna become your pattern. It's be it's gonna become the way that you just navigate life because this is just who I am, you know? So we need to try and step away. And how we do that is by zooming out and and actually recognizing perfectionism for what it is. And it is just actually a pattern, it doesn't have to be a fixed trait, it doesn't have to be the whole of you, it doesn't have to be who you are, you don't have to identify as a perfectionist, and you can actually just zoom out and be like, oh, this is a trait of mine. And as soon as you do that, as soon as you kind of label it for what it is, you remove it from being part of you, and instead you label it as, okay, this is a trait I've got and it's kind of unhelpful. And then as soon as you realize that, you then give yourself room to be like, ah, this isn't helpful. So if this isn't helpful, what is actually going to be helpful? And then we can, then we've got a really good place to start from because then it's like, oh, okay, my perfectionist thinking isn't helping me, therefore, I need to start looking at how to live in the gray area, etc. Right? And the irony is perfectionists, we want high-level results. A lot of us want like the best body, we want the best fitness, we want the most strength. I really am guilty of this. I put my hand up, but quite often, perfectionist perfectionism in itself causes inconsistency, procrastination, burnout, really bad outcomes, and that isn't perfect. So the irony of it all is perfectionists want high-level results, but it's the perfectionism itself that is taking us away from those results. Some common examples of this are at work, you plan out all your meals, you take everything, you're dieting, right? You take in all your meals, pre-prepped everything, everything's perfect. Someone offers you a cookie, you're stressed out, you eat it, you're like, you uh you don't track it, screwed it. I'll start, I'll get home, or whatever. I've done it's done now. I might as well just have XYZ. On the way home, you pick up a chocolate bar. As you're cooking dinner, you start grazing on other bits, and suddenly the day's done, right? And screw it, I'll start tomorrow. Rather than I've had this unplanned cookie or whatever that I've been offered in work. Not ideal, but I'm gonna log it into my fitness pal anyway, and yeah, it's a few calories over, but that's I'm just gonna carry on my day as normal. I'm gonna have my dinner as planned. The damage there is far less, do you see? The same as if you miss a workout. It's a little bit like missed a workout, oh, I've missed this. I there's I can't fit that into the rest of the week now. Screw it, I'm not gonna do the whole week. Or it's you know, oh, I didn't get my step, I I'm way off my step count for the day. I've only done a thousand, and it's a really busy day, so I'm not gonna bother doing any. Instead, maybe it's okay, I'm definitely not gonna hit my step count today, but I'm gonna do what I can. So let's just do one more loop of the block at 5 pm before we have dinner or whatever. Do you see how the latter is way more practical and actually pushes the needle forwards, even though it's not perfect, it's a much better outcome than if you'd gone with that kind of chuck it all in the fuck it bucket mentality, right? So, how do we overcome this? First of all, we need to check our standards. Are they realistic? Do they reflect my life? Do they consider my other values? You know, do they allow for flexibility? Like if you have last minute dinner plans crop up with a friend, do you panic and think, oh my god, I haven't tracked this meal, therefore, oh screw it, I'll just have everything on the menu. Or do you think, okay, I've one of my values is friendship. I really want to show up for this meal, I'm gonna enjoy it, but I'm gonna be realistic and try and stay as close to my goals as possible, but understand that this is just one evening and it might not be as perfect as my tracked meal at home, but I'll just carry on as normal tomorrow. There is such a massive difference. And that try like learning to live in that gray area is actually what's gonna get you the results long term, not the kind of I need to be perfect, I need to be rigid, otherwise it's not worth it mentality. So I guess it's watching out for those reactions. It's watching out for those like, oh fuck it moments or the YOLO, never mind, I've screwed it, so rest of the week is done, kind of reactions. And then, and then you can, if you recognize those moments for what they are, you can shift from what should I do to what can I do? Right? So that you can live in the gray area more successfully and ultimately just be on your own team. So, how we can do this is firstly, as I say, identify and recognize those moments of screw it, and instead turn them into practically what can I do? It's not what should I do in these moments to make it 10 out of 10. It's what can I do? What's the best approach with the hand that I've been offered, right? So to go back to that example of like a last-minute dinner out with friends, what's the best thing I can do as a balanced human being with multiple values to move the needle forwards without sacrificing my sanity? Like I still want to go out with my mates, but how can I do that in a way that is helpful to my goals as well? So it's about finding that balance. So, what can I do with the hand that I've been offered? That gray area is successful. And how we can also help ourselves is by something I often do is thinking about if I had a friend in this situation, how would I talk to them about it? If they came to me and said, Oh my god, I had one biscuit at at dinner, at sorry, at lunchtime in work, I'm now gonna eat all afternoon because I've screwed it up. On the way home, I'm gonna grab a Burger King, and then when I get home, I'm gonna have a bag of popcorn whilst I wait for my dinner to be. Made and then I'll probably have a Ben and Jerry's afterwards as well. Because you know, if a friend said that to me, what's the likelihood that I would say, yeah, great idea, might as well just send it and then start again tomorrow. Think about that with yourself too. Like, how would you talk to a friend or a family member if they came to you with those thoughts? So it's about identifying those like screw it thoughts and then reply to yourself in a way that you would reply to a friend. So it's way less harsh, isn't it? It's way more constructive, way more supportive, and it's not critical because ultimately the critical voice and that like self-sabotage, beat myself up narrative in your mind, we know it's really unhelpful. So again, to go back to that, we have to understand that it's unhelpful to begin with, and then identifying those moments. And sometimes I think it's about like surfing the urge. We we hear about surfing the urge quite a lot, and it's it's about okay, I haven't made like the most practical decision, like the best decision in line with my goals here, but what can I do next that is gonna help me rather than just like falling into that all or nothing mentality? And how we do that is by creating space. So surfing the urge is like, for example, you overeat, but take five minutes, take 10 minutes, sit away from the situation, analyze it, think about it, not to berate yourself, but just to think practically without having like an impulsive reaction. Instead, it's like thinking practically about what's the next best steps for me to be on my own team. How would I talk to a friend now? And just let those impulsive thoughts kind of pass. So I think quite often perfectionists like to ruminate in things that haven't quite gone right or haven't gone perfectly. And so instead of ruminating, try and let when you've identified those thoughts, like try and let them pass. So rather than fixating on, oh my god, this didn't go perfectly, like this was awful, I'm I can't I can't carry on now with my plans. Like I might as well just you you know the drill. Try not to fixate and ruminate on them and instead take a minute and just try to respond calmly to that, you know, impulsive thinking. So a calm, practical advice to yourself might be okay, that wasn't ideal in line with my goals, but I know that when I zoom out of my week, that's just one tiny thing. And actually, if I just crack on now with my plans as normal, that's gonna be a much better outcome for myself. So if we have that calm response instead of that like heightened emotional reaction, the stress is lessened. And I know this is like I'm preaching to the choir because I struggle with this still too, but I think just hearing it from another person can be quite helpful. So I hope that, yeah, I hope this has been helpful. So it really is just about if something you feel like has gone wrong, just like pause, avoid the instant reaction, and the outcome will be completely different. And ultimately, I think what all of this boils down to, if we really strip this right back, we know as perfectionists that actually this is holding us back. And perfectionism is not success. That doesn't equal success. What actually creates success, and I think the reason the reason all or nothing thinkers have such a hard time is because we are plastered with people that are doing the best of the best. Like I say, on Instagram and stuff, it we can be under a false sense of there's this idea that like to do anything well, we need to do it at its full. So, like, if we want to start running, like running's having a boom right now on Instagram, isn't it? So if we want to start running, I need to start running four times a week, and I need to have intervals in there, and I need to do this certain pace, and I need to run this certain distance, but actually that will create that paralysis because it's unrealistic to be able to get that for most of us that are not full-time runners, that is unrealistic. So perfection does not lead to success, and actually, what does is consistency, but consistency that is practical for your life. So, some examples might be let's say you can't make the gym for 60 minutes, you don't go at all. Well, what about if we use the 20 minutes you do have to do some movement? That action is always gonna trump nothing at all. So it's about, and you'll have heard this phrase before, hopefully, and if you haven't, it's game-changing. Imperfect action. Imperfect action compounds over time because the person that's all or nothing, let's think about it. Let's say they start Monday, everything ticked everything perfectly. Tuesday ticked everything perfectly. Wednesday, there's a bit of a hiccup, and so Thursday is a bit off as well. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday off. Screwed it, ate the KFC, did the ordered the dominoes, didn't do any workouts, didn't bother with my steps, didn't get a good sleep routine, screwed it, right? So you had maybe two perfect days. Whereas the imperfect person might be like, Monday, they do really well. Tuesday, they do 80% out of 100, right? They tick a few of the boxes. Wednesday, it's a tougher day at work, but they still think I can't get all my steps in, but I will just go this evening and do 20 minutes. They do something rather than nothing. Thursday, you get the picture, you get what I'm putting down. The imperfect action compounds over time far more than the perfectionist. Because the perfectionist is on or off. Whereas imperfect, you're kind of oh it's a bit like if you had a green light, traffic light system, perfectionist is either green or red. But because of all those reds, you're actually in a negative. Whereas if you practice imperfect action, you're probably always on the amber. But over time, that is way more attainable, way more realistic, and it compounds. You'll probably get, in fact, you'll definitely get more results over time if you practice that imperfect action. So it's not about ticking every box perfectly, it's about just focusing on what is the next best decision for me. What's the next best decision in this moment? Not for the whole week, not for, you know, I've screwed it for the month. It's like, what can I do next that is best for me? So it's about being really calm and practical with yourself. And I guess then just challenge the evidence. Like if all of this feels really difficult to sink in and it feels really hard to I get that this is like a really difficult thing to shift out of when you've lived with perfectionism your whole life, but just challenge the evidence then. Like, first of all, why are you listening to this podcast? If perfectionism had worked for you, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast. And when has perfectionism actually worked for you long term? It's likely never. Because you are a person of more values than just health and fitness. So let's wrap this all up, guys, by saying thanks for listening. Um because it feels good to be heard, because I definitely identify with this and I get it. But I am learning through years of practice with this that the gray area, yes, takes more effort, but it works. And that all or nothing, it is appealing because it's simpler, but simple doesn't always mean effective, and it certainly doesn't actually mean perfect in the long run. It's the it's being flexible and learning to be, you know, have a more nuanced living and being that is actually sustainable, and it's that sustainability that leads to results. So if you want more practical tips like this, please keep listening to further episodes. But that was everything for today, guys. I hope this was helpful. It is obviously something I'm very passionate about. And if you feel like you do struggle with this, please drop me a line on Instagram. I'd love to chat further about it on your experience with it. And if you want extra help with this, of course, please reach out. I do work with clients one to one, and this is something that crops up a heck of a lot in so many different ways. But I'm sure if you are a perfectionist, you'll get it. And if you want guidance with this, please hit me up. And that's everything for today. Thanks so much for listening, and I will catch you next time.