BDSM 120 - The Big O

Orgasms. Aren't they fun?

Now, what happens when we surrender control of them to someone else?

In this episode we explore orgasm control in many of its forms, from edging to forced orgasms, chastity to squirting. And look at why surrender of control is so potent, for both Dom and sub.

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So, welcome back, my friends and fellow kinksters to another sizzling deep dive episode of Getting Kinky with Philerstein. I'm your host, Philstein, and today we're turning up the heat and exploring one of the most tantalising and psychologically complex aspects of kink: orgasm control. From the basics of owning someone else's orgasmic reactions, to requiring permission for them to orgasm, edging, and to more intense aspects like horse orgasms, denial or ruining, post-orgasm torment, and indeed horse squirting. This episode is going to dive into the depths of power, control, surrender, oh, the big O. And we'll be looking at some of the use of toys and tools like spreader bars and similar, how orgasm control plays out when multiple partners are involved, especially when not everyone shares that same kink about owning someone's orgasms. So whether you're new to this or an experienced kinker, settle in, because we're about to explore just how deep this rabbit hole can go. Orgasm control starts with a simple but profound concept. That the Dom owns the sub's orgasms. Not just has control of their body, actually owns their orgasm. And this is not therefore just some physical restraint, this is pure psychological control. You see, the idea that someone's orgasm is not theirs alone is a very powerful tool of dominance. The Dom holds the keys, sometimes literally, about when they're allowed to climax, how they're allowed to climax, and in some cases whether they're allowed to climax at all. But let's back up for a second. Why does this psychological control create such a compelling dynamic? Well, for the Dom, that power over a sub's orgasm is a deeply intimate form of control. It is asserting their dominance in the most personal, physical way possible. And this is where the fine line between care and cruelty comes into play. A good Dom uses that orgasm control not as a way just to punish, but as a way to create intense arousal, to create the sense of vulnerability, and to deepen the emotional connection. The trust here is absolutely paramount. The Dom is taking responsibility for the sub's emotional and physical well-being, ensuring that control doesn't cross into harm. For the sub, this dynamic can be bizarrely incredibly freeing. Yes, it involves surrendering control. It is in a safe and consensual way, of course. For many subs, giving up their orgasms on control of them to the Dong is not just letting go physically, but emotionally. It's submitting to that power of the Dong, allowing their pleasure to be dictated and controlled by someone else. It is a deeply vulnerable act, but it builds trust and intimacy, creating an incredibly powerful bond. But the psychological experience varies. There is an element of self-discovery that often comes with surrendering to that control over your pleasure. Some subs crave the feeling of being owned and feel that this is one of the most powerful ways of expressing it. Others can be drawn to the intensity of anticipation or even frustration, even humiliation that comes with not being allowed to come whenever they wish. So we have the idea that the sub is going to ask permission to come. Timing of that is quite interesting. Do they ask at the beginning of play whether they're going to be allowed to come, knowing that whatever that answer is isn't going to change during the period of time? Or do they wait until that's nearly the case and then ask, only to be at times either pleasantly surprised or disappointed accordingly. And the ways in which you can play with when permission is asked, how and when it might be granted, whether you then even go as far as to turn around and say, not until you're begging. Creating all sorts of psychological and emotional situations that each time, if you've got a slight degree of variation, stops it being a kind of routine or formulaic approach. But the next level of orgasm control comes in the form of both edging and denial. Edging, exactly what it sounds like, bringing the sub to the very edge of orgasm, only to stop just before you reach the point where they would climax. That buildup of arousal is intense but also slightly torturous, heightening the desire for that release of orgasm, but the DOM withholding it, keeping the sub in a constant state of sexual tension. Being denied that release in the process, the sub becomes more and more pronounced in their arousal, sometimes until they feel like they're about to burst, and when they are finally allowed their orgasm, it is generally even more intense as a result. The psychological impact here is immense because while we're going through this process, the sub's mind becomes obsessed with the idea of orgasm, their body is screaming for release, their DOM is controlling whether that happens. This is a place where frustration and desire meet in an absolutely primal way. For the DOM, this is not just a physical game, it's a mental one. You're not just controlling the sub's orgasm, you're controlling their mind. You're learning when to push and when to pull back, giving just enough to heighten the tension without actually offering release. Now, for some subs, this can be a deeply pleasurable form of torment. There is nothing unpleasurable about the act of arousal. But then brought to the brink of that climax, they're forced to endure more anticipation, sometimes for quite extended periods. The more they're edged, the more intense the eventual release will become. And denial is then the ultimate form of that control. It's not just about preventing orgasm for a moment or for a while or for an hour or two hours or ten hours. It's about just saying it's not happening at all. Leaving the sub prostrating, leaving the sub aching, sometimes even begging for release. It's a power taken to the extreme. We're now not controlling just when the sub-orgasms, but if the sub-orgasms. And the psychological impact in the sub can be profound. And that can lead to real feelings of desperation and craving. Now, of course, learning your sub's body, their reactions, their responses, and where that line is that you're trying not to cross. Well, that's half the fun. Discovering where that point of no return is for yourself, and then how to manage intense arousal without crossing that line is an exploration that works for both. Because the DOM is discovering how his submissive works. The sub gets all those orgasms that the DOM's providing. Well finding that out, because for that particular person, it will be slightly different to everyone else. Every sub is different in what they react to and how. But the process of arousing somebody or being aroused by somebody is in itself deeply pleasurable. And just because you are learning and not necessarily getting to the point where you are just catching that line is really important. So you can build up to it in a number of ways. You can start by edging for a while, pulling back a little bit, but maybe pulling back a little early. You're not quite at the brink at this point. So it just becomes more cheesing in how you're doing that arousal. Eventually, as you learn the sub's body, you get to a point of understanding. Okay, this is where if I do this any longer, the sub is just going to orgasm and has no control at that point over whether or not their body reacts that way. That process of learning, done for both, but also is gradually building to the point where edging can become more and more intense over time. So denial is where the real power lies. Denial is that ultimate form of control. Not just when, if you orgasm. No necessarily, any promise of any release at any point. This can create an unbearable tension, physically and emotionally, as you get bombarded in the sub's brain with waves of frustration and need, and the Dom is just sitting there enjoying the power they're having over the sub's body, playing with their pleasure as though it's a delicate instrument that only they have learned how to play. But once the sub finally reaches their climax, assuming they're allowed to, the Dom can then take it one step further. Ruining. Now a ruined orgasm happens when the Dom interrupts that climax, usually just as the sub is either about to or just starting to orgasm, turning what should be a pleasurable release into something else entirely. And that can be done with a sudden change in pressure, in rhythm, harsh verbal command, a well-placed spank to the nipples or click. The possibilities are endless, but the effect is the same. What should have been an enjoyable and thoroughly cleansing climax becomes a frustrating, incomplete orgasm, leaving the sub feeling both aroused but still unsatisfied. And I am told that taking the level of glee that I do in doing that makes me a bit of very, very evil man, by the way. But it doesn't stop the Dom continuing to stimulate them. This can be especially intense because the sub is very vulnerable, their body's spent, any further touch is heightened and often overwhelming, and for some that sensation can be too much, making it so sensitive, so painful, so torturous in the best way. Post-orgasm torment can be a means of deepening submission, but also starting to express the form of aftercare. The dog controls when the sub is allowed to rest and recover, which may indeed push them to new limits of pleasure and sensitivity. And in some cases, this is where you discover that even though even though the body is hypersensitive, you are not necessarily done with all those orgasms at this point. So if edging and denial are about playing with the sub's limits, forced orgasms are about taking that control and pushing it in a different direction. The forced orgasm happens when the DOM takes away all agency from the sub and decides that they are going to orgasm or when they will orgasm, regardless of whether they're ready or not. It's a type of orgasm that's not negotiated, requested, or earned, it's simply demanded. I think that can be overwhelming for the sub. The experience can be both frustrating and intensely arousing. Forced orgasms push the sub into a state of complete vulnerability where they have no longer got any control over their body or their body's reactions, and for the DOM, it's a way of forcing the sub to surrender completely to their will. It's something humiliating, there's something very satisfying about having your body respond to someone else's commands and to orgasm without the same degree of build-up or connection or content. The psychological impact here is extreme. Because the sub may feel a mix of powerlessness, humiliation, and arousal. The DOM gets that intense sense of control. And the beauty of this is the way it explores the intersection of submission, domination, and the body's natural responses in how the sub is giving up all that control, not only over when they orgasm, but how their body reacts. And this is one of the areas where we looked at hypnosis a few episodes ago, that that can be used to create that almost orgasm on command. Not easy to embed all the time, but it is a way of creating the conditions under which forced orgasms can happen. So let's shift gears a little and talk about yoni massage. For those unfamiliar, a yoni massage is a deeply intimate, sacred tantra practice often used to explore and heighten sexual energy. It is also a form of very deep trust. Because during a yoni massage, the Dong focuses on the sub's pleasure zones. It's not just about the pleasure zones. We will do an episode on yoni massage separately and on tantra in general, but if we're looking to focus on the sub's pleasure zones, working to bring the sub to the edge of climax, it's a it's a combination of physical sensation and indeed spiritual connection. The massage itself focuses on specific areas: nipples, labia, clitoral hood, g spot, but done very, very slowly and gradually. And the real power in it comes in the way the DOM uses their hands, slowing the pace right down, focusing on how specific elements of arousal are created. It's an extremely powerful way to learn a subbody. But it does require a degree of trust to be able to slow it down and be that vulnerable and open to that dog. In the context of orgasm control, a yoni massage can serve both as a tool of pleasure and indeed as a denial. It's incredibly sensual. It is intended to focus on arousal in specific areas over a lengthy period of time. So it can bring the sub into a very, very heightened aroused state, only to not necessarily culminate in an orgasm. But that touch, that connection is part of what makes the yoni massage really intense. When combined them with the orgasm control, it can be a perfect blend of physicality, emotional engagement and vulnerability. Last but certainly not least, while we're discussing some of these forced orgasms, we can't forget squirting. For some people, the experience of squirting, female ejaculation, is an intensely pleasurable release. But the act itself is a form of orgasm control or forced orgasm, especially when the Dom is orchestrating it. For some subs, the DOM's control over the buildup to squirting can create a deeply satisfying release of tension and desire. It is an act that blends control and surrender and a sense of heightened arousal. Because the way in which the female body reacts to be able to squirt is, firstly, slightly different for almost all women. Whether they can or not squirt is different for all women. But it's an act that blends control and surrender and heightened arousal again, but it's very much tied to letting go. Letting your own body do as it will. Because the Dom is watching out for you. The Dom is controlling it. So let's talk about the toys and tools that make orgasm control even more intense. One of the most iconic tools is the spreader power. This simple yet powerful tool forces the sub into a vulnerable position, holding their legs apart. When the sub is restrained like this, they are both more exposed physically and emotionally, because the DOM has full access to their body, and the sub has no way of stopping or clamping their legs or knees together and preventing what comes next. So they don't just create a physical restriction, they create a psychological one too. The sub is not controlling their movements. If it's also combined with using ropes and restraints in order to secure the sub in a specific position and pose, then that lack of autonomy in itself is deeply arousing. If the Dom's using the spread of bar then as a way to control the sub's access to their own pleasure, it is a reminder that their body isn't their own anymore, that it belongs to the Dom. It is a way in which you can then extend the period over which post-orgasm torment can go on. Forcing multiple orgasms, reaching a point where you are letting the sub's body run absolutely rampant without the sub's engagement in that process. But you know, that's not the only tool in the toolbox. Vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, cochrings, they all play their parts in orgasm control. The DOM can control the intensity, the rhythm, the sensations that these tools are creating and extending, ensuring that the pleasure, and indeed sometimes pain, and certainly anticipation, are all in a finely tuned balance as we control those orgasms. The sub orgasms are being shaped by the tools that on uses, and that can be in stimulating, it can be in denying, it can be in intensifying those situations and those sensations. The toys add another physical layer of control that heightens the emotional and the psychological aspects of this kind of play. Another powerful practice tied into this is chastity, because the use of a chastity device, adding a physical barrier to the sub's ability to orgasm, is highly psychological. You can be physically restrained, whether that's a cock cage or a chastity belt. The Dom has total access to their body, and this is where we specifically have the DOM holding the keys literally and figuratively, because we're dictating when, if, there can climax at all. And for the sub, the fact that there is A physical device in place is a constant reminder of their submission. The device is an extension of their surrender. You can then, of course, look at psychological chastity, i.e., you're just told that you're not allowed to orgasm for X number of days, and that is a test of your ability to behave yourself. Whereas a chastity device is physically preventing this from being the case. Chastity also intensifies sexual desire because you're being denied the thing you crave. That tension then builds, and the longer you're in chastity, the further heightened every sensation will be once the release is finally allowed. So let's dive into a slightly different topic on this that complicates things in fascinating ways. What about when we have multiple partners? So in non-monogamous relationships, it is common for one partner, potentially, to be engaged in orgasm control. But not all partners may fully understand or share that kingdom. And this is where some of the psychology of power dynamics becomes more complex. Ultimately, if you're in a multiple partner dynamic, and particularly where we're looking at a sub having more than one DOM, unless there is collusion and collaboration between that sub's various partners, it becomes almost impossible to control orgasms outside of the time spent in the scene or just time spent generally with the owning DOM, because the other partners have to consent to the sub's request to say, can this DOM control my orgasms with them? And they probably are not likely to accept that. When different partners are in the picture, the sub must navigate the desires and the boundaries and emotional states of each person. Not all partners may share the same approach to orgasm control. Even if we are all agreeing that their orgasms are controlled. What one partner wants as an outcome is not necessarily what another partner wants. And that can create tension. It can create a feeling of conflict for the sub, especially if one partner demands orgasm control and another partner isn't entirely comfortable with it or just going along with it. On the other hand, managing multiple partners with different desires can sometimes be tricky. You can't just apply a one-size-fits-all to the way in which you do these things. It requires exceptional emotional intelligence and communication skills. And if you're balancing the needs of your sub while maintaining harmony across other partners, in those situations it is really important that you have clear communication and you understand your negotiations. Everybody involved has to understand the dynamics of play. So the impact of orgasm control can be deepened or it can be complicated by multiple partners. And you can be torn between different desires, expectations, different ways in which you want to be with different partners. But it can also amplify the sense of submission. If you're seeing a partner where the orgasm control is paramount, as opposed to the other partners where it's just not really a thing, you find yourself focused on what are the things that you gain from that. Even more so if you find yourself accountable to more than one person, but each has their own slightly different way of controlling the sub's orgasmic journey. Again, something we may come back to. So, as you can see, orgasm control, it isn't just about holding someone's release back for a bit. It is about exploring power and pleasure and trust in ways that push the boundaries of both physical and emotional limits. And it's a dance, and it takes skill, patience, a deep understanding between the dominants up, and it takes time to get it right. But when it's done right, it can unlock levels of intimacy and connection that few other kink practices really can. Well, that's a wrap for today, Kinky Friends. Orgasm control in all its forms is a practice of power, trust, and connection. And whether you're using forced orgasms, edging, toys, the goal is always to deepen the psychological bond, to explore vulnerability and submission, and to take pleasure to new and intense heights. So until next time, play safe, communicate clearly, and stay.