BDSM 122 - The Hero's Journey

For those unfamiliar with The Hero's Journey, it is the structure that almost all myth, legend and fiction follows. And it applies to many things in life, but BDSM has its own particular take on it, for both Dom and sub. What is the Hero's Journey, and how do we learn from it in BDSM?

In other episodes we will come back to this, and look at ways the steps result in failure, and what to do about it, but for this episode, let's be positive and think of it as a successful journey...

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back, Kingsters. I'm Philerstein and you are listening to Getting Kinky with Philistine. And today we're going to dive into an exploration of the Hero's journey and how it maps pretty much perfectly onto the BDSM experience. This journey is not just about exploring desires or testing limits, it is a path of deep personal transformation. So in this episode, we're going to break down the stages of the hero's journey and explore how both dominance and submissives can approach each step. So whether you're the one taking the lead or you're the one surrendering to it, it can't be because we're about to embark on a journey of self-discovery, passion, and power dynamics. So before we get into the nitty-gritty of how these stages actually play out in BDSN, let's have another look at what we mean by the hero's journey. As a reminder, this is a universal storytelling framework that appears in myths, movies, and yes, in kink experiences. So, going from the top, we start off with the ordinary world. This is, of course, the hero's life before the journey begins. Setting the scene. What happened before we knew about Kink? Then the call to adventure, the challenge, the threat, the opportunity that invites the hero to step into the unknown. The refusal of the call. This is that moment of hesitation. The hero is unsure if they're ready for this transformation. Meeting with the mentor, where the hero finds guidance or tools to help them on their path. Crossing the threshold, the point at which the hero fully commits to this adventure. Tests allies and enemies, the challenges, the friends, and the obstacles that are encountered. The approach to the inmost cave. And this is where the hero is preparing for an ultimate challenge of some sort. The ordeal, in which you face your deepest fears or challenges. Seizing the sword, also known as the reward. After overcoming that ordeal, the hero gains something valuable. The road back. Because the hero must now return, often facing new challenges on the way. Resurrection. This is the final, the most dangerous encounter where the hero is truly transformed. And finally returning with the elixir. We are returning home now with wisdom, or indeed power, that can be shared with others. And each of these stages marks a pivotal point in the hero's transformation. For us kingsters, these stages are deeply connected to the journey we take in BDSM, and they are just as significant for submissives as they are for dominance. So let's start with the ordinary world. In the hero's journey, this is the life before they are called to adventure. It's comfortable, it's known, it represents everything that's familiar. Ultimately, for most of us kingsters, this is what we knew as pure vanilla. So for dominance, the ordinary world may look like a life where power dynamics haven't yet been explored in any depth. You might be used to relationships where you take the lead, but the exploration of that control and authority in BDSM has not yet become central to your identity. There will be a sense that something is missing, that somehow the deeper connection and understanding of power exchange may be calling to you. Submissives, the ordinary world can feel a bit like a place of quiet longing. You may feel unfulfilled, yearning for some deeper connection, wanting to explore vulnerability and surrender. Maybe it is that you need to have the giving up of control, but have kept those fantasies tucked away. It may even be a case of you don't know that this is what you need. You're just aware of the fact that something is missing and wrong. The ordinary world is about feeling disconnected from your true desires, perhaps even unaware of how powerful that longing for submission can be. So then we get the call to adventure. That moment when the hero feels the pull to venture into the unknown. It could be a sudden awareness, could even be a specific event that sparks a curiosity. But dominance, that call might come when you see someone giving themselves fully to another. An encounter, for instance, at a kink event, reading about power dynamics, discovering that you crave control in new and unfamiliar ways. Issues where you realize that there is more to dominance than just taking the lead in the bedroom. There's a whole world of deep responsibility, emotional depth, and sexual adventure waiting for you. For submissives, the call to adventure can often feel like a rush of excitement and fear all mixed together. When you encounter a dominant who offers a safety structure and control that you've been craving, or you discover a kink scene that makes your heart absolutely race. That call to adventure could be a sudden awareness that you are ready to surrender, that you're ready to explore those boundaries, and that you're ready to experience the vulnerability that submission offers. So then we get the refusal of the call. This is the doubts and fears element. And every hero experiences some form of hesitation or fear. This is the refusal of the call. You know you're being drawn into something bigger than yourself, but doubts and fears creep in. What if I fail to provide the control they need? That self-doubt, that deep fear that you might not live up to the expectations or the power dynamics could become too complicated or overwhelming. And for submissives, refusal might look like fear of losing control. What if I don't like it? What if I can't submit? What if I'm not good enough? It's so easy to question whether your desires are valid or acceptable, especially in a world that might still be somewhat misunderstood. You might also fear being judged or not being able to handle the emotional or physical challenges that submission brings. Both dominants and submissives face a real fear of the unknown. But please remember, it is so natural to have these doubts. The important bit is whether you overcome them. Meeting with the mentor, gaining knowledge and support. On the hero's journey, this is where the hero meets a guide who can provide the tools, wisdom, or support to help them on their journey. In BDSM, this can look like a variety of things. It could mean finding someone who's more experienced in the scene, someone who can show you how to balance control with care. Perhaps it's a fellow Dom who could mentor you, teach you how to read your partner's needs, develop those skills in negotiation and consent, understand the emotional weight of responsibility. Mentors can help you create a safe, structured space where your power can flourish. It could be that you're just finding books and reading materials that help guide, shape, help you discover the way in which you want to express yourself. It could be a podcast, one called Getting Kinky with Philistine, for instance. A mentor might be someone who teaches you how to trust yourself and your desires. It could be for some submissives that the DOM is going to take the time to guide you through your limits and fantasies and help you understand your role in the dynamic. It could be a group, a community of pet life or of barpswingers or similar, where you can learn about healthy submission, exploring boundaries, discovering the profound emotional connection that can come with surrender. So then we get to the point of committing to the journey, crossing the threshold. Because the moment you cross the threshold is when you fully commit to this adventure. This is the point of no return. You're diving headfirst into this experience. For dominance, crossing the threshold might mean taking the plunge into a real-time BDSM dynamic, whether in a committed relationship or a one-time scene or even a power exchange contract. It's when you realize that being a Dom is more than just about play. It's the power and the responsibility that come with guiding another person's experience. This is where, as a DOM you are embracing the idea that control, responsibility, and connection are all braided together and intertwined. And for submissives, this is when you consent to submit. Whether it's during a scene or in a relationship, you can now trust the Dom you're with, commit to letting go and surrender that control. You may not be in full submission, but you are certainly consenting to submit and release your own autonomy. It's where you can begin to embrace that vulnerability and discover how powerful it is to trust someone else to guide you. Crossing the threshold isn't just about physical submission, it is the mental and emotional stepping into that role and finding the peace and satisfaction that goes with it. The tests, allies, and enemies phase is where the hero faces challenges and obstacles, makes friends or allies, encounters enemies, or in the case of BDSM, their internal struggles, external doubts. This is the part of the journey where the real work begins. Predominance this stage could be the moment you start really understanding the complexities of control. Because it's not just about giving orders, it's about building a relationship based on trust and mutual respect. You might face the challenge of balancing your need for power with your partner's emotional and physical boundaries. You could also encounter the enemies of self-doubt, wondering if you're really up to this task of leading or if you've gone too far in a scene, particularly when you come across the first time a safe word is used. Tests, allies, and enemies are often about discovering your own limits and boundaries. What does your submission look like? What are you really willing to give up? How do you communicate that? You might find yourself testing your own limits in scenes, exploring those deeper forms of surrender, and there may be and probably will be moments when you have to confront your own fears. Do you fully trust this person? This dominant? What happens when you encounter an emotional trigger during a scene? What happens when you're fighting the urge to safe word versus the urge to please? This stage is all about growth. And the more you can push through these challenges, the stronger and more secure you feel in your role. You're not just learning about BDSM, you're learning about yourself and you're learning about this dynamic that you are engaging in with that person. As we move to the approach to the inmost cave, we are entering the most intense part of the hero's journey. This is where the hero prepares for their greatest challenge, the deepest confrontation with their fears or desires. For dominance, this could involve facing your own emotional vulnerabilities. Can you really allow yourself to trust and be vulnerable while still maintaining control? It might also mean preparing for your partner's deeper needs, those emotional or physical limits that you hadn't anticipated. Dominants often encounter the challenge of managing their own emotions during scenes, when the experience triggers something unexpected or something deeply personal. That is the approach to the inmost cave for the dominant. And for submissives, the inmost cave might be the moment when you must confront your deepest fears of surrender. That fear of being overwhelmed or hurt or harmed, emotionally exposed. Maybe you're ready to take on a more intense scene or trust someone with a deeper part of yourself than ever before. And this is the place where you have to let go of those fears of vulnerability and truly allow yourself to experience that depth of submission, maybe for the first time. And this is where we're talking about the difference between consent to submit and true submission. Because this is the ordeal, the heart of the hero's journey, the moment where the hero faces their greatest trial. It's where the transformation happens. For dominance, the ordeal could be a moment of intense emotional or physical responsibility, a particularly challenging scene where you're responsible for your partner's physical and emotional well-being, testing your skills, your instincts as a DOM, and you encounter moments where you are unsure of what your sub needs or whether you've just pushed them far too far. The ordeal for you might involve the balance between pushing those limits and ensuring the safety and emotional health of your sub. The ordeal could be that moment of true surrender, resulting in a scene or dynamic pushing you beyond what you thought you could endure. A moment of complete surrender where you lose yourself in the power dynamic. Maybe a particularly painful or intense scene that forces you to confront your emotional triggers. Because it's during the ordeal that you discover how much you can truly give. And indeed, how much you can truly take. This is the place where you find out what it really means to fully trust your dominant and trust yourself. So after the ordeal, the hero claims the reward. This is the moment of victory where the hero gains the knowledge or power that they sought. For dominance, this might be the realization that you have grown into that role. You understand your power now more clearly and you can wield it with confidence. You might feel a deeper connection with your submissive partner, knowing the trust you've built has led to something profoundly meaningful and intimate. The reward isn't just physical satisfaction, sexual satisfaction. It's the emotional satisfaction of knowing you're guiding someone towards their transformation. For submissives, on the other hand, the reward is about that feeling of release and catharsis after a scene. That moment you realize that you were able to fully trust your dominant, allowing yourself to surrender completely. There is a sense of emotional and physical fulfilment that comes with being cared for, pushed your limits, and guided through the aftermath. You may well feel that you've broken through some personal barriers, letting go of past fears and embracing your role as a submissive with more strength and confidence. So now we come to the road back, returning with new knowledge. The road back marks the hero's return after their victory, but it is never that simple. There's always a challenge or a complication on the way back. Now, for dominance, this could mean a period of reflection and growth after a particularly transformative scene. You may question how your power dynamic can evolve now or what new challenges might await. There's also the responsibility of integrating those lessons learned from the ordeal and reward and making sure the growth doesn't just remain in the scene, but becomes part of your everyday understanding of yourself and your partner. And for submissives, the road back may involve reintegrating into your everyday life after a particularly transformative session or scene. Maybe you've pushed your limits, learned something new about yourself, and now you need to carry that knowledge forward into your daily interactions. It could also mean a process of self-care and aftercare as you heal and reflect on that experience, making sure your emotional and physical needs are being met. In the resurrection phase, the hero faces one final, often more intense challenge that solidifies their transformation. For dominance, the resurrection might be the moment you experience a deep realization about your role. Maybe a scene where you push your submissive partner in a new way, discovering even more facets of control. You may well face those doubts again, but this time you're stronger and you're more capable of handling them. For submissives, the resurrection is a profound moment of emotional and physical catharsis when you realize you've truly surrendered, but in doing so you've reclaimed that strength. You may face a challenge of trusting more deeply or submitting more fully, but this is the moment you realize that submission is not about weakness, but about a profound strength and surrender that you did not know was possible. Resurrection can also come through if you find that the dynamic is ending. And those challenges and those self-doubts and those am I worth it moments. They're all about facing these final intense challenges and pushing through, keeping your sense of self whole. So finally, we come to the return with the elixir. The hero returns home, bringing back that wisdom or power that they've gained and coming back to what we would consider to be the ordinary world. For us in the BDSM world, this might mean integrating everything you've learnt into your life and your relationships. And whether it's about sharing your experiences with others, mentoring a new DOM or a new sub, continuing to build a relationship with the partner that reflects everything you've learned, it is bringing things back to the relationship stronger and more grounded than before. It could be about being able to communicate more clearly, express desires more openly, maybe guide people who are new to the scene and become the mentor for them that someone else was for you. This transformation is making you stronger. It means you're now walking with a deeper understanding of your own power and what it means to surrender. So the hero's journey, the complete journey applied to BDSM, is not something that happens over a matter of a day or two. Whether you're a dominant or a submissive, those stages, that process, reflect the deep transformative work that BDSM can offer. It is a journey of self-discovery. It leads to growth. It can lead to very deep emotional connections. So we're not stopping here. In some upcoming episodes, we're going to dive into some other crucial topics that I know you'll love. We're going to have a look at breath play, what it is, what the risks are, how to practice it safely with trust and communication. We'll talk about things that a lot of dominance struggle with. Managing confidence drops. And it's normal to experience moments of doubt. How do you bounce back stronger? And finally, we'll delve into a really tough subject. What do we do when sex stops? How do you navigate intimacy in these sorts of relationships when your sexual energy or indeed capability wanes, especially in long term dynamics? So stay tuned and get ready for more deep dives into the world of kinky. I'm Philistine. And this has been Getting Kinky with Philistine. Thank you for listening.