Episode 12: Why You're Eating Your Feelings (And What to Do Instead)

Emotional eating isn't a willpower problem. It's a nervous system problem. And if you're a woman in midlife, you're dealing with hormonal shifts that lower your tolerance as well as make your stress response way more reactive.

In this episode of Midlife Musings, we get honest about our own relationships with emotional eating and why so many women turn to food when life gets uncomfortable. We also chat about how we help our own clients build a toolbox for what to do instead. 

The goal isn't to shame yourself out of it. It's to understand what's actually happening in your body when emotions feel too big and have real, in-the-moment support systems to work with them, and in a way that honors your goals and how you want to feel long term. 

In this episode, we cover:

• What emotional eating actually is and why it's so common 
• The connection between your nervous system and the urge to eat
• Why willpower alone will never fix this
• Practical ways to regulate your nervous system when uncomfortable emotions hit
• How to start building awareness around your triggers without judgment

If this one hit close to home, share it with a friend who needs to hear it, and leave a review if this one resonated. It means the world to us and helps other women in midlife find us. 

And make sure you're following Midlife Musings so you never miss an episode. New episodes drop every Monday. 

Connect With Us:

@marcinevin 

@eats_by_dre_nutrition

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

My friend, here we are. Yes, here we are on a different day than Sunday.

SPEAKER_01 0:05

A totally different day, yes. I kind of like this time, I gotta be honest. You know, I was it's so funny. I was totally thinking this morning that like I am I just do better in the afternoons. This is like when I feel my best and most focused, productive. Yes, like the mornings, like I'm just a slow start. Like I don't like to talk in the morning, I don't like to do anything fast. I you know, it's just I want to be left alone, I want to go for a walk and just be in my thoughts. And so like I don't hit the ground running till like 11. Like that's when I really feel like okay, I'm ready to to get into it.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

So well, we usually record around 12 30.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

Yeah, so I've usually at least like gotten into a room, but Sundays are different. To me, just like a col a totally different day. I don't know about how you feel about that, but oh no, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

So like I'm still always doing something. I have a lot of things scheduled on Sundays. I go to the gym, I have a call with a friend every Sunday that we've been doing now for I think four years. I think she lives in Atlanta. I count on one hand the number of times that we've actually missed, and then now the podcast, and there's always some sort of work for the business to do, whether it's content creation or you know, so you never fully shut off. But yeah, it's just like it's nice to have more time, and that time goes a little bit more slowly because you're not doing everything else that you are during the week. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

So that's my my lazy day. I try to give myself the day off. Sometimes it happens.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

More times it does not, but I feel like I'm just a momentum person. So I really thrive on momentum and I understand the utility and taking a day off and just letting your brain have a break, even your body too. But I feel like for me, because I'm a one-man show over here, and I don't just have my coaching business, there's a lot of other things that I do as well. Well, uh, tomorrow, not anymore. I'll have one less thing, which I am so excited about that where I just like was feeling very spread thin. So yeah, I feel like getting a little bit caught up on Sunday is nice because if not, then I just feel behind going into the week. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:23

Yeah. It's it's uh catch 22 because I can be like that too, but I try to be present for family and friends on Sunday, otherwise I get accused of being a workaholic.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

And well, I have made an intentional effort to pour more into my friendships over the past couple of years, and I really have done that. And I'm usually the one having to arrange the plans and make it happen, but it has been very rewarding and fulfilling. So, like last Sunday, I would I think that was the day we were supposed to record, and then you had a birthday party or something. I was going to visit my friend, it's like an hour drive. So yeah, having Sundays for that is really nice as well.

unknown 3:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

I also I don't think you I don't know when your check-ins check-in days are, but it's not Monday, right? Or you don't do it all in one day.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

Uh no, I don't do it all on Monday. Typically, I used to do like check-ins every single day, but now it's more Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

Yeah, Monday is my check-in day, and I try I mean, they're due Sunday night, so that Monday that's all I'm doing. Um so part of Sunday just kind of being off is like I'm gearing up for because it's a big day. It's a long day of check-ins, and so that's but that's part of it is trying to like fill my own cup so that I can go into check-ins feeling feeling good and yeah, yeah, being present.

SPEAKER_00 3:50

On Monday, I've got check-ins, but I also have three in-person clients. Okay, and my first one starts at seven, my last one ends at five, and then I'm doing my own lift as well. So Monday is a crazy day. That sounds like a pack day. Pack day. Yeah, absolutely. So I don't know. I've kind of like Twitter with the idea of not doing check-ins on Monday. And because someone told me this, I think it was another coach, maybe it was a mentor or something. Like, you know, a lot of times our clients they struggle on the weekends. Like that's one of the reasons they hire us. So if the weekend did not go to plan, then maybe they're really in their head and feeling ashamed or you know, like, oh, what I'm doing isn't working, there's something wrong with me because they had that bad weekend. So you're kind of like getting that in the check-in rather than giving themselves maybe a day or two to let it pass. Um, you know, not yeah, the distance, so they're not as emotional, which is you know, ties into the topic of today. Um, yeah. So I don't know, we'll see. But for now, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

Yeah. I don't know. I've done a lot of things over the years. I I started out by letting people pick the day that worked for them, and it meant I was doing check-ins basically every day. Um ultimately, like a full roster, it was just too hard. I, you know, I I needed to not be doing check-ins every day. Um, and then eventually it was like, I ideally, honestly, I think I would love actually for the client check-ins to be Fridays going into their weekend, and then to have the weekend to prepare for the new week. But honestly, like it's just too hard for me. Um Fridays tend to just be need to be flex days, so I can't tie myself to the office. Could you have your flex days be earlier in the week? It's like family tends to stuff happens on that day or or just towards the end of the week. And I tend to sub more towards the end of the week. Um, people just tend to be want to be out on Thursdays and Fridays, and so hopefully though, we're moving away from subbing, so maybe that changes. I don't know. I just I also feel even though I'm not tied to a work week as much as when I was teaching, I still feel it. Like Mondays feel like a new week and I feel like renewed and ready. Whereas like by the end of the week, like today, like I'm tired, you know, and I'm feeling I don't and I don't want to go into Friday like as my biggest work day, feeling already like you know, burnt out, basically.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. So I now that I'm not doing that other part-time job that I was, that's the thing that's ending tomorrow. Hallelujah. Like Friday, I'm really trying to not put anything when it comes to online client work. Obviously, I'm gonna be creating content. I have one in-person client on Fridays, I'll do my own lift. So it's also be doing stuff, but I'm hoping that there's gonna be more time and space to work on the business, not necessarily in the business, so to speak. But I have that more like creativity because I I really have not had that. So I'm excited. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

I love that for you.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

I do too. And then I'm uh currently sitting again. I have so many jobs. I'm basically gone the entire, not the entire month of April, but I would say half of April.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

And I got to the place today, and it's a gated community, 20 minutes or so from my house. And I've been here before, so I figured that I was just on the list all the time, but I guess that's not how it works. And so I say my name, say the house's name and the address, and he looks at me and he's like, No, you're not on the list. I was like, Excuse me. I'm sorry, you're you're not on the list. And I'm like, This is the name, this is the address. Nope, I can't let you in. I'm like, I have to be let in. Like I'm watching their dog. I've got to beat it, I've got to let it out. He's like, Nope, sorry. And I'm like, please, can you just allow me this one time and then call her, get me on the list? And he's like, No, I could lose my job. So I tried to call her and text her, and she the phone was turned off. So clearly she was still on the plane. I'm like, okay, this is a nightmare. And then I was worried about, you know, being late for our recording. So I was like, well, Target's about 10 minutes down the street in a good old part anyway. Yeah. And uh, I was telling you this offline, but I gave up caffeine for Lent, specifically Diet Coke, Coke Zero, energy drinks, and it ends today, but I'm gonna take it through tomorrow. So I'm like, I'm gonna go get my beverages to have tomorrow. And yeah, so on my way, she called me. She's like, I'm so sorry, like you're good to go now. So here I am, here we are. I'm glad that I didn't have to yeah, push it off. So we're all good. Yay. And you did not give anything up for Lent, right? I did not, no. No, no. Do you have PTSD from um I mean what's that? This is my first year. I mean, I was raised Catholic and I never practiced Lent. So this is the first time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

Um, I just for lots of different reasons, but I mean, I if I'm ever in a position where I feel like I like caffeine is something that I try to give up once a year. Um, I usually just wait till it's a meaningful moment, not just because everybody else around me is doing it. Um and I can be a little bit of a rebel like that too, where I'm like, oh, just because everyone else is doing it, I don't want to do it. I don't love New Year's resolutions either. Like, I don't know if that's a the Taurus in me or the Enneagram one, but like I don't need I don't need monuments like that to do things like that. I I'm usually very like internally motivated. So like if I just get on a kick where I'm like, okay, I need to make a change, or like I just it's time for me to give up caffeine for a little bit, I just do it. Like it's just it works better with my psychology to just do it on my terms than for sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:44

And I mostly the same way, but I was doing a protocol leading into Lent that was 18 days, and I had to give caffeine up for that. And then I realized because someone said it, I didn't even realize that it was Lent. Yeah, don't practice Catholicism anymore. I heard someone say it. I'm like, you know what? Not that I feel like I need to do it, I've already given it up. I know that I can, I've done it before. Let's just see how long we can take this and make it like a challenge more than anything. I didn't feel like I was abusing it by any means. Yeah. Like, yeah, I think it's a good practice in resiliency, self-advocacy, you know, proving to yourself that you can delay that instant gratification. And even on those days where, you know, you really want something or you go out to dinner and that's usually the routine, like, no, you don't have to. And that proves to you that you are strong, you are capable. And I think there is some utility in that. So But I'm ready to go.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

Yes. Have you read The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter? I have not, but I do want to read that. Such a great, such a great read. I recommend it to clients all the time. But the idea that, like, one, we live in a very comfortable society. I mean, that's just what happens when you become more and more wealthy. You just find more and more ways to make life easier, and that's lovely. Um, but at the same time, we've lost a lot of our resilience. So it's like now we have to go looking for ways to be uncomfortable. Um, because yeah, like like you're saying, there's a lot of benefit to doing hard things and the resiliency and the confidence in like, oh, I just did that thing, and it starts to bleed into other areas. And you know, what you and I do does require discomfort and you know, depending on your upbringing and you know, your background, some people just really have a hard time being uncomfortable. And so I yeah, I I have a client who just ran a marathon and I'm like, I love this. I love that you look for channels. She did like a Hyrux before, and I'm like, I love that you do that stuff because it's it's rare that people really push themselves, you know, whether it's mentally, physically. And that's a great thing to just build yeah, resilience and strength in all areas of life. I mean, I just know like so I did CrossFit for like six years back in the day. That taught me so much about mental toughness and myself. Um I don't do that anymore. It's too extreme for me, but at 47. But like I walked away from that, like all of a sudden I was like, oh, I'm strong, and like I can do these things that are really difficult, and I can I can do a hard workout. Um, and the feeling afterwards is pretty amazing. So anyway.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

I I did something similar, it was not CrossFit, it was more powerlifting. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

It was you're probably in the same gym as uh we had powerlifters in the CrossFit gym.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Oh, yeah. I mean, it was one of those big warehouse gyms where you walk in and the heavy metal is just like so loud and screaming. And I only did it because my ex-boyfriend at the time was doing it and he was competing. I mean, this guy could lift, he could deadlift 800 pounds, he could squat a thousand, yeah. And it was more me feeling ashamed about myself and kind of like wanting to be competitive, knowing that I would never get to his level, nor would I really want to. But I was like, oh, I want a piece of that, so I'm gonna come train at your gym. It was totally ego, and I hated ever I you know, I drank the Kool-Aid for the first month or so, and then it was clear as day, this is not for me, but I have never been pushed so hard mentally or physically. The coach made me gain 15 pounds in three months. Yeah, he kicked me out because I was half a pound away from the weight that he wanted me to be, like on that day. So I had to do the walk of shame out of the gym. I ended up coming back again, ego and pride. Um, but those workouts, man, they were so intense because you were doing like CrossFit style, he calls them medleys, but I guess awad before you even got into the heavy lifting.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

Okay. So fatigue you first.

SPEAKER_00 13:57

And then oh my gosh. It like pushing the prowler, doing battle ropes. Like I mean, it but it shows you what you're capable of. Um, but to the point where I would literally lose sleep the night before, I would be so, and then just it fried my nervous system. So, like you said, you just you can't do that.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

Yeah, I did it until I was 40, and then I was like, I just don't see myself doing this long term. It's just it was hard and it was I was breaking down, and so that's when I found bodybuilding.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

So much better. Yeah, I went back to bodybuilding. I'm like, uh, I'm home again. But but speaking of oh the the comfort crisis, I feel like you and I are at the point now where we've been lifting for so long. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still get a little bit nervous before a hard workout, especially lower body day. Like I know I've got legs tomorrow and I've got Bulgarian split squats and heavy leg press, and I'm already a little bit nervous for it. Yeah. But it's different. And like, so I'm at the point now, and I don't know if you feel the same way, where I need to challenge myself in other ways because this is no longer a novel stimulus. And I think four years ago, right around this time, I remember it was Mother's Day weekend, I went to Idaho to visit my cousin. And it was right around the time when Andrew Huberman was becoming really popular, and he was talking about ice baths and cold showers. And there was this other girl, her name's um Alessandra Scutnik. She's been an online coach for years, and I was following her, and she started to take the cold showers. And I remember being in that hotel room, and I woke up and I just kind of felt off. And I knew that I was gonna have a long day ahead of me, you know, being on socially and all that. I'm like, I'm gonna take a cold shower, and I did, and it was miserable, I think every moment of it, and but I felt amazing afterwards, and I kept that going for I think two years every morning, even in the dead of winter, you know. Um, and I don't do sometimes I do it still, like if I wake up just feeling really groggy and not great, um, I will do it, and it certainly wakes me up. If I have a headache, it takes it away. But yeah, I feel like we always have to be doing things because we will adapt to that stimulus or that challenge, and we need something else to you know get us out of our comfort zone. So it's probably time for me to do something else. Uh, I don't really know what that's gonna be, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Agreed, yes. There I did cold showers for I've never done like a full cold plunge, um, but definitely I had a coach, oh god, I don't even know. It was probably around the time, yeah, when this was much more popular. Tell me I had to do that every day. And I did it for a while, and I think it's it's great in terms of doing something uncomfortable. Like it's certainly every time it does not get easier. Actually, I feel like it gets harder because you know how uncomfortable it is, and the fact that like it will not ever feel good, it's just more of you know what to expect, which for me is actually worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So true. Um, but yeah, that's about it. I'm like, clients ask me about you know, cold plunging and all that. I'm like, you know, do it if you want to like build some resilience and mental toughness, but it's not gonna be a magic pill. But it certainly will wake you up. I mean, that adrenaline will definitely get you feeling good, but well, we were talking last week, week before about dopamine.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

And so much of us are just cheap, cheaping, chasing the cheap forms of dopamine in scrolling, online shopping, food, alcohol. So we need to tip the scales. And the way you do that is to seek out the unpleasurable forms of dopamine. So that would be hard exercise, cold showers, anything like that. And then that will, you know, kind of balance it out.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

So yeah, it is important to do that. I for sure. That's actually a great, I think, segue to our topic today because so we're gonna talk emotional eating. Um, but something I kind of relate it to is, you know, a lot of times emotional eating is really a l a search for dopamine. So, um and of course, what's the best, you know, and I tell clients don't feel bad that like you want to like dive into a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream, you know, when you're bored or upset or, you know, even happy or whatever, like that's your brain just going, Oh, like that's a dopamine hit right there. Um, and it's so easy to do um and access, you know. I guarantee you, you probably have food in your house that you would love to eat when you're, you know, emotional or just binge on in particular.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

So, anyways, we'll it's interesting too because I curate my environment at home for success, and people will say, Oh, you've got such willpower, you have so much self-control. And I think I do have more than the average person, but I'm human too, and it's really interesting because I have been doing so much of this house sitting late recently, and you go into these people's homes, and the food is everywhere, like they're not snacks, right? They are not eaten like me. So the temptation is around me, and I do have to utilize that willpower, that restraint, and delay that instant gratification because yeah, a day well, I mean, I think I came in here today feeling a little bit stressed, just knowing because of what had happened earlier, and I was frustrated, like, oh um yeah, things didn't go according to plan. So, what do you want to do in those situations? You want to soothe with food. Sure. And it was funny because like I even went into the pantry, I'm like, is there anything I can eat in here? I mean, I was planning to make my meal, but like I again, I wanted that novelty of something different. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, so you do it, there's nothing wrong with you. It's just, yeah, your brain seeking that comfort.

SPEAKER_01 20:07

Yeah. I and I think actually it's James Clear, you know, Atomic Habits, he talks about how people who are the most disciplined, it's really that they're using discipline very little because, like you said, they set up their environments, they just don't put themselves in a position to have to use it. Like that's actually the trick. It's not, I mean, certainly you can develop discipline and um, and I think that's wise and that we should do that. That goes back to like doing hard things. Yes, you should do that um on purpose. But at the same time, it's like, why are we trying to do that more? You know, in terms of like, why are you gonna keep the tub of ice cream if it's gonna be so difficult to resist? Like, why don't we just save that? You know, like my mentality is there are certain foods that I really love and I have a hard time moderating, and so I don't bring them in the house. And it means if I'm gonna have it out in the world, it's probably worth it. You know, maybe I'm out to a nice dinner or it's a celebration. So it's like better context than like just a Tuesday afternoon where I'm just bored or tired or you know, just looking for some dopamine, you know, like to me it's like, well, that's dumb.

SPEAKER_00 21:15

And in those situations, I feel like you may not even enjoy it as much. Yeah. Because it's emotional and it's not intentional. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

So I would say personally, and then also in working with clients, one of the hardest parts about emotional eating is that it's very hard to just sit with negative feelings. Um, I know I'm Gen X. I don't think you're a millennial, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

I'm like a very young Gen X. I so sometimes I feel like a millennial, and like right on the line there. But nobody like I didn't grow up with emotional intelligence. That wasn't something that was talked about. And, you know, I was raised by boomers. I love my parents, but like they also, you know, were Given those tools, so you know, it was very much like you hold everything in, you have like you're you're strong on the outside, you know, you do what you're supposed to do. There's no crying, you know, and so there was no like naming feelings and articulating, and then like also sitting with disappointment or frustration or anger, you know, it was just all about like just stuff that down, do what you gotta do, be a good girl, you know. So I feel like I know Gen Xers, and I feel like millennials, especially like you're fairly close to my age. What are we, six years apart?

SPEAKER_00 22:33

I'm 42.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Okay, I'm 40, I'm about to be 48, 47. So yeah, like we grew up under the same system where just we we don't have tools, you know. It's like, oh shit, okay, I'm sad, and that's okay. And now I gotta deal with that.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Mm-hmm. Right. And you know, it's interesting because there's a lot about my childhood that I remember, and then there's a lot that I don't. And I I still this day I'm a crier. So if my parents ever got upset with me, I always be, you know, um, but but they never told me, like, oh, you know, stop crying, just you know, suck it up. Like that was not the case at all, from what I remember. But there also wasn't any education for lack of better word, of how to deal with those heavier emotions that were coming up. I think my mom was definitely better about it than my dad. Um, because I remember being, I think I was in fifth grade and having some struggles with friends and all of that. And she definitely held space for me, that's for sure. It wasn't just like, oh, you know, you're making this into a big deal, like you're fine. I remember her definitely being consoling and whatnot. Um, and you know, when I was really young, like my dad and I were super close. And so it wasn't necessarily, oh, let's talk about your emotions, but we all we had this like really nice connection. And as he got older, and I think as his stress with work started to build, he really became more emotionally shut off. And I mean, talk about loose canon, man. Oh gosh, it's like, oh, where does Marcy get her irritability and her like you know, like because I can fly off the handle too? I don't anymore, but when I was younger, oh, I could be like ragey. I think I told a story, I don't know if it was on the podcast. I know I shared about it on Instagram that I used to like get in fights with men at the gym. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

Were you provoking those on purpose?

SPEAKER_00 24:35

Uh no, I wasn't provoking them. Well, well, was it uh it was more, yeah, just like men doing stupid shit and me calling them out and then them, you know, like talking back, and then I would talk back to that. So yeah, I definitely, you know, had that in me for sure. So, but everything is modeled, so we pick up on the behavior that was modeled to us for sure. Yeah. So my dad was more one to keep his emotions in. He's definitely not an emotional eater. He was more the type that would go all day without eating and then overeat at night, but not in a like bingey type of way. My mom, however, she's not listening to this, so I can I can check. I'll never forget this. And I was young and I still recognize like that's not right. I walked into the house one day, and how their house is set up is their family room attaches to the garage. And at the time they had a desk in the family room. So I walked in, she was doing work at the desk, and she had a very stressful career in uh education, special ed administration. Um, so you can, I'm sure, relate to that. But I caught her eating a box of brown sugar with a spoon. Oh, and I saw, and she was like mortified, and she tried to like throw it under the desk. I'm like, I saw you. And I would you know, I would find like fast food bags and whatnot in her car. So clearly she was emotional eating out of stress. Yeah, yeah. But that was never talked about.

SPEAKER_01 26:15

Yeah, not at all. But yeah, I so same. I don't really have a whole lot of childhood memories.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

Um isn't that wild? I really don't. It's sad and I don't know what that is.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

I don't either. I'm like, is something wrong that like I don't remember a whole lot? Like, I don't know. It's possible. I don't know. I got all kinds of trauma, but I was gonna say, um, do you follow the holistic psychologist? I think so.

unknown 26:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:46

Yeah, I stopped following her. Like, I was just like hooked on her stuff in the beginning, and then I heard some stuff about her that I didn't really like, and so I stopped following her and then I re-followed her. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

Yeah, there's two that sound really similar, and I know there's one I definitely unfollowed. I don't know if that's it was her or not.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

So yeah, but she does say that if you don't have childhood memories, it's because for whatever reason you were experiencing some sort of trauma that you were trying to dissociate from. So even if it's like that like capital T trauma, even little T traumas, like, yeah, you know, your parents are a little bit emotionally dysregulated and they yell or they fight and they take it out on you. You know, that can be one of the reasons. But I mean, overall, I remember having a very good childhood. So I don't remember I don't know why I have so few memories. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

Yeah. I I'll I'll agree. Like, I mean, my parents are wonderful. They not perfect, I mean, but nobody is, you know. I think they did the best they could with what they had, and they're lovely and they love me and my sister dearly. Um, I just think like that generation just didn't have the tool set, right, to deal with like emotional intelligence. And like I am sure, I mean, they had me really young. They had me at 20. So yeah, I I am sure that I was probably raised in a bit of chaos. Like, I mean, I had two 20-year-olds, you know, raising me like uh halfway through. I I just remember turning like 30 and going, Oh my god, you already had a 10-year-old, like I don't even know how you were doing this, you know. And like so we joke, my mom and I, that we basically grew up together. Um we kind of have that kind of um it's more like at this time in life, now that I'm an adult, we're more like sisters, I think, because we're so close in age, you know. Um, but anyways, I I'm sure, like I feel like I disassociated a lot, and that's why I'm like very like I had to like go through therapy to like just learn how to articulate my feelings and whatnot. And I again I'm not trying to blame my parents. I think it's like generational, like we just weren't in a place in the world where that was something we talked about, and you know, even outside of my home, like just wasn't the language, it wasn't how school was done, you know. I so you know, you get older and then things happen and you're like, I don't I don't know what's going on. I mean, I just remember that was like the worst question my therapist could ask me is like, what are you feeling right now? And it'd be like, Oh god, I don't know. That's why I'm here. You tell me.

SPEAKER_00 29:11

Right, right. And often what we're feeling isn't necessarily what we're truly feeling. So it's more a blanket emotion because we don't have the words to articulate or like I guess that emotional intelligence to really get more granular. So something that can be helpful for this is the emotion wheel. Have you heard of that?

SPEAKER_01 29:35

Oh, yes, that's so helpful. That was my therapist, my last therapist, because I I think I had three. My last one was probably my most productive. She introduced me to that. And I was like, oh my god, this is what I needed. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 29:47

Oh, it's like, oh, I'm I'm mad, I'm angry, I'm stressed, I'm worried. It's like, no, let's dive a little bit deeper, and then you can really articulate what you're feeling. Because the better you can articulate it, then the easier it's gonna be to take action to alleviate that emotion.

unknown 30:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:08

I think what's been really helpful for me also is to understand like negative feelings we'll talk about, because obviously everybody loves to feel good. Um, that that stuff it comes and goes. It's kind of like a wave. Like, you know, you might feel angry, you might feel frustrated, you might feel, you know, whatever it is for a while, for like a wave coming on in, but it eventually it recedes, right? And so that's what's helpful to just understand. Like it's not gonna last forever, it won't intensify forever. And the less we resist it, right? If we just let it like I'm sad. Okay, let's sit with that, you know, and just be sad for a moment. Like it actually goes away, you know, and that's actually what's helpful rather than like suppressing and having to put on airs or even just not, you know, disassociate and not even want to deal with it. So it's been like, oh, okay, I can sit with, you know, whatever the feeling is, it will pass. And because I sit with it, it will allow that, right?

SPEAKER_00 31:06

And then I don't have to dive into a dozen donuts or well, and you know what's fascinating, and this is there's actually been research done on this. An emotion only lasts for 90 seconds.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

Oh, look at that. Great, even better. I was thinking about it.

SPEAKER_00 31:21

Yeah, and I feel like you know, if you're if you're thinking back to it, the times that you've been really upset, I mean, you can probably like correlate that, you know. Um and but to your point, if you are suppressing it with food or alcohol or really any numbing substance, then you are elongating the amount of time that you are in that emotion. So even if temporarily the substance is alleviating it, once that's done, then you are back in that emotion again. So, yeah, if you can just sit with it and let it move through you and remind yourself, this is not going to kill me. And there have been how many emotions that I've experienced in my life, how many times have I been in this same or similar situation where I did feel this emotion was just too much to handle and to sit with, and you got through it.

unknown 32:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:23

So the same can be true for the next time it happens. And really, I mean, we can give you all the tips and the tools to deal with emotional eating, like, oh, call a friend, take a bath, go for a walk. And there is utility in all of that, but I feel like if you really want to deal with emotional eating at its core, it's just sitting in the discomfort and letting it move through you. That is going to build resiliency, self-trust, capacity more than anything.

SPEAKER_01 32:55

I I think it helps to reduce the pressure of something's wrong with me. I mean, because there was this um, I think I read it somewhere, I don't remember where, but it was basically saying as humans, we are emotional beings that are sometimes logical. And in my mind, it's the opposite. I am a logical being who is sometimes emotional, but that is not true. Even for somebody like me who's, you know, um very structured and you know, very like repetitive, and I try to be in my I try not to like um be reactive, I'm still emotional. That is how I am built as a human, and it's taken me years to really kind of accept that. And um but certainly yeah, I think just reduces some of that pressure of like, okay, you're an emotional being, and this is how you do life. That's how we all go through life is emotionally. So sometimes you're logical, that's great, but that's not that's a rarity, right?

SPEAKER_00 34:01

So yeah, and I think just in the world we'd live in, you know, it's so much easier to be triggered these days, just because like the stimulus that we're surrounded by, you know, at work, online, uh, you know, in our relationships, it's just it's everywhere. So yeah, we're constantly being bombarded with situations that can make us emotional for whatever reason.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

Well, and going back to I think even the premise of the comfort crisis is that we live in a society that's built for comfort and almost um escapism. Um and you know, is that because of of like this hustle culture where it's like do do do and we glorify people who are extremely busy and you know, are workaholics, or you know, is it because we're really kind of just leaning into the comfort side of things? I don't know, probably both, but um we certainly just do not help ourselves out. And I mean, I can't tell you how many clients where it's like I just I know already in watching them through the process that like they just really need to revamp lifestyle, they're just doing too much and it's never gonna be they're looking for outside answers when the reality is like they just really need to start reconstructing what they want out of life because and I think when you're doing too much, you shut off that intuition or the voice that is telling you what you actually need.

SPEAKER_00 35:38

And then if you're go, go, go all the time, you don't have the space or the capacity to even sit and slow down enough to ask yourself what you're feeling. And so you just push it off, like, oh yeah, I'm like you feel something. I think you feel a sense of urgency and overwhelm and stress, overstimulation. But going back to that emotional wheel, you don't really understand like what is the route. And once you can, then you can, and when you can articulate it, then you can come up with a plan to say, all right, this is how I'm gonna work through it. This is how I'm gonna get out of the situation.

unknown 36:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:20

Here's an interesting topic that's kind of been on my feed on social media. So my social media, both TikTok and Instagram, thinks that I'm a mom because I like a lot of stuff that's like toddlers and stuff. And then I think it's because I share stuff with my sister, so it's like picking up, like, oh, you must be, you know, mom. Like, no, but okay, that's fine. So I get a lot of a lot of parenting stuff. Um and so one thing, and I've seen it too in my nieces and nephews, is they have such a hard time being bored. And oh yeah, they just want constant play and like things to do, you know. And my sister and I often will be like, guys, just go outside, like just I don't know, figure it out, you know. Like, and of course, we're those old people like when I was young, I didn't have TV, I didn't have an iPad, and you know, and they're like, What'd you do? Like, we played, like mom and dad were like, go outside and I don't know, figure it out. So, um, anyways, the idea of boredom, um, that is really hard for me as an adult, even though I know I spent a lot of my childhood being bored because I was an only child until I was six, so I know I was bored at home. I know, and I remember like creating games for myself and like my cousins or friends would come over, we'd put on plays, and like, you know, we did all kinds of like fun creative stuff because we were freaking bored in the summer. And now as an adult, in this, you know, like I'm every moment is occupied. I am trying to introduce boredom. So that is hard. Oh my gosh, it's so hard. Like, I always want to have ears in listening to a podcast and learning, or you know, if I'm it's after dinner and house is clean, whatnot. Like, I just want to get on social media and scroll. And it's like, oh my god, I cannot just sit and do nothing.

SPEAKER_00 38:14

I can't, and I'm gonna be perfectly honest myself. I have a really hard time like focusing on just one thing. So if I'm watching TV, I'm on Instagram. Like that's that's wild to me, you know, but it's just it has hijacked our brains. And I'm going through this program right now called Soft Power, which is all about finding your authentic voice and speaking up for yourself and you know, not being a people pleaser, having stronger boundaries. But within it, there's this 30-day challenge called the authority reset, and it's all about creating this container or this, like what she calls a consumption bubble, so that you aren't always overstimulated, you're not consuming other people's content all the time. And you know, we were supposed to set some intentions for what those were gonna be like what our non-negotiables were gonna be for the 30 days, and I set mine and I have not been perfect with it. Yeah, um, I mean, I've I've gotten better, but certainly like I'm still picking up my phone and those just like idle moments at the grocery store when you're in line. And it's so funny because I go out on a morning walk every single morning and I bring my phone. And there's times when I'm listening to a podcast, when I am scrolling, when I'm replying to client messages, I've gotten better about being able to go for a silent walk or at least starting my walk in silence, and it has been lovely. But I see these like older people out on the trail, and I'm like, man, they're just raw dogging their walk. They've got no phone, no headphones. They are just out with themselves. And it's funny too, because I was doing cardio yesterday, and I can lift without music or without a podcast. I cannot do cardio without it. And oftentimes I'm listening to something, but I'm also watching Instagram stories like a fucking TV show, right? Just to like, because it is so boring and uncomfortable, and I want to do whatever I can to pass the time. And so I put up a poll. Yeah, just so totally. I'm I'm on it. And I put up a poll in my stories yesterday, and I said, What do you listen to when you're working out? Is it music? Is it a podcast? A mix of both. And then my the fourth option was just my own thoughts. And I'm like, that ain't me. Not that my thoughts are always negative necessarily, but yeah, I like the distraction. I mean, when I'm driving, taking a shower, I'd be listening to a podcast. So yeah, we've really got uncomfortable sitting in silence, and it's like people they're crawling out of their skin.

SPEAKER_01 40:58

So and I'm yeah, I'm right there with him. So it's interesting. So it was my nephew's birthday yesterday. Um, we celebrated him on Sunday, but yesterday was Astro's birthday, and his mom and dad took him. He's like very into Mario Brothers right now, and Yoshi in particular. And so the movie came out yesterday, the Mario Brothers movies, on his birthday. Like amazing. So, anyways, they took one and two out, and I stayed with the baby. And so after school they took him. And I was like, I'm gonna take her for a walk because it was really nice weather, and my back is still healing. It's it's almost it's a it's in a good place. I have finally turned a corner, I feel like, this week. Um, my quad is still numb, but I guess we're okay. Um anyways, I was like, I'm gonna take her out for a walk because then she won't demand that I pick her up. I can just push her in the stroller and like I just want to get out of the house. And we ended up oh gosh, I think we went for like a two-hour walk. Um I stopped at the store, we bought some bubbles, then we went to the park, then we came back home, and like I told my sister, you know what's so lovely about her is she just sat in silence. Like she didn't she loved it, you know, and I kept looking thinking she was asleep. Nope, she's just taking it in. We went to the park, you know, we had fun, then we came home and I fed her dinner, and like I just sat at her little table with her, and we both just ate in silence, like and it was so lovely for her to just be chill, and I was chill, and I was like, okay, we don't need screens, we didn't put Miss Rachel on not once. And I was like, Okay, we need to like continue and like foster that in her, you know, that like she can just be quiet and just chill, and like we just had so much fun, but I think that'd be a great opportunity for you to model that for her because so we just sat there and I was like, it's great.

SPEAKER_00 42:55

So I don't know where I heard this, but it was so sad to me. And because you and I grew up when there were not cell phones and social media and all that, and and actually, like I could probably ask you this, and you might have experience with it, but someone was saying that you know, I would walked into a uh a cafeteria at a school and it was silent, and you know why?

SPEAKER_01 43:18

They're all confronting them.

SPEAKER_00 43:21

That is so sad.

SPEAKER_01 43:23

It is. Uh so where I taught phones were not allowed, but they still had them. I mean, because they could have them on them, they were just supposed to be off, but of course they're not, and so it is a constant battle. I mean, as a sub, some days I just like forget it, I'm not doing this today. I'm not gonna care about phones, but like when I was teaching, it was just like, Oh my god, you guys, please put them away. Like, they're not even supposed to be. I literally, so this was not too long ago. I was subbing and a kid came up and he was like, Hey, can I step outside and call my mom? And I was like, I'm sorry, what? I was like, No. And he's like But she's texting me. I'm like, okay, first of all, your phone's not supposed to be on. So she should not be texting you or have the ability to. And he's like, and he just could not hear how wrong he was in that. Like, he's like, Yeah, but it's an emergency. And I'm like, honey, okay. I grew up in a time where we didn't have this. You see that phone over there? Your mom can call the school and they can call me if it's a true emergency. Like she cannot be calling you in class. And he just could not understand why I couldn't let him go step out into he's 12, mind you. Outside in the hallway to call his mom. And eventually it came out. It said he forgot his like clothes for practice, like soccer practice or something. And I was like, honey, that sounds like a you problem. And is it not my problem? You're breaking the rules. Put your phone away. This is not happening.

SPEAKER_00 44:47

Like, ah, yeah, so phones are a huge problem. Uh, I even read an article from a professor at a state university, and he even said he's now like this is kind of the the average of the kids. So it's not your I'm not at Yale or Harvard where you know kids are geniuses, right? But he said, what I have noticed over the years is for lack of a better word, the kids are getting stupider. They can't articulate, they can't write coherent sentences, they can't have just regular conversations. Like their ability to think critically has completely gone out the window. He said, and I know it's because of the phone usage and the social media and then always being plugged in. And he also said, you know, they'll sit down in class and within 10 minutes, they're getting up to go to the bathroom. He's like, they don't need to go to the bathroom, they want to go check their phone.

unknown 45:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:43

And he'll even call them out on it.

unknown 45:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:45

I make them leave it behind. If they have to go to the restroom, I tell them, okay, can you leave your phone on my desk?

SPEAKER_00 45:51

And then they're like, Oh, I don't actually have to go.

SPEAKER_01 45:55

Yeah. Or I mean it's that they do, but they still want to like sneak in, you know, whatever, you know. So you know, yeah, it's it's tough. Like, you know, it's I've been out of the classroom as a full-time teacher for four years now. Um, and even back then it was their attention spans changed so much in the 20 years that I was teaching and creativity, like kids just could not get creative. You know, I would try to introduce so I taught math and PE. So in math, I would try to do some creative projects because I do think that math and like art can go together and it's like an outlet for I think that topic. Um and so I would try to do I don't want to say fun, but like just more interesting and creative projects in math. And my god, the way that they just it was like pulling teeth, trying to get them to think outside the box and to like just have fun, you know, sometimes with creativity and like they just couldn't do it.

SPEAKER_00 46:55

And and it does make the question, and you know, I'm not trying to fault parents here because I'm not one, I'm sure it's a very difficult job, but where are the parents in all this? You know, why are they allowing it? Because you see it, but the wild thing is you see parents who are taking their kids to the park to play and not be bored, and they're on their phone scrolling away. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:18

I have a teacher friend who she said she and her husband decided they would not be on social media, um, just to be a better example for their son. Yeah, um, they're they were like, we're just never gonna go on it, you know. And I'm like, that's wise because once you're on it, it's really hard to, you know, detach or even just get yourself off those apps. So, you know, that was a that was um decision they made, and you know that's crazy because I don't know if I could do that for my kid.

SPEAKER_00 47:51

And to your point, what you were saying earlier, how so many adults are just busy and they're going from one thing to the next, and they likely just don't have that capacity, or I don't want to say resiliency is not really the right word, but maybe just the energy to even care. And so they're like, I'm so drained from the end of the day, or at the end of the day from everything I'm doing, I just don't want to have to fight the phone. So the phone's kind of a babysitter, so that I don't have to engage.

SPEAKER_01 48:24

It's it's such a balancing act. I mean, I don't don't envy my sister and my brother-in-law trying to raise three kids in this environment, especially as you know, they're millennials, you know, they're like you and I, where we grew up without it, but then came into it. So we're just as addictive as as kids are, but at least we remember a time when we didn't have it, you know, and I know they struggle with what do those boundaries look like? How do we, you know, want to encourage them to still do like things that kids are doing, but at the same time not allow it to take away. Like that's a hard I don't know what the answer is and as an educator for two decades. I I don't know because there are some good stuff. There's some good stuff out there, and I think they can learn from it. I mean, like the baby, she like comes out with stuff, and we're like, oh my gosh, she can count to 10? Like she's not even two. Where'd she learn that? Well, Miss Rachel, right? So that's YouTube. Right. Or like just different things, and you're like, what? Like, so clearly some learning happens, but yeah, I don't I don't know. I'm not a parent either. I'm just a proxy watching three humans being raised, going, that looks really hard. Yeah, I can bar barely raise myself, so totally, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:42

Parents have my utmost credit, so I I can only imagine how difficult it is. And there's no playbook for it, especially right now. Yes, it's all it's all so new and it's changing so fast.

SPEAKER_01 49:55

It's an interesting um dynamic of like I'm watching my sister and my brother-in-law, like it almost becomes you have to like reparent yourself and like fill in the gaps, you know, because nobody's parents are perfect, you know. This is I'm not bashing my parents at all. But you know, you always want to do better, right? The next generation. So I'm watching my sister, you know, try to like reparent herself and reheal and like you know, try to, you know, do even better for her kids. And like, man, this is a lot of work. And I'm like, oh great, I guess I gotta do this too, right? Because I'm their godmother. Um, you know, so anyways, I'm like a an adult that's around a lot. So it's like, yeah, parenting, you know, falls on me sometimes, especially when I watch them.

SPEAKER_00 50:41

And but also to your point about how the different generations are so different, I remember when my dad was around, he would become irate over the phone. So if I was on my phone, you know, like at the uh at the dinner table, or if we were, you know, watching TV or whatever, my mom was on her phone. Yeah, he would come unglued. And then my mom, if I'm on it too much, so if we're out and about, and at the end of the day, I was like, it's still my job. So there are messages that I need to reply to or whatever. So I think you have to give me some grace there. Like, yes, I am whipping out my phone to film b-roll. Sorry, uh, you know, be supportive of my business in some ways, and then you aren't in others. But yeah, both of them would get really frustrated when I'm on my phone or when they see other people. And so it's interesting to see like that generation be so against it, and then people who are our age who are raising kids, and they're the ones who are glued to it.

SPEAKER_01 51:43

It's yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the answer there is. It's very complicated. Here's what I do know is that my sister and her husband are doing a wonderful job of raising these kids to be emotionally intelligent. It's very important, I know, to my sister. And so, you know, kids get mad and kids have tantrums and whatnot. And so there have been times where you know I'm trying to like quiet or like help a kid that's like freaking out, and I'll get told. So they call me Nene. Nini, I just need space right now.

SPEAKER_02 52:15

And I'm like, okay, no, okay.

SPEAKER_00 52:29

I think going back to the emotional eating conversation because that's what we were starting off with in the first place. Like, if you can put that space between the stimulus and the response, that is where your power to make the most aligned decision lies. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 52:44

So I'm so excited. Like, these kids have that. I I think what happens is it triggers me because I want to fix it right away. I want to calm them or you know, make them feel better. So I'm trying all kinds of tactics and they're just telling me, like, hey, I need a moment, like, I need space. And I'm like, oh shit, okay. Okay, you're right.

SPEAKER_00 53:05

One of my friends who were the same age, both 42, she has two kids, and we connected, I think when she only had her dot the first child, and she said, It has been so challenging because like I've done so much healing work on myself, but when I became a mom, it was this mirror, and it showed all of these areas where I still have work to do, and that it brought up these triggers from my own childhood. I'm like, wow, that's fascinating. So when you said like you kind of want to, you know, make it feel better or make them feel better, it's probably because it's bringing up something in you that you didn't want to have to feel when you were a kid.

SPEAKER_01 53:50

Or just being uncomfortable with I'm like a people pleaser or recovering. I'm really trying to work on that. Yeah, it's hard for me to be in the presence of someone else who's uncomfortable. My an initial reaction is I want to fix it for you. You know, I'm also a big sister, so there's that piece, you know, or I'm very like protective, right? So it's like it's so hard for me to sit with your discomfort, but then that becomes about me, right? So this is where this like self-um awareness is super helpful and emotional intelligence to be like, Andrea, this is about you, not your nephew who's having a tantrum right now. Like he's fine. Yes, he's obviously not happy right now, but like at the same time, he's gonna be fine. He just needs to work through it, and you can just you just need to leave him alone right now. Like, okay.

SPEAKER_00 54:40

Um, I co-founded this group called, well, now it's called Emotional Freedom Fellowship, and it is rooted in the 12-step process of you know, AA, which I have not struggled with drug or alcohol addiction or anything for that matter, but what I would call more emotional addiction. And yeah, to my point earlier, like not being able to regulate my emotions and deal with them in a productive way, and it was ruining some of my relationships, like it's creating tension with my mom and my ex-husband, my ex-b, it was more like my very close, more loving relationships. And so I knew that I needed to get help with that. I went through the program, which I think is a program for life, not just for addiction. And then a couple of years later, me and my former health coach, we founded this group. And I have been doing that now for five years, I think. And we meet every Wednesday. And so we had our meeting yesterday, and he brought up a topic about how, you know, people who are kind of like emotional or even drug addicts, like we try to manipulate others so that we can feel safe and in control. And I don't do that with anyone else in my life, but with my mom, I really do. And I love her dearly. Like my mom was my best friend. I talk about her all the time. We spend so much time together, but she can irritate me more than anyone else. And she can be very controlling. So in situations where let's say it's a holiday and there's a lot of people around, she wants to like orchestrate everything. I think because she's feeling stressed and overwhelmed, so if she can control other people, then that like keeps her from feeling more peaceful or keeps her feeling peaceful. Um, but then because she tries to control other people, it makes me really uncomfortable because I don't want them to get annoyed with her. And again, that's the selfishness in me. I'm trying to control her because if I see them getting annoyed, then it's gonna make me uncomfortable. Also, I'm very protective of her. So and a therapist had to point this out to me. I was like, I don't know why it like she irritates me so much. And he was like, Because you are trying to protect her from other people getting irritated. I was like, oh, I never thought about it like that. So I think it's a little of both. We're like, yes, she can be irritating, and also I want to protect her. Just so fascinating, which is why awareness is always the first step to this, right?

SPEAKER_01 57:19

All of it.

SPEAKER_00 57:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:21

Yeah. Wow. We I I don't know if we we went deep or we went off job.

SPEAKER_00 57:29

Uh a little, maybe a little both. I love it. Yeah. But I mean, let's just like wrap it up and tie a bow on it. What would you say your best piece of advice is for someone who is struggling with that emotional eating or just like emotional dysregulation? And even if it's not eating, emotional scrolling, whatever it might be, that is yeah, impacting their life in a certain way.

SPEAKER_01 57:55

Yeah, I've been really leaning in, I'd say, the last year to self-compassion. Um, just because I I mean, I am somebody who comes from a very like background of like I'm a perfectionist. Um, you know, I if I want something done right, I have to do it. Like this very black and white and like hard mentality, and it's not served me. I mean, it has in some ways because it's hard not to be successful, but I've probably done it the hard way, right? Um, and I tend to attract type A's, perfectionists, right? And in just learning and my own self-development, um, self-compassion goes a long way. And you know, uh I think we if we can look at being dysregulated not as a bad thing, it's just it's a sign, something's off. Um, nothing's wrong with you. Again, you're an emotional being that is sometimes logical. That has served me very well to just accept and then find some self-compassion and be like, what do I need right now? Um and you know, that that can go a long way with people if that if that's one thing I can just offer in this episode.

SPEAKER_00 59:04

That would be well, and I think yeah, I do think you nailed it, and asking what you need in that moment is really the next right step. So, first I would say be willing to let that emotion be there for those 90 seconds or maybe it's a couple of minutes, and then just remember, like bring yourself back to the present moment. I have gone through discomfort before, I have gotten through it, I am going to be okay, like right now, in this moment, I am safe. And then, yeah, try to let it through or allow it to move through you because it will. And from there, then you can ask, what am I seeking from this behavior? So is it comfort? Is it connection? And then, based on that answer, is it stimulation? Like maybe you are bored and you need to do something. Again, I think there is utility in being bored. Um, I used to always say, Well, busy's better than being bored. I'm like, cringe, because yeah, like allow yourself to just let your mind wander and without immediately needing to stop it with something. But yeah, if that is too hard, like if you can't get there immediately where you just sit in the discomfort, then you can ask yourself, what is it I need? Is it a walk? Is it a call to a friend? Is it a hot shower? Is it um, you know, something that makes me laugh, that brings me joy? Like whatever is going to make you feel better can be helpful until you get to the place where you can just sit there and be okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:43

I mean, I think it all comes down down to being dysregulated and being able to handle that with grace.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:50

Um we're all a little dysregulated, let's be honest.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:54

I mean, it's the it's it is it is what it is. I mean, it's just kind of you know, where we are right now, it's uh it's reminding me that I was I subbed last Friday, and boy, did a kid just trigger me. And as I was being triggered, I was like, Andrea, you need to walk away because this is not helpful to anyone right now.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:17

And also, I don't think the goal is to never be dysregulated. Correct. Because if we weren't, I think dysregulation is a survival mechanism. So think about prehistoric days. Like if you were being chased by a tiger, you're not just gonna be calm and regulated and no, you're you're gonna feel that dysregulation and it's gonna get you to move. So we need a little bit of it, but there's something called the window of tolerance, and we want to be able to stay within that window of tolerance. So it's whenever we come out of it that we are overly dysregulated, and that's when the negative consequences can happen. So whether that is actual like physical illness if you're doing it too much over time, or it's the turning to those substances which are going to have a negative impact. Um, so yeah, it's more about staying within that window and just kind of like allowing yourself to to ride the wave, and a truly regulated nervous system will experience that dysregulation and then be able to come right back into regulation much more quickly than staying out of that uh window for too long.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:31

So that's the ultimate goal.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:32

Absolutely. Yeah. I know um one of the things you know, my sister and her husband are trying to teach the kids is like it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to like feel like these negative feelings, but what's not okay is like to hurt someone or you know, what you do, how you react. And you know, that it's you know, it's very powerful even for us adults. Like, you know, it is okay. It like literally when you were talking right now, I'm like, yeah, being dysregulated just means you're alive. Like you're not gonna get you're not gonna get away from it. So it's more okay, well, do you have the tools to be able to yeah, ride that wave and you know, work through it and then come through the other side in a healthy manner and and not hurt yourself or other people, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:18

And harm so really like one of the simplest tools is your breath. It is so powerful. So when you feel dysregulated, just pause, acknowledge, except right now I am feeling dysregulated. And what you can do, like big inhale, longer exhale, or there's like the box breathing where you know, inhale for four seconds, hold it, exhale for four seconds, hold it for four seconds, do that for a couple of rounds, and you will start to immediately feel yourself calm down. And again, that's that putting the space between the stimulus and response. And now when that regulation has um, you know, come over you a little bit, you're feeling more grounded, then you can make the next logical right choice.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:02

So all right, good stuff.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:04

Good stuff, great stuff. Now I feel regulated.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:07

So do I. I also have a damn dog that just jumped up on me. I gotta regulate his ass and gotta take her for a walk. There you go. There you go. All right. Well, we'll talk soon.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:22

Yes, good conversation. Absolutely. Bye. Bye.