Episode 18: Navigating the Hard Weeks — Grief, Stress, & Taking Care of Yourself

Some weeks are just hard. And this was one of them.

In this episode, Marci and Andrea get real about the kind of week that stops you in your tracks — the loss of a parent, illness, and all the stress and emotion that comes with navigating life's most difficult moments. Rather than pretend everything is fine, they chose to show up honestly and talk about what it actually looks like to keep going when life feels heavy.

Because midlife has a way of bringing all of it at once. The grief, the responsibilities, the pressure to hold it together, and the realization that you need to take care of yourself even when, especially when, you least feel like it.

In this conversation, Marci and Andrea share what they've been leaning on to get through, including:

• Moving their bodies, even when motivation is nowhere to be found, because exercise has a way of shifting something when nothing else can
• Eating well and being intentional about nourishing themselves during a time when it would be easy to let that slip
• Processing their emotions through writing, because sometimes you need to get it out of your head and onto paper before you can even understand what you're feeling
• Talking it out — with each other, with people they trust — because grief and stress were never meant to be carried alone
• Simply moving through it, one day and one moment at a time

This episode is for anyone who is in the middle of a hard season right now and wondering how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are not alone, and this conversation is proof of that.

If this episode resonated with you, we'd love to hear from you. Leave a review, share it with a friend who might need it, or reach out and tell us your story.

With love,

Marci & Andrea

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

All right, well, it's been a week for us. It has been a week to say the least. As one of my former clients used to say, what a year this week has been. Oh, that's good.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Yes. This week is about like I think, I don't know. I think it was this week, Monday. I went for a walk and I thought it was Friday.

unknown 0:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:23

So and that doesn't say it all, right? Right. And I I'll just come around and say it. It this was the worst week of my entire life. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

For you. Um if you want, you can oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

Um, so my dad passed away a week ago today on Mother's Day. I'm like, what kind of sick fucking joke is that? But I will say I was mad at him, like he really had. Although I will tell the story because I do think that people do have control over it to an extent. Animals as well. Same thing happened with my dog. It was like he waited, like he knew what was happening, he waited. And I think that my dad did the same thing. But anyway, yeah, I was upset that okay, now Mother's Day is gonna be tainted forever. It's gonna be that reminder of what happened. Although Mother's Day does not fall on the same day every year, right? It's still just he passed on Mother's Day.

unknown 1:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

So I was at my mom's house last night because I had to feed her dog. She and my uncle went to a wedding, and I will say I'm really glad that she has been keeping up with her social life. Just, I mean, yes, it is a distraction, but being around people and I think also people who knew my dad and could just, you know, share their sympathy, but also stories of him feel good at the same time, even though it can be hard. And I ran into their neighbor and he stopped. He said, Marcia, I want to let you know how sorry I am. And your dad was just the best, and we are gonna miss him so much because he really was. And everyone says that, not I shouldn't say everyone says that about their parents. When someone passes, they're like, he was the best, everyone loved him. They said, but then I'm like, no, you don't get it. Like this man had so many friend friends, you know, we called him the mayor because he was just gregarious and magnetic, and it's like people flocked to him, right? Um so anyway, uh, I was saying we are relieved that he's finally at peace because he suffered for so long. And we're also selfishly, and I felt really guilty saying this, we're relieved that we can uh move on with our lives because it has been a very dark cloud hanging over our head, and you're just always bracing for something to happen. It's it's been four years of this, which is uh so dysregulating for your nervous system and very stressful, emotional. Uh and he so I said, Yeah, it just kind of sucks that it happened on Mother's Day. And he's like, Well, uh the way I see it is your dad was giving your mom a gift. I feel like he did it on that day as a gift to her because he knows how hard this has been. He has seen what she's going through. He's like, and it's not even from the financial perspective because this has cost so much money to have him in assisted living for as long as he has been. It's like your dad was the finance guy, so it's not just about you know the money that she'll be saving, but yeah, just the stress, the exhaustion, and having to put so much of her life on hold. I was like, you know, Bill, that is so profound, and what a beautiful perspective. I really think that you're right.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:47

And so, like, I'll tell the story about what happened. I mean, he's been progressively declining for a very long time. By the way, people know he had dementia, right? So he had what's called Louis, we think Louis body dementia, which is a mix of Parkinson's and dementia. He also has suffered from major depression since I was about 21. And and that was fairly well managed. But when all of this started, it was about five years ago, we thought it was a relapse of his depression. So there were, you know, some signs and symptoms, but also he stopped eating, he stopped sleeping, drinking, all the things. Um, and so we admitted him to the hospital, and finally he did have to be admitted to like a full-on psychiatric unit. So he was there for about a year, and we were doing all of these things, trying to get him to improve. I mean, like this poor man, the stuff that that my mom and my brother, I was kind of out of the decisions, like they they chose to do, just like hoping to revive him, like shock therapy, where like he literally had, yeah, I mean was like put under and they shocked him and you know, really to no positive effect. So he did start to get a little bit better. Um, and then they moved him to sign at like a boarding care facility. And then while he was there, he got a massive kidney stone, which is something he's dealt with for as long as I've been alive, and it turned septic, so he almost died from that um and ended up in ICU, and then they moved him to my mom's house like a week later. I'm like, so my mom goes from like nothing to being a caregiver with a hospital bed and a catheter to deal with overnight. Like, what? No, it's a lot, it was a lot. So, anyway, long story short, we finally had to move him to an assistive living place because my mom, right after all of this, fell and shattered her patella. Oh, so yeah, she thought that she was gonna have surgery and she didn't, thankfully, but she was on crutches for six weeks. So she's like, I cannot take care of him. So we brought in 24-7 caregiving, and my dad was so um uh what's combative that he was like hitting them, swearing at them. They're like, sorry, we're out. Yeah. And so we had to put him into an actual facility. So that's where he was for the past two and a half years. But yeah, he's just been progressively declining ever since. Um, but because he's dealt with these kidney stones, he has to have these stints put in so that they don't get trapped and they have to be removed and replaced, you know, every so often. So they did that surgery about a month ago, and I did not feel good about it. I'm like, this man has no reserves. Like, yes, his vital signs are okay, but he is not well. Like, look at him, right? Um, he is skin and bones, he hardly eats, hardly drinks. So you're gonna put him under general anesthesia. Like, but again, I just didn't want to get involved. So I was like, all right, whatever you want to do. And he just never really the procedure itself went okay, but he just never really like recovered, I don't think, fully from that. And then he got an infection. And so from that point on, it was just kind of like, yeah, this again progressive decline. So my mom and I were supposed to be going to Chicago last week for my cousin's graduation. And we have been looking forward to this trip for months. Yeah. And I was so excited, you know, Mother's Day weekend, she's gonna get a break, we're gonna be around family, have a great time, and we had all these activities planned. But I told her, I said, Are you sure you want to go? Because I feel like it's kind of, you know, it's iffy. And she's like, No, I think that we should just go. They will call us if we need to come home. So anyway, we leave on Thursday, and from the jump, it was just one of those trips, right? Like we got on the plane just fine, but um there was really bad weather, so we were diverted to another airport. We were four hours late getting in, so didn't get it to the hotel until nine on Thursday. And then on Friday, we woke up, slept in a little bit, took our time in the morning, and then we had tickets for the architecture tour at 1245. So we walked down there and we were just having a hell of a time, right? Like, just so it was so nice. And five minutes before the tour was over, she gets a call from his hospice nurse. And she answers it and she's like, I'll call you right back. So we get off, she calls, and I'm in maybe like 20 feet away, and I'm watching her, and all of a sudden she just breaks down and she's like shaking. I'm like, oh my gosh. So I run over and I'm hugging her, and she's like, Oh my gosh, no, no. So like I knew he hadn't passed, but um, she's like, you know, what does this mean? Yada yada. So anyway, the nurse was saying, I think he is in transition. And what's challenging is transition can be hours, right, days, weeks, months. I'm like, this man has been in transition for fucking a year. Like I came home, excuse my language, but I came home from a trip last September because we thought it was at the end, right? Uh, and it wasn't. We've had so many false alarms. So here I'm just kind of like, are you kidding me? Again, like, we're gonna go back home and it's gonna be nothing. He's gonna come through, but we couldn't not go just in case. So it was just a matter of do we leave tonight? Do we leave the next morning? So uh we went and had the graduation lunch. It was really nice. And then she decided that we were gonna leave early on Saturday. And when we got off the plane, she called my brother who had been there. And he's like, you know, I think he's like doing a little bit better. I mean, not great, but I just don't think it's as imminent as she made it out to be. So I didn't go over uh on Saturday. My mom did, and she said, just make sure you have your phone on you in case something happens in the middle of the night. Well, my phone is always on silent. I thought that I had put it on ring. I did not accidentally. So I wake up on Sunday to texts and calls from her. I think you need to come. You know, my brother had gone, thankfully, but he made it through the night. I went over at 9:30, and by 11, his breathing had really started to change. He was wearing one of those pulse oxometers, so his oxygen was defining rapidly. And my mom is freaking out. So, and then she, you know, comes over. It's like, Michael, Michael, like breathe. And I was like, mom, just I understand this is so upsetting, but you gotta chill. Like, if it's his time, it's his time. So I went and I picked up his stuffed animals that he had had from when he was a kid, and I put them next to him, and I was rubbing his arm and just you know, talking to him, I'm here, dad. I love you. Thank you so much for everything. Like, I knew it was it was the end. I said, You gotta call Andy, who's my brother. So my brother gets there in about 20 minutes, and within a minute of my brother arriving, he was gone. So it was very, it like happened quickly. I mean, not quickly in the grand scheme of things, but like the the actual end happened very quickly, very peacefully. Um, I mean, the hardest thing I've ever experienced for sure. But I'm so glad that we came home when we did, we were all there. And yeah, I think he held on for when my mom and I got home. He held on because I wasn't there in the middle of the night. He held on for my brother. And yes, even though it happened on Mother's Day, I think this was him essentially saying, My gift to you is that you are freed from this burden. And it's funny because I told my mom the story. She had not heard that from the neighbor. And so I told her a few hours ago and she broke down. She's like, Oh my gosh, that's so beautiful. She's like, you know, it's so funny because your father hated visiting people. Like he would have to go visit his parents. And even from like a really young age, his dad, my parent grandparents were divorced. His dad would take him every weekend to like visit the aunt and uncles. He's like, she's what's she said, like he would always tell me, God, I hated every minute of that. She was like, he knew that visiting sucked, right? And he didn't want to have me to, you know, continue doing that. So anyway, it is it's very sad, but at the same time, it is a relief. I know he is in peace, and yeah, more than anything, um you know, my mom can finally just be somewhat at peace too. So that is that. Uh and if to put icing on the cake, Dre, I don't think I told you this. Uh-uh. I was on the plane coming home and I pulled out my computer, soaking wet.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Oh no, your old one or your new one?

SPEAKER_02 12:15

My old one. Oh, I didn't oh I didn't know if I told you I got yeah, I told you I got a new one. So this old computer of mine, it wasn't even that old. Like six years, I feel like that's not a bad. It's I can get my laptops maybe the last seven years. That's okay. Okay. Well, but I've had problems with it for two. So, you know, going like it, it's I feel like I should not have had that many problems with it. But anyway, um, yeah, it's been on its last leg for a long time, and I just keep pushing the boundaries. Nope. I'm gonna hold out a little bit longer. So I guess the universe finally was just like, yeah, we'll give you one more thing to put on your plate this week. And so sure enough, so I opened it and I was like, okay, it's still turning on. That's great. The screen is a little blurry, but the keys still work, and then all of a sudden it just goes black. And I'm like, yeah, it's a goner. So sure enough, I my dad passed at 11:30 on Sunday, and I was at the Apple store by three o'clock getting a new computer. But I'm like, oh, what a relief. Like, why did I wait so long? It's so lovely and it works, and like it's charging right now when because the old one was so shot, the battery, and that's what would happen. It would just shut down out of nowhere. And then if the battery died, it would be really difficult to turn back on. I could not charge it while also on Zoom, so that was a problem. But yeah, so people don't put off what you know you really need to do.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

I do it too, because I try, it's just such a hassle to trans transfer to a new laptop. Um, so I I do it myself too. I think honestly, a good laptop will last five years, and it's I'm always just pushing as long as I can go. And so, like I said, maybe I can get seven years out of it, but those last two years are always like a struggle. I'm on the struggle bus.

unknown 13:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:57

Well, and it's just the yes, you are it's a hassle to go down there. You don't want to have to pay the money, even if it's a tax write-off and do all the transferring. That's really what it was more than anything. It wasn't even about the money, it was I am the most tech illiterate person that you will ever meet. And I told a story, I think it was on my previous podcast, where I'm like, I stayed in a relationship because he was the tech person. So anytime I was like, oh, if I need a new phone, if I need a computer, he did everything. I don't know how to do all that stuff. But this was the easiest and most seamless trend. I didn't really have to do a whole lot. Great. I did it at the store just in case, but I didn't need to ask him a question or anything. I'm like, why did I wait so long? So anyway, here we are, new computer, which is great, but that's that's my story. And you, my friend, are in the thick of it too. What's going on on your end? You know, sorry for the damper of a podcast, people, but like this is real life.

SPEAKER_01 14:54

Yes, it is. And we've in your 40s. We could share a little bit of uh how you know the realities of midlife, yeah. And then you were kind of coping with that. So it's interesting, right? That you and I both kind of hit some pretty big friction. I don't even know what to call it, to be honest. Yeah, at the same time, um, everybody is alive on my end, but yeah, my mom is in the hospital. Um she, you know, she went in for a mystery pain that she had, so they did a little bit of an exploratory uh procedure. Well, that procedure triggered pancreatitis and a pretty, I would say moderate to severe case, not a very mild.

SPEAKER_02 15:36

And so, Dre, but back up for a sec. How does that happen?

SPEAKER_01 15:41

Do they and also can you sue for medical I know? I was immediately like, so when she went in for uh an endoscopy, which is you know, sending a mic um like a camera into your stomach, and then they can do an ultrasound of your organs from your stomach. It's in the paperwork that pancreatitis is a possible side effect. So they know that it can happen. So you have to sign saying you're aware that that is a possibility. So for whatever reason, basically, what happens with this type of pancreatitis? There are different types of them. Um, the pancreas just got irritated. That's probably like the best layman way I can say. And what's problematic is you absolutely need your pancreas to eat. Um, in fact, every time you eat, it's gonna release enzymes to help you digest and the whole shebang. And so she had the procedure, the endoscopy, ultrasound, and then um immediately was in a lot of pain, like more than she should have been. And so they kept her for a bit to kind of manage that, and then eventually they were like, Oh, you know, you'll you'll be okay. And they sent her home with um, I think probably some low-grade like pain meds. The evening did not go well. She was back in the ER the next morning, and she has been there now ever since, uh, because then they realized, oh, she has pancreatitis. So it it basically the procedure um just bothered her pancreas so much that now it's inflamed. And what was pro what was happening is she tried to just eat normally, and an inflamed pancreas now trying to like produce enzymes and do its actions was just causing and apparently it's like one of the most painful things. Um I've heard. Yeah, and so it took them a moment to figure out that it was pancreatitis, but once they did, now they're like, okay, well, you you basically have to be on like an all-liquid diet and basically stay there till your pain is managed until you can eat again. And it's there's like nothing to do except let your pancreas rest. Um I feel like part of the issue of why she's been there so long is one, it's it seems like it's a more moderate to severe case, is that the moment she starts to feel better, they'd start to push, okay, let's go to um like a a more intense food, you know, like the regimen, because they're trying to push her to eat solids so she can go home. But it would send her back to square one where she would just have a uh very painful attacks. So now we're gonna like, okay, now we gotta give more pain meds, and like so. We've just been in this cycle of like, oh, she gets better, and then they give her food, and then she regresses, and then she gets better, and they give her more food, and then she regresses. So um, yeah, so she's been in the hospital, and I think what's difficult is um my grandmother has Alzheimer's or she has dementia. We don't know that's Alzheimer's, yeah. And my mother is her main caretaker, and so that's very difficult. Um she doesn't understand, you know, and she doesn't remember. Um, and so she but she definitely has the concept that my mom's not around, and so it's freaking her out, and so I have become kind of her caretaker, so yeah, it's just been a lot, and on top of that, like it just happened to happen when I'm subbing the most. Like the month of May, there's literally one day that I'm not subbing that's a possible like sub day, which is very unlike me. I usually sub four to six times a month. Maybe eight eight would be like a really like busy month. This is gonna be 18 days.

SPEAKER_02 19:18

Um so um it's like the universe really likes to test us and and show us what we are truly capable of. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

So it's been a lot, but you know, I am very grateful for my own health and being able to do what I can um and be there for my mom and my grandmother. Um, but I mean, it's certainly testing my limits. Now, I I mean, my dad and my sister are also very involved, so it's not just me. I don't, I'm not doing this alone. So um they have been wonderful as well, uh all of us kind of coming together. But um, yeah. So I it was just like, oh man, like you're going through it. I am. I mean, so I mean, honestly, I don't mean this tritely, but it's I don't I was gonna say it's nice, it's comforting, you know, like talking with you because you're you're in it too, you know. Um, and I'm so like I was so sad to hear about your dad. That's um, gosh, you know. Yeah, thank you. Um yeah, but you know, I'm happy to like, you know, I was uh you we were talking a little beforehand how like a lot of times people will say, like, what can I do for you? I'll do anything, you know, and it's like first of all, I don't know what I need. I I'm over here just like I'm just trying to survive a day. Yes. Um but I one thing I had told you is like, hey, if you want to cry, if you want to vent, if you know, whatever, like those are things I know I can do for you. I could show up in the moment of like, because you know, you and I live thousands of or hundreds of miles apart. Um I can't do anything for you, but I certainly do it again.

SPEAKER_02 21:00

Just your support is enough. And yeah, I hope I was able to provide that, like a sounding board for you as well. Because yeah, sometimes that is all someone can do, but it can be really nice.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

And definitely, I want to say it's definitely helpful that like you have gone through like the the dementia thing because it's very hard. I mean, I think people are like, Yeah, that's hard, but like when you if you haven't been in it, it's it's a nightmare, to be honest.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

It's it's a nightmare, yeah. And some of what your grandmother is presenting with is what my dad was as well, and it's ugly, man. It really is the delusions and all of that.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

It's an ugly, ugly disease, you know, and it really does like rob you of your loved one, and so you know, it's like I'm sure you were going through a slow grief, you know. We too are losing my grandmother, and so it's hard. Like I am um moved. Between grief and then anger and frustration because sometimes she's just really unruly. Yeah, which is normal. It's a normal part of right dementia.

SPEAKER_02 22:12

Right. Right. But it's just, and you know, I will say my dad, and I shared a post about him yesterday with a bunch of pictures that really represented who he was at his finest, but he was not perfect. And I have a lot of his not so great qualities. So he was quick to anger. He was very irritable. It's kind of one of those situations where you treat the ones you love the most the worst. And that is very true. You know, I think part of it is he had a lot of pressure on him because he just like us, he owned a business. He owned a very large, successful business that had hundreds, well, maybe not hundreds, but uh tons of employees.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

And there was a time, I don't even remember what year it would have been, but you know, when a lot of businesses were struggling and he went without a salary for two years, I think it was, because he wanted to make sure that his employees got paid first while his business partner continued to take a salary and was also stealing from him unknowingly at the same time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh they were they eventually sold the business to another company that did something similar. And in one of the meetings, my dad's business partner, who was one of probably his best friend at the time, they were so close. He basically because I think they were going over finances and whatnot, and he admitted in front of all of those people that he had been stealing from the business. Like, it was like how embarrassing for my dad.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Um, but where I'm going with all that is, you know, he had a two-hour commute each way. Uh, at one point, he was also coaching high school softball. So the man had a lot of stress on his right. Oh, and then also his my grandparents were dealing with health issues. So he would drive from where his office was, sit in traffic for a couple of hours, and then go to my grandparents' house, cook them dinner, be with them, and then drive an hour home. So yeah, like no wonder you were irritable when you came home, right? Uh, but anyway, so I don't even know where I was going with all that. I I think just yeah, it's hard to it's hard to see people decline and be someone who they are not. But I'm like, you know, there were still parts of him that that could be that way, but anyway, he was never hitting people and swearing at them. And like he would literally tell my mom, who was going to see him every day, like, fuck you, get out. I don't want you here. It's like that's that is not my dad. Uh but like he punched my mom in the face a couple of times, he hit caregivers with uh you know his chair, it was just it was brutal. Um so yeah, but I think I have the anger too that my dad and I were very close when I was growing up. I was like he was an ultimate girl's dad. And then again, I think as I got older, as he started to have more pressure on him with his business, yeah. It just no, you're not quite as present. And so our relationship, it wasn't strained by any means, but it just wasn't as close. And we're both very introverted at the same time. So I think that kind of played a role. So I feel like where a lot of my grief is coming from, and I know is gonna continue to come from, is I feel like everyone else in his life, even my mom, because she spent more time with him because they were married, you know, I wasn't home, that they traveled together all the time, right? With their friends, they are the people who got the best parts of him, and I did not. And so, and part of that is on me that I didn't put more of an effort into the relationship, that I didn't spend more time, that there were a lot of years where it's like, oh nope, work comes first, and you just take it for granted. And my dad hated, oh my gosh, he hated the cell phones. If my mom, my mom would, her phone would go off in the middle of dinner and she would go and pick it up, or I would be on my phone. And uh yeah, he got really, really upset with that. But it was like, oh well, you know, he's gonna be around until he's a hundred, so I can, you know, pay this price now. It's but you just you never know. So yeah, there are so many conflicting emotions, and I gotta say, grief is one of the hardest ones. But as you mentioned, you know, you're starting to grieve your grandmother. I've been grieving my dad for four years. I feel like I lost him a long time ago. Um I think that is easier, and I probably would have preferred it this way than to get the call out of the blue that he had died and I wasn't expecting it. Like I've been prepared for this. I can't even imagine what I would do or how I would be feeling right now if it was so unexpected. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

I've had um I feel like a little bit of a unique growing up where a lot of I had I was surrounded by a lot of death um growing up. And so I have experienced both um tragic out of the blue death, more than I, you know, would wish on anyone. Um, and then also when you know it's coming, and so you have time. And absolutely it's, I mean, neither is great. Right. Be honest right there. Um, but at least having that time, yes, it does drag it out and it's painful on the front end because you're going through it, but it also just allows you some time to cherish the time you do have. Because I mean, it's you know, we all take things for granted. We take time for granted, we take our loved ones for granted for sure. But you know, once you have a timeline and you know it's ticking, um, yeah, you you have more of an opportunity to take advantage of that and then grieve. And I think it helps, I think, the person in letting go. Like it that was a beautiful, I think, reminder that like he was still around and he knew you guys were there and he waited for all of you to be able to say goodbye, you know.

SPEAKER_02 28:18

And um that's that's such beautiful closure because I have death that I had no, I have had no closure with, and I've had yeah, the closure part of it, yes, you nailed it. When you don't have that closure, you can't say goodbye. And I think that is when you're like filled with even I'm gonna cry. That's when you're filled with even more regret. Correct. And it's interesting because I really don't have a lot of sudden death like that in my life. So the only thing that I can really think of would be my cousin who committed suicide. Um, yeah, when he was 18. And it's not like we were super close, but that was obviously very unexpected. So I think that's the most traumatic death that I've ever experienced. Um, another friend of mine committed suicide about, I would say, eight years ago. And to talk about regret, oh my gosh, and like the feeling guilty. He had called me maybe a couple of weeks before and left me a message. And I hate talking on the phone, I'll be honest. And I didn't call him back, and like and I didn't know that he was battling major depression. So it's not like, oh, he committed suicide because Marcy didn't call him back, but is it just one of those like death by a thousand paper cuts?

SPEAKER_01 29:34

Correct.

SPEAKER_02 29:35

Pun intended.

unknown 29:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:36

So yeah, I think that is definitely the hardest when you don't have the closure.

SPEAKER_01 29:41

Yeah. So I mean, yeah, you can. I don't love when people are like, well, at least, you know, and they try to like cover it over, but it is, I think, a wonderful thing that you've had time to say your goodbyes over time and um come to peace with not that it makes it easier, it's still just as painful, you know, when they go, but um painful in a different way, I would say. Yeah, you're a little more sturdy to be there in that moment rather than be in shock, you know.

SPEAKER_02 30:12

Um well, and maybe that transitions nicely into what we were going to talk about, also is how we've been taking care of ourselves, the decisions that we've been making. And this is just who I am. So I would never expect anyone else to move through a situation like this the way that I have, but I am very much a just you show up and you do it. And for me, that does make me feel better because I really do thrive on routine and momentum. So I know that if I slow down too much, I will have the tendency to get a bit. I don't, I shouldn't say that. I will never allow myself to get stuck, but the resistance will feel greater. So, and also we were talking about this online, and I'm just sharing openly when you work for yourself, you don't necessarily have, and we don't have a big team, it's not like I don't have PTOs. I don't yeah, I don't have PTO, I don't have a team, but can you support my clients? Can you create the content? No, like the show must go on.

unknown 31:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:16

And all of my clients were lovely, both in person and online. And they reached out and said, I understand if you want to cancel our sessions, if you want to push our check-in back. And I said, No, I want to show up for you because really, and this is something that one of my mentors shared with me years ago. Like when you feel helpless or hopeless, the best thing that you can do is to be in service of someone else. Now, he would say, Marcy, it cannot be someone who's paying you. That's a little bit different. So what and I was like, I get it, that makes sense, but I don't have the capacity right now to go serve in a soup kitchen, but I can still show up for my clients and the people in my community to the best of my ability. And that does make me feel purposeful. So that was helpful. Um, but yeah, I just maintained my normal routines. I was at work on Monday morning training a client at seven and and I obviously told her what happened when I got there because she's been with me for two years now and she has seen this, and she's like, Oh my gosh, you know, you could have told me. I was like, No, like I want to be here being around people who I love because my clients are family to me at this point, that does make me feel better. And yes, I and it's interesting too because I had a job or a job, a pet sitting job that started that day as well. And uh it's for my best friend's dad and stepmom. So I had shared on my story that morning that my dad had passed. My friend's sister, who I was close with, saw it, and then she told her parents. So then they reached out to me and said, Oh my gosh, we're so sorry to hear about your dad. Because they knew him and loved him as well. Like, are you okay staying at the house? And I said, Yes, emotional support dog. But also, like, I'm alone at that spot. Yeah. So it did give me the space to process and to grieve. So I wasn't trying to emotionally bypass. You know, my mom was doing the same thing. She woke up on Monday and went for a walk with her friend. She was at boxing class the next day, book club on Monday, in the city going to a play on Thursday. She went to a wedding last night. So I think just staying in that routine, being social, having people around you that care and support is really helpful. Um while also taking the space to grieve. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

That's what I was gonna say is um I I think having that routine can just be a lifesaver because otherwise it's like what do you do? Like, yeah, I and I am not trying to say, and I know you're not either, that we just bypass and just keep going, you know. Uh we sh we we should also insert moments where you can sit with the grief, you know, or whatever it is you're going through. Um, you know, and I'm very aware that I have, I was telling you this before we recorded, I have a propensity to compartmentalize, it's very easy for me to do. I need therapy to not be so good at that. Um, but it's still a skill set that I have and it comes in handy. I mean, it's a survival mechanism mechanism. It is. It really got me through some hard times where it was just necessary. It's what I needed to do. Um, but at some point you have to come back and unpack what you have put aside. Yeah. Yes. Um, so I was telling, you know, people I was chatting with, like, you know, I'm okay, like I'm very busy, and that's actually kind of good. It's helping me just keep some normalcy. Um, obviously, I'm not grieving a death, you know, but I'm I'm concerned about my mom. I'm, you know, trying to take care of my grandmother. So it's it's nice though to have the routines of subbing and the business and whatever, but I also am aware that I am gonna have I I just called it a crash out because that's gonna happen. Of course it is, because this is a lot, and um, I can tell that I'm taking on a lot. And so I'm you know, the people that are closest to me are aware. Like I'm letting them know, hey, like I'm teetering on my sanity, is is kind of like on the edge right now. So just hey, if I come home crying, like just let me cry, I'll be fine. I just need to let it out, you know.

SPEAKER_02 35:24

So it's being a little bit and I I I appreciate you even being able to vocalize that to the people in your life because so often what happens, especially for our compartmentalizers, which I am as well, yeah, I'm very good at pushing through and just putting on the happy face, everything's fine, I'm fine, no, I don't need support, even if I really do want it. Uh but it becomes, I like to use the analogy of a liter of soda that you screw the cap on really tightly and then you shake it up. And when you release that cap, you're gonna have a really big mess. And so eventually, like you cannot hold that inside for uh you know any length of time without it eventually bubbling to the surface, and that is when it does come out in an unhealthy way. So whether you snap at a loved one who doesn't deserve it, or uh you do something that is not self-honoring for yourself. Um, so yeah, I think just being able to express that openly. Hey, I am teetering, this is what I need for you from you is really helpful for for you and that person. And I think even just naming it uh can kind of take the power away, so to speak, or can kind of like release some of that pressure. And yeah, I will say admittedly, I probably not probably, I did. I pushed myself too hard uh whether it was worth work or continuing to do my workouts and like, oh, it's peak week. I've gotta set PRs and may maybe not the best. Um and on Thursday, and I could tell I was tired, and also I was, you know, coming back from travel where I had flown almost cross country one day and then turned around and a day and a half later was flying back. So there was some circadian rhythm disruption, definitely not sleeping well, and then yeah, the the emotional component too. So my body was exhausted. And on Thursday I woke up and I felt awful. And I'm like, nope, you gotta go to the gym. You got cardio this morning, and so I plugged my way through or I pushed my way through it, I lifted later that day, but yeah, by Thursday night I was just done for, and then Friday, and then I was supposed to have a session with my mentor where we go back and forth and box her all day, and I had reached out and I said, Are you so good for today? And she didn't see the message for a couple of hours, and she's on the East Coast. I'm like, you know what? It's probably for the best. Like, I am just my brain feels like cotton right now. I cannot think straight. So this is not gonna be the best use of either of our time. And she was kind of in a similar place as well, so it all worked out. Uh, but yeah, I just could hardly function on Thursday. Friday felt a little bit better, Saturday a little bit better, and then today it's like, okay, I feel back to my old self. And interestingly enough, even though this happened a week ago, yesterday was definitely the hardest day. I think because I put up my tribute post to him, and I'm really glad that I did it. But I wrote out everything that you know he meant to me, the lessons I learned, all that, tons of pictures. And reading what I wrote, looking at the pictures, and then also reading everybody else's comments. It was just so emotionally taxing. And I I cried the most yesterday that I probably have all week. And it's almost like that release is what allowed me to start feeling better energetically. And then today I did my emotional release journaling, which I have been putting off again for months, so that helped too.

SPEAKER_01 39:17

Yeah. I definitely connect with just like being able to move, I think, the feelings, emotions through your body. And that can look like so many different things, right? I mean, I know at one point I had a moment to myself and I was like, okay, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna distract myself right now. Yes, there are things I could do, but I think it's time. Like I was in a safe space, I was home. Um, and I was like, okay, I'm gonna sit with the feelings that are coming up. And I cried and let myself kind of go through. Like I didn't try to rationalize it, I just let it kind of happen. And it it it went from like grief to anger, you know, to frustration. And I just kind of this is like the first time I really actually let it move through me rather than try to like name it and like rationalize. It was just like, I'm just gonna let it kind of come. It was kind of like a it changed, you know. Um, but the other thing too is it didn't last long. Um, and then yeah, it was like kind of like a a weight was lifted once I just kind of let it all go through and I felt better. Um I've also felt because I haven't been able to work out quite as much, but I've still, you know, been active. Um I actually ended up doing a little zone two yesterday, which I had not scheduled, but I could just tell like I had some energy.

SPEAKER_02 40:43

Send up energy.

SPEAKER_01 40:44

Yeah, and I was already at the gym and I was trying to time seeing my mom and stuff that I had going on. And I was like, I'm just gonna do some zone. So I did like the Stairmaster, which is slow, but like there's like an effort like that I don't get from like the treadmill unless I'm running, but I really don't love to run. So um that was great. Actually, sweating, I don't know if just because my heart rate was getting up and it just helped me get some blood flow and move stuff through. And I just felt a lot better after that. So yeah, I I think finding those ways to release, let it move through you. Um, and I think that can be movement, I think it can be actually like feeling it, um, talking. Talking sometimes, like me just saying to my sister, hey, by the way, like I I feel a crash outcoming. Can I call you? You know, and her saying yes, like that alone like opened up some space. It's like, oh, I have a safe space, you know, to go to. Um right. So, and I think too, this is gonna sound strange, uh maybe not, maybe not to you, but um, and I've been talking to my clients because a lot of them are kind of in stressful seasons right now because a lot uh, you know, I mainly work with midlife women, so we're in this like caretaking role now with our parents, grandparents, and it get it's a lot, and like I just keep saying many people have kids that we're like the sandwich generation, is what they call it. And like I'm like, hey, nobody told me this is what this is gonna was gonna be like. It's funny. I saw a TikTok that was like, your 40s are like this first time. I think a lot of women are like they come into their own, and like, I feel good now. I feel great, like I've loved my 40s. I'm very sad that I'm gonna be 50 in a couple years, but it yes, it's been this like awakening, and then it's like boom, you get hit with perimenopause, and then like yeah, being in between, and all of a sudden it's like crap, like my parents are aging, my grandparents, like, and now I am like the kind of bridge because I am the most healthy and capable because of where I'm at financially, um, physically, emotionally, right? And it's like, oh shit, like this is a lot, right? Um so, anyways, just I forget the exact oh, so one thing that I'm encouraging my clients who are kind of in it as well is like self-care right now is gonna feel a little bit selfish, but it really is the like meal prepping and the setting yourself up and the like going to bed and taking care of yourself because a lot of people are depending on you. And even though you should be able to say, Hey, I need to pull back, sometimes you can't. If you have little children, you don't get to be like, Hey kids, take care of yourself.

SPEAKER_02 43:32

But I really I really do and it it's funny you're mentioning this because I want to make a post about it where I say that being selfish is actually a superpower. Yes, it really is. I know it's hard to do, and I will admit I am a very selfish person. But it's not selfish. No, it's not doing it. It looks selfish on the outside, maybe, because I'm like, nope, sorry, I'm going to the gym. Nope, sorry, I'm you know, going home early to go to bed. But But what that has allowed me is to be very emotionally regulated this entire time so that I can show up for the people in my life who need me the most, whether that is my clients, my mom, or even my friends. You know, I we we've talked about this as well. I'm definitely the friend right now who, because I don't have kids, is having to go first. I'm the one reaching out and making plans and doing all that. So it's allowed me to have, I guess, the capacity to even maintain those relationships, which has been really nice because had I not had them, this whole situation would have been a lot more challenging.

SPEAKER_00 44:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:43

So yeah, and you know, if you are someone who works in an office, I mean, you are expected to be productive and you want to be emotionally regulated with your husband, your kids. And so if you are not taking care of yourself, it is going to be much more difficult to be productive, efficient, and know the best employee that you can be at work, and then also the best partner and parent. So it is not selfish at all. It is the best thing that you can do for everyone in your orbit, as well as yourself. Because the thing to do. Yes. And also for yourself. God forbid, I had not spent uh however long it has been at this point building these foundational habits, I would be a wreck. I think that's the other reason why I've been able to keep them going, is just because they're on autopilot. It is an identity for me at this point, and it would feel so much worse to not do them than to give myself the grace. You're going through a really hard time. It's okay. It's like, no, yeah, this is my anchor. It's my lifeline. Maybe I push myself a little bit too hard and I would not tell other people to, I would say, you know, do it as I say, not necessarily what I do. But I mean, there is kind of a fine line. Uh also, I do feel because I have been processing this for so long and it was more anticipatory. Had it been so sudden, I'm sure I would be in a much uh greater state of freeze at this point, where it does feel uh more paralyzing to do the things. But yes, I think where I'm going with this is uh if I was numbing myself with alcohol, if I was staying up late, scrolling social media to numb or what's the word I'm looking, deasso disassociate. If I was eating shitty food. Now I am layering not feeling well physically and mentally on top of not feeling well emotionally.

SPEAKER_01 46:46

Well, you've also built the resilience. Well, like you understand the consequences, and that's not to say you never do those things, right? Like, have I indulged a little bit? Yes, but I also know the consequences, so I don't go crazy, I don't go, you know, buck wild because I'm like, but I understand it's a very short-lived um band-aid, right? And I I am here to say sometimes do the band-aid, it's okay. Like it's really okay to have the pizza or you know, whatever it is. Like, however, I think we don't want to lose sight of it's not a real solution, it is temporary. Maybe sometimes it's worth it, or you're just in that moment, but I think continuing to keep a through line of like, but this isn't true self-care, it's just a momentary thing, right? And doing the overall um self-care, right? It's so funny. Like, I was doing some check-ins today and talking about self-care, and I'm like, you know, this is how you show up for the people around you. I know you think putting yourself on the back burner is the answer, but it's not. It's funny, I did a post or a story yesterday kind of talking about self-care and how it means taking care of yourself. And I had been talking about that this weekend with check-ins and a client, um, two clients actually reached out and they're like, Are you talking about me? And I'm like, actually, no, but a lot of you are in the same place. Like, because I have teachers, nurses, therapists, very, like, very much my roster is helping profession, like almost all of them.

SPEAKER_02 48:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:21

Are some kind of you know, career where they're of service to others, and so then it really gets ingrained that you come last. But it's like, how do you serve your students, your patients, your clients if you are struggling, right? And so this is where it's not selfish, it's it is how you continue to serve, it's just for this moment, like you need to be the priority. So tomorrow you show up, you know, as who you need to be.

SPEAKER_02 48:48

So um, yeah, and like you said, those caring professions where oof, I mean, you have to be so present and so regulated, especially I'm thinking of like nurses for sure. Yeah, therapists also, because now you're that safe space in a sounding board for other people. And you're taking on uh, you know, so much emotion.

SPEAKER_01 49:09

My clients that are yeah, in the therapy world, I'm just like, girl, that's a lot. Because I get a little taste of it as a a coach, because I do get a lot of people Oh, I get a big taste of it as a coach, but that's not my job. You know, I'm always like, you know, I'm here to hear I can listen, but I can't help you. But um, when that's your job, oh, that's that's a lot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:32

So yeah. Um well, I got up to go to the bathroom for like a minute, and I don't know if you mentioned that you were putting your fat loss days on hold. It's definitely, yeah, we're at we're on a pause right now.

SPEAKER_01 49:47

Um, so yeah, now here's part of it. I went into this aggressive because I'm lean already, and you kind of have to be aggressive. I I there's no reason for me to prolong this when I'm already at a healthy weight and then trying to get into like the leaner um category. So I was already aggressive. And then once all this kind of hit, I was fine for a while, but then as stress was kind of accumulating, the deficit was definitely becoming detrimental in terms of like it's already stress, like a dieting is a stress on your body, and now we're layering in emotional stress, physical stress because I'm not sleeping enough. I mean, I did spend the night one night at the hospital. Believe me, that wasn't great sleep, but I was happy to be there. I'm subbing every day, you know, and so it was like it just became very difficult for me to maintain the deficit with my sanity, where it's usually fairly easy. I mean, still hard, but like I can do it because I've done this. Um, but it was like, why am I putting myself through more stress right now? So um, yeah, I'm just maintaining right now. Um, I I actually am still seeing the scale drop because I'm my eating is kind of all over the place. Like, I'll go long periods of time because I'm at a hospital or you know, trying to deal with it.

SPEAKER_02 51:10

And do you do you not bring your food or like do you bring it and then you end up just like being there for longer than you anticipate?

SPEAKER_01 51:15

So I usually have breakfast through lunch pre-planned, so that's with me. I always have like a bag so I can have that. It's dinner where things get dicey because I like to have a fresh dinner. But if I'm at the hospital, it's gonna be the cafeteria food or whatever's around the hospital, or I just wait till I get home and that's you know, then I'm just waiting way too long. And so it's like, okay, why am I why am I trying to do a deficit at this moment in time? Like, we can just put pause and take care of myself so that I can show up for my mom and my grandmother and sub and my clients and like why? I don't need to be overly stressed out right now and underfueled. Like that's already exactly like yeah, yeah. So the the self-care right now is like putting that on pause. And I'm waiting to kind of see ultimately what happens with my mom. I think that if she had a really good day today, I'm really happy with where she's at. So we're really, really hoping this is we're now on the upswing. If that's the case, great, maybe I get back into it next week. Fine. Um, if there's a long road of recovery ahead and I have to continue to, you know, take care of my grandmother, we we might just say we'll come back to this later.

SPEAKER_02 52:31

So nothing wrong with that. It'll always be there. Yes. Yeah. And I mean, really, like, let's be honest, this is more about vanity towns, right? Oh, yeah. You also don't have you're not like getting ready for a fitness competition.

SPEAKER_01 52:48

Nope, it was just kind of like, oh, summer's coming. Let's use that as you know, um, a deadline. Um yeah, there's nothing. I mean, I'm at a healthy weight. There's no reason to have to do it other than because I wanted to, so there you go.

SPEAKER_02 53:05

Good perspective. Yeah. And I'm sure you're gonna get a lot more out of it when you have more time to focus, you have extra capacity.

unknown 53:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:14

And I think this is where like I try to encourage people, like, hey, you you're gonna have to navigate like life all the time. There's never gonna be a perfect time. Um, and so you know, getting started when life is real is the best time to start. Now, in my case though, my context is I don't need to lose weight for health. I don't have, again, yeah, like you said, a deadline, like a photo shoot. Even that though, can be delayed, I think. But you know, some people like have like you know, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, uh, blood sugar, where they need to be in kind of this more structured season to improve their health. I don't have any of those things, right? So it's like, no, there's no reason to push um if if not needed. But this is where a an appropriate pause is helpful. Whereas, like for some people, I'm like, we can still keep going, you can still make progress. We're gonna pull back the intensity, right? Like, if I have an overweight client who needs to be losing weight for their health and things get crazy busy like this, I would not say put pause. No, we we're we need to learn the skills of what can I do? What's the least I can do to just keep heading in the right direction? We're gonna change speed, not direction.

SPEAKER_02 54:27

Oh, I like that. Speed, not direction.

SPEAKER_01 54:30

That's great. Yeah. Whereas I'm gonna change direction because it's not necessary.

SPEAKER_02 54:35

Yes, absolutely. And to your point, when someone's health is a little bit more on the line and they need to be making these changes and implementing their them consistently so that they can make those improvements, it is much more important to be a little more dialed in, so to speak. Even if, and I know you don't track calories with all of your clients. And even though I do with the majority of mine in a season like this, I would be okay, let's not track, but let's make sure we have some other foundations in place. Uh, if you can't get to the gym, let's make sure you're going for walks and moving your body in some way. So yeah, just focusing on the low-hanging fruit.

SPEAKER_01 55:17

Yeah. I I would say, like, so I have, yeah, two tracks. If you're not tracking, I would tell you, get some fruits and veggies in at every meal. Two servings, awesome. Get some steps in and sleep. Those are like usually my three, like just keep those. The focus, the rest is bonus. You don't have to worry about it. And then if someone was tracking, and I would just be like, calories, steps, and sleep, you know, like it's just and again, I've I've talked about this before, but I really don't think that tracking needs to be that difficult.

SPEAKER_02 55:49

Like, especially if you are, again, like you said, if you're just tracking protein and calories, and then also if you are keeping meals on repeat, I mean, that's one of the things that has gotten me through this, is I don't even have to think about my nutrition because I'm just eating the same thing over and over again. So it makes everything easy. Deciding what I'm gonna eat, grocery shopping, and then the tracking. Because I've kept up with that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:13

I mean, I could stay in my deficit. It's not hard for me because I am so monotonous, like, and I'm okay with that in a fat loss. In fact, that's to me, it's just like, you know what? Just I'm gonna eat on repeat because why? Why make this harder? It's the stress though of being underfueled while high stress, you know, through the roof that like has made it hard for me. And I'm like, why? Why don't I just nourish myself while I'm struggling?

SPEAKER_02 56:40

Yeah, exactly. I know you still gotta eat, still gotta eat. So might as well make the choices that are gonna best serve you. Exactly. So and just well, when you're at the decision point and you really want to go for the food that is comforting and convenient, ask yourself, how do I really want to feel? And is this going to make what I am going through in the moment easier on the other side?

unknown 57:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:06

Or harder, right?

SPEAKER_02 57:07

And yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 57:09

Yeah, that's what I was trying to say earlier. I think you have that wisdom. That's the word I actually was looking for. That word, thank you. It's a great word. Yeah, to say, oh, this actually won't serve me long term, it's a short term, you know, and that's a wisdom that comes with experience and time. Um, yeah, so it's funny. I was telling a couple clients, they're long-term clients. I'm like, you're at the point where people look at you and they're like, you make it look so easy. And that's I don't want to take away from the effort you're putting in. You're definitely working hard, but like, yeah, you're one of those people now because you've been practicing, you've been putting it in, like implementing to the point where it's just second nature, and that's what people recognize, you know. Is it easier for you? Yeah, but I mean, there's years of effort you've been putting in to get here.

SPEAKER_02 57:58

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 57:59

So yeah, yeah, it's it is earned. So true, but it's worth it. It is. I mean, I again I'm gonna end with where I started. I'm very grateful for my health and that I can show up for my family the way that I can. Um, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

SPEAKER_02 58:17

So absolutely, yes. Well, I'm grateful for you, my friend. Thank you for being a support system. Ditto.

SPEAKER_01 58:25

I'm uh not happy we're going through this together, but it's very comforting to just be like, I know Marcy would get this. So I'm just like, oh my God, I'm so like frustrated, you know, or for sure.

SPEAKER_02 58:36

Here for you anytime that you want to talk about it. And hopefully your mom will be through this difficult season very soon. And then now that I have a little more, I don't even want to say capacity, but I guess freedom for lack of a better word. Now I can finally make that trip down to see you.

SPEAKER_01 58:55

Yeah, yeah, because I'm sure that kind of holds you back, right?

SPEAKER_02 58:58

Because you it really did, it really did.

SPEAKER_01 59:01

So there's there's a a moving on that can happen um that you know allows you more opportunities, right? So I'm sure your dad wants that for you.

SPEAKER_02 59:13

Um absolutely. I mean, he was the life of the party, and he loved to travel and have fun with his friends, so that's what he would want me to be doing for sure. Yay. Well, I'm gonna hold it. Not working my fingers to the bone and feeling sorry for myself. That's what I'm gonna say. Although although he was he was a hard ass worker, and that is where I get my mom was too for sure, but just in a different way. And she was very hardworking in her career, but didn't take care of herself necessarily when it came to her physical health. Um, but he was both, you know, making sure that he was lifting and going for runs while also working really hard in his business. So I think that's where I get my work ethic and my discipline from. So it's my way to honor him.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:02

Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:04

There you go.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:06

Okay. Well, before I start crying, I should sign off.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:11

Well, this was good. I know it was very therapeutic for me. I hope for you too and our listeners to just hear, like, you know, this is where life is, where I think a lot of our are people who are millennialslash gen Xers. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:28

And sending love to anyone who is going through this right now. So feel free to reach out. We are here for you. You don't have to go through it alone.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:37

We're a mess too, but in a good way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:40

Yeah. All right. Well, thank you again. And we'll talk to you next week. All right, friend. Take care. Bye.

unknown 1:00:50

Bye bye.