Midlife Musings
Unfiltered conversations about the real challenges of navigating midlife
Midlife Musings
Episode 24: The Grief and Relief of Leaving Your Younger Self Behind
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There's a strange disorientation that comes with getting older that nobody prepares you for. You still feel young on the inside. You still *mostly* relate to younger people. You still think of yourself as young. And then something reminds you that you're not. That you're actually in the last half, maybe the last third, of your life.
In this episode, we get honest about the identity shift that comes with midlife, the grief of saying goodbye to the version of yourself you've always known, and the surprising relief that can come right alongside it. Because entering perimenopause and hitting menopause isn't just a hormonal event. For many women, it's a reckoning with who you've been and who you're becoming.
We also talk about HRT. What it is, why we both made the decision to use it to support our transition, and why we don't think it's something every woman should rush into without doing the foundational work first. Because if the foundations aren't in place, you're layering a solution on top of a problem that hasn't been addressed.
In this episode:
- What it feels like to be an "old young" — still identifying with youth while standing in the later chapter of your life
- The grief that comes with letting go of the identity you've carried since your twenties and thirties
- Why menopause can also bring unexpected relief and why that's worth talking about
- How we are using HRT to support our transition through perimenopause and beyond
- Why they believe HRT should come after the foundation is built, not instead of it
- What "earning" your HRT actually looks like in practice
This is one of those episodes that might make you feel a little less alone in what you're going through. If so, we’d love it if you leave a review, share it with a friend in midlife, and follow along for more real talk on health, fitness, and feeling good in your body at every age.
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Marcy, my friend. Hello. How are you? I'm so much better. Yes. Give us the update. I'm going to give you just a very short update because I know we've been kind of talking a lot. Mom is home. Yay. Yay! Um was a little premature, but um she's good. And actually, she's here with me. I am so happy she's home. Um, she still has uh a road ahead of her. Um she had pancreatitis, a very severe case. So that just takes a long time to recover because you really can't eat and you kind of need to eat. Um, but she is home and doing better. You know, what's interesting is that you get to a point in the hospital where staying becomes more detrimental than leaving because you get you have you're at risk for so many more things, and I think just being in this room, you know, in the hospital is is difficult too, like mentally to just kind of be locked in there. So I'm so happy. Like when I took her home, um, as soon as we hit outside, immediately she was like, Oh my god, fresh air. And I was like, Yes. So I think just being outside of the hospital, she has her own room. She's she said, you know, the best part of waking up here was just hearing birds sing.
SPEAKER_01I was like, Oh, oh, that's amazing. Yeah. So what do you think is the timeline? Are you just taking it one day at a time?
SPEAKER_00One day at a time. Um, from what we have, I mean, I know a lot about pancreatitis now. Um, it takes months, and she had a very severe case. So she's still inflamed, she still has pancreatitis, she's just on the mend. Um, so she's eating more and more little by little. Um, that'll help the more nutrition she can get in, the the stronger she's gonna feel. So um, I think too, just being here, she will naturally just move more. So that will help with a lot of the fluid retention. Um, you know, she was she had pretty bad edema because they were for a while she was on IV nutrition, so you know, that has complications. Having all these lines in your arms had complications, and she had complications from that. And so um, even though it's maybe a little faster than we wanted, it's probably better also on the upside that she can just be in a more natural setting and rest. Oh my god, at the hospital. Like, how do you sleep? They're just always b bugging you. They're bugging you, and then the machines make noise.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I have no idea.
SPEAKER_00Oh god, I told my sister, how do you deal with just the noise? Like, it's just constant like beeping and alarms and uh you know, patients screaming and you know, just the chaos. Like, and my sister's like, Oh, you just you got used to it. Oh, holy hell, like how does anybody recover in there? Well, exactly. It's so stressful. So stressful. My mom says she has memorized the beeping of like when her IV is empty and like you know, she it's like burned in her memory. I'm like, yep, that's oh it's like she can have some PTSD over that. I know, probably. So that's I think why the birds just were so you know that that was a big thing. It's like, oh my god, I'm hearing birds instead of you know freaking machine.
SPEAKER_01And I mean, you know, both of us are so like proponents of getting natural sunlight. And yeah, I mean, it just talked about screwing to your circadian rhythm.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Absolutely. So she's I'm I'm just I keep telling people I just feel like I can breathe again because it just also felt like she was she wasn't far, but you know, just having her at a hospital and I hated the thought of her alone. I mean, although you know, I was there, my dad was there, my sister, you know, friends of hers were coming, like she was never like alone alone, but like, but you are, you know, like it just like eventually you have to leave, right?
SPEAKER_01And then she goes to sleep, and I can only imagine how just upsetting that is. Yeah, for you and her.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I stayed over once just because she was in a lot of pain that day. This was early and this whole debacle. Um, I was just like, I'm not leaving, I don't care. You know, like I just I cannot feel good about just walking away. Like I had nothing. I slept in my clothes, I had to work the nest, I had to sub, like it just, you know, sometimes that's what it requires.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, I mean, luckily in Knock on Wood, I have never been overnight at a hospital, like for myself, me either. Um, yeah, that is one of my greatest years, I will say, but spent a lot of time when I was a kid because my dad's parents were always in and out of the hospital for something, so a lot of visiting there. And then when I was in college, my dad chopped his thumb off. And he was oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He was sawing something, and he was one of those people where he would always try to take the shortcut and think that he knew better. And he did say after the fact, I knew that I probably shouldn't have been doing it like that. And on the last, the last piece of wood, you know, his thumb slipped, and he was using what's called a miter saw. So yeah, it chopped it right off. My mom was at work, I was at college, and he screamed. And thankfully the neighbors heard and were able to find the thumb. Wow, right? Oh, can you imagine having to do that? Like, talk about neighbor of the year. And yeah, they put it on ice, called the paramedics, and he was taken to a trauma center in San Francisco, and he stayed there for a month. A month for a thumb. A month. Uh-huh. Because they were trying to like they were able to reattach it, and then they were having to just keep him in there to see what it take. Like he was having to do what's called like leech therapy, where they literally put leeches on the thumb to draw the blood out. Um, yeah. And so my mom would go visit, I think probably every day, even though she was working full-time.
SPEAKER_02Wow.
SPEAKER_01But yeah, I got lucky in the regard that I was away at school, so I didn't have to see it, I didn't have to deal with any of it. Uh yeah. And then he got sent home, and a couple of days later it started to get infected, and so they had to remove it completely. But yeah, I could not imagine being in there for a month. Because how long was she in there for? Like six weeks? Two months altogether. Two months that long. Jeez. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Oh. And like that doesn't sound like a lot like in the grand scheme, but like when you're living that day today, it's freaking long. It absolutely sounds like a long time.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00I drove there to pick her up, you know, the other night. I and I cried the whole way over there because it's not that I I knew she'd come home, but you get into this pattern of like, but it felt so far away. Like, I didn't know when that was gonna happen. And I saw her improving. Like, we knew we were probably sooner than later, but like it just was like, oh my god, like it's right now she gets to come home. Like it just was like, oh my god, I I want to never ever go to a hospital again. Absolutely. Your sister works in the hospital, correct? Yes, not this not the hospital my mom was at, but yes, she works so and I was telling you offline a couple days ago, my grandmother had to be taken to the emergency, so I had I took her. So I was I was actually at my sister's hospital that day, and I was just like, I hate hospitals. It's just I'm so over being in this setting. I don't know. I have so much respect for nurses and doctors and just medical professionals because the environment is so stressful. It just gave me a chance. Did you write the pit? Watch what? The pit.
SPEAKER_01No, but this is you're a Gray's Anatomy fan. Yeah, I just finished that the whole series though. So yeah, yeah, it's so stressful. That show definitely gave me a lot of respect for doctors and nurses. I mean, obviously, I had it prior to that, but I had no idea what they really go through. And with the pit, it's the ER. And the premise of the show is it's 15 episodes, and each episode is just one hour of that shift. Okay. And so at the end, you're thinking to yourself, holy moly, these people go to sleep and then they've got to wake it up and do it all over again for however many years. I could not imagine.
SPEAKER_00It's it's nuts. I mean, just talking to my sister, she's been a nurse for 15 years. Um the things that she's numb to, it's just insane. Because that's what your brain has to do to be able to deal with what she sees on a daily basis. Well, not daily, because you're not there every day, but the 12-hour shifts, you know, two to three times a week. Like what's in the so she's on DOU, which is a step down ICU, so they're not quite as critical as ICU, but there's still a lot of death happening on her floor, a lot of just you know, they're pretty critical. So uh you know, my mom was on like uh I think what you would call a med surge floor, so even lower than that, like nobody's necessarily on the verge of dying, but obviously they are bad enough to have to be hospitalized. So uh, but you know, what I heard on my mom's floor, just people screaming, people crying, I mean, you know, it's just very hard to hear people suffering. Um yeah, and just the commotion when somebody's coding or you know, like it's just insane. Like I just people in that field really need um mental health. Uh because I don't know how you you don't that you don't do that job and you just walk away like I'm fine, you know, you go to your normal life, you know, you gotta process, I think, a lot of what you're seeing. So it's yeah. A lot of respect for nurses in particular because you know, those were the nurses were the ones that were with my mom 247, you know. Yeah, the doctors just come in and you know, do the rounds for five minutes. Correct. Although I will say her doctors were amazing, like um, they would spend a lot of time with us answering questions, and there were times, you know, we just said, Hey, can you call my sister because she's a nurse and she understands and she can ask better questions? And they would. They would call and just talk for like 20-30 minutes with her, and it was just that was so wonderful that they took the time. Yeah, yeah, that really is.
SPEAKER_01Well, so then did they give you suggestions for how to feed her and take care of her now that she is home? And can your sister help with that? Because I'm assuming that she has some knowledge.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, so basically a soft diet, very low fat, low sodium, um, because her pancreas is still not healed, and so um, unfortunately, eating is still gonna irritate her pancreas. But I mean, she's at the point where she can tolerate food, it just needs to be very digestible, and then she doesn't have a gallbladder. Um, so it just needs to be low fat, anyways. Um, so you know, this is where I'm just more convinced about like what I do with clients in terms of like the basics are so necessary. We're just going back to like, hey, let's get in good quality food um and give you like the whole package, you know, like yeah, nutrition's important, but so is your mental health and so is your physical health. So, like making sure she takes little short walks that you know she's doing her therapy in that sense. But yeah, it's a very bland uh diet and very um just low volume, even. I mean, she really is not eating much, she's lost quite a bit of weight. Um so and then you know, in the back of my mind too, and she knows it too, is once she's feeling better, like she's gonna have to start like strength training because she lost muscle mass because you know, being in a hospital for two months, not moving much, yeah, that happens.
SPEAKER_01Um you didn't have that much to begin with, which I'm assuming she didn't, because she wasn't someone who regularly strength trained, correct? No, no. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, so it's gonna look a lot like what I do, you know, on a day-to-day basis, but at her level, of course, um, and it just again I'm more convicted of just like how important it is that we take care of ourselves at the base level, like and I'm so grateful for my own health because I think without like the routines and just like what I have in place has allowed me to just and this is not to say I have done this alone. I have an amazing support system, an amazing family, and it's not all me. I it's I'm just talking about my part, right? Right. Um, but yeah, I mean without feeling good and just being in a body that was capable, even strength-wise, like moving her around and whatnot, like so grateful. So grateful.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, I know. We take that stuff for granted for sure.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, until it's gone, right? Or you know it's compromised.
SPEAKER_01Or or until you need to use it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So I have a no-less is all encouraging. Yes. I mean, I just felt like we've I've been in limbo land. Like, when's she coming home? Is she actually getting better? So it's so I can breathe.
SPEAKER_01Like, okay. That's the hardest place to be, that limbo. You know, I always like to say that even indecision is a decision, and I know that this isn't the same thing as that, but yeah, being in that limbo, am I gonna do this? Am I not gonna? It's just this weird like no man's land that is so much so much worse.
SPEAKER_00I absolutely learned that the hard way when I quit teaching, I took a year to make that decision. That was a bad idea. Oh, because it meant I stayed in limbo land for a whole year. I mean, I was trying to give myself time, and I think that's important, but it was like that was worse than once I made the decision. Once I I handed in my resignation letter, it was like, okay, now we're I was like, oh, I feel better, even though it's scary as shit. But like that whole year of just like, I don't know, should I, should I not? And I'm not, or I am, or I'm not, you know, it's just I'm sure I drove my family insane too, just with that, you know, back and forth. So yeah, just don't ever take a year. That was way too long. Yeah. I made that mistake myself, definitely.
SPEAKER_01You live and learn. Yeah. So well, what are we getting into?
SPEAKER_00All right. Well, talking about living and aging. So you and I are in an interesting season of life. I'm gonna share. You can share what you would like. Um, that I have now crossed the threshold into I am post-menopause.
SPEAKER_01Wow.
SPEAKER_00Yay!
SPEAKER_01And I also crazy. I was not expecting you to say that. Yeah. So how does that feel? Because you're I will say you're fairly young. I just turned 48. 48. I why do I think you're 46? Because you look like you are 36.
SPEAKER_00Thank you. We're gonna take that. Okay, so 48, but I I would still say that's young. It's fairly young. Yeah, it's on the younger side. I mean, in my doctor even kind of remarked, like, okay, well, I mean, it's not abnormal. They're not like, ooh, something's wrong. I'm within range. It's just average age is 52. So um, I was also telling you offline, I I actually expected that I would go longer. Um, my mom, I don't I think she told me she didn't go through she didn't hit postmenopause till 54. Um, and then I was a late bloomer. I started my period late, 14. Um, so I thought, oh well, I'm probably gonna be this gal who like has her period till she's like in her 50s, well into her 50s, but nope. So it it's an interesting you asked me earlier, you know, at another point how I felt about it. And um there's a long pause because certainly um there is a relief in like, oh, we're done with periods. Because we all know I don't have to explain how difficult those are. Um, it is so freeing. I don't have to have tampons on me all the time. I don't have to be wondering, I don't have to go through the cycle of like, oh my god, I'm so tired. Why am I so tired? Oh, right, I have my period, and then cramps and backaches, and you know, just trying to do life um, you know, with that discomfort. Um it's amazing. And obviously, like if I'm postmenopause, it means I've gone a year. And I am just like, men, what are you doing? Because life without a period, you should be doing more stable testosterone levels all the time. Yeah, like, and just feeling good and not having to be on this roller coaster. I women are amazing. Um, on the other hand, yeah, there is definitely a grief and like um a loss. Not that I want my period back, I do not, um, but just feeling like this season of life is over. Um, obviously there's a mortality part of it. Like, okay, I'm in like the last third of my life, right? Um, although I feel still very young, especially mentally, um, even physically, but uh I think to just not I I don't want kids. I I don't have kids, right? So it's not a loss of like being able to have kids. That it's not even that. It's just like I feel different now than probably my peer group in terms of like I am not in that phase anymore. And it feels like I'm old, even though I don't feel old. Um, so I don't know, that's like a weird identity piece that has like come up where I'm like, okay, what do I do with this? What does it mean? Does it mean anything? Maybe it doesn't, like nothing really has changed except I am free of the shackles of menstruation. But yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I was gonna use the word identity, but I feel like identity isn't even necessarily the right one. Maybe it's a loss of your youth in a sense.
SPEAKER_00Possibly, yeah. I mean, like I said, I it almost feels like I've been pushed into the group of like I am an older woman. Um so maybe that's it. Yeah, because my identity is not in like, oh, I'm a cycling woman, no, but um, maybe the identity of like I'm younger. Um I I've told people like in your 40s, especially you're still in your early 40s. I around my mid-40s, I started to feel like, oh, I am a young, older person. Like I am part of the older, but I'm a young older person, right? Versus like I think in your 30s and early 40s, you feel like an older young person. So yeah, I definitely felt that shift a couple years ago where I'm like, I'm I identify more with older people, but I'm still young. I am the young person in that group. And now being post-menopause, it's like, oh yeah, I'm firmly in this group. Um, and identify more with like 50 plus.
SPEAKER_01Okay, 48. So that's interesting. Now, let's say that you did not know you were post-menopausal. What would make you feel that way? That you identify more with the older generation? Because I still feel, I mean, I'm going to the gym with these kids who are in their 20s, and I kind of feel, I mean, granted, they drive me crazy. Oh, the music is so loud, and why do you have to say bruh ever after every other word? Bro, yes. Oh my gosh. Oh, it's not even bro, it's it's bruh, bruh, right? Bruh. Yeah. Um anyway, but I still feel like I I don't want to say relate to them, but I feel their same energy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, without this, I'm gonna say it's mixed. There are times that I absolutely identify more with we'll just say millennials because I am Gen X, although I'm a very young Gen X, I'm right on the line. But um, and I mean I have some Gen Z peers. I don't even know, I don't know that I call them friends because they do feel very young, but um, that I feel like I can hang with and enjoy their company, and I don't feel like super old. Um, and then there's times though that I do. I mean, and uh probably the gym is actually where I feel the oldest because of the it being young dudes. And that just feels like a bigger gap than young women. I mean, there are some young women in there that don't make me feel old, but the guys, yes, because they're like that. It's like the bro mentality where I'm just like, oh my god, like the guys, just stop, like with yes, the bruh and the like show boating and you know, just like the the ego that kind of comes with that, and maybe that's a gym culture thing, not necessarily, I don't know, maybe it's a men thing, it might be a male thing, but they make me feel like oh god, you guys are just exhausting.
SPEAKER_01Like, you know, that's so interesting because now that you're saying that, I am thinking, oh, yeah, you're correct. I was in there yesterday and there were these two kids, and one of them, I don't think he's a nutrition coach necessarily, but he likes to think that he is, and so and he is pretty aggressive in his not only his demeanor, but his delivery. So he was talking to this other kid who was in there, and you know, he lifts hard. So he I don't know if he's just starting to get into this lifestyle or what. And they were talking about, you know, what they're doing. And the other one who was kind of playing the role of coach, he was just so authoritative, like, you need to be doing this and you need to be doing that. And and his advice was, you know, complete bullshit to that's one thing. Um, but yeah, I guess the ego is very much a thing for sure. And I just I don't jive well with that in general, no matter the person's age. So it certainly is off-putting. But it's interesting because there aren't too many younger girls at our gym. But when I do see them, that's what makes me feel old, not the guys. And I can't really put my finger on why. Is it just like their youthful appearance? Is it uh, you know, like the outfits that they're wearing? And I know there are women in their 40s who are wearing the short shorts and the crop tops and all that, uh, you know, gym gear. And here I am in my baggy oversized shirt just because I like to be comfortable and not constricted. So maybe that's part of it. Just like, oh, look at you. And and I'm just like, I'm not like comparing my physique to theirs. Like if anything, sometimes I feel like I look better. Um, but yeah, maybe it's just like that energy or the carefreeness just to wear whatever. I don't, I don't know how to articulate it, but yeah, I definitely feel older when I'm around the young girls than when I'm around the young guys.
SPEAKER_00It's uh it's a it's an interesting, I just feel like midlife in general is like that, where I feel like I can still kind of relate to younger people. I also have a sister who's six years younger. So although her and I, nobody typically knows that like there's such an age gap. Um, meaning I don't find her to be immature at all. In fact, she probably should have been the older sister. She has more of a mature demeanor. I'm the silly, silly one, you know. Um, but anyways, maybe having that access to her and her friends, you know, just like I love her friends, you know, they're they don't make me feel old and they're lovely. And yeah, sometimes I I feel like very connected to younger people, and then sometimes I feel more connected to older people. And I don't know, maybe that's midlife where you're just kinda you are in between, and like sometimes I feel like a chameleon, but there are definitely times like the gym with the dudes where I'm just like, go away, you're young, and I just disdain you right now. I'm having a hot flash, go away.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00So anyways, so a mix of things, um but overall it's amazing. I'm taking it as a win. Like yeah, I also can't reverse it anyways, it doesn't matter. So that is true.
SPEAKER_01But and I guess like I don't even know. So does this mean like for sure it's never coming back?
SPEAKER_00I mean it's been a year. June 9th was the year mark. Um and honestly, I have been watching my period for 10 years. I was tracking it, and I didn't realize in the beginning that it was happening. Um, but let me see if I can pull this up real quickly. Um my period has been dwindling for the last four to five years. Um so I'm pretty I there's no part of me that thinks it's gonna come back. Let's see. Like it gosh, I swear I had this here. Anyway, it was like I was so regular where I was getting thirteen, twelve to thirteen periods a year, and then all of a sudden I had eleven periods. And then the next year I had nine. And then I had three, and then last year I had one. So I I don't know why a period would come back. If it did, it would be a fluke. It it wouldn't be because my period is coming back. It's back on the back. Correct. Yeah, like it's clearly been on the decline, um, you know, from 12, 11, you know, nine, three, one. You know, but the other thing is, and we uh we don't necessarily need to talk about on this episode, I did also start HRT.
SPEAKER_01So Oh, interesting, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the other thing I was considering is just all the stress that you've been under, and we know that stress can impact hormones in someone's cycle. So could that have been delaying something? Who knows? But yeah, the HRT component, I wonder how that plays in. And you're are you still continuing to feel well?
SPEAKER_00I feel better. Um, I've been on, I literally just started like maybe two weeks ago because it's I just changed only like it hasn't even been two weeks, week and a half. But sleep has already improved, and like that's my main that was my main reason to go get on HRT, as well as just like I think I would just feel better, you know, in terms of my hot flashes. Those were my second biggest um symptom that I had. It's funny. She was asking me, my doctor, so what are your symptoms? Of course, sleep awful, it's terrible. I either I can't fall asleep or I can't stay asleep, and um hot flashes. They're not awful, but they're certainly irritating, and you know, they have moments where that is actually, I feel tied to my stress. When I am more stressed, I have more hot flashes. So, like I've been having hot flashes galore because yeah, life has been stressful. Um, and I can go months without a hot flash too, usually when stress is low. So I know that that's hormonally and just stress induced. Um, and then she's like, any other symptoms? I'm like, I mean, not really. And she's like, What about brain fog? And I was like, Oh yeah, like I forgot. I mean, literally, you know, I'm going every day to see my mom when she was in the hospital. I would say nine times out of ten, I would forget where I parked, or I could not find my car. And part of it was the parking lot was very confusing. But I told her, even just coming here, I couldn't find the car to see you to leave the hospital to come to this appointment. And she's like, Okay, yeah, that's and I told her, like, I totally get that like it might also be sleep, like, because I am not getting good sleep. Yeah, I have brain fog. I don't doubt though that there's a hormonal piece to that too.
SPEAKER_01So absolutely, you know, pro tip. Hopefully the HRT starts to help with this. But have you ever considered taking a picture of your parking spot?
SPEAKER_00Okay, so yes, and I would actually take sometimes I took a picture, sometimes I took no okay. I'm at like 1G or 2B, but like I'm telling you, the parking lot there was it seemed like an L shape. Okay, but it just even my dad, who has great sense of direction, he was having a hard time. Like, I don't it was like a fun house in there.
SPEAKER_01Like I wouldn't make yourself feel bad about it.
SPEAKER_00Yes, like I was like, okay, dad, if you're having a hard time, I feel like I am not losing my mind. I'm sure, you know, just the brain fog in general is not helping, but like it I really wish I could just explain how ridiculous this parking lot was. Like, and I saw people, like older people, having like attendants trying to help them find their car. So it really wasn't just me and my poor sense of direction.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Or being stressed. But like, of course, it didn't help that I'm stressed and my brain is lacking hormones.
SPEAKER_02Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01Well, I'll be encouraged to hear how it goes as you continue. Yes. So and so are you on progesterone and estrogen, or what are you taking?
SPEAKER_00Yes. So estrogen, an estrogen patch, and then I mean you you have to take progesterone with that as just like to counter that. So both of those. No testosterone. There's right now there's no indication that I actually need testosterone. And I don't think that that's a very common part of HRT. And most women that I've talked to who usually start HRT don't uh love the testosterone.
SPEAKER_01So well, I'm going on the trifecta. Are you doing all three?
SPEAKER_00I'm doing all three. I just don't have any indication for the testosterone itself. I mean, testosterone naturally kind of decreases and it's not impacting my life.
SPEAKER_01So my hormones have been in the tank since I was 25 when I first came off of hormonal birth control. And and they were likely low even before that, just because of how I drove myself into the ground with nutrition and fitness. But I went on testosterone for the first time when I was 35, and I did the cream, didn't really notice a difference. It didn't help to increase my levels for whatever reason. So I stopped doing that. And then a couple of years ago, I did the injections, and that definitely helped to raise the levels. So for a while I was only on testosterone. To be honest, I did not notice an improvement. And maybe it's one of those things where had I not been on it, I would have started to notice some symptoms, but it wasn't like I started taking it and all of a sudden, oh my gosh, I have more energy, I have more motion and drive and my workouts are better. Like, no, none of that. Um, and I think like you're on such a low dose that it's not gonna do much from a muscle-building perspective. That's what I was wanting. Like, oh, it's gonna help me get jacked. No. I mean, maybe it can help you push harder in the gym because you have more energy, you're recovering better, but I didn't notice any of that. And then a couple last year, it's actually been a year now, because I had the consult with the functional nutrition doctor and then the naturopath, who I'm gonna be getting the HRT through. And she was asking me how long I've been off of progesterone and estrogen because I did go on it earlier last year. I thought maybe six months. And it's like, oh no, I've been off of it for yeah, like I think nine months. Maybe I started it early last year, and then I did it for about three, and same thing, didn't notice any improvement. Um, had the labs rerun, and my levels were pretty much the same. So now what we're figuring out uh based on the lab work that I just had, and then some of my other symptoms, I definitely have some sort of gut issue where I'm not a good absorber of nutrients. Um, I have something called pernicious anemia, which means I don't absorb, I think it's like the B vitamins. So that is an issue. Um, but it makes sense as to why the injectable testosterone would have worked to raise my levels, but the oral did not. So now I've decided to go back on injectable testosterone and estradiol. And then I'm gonna try what's called a progesterone troche. So it's sublingual.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01And the function or the nurse practitioner, she recommended that instead of the pill because you cannot get injectable progesterone.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01And I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. And then the girl who did my lab review, I guess she got that update and she reached out to me. She's like, Yeah, that's probably not the route that I would have gone down. Like, I don't love the trochies, but you can give it a try for the first three months. We can retest at that time, or you know, after you've been on it for that long, and then see what's going on. So my fingers are crossed, especially from a sleep perspective, because that is my worst symptom as well. And it has been, gosh, I mean, I feel like the last time I slept through the night was when I was married, and that was in 2012.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01So I know part of it is because my hormones are low, my cortisol is through the roof, and then just the never-ending stress. So it makes sense, but I'm hoping that I see a benefit.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, it's and I think the the hard part is I mean, I'm so happy that more research has come out supporting HRT, and so many more women can get help and um relieve a lot of their symptoms. But I think we also have to remember that we're all very unique in like what we actually like the the range at which you're gonna feel good, you know. So like we're personally, they put me on very low doses, right? Um, and then I have a follow-up in two months to see like, okay, how do I feel? And likely like there might need to be adjustments. I mean, and I think sometimes people get scared because there was such bad information for so long that it's like if it doesn't work for you, you're immediately like, I don't want to do it anymore. Take me off of this, and it's like, well, you probably needed adjustments, you know. And it also is like what you and I do on a day daily basis is like, but your foundation also needs to kind of be there. So, like, that's one thing I did want to say is like HRT is great, but like it's not gonna override a shitty lifestyle and a shitty diet and not doing the things that just need to be there. Um, it's certainly an enhancement if those things are in place. So, you know, this is not like a magic pill. Um, it's just as important for me to continue to do what I've been doing and actually even really dig in more with my sleep so that like the progesterone is actually helpful. You know, I can't be staying like now, granted, my life has been chaotic, like especially the last couple days. I've been up very late because life has demanded that. Um, that's not helpful. Like the HRT is not gonna override the fact that I was up till one in the morning, no. So, you know, I just want to make sure we put that, and I know you believe the same thing wholeheartedly, like it's so important your foundation is there first, so you can really see the improvement. Because sometimes you might just need the basics. Maybe you're just being a jerk and you just need to get your ass to bed.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. And I actually wrote an email to my list about this, basically saying you know, there is a little bit of a sense of shame that I take such good care of myself and live this pristine lifestyle, practice what I preach, and I'm still dealing with these issues. Like it looks like I don't sleep, I drink alcohol, and I eat fast food every day. Like that is what my labs show. I mean, when it comes to my hormones, my high cholesterol, some other things. And that is definitely not the case. So yeah, I feel like you have to earn your right to be on hormones, otherwise, you are putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. And that's why I did that one, the comprehensive lab work, and then also had it reviewed to make sure that I was a candidate because this girl who did the review, she says all over her Instagram that if these markers are not in check, like you are not a candidate. So high insulin, high fasting glucose, what else was there? Um gosh, I can't remember at this point. And there were some of my markers that were like a little bit off, but she still thought that just given my family history and then what I am dealing with currently, that I need to be on it for sure.
SPEAKER_00It's complicated. I mean, I've definitely been given a huge lesson in that with my mom. And, you know, of course, we wanted just like, okay, how do we make her better? But it's like there were so many intricate pieces to um her recovery and will be, right? It's not just one thing. It's not just, okay, you need to eat like this or take this med. It's because you would see we would do, we would improve one thing, but then something else would kind of fall through because the meds, you know, we're depleting this. And it's just we have to remember too, the body is very complex, and that's a good thing because we're so robust. I mean, I I'm not saying that we're all living our best lives in terms of like we're thriving. Actually, we're so robust in that we can survive quite extreme measures. I mean, this is why we have such a hard time with like, wait, but we have people eating all like this and they're doing great, and over here, people eating that. Yeah, because human beings are incredibly resilient. It's why we've managed to still be here after millions of years, but that doesn't mean it's optimal. Um, just because this group of people only eats meat doesn't mean that we should, it just means we can survive on that, but um, you know, we we definitely want to cover our bases with the gamut of, you know, taking care of ourselves and all that.
SPEAKER_01So anyway, and sometimes sometimes I wonder if people like myself, or you know, maybe even you, if you can relate to this, I am such a hard driver in my life. I have so many high expectations of myself. I do honestly want my health to be optimal, and there's a lot of mental stress that comes with that and just the managing of it all. So, because I've you know struggled with my health since I was in my early 20s and I felt so horrible for so long, and I was going to all these doctors, I was going down the Google rabbit hole, trying to figure out and just again, like mentally stressing myself out so much on top of everything else that I was going through in my life at that time, you mean up until now, like it makes a lot of sense. And I sometimes wonder the people who don't take that good care of themselves aren't even really thinking about it. So they're drinking, they're eating whatever they want, they you know they're going out and socializing. Do they just have less overall stress? And so maybe like their body is more resilient because of that.
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I I definitely think that's probably a component. Um, it's funny I recorded and then I forgot to upload it to Instagram. Maybe I'll do it after this to my stories. But talking about how like I think sometimes we just get caught up in like we have to do this perfectly, especially for someone like you and I, right? Number one, it's our career, but also we're both type A's, and so we're driven towards that. We're I'm pulled towards that. But it's like there's no trophy, number one, and you're not gonna get that better of results because you're right, like you can absolutely get caught in all the details, and then that stresses you out, you know, and I have been because of where my life has been the last two months, I have had to let go of the nuance that I generally have there. Like, for example, I was in a fat loss phase for I think I ended up being in it for a month, and then I was like, can't do that right now. Um, and then it became like I I just can't even really be as because like I would spend nine, ten hours at the hospital pretty much every day if I could, which meant I would bring food, but I couldn't always, and I couldn't always have all the food I wanted, so I had to relax in terms of like, okay, what is available? And I've been fine. And you know, it's actually been kind of a lesson to like Andrea, you can go through seasons of like being way less meticulous. You have the knowledge, you can make the best choice possible, and you're gonna be okay. And it's actually been really nice to just not be super dialed in. I'm still making gains at the gym, they're not you know immense. I don't think I'm like putting on muscle, but I'm like eking out another rep, you know, and I'm now down to three times a week. This week it's been two. If I can go tomorrow, it'll be three. Well, really hoping I make it in tomorrow. But like, I'm doing fine. Like, oh, by the way, I'm 48. Like, to still be where I'm at, like health-wise, we're robust, we're okay. And yeah, I think those of us who are type A's like give ourselves permission. Sometimes these seasons of life are actually a blessing in terms of like, hey, you can let that go for doesn't mean like be an asshole. That's not what I'm saying, but you do not have to be so dialed in that you know you're taking away from life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah, and it does make me wonder, and I shouldn't say wonder, that's not the right word. I think grateful that with everything I've had going on from a personal standpoint, the the trauma, the grief, and then just everything that I'm trying to manage with all of my work responsibilities and having three jobs. Um, there were like four at one point, just up until about six, no, like three months ago, it was a lot to manage. And the fact that I still felt relatively good and that my health doesn't like hasn't completely gone in the shitter, that my body has not retaliated like it did three years ago. I mean, that's saying something. So I think it's a reminder that these protocols that we do, taking really good care of ourselves when we can, it is beneficial. And had I not been doing this, I think it would have flattened me. For sure.
SPEAKER_00I I think it just points to the mental side of all of this. It's funny. Well, there was one day where you know, when you're in the hospital, they do labs every every day. Um, and so of course, as a spreadsheet person, I create a spreadsheet with all my mom's labs. So every day we'd update them and I'd have them so that they would turn green if she was in range and blah blah blah. So one day her labs were not great. Um and this would happen. She would be like on a um uh a roll where like, oh, it's getting better and better, and then like she'd have a setback, right? And so she had somewhat of a setback on one day, and I could just tell it it just crushed her for the day. And at the end of the day, I was like, How would you feel had you not heard about your labs? Um, like like put that aside, what the doctor said, and you know what that said, like how do you actually feel? Like, 'cause she was doing so great, and she was like, I actually feel pretty good. And I'm like, Mm hmm. Yeah. I think you're okay. Like it's just scary, you know, when things, you know, change for whatever reason. Um, but you know, there's like there's a huge mental component, and I watched it with her. Um, you know, like you cannot ignore your mind. Um, it's so powerful. It runs the show. It it really does. And this is where I'm all for functional medicine in terms of like, you know, being a little more intricate with your looking at those labs and whatnot. But I also don't want to get so caught up that we're like so fixated on we have to get it to this number. Like, how do you feel? If you feel okay, maybe remember these ranges are ranges, you know. Yes, I know a lot of times it's skewed because we have a lot of sick people in those ranges, but at the same time, it it does mean that some people are outside of that and feel okay. Like, why are we trying to get you to a number when you're already okay? Unless it's like a risk factor, like yeah, yeah. No, like your cholesterol cannot be 300 and you're okay. Like you're a ticking time bomb. But there are certain things that I feel like you don't have to. It's okay, you're like one point off, you know, like you're feeling great, you're doing the right things, like let's let's get back in our body. And how do we feel?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and this stress will definitely make things worse. I mean, I know that for sure. And even the past couple of weeks when I got my lab results back and I saw the numbers, even though I felt okay for the most part, like I was freaking out. Up in the middle of the night, just again doing the Googling, which I know I shouldn't have, um, diagnosing myself with all of these, you know, really scary conditions. And then I think you start to manifest symptoms on top of that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So every little thing is like, oh gosh, like this really is a symptom C. I knew that's what's happening. And so it is helpful to have someone actually go over things with you and put things in perspective, or say, no, like this does need to be addressed, so it can go either way. But it's interesting. I mean, I'm a very resilient person, even though I can get anxious about my health. But last week when I was waiting for that appointment, I was pretty much in like a functional freeze mode where just the effort that it took to do anything felt so immense. And then it was also leading up to Father's Day. So I knew that was going to be hard as well. So it was just like the double whammy. But yeah, it was really challenging for me to just do like not the basics necessarily. Um, you know, I was still going to the gym and eating well and moving my body, like that stuff is just so easily on autopilot for me at this point. But it was more from like the business side of things, like my creativity felt really flat. It just it was tough.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I mean, I haven't done a social media post in a month. I mean, I just it's very hard to be in that mode while your loved ones are in crisis, you know, and and I just really didn't have the time. I'm spending, you know, all this time at the hospital, plus I'm my grandmother's caretaker. Like this, you know, I was like, that's fine. I just I would much rather my bandwidth go to my family, you know. But anyway, I was gonna say something else that I forgot. Brain fog. Brain fog. Oh gosh.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I know getting older it is kind of for the birds in some regard. It's like a blessing and a curse. You know, you feel more just confident in who you are as a person, you give less fucks, but at the same time, it is hard to watch your youth slip away.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it it's a uh combination, right? It's both and um I'm love I love my 40s. I mean, I actually had a harder time turning 30, and I don't know if that was just like that, just felt like a bigger jump from my 20s to my 30s. Um, and my 30s were hard. Um, my 20s actually were hard. My 30s actually were kind of like a lot of healing happened in my 30s, right? And then it just felt like I got to my 40s and I'm like, yeah, I'm ready for this like chapter of like feeling just confident. Um but 45 was kind of a tipping point of like, oh, okay, I'm like inching closer to 50, and that just felt more significant, you know. And um, but I really love the the confidence, I guess, empowerment that you feel as you age, but like still feel good, and that's how my 40s have felt. Like I feel good and yeah, I don't give a rat's ass about a lot. Like, I mean, I it's not that I don't care, I do. I absolutely care about what matters, but it's like there's so many things that I cared about before that I'm like that's just not important. Oh, 100%.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because everyone says their 20s are so hard. I loved my 20s. I really did. I mean, there were challenges for sure. I did not feel well physically because of my health stuff, but in terms of what I was doing and not necessarily for work, but I just loved the life that I was living in my 20s. I think that's when I met my ex-husband. So like we were having a lot of fun together. I got married. There was just excitement. And then 30s were a shit show. They were really, really hard. I started to feel better in my mid to late 30s, which that helped, but just like a lot of the loss that I was experiencing. And then the 40s, where there was definitely some of that as well. But yeah, I now it's kind of like everything is coming together where I feel good physically for the most part. I feel like I look good for my age, and I give less fucks. Absolutely. So yeah, I'm more confident just with myself. Um, so that is encouraging. But you know, it's interesting, and this is the one nice thing about social media is you can find what I call expanders. And what I mean by that is people who are of similar age and lifestyle who are living in a way that you desire to, they have something that you want. And so that can be really empowering or it can be discouraging, depending on your mindset. Right. We know that mindset matters, like it runs the show. So you could see them, be like, oh, well, she has what I don't. I could never look like that, and you know, it's too late for me, or you can see that woman and be like, hey, if she overcame her challenges, if she went from, you know, looking and feeling miserable to now thriving, having this banging body, then I can too. So I'm seeing a lot of women in their 50s who look better than they did in their 30s and 40s.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I agree that that can be um a positive of social media is seeing what's possible rather than, yeah. I would never encourage someone to compare themselves, but to just see more like it is possible. I mean, does it mean it's as easy as when you're 20? Well, no, let's be realistic about it. But you know, there's a lot is possible. Um especially as you know, um, I think technology and just science continues to move forward, we can use those to our advantage. And yeah, I mean, it's it's lovely to see kind of this I was gonna say resurgence, but I don't even think it's that, but just like this wave of like women like figuring out like, oh, like I have a lot to contribute and like I want to participate and you know, I want to do big things in life and just see them be like, yeah, I can do that. You don't have to shrink as you get older, right? I just there's one account that I follow that I just like their name, Old Lady Gains. And I'm like, I love that that it says that. I mean, not that I think I'm old, but like to just identify as like, yeah, this group of women who's aging and they're like, and and I love it, and I'm gonna still be strong and I'm still going to live life to the fullest, and I'm not gonna shrink away in the corner.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it is possible, sure. So yeah, I know it's an interesting time for you. Although I forgot to mention, apparently, I thought that I was in perimenopause. I guess I'm not okay. Yay! So so based on my progesterone, my estrogen, you would think that I was, but based on my LHFSH, I am not. I mean, like teetering for sure, sure, but that was really interesting to me.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, you're likely probably just in the beginning stages, um, which is great. D-lay, or you know, maybe it's not as I don't know. My paramenopause was not awful. Um like I said, I didn't even really notice my period was slowly dwindling the way that it was. Um hot flashes actually were not awful till the last couple years, and they're not awful, it's just more noticeable, I'll say. Um, yeah, I mean, it's just more sleep. Sleep just really took a dive. Like, oh God, and I used to be such a great sleeper.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's already taken a dive for me, so it can only get better from here. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, I'm hoping to, I guess, maybe extend the amount of time, or even if I can't extend it, which I really don't care about at this point. And to your point, I don't want to have kids either. So that's not what I'm worrying about. Yeah. But hopefully, by what I am doing with the HRT, with the lifestyle, it will mitigate any of the potential symptoms that could ex I could experience. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I just, yeah, I'm so happy that like I mean, my doctor was just like, we have you know, we have new information, you know, we know that it's safe and it can be so helpful. So she was so excited, like, and she talked to me about all my options, you know, hormonal, non-hormonal, you know, was like, what are you, you know, interested in? I'm like, well, I've done my own, you know, research and I agree. And I was like, yeah, I want to try HRT because I see what benefits it can have and it's safe, and obviously I'm gonna be monitored. So yeah, let's let's go. Let's give it a go.
SPEAKER_01All right, good stuff. Well, keep us posted. Well, everyone updated because everybody gets done. I've not received my order, but it should be here, I would say, in the next week.
SPEAKER_00Yay, yes. So it's uh that's fun to kind of just watch that stuff and yeah, it is all right.
SPEAKER_01Well, enjoy the rest of your weekend and we will talk next week. Sounds good. Okay, bye. Bye.