Episode 28: Why Knowing Your Emotional Eating Patterns Still Doesn’t Change Them

A woman said something to me recently that I hear all the time.

“I already know where this comes from. I know it’s my childhood. I know it’s because of trauma.”

And then she paused and said something incredibly honest.

“But I’m still doing it.”

She still finds herself standing in the kitchen late at night, opening the cupboard and eating something even though part of her is thinking:

Why am I doing this again? I know better.

If you’ve ever understood your patterns but still found yourself repeating them, this episode is for you.

In this episode of The Self Led Woman, I talk about why awareness alone doesn’t change emotional eating patterns and why these behaviours often continue even when you have deep self awareness.

We explore:

• why insight alone doesn’t rewire emotional patterns
 • how the nervous system uses food to regulate stress, loneliness and overwhelm
 • why warm, sweet, crunchy or heavy foods can soothe different emotional states
 • the connection between emotional eating and unmet emotional needs
 • why many women struggle to ask for support even when they need it
 • how learning to mother yourself and regulate your nervous system can begin to shift the pattern

Because emotional eating is rarely about food.

Food is often the place your system learned to regulate feelings like exhaustion, loneliness, anger or the pressure of holding everything together.

Real change happens when your nervous system experiences something different.

Support.
 Connection.
 Safety.

And when those experiences begin to land in the body, the behaviours that once felt impossible to change start to loosen their grip.

The Self Led Woman podcast is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical advice, or professional healthcare.

If this episode brings up anything difficult for you, please consider reaching out to a trained healthcare professional, therapist, or support service.

In Australia you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Butterfly Foundation National Helpline on 1800 33 4673, which provides support for people experiencing eating disorders and body image concerns.

Come find me on Instagram → ⁠⁠@megandarnelltherapy⁠⁠

Breaking the Emotional Eating Cycle is coming. If you're ready to understand what's actually driving the cycle — not the food, the parts underneath it, join the waitlist to be the first to know when doors open and receive founding member pricing. → ⁠⁠[Join the waitlist here]⁠⁠

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Self-Led Woman. This is a podcast about emotional eating, the experiences that shape our relationships with food, and the path back to self-leadership. These conversations overneath behaviour helped with deep respect for the wisdom of the body and the ways it learned to cope, adapt, and survive. And when we can peel back those layers and meet the parts of ourselves that need care, we begin to see that food was never the problem and we can return to who we really are. I'm your host, Megan Darnell. Let's dive right in. A woman said something recently to me that I hear all the time. She said, I already know where this comes from. It comes from my childhood. It's because of X, Y, and Z. And she paused for a second and then said, But I'm still doing it. She still finds herself in the kitchen, in the pantry late at night, opening the cupboard, eating something, even though a part of her is thinking, why am I doing this again? I know better. And the question she asked next is the one I want to talk about today. She said, I already understand my patterns. I know exactly why I do it. I know I do it when I'm overwhelmed or stressed. But why haven't they changed? I know exactly what to do, but I'm still doing it years later. So let me describe for you what that moment often looks like. Say you've had a long day, work's been really demanding, and you've been holding it together for everyone. Maybe the kids needed you, maybe your partner needed something, maybe someone at work has dropped the ball and it got thrown onto your plate last minute, no pun intended. But you've been capable and responsible and strong all day long, and then finally, at the end of the day, when the house is quieter, you walk into the kitchen. In that moment, you are not actually thinking about your childhood or analyzing your attachment style or reflecting on your trauma, you are just standing there feeling something. It might be exhaustion, it might be loneliness, resentment, a feeling of being unseen or unappreciated. So instead of actually just saying to someone, I've had a really hard day, or I'm having a really hard time tonight, instead of asking for a hug or calling a friend, or just checking in, like, what is it that you actually need? Instead of saying to someone, I feel really alone right now, because that's vulnerable, right? You open the cupboard and you grab something to eat. Because that's what you learn to do. Handle it yourself. The thing is, food works like it regulates us. When you eat something warm or when you crave something warm, your system, your nervous system slows down. Warm food mimics the feeling of being held. If you want to eat something sweet, there's a moment of comfort. You're actually craving sweetness, as in love. Maybe you want something crunchy and salty. Salt regulates us, but crunching food allows you to break and bite something which can release suppressed frustration or anger. The body is incredibly intelligent. It's always finding ways for us to regulate. If you're angry and like biting onto like something crunchy, you're getting a discharger of your anger. Sweetness is also like associated in Chinese medicine with earth. Earth is a mother. Earth represents so many things. Like earth nourishes us, it cares for us, it gives us everything we need. So when you're standing in the kitchen eating chocolate at night time, sometimes you're not reaching for sugar. You're reaching for like love, comfort, softness, or for the feeling of being held. But here's the deeper part around connection. Many women can't ask for what they need. They can't call someone and say, hey, I'm actually really struggling right now, or I'm actually feeling really lonely. Because somewhere earlier in life they learned that their emotions were not welcome. Maybe they when they were crying, they were told, stop crying. Don't be so sensitive. Or nothing is wrong, you're fine. Maybe when they were upset, the adults around them were too overwhelmed themselves to respond. So as little girls, we learn something very important, and that's handle this yourself. Don't be too much, don't ask for too much. And those patterns don't just disappear on their own. Even when you understand them, they live in your body, they live in your nervous system. You learn that I'm safe if I don't ask for too much. And I see this all the time with very self-aware women. They say things like, I know I emotionally eat when I'm overwhelmed, or I'm stressed, I'm stress-eating. I know I carry too much responsibility, but if I don't do it, who's going to? But here's the thing, they're not asking for it either. They're not asking for support because they learned that that's not okay. But knowing doesn't stop them from standing in the kitchen or having something. They've I have this described to me often, like something takes over my entire body, and here I am driving to the supermarket at 8 p.m. When you're standing in your kitchen at 9 p.m. You're not thinking, oh, what happened in my childhood? You're you're not looking for insight. Your body is looking for regulation. And food can do several things at once. Like I said earlier, warm food can mimic you being held. Sweet food provides the softness or the love that you didn't receive. Crunchy food releases our anger. Heavy foods can ground a nervous system that feels anxious or scattered. I often notice patterns with people who tend to have feelings of anxiety, they tend to crave carbs. They're not random behaviors, these are very, very intelligent, intelligent adaptations. And your system and your body is trying to take care of you with the tools that it learned. When you learn when you're younger, I can't ask for what I need, I can't express my emotions, but food was there, and food became a reliable source of regulation. And where people get stuck is that like awareness alone doesn't create a new experience. Understanding your childhood doesn't automatically teach your nervous system how to receive support. Understanding your patterns doesn't automatically teach you how to ask for connection, they're relational experiences, they have to be felt. That takes time, it takes healing. But being able to learn how to reach for connection instead of isolation, learning how to soothe your system in a way that doesn't require food to carry the emotional load that it's been carrying for probably decades. It's like learning how to mother yourself, you being able to feel into your body and see what you need. And I also want you to know like, no shame if you don't have those abilities. I certainly didn't, and it took me a while to learn them. But that's like being super attuned to yourself and feeling into what you need. It's like a super attuned mama bear with her baby. And when you can learn how to mother yourself in that way, which is just the most beautiful gift that you can give yourself as you're on that healing journey, and to be able to offer yourself the care, the softness, the sweetness, the love, the safety that you need, and that maybe you needed when you were younger. When that happens, something starts to shift, and it's not because you forced yourself to stop emotionally eating or try to control your way through it, but the need underneath the behavior starts getting met somewhere else, and food no longer has to do the emotional work, the pattern begins to soften. That's what I love about my work, it's so incredibly gentle, but it's so so powerful. And a lot of women have worked with me that have said this was really gentle, but then they're telling me that wow, that actually shifted the needle more than anything has before. So if you're someone who understands your patterns better than a therapist, but you still find yourself repeating them. I want you to hear this. You're not failing, you don't lack discipline, but awareness alone is not the whole process. You can't change something that lives in your body and your nervous system from your mind. The deeper shift happens when your nervous system begins to experience something different, and that includes support, connection, safety. When that begins to happen, the behaviors that once felt impossible start to loosen their grip. And just to tie this whole thing together, that whole point I made about you being able to ask for what you need, and that might not feel safe to you, that might feel really uncomfortable. I guarantee you that if you start creating this relationship, healing what needs to be healed, so you can start creating this relationship to mother yourself, you get way better at being able to ask others for what you need because you've created that safety within. Thank you so much for listening. If this episode resonated, please follow or subscribe to the podcast, leave a review, or share it with someone who might benefit from hearing it. You can also connect with me on Instagram at Megan Darnell Therapy. If you shared the episode or want to let me know what landed for you, you're always welcome to message or tag me. I love hearing from you guys. Until next time, I'm Megan Darnell, and this is the Self Led Woman.