Ep 9. How Asking Simple Questions Can Save Your Relationship From Resentment

Timestamps:
00:00 - Mastering the art of authentic communication in relationships
02:17 - Why clarity in words — especially “love” — matters more than you think
04:34 - The cultural challenges of code switching and being true to yourself
06:28 - The power of relationship audits and regular check-ins
08:02 - How honest vulnerability accelerates healing and trust
10:00 - The cycle of reinforcement: from miscommunication to meaningful connection
12:38 - Using retreats and environment shifts to gain clarity and reset
15:00 - Putting your partner’s well-being above your comfort: the true essence of sacrifice
18:38 - The hero’s journey to becoming your most authentic self
20:19 - The importance of consistent conversation, grace, and understanding
22:19 - Building genuine, loyal relationships that sharpen you
26:10 - How sharing authentic moments accelerates healing
28:36 - The dangerous lure of hidden wounds and emotional barricades
30:26 - Clarity as a tactic for relationship success
33:16 - The need for intentionality and defining relationship goals
38:43 - The significance of setting "love" and "emotional deposit" boundaries
44:14 - The cycle of authenticity fueling confidence and trust
48:39 - Moving from inauthenticity to truth with grace and courage
50:26 - The power of communication, honesty, and forgiveness in deepening bonds
62:19 - Wrap-up: embracing the journey of authentic living and loving

Unlocking Authenticity and Clarity in Relationships - The Unc Talk Podcast

Ever feel like your words are bouncing off the walls — or worse, hitting a dead end? This episode is your VIP pass to mastering that secret sauce: authentic, clear communication. From relationship deep-dives to real talk about black masculinity, we've got you covered.

In this episode:

• Why clarity is the foundation of all meaningful conversations
• The importance of defining words like "love" to avoid misunderstandings
• How authenticity and vulnerability can heal wounds and foster trust
• Practical tips for regular relationship audits and check-ins
• The impact of cultural expression and code switching on authentic living
• Moving from the “dark side” of miscommunication to the cycle of positive reinforcement
• Lessons from retreats about slowing down for clarity and growth
• The role of honesty, patience, and grace in building deep connections

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:11

Hey, welcome to the This is the Uncle Talk Podcast. We're dedicated to empowering uncles and inspiring nephews. We provide a space for informal mentorship, sharing the recipes for success in relationships, finances, and personal development that are often lost in today's disconnected world. I'm sitting here, I'm Mr. Get a Job, aka Germaine. And I have my lovely colleagues and brothers. I am lovely.

SPEAKER_03 0:40

This is Joe from work.

SPEAKER_02 0:41

He's Jared. Yes, thanks, thanks, thanks, guys. So if you're following on, if you're following with us and you've kept up, episode eight was we had Mr. Mr. Tom Loy on with us, great sexual therapist, relationship therapist, and we are doing the follow-up episode. So we are there was so much that was covered in the episode, and we want to give it some breath, flush it out, and provide the space to be able to dive in and comment. So next couple episodes will be a full commentary episode um of the of Mr. Todd's interview. So man, I think with that, man, let's just jump right in to what we have. And I know for the pe for the listeners, what we're doing is we're gonna jump between a snippet of the episode, and then we'll just jump into our commentary. So just for the listeners, if you if it sounds a little weird, just we'll give you a little break in um in between episode and comment. But if you're on YouTube, like and subscribe. And uh that'll never get all the same, man. I'll never so all right. Let's dive right into our first clip.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Uh, here we go. I like it. I figured that that wasn't a bad thing. Can you guys hear? In between the licensed marriage and family, my eclectic life, seminary school, also serving as a pastor for seven years, and and everything else has kind of put me together to really be able to be a part of the solution to the ills of society as opposed to a part of the problem. Because ultimately, all I've ever wanted to do is to help people be the authentic self that's inside that doesn't always happen outwardly. So as my through my eclectic life, through my academic training and et cetera, et cetera, it allows me to do that effectively today. So, irrespective of the testimony and how it came to pass, it did all come together for the good. I just had to live long enough and apply myself for it all to come together to make sense. So that's how I got here. It's culmination of experience of life.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

So I think we're just gonna dive right in and shoot. Stop sharing. Let's go right in, Joe. I think this is you. Let's toss it up.

SPEAKER_03 3:15

I I loved it. I loved it. Because it's he talked about being that authentic self that you are inside. Everybody is who they want to be mostly inside, man. But sometimes you don't want to bring that out, whether you're afraid, whether you're embarrassed, or they may not think this is cool. I love drawing that out of people. I love making sure that somebody's comfortable enough to be who you are, because I'm gonna tell you, there's all there's there's a type of freedom that comes with that. When you get over that hump, when you get up to the other side of worrying about what everybody else thinks, you don't need to worry about any of that. Just be you. If you like singing Disney songs at karaoke, do it. If you like dancing to whatever, do it. Do it to be who you are, you know? And what I really love about being able to do that is once somebody recognizes that, hey, oh, on the other side of that wall, it was it was okay, it it allows them to explore that space because they've been that person cooped up all inside. And now they get to be that person out in the world they live in. And that opens up so many options for them, man. And it's it's beautiful to watch somebody blossom in that way, to watch somebody grow in that way, because it's a direction they didn't know they can go in. You know, they were either too afraid or too whatever, whatever it was, right? Um, I know that a lot of the times, you know, we're not allowed to be who we are. You know, we're not allowed to show the emotion. I'm talking about as men, as black men in particular, um, on a lot of issues, on maybe every issue. You know, we're supposed to just suck it up, you know, man up. You know, all those those sort of things, while they have their place, every situation doesn't call for that. Sometimes you need to be emotional about something. Sometimes you need to feel some of that pain so that you can heal from it. Because I'm gonna tell you what happens to pain when it just sits there and you don't deal with it, it festers and then it comes out in all these other weird ways that you know you you might not see or you might not notice. But um, but like I was saying, though, that that sort of freedom, uh, to be your authentic self, it's it it's it's how you grow the most, I think, uh, as a person when you when you don't have that and then it gets that gets unshackled. It's a big weight. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Like freedom's important, especially when it comes to the mental freedom you get being able to be your authentic self. Like um, you know, being in corporate America, there's so much just um there's so much thought every single day that is just an underlying script of what you've got to deal with, either in a corporate setting or a setting where you're, you know, one of the few, especially if you're a black male. And so having the freedom to be yourself um without constantly thinking, okay, I've got to I've got to counteract this stereotype, I've got to reject this stereotype. Or, you know, you're in a in a setting where um that is a strong force um where you've got to perform or you've got to assimilate, so on and so forth. And and that goes along with so many other aspects of authentic needing to be authentic. So, for example, like there's just the kind of cultural erasure we have of black culture just in society altogether. And so that leads to things like code switching. Um code switching. I mean, you get abduct at that pretty quick, you get good at it sometimes without even noticing it. But um a lot of that is Yeah, the pressure, and a lot of that is it leads to you having to be inauthentic. Um, because you usually gotta switch up how you speak, switch up how you dress, you know, tie your hair back because you can't express your uh that that cultural aspect of your identity. Well, maybe not that one. It's the yeah, and it's the stereotypes too. Like there's there's so much we've got to do to ensure we're not seen as this or not seen as that. I can't I can't react or respond the way I need or want to because I'll be then it'll be seen as a detriment, you know, to me or to my brand or to me, or something like that. So I think just it's very important to if you have that skill set where people can feel like they can be themselves around you or feel like they can be their authenti authentic selves around you, um, that's something to be honed. I think my daughter has that skill set. Um they're kind of she and two of the other, two or three of the other um homeschool students are are part of like the welcome committee. So whenever we have a home homeschool kid come to be part of our group, um they're part of the kids that want, you know, run them to and make them feel welcome, ask them what their name is, ask them what they're into, just um making sure that they feel connected, you know. Right. And there's a little bit of of a feeling it out because not all kids are the same, and some of the local introvert, and that can be a little bit more uh overwhelming uh for some, but it's all about ensuring that the kids know that they can be themselves, which is generally all kids want to do. All kids just want to do, and all people for that matter, just want to be themselves because it's so mentally taxing. Exactly. There you go. So mentally taxing to be someone you're not thinking somehow you you don't normally you don't actually think, um, conform. It's just so mentally taxing to do. Um so that's why I think it was just such a great thing for him to say, not only to strive to be your most authentic self, but if you have the ability to help others feel that way in some way, shape, or form, it's also important to do. 100%.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

100%. You know, we never we always need to remember that the world needs what you have. You know, whenever but whenever you remember that what's inside of you is a gift and it needs to be presented to the world, and uh it don't necessarily mean we need to put it on, you know, we get on we get on a stage or anything, but yeah, that I I happen to believe that um if you're not pouring out into the world, the world is missing something. And they don't need the the funky, fresh, fake version of that. They need the authentic, real version of what you what you have inside of you. And so the the closer we can be to providing that and helping people break out of their shell, letting them know you don't you don't you don't need to do the the you don't need to cover up what's inside of you. Um and and and allowing people giving people the space, I think, to be authentic is the is the best, you know, it's it's the ultimate good, I think. Um and man, I'm I'm so glad he was able to you you can all you can see the the hunger in his in his mission whenever he talks about it. Yeah. He just is like you know, he I I like how he phrases it. He he combines the the the doing good and and helping people be authentic. Like that's the mission. It's the ultimate good of helping them the hero's journey, you know. We we we talk about anime all the time. We're gonna we're gonna keep talking about anime. Shout out to my cousin for for bringing it up. But um, you know, the hero's journey, the the ultimate journey to being the the the authentic self, the the what's inside out, right? You know, that's that's the quintessential story that um and and we need to remind people that's the that's the story of your life. That's the adventure of a lifetime. Yeah, exactly. That's us. It's the adventure of a lifetime. And if you're not living that adventure, you that's why your life is feels dull. Your life feels dull because you're not striving for that adventure of becoming the most authentic version of yourself. And and the and the more you're striving toward that adventure, the more you're striving toward that toward toward toward oneness with that authentic authenticity, you are then fulfilling the inner calling that's within you that needs to be fulfilled. So, dude. Okay, Jimmy. I see you.

SPEAKER_04 12:31

Let them cook. Let them cook. All right, I see you. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

But man, you know, we could we can do a whole episode on authenticity because man, we struggle with that. And and what is the identity of of go for it, man.

SPEAKER_00 12:48

I was I was gonna say this, um, just mostly because this is this is black male centric, and as as technology can kind of continues to just be even more pervasive in our lives, it's genuine connections that we'll start to strive for, and it's general uh genuine connections that are a impactful component to overall mental health. And one way to build genuine connections is with authenticity authenticity. Authenticity leads to trust, leads to confidence, um, and leads to more loyal and profitable relationships. Um with other people where valuable. Profitable more so like in like that's more like the biblical sense, is kind of what I'm into.

SPEAKER_05 13:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Um like profitable, but yes, valuable where it is an iron sharpening iron confidence type of relationship, um, which is what we need, which we get the benefit of having someone that's walking through life with us, but then also the benefit of someone um that is able to correct and able to um you know do some guiding um within what we may need at any given point in time as we always haven't someone like that.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

Like a note. Let me let me break in, man. Let me break in, man. Let me break in. Let me let me just tell you. And the reason why this strikes such a while while I'm just yeah, yeah, yeah. I see you. I see let me let me tell you. The reason why this is so important is I mean, in our last retreat when we went to Portland, um, and and if for the audience, we do uh an annual retreat with guys where we just go off to some mountains or some waterfalls or some um whatever, you know, secluded locations where we all get together, we sharpen each other, we build, we meditate, we go out and do some commute, you know, some community activities and hang out, and we recharge ourselves so that we can be better men in this world. So stay tuned for that. That we we definitely want to invite you all to join us in one of those retreats, uh, because we'll definitely be doing that and offering that to the audience. But I digress. Let me go back. During one of our retreats, I was just so heavy, the last one that we did, and uh Joe showed up a little late to the retreat. Um, because you know he's had he recently just had a baby. Um just had a baby? Joseph Joseph he was son, he was pregnant.

SPEAKER_03 15:39

Oh, we talked about during the last retreat.

SPEAKER_02 15:42

That was she just had a baby. Yeah, she was pregnant. One of the two. Yeah, I think she just had it actually. And you was on the fence about being able to come. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:54

Yeah, visiting us as well. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, you're right. My bad, my bad.

SPEAKER_02 15:57

So he came a little late. But here's the thing, I was sitting down there, and we was it was when we started making all that bacon. We just was like, we're gonna have BLTs.

SPEAKER_05 16:05

And we just made a pack of them.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Yeah, Brandon, yeah, Brandon was late, and then you guys were up kind of, I guess, waiting for him because his flight came in late.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

Chilling.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

So we're sitting there, we were sitting there, you're right, you're right.

SPEAKER_02 16:20

It was Brandon late, but with me and I was just so heavy, and I just started unloading to show some on some about with some shit. And in that moment of authenticity that we had, uh, me just being vulnerable and being authentic with this good brother, one, it built our I I think it built it brought us close, it gave it gave us a better closeness with each other. It it sort of helped him um get to know me a little bit better because again, I'm not I'm I'm I was the outsider, you know. Um you know, I was kind of I'm the last one here, as they like to say. Last one to the bar. And so, you know, I'm odd men out still sometimes, but it just broke down so many walls. And Joe was able to offer some incredibly needed advice and insight into the issue that I was dealing with. And so the key is people, you can't provide the bomb or the ointment for a wound if you don't let people see it, if you don't open it up to the air and let it breathe. And not that all authentic moments have to be some deep wound that you're hiding. Right, right. And sometimes there are deep wounds that you're hiding that need to be healed in order to build again, fulfill that's that hero arc and help you grow from it. Get that that cool scar on your arm. Um and so um what he was able to provide ultimately catapulted me into being able to heal that wound and gave me the the strength to even be able to um you know not not not solve the problem because that was that's never never it's never gonna change. It's something that's not gonna change. But it was able for me to to to fortify myself and build myself up to be able to face that problem head on and then to be able to to wrestle with it and put it away and move forward with strength and and and just um and and boldness. And so I am keen on this because again, I'm one who normally is a person who is very much so keeping the corporate mask on, because I mean, this is just kind of my persona, and I'm corporate America kind of thing. But in that moment of authenticity, I was able to just get real, quite frankly, frankly, healing.

SPEAKER_03 19:11

And, you know, I love you for that, brother. Hey man, it's all love. That makes me so happy, dude. Yeah, yeah. Um I'm just I'm happy I could help, brother. That's it's it's what I'm here for. I I promise you, man. It's just what I'm here for. I'm uh I'm a big, I'm just a big get to know you type of person. And I want to know you. I want to know you. Because, you know, it may be for selfish reasons, right? It's so I can craft a joke that I know you're just gonna love. You know, I like to entertain, but in in trying to get to that point, we cross so many other things, you know, and I I'm I'm just I'm I'm honored that you that you would share with me, man, because it's it's it's what I'm good at. I love people, man, and I love you. But you know, I just I I love healing, I love helping. It's it's one of those things. I'm telling you, that's why I really loved what he said to do good and help people be up there. Because it's it's funny because it's the healing portion is something I guess I don't think about. The healing and the freedom, I think that's all one thing. Whatever that thing is on the other side of it, you know, where it was like, oh, it was okay to do not only was it okay, but I'm better for it. You know, and and that just makes it easier the next time and the next time and the next time until it builds into something that like what you see here, what we're trying to share in that uh space of vulnerability where we can discuss these things that frankly a lot of people don't get to discuss. And then when they run into it in the real world, oops, I don't know what to do, and I'm panicking, and I'm making the wrong, you know, and that's that sort of misguidedness or non-guidedness, it needs to be stopped. That's it's it's not a good look. All right. It's not a good look. All right, that's that's not a good look.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

It's making us lonely. It's creating loneliness.

SPEAKER_03 21:15

It's it's not a good look, and it's it's and and that lonely, and let me tell you, and what's not getting blamed is that lack of leadership, that lack of guidance. It's it's always it's these girls, they don't want the it's it's all it's something else.

SPEAKER_02 21:28

But it's always them. It's always them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And and and and that's that's the point of this journey that we're making. We're taking accountability here. It's not about they won't let us. It's we need to have the faith and the strength to be our authentic self. Or at least try to strive for it. So anyways, let me uh it it I know we can go off and on, but let let's let's push through our and and maybe maybe we'll do an episode on that. Uh, but I think what we'll do is jump into another piece of this. And so you do you get you are you guys did hear that clip the last one pretty good, right? Yeah. Yes, sir. Alright. Well, I think I got it queued up here. And we'll be able to jump right into it. Let's go.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

Well, first and foremost, you have to recognize that when you meet somebody, you met them that day. And then every day after. I really like that. Yeah, that's right. And so, as opposed to thinking you know somebody, you should canonize what you should do is say, hey, have like Jay-Z moments. Allow me to reintroduce myself. Right. Because through different seasons, change. Even in the natural cycle of life, every seven years, every seven years, you're a different person. Why? Because through the cutting of your hair, the washing of your body, the cells are leaving your hair, cells are coming off your body. You shed like a snake. So if every year, naturally in science is already proven we're always changing, why is that when I met somebody at 20, 25, whatever, now she's 60, and I'm just saying, well, you've changed. She's supposed to. Yeah, exactly. So, but why are we not looking at our partners like students? Why are we not exploring and being creative? And as we're having new thoughts and ideas and even new sexual positions, because don't nobody want to have missionary all day, all day. Nobody wants to eat spaghetti every day. So why not we have these real conversations so we can actually begin to introduce introduce ourselves to each other on a more consistent basis? Yeah. And you're a particular relationship that I'm familiar with. They when I when I asked my mentor how long she was married when I first met her, she said I was married 50 years, and she said, No, I've been married 50 individual years. I said, What does that mean? She says every year between Christmas and New Year's, we have a conversation about whether we want to stay married and what we can carry into the next year and what ain't going. And she said, There have been some tight years that we might have there were some tight years we we just made it through, but now they now they're like 75 years, 75 years in. All right. All right. Because but every year what they do is they get rid of the baggage, they don't let the baggage build up. Yeah. And then build up the resentment and bitterness to where you don't like each other no more. Then then we start acting out of character.

SPEAKER_02 24:43

So um I know I I know you wanted to hit on something, Jared. So jump on in and dive right on in, man.

SPEAKER_00 24:50

That that one hits um, you know, mostly because it's the process is a painful process, and he's talking about it happening with that level of frequency and consistency. Especially, you know, he gave an example of you know, a question being asked in a relationship of, okay, well, you know, do you still want to be in this or not? Which is a deep question in a relationship, specifically, you know, if you've been in one for a long time or a short time, you've got kids, no kids, like all that kind of what it takes to have an honest conversation like that with your partner, um, is immense. Like it is immense. The amount of vulnerability that we're talking about that you have to have trust um and in communication with your you know, with your partner, for that to be a valuable conversation and actually impactful and effective to get somewhere um because you've got to you've gotta have a level of introspection as well. To be honest with yourself. So you then can be truly honest with the person that you're that you're talking to, the person that you're in a relationship with. I think um it's definitely uh something that I can't say that um I would have on a yearly basis like that, exactly like that. I'd have to find a way for my wife and I to like do it more throughout like throughout the year, or just kind of like check-ins and stuff like that. Like, hey, you know, like how was we haven't had a date in a long time. You you know, you want to go on a date, or we haven't we used to do this, you know. Do you still is that still cool with you? That's a big one. We used to do X. Yeah, uh that's a good one there, man. Yeah, and um and then also noticing shifts. So there are kind of two ways I wanted to take this. One of them was there's there's a verse, 1 Peter 3, 7 that says, Love your life and understanding. Um, that's the A part of the verse, and applying it to relationships is one of the best ways to find a healthy point in a relationship. Because that's more so like Dr. Todd was saying, when you first meet somebody, you meet them in that particular moment, that particular season, that particular situation. You know, where they are from a maturity standpoint is one thing. Um, and that's not even withstanding you having major life events, you know, like having children or getting married, or you know, someone underposing someone in their family. So with those types of things, you even get down the line in a relationship five, 10, 15 years, if you're lucky, something like that, and you're trying to understand why things are going the way they are, or rather, why that yearly conversation is happening the way it is. Um that verse I I I communicate to people quite a bit because what it is, it's um usually to men and their and their wives is loving your wife and understanding is active study of her, her personality, her skills, her likes, dislikes, her emotional landscape, what she's passionate about, how to support her. Um we talk about you know love languages. That's one model you can use, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of kindness, things like that. Um, but it is also learning how to communicate specifically to her. How to communicate those things specifically to your listening to understand, not you know, not to fix her problems or go right into solutioning uh like you like to do when they're talking. Let me just solve the problem. Um, just kind of letting, you know, just letting her express how she's feeling about something and being okay with that and not feeling like it's gotta be one way or another. Um, emotional support, being able to provide a safe space, a safe environment, um for to be able to bring things up that she's concerned about um and not immediately, you know, uh invalidating her thoughts or feelings or minimizing her thoughts or feelings because you might be in it to deal with that particular thing at the moment. So you're not too sure how to react or response. And the last thing that I think is most important, and Joseph, you touched a little bit on this um when when it was brought up about minimizing your own wants or feelings for someone else or for for the relationship. It came out similar to that. And I think I I understood what you were trying to say. And um, and I know that's a a perspective that can get out of context, specifically when it comes to the sacrificial servant type of leadership a husband should have in a relationship, which is a Christ-like um relationship where you're putting your wife's well-being above your own comforts. So it's not putting your wife's well-being above your well-being, which kind of is how it gets, it can get in misinterpreted, but it's putting your wife's well-being above well-being, which is of a higher value than your own comforts, which is of lower value. We all know how comfortable it is being a man. Like we we all know what you gotta step up in ways that you don't want to step on. You gotta do the things, you gotta make the sacrifices, you gotta, if it's long nights, it's heavy weights on your shoulders. We know what it's like being a man. So we know it's uncomfortable. That's that's the state, that's why we're we are built the way we're built as men. Um, but it is to you gotta jump, Jermaine. Yeah, but it is it is for the purposes of elevating your wife's well-being, especially if if if you've got kids and this is you know, you're the mother of your children. Right, right. Like whether you're married or not, if it's the mother of your children, whether she's I mean, I I can understand, I'm not in one of my own, never been in one, but I can understand difficult relations or difficult um fam familial um situation. It was the word I think dynamics, yes. Uh familiar dynamics. And so even with that being said, um uh doing that every single year, if you're doing those things throughout the year, that conversation at the end of the year um looks a little different, uh quite a bit different.

SPEAKER_02 31:57

100%, man.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

100%.

SPEAKER_02 32:00

You know, and and and the I mean the main thing that we we always stress is that that relationship audit card frankly. Yeah, it's it's just it's just providing a sense where uh uh an intentional point in the relationship where you sit down and you speak intentionally. And that's the key word is again, it's intentional. And I I know you were talking about the cadence, you know, maybe you wouldn't want to do it every year or so on and so forth. I know in my family, we have to do it every year. I mean, quite frankly, we've got five little ones. The calendar behind me right here, that's behind my head, that's part of our planning. Where we sit down and we we we put different dates we need or holidays or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

That's part of our little bitty calendar back there.

SPEAKER_02 32:56

Yeah, the the little bitty one.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

I gotta be fitting stuff on it.

SPEAKER_02 33:00

You know, and it has every day of the year, and we sat down now. We we and for us, what we've had to do is we've had to actually have two a year where we have to sit down mid-year and be like, all right, all that shit we talked about in the beginning, is it still applicable? Is it still good? Um I know that you know, myself and you know you know, my wife, we went through we're going through a rough patch. And so part of it, part of the conversation has been having the the conversation twice a year and be like, eh, I mean, you still want to do this? Like, or you know like I mean and it's not that either you do or you don't, but asking the question allows you to think through it to give your verbal yes or no. And and if it's and and maybe it is a a yes, but that yes is heard, it's spoken, and it it it there's there's something to um you know, going back a little bit, I am a big believer in words are power. I mean words created life. You know, words are the operating system, words are the code for the operating system of life. So as you speak, you're coding into life. Just like an operating system. Just like just like if you were coding C or Python, you're using your words, you're you're creating the code to create little programs into in in life. And so just being able to speak it out loud, getting it out of your head, speaking it reinforces the yes in the relationship. And then and then the you know, something that you know Mr. Todd was talking about at the be at the end of his clip that uh if you skip past it, if you if you if you didn't listen too long, you almost missed it. But that this very exercise helps relieve that bitterness, resentment, um, out-of-character cycle that we get. We get resentful, we get bitter, we get out of character. Or quite frankly, angry. And so breaking that loop is just the intentionality of being keep that keeping that relationship audit, being intentional about the the the language that you use and reinforcing it with the questions that you ask can um can really drive you know you know value in your relationship. And then I know I'm trying to cut you off, Joe. I like that. I like that. Let me uh I'm gonna toss it back to you, man, because I know I cut you off a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 35:53

Sorry about that. No, that's all good, bro. That's all good. I needed to hear that. Um one thing I wanted to double back on what Jerry was saying, another thing you gotta have with these conversations is grace.

unknown 36:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:05

Because sometimes you might not want to hear you know the things that have been bothering your wife about you. And you, you know, you gotta you gotta put that ego aside. You gotta put all that this is this is a real conversation. Real conversations don't have any of those things in them.

SPEAKER_05 36:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:25

And why do we put that ego aside? Because your ego is not your amigo. It ain't your friend. All right. It's only gonna hurt you. It ain't there for you. It's there for it. I'm telling you. And you you gotta understand that this conversation is about understanding. It's about understanding. It's about, you know, because it it may not always be, you know, do we want to say together, but it might be, hey, these things need to change before that resentment turns into bitterness. You know, like that it's that's very important to do because change, while it's not terribly hard, right? It ain't easy. But if you don't know you need to do it, that's also a problem. And and sometimes maybe it's not even that you don't know you need to do it, it's just that you know you need to do it, but ain't nobody said nothing about it. So, you know what I'm saying? It can't be that bad.

SPEAKER_04 37:25

You know, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 37:26

I'll I'll I'll twist anything to get me to stay acting a way I want to act. You know what I mean? And so sometimes you like you talk about speaking it into power, hearing it. Hey, that thing that I know you know, I know too. Oh, oh yeah, that. I'll uh I'll correct that. So I'll fix that. I'll fix that. That's uh fix it in post.

SPEAKER_04 37:50

I'll fix that in post. I'll fix it in post, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 37:53

I love it. But that's that's important to get across whenever you do have these conversations, because that's one thing when we talked about love and money that we talked about. You're talking about the audit, you know, of the relationship. You you you gotta talk about it. You gotta talk about it. As much as you have to talk about your budget, there's a a love budget that needs to be uh understood by by both parties, you know? Not the love budget. I like that actually. I'm I'm telling you, because look, hey, where's my love going? Yeah. Because here's the thing, right? If I think that I'm showering you with my love and you over there broke in love, it ain't gonna work. And get and I and we both gonna be mad. Yeah, and it's gonna be each other's fault to each to want so to be able to, hey, no, you know, you is you was pissing away all that love over there. My I only take bills in this slot. You sitting there throwing all these coins, you gotta convert it. This is Canadian money? What's going on here? Yeah, and so it's it's really important to have the conversation to get on the same page, you know. Uh spend over here.

SPEAKER_00 39:04

That's right. All right. And I'd say also there are times when we when we do things, we think we don't know our relationships or emotion or emotional withdrawals. And there are times where we think we're making a deposit into that relationship or the emotional deposit, and it's actually a withdrawal.

SPEAKER_02 39:25

You're tapping out.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

So tapping out, yeah. And then our we don't our wives or whomever doesn't, you don't see the reaction to it, especially immediately. She doesn't show you it. You you experience it on the back end, you mess up, you do something, you think you're doing something for the for the good of things. It's like actually, you know, overdraft. Yeah, that's wearing her out.

SPEAKER_03 39:46

That's yeah, stressing her out and instability is uh that's fucked up, man. But that's real though. Yeah, I like that. Because that's a common situation, right? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You see it a lot. The miscommunication. I mean it goes back to communication, right? This is all of this is really just talking about having an open and honest communication with your wife. You know, I told y'all, man, you know, yeah, we've been together 25 years, but there was a part at the beginning where we had to start over because it's because communication wasn't our foundation. You know what I mean? Um yeah, we had a ton of fun. But what's my favorite color? You know, it's like there were things that became important to me that I didn't know would be important to me. About how we like you talk about there, there should be a way that you communicate. We had a way of communicating that wasn't helpful. You know what I mean? Again, we can have fun on physical, but that's not engaging our minds, that's not growing together as a couple. And that that communication is not a love language at all, okay? And so rebuilding that with communication first and just exploring each other's, I don't want to say psyche, but just who who we are at at that moment, by the way. Okay, was so beneficial to building who we became. All right, because we became a couple, all right. It it started out as two people, but we were so entangled. All right, shout out Jada Pinkett. We're so entangled, man, that and I'm talking about because of the hair, nothing, but um that it's like it's it's it's impossible for me to to think about what it would be like if we never try to push past.

SPEAKER_04 42:02

If we never had that sort of communication, man.

SPEAKER_02 42:11

Sorry, sorry, sorry. That's my fault.

SPEAKER_03 42:13

That's our fault. It gotta stop. It happens. I can't help myself sometimes. I try to stop.

SPEAKER_02 42:20

No, no, no, no, no. It's all good, it's all good. It's the fact that you you you doubled down.

SPEAKER_00 42:26

Um that that joke came at such an an actual expense. Yeah, like the actual expense that that joke came at.

SPEAKER_03 42:38

And that's that's maybe uh my wife wouldn't agree. My only flaw, dude. I'll do I'll do anything for the joke, man. I'll sacrifice anything. I'll sacrifice anything for it.

SPEAKER_02 42:52

Look, look, let's just let's just move on, man. Let's just move on. Okay, so we got one more clip, uh, or maybe two. We'll we'll see what if time permits. Again, this is gonna be a couple series. We're gonna do a couple episodes, two or three episodes on on the follow-up, because there's just so much. I mean, we've only gone through two clips and shoot, we've been on here almost 50 minutes. So let me let me dive right into the next one here. I think I've got it queued up. And actually, I think it's sort of a it's almost a continuation of kind of what we were talking about with the relationship audit. It's basically a tactic that we can use to create that relationship audit.

SPEAKER_01 43:32

So let's let's listen in. Well, the best way to figure it out is keep asking questions, ask for clear.

SPEAKER_03 43:37

There we go. There you go. Yeah, you know asking questions.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

I like that. For example, real real talk, real talk. We we guys here. So when someone says, I love you, you you you should we go, oh that's nice. You should ask a question. Well, what does that mean? Because you ask 10 people what love means, you're gonna get 10 different different definitions. What we do is take somebody's, we take our definition and put it on somebody else's word. And then we get mad at them because that meaning, you know, when they said I love you, I want you a wife, he said you can be my wife. But only for tonight. Because we're not asking for clarity. We assume our perception is not the other person's truth. So we haven't we don't ask for clarity enough. We just assume that we know. Because think about this nobody teaches us how to be buried or in relationships.

SPEAKER_02 44:39

He's really going into the importance of clarity as a tactic of doing that relationship audit. That was actually just right after he was talking about the relationship audit. Asking for clarity. You know, asking in relationships, and I'm not even just I'm not even just being specific about like marriage relationships, but in any relationship, asking for basic clarity is gonna be a foundational principle of communication. Being able to um align on definitions of what we mean. In the clip, Mr. Todd said uh somebody says I love you, and that can mean something completely different. I love you means hey, I need that cat right now, and I love you. Okay? But if somebody says I love you, some people mean oh, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And those two definitions of interpretations of what I love you means can mean are are are are spaces away from each other. And so what happens is as that distance is further apart on what we mean by our definitions of what we're saying, it creates resentment, creates that cycle of disappointment, creates that cycle of bitterness, because creates that cycle of you know, you withdrawing when you think it's a deposit. And so, you know, we I think that's the chief part of communication that we all miss because we think, oh, well, she know what I mean. I smacked her on a booty. She knew I she knew what I meant. Yeah. No. Maybe she maybe smacking on her booty meant that she that meant I I don't like you right now. Uh look. And despite what we might think, not all women like the booty slap. I didn't even know this. I was like, what do they just force it on all of them?

SPEAKER_04 46:51

But we force it on every single one of them. We do.

SPEAKER_00 46:55

What do you say, Jay? I said they just let you do it.

SPEAKER_04 46:59

Right, right, exactly. Exactly. Right.

SPEAKER_02 47:03

And the fact that we all know the booty slap here means it is a universal principle of hit, you know what it is. We've all perfected it too. Yeah, it's not like we have heard of it, okay? Like it's the right angle, too. You're gonna hit that right angle. And here's the thing some people, some women feel that's degrading, even if it is from their husband. You're not wrong. Now, we we and and giving giving somebody space and c and and clarifying, hey babe, you know, just so you know, when I do that, that means I love you. But how do you receive it? Yeah. Let's let's get some clarity. Because if you don't receive it that way, then you know, I mean, look. And this is we're going dark here a little bit, but the person who is is is is abusing his wife or or slapping around his wife or putting hands on, or what I like to call knickknack paddywhack. Like sorry.

SPEAKER_04 48:20

Okay, all right. Okay, look, if if you're playing that game. Sorry, sorry.

SPEAKER_02 48:31

Look, look. We're we're joking. We all joke. Look. Anyways, okay.

SPEAKER_03 48:37

That's what I'm gonna call it from now on.

SPEAKER_02 48:43

But but let's but here's the thing. All seriousness, in all seriousness, the person who is who is doing that with their with their with their wife, or with we gotta do something else.

SPEAKER_03 48:57

We gotta start over. I got all these damn old McDonald references. I'm trying to craft. What did you even say?

SPEAKER_04 49:08

Is that like he threw me he's he's throwing me all off, man.

SPEAKER_02 49:15

We gotta reset. We gotta reset. We gotta reset. We gotta reset. Yeah. Okay, we'll mark that up. This is gonna be the most edited episode we've ever done. Anyway. Oh shit. You can tell it's late, boy.

SPEAKER_03 49:32

We're getting delirious out this motherfucker, man.

SPEAKER_04 49:38

You gotta you gotta do this when you start the top of the top. Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_03 49:58

We're about to anyway, Sora about to have fun with this, though.

SPEAKER_02 50:09

Oh, I'm so glad we can add it. I'm so glad we can add it. That's fine. Dark on it.

SPEAKER_05 50:15

Woo! Okay.

SPEAKER_02 50:17

This is alive, dog.

SPEAKER_04 50:18

We just gonna cut fade to black, dude. It's over, dog. That's when you do the when you do the word. Exactly, yeah. Yeah. Put a station code up, nigga. We out of here, dude.

SPEAKER_03 50:35

Shit. We need to have like a button just to look at Max Headroom comes on. We're gonna get out, nigga. We can just be done. Just cut the lines. Cut the feed.

SPEAKER_04 50:46

Cut the feed. Cut the feed. Hey, yeah, exactly. Cut the feed. Jeez. All right. Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_02 50:55

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_05 50:57

All right.

SPEAKER_02 51:01

Um that's a silence club. I think I'm wearing the same shirt as I am in the episode. You were in that episode, yeah. Oh, shit. Okay. All right. Back on to. Anyways, as we were saying, when when when if there is uh somebody who's enduring um relationship abuse uh in in their relationship, the man that is abusing is not I can't not think about it now.

SPEAKER_04 51:39

I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is happening, boy. Hold on, dude. Hold the fuck on. Hold the fuck on. Hold on. I can't. Alright, let's hold on now. Hold on, man.

SPEAKER_03 51:57

Let me get the silly's out. Hold on, dude. Oh, I'm sorry, man. You know what?

SPEAKER_02 52:04

We'll move past that. We'll move past that. We'll move past that. Sorry, man.

SPEAKER_04 52:12

My brain was like, nah, not today, nigga. Don't try to fucking forget, nigga. Oh my God. I feel like I'm in an SNL sketch or some shit. That was crazy. And it was like the serious nature of the conversation fucking dampened.

SPEAKER_03 52:36

It's like, oh, that's what you call it. Dude, oh my God.

SPEAKER_05 52:47

Oh. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_02 52:51

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 52:54

This shit went off the rails quick, bro. Oh. Okay, man.

SPEAKER_04 53:01

I got it, man. I got it, man.

SPEAKER_02 53:04

I don't know if we should just leave this in or not, but whatever.

unknown 53:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:08

We can finish big time. That was funny.

SPEAKER_02 53:12

Anyways. Look, you know what? We can rap, man. We can rap.

SPEAKER_04 53:18

This might be about to be 36 minutes, right? Okay. Oh. We can rap. Let's bake this one, alright? At least this one, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 53:31

Let's at least get our outros. Oh man. This has been one crazy episode, guys. Uh do a you know, we went off the rails. But we definitely will continue the conversation with uh Mr. Todd and his interview, but I am Mr. Get a job, aka Jermaine's joke for work, man.

SPEAKER_04 54:03

Y'all y'all be cool, man.

SPEAKER_02 54:05

I'm good. I'm done. Yeah, he's scared. Guys, I love you, and uh man, we'll be back next week. Peace out. Maybe I'm gonna go back to the c