Unc Talk Podcast
“Empowering Uncles and Inspiring Nephews” This is real talk for uncles and providing the roadmap for the nephews.
Unc Talk Podcast
Ep 10 Are You Really Listening?? Communication and Vulnerability in Relationships
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Summary
This episode features a deep and candid conversation about mental health, childhood trauma, relationships, and personal growth among Black men. The hosts share personal experiences with therapy, coping mechanisms, and the importance of vulnerability and communication in building healthier lives.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Unk Talk Podcast
06:00 Exploring Childhood Trauma and Coping Mechanisms
06:11 The Importance of Therapy
08:43 Communication in Relationships
10:53 Understanding Adult Behavior and Maturity
12:44 The Need for Self-Reflection and Accountability
17:07 The Desire to Be Wanted
23:40 Navigating Duality in Identity and Relationships
28:14 Exploring Desires and Attractions
29:42 Navigating Emotional Intimacy
30:41 The Importance of Communication in Relationships
31:53 Bringing Whimsy and Creativity Back
34:02 Transforming Attraction into Relationship Growth
36:16 Preparing for Empty Nesting
38:25 Gaining Perspective on Childhood Experiences
43:48 The Power of Reframing and Self-Reflection
46:36 The Impact of Timing on Fame
47:26 The Complexity of Elite Athletes' Mindsets
49:25 The Importance of Forgiveness
51:28 Letting Go of Bitterness
53:03 Changing Perspectives on Conflict
55:14 Understanding Power Dynamics
57:50 Navigating Microaggressions in Corporate Settings
01:00:48 Game Theory and Social Interactions
01:03:46 NEWCHAPTER
Questions, Comments, Just Say Hi
Uncle@unctalkpod.com
He's walking to the stage. Beyonce's playing in the background.
SPEAKER_02That's the one it would be though.
SPEAKER_04That's the ultimate walkout song. That's the one it would be. Gotta show me your shoulders. Get your shoulders ready. Well, thanks, good brothers, good brothers. For the audience, this is Unc Talk Podcast. Unk Talk Podcast is dedicated to empowering uncles, inspiring nephews. We provide a space for informal mentorship, sharing the recipes for success and relationships, finances, and personal development that are often lost in today's disconnected world. I'm your humble host, Mr. Get A Job, aka Jermaine. You already know what it is. It's Joe from work.
SPEAKER_00He's Jared.
SPEAKER_04Perfect. Perfect. Get up off that mic a little bit, Jared. You just roll up on. You on it a little bit. So, man, we're just continuing our week. As you know, in episode eight, we have Mr. He's the sex therapist, relationship therapist that joined us and enlightened us with his wisdom. And man, there was so much in this episode that he covered that we wanted to let some of it breathe a little bit more and dive into it and give our own personal perspective. Mr. Joe, you got the floor today. So I'm gonna jump in with what you have on here. And man, we'll just get it, jump right in. I know we'll probably, you know, we'll take it where it needs to go. Let's hit it. Well, this is that was anticlimactic.
SPEAKER_02I kind of held my breath. I was like, it's gonna drop. There we go. Oh, see?
SPEAKER_04See? Oh, see, oh, technical difficulties.
SPEAKER_07Hold on. Be professional. There we go. Boom!
SPEAKER_03I got it, man. Let's hit it. However, but when you're talking about, and and and for the sake of any of my colleagues that are listening, according to the American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists, we really don't acknowledge the term sexual addiction. Reason being that's a symptom. It's not a root cause. Right, right. It usually manifests through sexual trauma, through, through not having control. If you're in an environment where you're raised and you feel um minimized or powerless, that's the one, as you search online, that's the one thing that you can always control. What you look at for how long, the tight, the whole nine, because if you think about it as young people, they don't have control over many things. And that's the one thing that they have, then it develops into a coping mechanism. Now, let me add to this that there's a book called Love Maps. Um, unless you're a real nerd, you probably don't want to read it. Because it has the guy, the the the author creates new words and puts the definition on the back of the book.
SPEAKER_04I think I took it a little long.
SPEAKER_02That's all right. That's all right. No, but uh what I really wanted to dive into about that though, uh, and it was sexual in nature uh in that comment there, but I wanted to broaden out what he talked about as the coping mechanisms that we use still today that happened because of our childhood trauma. I think he really hit the nail on the head when, because I brought up, you know, kind of like a sexual deviancy. And he's like, well, I don't really look at it that way. This is really a response to some sort of trauma that's happened, and what we're looking at is a symptom. And I think in our lives, there are a lot of things that we do that are symptoms of a problem we're trying to fix inside of us, whether that's we receive too much love as a kid, not enough love as a kid, you know, whatever those things are, there's a lot of things that we respond to our spouses, our children, our bosses, our friends in a way that we probably shouldn't, but it's due to some sort of childhood trauma that we're still trying to process or that we haven't processed, and so we're trying to cope with that pain that's still there with us. And so I really do think that it's uh important to not only look into the behaviors that you're doing, but why you're having these behaviors. You know, why are you acting this way? Why do you respond that way? Why am I triggered when XYZ happens? I think those things are very, very important. Now, oftentimes that's hard to do just yourself, which is why I think therapy is so important because sometimes it does take somebody from the outside looking in to help you address those things. But I definitely think it's something worth uh worth doing.
SPEAKER_04Gentlemen, I I know I probably haven't asked. How many have you all done therapy? Have you have you who's done therapy?
SPEAKER_02I mean, I've done couples counseling. Yeah, I've done couples therapy uh before, not solo. Jared, you done you done therapy, couples solo?
SPEAKER_00No, nothing, not uh therapy. I mean, we did like a premarital counseling kind of thing before we got married, but um nothing.
SPEAKER_04The church don't count. Okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_00It wasn't through church, but it was yeah, it's premarital.
SPEAKER_07No, that's interesting. I mean nothing formal, I would say.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, no, I mean I I it's something, man, I I it's probably something that a lot of black folks don't do.
SPEAKER_02I know that's the truth. I know that's the truth.
SPEAKER_04What what was the whenever you're doing it, um, your couples, what what prompted you to do it, Joe? Or was it just kind of was it thrust upon you?
SPEAKER_02I kind of accidentally uh went into it. I I don't I don't want to get too heavy into the story, uh, but I was looking for a way to deal with a different type of addiction. And I ended up going to this therapist who was like, I don't think you're addicted to what you think you're addicted to. I'm gonna, you know, he kind of started asking me questions about my relationship, and he actually referred me to, so I saw one doctor for maybe, you know, a session, not even that, you know, 40 minutes, and he recommended I actually talk to a couple's counselor because my conversation tended to veer towards a certain direction. And uh, and that's that's what that's what happened in my experience where I was like, we're gonna see. But I'll tell you what happened is that I learned that I was not communicating effectively uh with my with my wife. And it's one thing to like, well, you know how therapy can help you. It's just it helped me see a side of me that I couldn't see. It helped me express things that I couldn't express uh because I didn't know the right language to use for it. And um it really facilitated a place for us to begin to build that bridge and gave us the tools to where we don't need that sort of help, you know, anymore. We knew kind of like what to do. It was so that was really, really good for us to and and and this is a couple who thought they were good on communication. You know what I mean? This is we we had already rebuilt our relationship on communication by this point. So it kind of tells you what our um what the kind of layman view and likely built from what we saw in our parents. Well, at least we're doing better than that, but we were still well below the bar. You know what I'm trying to say? We compared ourselves to bad, which is like, well, that doesn't really so I think that a lot of it was our own perspective of what our communication should be, was very, very wrong. You know? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04You know, man. I mean, and and this, you know, uh uh, we we were just talking about this off mic. You know, we'll get into mental health in our next season. Uh so we'll probably cover therapy and all sorts of stuff with with our own experiences. Uh my own experience with therapy was was I was dealing with some anxiety, and I was just like, man, I need to just talk to somebody. And it there's this, you know, fear. I mean, as I guess as most men, some can have, like, I can't tell my lady everything. Like, she think I'm she think I'm I'm weak. I think I'm I think I'm pussy out here, you know what I'm saying? Or whatever, you know, whatever, right? Whatever phrase you may use. And you know, fortunately, there's people we can talk to that can kind of that can that can kind of be that ear that aren't your family, unbiased, that can be that ear to listen. And you know, a lot of time what I I thought therapy was, well, you're gonna fix me. I'm gonna I'm gonna come in and you're gonna tell me exactly what's wrong, and I'm gonna be fixed. And therapy is completely not that. Uh and they they talk, it's not it, it's it's no diagnosis. There's no there's not a diagnosis, it's helping you see you better. That's all it is. And putting a mirror up, and some of the best therapists. Um shout out to my my therapist, my former therapist, Alyssa. Uh she was she was awesome. And uh man, I I mean I was hitting her with some deep stuff, and she was just like, okay, well, let's unpack that, you know? You know, so um, but the one thing that that you know Dr. Todd did mention is you know, the whole porn addiction wasn't there's it was it's a like you said, it's a symptom, not necessarily a disease. And I think that's super crucial, especially with children. Well, not children, but with younger men, you know. Um it's a it's a coping mechanism. It's a it's a way that it's a way for them to exert control when when when they don't when there's limited control as a child. And and quite frankly, I think that's how people use it even as adults. You know? Um I I I always had this theory of called we're we're all just big babies, we're all baby adults. Like we just have better cars and bigger toys. You know, we just have bigger toys, but we're just we're just babies. And so, you know, when you see somebody tripping out on the road in the car doing road raids, you're just like, oh, that's a baby. That's a little baby that that just you know, they they they they're just throwing a tantrum, exactly. That's all they're doing. They're throwing a tantrum, and they didn't get their toy this morning, and now everybody's gonna feel it. Yeah. So I think keeping a perspective of just knowing that, man, some people haven't matured past, you know, yeah. Middle school. You know? I mean, uh shoot, I know I've talked to a few where, you know, especially when you go to your reunions and all that sort of stuff, you're just like, oh man, you're you're you're the same person from from eighth grade. The exact same person. Exactly. Yeah, like that's not a good thing. Like the exact same person. Um and so, I mean, frightening, frightening your it's frightening that you're the exact same person. And so, you know, just understanding that yeah, I mean, we always want to encourage men, because that's who we're you know, we're targeting for it is men to to to continue to to mature, to continue to maturate, continue to develop themselves. But man, just definitely don't take it for granted that man, a lot of people are still holding on to their blanket, their figurative blanket. And that's with whatever, right? Porn, you know. Just controlling nature, anything, exactly, however it manifests itself. Anger, controlling, yeah, all of it.
SPEAKER_00It's just you know you have to you have to do the work to be um to be honest enough and introspective enough to do the digging because once you find what it is, you gotta do the work to deal with it. And so um yeah, you so knowing oneself and saying, okay, you know, like you said, okay, I I'm I'm I'm anxious about something. I'm not exactly sure what it is, why it is, what to do about it, how to unpack it. Like Joseph mentioned, what are the right things? We're so limited by vocabulary a lot of times why it's always learn vocabulary. But so much of what we need to understand is limited by limited by by vocabulary. Um so much of what we could experience is merely limited by vocabulary. But um that gives you also a way to I think you maybe frame it or properly frame it so you can understand what's the best way to address it. And so sometimes we don't know when we're coping with. We're not we don't know when something to uh cope. We don't realize that there's a trigger that that's happening. And it may not be something that is triggering us to an extreme like anger or an extreme like depression. You know, it's not always an extreme like that. Little things that may tick away at your patience throughout the day. Right. So you show up at the crib. Like you shouldn't you shouldn't really ever have to pull up to your house and just sit in the driveway for a half impression before you walk into your house. You know what I'm saying? Like I get that I I totally understand conjecture and then there's people that uh, you know, I there's a point in time where I had to do that, you know, like I come by a meeting or it's just been a tough day. Okay, yeah. But every single day, like you're having to uh unless you're like a brain surgeon or you're you got a stressful, but uh like that just means that the house needs more peace in it. And you've got to figure out a way to uh get that more structure in the house so when you walk into it, it's more peaceful to add the thing that you decompress, and that you're decompressing it in the car in the driveway. Um that's what your house is what your home is for. But I think uh I don't want to go on a tangent. What I really meant to say is doing taking the time to be observant enough. Uh writing has always been therapeutic to me and it gives me a way to properly contextualize things that I'm thinking about, struggling with, mowing over, or afraid to think about, things that I'm afraid to verbalize, because I'm afraid to accept the truth of them. And so I can write it out, and at least if I write it, I don't have to hear it out loud. I can just kind of hear it in my head and see the letters on the page. Um, but it still forces me to do something with it. It still forces me to train to do something with it. And then it also forces time to be accountable. So when I open this page in a month or two months or three months, time is accountable, saying, hey, bruh, three months has passed and you're still where you were where we at on this. Yeah, where we at on this. Where we at on this. And you know, it's not necessarily another person. Um it's always a blessing to have other brothers who do that, to have to provide that aspect of accountability for you. But if you don't have that, or if or if a therapy situation is not uh something that's feasible for you, definitely writing things down, journaling, uh allows you to just get stuff out of your head, get stuff off your heart, get stuff off your spirit, and then just um properly contextualize them so you can handle them the right way and let your brain do the things that it's supposed to do and not hold on to hold on to stuff like that. 100%.
SPEAKER_04100%, man. And you know, man, we'll we'll we'll bounce we'll dive so deep into this in our next season. I'm I'm super excited about our health series, but man, we're gonna go to the next clip. It's a bit long. It's a little bit of a long one there. Dude, I'm so glad you actually chose this section. So we may go a little long on this on this fee. We may end the show on this one. So hold on, man. I'm glad you chose this one because yeah, I definitely wanted to emphasize when he said it. So let's dive into it.
SPEAKER_03Secrets and women's secrets. I'll tell everybody see. I said, look, men want to be wanted just like women. I said, because however, we can't say it because you're gonna think we butter. So I said, however, but if you notice, he never rejects a smack on the ass, and when you bring flowers, he don't say take them back. Right. Every man I said that to for the last 40 years, they agreed. And the women too. Yeah, right. But we can't, but we don't talk about it. So I talk about taboo stuff. I want to talk about everything. Why? Because if I you tell me everything, I miss nothing, and I know exactly how to connect. Enough information, nothing is random. There's a poem that I even send to people. It's called uh knots, K-N-O-T-S by R. D. Lang. And it says, you know, but basically at the that last line says, I don't know, well, says, I don't know what what I'm supposed to know, but I think you know, you think that I think you think, but I think you think I know it. But I don't, but I can't tell you that I don't know it because you think I should know it. So to help me, just let's just tell it everybody, each other everything. I like it. Leave no stone unturned. Right, because if I can't be truthful with you, if I can't be vulnerable with you, I don't need to be with you. I get hard, I fight lions and tigers and bears when I leave my house. I don't want to fight nothing. I don't want to fight with my comments. That's right. That's right. I want to be received, I want to be respected, I want to be accepted. And with that, you get the best of me.
SPEAKER_02That's right. Oh, oh, oh. I'll let you take off with this one, Mr. Get a Job.
SPEAKER_05Oh.
SPEAKER_04Oh, man. Well, he was cooking, wasn't he? Man. Man, I'm just gonna start with the obvious one. Men want to be wanted. Bruh. Like, man, like, you know, and actually I I feel so I felt seen when he said that, because part of me, I was like, man, this is just my ego, that I like my ego stroke by my woman. Like, no. It's every man. Every man wants to be wanted. Like, and and I and and whether consciously or subconsciously, that's why we get with these women. That's one thing that draws us to these women is that they wanted us, you know. And you know, you can feel the rift when they when when when that starts to wax and wane. When when they want you a little less, or maybe maybe you're like, oh, do you do you want me? Hey, the question. Yeah. I mean, that you know, that's the beginning of a of a dark story. Um but it was just so good to hear you know an OG say that, just like, man, look, I I've never turned down flowers, I've never turned down chocolates and candies, you know. I've never gotten flowers, by the way. But never. Never. But i if I did, it's not to say I wouldn't accept it. I I definitely would accept flowers from them from my lady, put them up in my office. But um man, and but it but it it's it's good that we're in a space now that we can express that and say, hey, look, I do like to be wanted. It it makes it strengthens me to know that you desire to be wanted. Exactly. Yeah. That loop, that that loop of power is strengthening, you know. Um I mean, and and sometimes like that's you know, on a more darker side, we I will not be joking today. Um like that's that's sometimes where the more Like where another some of the ladies, another lady comes in, you know? Another lady slides in and she wants you. And like you look over and you be like, Does she like me?
SPEAKER_02Oh. Y'all remember that Martin episode, see if I still got it. See, it's that it's that one. It's that sort of deal. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And a lot of times we don't want to admit it, but the most of the reason is we just want to know if we if we're still wanted out here in the streets. Like, do the streets still want me? Like, and like, I know that's that's probably not the most healthiest reflection of that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. But but I like extremes because it gets the point across. But you know, exactly.
SPEAKER_04So useful.
SPEAKER_02I think part of that too is even what you're talking about is that your feelings were validated by what he was saying, which is in the exact same vein as like being wanted. Because what he said, he said, when I come home, I want to be received and I want to be accepted. Boy, that is that's so damn big, especially for the duality of black men in the workplace, dude. Where we've got this version of us that we have to be there versus the version of us that we want to be, then the version of us that we should be able to be at home, right? That decompression that Jared was talking about in the garage, it's 15 minutes decompression, 15 minutes gearing up for job number two being this other thing that I gotta do to deal with whatever's going on inside of there. And it's like you don't want to have to be putting on two masks like that. You know what I mean? You want to be received and accepted as you are, bro. And like, and then and then, like you said, and that'll get you the best me. That'll get you the best version of me, man. Because it's like, you know, you know, it's all you know, we're going back to the communication thing, um, which was you know a little bit of what he was talking about, that you know, to kind of tell me everything so I don't have to guess about anything is a little bit of how I look at it too. If you tell me everything, I don't gotta guess about anything that you might be thinking. But what this also does is if we're open enough, if if we can, if you can give me enough of you to study in me, uh uh and and uh and uh me to you, we can catch those little abnormalities when, hey, Joe, you feeling all right? Because you XYZ, hey baby, you all right today? Because you normally blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You you can't tell that if y'all ain't talking. You can't tell that if y'all aren't studying one another, you know? So I think it is a a really, really important key there is that share, share, share. Share how you like to be liked. There's so many things that we don't get to do. You know what I'm saying? Like we ain't allowed to do for whatever reason. Somebody made it up somewhere that you a pussy if you just say anything you like. All right. You you just fucking accept life ever the fuck you come. Take life straight, no change. All right. I don't know where that came from, or why that's macho or what I don't know what happened there, but guess what, nigga? I like a laugh in the bath every now and again, man. God damn. Can we can we just can I just can I just enjoy things that I assume everyone can enjoy, but somehow as a man, I it's not cool to enjoy it. And it's like, nah, don't be afraid to have those conversations. And especially sexually, all right? Don't be sitting there in a desert, fucking thirsty as fuck, because you're scared to ask for water.
SPEAKER_01Don't do that. Don't do that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Don't do that. Because I'm gonna tell you that oasis on the other side of that question, it's it's healthy, it's good for you.
SPEAKER_02Because the worst that can happen is you in the exact same position you're in right now. That's the worst that could happen. And if you're scared that your girl might say something or look at you, y'all got bigger issues, buddy. If if if you trying to express yourself is gonna cause some sort of problem, unless you're like, hey, I'm trying to have six bitches in this. You know, don't go crazy. She got a point if she's upset about that. But I'm saying within reason, I think you should be able to kind of express anything that you should be able to want, man. Don't don't be scared to be wanted.
SPEAKER_04Bro, let me even stop you there. You come home and be like, I want six. Okay. You want six, six? Okay, let me put let me grow my beard out. I put my hat on. I'm Bill today. Let me let me uh put my my stocking cap on, you know, and uh take my glasses off. Uh I'm Steve today, you know. No, you say a stocking cap. That sounds like a Leroy to me. But I'm just saying Leroy, Leroy. Hey, let me put my suit on. I'm Dexter. I'm Dexter today. Like, you know, hey, I can be six uh six different, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_02No, no bullshit. We talk about the spice of life. You know, I told you that's something me and my wife do, man. We go to the Omni, we go to the whatever, whatever nice little, you know, hotel we get, and I have to pick her up as a character. She'll be a character. I'll be a character, she'll be at the bar, I meet her at the bar. I gotta pick her up. We get, you know, and that's that's something that is so different from something I ever thought that I would even enjoy doing. But boy, do I look forward to it now. Man, I mean, because it, you know, it starts off like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna do that. But now it's like, hey, you know, it's coming up next week, you know, what kind of wig can I get? What kind of costume? You know, it's I mean, it's it's a full-blown whole thing. I got accents. I mean, it's a whole thing now. But man, it's it's something that we enjoy doing for one another so much. And it never would have happened if I opened my mouth. If I don't say, because if I can be really real with you, right? Okay, the desire to be with another woman, I don't think that that's a unnatural desire. It might be an immoral desire, especially obviously if you're with someone, right? But the attraction to something that attracts you is not immoral or unnatural, you know? And so, in in the um attempt to capture that, you know, I used to hear this joke, they were talking about man, even the cavemen knew, you know, what good, one woman, what better, two woman? Like it's just the idea of that is so amazing in our heads, okay? Now, in practice, there's a lot of emotion that's tied to that. There's a lot, there, that you can say it's just physical, all you fucking want. All right. But that's a type of intimacy that, man, it it can get strange. So to avoid that, just like you were alluding to, we created another person for us, you know? And so it can be that different person, but not have any of the, I would, I would call it emotional kind of baggage that obviously comes with something like that, right? And so you were half joking, but man, that is actually where that kind of comes from with me. It's like, man, I I do have a desire for something different, I'll say, but you can just be that something different. You know, it doesn't have to be uh obtained in some nefarious way or just ill-gotten way, man. But uh, but like I said, but communication is how that happens, right? Let's say I don't do that. I still want this thing. I meet somebody at the job, some new chick I'm trying to train, and she's like, oh, that's Mr. McIntyre, you know so much. And I take that the right way or the wrong way, and then all of a sudden, we're in the basement and I'm fucking spinning my ring, like, what the fuck I'm gonna do. Fuck, I fucked up. You know, and it's like, I don't want that. Just say something. Just say something. I want that.
SPEAKER_01Because I've seen it happen that easy, dog. It just happens so easy. Because the thing that we're talking about, that that whole, that chasm can get huge.
SPEAKER_02And just like you said, if you think you ain't want it, you feel in some kind of way, and the right person says the wrong thing at the right time, and that's all it takes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And trust me, we ain't got no red tables to fucking talk that shit through. It's fucking over, buddy. Like it's it's it's it's rough. And so it's it's um, anyway, but yeah, uh it's okay to want, it's okay to be wanting, it's okay to share. Uh it's encouraged.
SPEAKER_04There's this, there's this social media trend called um bringing the whimsy back. Like whimsical. This one dude, he put his uh his chip from his credit card in a magic wand, and every time he taps it on the trans, you know, the little transaction for the pace of things, it it pays for it. He's like, let's bring whimsy, let's bring a little more whimsy back. Like, that's that's so true. Like, bring some more imagination back, bring some more creativity back. You are free to do whatever you want to do. There's so much freedom and a creativity. And so just bringing creates a little bit more creativity to your relationships, to how we raise our children, how we refresh ourselves, like bringing a little bit more creativity to those situations can like change the whole situation, change the whole narrative. Look, man, hey, you and this whole Omni thing, I'm not even gonna lie. I've I in my mind, I've I've I've been working the plan out. Like, cause I'm like, why not? That'd be so that'd be why not? Why not?
SPEAKER_02It's easy, it's cheap, it's fun as fun.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. And if you get into it, like there's this element of just act as if. If you act as if, who knows what'll happen. If you act as if I'm trying to pick you up, maybe you'll be reminded why um why why something happened.
SPEAKER_02Because I'm gonna tell you, sometimes she's missed hard to get all of a sudden, and it's like, and I gotta put on some charm. And it's I'm telling you, man, when when y'all start to believe, I I tell you to tell someone like, oh, you're starting to believe. Because you'll get into the personality. And it and it will be like, you know, it's not like I need a safe word because we're going crazy, but it's like, oh, this, you're in a you're in a different space right now. You're you're actually you're actually sparkle right now. Or you're actually, you know, like, okay, but that is a hundred percent of the fun because that's what I want. I don't want my wife and cosplay. I want this new thing that is just also my wife. And it and it's it's yeah, it's helpful. I'll say that. It was helpful. It was helpful. I no longer even have that sort of, not that I had the desire, but like I even look at other women differently now because of those sort of experiences. Like, it's almost like I look at her for casting ideas, you know? Like I'll be like, okay, I might, I might grab that dress for her or something like that for the next time. It's it's a it's it's a it's it's the same, but it's a little different now. I I view it as a way to help her help me, or I view it as a way to let my attraction for just another beautiful woman help my relationship. That's why you turn these things that can be L's into fucking dubs, baby. That's like a trick. Anytime you can do that in life. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Sometimes it's not even the woman. Sometimes it's man, that red dress was fly on that girl. I bet it look good on my girl. That's what I mean. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. It ain't even like, dang, uh man, those those those boho knots was fire. I bet you them boho knots will look fire. Let me see what we're gonna do. Like, right. It ain't even like, oh, that that woman right there, she does it for me. Like, man, look, that woman over there got the same issues, got the same drama, same headaches. She goes, like, it's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's it's you know, same devil, different dress. You know. So. Man, anyways, I didn't want to. Jared, did you want to jump in on it? I didn't want man, we put me and me and me and Joe wouldn't. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So ultimately it's just finding, you know, finding what makes the relationship healthy. Finding what keeps the relationship healthy. It I mean, it's it could be anything. So you just have to stay looking for it. Like keep your eyes open, you know, and stay looking for the things that could, you know, like Joseph's saying, you know, reignite a little spark here or there. 100%. 100%.
SPEAKER_02I think we also like to cook together, you know. Cook together.
SPEAKER_01I mean, that's also fun, you know?
SPEAKER_00And that's definitely, you know, important, depending on like where what life cycle you're in, because if you've got if you've got kids say roughly, you know, and in Joseph and ours, well, I'll say my life cycle, um, where I've got kids that are about to go off, you know, I got maybe I got four more years on one kid than plus nine, so roughly ten years on another. But mostly you're saying it to say that eventually once empty nesting happens, uh, you've got to be ready for that uh that jolt or that shift. So if uh you're you're in a situation where your kids your household is about to be empty in a certain uh you know, for in a close foreseeable future, you've got to uh be open to those things like Joseph and Jermaine are talking about, to be creative, to try new things because those are the things that are going to keep your relationship you know fresh. We can we all know there's a tendency for the relationship to get stale, especially after the routine of kids. And once that routine is just the routine of life.
SPEAKER_02Shit, I wouldn't say 25 fucking years, man. We've done a lot.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but you're deep in the routine of kids, though. Like your your whole psychological everybody is focused on okay, you wake up, all right, we'll go do these kids, what are they gonna eat? What are they gonna be? What are they they come to you asking questions, they're interrupting, they're doing all this stuff. So everything's just cycled around. But then you have no longer the even the physical uh the physical presence, the consciousness of them in the house.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00You've got all that freedom, just freedom of time, freedom of thought, freedom of energy left. You know, if if if you're still you know healthy, you've got all the energy left or bad that you don't have to expect. Right, right. That's gotta be refocused. And then there's a lot of things that we use kids as a distraction for. And so when those kids are no longer there to provide a distraction, you're forced to deal with what's left if you haven't dealt with it prior. And so you've got to be then also ready for that. You know, the energy shifts in the house, yeah. There's no more kids. So all that kind of stuff. I was I was just saying that those are things also that uh it's good to do the things that you guys are talking about because when there's seasonal shifts like that that help you maintain you're gonna find yeah, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04100%. All right.
SPEAKER_02I think we got one or two. Sounded so nice, empty nesters. Damn, I got a lot of time, bro. Hey, man. That sounded so nice when you said that.
SPEAKER_04I got a tingle. Oh fuck, man. I I mean, dude, hey, dude. I hey, me m moving back to to Dallas has been a savior, man, dude. Shout out to Mo, who is uh babysit the little ones, man. Shooting able to get away. So let's jump in. I think we've got a couple more.
SPEAKER_03Most formative years. What I want you to do is pretend you're at an a at a movie theater watching a movie, and it's exactly like your life with all the people, the houses, the colors, the cars. But I want you to pay attention to the primary character, that's you. But now, as you're watching that child and those various experiences, instead of the child defining it, I want you, the adult, to define what that character is going through. I want you to tie what emotions are. Don't think back to when you're a kid. I want you to be the adult you are and watch this kid, and I want you to define what's going on with that kid. No, because why? Why when they do that, they'll recognize the narrative is different. Because when you're a kid, you think everything's your fault. Yeah. You're always the problem. But if that's in your subconscious, because people fail to recognize your conscious mind doesn't determine what you do. That's right. Subconscious mind. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Telling you. I'm telling you, man, that was such a good perspective to try to have. Because what that whole statement right there is about to me is perspective. Where when I think back to the things that my dad told me or that my mom said, or these situations, I'm thinking as a five-year-old, as an eight-year-old, as a 12-year-old, as a 15-year-old. I'm not thinking of as a 41-year-old man with the pressures of owning two homes and a wife that's doing this and a job that's doing that, and then you know, four kids, and then this motherfucker's talking about. I'm none of that was in consideration when I'm eight. You know what I mean? And so I think this is a really good exercise that will allow you to not only get a little bit of perspective on the situation, meaning, because trust me, let me not say it that way. For me, all of these extreme situations need to be toned down by about six, as I think about them as an adult. You know what I mean? My whole life was my room for, you know, six years or five years. And then it was like my room, the neighborhood, you know, the school was my whole entire world, you know. So things that happened in that world were huge to me, you know? But then now that my world has expanded to the actual world, and I look at those situations and I look at what was provided for me and the things I was complaining, it's like, oh, that situation wasn't that bad. That situation actually wasn't this thing, or that situation wasn't my fault. You know, and I and I some there's there's things that I've blamed myself for that have happened. However, it was framed at the time, I now have the perspective of a 41-year-old man looking back at it. And I can say, oh, you know what? That thing that I've been harboring feeling bad about actually wasn't my fault. That was the fault of an irresponsible adult somewhere. You know, whatever, whatever it is. But I think that's a really good practice to give your life a little bit of perspective. Also to pull there may be a burden that you're kidding. Because in my in my situation, there's a situation like that where there was a burden that I used to carry because I thought I caused something, you know? And I didn't, but you're young and you're stupid, and people may say things that they don't think matter, but fucking drill into your brain and you'll never forget them. And adults don't normally know that's happening to children. You know, they don't, they just they just be kind of saying things, could be in the moment, could be out of anger, whatever, could be out of sadness, whatever that they're saying. I mean, me finding out that people die was kind of an accident because somebody was just saying an off-comment, and I'm like, Well, you could just not be here no more. And it's like you don't know how that affects, you know, people. And so I think that reliving some of those traumatic experiences or reliving even the benign experiences, just reliving your life, like you said, your entire life, whatever you can remember. Remember it from this perspective. And just, and then you tell you what you're feeling. Not as you, but as somebody watching you. What do you, what should you be feeling in that situation? And I think that was important for him to say, what should you be feeling there? Because what I was feeling and what I should have been feeling were probably two different things a lot of the time, you know? And uh it also gives you a little bit of understanding about the people in those situations with you. You know, the pressures that your parents were under, or your brothers were under, or your teachers were under, or you know, whatever those your coaches, all of those things were factors into how you were treated and how you felt you were treated. And uh, and so I do think that's a very, very important practice to check that out as an adult.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, 100%. 100%. This is an awesome exercise to do. Um, it's powerful, it's perspective. It's a hundred percent perspective. And I mean, it's something you mentioned earlier, Jared. It's the work. That's the work. Because it's hard to do that. That is hard to do. And I applaud anybody who not only has the guts to do it, but has the mental strength to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's not easy. And and sometimes you'll be you'll be shocked to see what's what's there. You know? There's a lot of truths we keep from each from ourselves. 100%. 100%. There's a lot of truth that we keep from ourselves. A lot of stuff we just forget. And if we if we actually sit down and and look.
SPEAKER_00A lot of stuff we've been protecting ourselves from or trying to protect ourselves from. 100%. Like I think you say in the subconscious and the conscious, one's trying to protect the other. Yep.
SPEAKER_04Yep.
SPEAKER_00Yep. That's what it's gotta do to deal with it.
SPEAKER_04You know. And as long as it's, you know, when it starts to not serve you is when when the problem comes. When it starts to become detrimental to you, that's when the issues arise.
SPEAKER_02So man. You can't always see that until it starts ruining other stuff that you can see around you. And then you're like, why is that crumbling? Why is that crumbling? You follow it back and it's like, oh, that's me doing this.
SPEAKER_00It's like, yeah, bro. For real, man. Tiger Woods flipped another range. Hey.
SPEAKER_04Hey. Hey, let's send, let's send love to that man right now, man. Seriously, he needs some he needs some love. He needs a brother to come in and jump on him, man.
SPEAKER_02Hopefully he sees that Tindrell leads right back. Like, oh, that's me doing that. Like, yeah, baby.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. That's you. Yeah. Yeah. That's you. Yeah. We hope he gets some help because, you know, he's got that boy that uh that's the thing.
SPEAKER_02It's like, dude, you you're because there's no one convenient to blame this time, right? There's no there's no situation, there's no pressures, there's none of those things that you kind of had in the media and all that. It's just you. You fucked up, man.
SPEAKER_04Look, hey, you're rich. Get a driver. Just get a driver. It's easy. It's easy. Just get a driver.
SPEAKER_02Some people like the thriller, thriller, you know, driver being behind the wheel. He definitely likes the thrill of it.
SPEAKER_04I can tell. I can tell. Yo, Cameron, Cameron was saying that I don't know if y'all watch uh Cameron and Mace's show. Um, but um Cameron was like, man, that fool is into some freaky shit if if he don't want his driver to see what he's doing. Like you're doing some you're doing some stuff you don't even want a driver to know you're doing.
SPEAKER_02He should have been famous in the 80s, man. He came too late, bro. Night too late. He should have been famous in the 80s. Because he he does seem like he got some proclivities, man. And he got a fucked up mental too, which is kind of like elite athletes, man. They're they're it's easy to hijack that reward system. I'm not gonna say that they're dumb, because he seems like an intelligent guy, but you can hijack the way elite athletes think pretty easily. I think if you're a woman. That's the reason why these they just pass around the same group of hoes who ain't worth the shit. Anyway, that's a whole nother discussion for the whole discussion. That's on me. My bad. That's on me.
SPEAKER_04Yikes. Man, we're gonna dive into our last clip, man. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03You will mimic that throughout life. However, but now when you become an adult, you recognize no mama, mama was a crack addict. That ain't that issue.
SPEAKER_02Right. Real tough.
SPEAKER_03Real tough. And they were punishing me because they couldn't manage themselves. And they were putting very good shame on me. So now that releases the client of whether pain and shame because now they can put the attention and they write letters to parents, uncles, aunts, whoever. But then we create a way for them to articulate. They don't always have to confront the people.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But what they have to do is get their own understanding and then write a letter. They can choose to burn it, send it, hold conversation, but or flush it down the toilet. But it's to get the resolve for you, necessary for the other people.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. If that makes sense. It goes back to forgiveness being for you more than even the person that you're forgiving. Exactly.
SPEAKER_03Exactly.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_03Check this out. Too oftentimes we're holding on to things in anger and pain and hurt and disappointment and looking at ourselves through other people's eyes that ain't even around no more and ain't thinking about us.
SPEAKER_02That last part ain't even thinking about you. You sit here thinking about it for 35 years.
SPEAKER_04Exactly. Yeah, buddy. Man, dude, hey. You check. Look. Just a jolt. Just a jolt of energy, man. I mean, you know, I'm I'm I'm gonna let you hit the well. I'm gonna let you, I'm gonna let you go ahead first. I'll let you go ahead.
SPEAKER_02The reason that I thought this was so important is uh it's not it's not always about confronting the people, it's about getting resolution for you. The reason why I like that is not only do sometimes we try to get flowers when it's too late, we try to get forgiveness when it's too late. You know, there there's people in my family who are mad at people who are dead, nigga. All right. They dead and gone. You holding grudges, bro. And I think that's part of like some self, like a self-hating situation there, because they ain't coming back. You ain't about to get no apology from somebody already in the ground, baby. Like, what are you doing in that? That's only hurting you. And so that's why I liked when he talks about the practice of putting the attention where it belongs, which is in your recovery. Now, whether that's writing a letter to this person or doing whatever you have to do to kind of express that, but that's for you, man. You know what I mean? That we we really gotta stop holding on to this bitterness. That shit will poison you, man. That you know, you remember when in Star Wars, like, bitter leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, suffering leads to like all it leads to the dark side, baby. Like all those negative people, they lead to the dark side, man. And you will ruin the relationship with your kids over some shit like that, with your wife over shit like that, with your friends over each other, with your family over some shit like that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And it's it's unnecessary because, like he was saying in that clip, this is something that you are holding. We all know we've got somebody that we've not liked for X amount of time, see them somewhere. Hey, what up? Hey, you remember that one time that they're like, I don't even remember that shit. But you've been sitting there the last 12 years, swear he did it on purpose, swear he did it, you know, all this shit. You got this whole thing in your head that you created about this thing that he don't even know happened. He's trying to figure out where you've been the last decade. Yeah. You see, it's and it's like, bro, we gotta stop doing that to ourselves, man. We really do. We just gotta stop doing that.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Yeah. Forgiveness is unforgiveness is the easy way out. It's the it's the it's the lazy road. It's it's the oh it's it's not not seeking not seeking clarity, not seeking resolution within yourself. Not not just for I mean, it it's easy to not forgive. It's hard. I mean, it's hard to forgive. But good things come through hard that hard hard hard things. Pause on that one, man. I just I said it. I just at the end of the day, at the end of the day, forgiveness is for you. It's not for them. Forgiveness is for you to understand sometimes stuff just happens, but it's not what you do, it's not what you get, it's what you do with it. You know? It's not how it's not what happens to you, it's what you do after. And it's what you do next. It's not how you fall down, it's how you get up. You know?
SPEAKER_02And just getting out of the mindset that things happen to you also is kind of to you.
SPEAKER_04Man, if I had a dollar for every time I went to a meeting and I thought, man, is he just trying to fuck with me? Yeah. I feel it's not even thinking about they weren't even thinking about you. And they weren't even thinking about you. Look, I have, I won't even get into that, but I'll just say, I've blown up some great opportunities because I was like, oh, this chick was talking to me. I'm gonna let her know, right? Instead of just no, she's going through something, she's going through something, and I'm just gonna, you know, uh man, when you change your perspective, dude, when you change your perspective and and and and anything that that that is bad happening to you, you just say, ooh, man, that's unfortunate. Maybe they're they're they must be really going through something to be able to spit that venom or to exactly to to sh to to to try to wanna um have the inspiration to try to mess with me.
SPEAKER_02I like to have the inspiration. Right, right.
SPEAKER_04I like that. You you didn't mess with me per because dude, I'm I'm you you didn't catch me, let's put it that way. And w what you what you were trying to throw out, it you meant it for evil, but it it all was good. It's all good. All good. So at the end of the day, you know, I I feel instead of feeling bad for myself or being a victim, I feel bad for those people that, man, you you felt like you had to yell at me. That's that's very that's sad. Like, man, I hope I wish your parents had hugged you a little bit more. You know? Hit them with the who hurt you. Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Yeah, do you need a hug? What do you need?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, because it's like you can't be mad at me. That was one thing my mom used to say is like, how can they be mad at you? Like, what you do to make them mad? What you do? And they'd be like, Well, I didn't do anything, then they ain't mad at you. Yeah, I know they mad, but they ain't mad at you. If you didn't do nothing to make them mad, they ain't mad at you, man. And it's hard, obviously it's hard to in the moment try to have that perspective, you know, if somebody's coming down on you or whatever. But as we mature and get better at controlling our own feelings, because that's the thing, the clap back. I don't know when the last time I had had one of those sort of actions where I just felt inspired, as you might say, to clap back at somebody, you know. Nah. Because that that's something that we can foresee immediately. We see the we see the next five steps of that immediately. And it's like, and it ain't never it ain't never worth it for people who uh look similar to us. Okay, those next five steps are right out the damn door every time. So which, if I'm being honest with you, I think plays into that. And you know, we talk about power dynamics sometimes around here, man. And there is an unspoken power dynamic that comes with that as well. You know, we talk about the duality of kind of who we have to be at work, and guess who else knows we have to be that way at work? You know what I mean? And so that gets taken advantage of sometime as well. And you've got to understand that that's also happening. There's a power tripping that's going on sometimes. And, you know, the perspective I had to get on that is like, oh yeah, you gotta make yourself feel strong in front of somebody who's actually strong. So I take it as a compliment that you're trying to reach my level of strength. I get I get that you have to do that. You know, I I get that I'm whatever I am that makes you have to do that. So I can I can always not laugh those off, but I can always see those in a light that I'm like, yeah, I know you're trying to get here. But it doesn't mean I like having to do it. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01Obviously, I would not like to have to do it. But that's the reason.
SPEAKER_00Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. I was gonna say there also should be a level of just unfazeness you reach. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. You know, we were talking, and that that's a little bit out of a book of stoicism, but there should just be what at one point you're moving in such a way with such a mentality and purposefulness and directness, and you know, of course, attention that you don't you don't let your mind deal with the like you know what I mean? Like what I'm not in order for me to deal with that, I've got to take that personally. I've got to take that with how you responded personally or how you reacted, and you know, whatever the case is, and but especially like in a corporate setting. I think I think just uh I can't say I've known I've I've realized this over a while. This is something more in like the last three to five years or so, but just um moving in such a way part of it is confidence, part of it is um you know, belief in oneself. But uh it is you're moving in such a way that that stuff is is beneath is is beneath you. I was uh when we we had a we had the the couple's night, and there was about six six or seven guys, and about the three or four of us are six six feet and above, and there's some some shorter guys there, and the guys that were no short came out just ended up coming outside and talking first. Uh okay. So we were all talking to each other, and the rest of the guys came outside, and it just so happened to be the the shorter dudes. But one of the shorter dudes walked up and he was kind of like, he's like, Okay, is this conversation only for people six feet and above? And I was making the joke that uh, you know, I was like, I didn't even he was so he was below my line of sight, and I didn't see I was like, who asked me that question? Who's talking? But that was part of the joke. Uh yeah when it comes to moving and when you're coming in contact with people and they're making you know microaggressions and the stuff that we've got to deal with in corporate America or just in society in general, uh it's just like yeah, the you know, just let it roll off your shoulder kind of thing. It's not even that. It's uh I'm I'm so oblivious to what you're trying to do. Exactly, yeah. Because my mind doesn't get with that. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_04I'm uh I'm at a whole different altitude.
SPEAKER_00Right, in a different altitude. My perspective is so far that way that I can't even. It's like conversations when people only talk about either current events or people only talk about celebrity events. Yeah. Like pop culture and stuff. It's just like that isn't even that should be so far outside of your You should be focused on so many other things to be focused on. Any other you just kind of need to escape, and and that's where you escape in, fine. But um, I'm more so talking with people are trying to people are trying to slight you, or people are trying to undercut you, or people are trying to strategize around you. It's like I'm moving, I'm playing a totally different game than you are, I'm moving at a totally different cadence that you are, I'm thinking on a totally different plane than you are. If like you said, someone said it, it just says so much more about you. You're just telling me something about you. That's all you're doing. You're giving me information, you're giving me so I can now strategize. Exactly. Now I don't do it. Now I agree with you. I can see the chink in your armor, I can see securities, I can see your inability to like oh boy. So if that's what you want to do, and that's then cool. But here's here's the game that's actually happening. That's game theory. So if anybody wants a game theory, laws of power, all that kind of stuff, read those books. But that's what you start to see in people, especially when you start to see things trip them up. Jermaine and I were talking about kind of flexes and how people um will talk about stuff about themselves as if it's a flex. And it's kind of like, okay, yeah, I can get with you on that level if that's where you're feeling like you flexing. But it's telling me so much more about what you value. It's telling me more about what you find. Um brings you prestige or status or something that you've been spending your money on. Yeah. It tells me so much more about your motivations. Like, okay, cool. I know you feeling you pump in your chest and you brag and your nostrils wide up, but here's what I'm gathering on you. Yeah, it's intel. And then strategy comes after that. So in those situations, it's always like, okay, cool. Thanks for telling me who you are, and thanks for thanks for the intel. Now I can I'm better off for it.
SPEAKER_04Yep.
SPEAKER_07No, man.
SPEAKER_04Dude. Dude, this look, and I know we can probably go forever another two or three episodes on Mr. Todd. Um, we're getting grown to sexy.
SPEAKER_02Hold on a second. You say it's time to start talking about that. It's time for something else, okay?
SPEAKER_01It's time for talk after dark.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, all right.
SPEAKER_04Well, well shoot. Well shoot, man. Um, but man, we're gonna this is gonna be the wrap of that series, man. As I mentioned earlier, we're gonna dive into health. Um, season two for the next couple weeks, man. We're gonna just take a little um time. We're gonna do a little live here. We're gonna do some social media comments, we're gonna just just relax and and and shoot the shit a little bit. It won't be as structured. And then we're gonna hit the pavement hard in May with uh Men's Health Awareness. Men's health, men's health month is Miss May. We're gonna hit it hard with with men's health. And so um if you like what you heard, if you like what you've been hearing, if you want to hear more, like and subscribe. Uh yes, it'll never get old saying it. Um we need the support. We love the support. We love to hear from you, we love the comments, keep them coming. And, you know, for now, um I'm Mr. Get a Job. I'm Joe from work.
SPEAKER_00He's Jared.
SPEAKER_04All right, guys. Man, next Tuesday we'll be back. Uh I love you guys. It's all love all the time, man. Y'all take it easy.