Let's Talk About Sex

Let's talk about sex. Or more specifically—why we're waiting.
Dr. Dee and Oscar are both over 40. Both have been married. Both have had children. And both have made the decision to wait until marriage—again.
In this episode, they break down why the sanctity of marriage matters more to them now than ever, how purity culture has historically burdened women while letting men off the hook, and what it's really like to make this choice when you're grown and fully aware of what you're giving up.
It's vulnerable. It's honest. And yes, it's still a little fun.
New episodes every other Sunday.
Said what we said.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:02

Y'all ready? This is Off Mute Podcast. I'm Oscar.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

And I'm Dr. D.

SPEAKER_03 0:08

Let's talk. All right, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, again. Welcome to Off Mute. This is Oscar. I'm Dr. D. And we have another exciting episode for you all today. Hey, y'all, I gotta give a shout-out to my lady first and foremost. I mean, don't she just look all cute with she's rocking today? She got a little bow tie ministry going on. I had mine on earlier, but I but I took it off. I want her to be the showcase of what's happening today. But we coordinate it, we color coordinated, as y'all can see. Um, again, compliments to Dr. B with the whole coordination piece, but we have an exciting episode for you all today. And again, for every one of you all that have subscribed to us so far, every one of you all that's supporting us, thank you so much. We really do appreciate it. We want to give shout out to the guy who's doing the mastermind behind all this, who does such a professional and absolutely magnificent job. Shout out to Thomas McIntosh. Hey, big shout out to Thomas. You're doing a phenomenal job. I love the work that you're doing. Even that one video that we had, um, Dr. D told me about it. She's like, um, Thomas said that the video was blurry. When I saw it, I said, Oh yeah, I see that. I don't even have a trained eye for it like that, but I saw it. But again, shout out to Thomas on that. Thank you all for your continued support.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

But Thomas is the one who mixes our videos, just so y'all know. Um he's the one that does it. Um, but he's also an incredible producer. So he's probably gonna see this and be like, now why y'all do that? Um, he's extremely humble. Um, but you know, we're doing what the word says. We're giving honor where honor is due.

SPEAKER_03 1:42

So praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

You give honor where honor is due, right?

SPEAKER_03 1:48

So shout out to you, Tom. Hey, Thomas, thank you. I just keep wanting to say Tom. I worked with a guy named Tom years ago. But Thomas, hey, shout out to you again. Thank you for all that you're doing with us continually, but so let's get into it. Let's talk about sex. What? See, you gotta give me heads up now. I ain't know you're gonna be cutting up like that already.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

You say that about me every week. You say about it.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

You have to remember that you have the doctoral degree. I need you to be very erudite.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Are we not gonna let's talk? What do you want me to say? Oh, okay, well. Let's talk about what?

SPEAKER_03 2:19

Let's have let's have the conversation about intimacy today and what that looks like in the community in which we're hold on. Okay, I mean no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

You're trying to cover it up. You know that intimacy includes a lot of things. So yeah. What you mean?

SPEAKER_02 2:35

I know.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

Um aerodite person, you you want to use those words? I'm gonna use them against you. You know that intimacy is not just about sex, intimacy is not just about sex, and I know the audience would agree with me. Intimacy is not is surface level. We somebody can be intimate and not have anything to do with sex. Oh, you disagree?

SPEAKER_03 3:00

Into you, I see. All right, let's get with it. Let's get with it. Stop playing so much.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

I'm just saying, okay, so the reel that prompted this conversation is this one. And I'm only playing the audio, but we're gonna we're gonna put it in the we're gonna embed it in the video so that y'all can see anyway. So I'm sure if y'all heard this audio, yeah, you already know what's about to come, but I haven't had no sex. None.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

So watch the clip.

SPEAKER_03 3:37

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Okay, so the young lady, as y'all can see, she was up in front of church.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Don't nobody know what she said, but prior to, don't nobody know what question was even asked.

SPEAKER_02 3:51

That's true.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

To prompt her to say that. I know homegirl just went viral for a second, and I ain't had no sex and then took off running.

SPEAKER_03 3:59

And then took off running throughout the church. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Took off running throughout the church. So we're gonna talk about it because we've been in this space of talking about what it's been like for us after 40 dating.

SPEAKER_02 4:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

And I want to dive into it because we've we've gone back and forth, and even now that word of resanctification coming from purity culture. And the reason why I'm bringing it up, well, the reason why it's kind of shocking to him, to me, to him, about what I've said about the word resanctification or sanctification is because of the purity culture that I grew up in. And there was a pastor on TikTok, and I really should have brought that reel up as well, because he talked about how um his message was larger and it was in relation to the Epstein files. But um what he was talking about was when he grew up, his parents gave him a purity ring as a young man, and basically was like, he didn't say how old he was.

SPEAKER_02 5:05

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

But I I think it was before he started having the whole all the hormones and stuff as a as a boy. So it had to be before 13.

SPEAKER_02 5:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:13

Uh, and then he said that his parents gave him the ring and basically said, if you lose your virginity, go you're going to hell.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

Oh wow. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

And not just the if you lose your virginity, but they also shamed him for masturbating. And he said he had to get up in front of church and ask the church for forgiveness because he masturbated and he had no control over his hormones, and he goes into this whole thing, and I said, ooh. But I said that to say I didn't grow up with with the focus being on the young men. The focus was solely on in where I came from. The focus was solely on us as girls. I didn't hear a lot of the messaging to boys to keep themselves pure growing up in the 80s. So I'ma I'ma ping pong this to you. Because we can't steal apostle like Pastor Dwayne's throwing the football. So I mean we can do like pickleball.

SPEAKER_03 6:11

Because we're sitting right here beside each other instead of just yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

So it just okay, so it's just a ping pong thing.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

Just so, but what do I do when you pickleball it over here? How do I then receive it?

SPEAKER_01 6:23

You don't.

SPEAKER_03 6:24

I don't, okay, so we we can't do that then. So speak on the purity culture. Anyway, purity culture. So one of the things that we are here for today is that we want to ensure that the message that we bring, we're helping people to understand that it's okay to be who and what you are, but we also understand that there's information that God has given us that we can share with other people that may be experiencing some of the very same things. But that's why we have off-mute the podcast, because there are some things that people just don't talk about in our community. And so it was our desire to be able to bring some of those platforms with regards to dating into the light, if you will. So, what did I see with Purity Culture growing up? Well, my grandma used to always tell us about these little nasty girls. And if any of my family is watching this, they'll know exactly what I'm talking about. So my grandma was would always tell us, keep yourself away from those little fast behind girls. Her grandma said the cuss word, but she said, keep yourself from those fast behind girls. And so she would talk about that all the time, and she'd also address them as those little nasty girls. Now it was funny because my cousins grew up in the house with us as well, who were females. And so because they were females, and my grandma was saying that, it was kind of painting a picture in my head right from the beginning as a young man, where I'm supposed to stay away from that because they're nasty. So that's what it started doing with me as a kid right away. And I didn't even know what nasty meant at that time, and didn't know what context of my grandma was speaking about, nasty at that time, until I started getting older to realize that the whole time what grandma was talking about was sex. Had no idea what she was talking about at first when she was talking about nasty. I thought as a kid, something was wrong with them, meaning they didn't know how to take care of their hygiene, brush their teeth, wash when she said nasty. But then I got older, and when I say older, I'm talking about maybe two, three years later, I'm like, oh, grandma's talking about, I figured out now she's talking about sex.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

So what was your understanding of the word fast when you Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:26

So when she said fast at that time, I asked that question right from the beginning, and I got an understanding of that quick. And so I asked my cousins, I said, what she mean by fast, and she meant talking about if a girl moving faster than a boy with regards to sex again. So thinking that the girls were always the one who's enticing someone, aka fast. So somebody luring in a girl luring in or a girl, yeah, a girl luring in a boy fast.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Again, I know some people can relate to the fact that like growing up, if you grew up our our Gen Xers, if you grew up in the 80s, you knew that fast meant the girl was out there sleeping around and even getting that from older people, right? It wasn't, it wasn't bad enough that we already had peer pressure. It's bad enough that you know our hormones are ranging and everything else. But then to hear another adult, I can tell you from first hand that I was labeled that before I even understood what that meant by my looks.

SPEAKER_02 9:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:26

And so I'll get into that later when we talk about the whole this part. But, you know, just I didn't, again, the messaging was always about the girls. And I, you know, my good friend Um Jarell, who um passed last year, he used to joke all the time because he was like, My grandmother would be like, stay away from them fast, light-skinned girls. As if, again, the colorism, like associating with light-skinned girls, are always fast, or they're fast because they're they're pretty or something like that. So his grandma'd be like, stay away from them fast, light-skinned girls. And he used to say, I mean, he used to say that all the up until he passed.

SPEAKER_02 10:01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:02

But again, we grew up hearing that language from adults and speaking that over a child. Yeah. So remember how powerful our words are.

SPEAKER_03 10:11

Oh, yeah. I had a different experience.

SPEAKER_00 10:13

Um, you know, again, as adults, we understand that we have power, that the power of our tongue, death and life. So imagine as a child and you have an understanding of that your tongue has the power of death and life, and you hear an adult say speak death into you.

SPEAKER_02 10:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:29

To speak that into you.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

You carry that with, you know, nowadays I think more kids have an understanding of that. But growing up, we didn't get Bible like that to understand. It was just rules.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

It was simply just exactly. Created that rebellion because all you're giving me is rules and not understanding. So again, you got a whole generation of people that grew up with rules, just grew up with the rules, but no relationship, no relationship with God to go and ask him, like for understanding, no relationship with the word to understand how to find what you're dealing with, and no relationship with the people over top of you. Now, everybody knows I love my parents, like, I love my parents like cook food, okay? No doubt. About my dad and everything. But I understood that it's generational.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

And my parents didn't have the language either because they grew up in a time where children were seen and not heard. My father would tell you real quick, if they talked at the table or something, you get a whoop right there. Oh, yeah, it was here. It was like by the door or by the table, let you say something. So you weren't even allowed to speak out. And so, again, just every generation having to, you know, to kill something that was planted in, you know, in that previous generation. Uproot, yeah. Uproot, yeah. Uproot. Um, since we're talking about Z, but uproot something. And so here we are. Fast forward, 40 something years old. I've been married twice. He's been married. I have children. I I know that I have sex. So here's the the thing that he did not know that I wasn't I was gonna have a problem with is that word resanctification. So I'm gonna let you speak one. I mean, if you have something to say, because I'm gonna read the definition of sanctification.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

No, uh you you heard me say that I had a different experience about that because when I was growing up, she shared with her experience that it would seem as though the girls were the ones who were the aggressor. Well, not necessarily when I was growing up. Everything was cautioning the girl from those boys. And so, like I said, my grandma shared with us already about those fast tail little girls and those little hot girls and those little nasty girls. She taught us about that. But it was a warning against us boys not to go after them. And then the warning that was given to my cousins was not to be pursued by them either. So that's why I said I had a different experience about that, because I got it from the male side where we were the ones who were sought as the aggressor. We were the ones who were sought as the chasers, and the females needed to protect themselves against that. So that's what I was given growing up. So resanctification. I'm interested to know what this is, though. Okay, so let me Inquiring minds would love to know.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

And so the reason why we're talking about resanctification is because our choice not to have sex before we get married. That's where this whole thing came up. What does that look like for somebody after 40 who's had children, who's already had sex, clearly, and the you know, the fourth coming of having birth and giving life to this, you know, this world. I just disagree with the word resanctification.

SPEAKER_03 13:59

And please tell us why.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Okay, so here's my here's the definition of sanctification, right? The act or fact of being made holy, the state of being made holy. So when we think about sanctification in this sense, it says the act or fact of being made holy. When we accept Christ, are we not made holy in his image? We go through the sanctification process and the consecration process of saying, Lord, I accept you as my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in our heart and confess with our mouth, yes? So I am sanctified when I accept Jesus. So after 40, just because I am choosing to marry someone else or to not have sex, how is it re-sanctification? I am already sanctified. I don't want to associate sanctification with me choosing to not have sex with someone until I get married. I just don't, because I feel like that we're going back to purity culture and bondage and holding people in bondage at this age when they're making a decision or not, because there are a lot of people who have not made the decision to not have sex and did get married, have gotten married, have been married for quite a few years, may have married somebody in their 20s and then got remarried in their 30s, and now they're 50, 60, or you know, years old or 20-something years in, but they had children before, or they've been married before.

SPEAKER_03 15:26

So let me ask you this since you're on a roll. So where did you get this resanctification from? It's not a term that I've been hearing in Christian? No, in today's time, right now, anyway. So where are you getting a resanctification from right now? So that's the part. I don't disagree with the the definition that you're giving at all. I 100% agree. Once you've given your life to Christ, you are made holy. You are whole. Now, do we do some things with our behavior and conduct that will not give a reflection of us being who we are inside? Absolutely. So I agree with what you're saying in that part of it. I'm just trying to figure out what triggered you so much when you had such a visceral response with this resanctification thing. Because we talked about that one day, and I was just like, oh, okay, she owned one today because she was just like, and I don't like this thing about no resanctification, doesn't it? I'm just like, oh, okay, where'd that come from? So my question still stands, where'd that come from? Is it like something you just heard?

SPEAKER_00 16:23

I feel like I heard it, and I don't remember Like this year, last year? In the last Oh, it don't even matter.

SPEAKER_03 16:29

You you just you heard it.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

The last six months or so, I ain't gonna say 2026. I mean, we only three months in um by the time of this recording. We're three months in, so by the time this airs, it'll be April. But nonetheless, um, I can't say it was 2026 or 2020. I don't remember the specific time.

SPEAKER_03 16:45

No, no, no. I was just asking because that's good. The reason why I was asking that, because again, this is some of the things that we have to deal with with regards to dispelling myths and then also releasing truth. And so I like that whole thing that you're talking about resanctification. That's good because, hey, ladies and gentlemen, I gotta share something with you so powerful today. It just came back to me. I was just sitting there thinking about it. And fix me up if I'm wrong with that. But our pastor today, he was talking about this message, and that thing was so, so powerful. So they was talking about breaking different um bondages off of your life, specifically that of division and strife and um these things that we've allowed in our family dynamics that have caused people to be at odds with each other. But nonetheless, the thing that he said that was so powerful, man. But he said, we when we're born, we may look like our mother and our father, but when we die, we look like the results of our choices. I was like, what? And so when you sit there and think about this whole resanctification thing, now we get an opportunity because he was talking about family dynamics, we now get an opportunity where we can redefine what we saw growing up. So I don't have to tell, I'm not gonna have no kids at this point in time in my life, but the children's lives that I do uh come in contact with and have the pro the pleasure and privilege of impacting, I won't say to them, watch out for those nasty little girls or those little fast tail little girls, anything of the sort. I wouldn't use that language. So I can now break that because now I desire for my life to look different than what my mom and dad's life may have looked like. Now it's funny she used to say that about her dad. Her dad, 93 years old, almost 94. I was taught the same thing. When adults were talking, when grown folk was talking, oh kids, we were specifically told go outside and play. That's what we were told. So when adults talking, and you would get hit. Like if a kid sat there for too long, two adults talking, and you looking, oh, they gonna stop, they're gonna look at you, and that was it. That's all you need to do is a look, and you knew you needed to exit.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Oh, I can't say that. I mean, we were told to go outside. I was just giggling because I feel like that's a recurrent theme with you on every episode where you just be like, we probably need to.

SPEAKER_02 18:57

Oh, it is. It is.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

Oscar's mind is blown.

SPEAKER_03 19:02

Yes. It is, because when you sit there and think about that, but it's okay though, because now I'm gonna get holy with it. I'm gonna get spiritual with this. And when I say get holy and spiritual with it, meaning I'm now putting off Oscar's mind and putting on a mind of Christ. Now, there it is. So every time you see that, just remember that. Dr. D, how about that?

SPEAKER_01 19:23

I'll clock it.

SPEAKER_03 19:25

That's right, clock it, clock it.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Clock it. Y'all didn't get it. That's good. I mean, if y'all watched the last episode, I promise you he'd do it wrong every time, but he got me cracking up when he be trying to clock it.

SPEAKER_03 19:36

That's all right.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

Don't clock it.

SPEAKER_03 19:38

I need you to stay focused, man. We're talking about, we're talking about sex. Yes, and the purity culture that you're talking about and everything, how it triggered you, your responses to it. So, what is it that you want someone to walk away with? What is it that you're sharing that is going to help to empower, enable, set somebody free?

SPEAKER_01 19:58

Are you interviewing me?

SPEAKER_03 20:00

I am.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Really?

SPEAKER_03 20:01

Are you interviewing me?

SPEAKER_00 20:02

No.

SPEAKER_03 20:03

You are? No, we're having this whole conversation. Is an interview. You're sharing information. We're sharing information. It's an interview, ma'am.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

We're sharing personal, intimate details.

SPEAKER_03 20:15

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:16

Why why would it not be an interview? Oh, because you can cool believe if I say something wrong, I'm gonna hear about it all camera. So it's an interview, right? Okay, so go with it. Stop talking about it.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

Don't make it seem like I beat you when we all the game. Don't y'all believe that for one second that I'm mean.

SPEAKER_03 20:35

Hey, what's the signal you're supposed to give if you're being abused?

SPEAKER_01 20:40

I wish you would. You're gonna put your hand down. Bruh, don't don't believe him. Anyway, I am focused.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

I am focused. I am focused. We were talking about we got to the point where we were talking about ourselves and our decision. So I want to share, if you'll allow me, something that you said to me when you played that song when we first started dating. Yeah. And he said, he said, you cute, but you're not worth it's it's a song from Canton Jones.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Right. What was it?

SPEAKER_03 21:15

You're cute, but you're not cute enough for my salvation.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

For my salvation. And I was like, excuse me.

SPEAKER_03 21:22

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 21:23

I wasn't taking aback by that. Because I was like, what you mean? And before anybody says anything, no, I wasn't trying to throw it at him or anything like that.

SPEAKER_03 21:38

Fellows. Fellows.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Don't y'all believe that for one second. I'm telling you right now in the comment section, nobody would ever believe that about Dr. D.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

It was that wasn't the case. We were having a conversation, and that you bought that song up as a reason. Why we were, you know, he was choosing because he has been, you have been. What's the word I'm looking for? Because I don't want to say, is it celibate, or do you call it? Because I wasn't sure. Because some people interchange those words. Um, because I can't remember what the other word is.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

Abstinence?

SPEAKER_00 22:19

Abstinence. Because there's a difference. I think there's a difference, right? Between be a celibate and abstinence, because I think celibate is you've never had sex, and absence is you're refraining from. Correct. Okay, so he'd been abstinent for quite a few years, and I have not. And so um it just in those intimate conversations and having and and what that's like, it has had its challenges. I'm speaking from my perspective and my perspective only, it has presented its challenges because again, I am a person and we both have experienced sex. And even today in church, when Apostle Mike was talking about the temptations coming, but there was one thing that Pastor Dwayne said to me that I connected to not just in this space of not choosing to be intimate with him before marriage, but also in life in general, in my speaking engagements and everything else. And I told you that with me having a business and having a book, going to the end of the thing.

SPEAKER_03 23:27

Now put a pen right there as well. Let's let's look this up. So I'll look it up. So celibate. Okay. For accuracy, celibate refers to a person who voluntarily abstains from marriage and sexual intercourse, often due to religious vows or personal long-term lifestyle uh choices. That's that's celibate.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Are you gonna look up abstinence?

SPEAKER_03 23:50

So abstinence, let's see, as I looked up.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

Because that's again my understanding. I thought celibate was like you never, and then abstinence is what you have, and you're just choosing to refrain from.

SPEAKER_03 24:07

Yeah, so abstinence. Um, let's see. Yeah, so abstinence is the voluntary decision to refrain from indulging in a pleasure or habit, most commonly referring to sexual activity, alcohol, or drugs. So yeah, they kind of one and the same. Kind of one and the same.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

Okay, but nonetheless, um So what I was saying before um he brought that up was Pastor Deweyne said, go to the end of the thing.

SPEAKER_02 24:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

And see it. See it complete, see the other side of it. And so um, I had to do the same thing in it in relation to our relationship, right? In the same vein. Going to the end of the thing and seeing my value and then seeing the value. It's the same thing I've done in my business. And with my speaking engagements, I go to the end of the thing, the end of me being a multimillionaire, the end of me, you know, being the CEO of this nonprofit. I can go to the end of it and I see my value, which means when I come here and someone tries to devalue the thing that I already know that God promised me. You can't convince me not to do that. You can't convince me to bring myself down or to lower myself because I see the value of myself, I see the value of myself. I've already gone to the end of it.

SPEAKER_02 25:34

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

So whether I applied it to this or I apply it to my business or my life or my school, go to the end of the thing and see yourself successful. See the promise that God has on you, and then you can come back and be able to say no and stand firm in it. So I appreciate it when I didn't appreciate it when he played that video or that song in the beginning. Because I was like, I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_03 25:58

But I understand that though, and I'm sure you understand it as well, because again, you got to think about that, link everything in which we came from to what we are now. And so everything you were taught growing up, I'm sure that right there triggered it. Like, why I got to be the one, what he what he means. There ain't nobody even come at him like that. So I get it right from the beginning. And it's powerful that you said that because when we sit there and think about the different things that we are, we have to have some discipline, just like you said, to be able to go and look at that thing from the end of it. And you said something for me to segue right into that now, which is I think is a good time to do that. All the things we talked about, we shared with you about some of the things we experienced in our childhood. She shared with you about some things that she's experienced that bled over from her childhood into adulthood with certain words that causes a certain response. And even with the previous relationships that we've had, these are the different things that we have to navigate even until now. And one of the things that I know that's so powerful for some of you all to understand is that when you're listening to the podcast, you're just like, well, what is this information that Dr. D may be sharing with you or Oscar may be sharing with you that can help me during this moment? And what happens when I experience these types of incidents in my life? What am I supposed to do with that? So it's from the male perspective that I bring a lot of the information that I speak to. She brings it from the female perspective. That said, I'm going all the way into what I'm about to share now. I was in a previous relationship with a young lady who knew that I was being, who knew that I was celibate, practicing abstinence. It does two things in the mind of a woman, at least two, that I'm aware of. There may be more, but you can speak to that. But anyway, when I shared with that young lady at the time, I said, hey, I just felt like as a man, you give direction right from the beginning when you're dealing with a woman. Not that you're trying to lord over her or anything else like that, but you give the framing of what it is that you are doing so she can either get behind it, get beside you, and decide she wants to make a decision to go with it or not. Plain and simple. That's one of the things that I know that's real at the primary thought process behind people this day and time. It's at the forefront, trying to figure out where you are. Because again, as I grew up, a lot of folks perceive that a dude just trying to get in your underwear anyway. All that said, ladies and gentlemen, let me get to where I'm going with this. When you take the power of penis and vagina off the table, now you got to come to the table with the true, authentic reason why you're approaching a person, male or female. And what I mean by that is that what's your real intent? Am I just trying to hook up with you just to get you in bed? Or am I trying to hook up with you because I want to do this thing called life with you? So I said that because the previous relationship I was in at that time, and God has brought about great uh restoration in both of our lives. But I said all that to say this is that when I shared that with that individual, would y'all believe, you you probably, some of y'all probably gonna laugh, blow the comment section up. But anyway, when I shared that with that individual, do you know what that individual responded with? They thought I was gay because I said that I was celibate and I was restraining myself until I got married. I was automatically labeled as gay. And so with that, that right there shows you right there, as men, when these different temptations present themselves to us, we have to know who we are and stand resolute in that thing because we can stand 10 toes down, boots on ground, to know that when these different vicissitudes of life occur like that, when these different vicissitudes of life come up, where people want to challenge the image of who you are and what you're about, that's when you can stand and say, you know what? Hey, everybody don't have to understand my story, but the story that I have and that I'm living out, I know it's for the betterment of someone else. It's about looking beyond what we're just doing in that moment. And so, with that, that's the perspective that we have from a man. And with that being said, how about volleyball? Can I do volleyball? Okay.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

Volleyball. Yeah, no, because I can't catch that again. Oh, okay, okay. We're gonna figure out a sport that we can catch stuff at. No, I was, I mean, I was excited that I was over here jumping when you were saying that because it reminded me of what Dr. Adidi said today about the disappointment and how disappointment. Come on. When people tr mistreat us or do something and it brings disappointment, because I'm sure you were disappointed in her answer.

SPEAKER_03 30:24

Yeah, because again, remember how she bridged that gap with the expectation.

SPEAKER_00 30:29

Yes, there you go. And disappointment and being careful with disappointment because we can take on the image of that disappointment and start asking ourselves, what's wrong with me? With it, I'm right. I did. And he could have easily taken that on and say, and say, like, what's wrong with me? How am I presenting myself that she would do something like that? And I I can't even say that.

SPEAKER_02 30:51

Say something like that for sure.

SPEAKER_00 30:52

To say something like that to somebody that you are supposed to be working towards a relationship with.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:59

Um, and even for me, it's the same thing in my marriage, in my previous marriage, taking on that disappointment of there's something must be wrong with me because I'm too much. I you're doing too much. You're you're going after this degree, or um, you know, you're starting a business or something. I'm like, what there's something wrong with me? And then you start to question the promise that God has over your life if you don't know who you are.

SPEAKER_03 31:24

That's good.

SPEAKER_00 31:25

And that's listen, we can go right into the the the whole disc because I feel like that identity work and what I talk about in the book Kairos is about identity. So I am going to go into the whole disc in my book. Um, as it rel you know relates to when my innocence was taken from me, there was a lot of shame that came along with that from adults. Not just because an adult had taken my innocence, but because of the perception other adults had on me, not understanding, my body was reacting in a way that I had no control over and I couldn't understand. I knew what was do what was happening was wrong. Yeah, I had a clear understanding, but had no language or the ability to tell anybody else that what was happening to me, because in their eyes, it was happening from another teenager or another boy. Their mind couldn't go to a grown man who was doing this. Yeah. And anything that it perceived of me acting out, or in their opinion, acting fast, was because something that I had done or another teenage boy had done. Not connecting that to an adult. So I carried a lot of that dirt, the feeling dirty, the feeling ashamed, the condemned, I mean, the condemnation of you are unclean. And I did everything I could. I got so involved in church because I thought, and Pastor Duane talked about that when he was going up every Sunday to be saved, it felt like to me that I had to do something to clean myself again every single time. And he did this from 11 to darn near 18 years old. So for seven years of my life, every single time I felt like I had to do something to make myself worthy.

SPEAKER_02 33:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

And and be sanctified over and over again.

SPEAKER_03 33:25

So, how did you make the connection from what Dr. Didi has said today? You were talking about going to the end of the thing, and then you were talking about what? So, how did you bridge the gap with that with the whole desk?

SPEAKER_00 33:34

As a child, or oh, the the oh, taking on that. Taking on all those words of those adults who looked at me and said, She's fast. She's too much. Even in again, in my my previous marriage, of you're doing too much. Um, even being in leadership roles and and and and learning that now, I didn't have the ability as a child. And I'm hoping that someone who has a you know, young girls in their lives now can really do the the intimate work of building that relationship with God to let them know that they're saying, you are already holy. You've accepted God, you are in his image, and nothing can change that image. And in their mind, doing the work of the identity, I I identify with the Christ in me. And it only was because of some people in my life and that foundation. I mean, when I say that God left the 99 to come get me, I truly believe that in my heart came after me, chased after me, time and time again. Because not one but two failed attempts to take my life over feeling condemnation.

SPEAKER_03 34:50

So, so that's good. And I appreciate you for your candor and sharing that information again and your transparency with that, because this is a lot of things that you're not the only person that's dealing with that, and person that has dealt with that. So, what are some practical steps that you would give to women who are dealing with that? So, how do you help them with that? So now that we've done that, because if I'm listening from what you shared with me, and I'm just being real, we're talking about that, it just sounds like there was a snap of the finger and you arrived at what you are now. Oh, actually. So, how do you give somebody practical steps who've experienced that or is experiencing it to be able to come out of that stuff to get to where you are now?

SPEAKER_00 35:29

One, go get my book. Um no, and uh and in in in all seriousness, no, it wasn't a snap. I mean, I'm 48 years old, um, heading towards my 49th birthday, and I don't, I'm just not one of those people that believe that we just arrive. I don't believe that. We are always arriving, I and G, because life is happening, and it's in real time. Life is happening. There are going to be disappointments and death and loss and joy and all the other things, the roller coaster or life. And I, if I had to tell somebody um any practical step, it would be one, connect with the church that's feeding you. Because the a part of me being as a child in that church was not being fed the word as a child. That again, that relationship, those rules without that relationship. Find you a church in this big age. You know, I could talk to the young girls and the and the kids, but uh as an adult, find a church where you're being fed so that you can identify with who Christ has called you to be. Your past is gone. Yesterday is gone. But you have right now in the presence, in the presence, you are being held by God, and He's still chasing you. So I would say find a church where you can be fed and then connect with a community and a person, a coach that is spirit-led. A spirit-led coach in all seriousness, and a spirit-led coach that's going to help you um with that identity work. Because once you do the foundational work of an identifying, God is the bottom. And it if you've hit the bottom like I have, there's nowhere else to go from Christ but up and building that firm foundation.

SPEAKER_03 37:32

That's good. That's good. And some of the practical steps that I would give a young man who's experienced um setbacks, unmet expectations that uh we were been talking about today, that's where disappointment comes in because I like how you're talking about that, because Dr. Didi was talking about that. She said disappointment, there's a gap between disappointment and expectation. And it's somewhere between there, as far as when it's unmet, that's where the disappointment part kicks in, is where that unmet expectation is hit. But um, for that man or for that young man that may be watching this, and for those feelings that you've been told that you're not good enough, she said that. That's exactly what I felt. The young lady who said, I mean, asked me the question, are you gay? I'm like, six four, 255 pounds alone, and I'm not trying to say that that couldn't be the case. But in my mind and in my thought process, I'm like, what she just said. I was like immediately thinking, what's wrong with me? So I took on that perception that they had, immediately thinking something was wrong with me. But there is something in which I've been taught as well by uh my pastor that is powerful. He said, whenever somebody gives a report about you, be it true or not, at least take it with a grain of salt to evaluate it as truth for a moment, just so you can just check it out, if you will. So I did just that part of it. But the very first thing that you do is if you're feeling that from someone, they said something that's projecting off onto you or you feel like I'm not sure if that's me or I'm not, you have to just find information, find sources of information that's gonna help you and that's gonna feed you to want to do something different. And I'm speaking to those that may be believers and those that may not. If there's something that you're wrestling with in yourself and you're feeling like, am I a problem, or I don't know if I'm enough, find resources that's gonna empower you to be able to tap into the confidence and what you need to make a next step and then the next and then the next and then the next. And my favorite scripture that I go off of, she knows where I'm going with this already, is Matthew 5.41, which says, He who compels you to go with them one mile, go with them two, is taking that step, that step, that step. Because again, like you said, we're focused on the end of that thing, and because to get to the end of that thing is gonna require steps. And when you do that, surrounding yourself with like-minded people, that community that she spoke to, that's gonna set you up for success, whatever that looks like for you in your life. Oh, my bad. Um, no, no. Basketball?

SPEAKER_01 40:11

No.

SPEAKER_03 40:12

No, okay, I can't basketball. You can catch a basketball.

SPEAKER_00 40:15

No, because you don't throw a hot potato, you pass a basketball.

SPEAKER_03 40:18

Hot potato. Okay, hot potato.

SPEAKER_00 40:20

And and end the podcast.

SPEAKER_03 40:23

Uh I was trying to do the hot potato. No? Okay. But hey, ladies and gentlemen, again, we thank you all so much for being on here today. This has been such a great, great time. I appreciate you so much. I mean, you look absolutely just cute over there. I'm saying. What? What's funny now? You gotta wait. What don't anyway? This girl said, I gotta wait. Hmm. Grandma ain't never called me fast.

SPEAKER_01 40:51

Ah, neither did mine.

SPEAKER_03 40:55

Hey y'all, I'm Oscar.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

I'm Dr. D.

SPEAKER_03 40:58

And we said what we said. See you next time.