Narcissist Unloaded

Rocky talks about trauma bonding and how narcissists in relationships, friendships, or family members can be toxic.  Rocky shares some personal stories about the narcissist in her life and the effects of standing your ground. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Hey y'all, welcome to another episode of Rocky Unfiltered. I'm going to come in hot with this one. Narcissistic behavior and disorders are a trigger for me more on a personal than a professional spectrum. I will say that this episode is going to be extra raw and unfiltered with language you might find repetitive and offensive. So listen at your own risk. Narcissists are the one thing that get my blood boiling. There should be a special place in hell for people that get off making someone miserable to the point that you want to lose your shit and you don't care what you destroy in the process. The strategic ways these people prey on others that are honest, strong, smart, and have a huge heart pisses me off. There are a few of them on my realm of aggravation that I will share with you about. Narcs are the one person in this world that hates me and I despise them. I'm an empath and I'm their worst fucking nightmare, as I've mentioned in a previous episode. I can immediately sense their fake ass from the moment they open their mouth. I can look at them in the eye and give them that fear of exposing them to the snap of a finger. They are not incognito to me, and more than anything, they stand out to me almost immediately. I have a knack for mindfucking them in a way that eliminates them from my life in almost an instant. Although this is fun as hell, don't get me wrong, it does come with some consequences. For example, my brother married a narcissist. The consequence comes with knowing that exposing her, I would almost be putting my relationship with my brother on the brink of non-existence. I had to think hard before I opened my mouth about some of the shit I witnessed. So I'm sure you know what I did. I don't have a relationship with my brother anymore because the opportunity presented itself and I did what I had to do. It was only a matter of time, and because I waited patiently like a lion ready to pounce their prey, the opportunity landed in my lap and I fucking took it. This is how full of shit narcs are. They don't think they ever do anything wrong until they do. And bam, just like that, I nailed her ass to the wall. It felt so good to say what I have been waiting to say for years. The typical response I got was silence. They fucking knew better than to come at me, but the fighter in me was a little disappointed that they ran the other way thinking they won. She did what I knew she would, and she pinned it on my brother to take care of. The moment I heard from my brother about the situation, I knew this is what it was. I tried to get my brother to hear me out, and of course he didn't want to deal with the possibility there could be another side of the story, and well, he made a decision to cut me off. I know she was smiling from ear to ear because it was another part of her plan to eliminate another person that meant the world to my brother from his world. See, my brother and I are one year and six days apart. We grew up sharing our birthdays together, we got in trouble together, and we're in sports together. We shared many of the same friends and always had each other's back. This included us being the only siblings to have boys. So this was another part of our closeness and things that we shared. We did the normal fighting when we were younger, but nothing ever too much we could never work out, and the same with my sister. As adults, being in our late 40s, we were entering a new season, such as being grandparents. And we have looked forward to sharing this time together, as I always knew that us three would always stick together as we got older because that's the type of closeness we have always had growing up. I had no idea I'd be spending my late adult life without a brother. It saddens me, and I pray that one day he will wake the fuck up and realize what is really going on, but I'm not holding my breath. The damage his wife has done has alienated him from everyone, including his friends. The hard part is knowing that my brother knows exactly what the fuck she is and didn't have enough balls to stand up for what was right. He did what most trauma-bonded partners do. He looked the other way. He was guilted, love-balmed, and pushed into choosing them and their lies. No one ever asked my brother to choose between his family and his wife. That isn't something our family would do. I would love more than ever for my brother to realize that we can still have a relationship and a respectful one at that, but it's a two-way streak, not a one-way being dictated by his narcissistic wife. It doesn't really bother me that my brother basically disowned me. It saddens me that one day he will be wondering where everyone he let go in his life that was always there before this narcissistic cancer came into his life went. She really thought she had it all planned out. Her social media was drenched in lies, deceit, and manipulation. The way she tried to capture her audience, like she was a famous influencer, was so obvious. The fake persona and portrayal of her life was a fucking joke online. The family knew what type of person she is and what she's all about in real life. She would come to family gatherings and make a grand entrance of hello, as if she really fucking wanted to be there. She would sit on her phone and go over the fake life she has on social media, not talk to anyone, and only spoke when spoken to, barely. Her attitude was of a snooty one and always looked down on us. She would say things that were disrespectful, and in many cases, would have gotten her ass whooped if it was anyone else. There are countless amounts of times that I witnessed how vindictive she was and used people without a care in the world. The moment I met her, I thought to myself, oh my God, what the fuck has my brother done now? Things just got worse after they got married, and she made it hard to like her. I wasn't raised to put people down because they were different or didn't have what they had, but she did. So the one common denominator was her. No one wanted to be around her, didn't like her. She was manipulating situations to make herself look good. So when my brother stated, I'm tired of everyone in the family not liking her excepting my wife, well, little bro, if the she was on the other foot, you tell them to fuck off in a heartbeat. It's no longer my problem, and I refuse to be nice to a narcissist that intentionally hurts people because they think they can. It didn't take long before everyone figured out what was really going on. For the sake of family, we did a lot of tolerating and it was building and building as a typical narcissist. She didn't see this pissed-off sister coming in hot. She was treating my nephews like shit, making fun of them, tearing them down, and in the next breath, playing family like it meant something to her. Taking family photos, calling them her son, keeping my niece away from other family members, including their grandparents, or using them to play the part of being nice and making them think that they were important. No matter if they're trying to deceive or protect their image, it is hurtful, but it also isolates you from others who might believe the narcissist's false story. The abuse got worse because my brother was left defending himself against accusations that came straight from the torment he and my nephews had to go through. My poor niece doesn't even have a choice. It was all premeditated for years. The joke's on her as I'm glad she messed up, and I don't have to spend another moment holding my tongue for the sake of a relationship my brother didn't give a shit about with his sisters. The narcissist doesn't have value in anyone but themselves. They will stop at nothing to destroy and prey on people that allow them to. These people only speak of gaslighting and love bombing. There is no accountability whatsoever in their bones. Picture spending years with someone you love, thinking that your efforts to love them unconditionally came from a genuine place. To only find out that the conditions are their way to control you sounds pretty fucked up, doesn't it? You don't usually understand what's going on at the beginning, and you tear yourself up trying to figure out what is wrong with you, why you always feel like you're the problem. The amount of time and energy you spend trying to fix something that you never created to begin with. These manipulative tactics are what narcissists live off of. How many of you have fought what feels like a ghost, or maybe have wasted so many fucking years of your life that you will never get them back? It's the recipe of a narcissist, and they will stop at nothing until they break you in ways you never thought were possible. The emotions you feel are nothing less than toxic, and it will break you if you let it. So my ex-husband got me hook, line, and sinker. The first thing this asshole said to me was, Where have you been all my life? Like, what the fuck? How did that work on me? I still questioned myself, was I desperate, stupid, or just naive thinking that he was the one? I was only 26, yeah, young single mom, but looking back on it now, I felt like I'd left my fucking brains on the corner of you just fucked yourself and don't even know it, Boulevard. So this shit went on for years and years, and of course, through those years, I obviously revisited the you just fucked yourself again, Boulevard. The cycle continued without any resolve or change, no matter how hard I tried. The whirlpool I was in had me caught for many years. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted a redo knowing what I knew years later. All the lies, betrayal, and deceit were insanity. The same shit, different day and place, but it never fucking stopped. I can't even count the number of times that I can go back now and I would kick my ass for not seeing the signs. Like the first fucking one. We got married for the first time on a Friday. We had nothing planned beyond that. No honeymoon, plans, nothing. Just that we got married and well, here we are. So here we are on that next Monday in mediation with his ex-wife. This is the woman he despised and was afraid to tell we were getting married to begin with. My first thought was, what a fucking pansy. However, I found out really quick, he wanted to hide his double life from me and didn't want me to know any of it. He was offended that I wanted to work with his ex-wife for the sake of my stepdaughter at the time. I wasn't afraid of her, but I noticed shit that I wasn't willing to let go of. So, for example, his daughter was three and a half, still sitting in a high chair drinking from a sippy cup, not potty trained, and eating cereal for dinner while this asshole was preparing himself a five-course dinner. I was appalled and confused at the same time. I chalked it up to him being a guy, so of course I stepped in to teach her all of the things. Just a small example, example of a lot of things that we went through. Like, what the fuck? I was hidden from so much shit and I had no idea what was coming for me down the stretch. It was the I love you. It wasn't me that did it. I promise I'll take care of it. I would never do that to you. All the love bombing bullshit, blah, blah, blah, fucking blah. The way he would use my own words as a weapon and my reaction when I defended myself became a cycle, and it felt like I was going in circles. He fed off my frustration and anger. For example, I was the bad person when I got pregnant with our youngest, and he had to go to Iraq, and I found out that he took his wedding ring off the whole time he was over there. My thought was, excuse me? The excuses he made about why he didn't acknowledge he was married and had a child on the way sent me into a fucking tailspin. I spent so many hours trying to make the pregnancy as special as I could since he was gone fighting for our country. I sent pictures, videos, cards, notes, and I always tried to make things so special. Here he is over in Iraq, having an emotional affair and not being honest with people. So fuck me, right? The audacity he had to love bomb me and take advantage of our situation is something I have a hard time forgiving him for to this very day. That was the turning point that I realized I was married to a damn narcissist. This is just one of so many examples. To be honest, looking back on it now, I literally handed him all the power and I didn't even know it. Oh my God, just thinking about it pisses me the fuck off. I gave him the power to continue to manipulate me so that he could switch it around and the spotlight was now on my reactions rather than this bullshit wrongdoing. I was finding out more and more about this so-called man I loved every day. My gut was telling me something was way off. So I grew a fucking backbone and I started questioning. Well, yeah, narcissists hate being questioned. If you for one second try to question their ego or image, holy shit, you see more motivation from them than if they were real humans fighting for a good cause. Well, I guess they are, the cause not to get fucking nailed to the wall. Just the thought, how about fighting for what is right and stop doing stupid shit that twists yourself up in the web you created? Because eventually you will get knocked down by the ones you hurt or karma herself. Narcissists think they are so good at playing the victim card. Don't be fooled to think that they give a shit about how they make others feel. The only feelings that exist are theirs and theirs alone. It's all about them. The grandiose high they get seeing others react like as if they need to be in a psych ward and a padded cell because they've lost their fucking minds, or they yell and scream because they feel like they have lost all contact with reality. It's their number one goal. It's a challenge not to fucking throat punch these assholes. And I don't mean just throat punch Thursday. I'm talking every day that ends in why. Narcissists want to be chased and feel like they're in charge. If you have never heard of the gray rock method, look it up because if you're ready to go, no contact, then this method will set a way for you to do that. You will drive yourself insane trying to make a point or reason with the narcissist. They have no idea what empathy or compromise even means. They want to destroy the very thing that keeps feeding them. I know this sounds fucked up and backwards, and it is. It's called trauma bond. Trauma bonding is a powerful, addictive emotional attachment that develops between a victim and their abuser through cycles of abuse and intermittent affection. Narcissists are no different than domestic violence cases. Instead, they use emotions to tear your insides into shreds. They need excessive admiration and have zero empathy. Their admiration is all about them. The more you try to reason or chase one, they will exploit you for their gain. The trash talking, making you feel like you are the problem. It all becomes toxic. The cycle of toxicity revolves around your emotions or becoming unhinged, and that feeds their delusion and their motive that they are important in some way. Narcissists only see things from their point of view. They are so full of shit and have this entitled, inflated ego they believe no one can challenge. They have a false sense of superiority, which means they're performing for an audience. How about reading a room? Yep, nope, they will stop at nothing until you see things from their perspective. A narcissist is a broken kid in a grown-ass body. Instead of healing, they turn into a manipulative, sad person. It turns out they were taught that love was earned through lies, performance, and control. They crave attention like a damn junkie. Rather find the true meaning of life instead of facing their shit they project it by shaming you, blaming you, gaslighting the fuck out of you so that they don't have to deal with what wounded, screaming inner child is there. Narcissists use a tactic called reactive abuse to mess with people and twist the truth. They will purposely push all your buttons with relentless emotional abuse until you either snap or you react with emotional frustration. The next step is claiming you're unstable, you're irrational, or you're abuse of yourself. This is their master plan to shift the blame away from them and make you look like the problem. Their actions are always somebody else's fault. They made decisions based on what they felt was reality when that is the furthest from the truth. If they don't like something, they will hold it against you, throw a tantrum, or isolate anyone from you that can remotely talk to you and provide a realistic perspective of what the fuck is happening. They will cut off or isolate themselves from others that will call you on your bullshit. They play the victim like a child and won't stop until they get what they want. They embellish their life with everyone around them that will send them accolades, making them feel important. The real people that know who they are will always be the bad people on their eyes. The moment you try to discredit their image, they will go into their arsenal of bullshit and find ways to hurt you at any cost. My ex-husband lived a double life. He would play the part of a provider, husband and dad. He only showed up when there was something important to check in about. There was never any emotional attachment to me or his kids. The only thing he ever did was make an appearance to stay relevant as if he was making a cameo in the role of being significant. He didn't know what the kids' favorite food was, what motivated them, favorite colors, their temperament, or even what level of academics they were on. All of the special occasions and holidays were created and done by me. He didn't participate or know what the kids got for Christmas, for example. I did the shopping, the wrapping, and making it all special. It was the drop and go, and by that I mean dropping money to buy their love. What he didn't count on was me being as strong as I am and I was, and that my kids' only security they needed and wanted was mine. Narcissists expect normalcy because your silence protects their image. If you let things go, they don't have to face who they really are. These people want access to you without any accountability. For example, reconciliation with my ex-husband four fucking times meant that I didn't have time to think about what a repair in the marriage would look like. And all he wanted was comfort again without any correction. The worst part about a narcissist is not their insults or how they hurt you. It's the mere fact that they can wake up the next fucking day like nothing ever happened. When you finally decide to remove yourself from the narcissist, they pull out the charm and sweetness. They don't want you to be strong enough to stand up to their bullshit and risk their image being exposed and put them on display for all to see. The narcissist will push you until you leave them, not the other way around. Their image is more important than your hurt, their betrayal, and constant gaslighting. Think about how it looks if the chameleon changes colors without you knowing and you react because you didn't see it coming. You know you saw what it looked like before, where it was, and for a second, you feel like you're losing your fucking mind and going crazy. The narcissist works in shades of bullshit and can turn it on and off so easily. Your reaction to the intentional changes can do a few things for a narcissist. If it doesn't shake you, they panic. If you react, then the energy shifts and they keep you second-guessing yourself. If you've been in a relationship, friendship, or have a family member that is a narcissist, please do me a favor, make sure you are protected. The moment you see the first sign something isn't right, use that gut I've talked so much about and investigate the uncomfortable feeling. Narcissists are never going to stop being assholes. So before you think you can change one, remember their number one goal is to always be on top and one step ahead of you. This is their reason for living. To make anyone vulnerable enough to believe their bullshit and a life of living hell, you will live. They will tear you apart in more ways than you have ever imagined. The long-term effects are real. They stick with you, and if you're not careful, they will define you. You will turn into a person you don't even recognize anymore. Trust me. I've had to work hard redefining myself. I literally had to grieve the person I was before I married the narcissist, the person I was when I was married to the narcissist, and trying to pull all the joy from the version of my healed self today. They will selectively share their version of events carefully, leaving out, painting their picture of them being the victim and you being the aggressor. Let them make you the villain in their story. Just don't forget the chapter that they created you. Reactive abuse isn't a reflection of your character, it's a calculated tool that the narcissist uses to keep control and hide their true self. So until next time, stay unapologetically, you stand your ground and keep your bullshit meter on high alert.