Chad - THE GROUP

In this episode, I’m on my own again.

This one is different.

I sit inside the groups I’m launching and why I think people are starving for spaces where they can stop performing and start being fucking honest.

Not self improvement.
Not life coaching.
Not people pretending they’ve transcended being human.

Just real people sitting in a room together finally realising:
“Fuck. I do that too.”

I talk about addiction recovery, unconscious behaviour, emotional triggers, avoidance, projection, defensiveness, relationships, affairs, criticism, masculinity, feminine energy, and the stories we keep repeating without even realising it.

I break down how small moments inside relationships are never really about the surface issue.

The coffee machine isn’t about the coffee machine.
The tone isn’t about the tone.
The argument today usually started twenty years ago.

This episode is really about slowing things down enough to see what is actually happening underneath our reactions.

I also talk about the danger of becoming the smartest person in the room.
How insight becomes ego.
How awareness becomes armour.
How people hide behind therapy language instead of actually changing.

These groups are not therapy.
They are not motivational seminars.
They are not a place to be fixed.

They are a place to get honest enough to finally see yourself.

The only real rule:
Don’t be a C*nt.

The question this episode leaves behind is this:

What story are you still telling that keeps you from looking in the mirror?

It’s You. Oh Fuck. It’s ME. In Session with a Psychotherapist
Hosted by Chad Taylor. Author of It’s You. Oh Fuck. It’s ME

No tips.
No fixing.
Just real conversations.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I'm Chad Taylor, psychotherapist, author of It's You, Oh Fuck, It's Me. No tips, no Fixing, just Real Conversations. And today I've got myself here again. I just really wanted to talk about the upcoming groups that I've got happening. I guess all my years of being in addiction recovery and attending groups and seeing the power of being in a room with other people, it's not so much the deep stuff that makes the difference. It's the the nods of the head, the fuck, I do that too. So I guess what I wanted to speak to today was just sort of giving a bit of an explain explanation on how I'm going to try and run these groups and what they're going to be about. So I'm hoping they'll be anywhere from 10 to 50 people at a time. And start off with almost a welcome that when we get there, we sort of check into the room and see where we're sitting, see where we are, see where things are landing, had been landing for us in the last week. They're an hour and a half a week, and they really are like going to a Pilates class or a boxing class or a weight training class. I'm I'm framing it around the gym for the soul or the gym for the mind. Confidentiality matters in this. When we get triggered, um addiction and avoidance behaviors, self-awareness, recognizing our unconscious behaviors more clearly. And I guess it's really a space to learn from others through their own scenarios and through what we bring all of us collectively to really fuck, that's me. Like I live like this as well. And what what we can do about it doesn't mean you're going to come here and attend this group and then three months later your relationship's going to be perfect. But what it will do is it'll open up that awareness and allow you to see that you're not alone and that some of these things that we do and behaviors that we act out in relationships are so fucking common. I see them day in, day out in my therapy practice. They're so common and they're so simple. But fuck, they're so hard when that egocentricity is in the way. So I guess there'll be a few rules, and the main rule being don't be a cunt. You know, that is really the only main rule. And underneath all that, things like no crosstalking, no giving people advice, no being the expert in the room, cameras on where possible, understand some people or want to hide. And I think they think they're hiding from the group, but they're really hiding from themselves. But yeah, as long as you're not fucking mowing the lawn while you're trying to attend the group, then everything goes. And I guess the way I want to start it is almost to check in just to see how people are feeling on a on a scale of one to ten, where one being the worst day of your life and ten being the best where you've been over the last couple of days or last seven days. And then I'm going to go into like a reading or a a paragraph or a quote or something someone sent me. Could come from addiction recovery, could come out of my book, could come from uh relationship literature or philosophy or mindfulness, spirituality, doesn't really matter. It's not really going to be about academic learning or long lectures, it's more about creating a space and a starting point for honest conversation where we can hopefully end up with you know self-awareness or reflection, really exploring those unconscious patterns that lie beyond really what we think is going on in our lives. And then hopefully we'll move into some sort of discussion where people can discuss what landed for them in that opening part, what triggered them, what they related to and what they didn't relate to, what they might have struggled with, or what resistance came up, you know, how those themes show up in their own lives. And it's not about being perfect or insightful or um yeah, trying to be the smartest person in the room. We don't want that. If that's your goal to come to the group and be the smartest person in the room, you're wasting your time because it's not about that. You know, it's about honest conversation, uh, self-awareness, reflection, and really recognizing those patterns more clearly through our discussions and through our shared experience. Then I'm hoping we're going to go into a real life relationship example. It could come from someone's emailed me something in anonymously. It could be drawn from common relationship dynamics if nothing's coming up, attachment style, or um the five love languages, or there's so much out there, masculine, feminine energy. Um, yeah, there's so much stuff out there that, but uh, what I'm trying to bring in is topics of conflict, or even cheating or affairs, avoidance in relationships, how communication is is everything, and how those communication breakdowns really fuck relationships, intimacy struggles, um, defensiveness, the four horsemen of relationships from Gottman literature. Esther Perell's got so much good stuff out there on, you know, what is an affair? Is it a penis in a vagina or is it when you're having sneaky conversations with somebody and it could be that your partner is asleep next to you and you're messaging someone on Messenger that you probably shouldn't be messaging? They're the that they're the things that you know, we're not going to bring up and make people dump on the ground on in the room. But what I'm hoping is by hearing those things, we can noddle on and think, fuck, wow, I I do that, and I didn't even realise I was probably being dishonest. So I guess what we're trying to do is explore those nervous system responses, you know, where we project, our protective behaviors, accountability, all these sorts of things. You know, it's not about judging or attacking, or it's about becoming more aware of our own patterns through what we're hearing through somebody else. And then if there's time, we might go into some sort of live process work where I do more of an in-depth session, and that's time-dependent with a few or with one or a couple of participants, where someone might bring something from their life or what's happened to them previous relationship, current one. It could be something simple as, and I see this in my therapy practice, that if someone's bought a coffee machine, a $3,000 coffee machine, and the other partner's at home with the children, and this could be the man or it could be the woman, and that person forgets to clean the coffee machine, and when the other person, when the other party comes home from work, and the first thing they notice is the coffee machine that they have they have been the one out working and earning the money. And when I say that, working in the home is just as fucking hard, if not harder, right? So I'm not trying to take sides here if anybody's getting triggered. And if you are, you're the target audience for the group. But he'll I'll use him, he'll walk in the door. Oh, nice to see the coffee machine isn't cleaned again. Because for him, what's going on is he feels disrespected. It seems like a coffee machine, but it's really about that that person, could be the woman, has had to earn enough money to buy that, and it feels like a disrespect. And it's more about fear. Everything comes back to fear. That that person could not have enough money to buy another coffee machine if it breaks. So it's amazing. And then obviously, then the other person's defensive when that person's come home and dumped that on them, and straight away they're in criticism from the get-go. From the minute they walk in the door, they're in criticism. But if we can actually stop these little criticisms and these little one-upping of each other, I think life changes so much. And I know that from my own relationship. So, what I want to do is bring it to the front and slow it right down. Slow it right, right down. You know, what happened for them? How they felt, how they think the other person felt after a while, what got triggered, what story and what narrative? You know, you never you never respect me because the coffee machine isn't cleaned. Yep, that's right. You never fucking respect me. You just don't respect me. And it does feel like that for us in the moment. What happened in our bodies? What patterns showed up? Does this have history? Did mum and dad play this out? Did a previous partner play this out? Like what's the trigger here? And really, what we're trying to get to underneath all this is what uh what is your part in it? Really, you know, rather than finding a quick fix, it's or blaming or get lost in the story, it's what's your part in it. So, really, I'm trying to slow the work down, cut through that sort of narrative that lives on the surface and bring the focus back to what's happening underneath all that in the unconscious or subconscious programming. And the rest of us learn by witnessing that process of what's happening in on the screen in front of them and how that might play out in their life. If you come to judge and think you're better than people, don't fucking bother. Honestly, it's it's not the group for you. It's not the group where we need experts, including me. We don't need experts in there thinking they know everything, because none of us fucking know much at all. And then hopefully finishing with some sort of QA, open reflection and discussion connected to the scene, to what I bought to start with, the themes, the process work we did and what's came up, you know, questions about what triggered them, where they show signs of avoidance or addiction, what patterns they noticed in themselves through what we'd done, and any personal insights. So I'm hoping that yeah, it's a place where people can just get curious and honest and get a deeper understanding of themselves, and then obviously finish out with a checkout and a close to see how we are when we're leaving. You know, my goal is on the way in to maybe put a number from one to ten in the chat. So we don't no one's gonna go around and say, Oh, so Jennifer, how are you today? No one's gonna get called on in this group. If you just want to come along and and observe and nod, go for it. Like it's it's no, there's no like go around the room and make each person speak. So just there is really no rules, but the number one rule is and the only rule is don't be a cunt, which really means don't risk don't disrespect yourself and don't disrespect others. And I guess the last thing I want to say is if you come into this group, make sure you've got some support people because obviously I've got a full caseload, I've got a family. This isn't um a substitute for therapy. I can't be picking up the pieces if things are being triggered. So make sure you've got some crisis lines or some people. It's not a crisis service. But if you really struggle with something or you think something wasn't okay, just send me an email and I'll try and get back to you as soon as I can or when when appropriate back to you to sort of make sure that you're okay. But yeah, definitely if something's come up that you think wasn't okay or I didn't run it right, because none of us are perfect, then I encourage you to reach out. But yeah, just want to make sure that you've got appropriate supports. So I guess, yeah, if you want to find out more about this, jump on my Patreon. There's a few different membership tiers. The last thing I'll say is there's there's two tiers really. There's the $80 Australian a month tier, which is all access to the group, and then there's one that's $20 a month dearer. But what I'm trying to activate there is what I'm trying to bring there is an a bonus group once a month for those higher tier members that oh fuck it's tier, where that per a person from that group gets to bring something they're passionate about. I'll still facilitate it and just sort of be in the background just in case we get off topic because off track and get into a rant because we all can. Want to be the smartest person in the room, and I want people to pull me up as well. That's that's part of this group. So that tier will be where somebody can bring something. If you're passionate about the work of Gabor Mate or Joe Dispenser or mysticism or Buddhism, or as long as it's not religious dogma, if you you're passionate about something, it could be um as much as it's not for me, it could be you know psilocybin assisted therapy. It doesn't really matter what it is, and I guess it's gonna be a space for you to have the floor for an hour and do what I'm doing. Because what happens is if we're trying to teach something, we generally deepen it and we learn it more than what we know it. So, yeah, that's just a quick recap of what's gonna happen. And yeah, I'd love this to grow into something bigger because, like I keep saying, the power of addiction recovery and the power of me knowing that for 25 years I go to a room like today's Friday here in Australia. Tomorrow we want to we we run an AA meeting in the local area, and we've been getting anywhere from eight to twelve people, which is great for this area, and just that not closing your eyes and nodding along and fuck, that's me. Fuck. Wow. He's telling my story, or she's telling my story. Fuck are they being spying on me? So yeah, I'd love to see is all there. There's a week free trial. Groups kick off mid-June, 16th of June or 17th of June. Time zone might be a bit out for you guys overseas, but I'd love to see you there. And yeah, there's a week free trial. So if you come to a group and it's not for you, just deactivate your membership and you won't get charged anything because it's very hard to judge something if we haven't really experienced it. And that's what I want to say to people if you come with an open mind, you can't judge something you haven't fucking experienced. And I'm gonna leave it there.