Unfiltered thoughts on CHS, Dependence and my History with Weed

This episode is honestly just me talking.

No heavy editing.
No perfect structure.
Just a real conversation about my history with weed, dependency, creativity, comfort, escape, and the role it played in my life for a long time.

I grew up around it.
A lot of my friends smoked.
It became part of hard times, good times, relationships, routines… life.

But I also started dealing with serious stomach issues and episodes that sent me to the ER multiple times. I was never officially diagnosed with CHS, but once I stopped smoking, those episodes went away completely.

I’m not here to judge anyone or tell people what to do.

I just think if you’ve been dealing with unexplained stomach issues, anxiety, nausea, physical symptoms, or weird health problems while smoking heavily — especially with how potent and mass-produced weed has become today — it might be worth experimenting with taking a break and really listening to your body.

This one’s messy and unfiltered.
Even Kiki makes a few appearances in the background.

But maybe that’s what makes it honest.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, welcome to coming back online. My name is Derek, your host, where we have talks about long-term weed use, mental clarity, and coming back to yourself. And Kiki is meowing in the background. Um Yeah, I'm gonna try to really keep this podcast kind of unfiltered. And I don't always know what to talk about. You know, starting a podcast is a new thing for me. Um sobriety is fairly a new thing to me. It's been a little over seven months now. And I guess I started this pod this uh podcast in hopes of finding other people that have gone through the same struggles that I have with um, you know, using weed to cope for many years. Um maybe since they were a kid, since they were fourteen or fifteen, or maybe came from households where uh other family members smoked weed or drank alcohol or used any kind of other drugs, or had, you know, just their friend group that just used marijuana a lot, or it just became like the norm. And um it's funny my cat gets all happy when I start post when I start recording on my on uh my microphone here. She gets starts running around. So, anyways, um yeah, I just wanted to talk a little bit about you know what I've gone through in the last uh I don't know, I guess I'll talk about the journey of everything from starting smoking to what made me want to quit. Um, how I wanted to quit multiple times throughout the years, but I never really could do it because it was just it's really uh for me it's really difficult. And I I know since starting my social media pages, I hear all sorts of stories, like people say, Oh, I've been smoking 50 years, I've never had an issue with it, or you know, I've been smoking a long time, and when I stop I have no withdrawals, I feel completely the same as I do when I don't smoke. But then there's a lot of people who do go through the withdrawals, and I think the main thing about weed withdraw is maybe it's not as intense, or not, I can't even say as intense, it's not going to be like extreme physical withdrawals that maybe that you need to be hospitalized for. You know, it's gonna be more um I think if you do a long term, there are some physical withdrawals, like you're gonna feel kind of very anxious and not be able to sleep and uncomfortable on your skin. Um just kind of feel overall like your your brain is rebalancing itself and it can feel very uncomfortable. It can feel almost like a sense of grief, I guess. Um, you know, you can have like a lot of cravings for it, and um, you know, I I feel like that kind of first week is when you have kind of the physical feelings of um coming off of weed. And um I guess the real thing about stopping smoking is dealing with all the symptoms after that and dealing with yourself and learning how to process your own um feelings and you know, like rebuild yourself as a sober version of yourself that you never really knew because you used weed as something that was normal since you were a kid, and now maybe you're I don't know, in your 30s or forties or even the twenties for that matter. Um doesn't matter what age you are, but now you are trying to fall in line with this new version of yourself, and that can be very difficult in the beginning. Um and I gotta get a can I gotta start filming these podcasts, because I'm telling you, right when I turn on my auto, I have this thing called AutoGo Microphone, which is like a small little box-size microphone. It's literally the size of like I don't know, like uh what's a comparison? It's just a very small little box, you know. It looks almost looks like a couple match boxes stacked up on each other. Anyways, I start recording on here and she starts running around like a nutcase. I think that means she's happy. So she wants me to start recording more and doing this podcast more. And so that brings me to another thing is I'm gonna um set up my back room. I bought some paint and everything, and I'm gonna try to set it up as like a little podcast studio, maybe start filming the podcast and getting clips from it and putting that on social media and maybe getting guests to come in and talk about um, you know, long-term weed use or uh mental health, all sorts of things. This is still something that I'm trying to build. This is something that's very new to me. Um, but you know, I think for a long time, like I was that kid who kind of like I got into like playing music when I was maybe 14 or 15, and when I started smoking uh weed and playing music, it was like this very like almost like this spiritual experience, you know. And I grew up being in bands and writing my own songs and playing acoustic guitar, and it really was a doorway for me to be creative. And I think it did make me creative, it did make me write a lot of music, and it was something that really um that I really enjoyed doing, and it was something that was a social thing for me, it was something that made me relax, it was something that made me creative, it was something that I did for any kind of occasion. If I was going to see a movie, if I was on vacation, you know, I would always be worried about having weed with me, and um I'd I'd be worried if I couldn't bring it on the plane or how I was gonna smoke in a hotel room without triggering the uh smoke alarms or making it stink in there. I was always thinking a step ahead on how I can have weed around me, and um, you know, it was a crutch. It was something that I just like depended on. And that feels good. It really feels good not to depend on something, not to have something that you need to lean on in order to feel normal. I'm really um grateful for that aspect and a lot of other aspects of not smoking. Um, but there are challenges as well. You know, um I do get sometimes like some evenings I can get really bored, even though I'm really busy lately. You know, I'm I started doing Tango classes, I'm taught I've talked about that. I've I'm going to school for drug and alcohol counseling to become an actual certified um counselor and for drug and alcohol dependency. Um because I've had uh people in my life who've suffered from addiction and you know I've had my own quarrels with addiction, even if it's just weed. Um but so I've been doing that. I've been staying busy doing those things. Um I have kind of limited some of my friendships, so you know, I'm not you know, I'm not going out as much anymore, and um I kind of miss that sometimes, you know, but I think I'm trying to keep myself in a safe space not to use other things like drinking or smoking cigarettes and then um not putting myself in situations that are gonna leave me vulnerable to smoking. Kiki, why are you tripping out? I'm recording a podcast. Can you hear Kiki in the back? She starts running around every time I start recording. You're gonna be on camera soon. You're gonna be a star. You're gonna be a little actress. See, anyways, I'm just trying to keep this uh like a conversation, you know, like we're talking, and um I don't know. I love to have people come on to the podcast one day and tell me their experiences. Um I guess it would be really cool just to build a community of like-minded people who um are trying to find this new version of themselves without smoking and who've made a lot of big changes in their life and are proud of themselves and have become this whole new version of themselves that they can stand behind that they're proud of. Um I'm in Los Angeles area, but I don't know, we can have meetup groups all across the US, or I mean we could I don't know, it'd be cool just to build this into a big community of people who become friends and um you know, like I really believe the way to stay on track is to help one another. So a big reason why I uh stopped smoking, and I know that I'm jumping all over the place here, but bear with me. I hope to get more organized, but this is kind of just a free flow of thought podcast. Anyways, the big reason I wanted to stop smoking weed was even though I wasn't f officially diagnosed, I do believe like in the last five, maybe three to five years of smoking, I had um what's called this uh CHS, cannabinoid hyperamesis syndrome. And I think I had this because I've done some research on it and heard a lot of stories, and I have a lot of the symptoms that people had. Um now, while I do hear a lot of people had severe bouts of vomiting and dehydration and even sometimes kidney failure, um I didn't I don't know if I necessarily had all those things. I did have really bad I would have these episodes or these attacks that would happen when I would smoke too much throughout the day, or if I wouldn't eat properly and smoke, if I would just layer things on, like if I would layer coffee upon eating uh maybe sugary foods or even acidic foods, pasta sauces, and maybe drinking alcohol in the evening. Um, you know, maybe eating in excess that day um along with smoking in excess is what really triggered these episodes and these bouts of what I believe now is uh CHS. Um and it was hit or miss, you know. Sometimes if I if I would eat very lightly that day, I would have like a very mild episode of it, or I wouldn't have an episode at all, or even if I did eat lightly, I would have an episode. It was you never knew when it was gonna hit. But most of the time it would happen when I throw caution to the wind with what I consumed as far as eating and drinking, and I smoked a lot that day, and it would usually happen towards, you know, like the evening around like five to ten p.m. So I was married at the time, and um, you know, my wife and I would smoke weed. Um we'd sit on we we were kind of homebodies, we'd hang out and smoke weed and we'd cook or order in um and it was just kind of the norm for us, you know, we would just pack a bowl and we would smoke and hang out and we would buy weed from the dispensaries almost like like almost every other day, you know. I guess spending like three to five hundred bucks a month on it. So we weren't light smokers, and um so we'd be hanging out on the couch, and all of a sudden I would just get hit with this intense feeling of uh like if I could just sum it up, it was just getting really um anxious and really dizzy and uh really bad like brain fog and almost like you feel like you're about to pass out um like and you're having a panic attack at the same time, but then also your stomach is um for me personally, my stomach was like having uh convulsions or contractions. Like really sometimes they were intense ones, like where my stomach would just pop out, like uh when I say pop out, I mean like just like uh imagine just like a a a contraction or um you know it was like something was going on in my gut. And um, you know, these episodes are so uncomfortable that I had to like figure I had to like either just keep walking around or I what I eventually found out what worked was going uh was drawing a hot bath and sitting in the bath for like 30 minutes to an hour. And eventually, I don't know if this is too much information, but eventually I would start burping or either like releasing gas, you know, and I would start to feel better, you know. Um a lot of the times uh she would help me during these episodes, and um another thing that I uh used to actually help me was like either chewing on like a piece of ginger. Ginger was really big, um, or ginger tea. That seemed to really soothe my digestion. So it was some kind of you know, ginger has been known for digestive issues and for helping um with acid reflux and things like that, kind of neutralizing your stomach. So the ginger would really help me, and the hot baths, um, those two things together would eventually calm down those episodes. But sometimes they those episodes will last longer and they would be really scary, like it would almost feel like um I was in my last moments, you know, like I was gonna die. And I know that might sound silly to somebody who smokes weed and doesn't have any issues with it, but for me that's why I'm connecting it to something that's been studied like CHS because um these episodes that I were having were very, very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. And you know, I'm no I can handle pain. I I'm no um baby, you know. I can I can definitely handle pain, but this is was a a deep internal pain that felt like almost like an autoimmune attack or like my body was attacking itself. And throughout those three to five years, I went to the hospital multiple the ER multiple times because of this. I even had to call um 911 a few times. I ha it was when I say a few times, I'm not gonna lie, like within those five years, it could have been like five to ten times because when I tell you I feel like I thought I was dying, I really thought I was dying every time I would have these attacks. And I'm not being overly dramatic, I'm not trying to push any propaganda, I'm not on the side of alcohol, I'm not on the side of anything that you use too much every day to mask anything or anything, and I mean chocolate cake is legal, I don't eat that every day. No one should eat that every day, but it's legal. Anything you do too much of is not good, but it was really it the these things were really hard for me, and you know, it changed my personality, it changed the way I treated my wife, i you know, when I would have these attacks, I I could y I I was scared, so I would yell at her sometimes, and I would scream in agony sometimes because it's really hard to explain, but it it really felt if I can put it in any words, it felt like there was a ticking time bomb in my stomach, and I was just about to spontaneously combust. And as silly as that sounds, it's it was my reality. For years it was my reality. I still don't have all the answers. Like I said, I wasn't officially diagnosed, but I'll tell you one thing. When I stopped smoking weed like when I really stopped smoking weed those episodes completely went away. They went away. They vanished. I didn't have to go sit in hot baths anymore, I didn't have to rush to make ginger tea, I didn't feel like I was gonna pass out. I didn't feel the stomach convulsions and the extreme panic and like my body was attacking itself and you know, throwing up um like this clear liquid, like like a intense acid reflex and digestion issues. I didn't I didn't have that anymore. And you know, it was kind of cool because, you know, I was on a very restrictive diet at one point to the point where I like lost a lot of weight, you know. And I know I'm I'm a little of a heavier set guy, I know I need to lose weight now, but it was the point where I didn't want to eat anything because everything that I ate hurt me, you know. And I'm not saying that the two things are disconnected, eat uh the how you take care of yourself and this CHS. 'Cause like I said, the more I threw caution to the wind with my eating, the more chance I would have of having these symptoms. But I'll tell you one thing. When I didn't have those symptoms anymore from not smoking, and I could eat what I want and enjoy myself, that was pretty fun. Being able to enjoy food again without worrying about what's going to hurt you and what's not was probably the reason why I gained a lot of my weight back, which I'm working on now. You know, I'm like I said, I'm taking cloud dance classes, which isn't enough. I'm I gotta really start going to the gym every day and working on that, which I am. And believe me, I'm being reminded about it on social media when people want to call me names for being a little overweight, but I'm not gonna let that stop me trying to find other people who I believe are out there, and I've seen through the comments and the messages that I've gotten since the start of this page that are out there. Something is going on. Something is going on, and it's either in the foods we're eating, it's in the the weed we're smoking, it's in the dispensary weed, it's in the um increase um in the uh THC and cannabinoids and uh potency of the marijuana or maybe the chemicals that they use or maybe how they transport it, where it's coming from. I don't know exactly what it is, but some people's bodies are rejecting it now. And it's happening a lot more in long-term users. So all I gotta say is this is the main thing that that I'm m this is my main message. That I created this page to find other people who have gone through similar situations as me. And to make those people not feel so alone in this struggle and this kind of invincible syndrome that no one's able to pinpoint, that doctors aren't pinpointing, that uh people are not connecting to maybe smoking weed. Anyone who's having any Any kind of unexplained stomach issues or panic attacks or even anybody who's not where they want to be in their life, motivational wise or career wise, or love wise, or any part of their life, they feel like they can do better, but they're they're stuck. They're in this cycle of monotony of this mundane life. Um, you know, and just because you stop smoking doesn't mean that life can't be mundane or you can't have those same loops and um thought patterns and be kind of stuck or stagnant at points in your life. But you do feel a lot clearer and you don't have your anxiety, your physical anxiety connected so much to your mental anxiety. They're very two distinguished things. You know, you could be mentally um overthinking or stressed about things, but it's not necessarily as tied to your physical symptoms as much as it was for me at least when I would smoke weed. Uh anxiety was very physical for me when I was smoking. It was very um, you know, I'd have panic attacks in the episodes that I would, you know, that I'm telling you about. So if you don't have any issues with smoking weed and you've been doing it and it works for you in your life and you're happy and you feel productive and you're happy wherever you're out you are, um you know, then I guess it's something that doesn't harm you. But if it does, then maybe it's time to at least try abstinence of smoking to see if those symptoms seem to dissipate. Um granted it's not gonna be easy, especially if you've been smoking for a long time. You're gonna have other uh kind of things that you're gonna have to work through, but you're not gonna have the intense physical symptoms that you've had. Um but you are gonna have to process a lot of things that you used weed to kind of push down. And that might take a little time, but it it does but you can work through it. It's not gonna be like uh the rest of your life kind of thing. It's something that you have to kind of slowly push your way out of. Like you were sinking in this quicksand and now you someone finally threw you the rope, and now you're slowly pushing yourself out. So I guess that's kind of the message for today. I know I kinda went on a big rant, um but you know, I've gone through a lot in the last few years, um, through divorce and getting sober and changing career paths and um starting new things like coming back online in this podcast. And I definitely feel like a r like uh like a rebirth of my spirit and of my soul and of my self as a a human being. And it's not all sunshine and rainbows, it can be tough days, you know. Um I'm still figuring it out. I hope as time goes along it gets easier, you know. I hope, you know, it's only been like seven and a half months, so I hopefully I keep growing and I keep evolving. So, anyways, I guess I'm gonna wrap it up with that today. If I'm not gonna do any editing on this podcast, I'm just gonna leave everything as it is. You can hear Kiki running around, you can hear me thinking, you can hear me not articulating as well as I do maybe on my social media posts. Very unfiltered today. So, thank you for listening. I'm gonna really try to keep posting more podcasts because that's what I really want to do is build that, and I want this to be more of a talking platform, uh, a long form platform. So I'm gonna put some cool videos, videos up of uh me fixing up that back room into the uh vision that I have for coming back online, and it's really cool. I'm gonna paint the walls green and make it really like serene and calming and peaceful. Um, you know, my equipment in the beginning might not be the best, but uh hopefully I can grow and get better equipment, audio and visual-wise, and I'm gonna keep going to school and keep learning about um you know addiction and keep trying to help myself and help others and build community. So if any of this that I've said resonated with you, um please shoot me a message or leave me a um a comment or a review on the um podcast um uh on the podcast uh what are they called? The comments, you know. Um I'm I've been getting a lot of messages on Instagram and stuff, and you know, like I want you guys to understand that I'm still going through a lot too and trying to work through everything, and um, you know, it means a lot to hear these encouraging messages and these stories, and I want to be there for everybody, but at the same time, it can be a lot for me to respond to everyone. But I want you guys to know that I do feel your presence, I do feel like we can all grow together. Um I I want to be an im a positive influence on people to find their path and to grow in a way that makes them feel complete as a human being and happy in all aspects of their life. And I um I'm you know, I'll I'm gonna slowly start responding to as many messages as I can. Um but yeah, I am still working through things, and I've been busy with school and and work and trying to stay healthy and sober and keep my mental health together as well. So I'm here, I'm listening to you guys. I'm gonna keep posting content and um thank you guys for listening, and I will talk to you on the next podcast.