What serves you, What doesn't, and how to know the difference

In this episode, I’m responding directly to comments and messages from people going through all kinds of struggles—grief, divorce, depression, feeling stuck, feeling empty, and wondering what’s missing in their lives.

We talk about the importance of listening to your body, paying attention to the signals your life is giving you, and being honest about what’s helping you and what’s holding you back.

I also share my thoughts on weed and recovery. If cannabis still serves you, isn’t causing problems, and helps you get through difficult times, that’s your choice. But if you’re questioning your relationship with it, feeling stuck, disconnected, anxious, or simply wondering what life might look like without it, this conversation may resonate with you.

This isn’t about judgment. It’s about curiosity, self-awareness, and learning to trust yourself enough to make changes when something no longer feels aligned.

If you’ve been feeling like something needs to change but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is, this episode is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Coming Back Online where we have talks about long-term weed use, mental clarity, and coming back to yourself. My name is Derek, your host, and I am doing another episode here. Don't really have any kind of script or bullet points on what I want to talk about. Um so, anyways, let's go um let's jump right into it. I'm gonna um I'm on TikTok too, um, but I'm gonna I'm getting a lot of comments on TikTok, and um I wanna go through some of them. So, um thing I just posted today was about something called um neurographic art. And this was something that I found very useful for me in the beginning, um, which was kind of like a meditative form of art. Um, and someone says, I used to do something similar to like I used to do something similar in class. I'm 39. Uh I'm sorry. I'm 39 now. I feel like this just unlocked a memory, plus being newly sober with anxiety. Um the way your pick looked locked my eyes. Thank you for sharing. We'll be doing it soon. So excited. Another person said, I used to do this as a kid, super cool. Yeah, it is super cool. It's um neurographic art is basically you get a um a piece of paper or a uh canvas and you have a thought or anything that's kind of bothering you at the time, or you just kind of think about something for about like 10 seconds, and then the whole thing is to scribble it on the paper. Come back and you fill in the edges and the corners of everything, and then you kind of color it in from there. But, anyways, um look into neurographic art, that really helped me a lot because it was something where I can just calm my mind and just kind of it was just very soothing for me. Um so that really helped a lot. Uh this podcast, I know it's kind of jumping all over the place. I'm just trying to figure this out, guys. I'm not I have uh this is all new to me. So, anyways, I'm gonna jump to another question here. Um this guy says 40 years smoker, I quit for a month and everything is the same. Smoke or no smoke. Smoke or no smoke, life is slow and boring, and I went back to s I went back to smoking. You know, I did this probably for like 15 years of my life. I mean, I I went back and forth a lot, and I didn't stop for that long when I did uh stop. It's not an easy process. It takes time, and that's one of the hardest things about stopping weed, is that it really is kind of a day-to-day struggle, and that you could be going through it for years, um, coming back to your baseline of who you are. It really is like going to battle, you know, with yourself and with trying to figure out who you are and trying to find your purpose and direction without smoking weed anymore. And the first month is probably the hardest month. And so, yeah, everything does feel rough in that first month. Um, but that's I think when you feel that friction, that's when you're actually making some kind of change. Anything hard is is difficult. Anything worth doing is difficult, you know. And so you have to really find ways to calm your mind and release anxiety and to deal with life without smoking. It's really difficult. And it's different for everybody. And you are gonna go through patches of depression and and loneliness and almost feeling like you it's almost it's a sense of grief. Um weed was very comforting for me. It was like a best friend, you know. So when you quit, there's a lot of grief involved. And there's new ways of thinking, and there's sleepless nights, and there's um identity shifts, and there's just so much going on that you really need to give it more than a month to really, I think, make any um huge life changes or anything that is really gonna benefit you for the long term. It's definitely a long term kind of game when you uh stop smoking. It's it's not easy. And even eight months in, I'm still, I feel like, kind of figuring out who I am and trying to deal with anxiety and social life and just coming to terms with the sober version of myself. And Kiki likes to talk when I'm doing the podcast. Or but not when I'm doing videos, then she doesn't. I don't know if you guys can hear her in the background. That's my cat. Anyway, so yeah, I think a big thing that made me want to change was having going through my divorce. I was in a relationship for 15 years, but married for only three. But um, you know, when I lost that person, it was really hard on me. And we used to smoke weed together a lot, and so when I was at home just smoking weed by myself without her, that really kind of kept me in that same um cycle of depression and gr and more grief and heartbreak. And that really made me want to quit. And then um, yeah, we had this cat together that we found by the 110 freeway in Los Angeles that was abandoned by the mama, and she was like literally the size of a baseball, and we had to bottle feed her, and um, so we had this new cat, and then when she left, she left the cat with me, so it was just me and the cat, and it was hard, you know. It was like I know a cat is they're more independent, but I still felt like I had to like take care of her and be and not cats are very perceptive on energy, and so when you're like really depressed, I think they get really depressed too. And I saw that in her, and um it's kind of funny talking about it like I'm like a dad, but it's like a I guess I am a cat dad, which I hate that saying. It doesn't sound very masculine, cat dad, but um, you know, I love the cat and I'm adapting to my new life, and the divorce was definitely a big catalyst for changing, and um this page has really helped me too um to held me accountable and seeing that I can help other people has really helped me a lot. Um and it's kind of giving me thicker skin too because I haven't always gotten the nicest comments from people, too. So I'm really grateful for this. It's uh you know, it's crazy. Like since the January 3rd, I've had a million views on this account. And I know it hasn't translated into like uh thousands of followers or like I gotta think 2,800. I don't know. That doesn't even matter, honestly. Um the fact is is that people are resonating with it, whether it's good or bad feedback that I'm getting. Um I do think, you know, when people get defensive over it, it's triggering something in them that they don't really want to face. And maybe eventually they will. Maybe eventually they'll come to terms with something that's not serving them in their life anymore. Anyways, I've been getting all sorts of uh comments and things like good and bad, and I don't know, it's really just held me accountable, this page. Um Let's go through some more comments here on TikTok. The TikTok. So another person said, listen, weed has brought me closer to the Almighty, saved my marriage, improved my sex life, and eliminated all discomfort. See that's the the thing about doing what serves you in your life. And I think my message is not so much like an anti-weed person, but my message is to try I know that there's the people who have been wanting to quit for years, or who have suffered from CHS symptoms, or who don't have the motivation, or don't have the energy because they smoke every day. The weed is strong now. I mean that the weed, I don't know how you're gonna smoke all day and not just be totally like burnt out at the end of the day. But I do know that there's a lot of people, if you're really being honest with yourself and it really does help your life, like let's say, for example, you've you were suffering from a disease, or you are currently, or you um maybe you were an ex-heroin addict, and the weed is a better alternative to doing heroin, or anything for or even alcohol, I think it's a better alternative. Um and it really benefits your life, and if you're really truly being honest with yourself and you don't see any negative down or negative effects from it, um, then by all means do whatever serves you, you know, whatever gets you through the night. The Beatles have that song. Whatever gets you through the night, it's alright. Do it, you know? Like, I'm not here to like to point fingers and say, oh, this is weed is an evil thing. I'm just here to try to help other people who went through the same thing that I went through. Like I had it, like in the last five years of smoking, it was bad. I I when I would smoke too much, I would have to rush to the bathtub because I would have these crazy stomach convulsions and like get dizzy and feel like I was about to pass out. It was almost like an autoimmune attack, and I would have my wife would bring me like gin pieces of ginger to like chew on because that was the only thing that like helped soothe my it was obviously correlated to some kind of digestion issue. Um, because that helped after a while, like 30 minutes to an hour in the hot bath with the ginger, and it would go away, and I would get these like um these like episodes of like burping and and like the gas would come back up. So I don't know exactly what it was and and in the future I'd like to talk to health professionals about CHS, CHS and other people who have had symptoms of CHS or who were uh officially diagnosed with it and see if there's any correlation with what I went through and um what they went through. But you know, it just didn't serve me anymore. I wasn't happy with it anymore. I wanted to make a change, and I wanted to make a change for years. And the fact that I never did, I lost a lot of trust in myself, and I felt weak. And when I finally could make that change and not do it anymore, I felt strong, I felt powerful, I felt uh empowered, you know, and um I don't have any of those symptoms anymore. So it just didn't work for me anymore. And if it works for you, that's completely fine. So listen to your body, be honest with yourself, and that's um my takeaway on that. Um okay, here's another here's another one. Um I got together with my now wife in 2012, married 2018, separated 2024, and right after my first DWI, our dream houses vanket, got my dream tucked re got my dream truck repo wife, sees me at useless. Good thing I lost 100 pounds healthier than twelve years of being miserable. Married there, I turned 40. Okay, I'm editing that out. I don't I can't really decipher what he's saying here. This guy says, bro, I didn't even know that until I watched this video. See, those kind of messages are like Fuck, those messages like when I can get through to somebody that doesn't even know what they're going through, and they have a realization that it's not serving them anymore, or they're having stomach issues like I did, and they want to make a change, that's what this is all about. That's like what this is all about. This is like my my way of like giving back after taking for so many years. And I really want to keep doing it. I really want to keep helping people, and that's why I'm going to school for it. And um almost halfway through the course, you know, I'm almost halfway through becoming a certified drug and alcohol counselor. I don't know exactly where that's gonna take me. But um I don't know. I feel a big sense of accomplishment with doing that, and then starting this page and finding new hobbies and a new identity in myself that's stronger, still has problems and issues, but is a lot stronger, more motivated, more grounded, more emotionally intelligent and aware and centered and control of my um my temper and yeah, so let's do a few more here. Um Let's see. I want to find a good one. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost my identity, uh I know the feeling. Those are the those are the if you have that feeling, then I think it's really time for you to make a change and stop smoking and find a new identity. Because it for me, coming back to that, I found a new version of myself from stopping. Um so if you're at that point where you you feel like every day's the same, you don't know who you are, you feel trapped in your own body, that that was kind of a a main um thing that I felt was like kind of feeling like a prisoner in my own body. I don't know if that makes any sense. Let's see here. About to turn 42 soon. Just quit a decent career. My wife and I don't have much financial security, but we're moving out of the country and are going to figure out. It's raw bare bones, but it's honestly freedom. Nobody to impress, nobody to keep up with, no societal norms. I wish you all the best. See, a lot of people are just sending love, and I appreciate that. I really appreciate it. I'm in a place right now, rebuilding in my forties, and it's okay. We got this. We do, we got this. Every day gets a little easier, and we it's not, you know, it's it really is very liberating, a sobriety journey. It's like not just losing something, you're gaining a lot, too. I started feeling this, I'm 44 and I don't even know what happened since COVID. It's crazy, gained a bunch of weight. Friends all have kids, I feel alone and afraid. Bro, this is the time where you need to take control of your life, make big changes, you know, like do things that are uncomfortable. I'm not I'm not the perfect example of like this gym bro and going in perfect shape. You know, I have a lot of work to do myself, but I want to do the work. I keep striving every day. I even if I don't go, I tell myself you should go. Even if I don't go for a week, I tell myself you should go to the gym, you shouldn't stop. Or if I don't do the tango class or stay social for a week, I get myself I feel guilty for not doing that. And so I think those kind of those um little voices in the back of your head are are a good kind of guilt. It's a good kind of pressure. And um if you're feeling that way, like lost and you don't know what to do, and that's the perfect time. This is these are the catalysts to make a change. These these like rock bottom moments are the catalysts to make a change. Dark night of the soul, ego collapse. Carl G Carl Jung wrote about this. Oh, interesting. We're doing a lot of studying about Carl Jung and alcohol uh studies. I should look into that. I'm gonna take a screenshot of that. Thank you for if you're listening and you wrote that comment, thank you. I'm gonna check that out. Um, rebuilding your life in 40s is tough, man. I'm going through it too. It is tough. Yeah, I don't know what life is anymore. Yeah, I know, I get that too. This is why I love the SAP. Some more stories. I'm 41, divorce, no kids, and trying to rebuild. Thank you for your story. Thank you for listening. Here's another story of grief connected with smoking. My husband passed away four years ago when I was 40. We had to we have been together for 22 years. Ugh. I had to literally rebuild my life from ground zero, but I'm proud to say that I'm still standing and doing very well. I'm a new and improved version of myself. Hell yeah. The resilience of the human spirit is is a real thing. You know, like going through tough moments and beating them and rising above them is really what life, I feel like, is all about. It's what the journey is all about. Not being too comfortable and like um facing your demons and rising above grief, making it making it letting it shape you into a stronger person, not letting it eat you alive. And I think we we've seen both aspects in the human struggle and condition. Uh I think grief can be the center of you know a lot of issues and for a lot of people, and um it's one of the hardest things to navigate. I don't think it ever goes away, but I think you have to form a relationship with it um internally and you have to let it make you stronger. You have to use it as fuel to build the life that you want rather than let it consume you, and it's easier said than done. I I think honestly, to be honest with you guys, I think about my ex every single day still. And um I think anybody who's been in a long relationship or has had any kind of grief has that that might be the issue, you know. It doesn't go just doesn't just like slip away. And I guess I'm going on a limb for saying that because when I do find somebody again and they hear me saying that that might not serve me so well. But it's the truth of what I'm going through right now. It's only been two years since my divorce, so it's still a work in progress. Maybe one day I won't be in that place, but um. See, a lot of people I'm literally living out I'm live this time, I'm literally living this out totally. I'm fighting depression, it's just hard. I trust in God though. Man, I'm 42, I've been going through it so hard, can't even explain it, but you said it very well. I needed to see this, thank you. See these c all these comments like this makes me feel so makes me not feel so alone. We're all st everybody's struggling through something that we always can't see, and we need to be easy on ourselves, we need to be easy on other people. You know, sometimes we project, and I'm getting a lot better at that. I'm you know, like the other day the lady at the grocery store like gave me like serious attitude for taking my cart and uh checkout. I guess at Whole Foods, when you go through the self-checkout, you're not supposed to bring your cart out, your cart through there. And she like snapped at me a little bit, one of the employees, and I was like, you know what, maybe she's just having a tough day. It was really crowded on the weekend, and I'm just not gonna let it like bother me. I'm just gonna let just have a just have a knowing and understanding that everybody's going through something. Um growth is lonely. Yes, it sure is. I'm trying at 42, doing good. Oh man. So anyways, I guess I'm gonna wrap this episode up today. I'm gonna edit this one and try to get it up soon. Um and if you are listening to these podcast episodes, please give me a rating and a review. I think that really helps me with the algorithm to get this message out to more people. And thank you for listening. That really means a lot to me. And if you're going through this struggle, you're not alone, as you can see, a lot of other people are too. Um keep up the good fight, keep going, keep working on yourself and healing and doing things that you enjoy, staying busy and active. And uh I wish you guys all the best. Alright, I'll talk to you on the next podcast, and have a good rest of your day. Peace.