Control the Controllable-Everything else is Noise

In this episode, we’re talking about one of the most powerful shifts you can make in your life — learning to focus on what you can actually control. We live in a world full of noise, unpredictability, and other people’s behavior, and most of it is completely out of our hands. But how you take care of your mind, your body, and your habits? That’s yours.
I get personal in this one — talking about my journey quitting weed, going through a divorce, building Coming Back Online from scratch, and how some of the hardest, most painful chapters of my life ended up being the greatest catalysts for change. From CBT group therapy to tango dancing, I share what’s waiting for you on the other side of the struggle — if you’re willing to take the first step.
No judgment here. Just honesty, real talk, and a reminder that we are all works in progress.
🎙️ Topics covered:
•The law of impermanence and why control is an illusion — mostly
•Recognizing what’s actually running your life
•How to turn negative energy into fuel for growth
•Addiction, all-or-nothing thinking, and self-awareness
•Why quitting weed opened doors I never expected
•The ripple effect of one person’s change on an entire community

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, welcome to Coming Back Online. My name is Derek, your host, where we have talked about long-term weed use, mental clarity, and coming back to yourself. So, welcome back everybody. Um, glad you're here. Whether this is your first time tuning in or you've been with me since the beginning, I want you to know that this space is for you. It's no judgment, no perfection, just real conversations about real life. And today I want to talk about something that I think about a lot. Um something that I believe if you can really internalize, you can genuinely change the way you move through the world. And that is this control the things you can control concept. It sounds pretty simple, but I promise you it's not. And um, when you start applying it to your real life, it's one of the hardest, most liberating things that you can ever do. So let's get into it. So I want to talk about something called the law of impermanence. I'm sure you've heard this um concept before, but um basically we live in a world right now that's constantly moving, we're constantly shifting, and there's this noise all around us, you know, social media, the news, other people's opinions, other people's drama. And if you're not careful, you can really get swept into all that and feel like you have zero control over your own life. But here's the truth, I believe. You never really do have control, not over most things. And there's a concept that shows up in Buddhism and philosophy in nature itself, and it's called the law of impermanence. And it basically says nothing lasts forever, everything changes, nothing is permanent, and that includes your time here on earth. We can't control how long we're here, we can't control other people's how other people perceive us, we can't control how other people behave, or what they say about us, or how they treat us. We can't control the economy, the weather, or what's happening on the other side of the world. But here's what we can control. We can control how we take care of our minds, we can control how we take care of our bodies, we can control the habits we keep, the ones we hold on to and the ones we let go of. We can control what we do with the energy that life throws at us, good and bad. And that's really it. That's the list. And if you can focus your energy there and just there, I really think everything starts to shift. So, first of all, we need to recognize what's controlling us and be real with ourselves. Now, here's where I want to get um pretty in-depth for a second. I think this is where a lot of people get stuck, including myself. And I I have been for many years, and I still do. I'm constantly a work in progress. And before you can control anything, you have to be honest with yourself about what is currently controlling you. And I mean brutally honest with yourself. Because for a lot of us, something has the wheel and we don't even realize it. It might be a substance, alcohol, weed, pills, food. It might be a person, a relationship that's draining you, someone you keep going back to even though you know better. It might be a job that's suffocating you, it might be a thought pattern or anxiety or depression or negative self-talk that runs on a loop in the background of everything you do. Whatever it is, if it's running your life and you're not running it, that's worth paying attention to. Now, I'm not standing here telling you to flip everything upside down overnight. That's obviously not realistic, and honestly, making dramatic sudden changes can sometimes create more chaos, not less. But what I am saying is take steps. Take baby steps if you have to. Start noticing and start paying attention to where your energy is going and why, and and because, you know, awareness is the first awareness is the first form of control that you can reclaim. I know this from my own personal experience. Because for a long time weed was controlling me. I couldn't just have a little. I was all or nothing, you know? And when I had to get real with myself and recognize that the addict in me didn't just want a little bit, that he just wanted to smoke and until I was out of completely out of my mind just being ripped all day. That's not a character flaw, that's just my truth. And once I saw that clearly, I could start doing something about it. So we have to turn this negative energy that we have into fuel. And I believe that all energies can be turned into fuel, whether it's negative or positive, it can be turned into whatever you want. And something I really believe with everything in me is that I've lived it. And bad energy doesn't have to stay bad, it can be the catalyst for your greatest future, for your greatest change. Think about that a second. Bad energy doesn't have to stay bad, it can be a catalyst for your greatest change. The things that have hurt you or embarrassed you or frustrated you or broken you, those things carry weight, a lot of energy. And that energy doesn't disappear. The question is, what do you do with it? Can you let it eat you alive? Or can you let it make you become bitter and resentful and stuck? Or and this is the option I want you to consider, can you redirect it? Is someone gossiping about you? Use that frustration to fuel a workout. Channel it into becoming so focused on your own growth that what they're saying becomes irrelevant. Is someone bullying you or trolling you or secretly envying you or talking behind your back and trying to turn people against you? I know how much that stings. I've been there. But what if that pain became the thing that pushed you to build something, to prove something, not to them, but to yourself. And for me, the negative effects I was getting from smoking weed for all those years, the fog and the anxiety and the way it was holding me back. That's what finally forced me to want to change. It forced me to want to become better. And that decision to quit led me to create this podcast, Coming Back Online. And that page has reached thousands of people already. And I get messages all the time from people telling me they stopped because of something I shared, that they feel better, that something I said helped them take that first step. That page, this whole thing came from one of the hardest chapters of my life. And it didn't stop there. The divorce I went through, it became a big catalyst for me to finally quit smoking, which also led to this page, which then led to someone else making a change in their life. And you see how that ripples? One painful thing can set off a whole chain of positive transformation. But only if you're willing to use it instead of letting it use you. So what quitting taught me was well, quitting weed has been one of the hardest things I've done. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. And it came at a really difficult time in my life when I was going through a divorce, and I was turning 40 at the same time and during the holidays, and it challenged me in ways I didn't expect emotionally, socially, mentally. But here's what it gave me. It got me into a cognitive behavioral therapy group, and in that group I met two people who I genuinely believe will be my friends forever. Real friendship that I wouldn't have found any other way. And it got me into tango dancing, which I found a whole new community in, and I learned an art form I never would have discovered if I was still sitting on the couch. And I made good friends there, and I found a lot of joy there, and it got me to build this platform and start having these conversations with you. And none of that would have ever happened if I didn't go through the hard things first. I truly believe that, and I think that's true for a lot of you listening right now, too. On the other side of the thing that you're struggling with, there's something waiting for you. Maybe it's something you can't see yet, but it's there. And now I want to be really clear about something because I think it's super important. When I talk about weed, I'm not here to demonize it. I'm not here to tell you it's a horrible thing to do and you're a bad person if you smoke. I smoked for many years. I actually believe weed should be legal. I'm a full advocate for that. The same way that alcohol is legal. But here's the thing: just because something is legal doesn't mean it's harmless for everyone. Alcohol is legal, and alcohol has destroyed a lot of families. It's ended lives, and people make terrible decisions under it and ruin everything they've built. I'm not comparing weed to alcohol, I know they're different, but weed has its own negative consequences where it can silently dull your life and your emotions and the way you experience things. And the issue was never the substance. The issue is what happens when someone can't stop. When the thing that was supposed to help you relax or have fun starts running your whole life, and anything that's overdone can become destructive. Food or work or exercise, you can even overdo that to the point of injury. Or sex or overthinking or social media, anything. It's not about what the thing is, it's about whether you are in control of it, or it's in control of you. And I'll be honest with you, I've recognized that tendency in myself beyond the weed. I've caught myself slipping towards a food addiction. I've noticed patterns around chasing pleasure to numb at whatever I don't want to feel in that moment, whether it's depression or loneliness or anxiety, whatever it is that's sitting heavy that day. I never stand here and tell you I have it all figured out because I don't. I don't even think that's possible. We're all a work in progress. And honestly, if you think you do have it all figured out, I gently encourage you to look a little deeper. Because none of us are perfect, none of us have arrived, and the moment we start believing we have, we've stopped growing. And we've stopped thriving, and we've stopped striving. We've checked out of the most important work we'll ever do, which is the work of becoming a better version of ourselves. And that, my friends, never ends. That's not a bad thing. I think that's actually the whole point of life. So here's what I want to leave with you today. You may not be able to control very much in this life, but you can control how you show up, you can control what you do with the hard things, you can control whether you let the negative stuff bury you, or whether you use it to build something. And if something in your life is controlling you right now, anything at all, a substance, a person, a habit, a thought pattern, I want you to know you don't have to fix it all at once. Just take one step and then another, and then another, and keep going. Because you're not alone in this. That's literally why this page exists. That's why this podcast exists. So if something I've said today has resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you. Leave a comment, send me a message, share this with someone, and let's keep building this community together. Until next time, take care of your mind, take care of your body, and keep coming back.