CUT These 4 Things OUT to Become Badass | 9

Still chasing approval from your ex, your friends, or random women online? Still making excuses for why you’re not where you want to be? Still numbing out with p0rn instead of facing the pain?

In this episode, I lay out the 4 things most men need to ruthlessly cut out right now if they want to stop feeling weak, stuck, and invisible—and start becoming the version of themselves they actually respect.

You’ll learn how to eliminate:

1. The need for external validation & approval
   Why constantly seeking likes, compliments, or “she’s into me” energy is quietly killing your confidence—and the exact mindset shift that replaces it with self-generated worth.
2. Excuses & victim mentality
   Every “I can’t because…” story is a chain holding you back. Discover how to own your circumstances, stop blaming the breakup/divorce, and turn every setback into fuel.
3. Porn & mindless dopamine hits
   Post-breakup porn use spikes for most men—it feels like relief but destroys drive, testosterone, focus, and real-world attraction. I explain the science, the damage, and the practical steps to cut it cold and redirect that energy into real growth.
4. Waiting for “motivation”
   Motivation follows action—not the other way around. Stop waiting to “feel ready” and start building momentum through small, non-negotiable daily wins.

These aren’t feel-good tips—they’re hard cuts that separate men who stay broken from men who become truly badass.

No fluff. No sugar-coating. Just the raw truth you need to hear if you’re done playing small.

Listen now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or YouTube.

Your comeback doesn’t start when life gets easier.
It starts when you cut what’s holding you back.

#MensMentalHealth #BreakupRecovery #QuitPorn #StopPeoplePleasing #MasculineConfidence #NoMoreExcuses #PostBreakupGrowth #DivorceRecovery #SelfRespect #PodcastForMen #BadassComeback

Hosted by Chris Ryan - Professional Life Coach | B.A. Psychology

Breakup and divorce recovery coaching for men

For coaching inquiries and general questions, email: coachchrisryan@gmail.com

*The BCP is 100% self-funded and does not run ads.

Keywords: breakup recovery for men, divorce recovery for men, rebuilding identity after breakup, masculine qualities after divorce, feeling incomplete after breakup, reclaiming masculinity post-breakup, life after divorce for men, men's self-improvement after breakup, healing from heartbreak men, post-breakup identity crisis men, divorced men recovery, broken up men healing, men's mental health after relationship ends.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

So you're making moves to elevate your life and become a badass. You're reading the books, you're studying your craft, setting bigger and bigger goals. But somehow you can tell there's still some resistance, you're not quite getting the results you want, and you're stuck wondering why. Or you find that you just don't have the time to do some of these extra things that you know you need to do to keep elevating. The truth is, in order to grow, you need room to grow. And in order to make room, you're gonna have to get rid of certain things that are holding you back. Last week's episode was all about badass mindset shifts that will probably lead to you adding things to your life to lift you up towards greatness. This episode is about making room for those challenges to grow by getting rid of bad mindsets and unnecessary elements outside of yourself. Before we begin, boys, do me a favor and take this moment with me as we honor an absolute legend we lost just yesterday. Chuck Norris, may you rest in peace. May your family find the support they need to carry on through this time. Thank you for inspiring us to strive towards our full potential. Your legacy lives on through each one of us grinding and forging ourselves into the badasses we are becoming. Please help guide each one of us on our journey and pave the way for us to be the greatest influence that will give this world the badass comeback it needs. Amen. Thank you for that, boys. Also, interesting timing since I mentioned Chuck in last week's episode. Crazy how things work. Now on to today's episode. Getting rid of four things that will hold you back. Number one, people pleasing and bad influences. It's human nature to want to fit in. It's human nature to look for the approval of others. But understand that these basic desires are a result of old programming. This goes way back to the beginning of humankind. When we lived in small tribes tens of thousands of years ago, going along to get along was not only the way to fit in, it was the way to survive. We played by the tribe's rules. We went along with everyone else and we did not step out of line. When we did something that benefited the tribe, we were praised. That praise gave us good feelings. It meant that the rest of the tribe gained confidence and trust in us, and that in turn meant that we were going to remain in the protection of the tribe. But what happened if we did step out of line or do something that upset the other tribe's people? Well, a lot of pain and suffering. Primitive human beings didn't have the reasoning power we have now. Back then, they didn't ask why, and they wouldn't have cared anyway. If you stepped out of line in the tribe, you either got hurt, exiled, or killed. Today, we're still running on that old default programming. Those same reward circuits are still keeping us in line, but the consequences of stepping out of line these days are not nearly as bad as they used to be. The fear of getting exiled or hurt is still programmed into our brains. But obviously, the consequences of today are way lighter, if there are any. The way to get rid of the need to people please and chase external approval is to get rid of the fear of those outdated consequences. The truth is, yes, when you start living life on your own terms, saying what you want to say and doing exactly what you want to do, two things will happen, guaranteed. One, some people are gonna react negatively. Two, you will find better people on the other side. And it won't necessarily be people who are walking a similar path to you. You'll find people who are also living their life unapologetically and have also gotten rid of that old programming and that old fear. You're gonna find people who are genuine and who are living their life on their terms. But you will also find more alignment in your life, where your mind, body, and spirit are all working together in harmony. And boys, that is a feeling of confidence, peace, and direction. You can't work towards being the best you can be in whatever it is if you're worried what other people will think or avoiding certain things that will upset other people. But here's the thing: if you're still in this mode of people pleasing and external validation, you can't see those other people and that alignment on the other side of this. It's one of those things where you won't be able to see the benefits of doing the thing unless you start doing the thing. Now, if living life on your terms means that you're just gonna forego all of your personal responsibility and be a piece of shit because the genuine you doesn't give a fuck about anyone else, obviously this is gonna attract shit people into your life. But I have a feeling that you guys listening aren't that type of person. I guarantee you guys are here to improve your life and eventually bring others up with you. So here's the solution. We must first learn to recognize the moment when we're about to say or do something that is contrary to what we want for the sole purpose of pleasing someone else or to avoid upsetting them. Understand that at the root of this conflict is that old fear. Next, we have to push through the fear and do or say the thing anyway. Here are some examples. If your buddies want you to go out drinking with them, but you have something more important to do, say no. If that super hot girl you're dating is acting a fool and pulling you into some bullshit argument or drama, tell her that you don't like it and that her behavior is a deal breaker for you if she continues. If you're at work and your boss is overstepping their bounds and being unreasonable, say something. When you do this, you will feel that fear. You will be nervous. But that fear will go away once you make the decision to do or say that thing anyway. It's not only liberating, it's confidence building. Of course, there may be some immediate backlash, but that is all temporary. Your buddies might give you shit for not going out to drink, or they may just stop inviting you. That hot girl you're dating may ghost you when you call her out. That boss may fire you for standing up to them. But all that means is those people don't align with who you truly are or where you want your life to go. You can make new friends who won't try to pull you away from your goals. You will find a new girl who doesn't start bullshit drama for no reason. You will find a better job with a boss who isn't a tyrant, all because you decided to act in accordance with your values and principles. All that means is those people are getting out of your way because you decided to act in accordance with your values and your principles instead of just trying to please them or avoid some sort of conflict. But here's the thing: no matter what you do, people will hate you for it. It doesn't matter if your Mother Teresa or Mahatma Gandhi, yes, even they had a ton of haters. There will always be people who shit on your dreams, people who want to see you fail and bad influences, they will try to pull you away from whatever it is, even if it is the most selfless heroic thing you can do. So the ultimate answer is fuck it. If you have something genuine and honest to say, say it regardless of who it will upset. If you want to do something that some people are gonna laugh at you for doing, do it anyway. Whatever it is, do it anyway. I mean, obviously, don't be a dick about it and don't step on others to get there. That is a great way to lose the good people in your life. There will be some people who had your back in the past, but will not support you in your new badass endeavors. But remember, just because you're changing and improving doesn't mean you have to ever not do that just to avoid upsetting them or, should I say, pleasing them. Speak your mind, follow your heart, chase your dreams relentlessly. The right people will have your back, and you're gonna feel more and more like yourself with each one of those decisions. All right, second thing that we have to get rid of. Excuses. One of the core tenets of a badass is that excuses are basically non existent in their life. Excuses do two things very effectively. One, they make you soft and weak. And two, they sabotage your future. When you make an excuse, you are training your brain to be lazy and to seek pleasure more than it seeks challenge. And it releases dopamine, but only for a short while and it's not sustainable. Think of this. How do you get good at a sport? You practice in baseball, you practice your swing over and over and over. Why? Because the repetition calibrates your brain to be more proficient at your swing so you can get better results, hitting the ball further against more difficult pitchers. The same concept applies to excuses. When you constantly make excuses, that repetition trains your brain to be more proficient at excuses. Even the small repetitive excuses eventually creep up on you and turn into bigger excuses down the road. Let's say you're in the habit of making the small excuse of I'm tired for not getting up on time, door dashing junk food, or cleaning your room. Eventually, your brain will start making bigger excuses. Not going to the gym because it requires effort, not cleaning your entire house because you don't feel like it or some shit like that. Not going to interview for a better job because you don't want to face possible rejection. Eventually, you're going to be faced with an opportunity to become a badass. And you're going to tell yourself, nah, I'm good where I'm at. I don't need to do anything extra than what I'm already doing. In fact, I know you can think of some excuses you've gotten rid of before that helped you get to the next level. What are they? Let me know in the comments. As far as getting rid of more excuses, here's the solution. The next time your brain comes up with an excuse, in that moment, realize that you're at a fork in the road. One way is the easy way that has immediate gratification. The other way is the challenging way that has delayed gratification. What is delayed gratification? It's very simple. It's the life you want. If you want to feel amazing, if you want to live in that mansion, drive the cars, if you want those opportunities for your kids, if you want to go on the vacation and you want the career that you were built for, those are the rewards that are waiting for you. But of course, it's hard to grasp because it's not right in front of you. Anyone who has achieved any level of success understands this. It's the small decisions you make every day that lead you to that life. And it's a lot like saving money. At first, you throw small amounts into your savings account or piggy bank periodically. Then sometime later, you have enough money to go out and buy that thing. And it wasn't in your possession while you were socking away that money, but you know it will be in your possession once you build up enough savings to buy it, so you save for it anyway. Same concept with saying no to your excuses. So the answer to this one is start with your small excuses. When you're about to give yourself an excuse to not do whatever it is, ask yourself, what will I gain if I do this thing anyway? Well, here are things that you can look forward to in that moment. More confidence, more resilience, and more inner peace. Each one of those builds a little bit every time you say no to an excuse and you'd make the decision to do the thing anyway. And if you can say no enough times, you will eventually stop making excuses for those small things. Then go from there. Start saying no to bigger things. Boys, this is something that compounds over time. The more you say no to your excuses, the more your brain learns that doing the thing anyway is just what you're gonna do. This is gearing your brain for success in general. Not only will you start to succeed in your career or whatever your main goal at the time is, you will start succeeding in every other area of your life. In fact, you will start exceeding your own expectations. Bury your excuses to let the life you want grow. All right, third thing we have to get rid of: external validation. External validation is the act of seeking your sense of worth from other people. Common examples include constantly posting on social media for likes and positive comments, virtue signaling, changing your behavior to make others like you by their standards, fishing for compliments, and bragging about accomplishments. All external validation does is program our brains to be dependent on other people to give us that dopamine rush. Yes, this is another old programming thing. Those good feelings from external validation are also fleeting. Just as quickly as they come, they go equally as fast. Then you're on to the next external thing to get another dopamine hit from other people. And if you do this often enough, it will become the only way you can feel important or happy. But of course, like a drug addict, you need more and more of it to give you the same effect, only to crash equally as hard. And the answer to this one is rather simple. First, recognize when you're about to do something that will chase that external validation. Next, don't do it. Then, next time it comes up, don't do it. Rinse and repeat. Human beings need dopamine to do great things. But if we want to accomplish those things, we need to save our dopamine for the grueling work that comes with building up to that thing. If we're using up all of our dopamine chasing external validation, we won't have any of it left to use it for something productive. It's a seesaw. Take the dopamine away from things outside of yourself, and your brain will naturally transfer dopamine to things you initiate on your own. I started cutting out social media and fishing for compliments a long time ago. I was doing those two things so often that I actually started getting depressed. Constantly comparing myself to other people, constantly checking my notifications to see who liked my posts. It was a shit feeling. I knew I was falling behind in life, so I just cut out like 95% of my social media and I just stopped fishing for compliments altogether. Then something awesome happened. Very soon after, I started looking for that dopamine rush in my own life. I started keeping my living space cleaner. I went back to the gym, started eating healthier, and I went out to socialize. The whole point of this is to deprogram your brain away from artificial dopamine hits and reprogram it towards fulfilling dopamine hits. If you want to become badass, you must program your brain to give you that dopamine rush when you accomplish shit. And who gives a shit if other people see it? When you work towards something great in silence, people will start noticing anyway. If you're going to the gym and constantly posting progress pictures, everyone's gonna know you're working out. But if you work out in silence, when you go out to see those same people a couple months down the road, they're gonna say shit like, Holy crap, look at you, man. Are you losing weight? Or damn those gains, bro. But here's the thing not only will most people be amazed and compliment you, they will also feel your energy, that stable, genuine, ironclad confidence that comes from deep within you. Yeah, and you can bet your ass, high-quality women will also start to notice. When this happens, don't let it kick off chasing external validation again. It is a good feeling, yeah. But the only person you really need to validate is yourself. Even if for some reason you're not getting that external validation once people find out what the hell you've been up to. It's that feeling when you look yourself in the mirror and think, fuck yeah, I'm doing it. That is the only validation you need. All right, last one, number four. This is probably going to be tough for some of you to hear, especially if you know this is an issue that you have to get rid of. And this is something that was extremely tough for me to get rid of over a decade ago when I started cutting this bullshit out of my life. And of all the things to cut out on this list in today's episode, this one is by far the hardest. No pun intended. Yeah, I'm talking about porn. Guys, we've been talking about dopamine. If you want to have your dopamine and your life in general just be absolute shit, watch all the porn you can. If you want a low sex drive, more stress, anxiety, and depression, and excuses, don't ever say no to that desire to whack your winky to some pixelated chick on a screen who doesn't give a fuck about you. If you want an average or below average life, don't ever try to restrain that urge. Just give in and say goodbye to your aspirations of becoming a badass. Now, for those of you who want to cut porn out, let me show you what your life will look like once you do. And take it from me. I used to be a hard case. I was shooting rockets sometimes twice a day, all the way from age 13 to 20. For reasons unbeknownst to me, my life wasn't anywhere where I wanted it to be. I wasn't attracting any girls, and I was an average student with a mild form of ADD. I first found out about all the science behind the quote benefits of quitting porn on Reddit. I read a ton of success stories on R slash NoFap. Stories of guys feeling, quote, superpowers when they quit porn for just two weeks. Tons of posts saying, guys, check it out. I'm on a two-week streak, I'm feeling amazing, I'm back in the gym studying my craft more, finally feeling confidence I've never felt. Girls are checking me out, my friends are complimenting me, saying I look younger, my grades are improving, my boss wants to promote me. All of these incredible stories of guys who were battling porn addiction and seeing tangible benefits in so many different ways. So I decided to start quitting myself. I did all the techniques to avoid the temptation and to divert whenever I was getting close to opening my FAP top and unzipping my pantalones. All of them helped. Here are some of them, real quick: eating healthy, going to the gym, going out to socialize, putting adult content filters on your internet browser, taking a cold shower to kill the urge, doing push-ups or going for a walk to redirect blood away from your snake. There are so many things you can do to resist the urge to watch porn and jerk off. At first, I was able to go only a couple days at a time. Then I started going a week at a time. And yeah, sometimes I would relapse and feel like shit when I did, but I forced myself to learn from those setbacks and I implemented new preventative strategies. Then I started hitting two weeks at a time. And this was on what r/nofat calls, quote, hard mode, which is no porn, no spanking the monkey, not even sex, complete and total abstinence. And honestly, I don't buy the whole abstinence is unhealthy shit. If your body really needs to let some out, that's what wet dreams are for. For me personally, I had to clean up a mess when I woke up sometimes, but I thought, hey, still way better than watching porn. Then, at one point, my senior year of college, I hit three weeks on hard mode. Not a single drop. This is the first time I had ever felt my testosterone raging. I had extreme focus. I was also extremely calm. It was really weird. My ADD was almost non-existent. My grave started improving. My voice got deeper. I started walking with great posture. I spoke more slowly, and I was somehow able to hold people's attention for longer and gain respect a lot faster. And something else that was funny happened too. You might think that by getting rid of sexy ladies on your screen, that you'll turn into a goon just oogling girls in real life, staring at their sexy parts. In fact, the opposite was true. I wasn't even looking at girls because I was so focused on school, sports, music, my hobbies, and my social life. All of those activities were giving me shit tons of dopamine all on their own. But once I stopped paying attention to girls, I became a girl magnet. And guys, I was not ready for this one. I would walk into class. Girls would notice me and have this look of shock like, oh, who the hell is this guy? And what does he have that all these other guys don't? Girls started putting themselves in positions to be approached by me. Some of them even struck up a conversation or asked me something super innocuous just to get my attention. But I had this feeling of, eh, not yet. Until one night, after 30 days of not even touching myself, I decided, yeah, enough was enough. So I loaded up my favorite video and painted the walls with my man juice. Nah, just kidding. I went to a party. I always had Having a great time, just somehow effortlessly commanding attention, and then I saw her right away. I decided, you know what? She's exactly my type. I wonder if I'll like her. I approached, and she was all about it. And yeah, long story short, she ended my streak. After that, I stayed on that good path as much as fucking possible. I was indeed feeling those quote superpowers. But somewhere down the line, I had the biggest epiphany of my entire life. When you quit porn, boys, or severely cut back, the quote, superpowers you will feel aren't actually superpowers. It is how you are supposed to feel. Quitting porn doesn't put you above your baseline. Quitting porn brings you back to the baseline you were originally designed for. It unlocks the man you are meant to be. All over the internet, women are saying, Where are all the good men? This is what they're fucking talking about. 95% of guys are sabotaging their manhood by dumping their dopamine, energy, and sexiness into a fucking wad of toilet paper. You are a fucking man. You are designed to be confident. You are designed to have focus and drive and to motivate yourself with momentum easily. You are designed to be a girl magnet. I don't care what you look like, how fucking tall you are, or what society tells you you are or aren't capable of attracting into your life. Fuck all of that shit. If you want the biggest turnaround you've ever experienced in your life, start walking down this path. Go check out r slash nofap. Do whatever you can to learn about it and avoid the urges. And when you do, here's the truth 99% of you will relapse from time to time. I have hundreds of times. It's going to happen, but there is no shame in that. There is only shame in not trying. When you relapse, remember, it's just a setback. All you gotta do is recalibrate to avoid it in the future. Each time you recalibrate, you will get longer streaks. There are countless ways to start fighting this addiction, boys. You just have to find the ways that work for you. Some guys find that saying no every other time an urge comes up helps them get started. Other guys find that just dropping it all together is the only way that worked for them. Go and find the way that will work for you and recalibrate as necessary. No matter what, you need what I call healthy replacement habits, hobbies, fun things to do. Socializing a lot helps too, because you're probably not going to be thinking about it when you're out in public. You may also meet some new awesome people and new hot girls. Fucking sweet. You need to have healthy replacement habits lined up to divert into when those urges come up. And make no mistake, they will. So be ready. No matter if you watch porn and jerk it every once in a while, or if you're a multiple days kind of guy like I was, you can still cut it back from whatever point you're at right now. Go and see for yourself. For you guys who are tugging away multiple times a day, that pendulum swing back to normal is going to be literally the most amazing and surreal thing you've ever experienced. You have the capability of turning your life around in the best ways possible. So get started today. Everything seemingly out of your reach will start to unlock. And I mean everything. All right, bringing it home, boys. Each one of these four points tie together. If you notice, all of them have to do with rewiring your brain to stop seeking dopamine from outside of yourself. Dopamine is essential to building the life you want. It's what motivates you, keeps you going, and just feeling fucking incredible. If you are in post-breakup fog, this is the fucking time to start cutting those things out. Remember, your ex didn't take away anything that makes you the man you are. She did, however, give you a new blank canvas. Are you going to fill that canvas with superficial, artificial dopamine, people pleasing external validation excuses and porn? Or are you going to start trudging through the mud and build yourself into a badass? Take some time and start implementing good, healthy things into your life to take you there. Start cutting out unnecessary bullshit. Start rewiring your brain away from artificial dopamine to make room for healthy dopamine to take over. Guys, the life you want, the body you want, the energy you want is all within your grasp. Yes, it takes work. Sometimes it sucks. You will hit setbacks. All it takes is recalibrating after each setback. Don't ever get down on yourself for hitting setbacks. Be proud that you were trying in the first place. I can't tell you how excited I am for you guys listening to this podcast. The rewards for the work you put in today go way beyond anything you'd ever expect. Trust your process. Trust yourself and trust that you will look back in this time and be proud of yourself for making those first steps. And with that, I wish all of you a great weekend. Take care of yourselves. And I will see you in the next episode. Peace out. Thank you for joining me in another badass episode, brother. If you want to accelerate into this new chapter in your life and get a boost into your badass journey, sign up for a free 45-minute consultation for post breakup or divorce coaching. All the info is in the episode description. Also, please remember to like and comment. And if you know anyone who could use this info in their badass journey, please share this episode with them. None of this will be possible without you guys, so thank you again, and I will see you in the next episode.