Did SHE Screw Up? | 14

Still holding onto anger about what she did?
The betrayals, the lies, the ways she hurt you during the relationship?

You’re not alone — but staying stuck in resentment is quietly destroying your peace, your confidence, and your future.

In this powerful episode of The Badass Comeback, I show you how to finally move on from the mistakes she made.

You’ll learn:

• How to rebuild your self-worth after being hurt or disrespected
• Practical ways to let go of grudges so they stop poisoning your mind and energy
• How to stop replaying the past and start cultivating positive, forward-moving energy instead

This isn’t about “just forgive and forget.”
It’s about releasing the emotional weight so you can think clearly again, protect your peace, and show up as a stronger, wiser man in your next chapter — and in future relationships.

When you stop carrying her mistakes, you free up massive mental and emotional space. The result?
A clearer mind, healthier boundaries, higher confidence, and the kind of wisdom that only comes from real growth.

If you’re tired of feeling bitter, drained, or held back by what she did, this episode will help you let it go and take your power back.

You don’t have to forget what happened.
You just have to stop letting it control you.

Let’s drop the baggage and move forward stronger. 

#BreakupRecovery #DivorceRecovery #LettingGo #RebuildSelfWorth #MensMentalHealth #ReleasingResentment #HealingAfterBetrayal #HigherConfidence #PodcastForMen #BadassComeback

Hosted by Chris Ryan - Professional Life Coach | B.A. Psychology

Breakup and divorce recovery coaching for men

For coaching inquiries and general questions, email: coachchrisryan@gmail.com

*The BCP is 100% self-funded and does not run ads.

Keywords: breakup recovery for men, divorce recovery for men, rebuilding identity after breakup, masculine qualities after divorce, feeling incomplete after breakup, reclaiming masculinity post-breakup, life after divorce for men, men's self-improvement after breakup, healing from heartbreak men, post-breakup identity crisis men, divorced men recovery, broken up men healing, men's mental health after relationship ends.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

It's Monday morning, 5 15 a.m. You're on your way to work another 10-hour day. You're tired. You're stressed. Not only do you have work on your mind, you have home stress as well. When you get home, you have to do the rest of the laundry, make yourself some food, and figure out how you're gonna pay the mortgage next week. A lot is riding on you now that you don't have that second income anymore. The divorce is still fresh. Only three months as a newly single man, and it has flown by. But it seems like the last two years of tolerating her just dragged on forever. You start replaying that timeline yet again. It all started with her becoming more and more distant. She stopped wanting your attention. She was looking for excuses to be out of the house, and that look she used to give you when you first got married was long gone. Then the drama, the stupid arguments, the constant bitching. Even though she was there in physical form, that sweet, feminine, nurturing woman you fell in love with left long before you told her you wanted to split. And then there were the text messages. You debated for a long time whether to break her trust and take a peek, or let's be honest, just put it off longer. But you eventually sifted through her phone when she was in the shower, and what you saw confirmed your suspicions. Funny how she was always telling you how great her boss was, how nice he was to her, how he helped her finish projects, always invited her out to work parties, gave her a nice bonus for Christmas one year. As you think to yourself, yeah, I bet it was a nice Christmas bonus. Then her voice invades its way into your head. Oh, stop worrying about Bill. You're acting like a possessive, jealous teenage boyfriend. I am not attracted to him. But at least he always tells me I'm doing a good job. Unlike you, I can't even get a thank you for all the nice things I do for you. And then you shout back, Oh, I'm sure he always tows you great job. In fact, I know a little job you can give him. I'm sure he'd be thrilled. She gets louder. Oh, shut up. You're pathetic. Then you showed her the screenshots. She forose but tried her hardest to maintain her resting bitch face. Ten seconds of silence passed like 10 minutes. And then she finally said, It wasn't anything serious. It was only dinner. Plus, he's married. You just looked at her, scoffed, and said, Well, after tonight, you won't be, so have at it. You go give Bill all the jobs you want. As he walked over to the file cabinet, grabbed a stack of papers, plopped it down on the kitchen table, and said, Sign on the dotted line. I'm meeting with Lawrence tomorrow morning. You hustled out the door, and she just stood there in complete shock. She tried calling you four times an hour later, but you forwarded every single one. Then the voicemail transcriptions hit. She was losing her mind, blaming everything on you. Zero accountability, zero remorse. As you said out loud to yourself, well, that seals it. Your own voice fades from your mind as you pull into your parking space, take a deep breath, and step out for another day in the grind. You know, I rarely hear of a divorce that was an easy decision, even if she is the one who fucked up. Top three reasons for men initiating divorce. Ready? Lack of commitment and growing apart, increasing unnecessary fights and drama, and infidelity. But you think the guy would just leave and feel all sorts of happy and free and just be totally fine. And it might be true for some, but ending a long-term relationship this way, even after only five years, still leaves a lot of guys in post-breakup slump. I mean, you shared your life with her. The two of you were one. The divorce hurts your kids. Social circles divide as a result. And maybe you're a little bit older now and looking at dating single moms? Or will you become a badass and pull a girl in her late 20s? But not only can her absence mess with you, there might also be a lot of resentment, anger, and bitterness towards whatever she did. And while, yes, that anger may be 100% justified, hanging on to it can actually lead to a tainted future. Not for her, of course, but for you. Holding a grudge actually shapes your mindset in harmful ways. It can mess with your outlook on dating and life in general. And it's just dark energy that's going to weigh you down whenever you're trying to level up in life. So today we're talking how to leverage this time to get over whatever she did to free yourself up for a fresh mindset for adventure, success, and a new love that will never treat you any less than what you're worth. And speaking of that, I first want to address self-worth. Being with someone you love and trust can either be really good or really bad for your self-worth. It all depends on how they treat you. And it may change as the relationship goes on. She may have been super sweet, feminine, supportive, and nurturing at first. And I mean, this is what all guys want. It's what motivates us to work harder and put in the effort to keep the relationship fun and exciting. It's a massive confidence boost as well. There's nothing like having a hot girl under your wing who puts equal effort into the relationship, supports your goals, and of course, does those sexy bedroom things. She makes you feel like a king. But when things get dull, when she stops trying to look hot, when you notice her having fun with anyone else except you, it's understandable why your confidence would take a hit. The issue I see is that guys tend to start shifting their self-worth from an internal source to an external source when they've been with her for long enough, maybe starting at around three years. Before the relationship, their self-worth was internal. Maybe they were in great shape, they were marching tirelessly towards their goals, and they were totally okay living alone. And of course, being super masculine like that naturally attracts women. Lo and behold, they find themselves settling down with a woman who ticks all the boxes. Now they have a woman who always tells him how proud she is of him, cheers him on when he's doing well, and helps him relax when he's burnt out. That self-worth can slowly shift to external. Now she is a big source of it. Then you add a decade of marriage where she slowly stops affirming him like this, and now instead of a king, he feels like a piggy bank or some dude that she just settled for. But what's he doing now? Most likely he's not in the gym anymore. He's comfy in his position at work, he's financially upset, there's nothing really to work towards anymore, and now his self-worth is way less than it was when he first got with her. At least for me, my worth as a boyfriend tanked whenever I experienced that. I thought I wasn't good enough and it crushed my self-esteem. When those relationships ended, I carried that around and allowed it to affect the way that I saw myself as a man. It wasn't until years later where I learned to differentiate it and unlocked a new level of confidence. Guys, it's very important to remind yourself of your self-worth, regardless if this breakup was her fault or not. You are still you. You are still your own man. As a man, you were designed to be confident, sexy, masculine, strong, resilient, all of those amazing qualities. If you genuinely tried to keep things alive in their relationship, even if she cheated on you, you did everything you knew how to do. Be proud that you tried in the first place. That in and of itself is virtuous. You worked hard to keep something alive that was important to you. And that is all separate from whatever she did to you, what she said to you, how she made you feel, and how she saw you. Because guess what? Her opinion of you doesn't matter. In fact, no one else's opinions of you matter either. Why? Because you're you. You're the only person who gets to determine your self-worth. If you think you need to, take some time and take stock of your masculine and your personal qualities. There is no better time to get your confidence back on the right track than right now. Never forget who you are. Okay, let's talk about grudges. You know, I hear all over the place about forgiving the other person to free yourself of the anger, all that stuff. But what I don't hear all that often is the consequences of holding a grudge. Holding someone in contempt does more than just keep you mad at that person. In fact, here's some rapid-fire studies on what else it can do to you. Charlotte Whitliet and colleagues in 2001 found that holding people in contempt increases blood pressure and heart rate. Constantly holding on to grudges or feelings of strong hate could lead to cardiovascular diseases. Speaking of heart disease, journal of the American College of Cardiology in 2009 found that long-term anger and hostility are linked to coronary heart disease in totally healthy people. We also see links to immune system dysfunction and inflammation, poor sleep, increased stress hormones, and other physical ailments like that. But what about non-physical health? I found several studies pointed to a tainted social life too. Holding a grudge can lead to an unwillingness to establish trust with new people, frequently cutting off friendships and relationships when they do one small thing wrong, expecting others to do something wrong to you in social isolation or just deciding to stay single forever. Science aside, you trusted her. You sacrificed for her. You worked your ass off for her, only for her to fucking do whatever she did to you. Now she's gone. There are two roads you can go down at this point in time. One is to work towards letting it go and forgiving her, which can be really hard to do, I understand. Or you can go down the road of not only holding that grudge on her, but looking at your future friends and other women who might be interested in you differently. And if you're going down that road, I have a question. What do you gain by seeing people differently like this? What is the benefit of something like avoiding women altogether, assuming that you're just going to get hurt again? You're only letting your ex win. Not only that, you're also letting your own emotional reaction to her mistakes fuck up your chances at a bright and badass future. Guys, holding a grudge means the person who screwed you is winning. It means they're living rent-free in your head, and that dark cloud of bitterness and resentment is fucking influencing what you're doing in your day-to-day, and it's deteriorating your health. Think about it. She fucked up. You were wronged. If there's one person in this equation that deserves peace, happiness, and a fresh start, it's you. But trust me, when I say this, it is way harder to start writing a new badass chapter while you're still weighing yourself down with anger, resentment, bitterness, all of that dark shit. The faster you get rid of it, the quicker you will wipe that sleigh clean and start building a life that was way better than even the best parts of your last relationship. So don't let your hate for her linger any longer. Let that shit go now. How? We're about to dive into that. I want you guys to understand something. It's one thing to block her forever. It's one thing to use what she did to learn what sort of behavior and red flags to avoid in the future. Awesome. It's another thing to hold on to that hate, resentment, and bitterness. But understand that all three of those things are affecting you. It's what you are allowing yourself to feel. You're basically doing yourself a huge injustice by holding these dark feelings inside. It doesn't matter if it's because of your ex or your parents or even some person online that you're arguing with. If there's one thing I want you to take away from today's episode, is that you're not going to lose anything by letting go of dark feelings for other people. They're not just going to reappear into your life, get involved with you again, and do the same thing. Unless, of course, you let them, in which case I hope you don't, no matter how lonely you might get. Two thoughts can exist simultaneously. You can decide to keep her out of your life, and you can decide for yourself to be happy, peaceful, and excited for your future. And yes, you can keep her out of your life, and yeah, I'm gonna say it, you can wish her well. It's very tough to do, but it is a very liberating feeling. Here's a practical way to do it. First, grab a pen and paper. You can do this on your phone notes too, but a paper is much more concrete. You're gonna get a lot more out of this if you just write it down. Number one, you have to recognize what the emotions that you're holding inside are. Refer to episode one if you want a better breakdown of how this works. Basically, it's just writing out right now, I am feeling blank because I blank. You can choose from angry, sad, afraid, or hurt for the first one. And for the second blank, you have to state the reason and it must start with I. Angry, sad, afraid, or hurt. Here's some examples. Right now I'm feeling angry because I was cheated on. Right now I'm feeling hurt because I gave so much to her and she took all of it for granted. Right now I'm feeling sad because I am alone and I still miss the good times we had. Right now I'm feeling afraid because I don't want to be treated like that again. Take your time with these sentences, guys. Write out as many as you can. It is removing the emotion from your body and putting it on a piece of paper. Again, take your time and write out as many as you can and be honest with yourself. All right, so grab a new piece of paper. You are going to write her a letter for the second point. You're not going to send it to her, don't worry. But describe what she did and how it affected you. Be detailed. And end the letter with something like, I am writing this to rid myself of the after effects of your choices, or some shit like that. When you're done, read it over and either tear it up or burn it. Number three, make note of what you may have done wrong in that situation. It can be as simple as ignoring red flags. Write down what you learned from it boundaries, values, what you want in your next relationship, what you don't want. And then write down what advice you'd give your best friend if they were going through a similar experience. After all that, write, I wish you well. Now, I understand that every fibro of your being probably doesn't want to wish her well at all, but understand something, guys. This is a mindset shift that uses grace as a way to push away resentment and anger. Yes, you may feel she deserves the worst, but remember, that is dark energy wishing other people harm. It's still bad energy that you're holding on to and thus putting out into the world. Also, wishing her well means that you hope she doesn't make the same choice to the next guy, because the next guy may not be able to handle it as well as you are. Wishing her well also means that you wish other people around her to not be affected by her shit's choices. And I understand it's tough, but write it out. I wish you well. It's creating more positive energy for yourself. Finally, write down what you're grateful for for yourself. Be grateful for taking steps in the right direction, whether you're getting back in shape, hobbies, friends, etc. This final step takes you out of the past and reorients you to the future. A future without her. And guys, that future is fucking badass. Boys, this practice will not only help you get over the shit that she did to you, this is a practice you're going to use for the rest of your life. You have no idea how bright you will become by letting go of resentment and grudges for anyone or anything. Once you do, you'll start noticing a lot of people hold on to negative energy like this. I mean, anyone who spent a considerable amount of time on social media understands this very well. Don't give in to the hate. It's really easy to get sucked in it. It's like a fucking black hole. Misery loves company, but peace, peace needs no one. Well, at least no negative people. A clear mindset like this makes everything better. Not only your thoughts, but your ability to see the opportunities that lie in front of you. Maybe it's going to be a promotion, a new hobby, a new chick. Who knows? When you wake up tomorrow, do you want to be pissed off or do you want to be happy, content, and excited? Let yourself be excited for your future. Yes, this is a dark time, but no one becomes badass by allowing things beyond his control weigh him down. Let yourself start healing. Let shitty things that happen to you roll off your back. Be like the duck. Don't take it personal and don't internalize it. And check this out. She made that decision to show you that she wasn't good for you after all. Now you have room to not only start rebuilding, you have room to find someone 10 times better. She is out of your way. You have twice the free time on your hands now. Take advantage of it. Rebuild. Build yourself stronger, smarter, more confident than ever. Get firing on all cylinders again. Your time with her is fucking done. And the time to become a badass mother. Fucker is now. You deserve love. You deserve respect. You deserve a woman who, when she commits to you, will actually follow through and cherish that bond with you. You deserve a woman who puts in the effort, only has eyes for you, willing to work through conflicts, lets you know what she needs more of in the relationship. A woman who is proud to walk beside you. I can go fucking on and on. You are worth it, bro. Do not let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Now, what if she comes back? At this point, I hope that you're not in contact with her, except for logistical things as far as her belongings or stuff like that, or your kids. In fact, no contact is a must, regardless of who ended the relationship or who fucked up or whatever. And if you're not sure of what this answer is, just focus on your own life. Keep rebuilding and grinding. If you sit around and be mad or just sit around even having forgiven her, you're gonna put yourself in self-worth withdrawal. If she comes back and you're in this slump and genuinely apologizes and promises to work on things, yada yada, you're more likely to take her back just because you miss having someone around. Relationships, release, dopamine. And it's really easy to say yes to an opportunity to have all of it back. On the other hand, if you have let go of that dark energy and you're rebuilding your life, you are less likely to take her back and get fooled again. Why? Because you're discovering new dopamine that you won't need from her anymore. You might decide that this new chapter you're writing is not worth letting her back in for. I'm not trying to sway you one way or the other. All I'm saying is that you'll have better clarity and judgment if you are supercharging your life with good exercise, friends, hobbies, new badass goals. But no matter what, no matter how much she's calling you, crying, or begging to give her another chance, the one question you should ask yourself if she tries to come back is this is she moving up in her own life?

SPEAKER_00 20:45

Because think of it, you are moving up.

SPEAKER_01 20:49

If she's not, she's eventually gonna weigh you down. You're looking up, and she could just be looking in the same old direction. If she is not trying to improve her life in any way, you will become distracted and possibly wind up in the same spot that you're in right now. This has happened to me twice, and I still kick myself for letting her back in when she had that same old mindset. And yeah, the second breakup is always way worse than the first. Wrapping up here, boys. Know your worth and embrace it. Let the grudge go. Cultivate good energy for yourself. And if she tries to come back, be smart and figure out if she will be a good fit for this new badass life you are creating. I am so incredibly excited for all of you guys listening. The best is yet to come.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

See you guys next week. Peace out. Thank you for.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

Joining me in another badass episode, brother. If you want to accelerate into this new chapter in your life and get a boost into your badass journey, sign up for a free 45-minute consultation for post breakup or divorce coaching. All the info is in the episode description. Also, please remember to like and comment. And if you know anyone who could use this info in their badass journey, please share this episode with them. None of this will be possible without you guys, so thank you again, and I will see you in the next episode.